


A marriage in the stars

by Alphawave



Category: Dynasty Warriors, Shin Sangoku Musou
Genre: Bit of angst and sad stuff in there but ultimately romance, F/M, Romance, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-26
Updated: 2018-04-04
Packaged: 2018-08-17 10:54:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 205,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8141266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alphawave/pseuds/Alphawave
Summary: Like any other woman at her age in these turbulent times, Xingcai is forced to marry. In her last bid for freedom, she asks to choose her suitor. With no knowledge on the art of love and flirtation, will the lessons of her emperor Liu Shan help her find the man she is looking for, or was he always there in front of her? Liu Shan x Xingcai





	1. Disrupted Peace

_Ok first of all I just gotta say I am REALLY really excited for this. Hopefully I have the patience to actually finish this because Liu Shan x Xingcai is a REALLY small ship and I am surprised not many people are fans of it. So for the few people who like this ship and even for those who don't, I hope you like it. If I change anyone's opinion on these two characters (let me know in reviews) then I will be a happy chappie oh yes I will XD  
_

_Goes without saying but I ain't KOEI and I don't own these semi-historically based characters. All I own is a copy of the game they're in._

Chapter 1: Disrupted internal peace

Today was supposed to be a normal day for Xingcai. Wake, eat, train, sleep. Maybe a bit of chatter and study if she had time. That had been the schedule she had maintained for a couple of years now. Monotonous as it was predictable but she relished it. Predictability in a time like this meant peace, however fleeting. But on this day it was disturbed with a sudden announcement.

Most of the announcements she got of this nature related to the ongoing war. How she would need to participate in battle, that the forces were winning or losing or at a standstill. All of which disturbed the peace of the kingdom. But this announcement didn’t disturb the kingdom’s peace; it disturbed her _personal_ peace.

That day, when her mother had announced that she was to become betrothed.

“Mother? Are you sure about this?”

“Why not? Don’t you want to get married?”

“Mother, I have my duty to the kingdom. I am not only a general of Shu but I am bodyguard to the emperor. Is that not enough?”

“Which is why I allowed you to go and become a warrior, my daughter. But you must not forget you are still a woman.” She paused slightly. “I do not want you to hang out around men for too long, should they decide to…”

“Mother, it will NOT come to that! I have a duty to the emperor. To the kingdom. To serve and protect them.”

“Yes, but you must also follow the duty of your family! And that is to be married!” The lady Xiahou, mother of Xingcai, was on the verge of tears. Instinctively she hugged the doll in her hands. It was her way of comforting herself. “You must understand, Xingcai, soon you will be at an age where no man will marry you. You will be past your prime and you will be alone and shunned and—“

“I do not care.” Xingcai interrupted. “If no man can see past my appearance then I shall stay a virgin for the rest of my life.”

“Z-Zhang Xingcai!”

For a couple of seconds, it was an intense staring match between mother and daughter. Both refused to back down. But in Xingcai’s mind, she knew she was just fooling herself. She had to be married. It was her destiny. A destiny she cannot fight no matter where she may go or whatever she does. She was the daughter of a powerful general and a well-to-do noble. And as much as she denied it, she was considered a beauty. Fair, smooth skin and ebony hair, a small waist and long legs. Just some of the things men found attractive.

No, she had to marry. But still…still…

“Mother.” She announced sharply. “I will accept only on the conditions that I may choose who I shall wed.”

“Sweetie, I—”

“You remember when you got married to father?” Xingcai interrupted. “Did you not have any…doubts about his marriage? About the rumours? And what he… _did_ to you?”

Her mother was silent, looking down slightly at the floor, hugging her doll slightly. Though she had this strange youthfulness to her that made her seem almost childlike, it was in moments like these that Xingcai saw the _adult_ in her mother. She could almost see it in her eyes, the memories of the arguments, the struggles to remain together, the scars he had inflicted on her—physically and mentally.

The memories regarding a dead man.

“I don’t want that to happen, mother. Forgive me for my selfishness but I desire **choice**.”

Her mother was silent for a second. “…I suppose I need some time to get some suitors, hmm?”

A bittersweet smile was shared between the two, fading as quickly as it appeared. Xingcai’s eyes widened at the sudden epiphany that she will be late if she does not rush and quickly she is in movement, a sudden panic in her features. Knowing all too well what her daughter had to do, Lady Xiahou nodded slightly, a faint chuckle held back. Xingcai bowed slightly before leaving, her face already blank with determination.

And as she walked, the people she passed by smiled and waved back at her. And she would mimic that action in response. Though stern faced, she would give a polite smile. Yes, she was certainly well respected already. Years of training had brought her here. And it was inevitable that she would marry. After all, marriage was a societal norm, it was a fate that was inevitable whether you were man or woman. And who knew who she would marry? Not all the nobles she met were the snobby type who sucked up to others to only further their own greed. There were a few who were genuinely nice and who genuinely wanted to help bring peace to the land. Some were quite modest. Handsome even, for her particular taste. She should make the best of it, she decided, as her walk became more confident, marriage was unavoidable after all. And if she made the right choice, her marriage would be a fruitful and happy one.

And yet the small frown appeared regardless. The frown that appeared when no one was watching.

When she arrived at the courtyard, as always Liu Shan was not there. Not that that surprised her. She mentally scolded herself for not retrieving him directly—if memory served well, right now he should have just finished a lesson in his private library—but instead she just walked right here.

She tried to be rid of the conversation but it plagued her mind. Marriage. Children. Suitors. But most of all, love.

“I should not be thinking these things. Mother will choose someone that best fits both me and the family. She wouldn’t choose someone that doesn’t care for me will she?”

Mother was not a dumb person, despite her occasional childlike antics. She was not only observant but she had played matchmaker with some of her old friends before her moving to Shu from Wei. She would be able to spot someone who would be infatuated with Xingcai, a man who would care for her every being.

Then again, she married father. And after what he _did to her_ …

“No, I…I asked her to postpone because **I** wanted to choose my suitor. But who do I trust enough to marry?”

Well there were really only three options she could think of off the top of her head. Guan Ping is her friend, in fact her friend from childhood. There was no person she trusted more than him both in the battlefield and if she explained herself, there was little to no chance that she would refuse her. But she couldn't really imagine their relationship progressing any further than friendship. Whatever affection she has for him right now is purely platonic.

There was Zhao Yun. Decorated general, modestly handsome. Willing to put himself on the path of benevolence and yet also capable of having his own mind and his own desires. But he’s also far older than she is. And he‘s more of a mentor than anything else. She looked up to him but she couldn’t imagine being romantically involved with him.

Then there was Liu Shan himself. He was influential, wealthy. After all he is the emperor, the man so close to the heavens he could taste it. That will easily satisfy mother. And he was kind and sweet and caring. For some reason, it wasn’t that difficult for her to imagine living with him. But then there was his first marriage and………….

“No.” she proclaimed to the air around her, trying not to dwell on the painful memory. “I need to find someone else to marry. Someone I can live with. But that will mean I have to flirt with someone. And try and win their approval. And be…and be…” But she couldn’t find the words.

Anyways, she thought, she shouldn’t be thinking these things. She was lucky. A woman? To become a warrior? Many still found it difficult to believe. And she knew she had more freedoms than any regular person, let alone someone of the female sex. She shouldn’t be complaining. She should just accept her duty to her family and to her country. She should just accept the fact that the perfect suitor just did not exist for her. That whoever her mother chooses will be with her best interests at heart.

But then again, she wouldn’t be talking to herself if she wasn’t unsure. She only talked to herself like this when something was plaguing her mind.

“Do you want me to help?” A voice called out to her.

Instantly, she spun. So consumed she was in her thoughts that she did not hear the footsteps. From behind a column, lord Liu Shan appeared, wearing an expression of concern. Xingcai responded by shyly turning her head away. She said nothing, could not say anything. So Liu Shan continued. “I can help you, Xingcai. I can help you get what you want. But you have to trust me.”

She only stared at him. As though he was speaking a foreign language. They were the words she wanted to hear, these comforting if meaningless words. Taking her silence for agreement, he slowly walked off, leaving the mute Xingcai to follow him. The only sounds on the floor were of the soft breeze in the wind and their footsteps on the hard wooden floor.

_Although perhaps,_ she thought as she arrived at her destination _I should have put more thought as to ‘why’._

The room the emperor led her to was a small room for storage. Various furniture pieces were left in precarious positions at the corners of the room but in the middle was a small table with two cushions on either side. And the two of them were sitting silently. He was watching her. She was watching him. But the stare he gave her was making her uncomfortable.

She was trying to find the words to start this conversation? Say “hi”? No, that would be weird. Question him? Not a good idea. She needed to _ease_ into that particular topic. Frustrated, she blurted out the first thing that popped into his head.

“I will not be your mistress, lord Liu Shan.”

“H-huh? What? I-I didn’t invite you for that. H-how could I help you if I’m trying to f—” Embarrassed, Liu Shan turned his head away from her. A pink tint rose on his cheeks as his eyes returned to her. “We’re only here because I thought you would not want to talk about something so delicate in public. This is the most secluded spot I know.”

His words made sense, and in part it did relieve her (though his reaction was suspicious) but she was too busy blushing herself to go any further on that topic.

“You said you’d help me.” He nodded slightly. “How?”

“Ah,” he said. “That’s what I wanted to discuss. But first, make yourself comfortable. You…surely must not be… _comfortable…_ how you are sitting.” His eyes flicked downwards before returning to her face, his head nodding very very slowly. It took her a full second after that to realize her skirt was giving a rather daring view. She quickly adjusted herself, not before giving a dirty look to Liu Shan.

He took a breath before speaking, ignoring her angry stare. “I’m not a smart man, Xingcai. In fact, I am a fool at many, many things. But if I may speak frankly, I think there might be one thing which I am better at than most.”

“And that is?”

“I understand people.” He said simply.

It didn’t make much sense to her. Sure, she could say she was quite an understanding man. But what does that have to do with arranged marriages?

Liu Shan continued, “I realize it doesn’t sound very amazing. But wouldn’t you say that that is what most people would like in a romantic partner? In a husband or wife?”

“Yes…” she replied hesitantly, eyes still glazed in confusion. “But…surely you can’t teach ‘understanding’, can you?”

“No. No I cannot. But what I can teach you is how to see the signs. I can tutor you in the art of seduction. Just as you tutored me in the art of the sword.”

She tried to suppress an incredulous laugh, barely succeeding. “I appreciate the offer, my lord but I cannot ask that of you. You must have better things to do than to help me find a suitor.”

“But why not? It’s not like I’m fairly busy recently.”

“You should be busy! You’re the emperor!”

“But why can’t I help you? What reason is there?”

Oh there were **many** reasons she could think of. So many reasons popped into her head and she was about to list as many as she could think of when she saw his face. That look of conviction, of seriousness. It was an expression she sometimes witnessed when she caught him practicing by himself but never had she seen him give it to her. It was one of confidence, of stubbornness. A foreign expression that she never saw on him.

And in her slight surprise, she couldn’t help but **not** refuse him.

She grumbled a quiet “fine”. Liu Shan grinned, his body electric with giddiness, triumphant. The emperor was very close to bursting in excitement, like a little kid seeing the fireworks for the first time in their life. She only groaned in response.

“Before you get ahead of yourself, my lord,” she interrupted the cheeky smile on his face that she could NOT handle right now. “I have conditions.”

Liu Shan smiled, a little less in an excited manner and more like the calm, collected manner that was more commonplace with him. “What are they?”

“Firstly,” she raised her pointer finger. “It will be right after your training. Not before. I will give you ten minutes maximum for you to rest or to acquire what you need but no more. Unless you have a sufficient reason to not be able to, I will make sure you are coming.”

A small “pssh” escaped his lips in amusement. “But I get so tired after training. How can I teach when I am so physically exhausted?”

“I. Will. Make. **Sure**.”

The death glare she gave allowed a small frown to appear but he tentatively nodded. “I-If that is what you wish.”

“Secondly, I have the right to choose to stop the lesson at any time I want.”

“I thought that would not need to be said, Xingcai. It is you who is the student after all.”

“I don’t think you understand, Lord Liu Shan,” she shook her head, arms crossed in front of her. “I’m suggesting that if you don’t do a good job, I will not allow any more lessons. Or if you do something I think is _inappropriate_.”

The subcontext was not lost on him as he spluttered in shock and mild disgust. “You don’t honestly believe the rumours that I am a womanizer, do you?” He asked.

She didn’t think so, if she was being honest. But his reaction only made her even more uneasy.

“Lord Liu Shan, if you do anything—”

“D-do not be absurd, Xingcai.” He rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. “I would not do anything to a lady, least of all you.”

She was satisfied with that answer. For now, at least. “Finally—and of course this should be understandable—this is to be between you and me. I do not want you to tell others that you are doing me this favour.”

His head tilted further, brows low and tilted upward. “What do you mean?”

The reason, if she was being honest, was frightfully simple: she had difficulty conceptualizing her lord of all people keeping a secret. After all, it didn’t seem like he put much thought into his words. And she doubted he would be able to keep it secret for long. But if she was being honest to herself, she didn’t NEED to keep it a secret. It was just…embarrassing, private.

“I wouldn’t want others to make rumours up about us if we meet in private like this.” She replied coolly despite the partial lie. “It will ruin your reputation.”

“You shouldn’t worry. It’s not like anyone will expect the two of us to be holed up in such a small dirty room. They would think I have much higher standards than this.” He laughed.

She ignored his statement. “Does that mean you are agreeing to the terms or not?”

He waved his hand as if to shoo her way. “Of course, of course. I think a fool like me can manage that.”

“I should hope you do, my lord.” She said, hesitant.

“You have so little faith in me,” he laughs. “But if that is all, I must take my leave. I am already late as it is.” He slowly stood up. “I hope I will not disappoint you tomorrow.”

All she could do was raise her eyebrows, her smile weak but strained. “I hope not,” she replied. As grateful as she is to him, she was not making this decision easy. She quickly rose from her seated position. “I shall see you tomorrow then.”

“And I to you, Xingcai.” He smiled.

It was then that the two separated, not exchanging any thing else apart from a quick and quiet “goodbye” as they left the room. Her eyes wandered as she walked the empty hallways, her hand gliding on the smooth surface of the wall. All of a sudden she felt tired. Not physically but mentally. As though the conversation had exhausted her. She needed to go home.

And when she finally got there, all she could do was stare at the ceiling, reflecting on her actions today. How all of a sudden all of these changes were in her future. In particular her thoughts went back to that weird look in Liu Shan’s eyes; the almost serious, dark look he held. Thinking back on it, it looked like there was a flame lit in him. But that was silly. He was just being _benevolent_. Not once in her life did she ever see him get passionate about anything, and that might have been the closest. But still it was peculiar. How his brows lowered, the eyes glaring into her soul. His ebony hair framed his face differently, as if it had a personality of its own, understanding its owner’s intent. The look was weird. Unnerving. But also strangely alluring.

A dark blush appeared on her face when she realized she was examining this a bit too closely. She should go and talk to this with Guan Ping first. He could make sense out of this. But for now, all she wanted to do was stare at the ceiling, hoping it would give her the answers that she seek.

She tried to keep her thoughts onto the engagement but they found herself back at Liu Shan and the lesson he offered. Multiple scenarios played, each one worse than the other. All of them ending in failure. A hand went onto her head, a sigh escaping her lips as she turned her mind back to her engagement.

**Marriage**. Such a foreign concept. And of its related constituents: courting, dating, **love**. And she was asking him of all people. The emperor. Her boss. Her friend. Why would he offer this? Why would she accept? Why can’t she just decline these _love_ lessons.

Oh but she knows why. She does not know of love. She doesn’t know how to start, how to garner a man’s interest. She’s been the soldier for so long she wasn’t even sure if she saw herself as a woman. It was like she was this foreign humanoid, unaware of this sexual divide and the tension that surrounds it. And yet she wants to understand it, grasp it in her hands before it is left to chance. She wants the chance to choose her love, that is what she decided her motion was.

But as for why? That question loomed in the air forevermore.

“Darn it.” She murmured. Her eyes glaring at the ceiling. “I won’t be able to live this down, will I…”


	2. A difficult beginning

Chapter 2: A difficult beginning

As the morning sun rose and the birds began their sweet song, small rays of light filtered into the bedchambers of the emperor, giving the room a heavenly glow. The rays passed through the curtains surrounding the wide bed, in its centre the sleeping form of the emperor. A small beam reached his eyes and slowly his eyes opened. He slowly rose, half dazed, and went towards the window, opening the curtains slightly.

Before him was a golden sunrise, framed by a luscious garden and the red rooftiles atop the palace. The wind was crisp but light, hugging his naked body softly. In its golden light, the plants seemed to take an ephereal, magical quality; the palace so beautiful, enchanting. His hand trailed the curtain as he took in this glimpse of the world.

And slamed the curtains shut, his room covered in darkness once more.

He groaned at his early morning wake up, his hands rubbing the weird yellow substance in his eyes. He absolutely hated it when his body decided to wake him up earlier than needed but his desire to return to sleep was futile. He decided, against his better judgment he thought, that he might as well **properly** wake up and begins his daily morning regime. He walks to the mirror and he picks up a brush and attempts to get rid of the knots in his hair. He notes his dark circles in the dim light and he frowns.

With each stroke, he thinks. And whenever he thinks, he thinks in particular of yesterday. And with the topic of yesterday, his thoughts drift to Xingcai. Her reactions were written in a scroll in his mind, the territory mapped out and stamped on the bamboo paper that is his memory. He remembers that look of indecision, the agony of a fate as a spouse awaiting her. The way her lips purse in thought, crimson and plump. Tongue tracing crimson, making lips moist. But then he shakes his head quickly.

“Tch. I would’ve thought these thoughts would go away by now.” He sets down the brush and takes one final look at himself before standing. He turned to the curtains but he doesn’t want to face the light yet. He wants to stay in the darkness for a bit longer.

A thought occurs to him about the presence of his staff. From behind the doorway, he arched his head waiting to hear the sounds of the maids and servants scrambling to prepare his breakfast or his clothing but he heard nothing. Carefully, noting his bedroom wardrobe—or lack of one considering his preference to sleep _disrobed_ —he peeked out into the main foyer once more. Like before, no one was there. Nothing had changed in the span of two and a half seconds.

“Guess I woke up earlier than I thought.” He mumbled as he decides that the best course of action to try and **attempt** to get himself dressed by himself—something he was sure his servants would find _sacrilegious_ and _impossible._ If only they knew there were SOME things he was capable of doing by himself, he thought with a sardonic smile.

He opens the wardrobe and after a quick browse, he takes out two robes. On the choice of wearing the formal robe or casual, he opted for the casual. Not that he thought there was much of a difference as they were both equally difficult to get into and excessively elaborate. In fact, he didn’t see what was so different about the two. They were both green, albeit in different shades. Both had the hint of red that he wore, to serve as a reminder of his mother and his status as a son of both Shu and Wu. Stitched onto both were symbols of clouds and dragons, a symbol of royalty and power in these lands. The only thing that was even remotely different about the two was that the casual robe did not have the gold trim that the other had. It was in this process of dressing himself that his mind inevitably went to his dilemma. He, the foolish emperor, the man who needed five tutors to try and explain politics to him, the man who couldn’t wield a sword properly if his life depends on it, had to teach **Xingcai** of all people. The thought made him let out a rare grimace.

All of last night he was questioning the actions of yesterday. Why did he suggest this? Why did she AGREE to this? How in the world was he going to teach her? The first two questions were impossible to answer so that left him scrambling on the third: a plan to teach Xingcai.

The top half of his outfit complete, he tied his hair up, carefully placing the _mianguan_ on his head.

And oh it would be difficult. Not because she was dumb—no, she was smart! Maybe not in a scholarly way like Zhuge Liang but she certainly had a pragmatism to her that was beyond extraordinary. And he was sure he could pull **something** out of his tutelage that could help him in tutoring her (that would be the first time his tutoring would actually benefit him, he added as an aside). As for the subject of romance, well!

…well actually, he probably wasn’t the greatest person to ask on that subject. He had the theory and he sure had practiced before. Heavens KNOW he had practiced. And failed. Many many times. But even a fool like him, he thought, would be able to convert that knowledge for the opposite sex. And yet that was not what was going to make things difficult for him.

His fear was that with her way of thinking, it would be difficult to teach her in a _normal_ way. His mind recalled the time that he had to explain to Xingcai why the wearing of such a short skirt in public would guarantee the unwanted stares of men and how she looked at him as if **he** was the insane one. And in her rare bout of stubbornness she continued her habit of wearing the freeing garment as part of her every day ensemble. How he saw the other men stare more and more. How he had caught himself staring more times than would be appropriate.

He waved the thought away as he pulled his pants up, beginning the task of tying up the various belts around his waist. He found himself fortunate, turning an eye downwards, that his body didn’t seem to register the _sensual_ thought. It wouldn’t be the first time that had happened to him and he had doubts that this would be the last.

No, he had to be careful about teaching her, he told himself mentally over and over again. Unless he put it precisely, succinctly, she won’t understand. And ‘precise and succinct’ was never his tutor’s way. How on earth could he do it?

“Maybe I am overthinking this.” He tugged the sash around him, finally completing the outfit. “Xingcai is smart. I’m sure she will be able to understand this.” Doubts filled his mind but he just nervously laughed them away. “I suppose I am being irrational. She should be able to understand what I’m saying.”

**Later…**

“I don't understand what you are saying, my lord.”

“It’s not that difficult. See, there are different types of men—“

“I understand that. But I do not see what it has to do with rooms.” She let out a soft groan of annoyance. By this point, Liu Shan was tempted to groan himself but he kept the smile on his face.

His fears, however irrational they were, came true as he had made his first attempt at teaching her. He thought to start simple for this first lesson: figure out what kind of guy Xingcai likes so he can tell her the ways she might be able to charm such a person for future lessons (and he had to admit he was rather curious about her preference…from a completely unbiased perspective of course). But as he expected, the direct approach only left Xingcai flustered and confused and using the analogy that he was taught to remember about courting—that the perfect partner is someone who can be helpful and presentable no matter what room in the home—only left her annoyed and bewildered.

“Let me…try and find something to help you…visualize.” He stood up, turning to find some props to use.

The storage room was just like it was yesterday. Full of dust-covered junk. With the exception of the table and cushions they sit on, the rest of the items in this room he thinks must have only had sentimental value to whoever their previous owners were. But perhaps he could find something to use in this. He found four identical table ornaments, each of a different colour, and set them on the table. The only reason for choosing this was that they were one of the few things that weren’t covered in a thick layer of dust.

“OK. So let’s try this again.” He could feel the smile on his face today starting to wear thin. “Think of these four things here as rooms in your house.” She nodded. “So red here is your kitchen. Blue is your living room. Green is your garden and purple the bedroom.” She nodded again, though her eyes are still glazed with a tinge of uncertainty.

“These rooms of the house also represent the kind of men you might encounter. Now, the kitchen here,” he lifted the red ornament. “represents a fiery type of ma—“

“What about the bathroom?”

_Not this again_. “Xingcai, I already explained. For the purpose of the analogy, we don’t have a —“

She interrupted, “Then where are they going to wash?”

“I don’t know they wash in the bathhouse?” A hand went up to his hair as he looked down at the pieces. If he had disbelieved the compliments of his supposed intellect before then he was more inclined to receive it now after witnessing Xingcai trying to process this. He was pretty sure even an idiot like him would understand something like this. His thoughts went to his earlier attempts and he couldn’t help but wonder how BAD of a teacher he is.

She stood up with a loud and irritated sigh. “I’m sorry, Lord Liu Shan, but I don’t think this is working at all.”

His head violently turned back to her, eyes widened. “Wait! Hold on, there must be another way!”

A harsh sigh escaped her lips, softer than the first. A slight shake in her head as she cautiously sat back down. “I need to go soon so please, find another way to explain this.” One of her hands idly went to play with the ornaments.

Liu Shan’s eyes widened. No. No, he didn’t want her to leave. There was no way it could end well without his intervention. The darker, more sarcastic side of his mind started to question whether his intentions on offering these lessons were far more greedy than he had made it sound but the innocent side of him insisted that he was being benevolent and kind in his sacrifice. The dark side of his mind couldn’t help but comment about what kind of _sacrifice_ he was making here. The conscious part of him shooed both away, Yin and Yang metaphorically fluttering off back into the recesses of his mind. He needed to focus. He needed to find a solution. His mind went back to a piece of advice his mentors had taught him.

_Know your enemy, and you will know the way to stop your enemy_. Something along those lines. Liu Shan decided around then that the best way of tackling the _enemy_ was reviewing what he knew about Xingcai.

Sadly, it was not that much. She did not offer much about herself nor her life. In fact, the majority of what he knows was from overhearing conversations between their respective fathers. Whenever one father mentioned their children, the two other sworn brothers could not help but mention their own. It was always the hint of his name being spoken that aroused his curiosity. He suddenly regretted not paying much attention to the other two men and what they were talking about. A pity he wouldn’t have a future conversation between sworn brothers to help him in this crisis.

What he did know however was that she always wanted to be a protector. Always. A soldier, strong and true. More than that, she was driven by her duty to king and country, which meant that her trust with him was paramount, absolute (even if it might be wavering ever so slightly from his teaching methods right now). It was probably duty that was driving her to marry and duty that had fueled her the confidence to ask him for help. He knew she was shy and introverted in nature. In that sense she was an open book, albeit a book that was encoded in so many codes only few could read. He felt the smallest fragment of pride for being one of the people who could read her so well, the code to Xingcai easy to decipher.

From what he was told, she had very little formal training herself with the exception of the martial arts—which is already a luxury for a female—but he would catch her every so often trying to brush up (quite literally) on her calligraphy. Drawing the symbols from scrolls. Trying to figure out their meaning. But he remembered she quickly got annoyed and left after he walked in on her. He remembered briefly the scroll she had copied from, a rather recent one about war tactics.

_Wait…war tactics?_

And suddenly, the pieces were there. The picture was complete. His eyes widened and before he could stop himself, a grin came onto his face. He suddenly stood up, fished through a particular mound of junk filled to the brim with scrolls. Xingcai could only look with curiosity at his strange movements. His movements quick, hurried, Liu Shan flung through them until he let out an “ah ha!” as he found what he desired. The scroll landed on the table with a flop.

Xingcai peered curiously at the scroll. It was a rather recent if outdated map, no more than a few years old, defining the boundaries between Shu, Wu, Wei, and the then-newly formed Jin. She looked back up to Liu Shan.

“What…is this…?”

“Why, don’t you see, Xingcai?” He sat down, grin still in place. “This is your lesson.”

Not satisfied with the answer, Xingcai peered once again at the map. It didn’t make sense how this had anything to do with romance or courtship. Even when he put the ornaments onto the different regions, it did not make sense to her.

“Explain,” she said, harsher than she meant to.

“Well, I know you are more familiar with war. And you’ve accompanied me when I have ambassadors from the other kingdoms here. Wouldn’t you say you notice a similarity between them?”

“I…suppose,” She said. “I always found the Wei ambassadors quite cold and rather…clinical. And many of the Wu ambassadors seemed to get rather heated in debate.”

“That, my dear Xingcai, is exactly the point.” He raised the purple ornament, the one that was previous on Wei. “In this day and age, there are all sorts of people. But in this era divided into three—well, technically four—you need to find yourself a kingdom to align yourself to. Lest you get washed up in the waves of war. I personally find that a certain type of personality will align themselves to a certain kingdom. Forgive me if I am premature here but I suspect you have recognised it yourself?”

She nodded. It was making a bit more sense.

“To conquer kingdoms is the same as conquering hearts. You have to know the strengths and weaknesses of your enemy, choose your battles, try and conquer territory. And ultimately, you achieve victory—and peace.”

She spluttered, “You’re not suggesting that romance is anything like war, are you?”

“That is EXACTLY what I am suggesting.”

Slowly he could see the gears in her head working, the slight surprise on her countenance as the solution was revealing itself, one step at a time, before her very eyes. He finally had her.

“Picture it this way, Xingcai. You are a vagabond. Out to conquer a kingdom. Or, well, in this case you’re single and you’re trying to find a match.” He chuckled slightly. “But you only have enough resources and enough men to fight one kingdom. You have to choose your battles. And in order to get any territory, you have to choose who’s land you want. Thus, you have to choose a kingdom. ”

“Pick…a kingdom?”

“Yes,” He smiles. “For you see every land has its own perks and problems. Mountains and valleys, rivers and sea, tropical forest and cold tundra. And that’s not even taking into account the main fortress. All of this you have to know, understand, and combat these _traits_.”

“Oh! So basically what you’re saying is that you want me to…tell you…what I prefer in a man?” She gave a small, shy blush.

His smile softens. “You do not need to tell me if you do not want to.” He replied. “But you need to keep this in mind. Just like in battle, you have an objective. You must always have in mind what you want and what you need to do to accomplish it.”

“I…I see.” It was a long pause before she added, “I…wish I could say I had an idea but…I don’t think I do.” Her eyes turned downward. Her gaze was once again on the four ornaments. Gently, she picked up the green one that was designated for Shu. In her hands it seemed to have a life of its own, a character, a force that she could not explain.

In the silence, he noted the hidden expressions in her features. Her eyes were half-lidded in thought, her lips puckered slightly. Her fingers idly caressed the ornament, twirling it around her palm.

The idea that she did not know what she wanted, it was one he was acutely aware of but he had no clue until now of the extent of its depths. The fact that she asked for his help, the fact that she is confused and lost in territory unknown, it was clear that she was not a woman of romance. Her belief is to her duty. Her duty is to her country, her family. **To him**. Soon, she will have to learn about the new duty that awaits her and that is her duty to her betrothed.

He could feel the small flow of jealousy flow through his veins and kiss his cheeks but he banished it from his mind. Xingcai was his bodyguard, his friend. That’s all it ever was. And that’s all it ever will be.

“What…how…will I figure out what my ‘objective’ is, my lord?” She sets the ornament down. Her eyes are still glued to it.

“It’s something you have to discover yourself,” he sighs. “It’s natural that you will not know. So many people do not know what they desire, whether it be in romantic interest, career, or in life. You’ve never really delved so much into the land of courtship until now, have you? It is natural that you would have little clue on what you seek.”

“Then how can I find out?” She asks in a panic. “I don’t have much time to try and sort out my preferences. How can I find it out quickly?”

A solution popped into his mind but it was not one that he would ever want to utilize. Not with Xingcai. Instead, he lies and says, “There is no true way of figuring it out, I’m afraid.” He chuckles, “We’re fickle creatures, us human beings. It all depends on you and the pace at which you find out. It might take you a day, weeks. Maybe even months or years. All you need is patience.”

She crosses her arms at him. “But I don’t have patience, my lord. I don’t have the time. There must be another way.”

“If there is,” he admits. “It’s not something I am able to provide to you.”

Another moment of silence, and once again his head is filled with thoughts. Of unpleasant futures and what-ifs. Of the possibility that all this is for naught, that whatever he can tell Xingcai about courtship will amount to nothing and Xingcai falls into the bottomless pit that is an unhappy marriage. She’s not like other girls, he thinks. She won’t be happy with the affections of just any man.

He turns his head to the dark orange sun and its brilliant rays. A golden delight to all so fortunate to see it but to him now, it is a sign that it’s gotten late. Later than he thought it was. Not desiring to stay any longer, he rises from his seated position and instinctively, Xingcai follows suit.

“I believe that’s as much as I can teach you for today.” He smiles a sincere if tired smile.

“…it’s rather short is it not, Lord Liu Shan?” She said more as a statement than a question. He glances at the shadows of the sun and deduces that no more than a half hour must’ve passed.

His smile widened slightly. “Well this is only your introductory lesson. Tomorrow will be longer, as will all future lessons. No, tomorrow shall be the proper lesson.” He placed his hands behind his back and leaned in, his smile going sly. “I won’t be holding back from now on. I just hope it won’t _tire_ you out too much.”

Xingcai laughed quietly. “I suppose I will have to look forward to that.” She turned to the doorway but stops, places her hand on the frame, and turns back. “Same time tomorrow, am I correct?” He nods, and soon she is gone, a fleeting look of her back becoming a fleeting image that will only exist in the recesses of his mind.

When she is sure she is gone, he sighs. He throws his head back and closes his eyes and releases the pent-up air he did not even realize he was holding in. He glances once again to the sunset rays beating on his sudden and he is overwhelmed with a desire to lie down and watch the world around him go around in its own tentative peace. The grass in his fingertips, the bark of a tree at his back, silently supporting his wiry frame. He hears the gentle chirp of an unidentified bird and the call to nature intensifies. He thinks for just a scond that maybe it will be find to…skip the meeting. Have a break, a rest. Contemplate life for a bit.

But instead he turns his attention to the various things strewn around the room and begins the process of cleaning up. By the time he is done, the room is in as clean a state as he could make it but in cost, it took away the remaining minutes of sunlight away from him. Deciding that he wasn’t all that hungry, he retreated to the sanctity that is his palatial suite and delved into the inner sanctum that is his bedroom and there he lies, staring at nothing but the ceiling. The moon. The stars that twinkled. He stays there for an hour before he decides to go to sleep for good, discarding the used robe unceremoniously on the floor and just lies on his bed, back straight, eyes staring ahead, blank and emotionless.

He wonders in his mind if Xingcai is also preparing for bed. It’s early. Far too early in the night to desire sleep but then again her early wake up must ask for an early bed time. He wonders himself about the kind of man he could imagine Xingcai courting, the kind of man both would mutually be infatuated with. It would be a serious man, protective in his own right. His frame will be strong but not bulky, built for battle and yet he couldn’t imagine this imaginative boyfriend being anything but a scholar. He would have to be a noble to meet the standards of Xingcai’s family and yet he would also have to be a man who prefers simplicity. A man who does not desire any excesses but not to a frugal point. He would have to be handsome in a slightly rugged way, he thinks, for he can’t imagine Xingcai being in the arms of a man of an androgynous beauty.

With a scowl, he quickly realizes that if his mental image was right, Xingcai’s perfect man was his polar opposite. A man he had always aspired to be but knows he can’t no matter how hard he tries. He shakes his head and turns his body to the side, away from the haunting moonlight.

“I’ll just have to make sure she finds that guy then.” He grumbles sleepily.

That night, sleep eludes the emperor, and when it is then captured the dreams are unpleasant. Boring, bland, forgettable.


	3. The first test

_Just a bit of a warning that I'll be using historical information alongside the KOEI version so there'll be a LOT of mature topics coming up. Won't bump up the rating but still, mature. Also, I'm only really writing this when I have the time so I'll TRY and keep this on a weekly schedule but especially in the coming weeks, don't expect it to be AS frequent. Doesn't help that I'm writing a lot more, huh..._

_Anyway, that's the gab. I don't own KOEI, Liu Shan, or the Kingdom of Shu._

Chapter 3: The first test

Xingcai was surprised to find that after the rather rocky start to her lessons with Liu Shan she did not encounter any other problems. His teaching method changed. Complex concepts he explained in such a fashion that would at times stupefy her at how simple he makes it sound. Even just trying to explain it to herself later, she is amazed at how many more words she requires to explain what took her lord so little. And in the event these complex concepts could not be explained normally then he would use analogies related to her understanding of combat and war. Body language was likened to feints, attacks and blocking maneuvers. Pick up lines and icebreakers are taunts designed to leave the enemy vulnerable. His words were the tactics and her actions, the choreographed sequence of battle.

These lessons were little more than advanced etiquette lessons in Xingcai’s mind but regardless they were more than helpful. One day she sees two servants, a maid and a steward, courting each other and she pays attention to the way the girl acts. These actions which, mere days before would make little sense to her, she now realizes are tactics designed to ensnare her target. She stopped observing when she saw the lady suddenly take the man’s hand and pull him away, the two in giggling fits, and Xingcai, with a blush on her face, decides is an apt time to walk away and perform her duties. It was at this time that Xingcai made a discovery two-fold: that what she has been taught definitely had practical and sensible use and that she most definitely was neither of the skill or desire to seduce a man into her bedroom in mere minutes.

A week passes in a flash and she hears nothing from her mother about the future plans for her betrothal party. She is sure her mother is coordinating with other well-to-do mothers in acquiring information about any known suitors that meet her standards. When her mother puts her mind to it, Xingcai thinks, she is far more capable at extracting information than a torturer and a scout combined. In some part she is relieved that there is no other talk about suitors to rattle her but there is a part of her that is anxious to find out the impending date in which she must announce she becomes betrothed to someone. But the passing of a week had little by little quelled the anxiety of the impending betrothal and soon this slow rhythm of hers, of performing her duties followed by Liu Shan’s _lesson,_ is becoming ritual. What was not commonplace however was the arrival of the palace messenger with a scroll for her.

_To Zhang Xingcai_

_Please dress up nicely for today’s lesson. Something comfortable but fashionable would be preferable._

She didn’t need to look at the imperial seal on the scroll nor the distinctive handwriting (equal parts regal and messy) to know her lord wrote this. She is taken aback by the need for him to write to her like this but she thinks he must have his reasons and the message is stored inside the calendar inside her mind, crossed and underlined and circled.

Today, she is not to train Liu Shan (as he had made it very much clear to her that he has an important meeting, one of the few excuses she allows) and in that time that she is normally to help him practice his rapier technique, she recalls the words stained on the scroll and instead she prepares for this unknown occassion.

She does not know the formality of ‘the lesson’ so she wears something slightly more formal, a rather girly but simple dress. Her makeup is reapplied and her hair is brushed but otherwise she looks rather much the same. She stares at herself in the reflective glass and, deciding that this is probably the appropriate amount of _fashionable_ that the emperor had asked for, made her way to the storage room, the room that has now become the meeting point for her courtship lessons.

Inside, there is no one. Only a solitary message, scribbled quickly with ink blots scattered every so often across the scroll.

 _Come to throne room_ it reads.

She wonders briefly why she could not come and say it in person or what was so urgent to require a change in routine but she ignores it as she makes her way there.

Inside the throne room is a small group of men—ministers she believes—surrounded by servants carrying trays of snacks and drinks. Liu Shan is a part of this group of men, conversing animatedly to his captive audience. She does not know the context of the conversation but as she gets close enough to hear what he is talking about, she hears him make a self-deprecative joke and the men are laughing.

She moves closer and he hears her footsteps, sharp and distinct against the wooden floor. He turns. His eyes glance to her and his smile widens slightly. He makes an excuse to leave the conversation and soon he is standing in front of her.

“Good, you are here.” He scans her dress quickly. “It’s a lovely shade, that dress on your skintone.”

“Thanks,” she mutters, herself not particularly partial to the dress. It was in fact her mother’s purchase and though she too likes the colour, the cut is rather too restrictive on her body to her liking. She hopes she made the right choice in dress today. “Are we…” her eyes dart across the room then, in a hushed whisper she adds, “…are we having a lesson here?”

His response is a chuckle. “Oh, we are not having a lesson today.” She gives a quizzical look. She definitely remembers ‘lesson’ being written. “Don’t worry, I’m still _teaching_ you, my dear Xingcai,” he raises his hands defensively, “but today’s format is a little bit different. I decided it would be rather boring if all I did was just teach you one on one.”

 _Boring for you, perhaps_ she wants to say but she stifles it. “So what ARE we doing today?”

“Simple. Today’s going to be let you explore your skills practically.”

“H-huh?” Her body stiffens instinctively.

“Why not, I mean, what use is it for me to teach you something and you not getting to use them? I mean, there are so many factors for the final day that will no doubt need to be refined. There’s behaviour, body language, charisma—“

“I-I mean,” she almost shouts it but noticing the stares of the people in the room returns to her whisper tone, “…I mean. What is this…thing, my lord?”

“Well, if my timing is good, he should be coming in any moment now.”

 _He?_ She wordlessly asks herself in her mind but before she can even hope to gain an idea of the intentions of her lord/teacher, her warrior instincts kick in. A new person came into the room. She turns her head and sees a rather handsome man strut in decked out in the casual robes of a noble. Akin to Liu Shan, his hands are behind his back as he surveys the room and when eyes catch sight of Liu Shan, a big grin falls upon his face.

“My lord Liu Shan! It has been so long.” He breaches the distance between the two and gives a quick bow followed by a quick hug. The closeness between the two astonishes Xingcai, let alone the breach of formality in even **touching** the emperor. But Liu Shan seems ignorant of this and greets the man with his own signature smile.

“Indeed it has been too long, Qiao Gan. I only hear word of your arrival in my capital and I do not go out of my way to see you until now? A horrible friend I am.”

“Nonsense, your presence is more than enough, my lord.” He laughs. “A week ago I was far worse for wear than I am now. You’d be more sorry for the flies that died from my stench, I was in horrid need of a bath.”

Vaguely in Xingcai’s mind she recalls that it was exactly a week ago that Liu Shan had offered his assistance and she wonders if unknowingly she had prevented the emperor from seeing what is clearly a very dear old friend. She quickly reassures herself that she was not at fault. Liu Shan gave no indication he was to meet someone, after all.

“Well, as much as I would love to know why on earth such a tidy and clean man like yourself would be in a state of filth, introductions are in order.” He places his hand on Xingcai’s shoulder and her muscles tense slightly in surprise then relax. It was a mistake to leave her shoulders exposed, Xingcai thinks. “This is Zhang Xingcai. Second daughter of Zhang Fei and a most remarkable general.” Xingcai is surprised at the use of her surname. Never before had he used it, not in her presence. Opposite her, Qiao Gan crossed his arms, his expression a mix of skepticism and coy seduction. “She is also my bodyguard.” Liu Shan adds, aware of the response the man before him gives.

The coyness in Qiao Gan’s features deepens. “Sure she is, SURE she is.” He laughs. “I cannot believe such a beautiful woman would ever dirty herself with the horrors of war.” A small tint of a blush spreads her cheeks and he laughs again, slightly quieter than before. “I am Qiao Gan, Lady Zhang Xingcai. A humble man of noble birth, and as you can see my biggest life achievement is to have been graced with the young emperor’s presence.”

Liu Shan scoffs lightly. “Do not listen to him, Xingcai. Lord Qiao Gan is a renowned physician, from a long line of court physicians. His father tended after my father through his illness. He is also one of the few people I can genuinely call a friend.”

“Oh, we ALL know how picky you can be with **friends** , Lord Liu Shan.” The man joke sarcastically. Xingcai chuckles but turning to Liu Shan, she swears she sees his expressions flash. Like lightning, a microscopic frown creases his expression before he laughs. She continues observing for a second but just as quickly as it disappeared, so too had her concerns she was too engrossed into this meeting of two men alike and dislike.

“Anyway,” Liu Shan ignores the comment. “Lord Qiao Gan travels the country nowadays, going to villages and helping calm the tides of illness that plague people.”

“Your emperor is flattering me. Granted, I am a talented physician but the diseases that I treat run rampant in this chaos and many of them are untreatable. I don’t save many lives in my travels but I like to think the few I do make a difference in the world.”

She understands him far too well. It is what drives her to be a protector of her kingdom, a call to the arms she now bears. “Lives do matter. I’m sure the people you have saved are grateful to have someone talented taking care of them.” She smiles.

“I’m sure they are.” Qiao Gan smiles, his eyes meeting hers. They lock for what seems like a long time before breaking apart, his gaze now on the group of men chatting behind her, then to what she assumes is the window.

It is almost striking, she thinks, that a man like him would travel the world, curing the ill. She had so many questions to ask him. Does he get paid for this? Does he roam outside the barriers of Shu? Is he a lone traveler? How is he so friendly with Liu Shan? These questions were interrupted by the sound of her lord’s voice.

“Well, I wish I could stay and chat,” Liu Shan interrupts. His smile, she swears, looks less exuberant from before. “But I am afraid I am still on business. Talking to ministers, discussing policies, it’s all rather trivial but alas that is what I must do.” He squeezes Xingcai’s shoulder very softly. “I hope, Qiao Gan, that you do not mind me putting my bodyguard in your care. Have fun while I am gone.” He releases his grip and walks away. But as he walks, he turns his head, his expressions visible to her but not to Qiao Gan, and gives a sly wink.

Xingcai recoils and is about to shout at her emperor when she stops, takes a breath, and gathers her thoughts. As much as she would **love** to shout at him and demand him to explain himself, she is still supposed to be a lady. And as much as she had detested social protocol in the past, for her benefit and his, she shuts her mouth.

Instead, she walks up to him and asks, “Lord Liu Shan. May I have a word in private with you?”

Liu Shan studies her for a second before replying, “Of course”. He turns to Qiao Gan. “Excuse me for a second.” In the corner of her eye she sees the devious smirk appear on Qiao Gan’s face but she ignores it as the two walk towards an empty corner of a room.

Once she is sure she is outside of earshot, she crosses her arms at him, her voice low. “What are you doing, my lord?”

“What?” His eyes widen. “I know I am a rather lazy individual but I actually do have to talk to the ministers. There’s been talk of agricultural problems in the villages outside the city and—”

“Not that,” She snarls. “I am talking about you so clearly setting me up with Lord Qiao Gan.”

“Oh, is that it? Why, that’s simple. He’s your test.”

“My WHAT?!” All eyes turn to her and in embarrassment, she blushes. She moves an idle strand of hair behind her hair nervously as the rest of the people continue their conversations, albeit quieter than before.

“…ahem, well…anyway,” He restarts. “I thought it wouldn’t be so good to just teach you without a chance for you to try out your newly-taught skills. After all, it’s only fair to have a practical aspect to these lesson, much as you do with my training.”

“Liu Shan, you don’t seem to understand.” Her voice is low but aggressive. “What IS the test and how is Lord Qiao Gan involved?”

He links his arms behind his back and pivots his weight onto one foot, head tilted to the left. “Was it not obvious?” He sighs, more out of amusement than annoyance. His smile still lingers. “Your test is for you to try and flirt with my friend, try and get him to reciprocate. I’ll be watching from afar so I’ll see how you are doing. And who knows, you might even get a date if you like him.”

“So you just brought in a random man here when you are discussing politics just to flirt with me?! How in the world did you get him to agree to this? Who else did you tell about our lessons?”

“Xingcai, I did not tell anyone. Qiao Gan does not know anything, I would never abandon the trust you placed in me and tell anyone else about the lessons.”

“My lord.” She growls. “You better not have told anyone. Now explain this test. Right now.”

“Right, an explanation. Right…” He takes a deep breath in, then out. “So. For this test and for most of the tests I shall ask you to do in the future, I’m going to invite some close friends of mine, friends that haven’t met you before and who I think would be perfectly good suitors for you. I’ll make some excuse so that the two of you can chat in private where hopefully you get some hands-on experience and try to win their favour. And if one of those men happens to be your soulmate, I can always pull some strings to perhaps make them a potential suitor for your betrothal.”

“But why?”

“You need to actually court someone,” he says. “If you really want to choose your suitor, Xingcai. No one will respond if you don’t show you are interested in them.”

She takes a step backward, instinctively but ultimately she is expressionless. It was a crazy, crazy plan and an even crazier test. Liu Shan is crazy to do this. With his _friends_? How many does he even have? She turns to Qiao Gan and he shoots her a smile. She recoils slightly at the sight.

 _Oh damn it. I’ve made myself nice, came in here and almost made a fool out of myself twice._ She thinks to herself. _It’s just my duty…it’s just my duty._

She closes her eyes for a second and for a second she feels the tremble in her hands and the shakiness of her breath but when they reopen, she shoos away the fear. _It’s just my duty._

“Fine. That makes…perfect sense.” She proclaims in a robotic tone.

“X-Xingcai? Look, if this is too much for you—”

“It’s fine.” She interrupts, repeating the mantra in her head over and over. Its calming effect is weakening. “You are right. I do need practical experience. And…and if this is the way then so be it. I shall do this _test_.” She tries to make it calm but instead it escapes a snarl.

“Xingcai, don’t push yourself. I…are you nervous?”

He puts a hand on her shoulder. It does little to comfort her. “I’m…fine. Just fine.” She lies. She brushes the hand off of her.

“Xingcai.” He whispers, but already she is lost to her thoughts.

What was this idiocy she was feeling now? This weakness. This fear. It was a feeling completely foreign to her to which she has no defense against. It’s stupid, it’s weird, she cries in her mind, it’s dumb. But she needs to do this. Yet her mind is restless in her fight against this anxiety she feels. She was never the most expressive of people but she never felt such nervousness at the prospect of interacting with a man. She’s done this before, she’s practiced in body and soul. She has talked to men plenty of times, few of which had showed interest in her. She had denied them that opportunity but she nevertheless dealt with them in a calm and collected manner. And yet her heart is giving out on her now, spreading deceitful rumours of failure and defeat and they make her fearful. She imagines her father, chastising her for being so weak but no matter how out of character it is for her father to say such words, they are powerful regardless in arresting her emotions. _It’s my duty_. She repeats over and over again so the voices in her head are drowned out. _It’s my duty. It’s my duty. It’s my duty._

“Xingcai?” She stirs, eyes wide open as she turns her attention back to Liu Shan.

“Sorry, my lord. I didn't hear you.”

His smile fades and a thin line forms, eyebrows edged together in concern. “You are nervous.” He whispers. It’s not a question anymore, she notes. It’s a statement.

She remains still, expressionless. She does not want to show anything that will compromise the calm and collected image she has been maintaining. She has been training, long before these lessons began and long before she met Liu Shan, to prevent herself from showing these compromising emotions but they are failing and failing horribly. The word ‘failure’ repeats in her mind and it magnifies the emotions she feels, of shame and humiliation and agitation.

“Xingcai, it’s alright to be nervous.” He says. “It’s different. And new. But it’ll be alright. Things will go alright and you’ll be a better person for it and you’ll—” He is silent for a second. His words die out, lifeless and decomposing until all that remained were the bare bones that were said earlier. “If I gave you some advice, would it help?”

She nods, slowly. Her head is low and she stares at her feet, his feet. Anything that is not his face and his eyes.

“There’s a reason why I chose Qiao Gan for your first lesson. He is probably the easiest person to read. His body language is very expressive and he is very open about his emotions. If you can get him to talk about his interests, he is practically yours. He falls in love very quickly, always going from one woman to the next but he is loyal. And he’ll never hurt you lest the heavens strike me down now.” She scoffs slightly but otherwise she remains staring at the floor. “Look, I’ll even give you a secret, come here.” Xingcai remains stiff. “Come on, you’ll enjoy this, Xingcai.”

She turns her head so that she can see Qiao Gan, her right ear raised as Liu Shan leans in to whisper. The hairs on her neck bristle as she feels his warm breath. Her ear feels warm too, as though heat radiates from his hand. On instinct, her body inches closer to his. Her eyes flutter closed when he draws in a breath and her body is tense in anticipation. The feeling flowing through her veins frightens her. She’s never been this close to him before.

“I hear that if you scratch him behind the ears like a cat, he’s like clay in your hands.”

She splutters and pushes him away. It was random, completely out of left field and it left her reeling. She stares at him in horror and surprise and, when the initial shock has left her body, she is laughing and there is nothing she can do to stop herself. What in the world prompted Liu Shan to say that? Her laugher prompts him to laugh and they are, for a second, in their own world.

When the laughter finally quiets, in between intermittent bouts of snickering, she says, “That is horrible, I don’t believe you, Liu Shan. Who told you that?”

“Oh I have my sources.” He laughs. “Some sexually deprived sources, so desperate for a relationship that they’ll peep into others.”

“Heavens, Liu Shan, I think you need some better spies. So focused on a noble’s love life.”

He leans in, a smug smile on his face. “Then who am I going to black mail? Such a poor man like me has to resort to crime to acquire the wealth he has.” She shoots him an incredulous look but they both know she is still laughing.

“Stop.” She giggles, playfully pushing him away. “You’re distracting me. You can’t critique me if I don’t go over to lord Qiao Gan right now.” She says but she makes no plans to move.

“Maybe I am delaying you a bit,” he chuckles, “but you’re not nervous anymore, right?”

She turns, and is about to give a witty remark of her own but instead, she is silent as she ponders over his words. Liu Shan always had an effect on her. This calming wave that is instilled in his voice and flows through his mannerisms. Any irritation she has for him is quickly lost. Any anger or stress or sadness too. And once again, the power he holds has gripped her. She looks into the orbs of his eyes, like crystal. She sees an energy flow in there but it is trapped, frozen in a time long forgotten, like a fable of old. It’s times like these where only he can calm the storm inside her that she thinks to herself that there is more to her lord, an inner strength of sorts.

She finds it frustrating that she only sees it now, in times when she is weak. She has been training him for so long, so very long, and yet he never shows this side, the stronger side, when duty calls. She wants to extract it. Forcibly pull it out from deep inside him and show it to him in both its glory and shame. The goods and evils he is capable of, to command emotions so expertly and quell the storms.

She opens her mouth, to ask him the one question that has plagued her mind about him, why he hides the strength she so clearly see in his eyes. Instead, she gives a gentle if slightly dejected smile to him, and replies, “You know what you are doing, my lord.”

And she walks away, away from her lord and into the presence of Qiao Gan. She can feel his stare on her back as he stands still, unmoving. If men would stare at her like this, it often would incite disgust in the pit of her stomach but instead, it consoles her. She’s not truly alone and let to his mercy and that thought alone is enough to give her enough strength to walk the few steps it takes to be beside Qiao Gan once more. When she finally arrives and gives a brief apology for her absence, he looks at her as though she had only been gone for a moment and not the precious few minutes she wasted being self-conscious.

“You took your time, Xingcai.” Qiao Gan comments when she returns. “I heard our lord and you laughing earlier. What was it about?”

She waves the comment away, a smile on her face. “Nothing important.” The test has begun and her nervousness is nowhere to be seen.

If she had known talking to Qiao Gan would be this easy, Xingcai would have thought her earlier worries to be preposterous. She did not know how Liu Shan came to so excruciatingly **correct** but Qiao Gan was what Liu Shan had said and more. His body language was not just expressive but **incredibly** so. Trying to pick out a subject of interest was easy because, like a child, his every move was an exaggeration. Every smile was a grin. Every frown was a forlorn pout. Every laugh roared and every anger barked.

And his interest were wide and varied, from politics (“Political stability in this kingdom is rather high compared to the other kingdoms but I have to admit the handling of certain regions could be better managed”) to medicine (“I have this herbal ointment that removes bruising and scratches so easily. I must give it to you next time I see you, I cannot bare to imagine what you would look like injured”) to, surprisingly, the concept of courtship (“It would be lovely to have a beautiful woman take care of me. I think it’ll be lovelier, however, if I could take care of her just as well as she does me”).

She recites what she learns as though it was ingrained into her. She forces her body to take a stance that Liu Shan claims is equal parts seduction and aloofness, a mix he claims is immediately attractive even though she thinks it only shows off her breasts better. Whenever there is something in the conversation she finds fascinating, she puts in extra effort to exaggerate her eagerness, laughing at his sub-par jokes and showing interest in topics that would otherwise not be her fancy. She even attempts to establish some body contact, comforting him with a hand to the shoulder, finding excuses to touch him. It was only when she noticed him recoil from embarrassment that she knew it was working. And for added effect—even though she was not taught this—she thinks it’s a good idea to put a bit more emphasis on her _natural curves_ and she thinks she caught him stare once and it’s a good, fuzzy feeling she gets in return, the warmth and fuzziness of success in this mission she has been chosen to take.

She was pleasantly surprised, both in how Qiao Gan presents himself to her, and of Liu Shan for setting the two of them up like this. It was strange to do this in front of people, she first thought when she first tried to converse with him, but it was comforting in a way. Sometimes in the middle of conversations she thinks she can feel Liu Shan’s gaze on her but whenever she turns, he is talking animatedly about something else and she is glad for his presence. Especially glad that it is **only** his presence.

“Haha, so Lady Zhang.” He calls her that now instead of Lady Zhang Xingcai and she likes the formality of how he says it. “If I may be so bold, why does our lord call you by your style name? Does he have so much faith in you that he considers you equals?”

She chuckles quietly and replies, “No, that is not it at all. I insisted he call me Xingcai.”

“That is most peculiar. Why did you ask for such a thing?”

She gives an embarrassed smile. “If I must be honest, I’m not a fan of my given name. It doesn’t suit me, it’s rather silly.” She wonders, too late, whether or not she should say it but she says it regardless. “Also, my lord, he has…a problem with calling me Lady Zhang.”

He is confused in his typically over-expressive way but then he understands what she said and his eyes look like they are about to come out of their sockets. Just as she thought, despite being so long away from the castle, Qiao Gan knew of her sister’s marriage to Liu Shan.

He probably also knows how that marriage came to a tragic end, just like everybody else in the kingdom does.

“T-the Empress Zhang is your sister? O-oh I am t-terribly sorry, Lady Zhang—er, Lady Zhang…Xingcai.” He drops down onto one knee and bows and puts his hands together and she is embarrassed further, quickly ushering him back up standing. It takes him a full second before he notices the gesture and returns. His expression is sheepish. “I hope I didn’t…hit a nerve there, ehe.”

It’s been a while since she last thought of it seriously. Her older sister’s marriage to Liu Shan. When it was announced, her sister was so happy. It was all she could wish for, to be married to a noble man with a heart of gold, she told her. A man she would happily care for. Xingcai wonders if she was still happy up until she died. Did Liu Shan really take care of her? He mourns for her, and yet although her is her husband, he gets over her death so quickly. Far far quicker than Xingcai did. And Xingcai, she knows she is stronger in spirit than Liu Shan. Only a man who did not care for his wife would get over it that quickly…

She shakes her head and returns to the conversation. The time to mourn for her sister is soon but not now. “No, don’t worry.” She says, stern and serious but genuinely unconcerned. “It’s in the past. And I am just so relieved that Liu Shan does not ask me about my given name anymore.” She smiles nervously. “I really do hope I never have to tell anyone.”

“Well…for what it’s worth, I think Xingcai suits you very well, Lady Zhang. It’s a dazzling name. For a dazzling woman.” He grins and she smiles herself and for a moment, their gaze connects. She studies his face, trying to suss out the unusual expression in his face. That of happiness and confusion and intense thought. She studies his eyes in particular and takes in the dark ebony, the small glint of white from the light. They’re small, but not particularly unattractive. Then again, they are not particularly attractive either. His stare gets more intense.

She stares back, in the hopes that maybe, in this passing conversation, she can feel the spark. She’s heard all the stories before from her girl friends. From their collective—if varying—accounts, she made up an idea of the _spark_. It starts as a shiver somewhere in your spine, and it travels downwards, towards your gut. From there, fire spreads through your limbs and your body heats up, and in the heat, you swear you see the stars in their eyes. She stares, and she waits for the spark to arrive. But none does, even after he breaks eye contact with her.

“Lady Zhang.” Her ears perk up at the darker, quiet tone but she keeps her face stoic. She’s wondering now if the spark is late. It has to be late, the man before her is everything her mother would want in a suitor, every admirable trait is contained in his very soul. “Would you…accompany outside this room?”

 _It’s still not there_ she thinks. _Not here at all_. It should have happened now, right? Qiao Gan is a perfect gentleman: smart, capable, selfless, kind. Who would not fall for such a man? When she returns to the world, she stares blankly at him and she is silent. The words cannot flow. Wordlessly she nods and wordlessly, she follows him as he leads her, one arm gripping hers lightly, away from the throne room. She turns her head one last time to Liu Shan but he is still chatting away in his own little world.

They are outside in the halls and it is cooler. The sun is about to set but she could not care less. Where is the spark, she thinks, is it me or is it…?

She turns to Qiao Gan. Could it be possible she…misinterpreted him?

“My Lady Zhang Xingcai, I have only known you for a short time. And…already I can feel a strong bond with you.” She tenses, prepares herself for the inevitable. She feels fear rising but she quells it inside her. “It’s…it’s uncanny. I’ve never felt it like this. I don’t even know if I deserve such a thing but…” She waits. “…I…” Any second now.

“….I’m already married.”

A second passes. Then two. Then three more.

Xingcai.exe has stopped functioning.

“I-I’m sorry, Lord Qiao Gan. D-did you say you were…?”

“I’m afraid I led you on, my lady. I’m sorry, truly.”

She thinks she should act surprised or confused or angry but instead, she sighs a sigh of relief. She didn’t realize how tense she was until she felt her whole body relax. He’s already taken, she can’t help but think, _Thank the GODS_!

“Ah! Oh heavens.” She rubs her forehead. “You do not know how relieved I am, Lord Qiao Gan. Haaah.”

He chuckles, “Well this is certainly not the reaction I was expecting.”

“Oh you don’t understand, Lord Liu Shan—” She stops, and wonders briefly whether it would be OK to spill this detail to Qiao Gan, a man who was a stranger an hour ago, but she then decides that it would not do any harm. “Lord Liu Shan, he’s helping me in the ways of courting. Helping me find a suitor for my impending engagement. And you just happened to be… _hand picked_.”

“Am I?” He says in a more casual way than she expected. “Huh.”

“What is it?” It sounded TOO casual for her liking.

“Ah, I’m just rather pleasantly surprised, is all. Your lord choosing a man like me for such a beautiful and capable woman such as yourself? He doesn’t know what he’s got, I tell you.”

She blushes. She may be relieved she doesn’t have to court him but still doesn’t mean she is not flattered. “W-well…what about your wife? Wouldn’t you want to introduce people to her?”

“I’d love to it’s just that…well, my marriage is a secret because the woman I had married is of a poor family. And although my family supports it, my friends and colleagues do not agree. I’ve had to ask her to pretend to be my personal maid while I am here in the kingdom. I’m just glad that she agreed, I can’t imagine what she’s feeling.”

“I…see.” She doesn’t know what other words she can say apart from _I see_.

“But it’s such a pity. If I wasn’t so blinded by love, I would say you’re the third most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.”

She can’t help herself. With a chuckle she asks, “And the other two?”

“My wife and child, of course.”

“A daughter, too?”

She smiles, and just for a second she thinks he can see the melancholic smile of a father who misses his family already. It disappears quickly. “Oh, enough about me.” He waves away, his vigour intense once more. “It’s time for you, my lady. What has our lord Liu Shan been teaching you, huh? Give you _kissing lessons_? How to _smooch_? Does he _comfort_ you when you are lonely?”

“A-absolutely not! M-my lord has done nothing like that.”

“Aw, that’s such a pity. You two would make a good couple.”

“Yes, well…if he was even remotely interested in me, I don’t think he would be so eager to set me up with you.”

He places a hand thoughtfully on his chin. The sly smile has returned. “I don’t know about that, a humble peasant compared to an emperor? Maybe he’s just trying to show off how much better he is compared to me.”

She scoffs at the idea. Liu Shan is many things, a gentleman, an employer and a friend just being some of those things. But jealous? Attracted to her? Impossible, she thinks. “I don’t think Lord Liu Shan wants to be in a relationship. Not with me and not with anyone else. Not yet.”

“You’d be surprised.” Qiao Gan says thoughtfully. His lips pout and his forehead creases and his gaze is to the ground. “Don’t tell your lord but when I knew him, I always thought he was…lonely. Like there was no one he could confide in. You know he was never popular with people even when he was a child.” She knew. Knew very well his reputation and its changes over the years. “But I’m glad he’s got someone to guide him along this time. Despite my teasing earlier, I do think you two suit each other.”

She forces her face to be neutral. His words stir something in her that unsettles her. Pleases her and scares her at the same time. “Do you…mean that in a romantic way or some…other way?”

He laughs, the sad expression gone. “Whatever way you like, lady Zhang Xingcai. Whatever way you like.”

In the aftermath, they had said their farewells, Qiao Gan retiring home early, kissing her hand in farewell and told her to “tell lord Liu Shan he owes me a proper visit. And make sure he invites you too”. With a smile, she makes a promise to do just that and with a nod, he turned and walked away. As he walked, she couldn’t help but notice how his posture changed slightly, as though his walking was easier. Perhaps he was also trying to be something he wasn’t tonight and it comforted her a bit, knowing that he was probably as nervous as she was.

She returns to the throne room. It was largely unchanged with the exception of a few people who were now absent. Liu Shan however is still around, alone, taking a sip from some wine he must have acquired in her absence. It was unlikely it was something earlier prepared as the cup was ordinary and the brew, from his expression, was not the best the castle had to offer. He turns and for a moment they catch sight of each other and the disgust in his countenance is replaced with a grin. He ushers her towards him and she complies.

“Well, well. I did not expect this at all. I saw the two of you, chatting so happily. I saw the two of you go out into the hall, you must tell me all the details. Am I to expect to see the two of you together in the future?” He laughs.

“Lord Qiao Gan is taken, I’m afraid.”

“Oh? Oh, that’s such a pity. You two seemed to be so at ease with each other. I was hoping to send him an invitation to your betrothal party.”

“Whenever that is,” she adds. “No, lord Qiao Gan has a…girlfriend. And if I have to be honest myself I…don’t think our relationship would have worked out.”

“Why not?” He asks, and he waits for her answer but she is silent.

She wish she could give him an answer that’s not just _because I don’t think I’m attracted to him maybe_ but there is none that she thinks would make sense outside of her head. So instead, she says, “I don’t think he’s my type.”

His mouth opens, as though he is to ask more but to her relief, he stops, silence emanating, and shuts his mouth. He could probably detect her confusion. She can clearly see it on his own face.

“I……it’s…late, Xingcai. Is it not? You should probably head off home.”

“Are you staying then, my lord? I shall stay and do my duty if you are to remain.”

“No, no, you mustn’t. Today must be exhausting for you. Entertaining a stranger for so long, it can take a lot away from you.”

“But you do it all the time, my lord.”

He gives a tired smile in response. “Just go, Xingcai. I shall retire to my chambers soon but please, as my one command, go home, Xingcai.”

“Fine, but…” The words are momentarily lost.

“But what?” He asks in the gentle, concerned manner she is familiar with.

“…did I pass the test?” Her stare to him is resolute and unwavering. The prospect of failure looms in the air but she knows she needs him to confirm the weaknesses that she has. A duty she has to uphold.

He places a hand on her shoulder, a gentle smile on his face. “Of course you did, my dear Xingcai. You did well.”

A chilling thrill bursts inside her and as she walks away, she tries her hardest to hide it but when she exits and turns the corner into the main hallway, she cannot help but let a smile force itself out. Praise never fails to bring her spirits up. She forgets the promise to ask Liu Shan to meet Qiao Gan again and the memory of Qiao Gan is quickly replaced by the warmth that is a job done well.

So ended a day with many firsts and lasts for Xingcai. Her first test, her first meeting with Qiao Gan. The last time Xingcai would ever feel so nervous about interacting with someone, the last time Xingcai will ever see Qiao Gan again in her life.

When Xingcai returns to her house it is only then that she registers her exhaustion. Pretending to be something you are not, even in such small minute details, it takes a toll not only on the mind but also on the body. She stifles a yawn. It is nighttime and the only lights now are those of the candles. On the opposite corner of the palace, near the servants’ quarters sat the Zhang family home. When she enters, she expects it to be dark and for the most part it is, but she then sees the flicker of a flame, hidden behind cloth in a small, secluded part of the house. The room designated a shrine for the fallen patriach.

She enters bleary eyed but the bleariness is gone when she catches sight of her mother writing letter after letter. In front of her is her latest and in calligraphy as smooth as silk, the lady Xiahou painstakingly writes the charactes, practiced and perfect, onto the smooth surface. Xingcai edges closer and the footstep startles her mother and she turns, in the process making a harsh line go through the scroll.

“Awwww.” Lady Xiahou moans quietly. “I have to do it again.”

Xingcai looks at the contents of the ruined scroll, and the contents of the completed scrolls to her mother’s side. Its message is simple. A formal invitation to her betrothal party.

“Mother.” She whispers. Lady Xiahou turns to her daughter once more. “…the invitations.”

“Xingcai, you made me make a me-heh-hess.” Lady Xiahou moans.

“Mother?”

“I-it was going to be beautiful. And I would get Mr. Jade to add the stamps.” She holds up her rabbit doll. “And we would deliver them together.” Lady Xiahou pouts childishly.

“Mother!” Xingcai was never fond of her mother’s childish phases.

“My daughter, you’re going to wake Mr. Jade up!” She strokes the toy rabbit’s head. “And your brother’s sleeping. Don’t you want to go to sleep?”

Xingcai doesn’t know how to respond. Her body desires sleep but her mind is in control and fixes her in place. So she ignores the question and instead quietly asks, “How…long have you been doing this, mother?”

Lady Xiahou shyly looks away and replies, “…for the past three days now.”

“So you’ve organised a time for my party, right?”

“Next month, my daughter. Sunset. On the day of the full moon.” She makes a soft sigh. “I hear the full moon is very romantic.”

Xingcai doesn’t know what to do or say in this situation. Her mother doing this behind her back, Xingcai herself taking courting lessons in the hopes that it will help her find someone. And she has such little time. Only a month. So very little time.

She looks at her mother and though there is the youthful smile spreading through her cheeks there is also the exhaustion in her face. Old and young intertwined in one face. Her mother takes a new empty scroll, disrupting the darkness, the flames flicker softly with her movements. Black ink in hand, her hands flow, like a well-practiced dance, making intricate symbols in its stark white. Xingcai just watches this dance to its finish and when her mother is done, she picks up another scroll and repeats the dance again.

For the week, she had always been assuming she was doing all the hard work but she neglected to see how much effort her mother was putting in, finding all these potential suitors, hand-writing herself the letters. Xingcai can only imagine how long her mother has been doing this. It must have been for so long.

“Mother.” Xingcai whispers when her mother finishes yet another scroll. Lady Xiahou turns. “Let me help you.”

Her mother gives no words. Just the gentle smile barely visible in the candlelight as Xingcai takes up pen and helps. They continue making up the letters throughout the night in silence, the world around turning as black and white as the ink and paper in front of them. Expressionless, but their actions spoke far more than words could do. Long after the city rests for the night, in the peak of the moonlight, the letters are done and mother and daughter collapse in each other’s arms, softly sleeping in the cosy embrace that can only be shared between a family that loves each other. The necklace belonging to the fallen Zhang Fei watches them in their sleep from its altar and in her dreams, Xingcai imagines that it’s not just her and her mother but her father also sleeping beside them.


	4. The unrequited competitor

_Wow just want to say REAL sorry about how late this is. You know life? Yeah, he kinda caught up on me unawares. So stuff is happening and thus, it's unlikely I'll have a new chapter up until December. BUT that means that WHEN December comes I should be more productive so...good news and bad news?_

_And wow it's so cool to see more reviews! KEEP THEM COMING! I CAN TAKE IT, COME ON! GIVE ME YOUR BEST!_

_As for more specific things, an FYI for you all and mini-spoiler but no, Qiao Gan is not gonna make a physical appearance again in the story as I have it in my head. He might make a flashback return but not a physical one_

_(And yes, Liu Shan and Qiao Gan resembling each other is not a coincidence you'll find out why when the day comes ;) )_

_But that means that YES, I DO have an ending for this story planned (maybe 15-20 chapters but could be more) and YES, the ending IS HAPPY! So don't worry guys, there won't be (much) heartbreak. I mean, there WILL be. A little bit. But not at the end where it matters. Like...in the more insignificant areas. You know, for character development? Ah, that old rascal, character development._

_Anyhoo, I don't own KOEI, DW or any of these semi-historically based people. Because owning other people is technically illegal. At least, it is where I am._

Chapter 4: The unrequited competitor

It was afternoon, just after lunch, when Liu Shan best likes to nap. Or more precisely, it is one of the few times he is able to nap—the one hour gap he gets between lunch and his next lesson is the only free time he gets today. He enjoys these moments, especially if the day ahead is busy. But for today, he has little. For just one short moment, he just wants to be lazy.

He closes his eyes and he starts to drift off. The melody of the birds starts to fade, the world before him is dark, and everything material fades into nothingness.

“LORD LIU SHAAN!!”

The emperor is rudely awakened. But he calms himself from his panic and relaxes and tries, once again, to sleep.

“My lord! Where are you?”

_Huh? That’s not Xingcai’s voice_.

“Ah! There you are, my lord.” He pretends to be asleep. “My lord?” He gives a slight snore for effect. He gets a groan in response and suddenly he is lifted from the ground. His eyes are now VERY much wide open.

“G-GUAN PING?!” Liu Shan doesn’t know what’s more surprising. That it’s Guan Ping searching for him or that Guan Ping lifted him into his arms like a newly-wed bride. Nevertheless, Liu Shan cannot help but cling to his neck in fear.

“My lord, Xingcai has given me specific instructions today and I shall not fail her.”

“P-put me DOWN!!” Guan Ping hesitates. “NOW!” Liu Shan shrieks. Guan Ping sighs and he sets the emperor down. Once feet touch land, Liu Shan breathes a loud sigh of relief, a hand on his chest to still his beating heart. “D-don’t ever do that again, please.”

“I-I am sorry, my lord.” He bows, blush tinting his face. “But I thought it would be better to carry you. You might run away.”

“W-well as long as you promise not to carry me again, I won’t run away.” Guan Ping nods hesitantly and starts walking, his eyes not escaping his lord. True to his word, Liu Shan follows obediently. Liu Shan sighs, and turns his head back to the garden, focusing on his little napping spot underneath the tree. It was perfect too, the leaves had covered his face and the wind was soft and it was such a lovely temperature too. _No napping today, it seems_ he thinks as he follows Guan Ping out of the gardens.

“Xingcai was correct, as always.” Guan Ping comments in his stride, eyes turned everywhere except the emperor’s face. “You **were** planning on napping in the garden today.”

“Not that I managed to succeed in that task.” Liu Shan moans. He would question when Xingcai figured out his new napping spot but he shakes it away. There’s no way Guan Ping would have found him so quickly for training. He doubts he’ll get any answers however from the tall general. “So I’m assuming you’re replacing Xingcai today, is that correct?” Guan Ping nods. “What is she busy with? I did not get a message from her.”

“Ah yes!” He stops, Liu Shan abruptly slowing into a halt beside him. “I almost forgot to tell you, Xingcai told me to tell you this. I’m to replace Xingcai in her duties today which means training and protecting you, my lord. She told me she’s going to be busy today handing out invitations for her betrothal party.”

“Be…trothal party?” He laughs nervously.

“My lord.”

“I-is Xingcai getting married? I did not know that. When is this party ha—”

“My lord,” Guan ping sighs. “She already told me about your _courtship_ lessons.”

“…oh.” Liu Shan is momentarily silent. “I...didn’t realize she told you.”

“Yes, she…told me a couple of days ago. When we last sparred.”

“Ah…”

Liu Shan felt rather awkward, knowing that Guan Ping knew this. It wasn’t that he was on bad terms with the man but it seemed that whenever the two chatted without Xingcai around, it gets awkward and tense between them. It’s like an unspoken rivalry, a challenger that lies in his path, but he does not know why he gets this feeling from Guan Ping. As far as he knows, Guan Ping doesn’t seem to think of him as any form of competition. He definitely does not feel like inciting a competition from the general beside him. Despite the awkwardness, Liu Shan had a lot of respect for Guan Ping. He was brave, strong. Humble. Likeable. But no matter how good of an opinion Liu Shan had for Guan Ping, only a blade could cut the tension between them big enough for friendship to blossom further. And as of yet, that blade never seemed to arrive.

The two continue walking silently when out of the blue, Guan Ping asks, “So what do…you guys…do in your lessons?” Guan Ping’s blush is still present. Liu Shan pretends not to notice.

“Nothing much if I must be honest. A fool like me, I can only do so much. I’m mostly just rewording what I was taught into something useful for Xingcai.”

“Ah. Is, um, courting a typical…lesson for nobles?”

Liu Shan would ask why he hadn’t had any himself but he reckons he knows the answer already. “Sort of. It’s not really a _nobleman_ kind of thing so much as something your parents teach you…I think.” He never really had much experience with _normal_ , he has to admit. Especially with parenting. He shudders at the thought of mother unleashing her so-called ‘discipline pet’. She’s probably the reason why he doesn’t like tigers.

“I-I see…” Guan Ping says. “I…guess that makes more sense.”

This awkward silence again. Liu Shan hated this silence, more than that time Xingcai made him undergo a so-called marathon only for him to literally collapse from exhaustion halfway through. That was not a fun day. On the barest of margins, if Liu Shan had to choose between endless awkward silence and the marathon, he’d choose the marathon.

“So where are you taking me, Guan Ping? You said you were to train me, am I not correct?”

“Well…yes, but…well the thing is, my lord, I’m just as useless as you are with a rapier.” Liu Shan holds back a sharp retort about his purported _uselessness_. “So I...I don’t know, I have to teach you something else. Um…are you…any good with **normal** swords?”

“I’m not used to most.” Liu Shan says. “They’re rather...how shall I say this, unsophisticated in my grasp.”

“Spears?”

“Almost impaled myself three times.”

“Staffs?”

“Kept tripping on them.”

“Bows?”

“No real experience. Not unless you also know the Mongolian draw.” Why couldn’t the Bow princess teach him how to use a bow the **normal** way?

Guan Ping groans and Liu Shan cannot help but feel embarrassed and ashamed. Like any other person, he never likes admitting his physical faults. He was weak and lanky and although he may be fast, it’s not much good in combat apart from running away. Even then, he’s too clumsy to run for very long in his heavy coats without tripping.

“Please tell me there’s some other weapon I can teach you.”

“Depends.” His mouth widens into a strained smile. “Y-you wouldn’t happen to be able to teach me how to wield a **bench** , could you?”

“I…n-no?”

“Then no. The only weapon I’m any good at is the rapier, I’m afraid.”

The two simultaneously sigh. This was going to be difficult.

“Then what about martial arts? The hand-to-hand combat area should be empty now.”

Liu Shan’s eyebrows raise. That could work. “Well of course I know some martial arts but…well it’s been so long. W-what if the one I was taught is not the same as what you learnt?”

“Well at least the basics are the same. Come on, we’re gonna do martial arts then.” He slaps a hand on his back and pushes him into a different hallway. He’s never been this way before for training.

“Guan Ping,” he frowns, confused. “This is not the way to the training grounds.”

“I know,” he says briskly. “But if you’re training with me, we’re doing this properly. Just follow me quickly and we’ll get some training robes.”

“Training robes?” Liu Shan gulps. All too quickly, Guan Ping’s face changed from nervousness to hard-steeled determination. He’s seen that face on Xingcai all too often. Was this a soldier thing?

“If I am training you, I’ll train you as though you are a soldier under my command.” Guan Ping pokes Liu Shan on his breast plate. “And neither I, nor the enemy, discriminate.”

Liu Shan suppresses a gulp. Something in his mind was telling him this lesson with Guan Ping wasn’t going to end well for his end.

* * *

 

Liu Shan thinks he’s been to every part the palace but clearly he was mistaken as Guan Ping leads him deep into the soldiers’ camp, through the barracks and the training grounds to a small courtyard. Or at least in its birth it must have been just another courtyard but its proximity to the training grounds and the barracks had led it to become a makeshift dojo, just as Liu Shan earlier had commandeered a courtyard to be his own private training grounds. There was a slight apprehension in his movements as he walked out of the ‘dressing room’ (really just a large closet) and monitors the makeshift training grounds. If the soldiers were to recognise him, one of the most polarizing and hated figures of the kingdom, he does not know what will happen here even with Guan Ping’s protection. Fortunately it is empty to his relief. He sees Guan Ping wave him down and he slowly walks up towards him.

“My lord! It fits you impressively.”

“Really?” Liu Shan stares cynically at Guan Ping. The training _robes_ were in fact a pair of dark green pants with a robe-like shirt of a slightly lighter colour, both of which were too big on his frame. The pants were baggy at the end (not like his pants aren’t normally anyway, he adds) and the shirt is loose at the front, threatening to display his pectorals should he dare pose in a certain way. In fact the only thing that was preventing him from unveiling himself was the belt holding both the shirt and pants in place.

“Honestly, my lord.” Guan Ping smiles genuinely. “If I may say, this kind of clothing suits you better somehow. Makes you look…”

“Normal?” He adds sarcastically.

Guan Ping shakes his head. “I was thinking more along the lines of comfortable. Royal robes don’t seem like the easiest to put on.”

“They’re not the easiest to get out of either, though that could be my own clumsiness.” He recalls the first time he tried to put the armoured chest piece on. It didn’t end well. “But might I ask, wouldn’t it be easier for me to just remove my coat? It’ll take up far less time.”

“I wouldn’t want to dirty your clothes. Better to get these kind of clothing dirty than your robes. Besides which, today I’m pretty sure the both of us are gonna get pretty dirty after this.” He stamps his foot on the sand-covered floor.

“Probably,” he murmurs, but he’s still not completely convinced. “I’m more worried that someone might steal them and try to impersonate me. I left my _mianguan_ there too.” He rubs the back of his head, feeling for the tied up knot of hair behind him.

“Your crown should be safe, as are the rest of your clothes. No one’s here so no one should go in.”

“I suppose…”

“I’m assuming that means you have no further questions. In which case, we’ll start, my lord.” Guan Ping grabs the dummy arm’s length away from him and slides it towards Liu Shan. It wobbles slightly but is otherwise stable. Liu Shan is more concerned over how a man like Guan Ping was able to move what is supposed to be a **unmoving** dummy.

“I’m going to die from this aren’t I,” Liu Shan says with a grimace on his face.

“That’s if you’re lucky.” He laughs. “Now come on. Keep up, soldier.”

And thus Guan Ping led him on a strict and structured training session, surprising considering the choice to try martial arts was a rather spur of the moment decision. Simple moves were taught, practiced and perfected before moving onto more complex moves. Everything from punches and kicks to counters and throws were done and Liu Shan could see now why Guan Ping desired the change of clothing: the young emperor was thrown onto the ground more times than his own father had purportedly done. That is, more than once.

It was surprising how Guan Ping could change so easily in the span of a second. From the shy, amiable man that Liu Shan knew him to be, it seemed that the mere thought of combat turned him into a leader. He commanded Liu Shan to follow his movements with both precision and force. The precision part, that was easy but it was the matter of strength that failed Liu Shan in his time of need. His punches were weak, his kicks clumsy and lacking in power. It was as he imagined the situation to be. He would fail miserably, just as he always does in front of Xingcai.

He sees Guan Ping trying desperately not to hide the confusion and disappointment in his face but he can see it hidden behind the thin veils, the small creases on his face. Except it’s not completely disappointment. He knows the look of disappointment, the tired sigh of Xingcai as she packs up their weapons a sight he has seen time and time again but Guan Ping does not resemble it. Rather, it seemed to be more akin to pity. Liu Shan did not know what to think of it, just that he had to keep pushing on despite the fatigue building in his legs and arms.

It was an hour when they stopped for their first and only break. Liu Shan had earlier queried as to why this lesson with Guan Ping was so much longer but he knew the answer: it had to be Xingcai’s doing. Collapsing under the shade of the sole tree in the barren courtyard, Guan Ping stands in front of him, the faint remnants of care reemerging on his expression.

“You’re tired already?” He asks, more confused than confronting.

“I-I’m rather…weak,” Liu Shan breathes in between heavy, raspy breaths. “I don’t…think I…want to throw up so bad…as I do now.”

He puts a hand to his throat, parched and dry. He should have brought a water canteen or something but he suppose he was getting used to training with Xingcai; she always filled a canteen for him. Sometimes if the training was difficult, it was an incentive for him, a reward for his hard effort and sometimes that bit of water paid off. But more often than not, he was more concerned about not collapsing from exhaustion rather than dying of thirst.

As if reading his mind, Guan Ping produces a canteen of his own from his side.

“You want some?”

Liu Shan nods wordlessly and graciously accepts it. He drinks but despite the desire to empty the canteen in one swoop he is conservative and compromises, emptying a fifth of its contents. Liu Shan hands the canteen back, simultaneously wiping his mouth from any excess moisture.

“Are you better now, my lord?”

“I’m OK.” He says breathily. “But if you don’t mind, I think I need a minute.”

“Take your time, my lord. The second half will be intense but it will only take half an hour.”

Liu Shan nods once again, using the brief amount of time to catch his breath. He was tired. Beyond tired, in fact—fatigued seemed a much better word to use. He would love to run away right now. Run away and find some place to hide and be at peace and not be bothered at all by people.

“By the way, my lord,” Liu Shan’s ears perk slightly as he looks up to the general. “How are you finding the lesson so far?”

“It’s…different. Not something that I’m used to,” he admits.

“Xingcai taught you differently, huh?”

“Yeah, it’s…I’m not saying you are a bad teacher, Guan Ping, but I suppose it’s because I’ve been having Xingcai train me for so long. Maybe because I know you two train together sometimes that I was expecting…worse.”

Guan Ping blinks once. “Worse?”

Liu Shan nods. He couldn’t help but compare the two. Xingcai and Guan Ping, they had this symbiosis that he envied, the way they could co-ordinate in battle. Sometimes he would watch and observe their occasional training together, the force of Guan Ping matched expertly with the precision and grace of Xingcai. For she is graceful, he thinks. Guan Ping’s attacks are strong but choppy but Xingcai’s flow like a beautiful dance. In a way it matched their teaching methods. Guan Ping taught him a crash course, a one-off session but impactful. Xingcai was always about proper technique, the slow development of not just skill but body and mind.

Liu Shan slowly rises himself to a stand. He’s thinking about Xingcai again, as he always does, but recently the thoughts make him feel more and more depressed. He knows why, he just doesn’t want to acknowledge them, especially not in front of Guan Ping.

“Let’s get the rest of this lesson done with, Guan Ping,” his gaze is low, avoiding eye contact. “The sooner the better, right?”

“I don’t know, I think you should rest a bit more before we go onto the final thing for today.”

“Why? What is it that we are doing?”

“Well I was hoping a little ‘sparring game’ might be a good finish. The first person to land a hit on the other wins. Have you done it before?”

Liu Shan has in fact done something similar before, except it was with his rapier against Xingcai’s shield. She never used a sword and instead relied purely on her free hand and her legs to try and land the hit. It was always humiliating whenever she won (which was **always** ) and the few victories that he got with her were only because she got distracted by something. None of his victories, he thought, were fair victories.

“Not with hand-to-hand combat,” Liu Shan murmurs. Then, louder, “Will it even work? Y-You’re not going to…hit me hard, right?”

Guan Ping laughs nervously. “Of course not. It’ll be the lightest punch you’ve ever felt.”

Considering how the Guan siblings ‘family brawls’ usually ended up, Liu Shan had no reason to believe Guan Ping and subconsciously stepped back.

“My lord?”

Liu Shan took a step further. “Forgive me for being… _cautious_ —hehe—b-but I’d rather not get hurt badly. I-is there anything else we can do?”

“My lord, if I may, what better way to learn how to fight than to be **in** a fight?” He crosses his arms. “I won’t hurt you if that’s what you are concerned about.”

Liu Shan hesitated for a second before replying, “Perhaps something else can be done, hmm? I mean,” Liu Shan’s eyes shifted left and right before centering on the training dummy. “We could maybe just work on some other techniques?”

Guan Ping let out another disappointed sigh. “Xingcai is not going to like this, my lord.”

Liu Shan knows this but the coward in him is wary. He makes no pretense of ever liking the training but with Xingcai, he knows there is no escape no matter how much he tries. Guan Ping however, he might be able to push a little. Be free and not have to face either injury or the man’s giant fists.

“She doesn’t need to know, Guan Ping,” he says, putting on the best smile he has. “We can both use the time for something more productive.”

Liu Shan expected a reply, for Guan Ping to relent but instead Guan Ping was silent for a second.

“…you know, lord Liu Shan? I don’t understand why you want to learn how to fight if you don’t want to commit.” He mutters angrily. “What would Lord Liu Bei think?”

This was **definitely** not what Liu Shan expected. In this battle of minds where Liu Shan thought he had the upper hand, so quickly did that upper hand disappear. Worse of all, it was a question he wasn’t prepared to answer. He simply stood there, avoiding the judging gaze of the general.

The general is taken aback. “L-Lord Liu Shan, I…” Guan Ping frowns sorrowfully. “That was out of line. Implying the two of you—”

“It’s OK, Guan Ping,” a small cheerless smile slowly grew. “You have every right to say that. I’m just being a fool. An idiot. We’ll do it your way.”

“My lord?” His eyes widened. “A-are you sure? Look, we can do something else. This fight is not something to do if you are not committed. You could actually get hurt if you don’t try.”

For a second he sees the genuine concern on Guan Ping’s face and Liu Shan thinks that if he said that he does not want to fight, Guan Ping will find something else for the two of them to do. He opens his mouth but nothing comes out. Liu Shan can’t bring himself to refuse. He sees in his mind’s eye a path with Xingcai at the end, watching his every move. Guan Ping is working on Xingcai’s instructions, he knows, no doubt she is _watching_ him in a way. She’ll probably be getting feedback from Guan Ping also.

No, he’s being an idiot again. Xingcai will probably say something about ‘duty’ to him, that he can be strong if only he believes but deep down he knows he isn’t. And as for father? Well, he knew all too late that the late lord Liu Bei was harsh with him for a reason. But still, he doesn’t like being the idiot. He doesn’t like disappointing people. And he has to suck it up. For a couple more minutes.

Liu Shan sucks a deep breath in and releases it, like a cloud of mist escaped his lungs. “Let’s do it, Guan Ping. I’m…” His pulse quickens. “I’m ready.”

Guan Ping seems hesitant to speak, words caught in his throat. And then, “If that is what you wish, my lord.”

They make the short distance to the grounds where they quickly get into a battle stance. With the exception of the gravel crunching under their feet, Liu Shan doesn’t hear anything. They lock eyes, black to opal, as their bodies circled one another. Pulses quickened and for a second, Liu Shan was worried that it was so loud in this stillness that Guan Ping could hear it. The thought is quickly dismissed. It’s a battle, he thinks, and he at least must fulfill his duty for Xingcai.

The atmosphere suddenly changes, time slows and Liu Shan sees Guan Ping make his move. As the punch flies slowly in the air, Liu Shan cannot help but think that he saw Guan Yu’s shadow, mimicking Guan Ping’s movements.

* * *

 

“Look, I’m sorry, my lord.” Guan Ping bows. “I didn’t mean it.”

“I know you don’t mean it, Guan Ping, don’t worry. It’s just a small wound.”

Guan Ping frowns. “My lord, half of your shoulder is purple.”

Liu Shan pulls the too-loose shirt closer to his body. “It’ll go away tomorrow, I’m sure of it.”

“A-again, I’m so sorry. It must hurt so much.”

Liu Shan uses his free hand to rub against his wounded shoulder and he winces. It hurts a little, he thinks, but he thinks the swelling has gone down. “We got caught up in the moment, Guan Ping. It’s neither of our faults.”

The two of them are walking down the hallway towards Liu Shan’s chambers. Despite protest, Liu Shan insisted on changing there even if it meant that he had to walk in ‘peasant clothing’. In his arms are his royal robes, Guan Ping carrying the heavier ornamentals in one arm. He insisted on carrying something at least. Probably so he doesn’t feel useless, Liu Shan thinks, but if the situation was reversed, he’d probably offer the same.

The fight ended rather abruptly for the both of them. For so many minutes, the two were able to block or divert each other’s moves, Guan Ping being on the offensive most of the time. Liu Shan was just surprised then as he is now that he was fast enough to counter Guan Ping’s moves but perhaps in the heat of the moment it got to him and Guan Ping, seeing this opportunity, gave a palm strike to the chest near his heart.

It wasn’t the strike that caused the bruising but Liu Shan’s subsequent falling onto his exposed shoulder onto hard, hard gravel. And after lying there, wondering whether or not he should pretend to feint unconsciousness, he decides against it and stand. The victor was Guan Ping and the two bowed, signaling the formal end of the fight.

In the present, Liu Shan looks around the hallways and is both surprised and relieved there is no one around to see him in his present state. He doesn’t want to have to explain why he’s injured or why he’s wearing clothing beneath his rank.

“Lord Liu Shan?”

“Yes?” Did he miss something in the conversation?

“I never got to ask but—well I only just remembered, you see, and I can forget sometimes,” he gives a nervous chuckle. “B-but! W-where did you learn how to fight like that?”

Liu Shan laughs, bringing the clothing bundle closer to his body. “My mother taught me. You could say she was my first trainer.”

“Lady Sun Shangxiang? Not Lord Liu Bei?”

“Trust me, father insisted but my mother wanted me to learn ‘proper’ techniques. And she wasn’t a bad teacher either. I was just always clumsy so I could never learn them properly.”

“Did she tell you what martial art she taught you?”

“I don’t know,” he admits. “Although she did say she learnt it from the bodyguard of a Mongolian diplomat.”

Guan Ping’s eyes are wide. “Really?! I-is it true?!”

“If you know her reputation, I’m sure you know that it’s plausible.” Liu Shan laughs again. “What about you? Did Uncle Guan teach you?”

Guan Ping nods. “My father taught me so much,” he says with a whimsical smile. “Told me all that I need to know to become the best man I could. To be strong and brave and never back down.” He adds a sad sigh. “I just wish I was as strong as him. I don’t think I could ever reach his heights.”

“I’m sure all sons have that problem, Guan Ping. I’m weak too. So very very incapable of combat.” He stares ahead.

He wish he could say it was in his mind, these doubts about himself, but he knew very well that many people thought the same about him. How he is weaker, stupider than Liu Bei. Inferior in every way to the late lord. He does not want to dwell on it, which is why he is relieved when Guan Ping does not reply. A silent signal that neither wants to reminisce about the horrid past.

“…you know, my lord? I think I know what you lack. What you should improve on. For training.”

He turns his head to the man. This was interesting. “What is it?”

“Well it’s…I mean, it’s only a guess because we only had this one lesson…” his voice trails off and then he shakes his head. “Let me ask you a question first: what do you fight for? In battle, what’s the first thing that pop into your mind?”

“Hmm, I never really thought about that. I guess…surviving?” He’s never really been in a proper fight—outside of ten minutes ago that is. How long have they been walking for anyway?

“I thought so.” He mumbles. Liu Shan stares, confused. “My father used to teach me this. He said he saw a lot of soldiers, capable soldiers, not rise in rank or die early in the middle of their first battle. And you know why? Father said that it’s not just the techniques that a man knows but what their goal is when they fight. Decent soldiers think about surviving, he said, but strong soldiers think about winning.”

He never heard of this before. “Winning?”

“Yeah. Surviving a battle does not mean winning. Winning a battle does not mean surviving. But if you want to make an impact on the battle,” he puts a fist to his heart. “You have to believe you can win. For your loved ones, for fame, glory. You need something to motivate you so that you believe you **must** win. That you **can** win.”

“And what motivates you?”

“Bettering myself.” He turns to face ahead of himself. “Becoming stronger. So that I can live up to the name of the Guan clan.” He smiles before adding in a mumble, “I don’t think I live up to it yet.”

“I’m sure you do, Guan Ping,” he stares ahead. “It’s me who doesn’t live up to his name.” A sad smile appears on his face. “Heh, this makes me ever so curious as to what Xingcai thinks. I can’t help but imagine her thinking about ‘duty’.” She loved saying that word, she thought.

“Mmm,” Guan Ping murmurs in half-hearted agreement. Liu Shan turns, sees the frown on the man’s face appear for a second, and just as quickly turns his head forward. He thinks he must’ve touched a soft spot. That, or he’s gotten bored with the conversation.

As they walk, a pair of servants walk by and Liu Shan tenses instantaneously. He suppose he should have expected it but he didn’t want people to see him like this. The emperor in normal clothing?, they’d think, how presposterous. Two pairs of eyes turn to him and he gives a faint nod of acknowledgement but they carry on their way. Liu Shan breathes a sigh. To his relief, they seemed more concerned about the clothing he was holding in his arms rather than he himself. It’s probably a silly thing to think, that they’d recognise him. It’s not like his face is plastered in every room in the castle and it’s certainly unlikely that every single servant knows what he looks like. Perhaps it’s because of how he’s dressed. In a weird way, it’s more comforting to be mistaken for a servant rather than being seen as an emperor in peasant clothing.

“You know, about Xingcai, my lord. Her marriage. What do you feel about it?”

He blinks twice, the question taking time to process in his mind. “I…honestly don’t know at this moment. It’s a surprise but, well, she is Xingcai. And she’s strong in both body and mind. If anyone can decide on a whim to find a suitor in a month’s time, it’s her.” A small smile spreads on his face.

“So that means you’re going, right? As a suitor?”

Liu Shan stops and turns his head sharply to Guan Ping. “What are you talking about?”

Guan Ping immediately gets flustered. “Y-you didn’t get an invitation?”

His eyes are wide. “N-no!” He turns his head away in embarrassment. “W-what is this about invitations? Isn’t both she and her mother delivering them as we speak right now? A-aren’t the invitations for suitors **only**?”

“Well yes, but I got mine in the morning. She told me herself that she delivered the ones to her closer friends first.” Guan Ping pouted slightly, avoiding eye contact. “…I was under the impression you’d be the first to get such an invitation.”

Liu Shan frowns slightly. “Well you would be incorrect here. I didn’t get anything this morning. Not from Xingcai nor her mother.” He adds, with a sigh, “You don’t need to be jealous of me. I’m not planning on courting Xingcai in the near or distant future. If you wish to pursue Xingcai, you have my blessing.”

“I…w-what—n-no I—” Guan Ping continues to stammer. Liu Shan finds it humourous how many expressions Guan Ping was going through—surprise, shame, bashful, horrified—all in a second’s time, as though his mind couldn’t figure out which face would best describe his emotions. Finally, he slaps himself lightly on the face. It stops the stammering but it doesn’t hide the wavering emotions in his throat. “…it’s not… **that** obvious…is it?”

The only response Liu Shan gives is a laugh as he continues walking, forcing the general to restart his legs, scampering to reach the side of his lord once more.

They say no more until they reach the entrance of his chambers. Two bodyguards flank the entrance, eyes ever vigilant, and when they see the emperor, a look of confusion permeates their expressions but regardless, they gives a silent nod as they allow the pair to enter. Liu Shan gives a small nod of his own as he enters his chambers. To both their surprise, in the middle of the entrance stands Xingcai. She hears their footsteps and she turns to see them and she gives a small bow in greetings.

“Xingcai!” Liu Shan bows quickly, Guan Ping following suit behind him. Almost immediately after bowing, however, Liu Shan tries to tug (unsuccessfully) the shirt back into its rightful place. He doesn’t want her to see the bruise on his shoulder. “I-I-I was not expecting you to be here today.”

“N-Neither did I, Xingcai.” Guan Ping adds.

“I finished my round earlier than I expected. Giving the invitations out was easier than I expected it to be.” She turns to Guan Ping. “You did tell my lord why I was absent today, right?”

“O-of course! I told him everything!”

She raises an eyebrow up. “Everything?”

Guan Ping gulps.

Liu Shan cuts into the conversation and says, “So wait, Xingcai. Does this mean you wish to continue the remainder of your duties for today?” She nods. “You don’t need to do that. You only have a few hours left of the day before your shift is over.”

“This is the least I can do for abandoning my duties without giving you ample warning, my lord. Besides which,” Her eyes gaze downwards. “I’d rather like to hear why you are wearing such clothing.”

Liu Shan gives a chuckle. “In due time, Xingcai. But regardless, I must change. Wait for me here, if you don't’ mind.” He begins to walk off but stops, and turns to Guan Ping. “You don’t mind Xingcai replacing you for today, right? I don’t want to inconvenience you, Guan Ping.”

Guan Ping shakes his head profusely. “No no, my lord. She’s your bodyguard. I’ll take my leave soon, do not worry.”

Liu Shan smiles, and turns on his foot, passing through the entrance and into the main foyer. He ignores the temptation to slam the screen shut, instead closing it softly. He turns his head to his bedroom, where his clothes are kept and thinks about changing but instead he goes to his desk.

On the desk is a letter, stark white on bold black ink. It is intricate writing but he only needs to look at the first character to know what it is. Any smile he has on his face disappears.

He holds the paper up into the slits of light that the windows allow but he does not read it. He just looks at it as a whole being, not focusing on the individual characters. He knows that if he reads it, it’s going to ruin his mood. His eyes turn to the fireplace beside him, and the gears in his mind click. This will do, he thinks to himself. This will do.

He scrunches it up, grips it tightly. And, just before one of his maids sees him in the room, he lights the fireplace and throws the scroll into the flames. It burns quickly, leaving an ashy, wooden smell in the air. It fills him up with something he knows has been empty for a while now and he knows the effect is temporary. But for now, he is at peace. A pitiful, almost callous smile forms as the flames dance in front of him.

“My lord?” The maid calls from the foyer.

“Could you put out this fire for me?” He asks, knowing very well that it will be done.

It’s a quick change into his clothing, one part due to the help of his servants and another part being that he forgot to pick up the accessories from Guan Ping and decided to get simpler, much easier to put on ones instead. When he reemerges at the entrance, Xingcai is alone. She gives a courteous smile as he enters.

“You took your time,” she says.

“Well I would have taken longer. With how Guan Ping’s training went, I think I should have to visit the baths some time soon.”

She chuckles politely. “I am to assume it went well, Lord Liu Shan? I should hope you learnt something from today.”

He thinks back to what Guan Ping says, about purpose. The will to fight. Liu Shan knows he doesn’t have it, not yet, but he cannot help but wonder what will drive him to fight? He knows he needs it, somewhere deep down inside him, and not just for combat. Perhaps it’s an allegory for his rule. Up until now, Zhuge Liang is the one who is handing the war side of the kingdom and it won’t be soon until Liu Shan will have to take over. Will he have it in him? To incite people to fight for him? His cause? All he knows for sure is that he won’t be able to as his current self.

He doesn’t realize that his gaze has drifted to the floor but almost immediately, he springs it to Xingcai. He wonders what she fights for, what makes her stick to her duty so readily and easily. It’s not as clear cut as saying that “she must”. It’s an enigmatic thought, he has. But as always, whenever his thoughts go to Xingcai, he can’t help but smile. Her presence does that to him.

“…I think I did, Xingcai.” She gives a soft smile. On a whim, he adds, “but if I must be honest, I think I prefer you as my trainer over Guan Ping.”

“Why?” She scoffs. “Is it because I’m easier?”

“Not at all.” _DEFINITELY harder,_ he thinks. “I said this to Guan Ping but…I think I’ve gotten used to having you around, Xingcai.”

And there it appears, like the first twinkle of the stars, the beautiful smile that is Xingcai. It’s rare, fleeting, but when he finds it, this sparkling gem from amongst the course sand, he can’t help but appreaciate its beauty. A spark courses through his body, the smallest shiver runs down his spine. It’s too beautiful. So beautiful that he hates it. He hates it with a passion.

“Let’s go, Xingcai.” He says, leading her out into the castle hallways.

He hates her beautiful, beautiful smile. Because every single time it reminds him that he loves her. And there is no way she will love him back.

He turns his head back briefly to the fireplace but at Xingcai’s call of concern, he whips his head away. Far away from his vision, the last remnants of the scroll lie on the fireplace, black as coal, and the inky letters, _Lady Zhang Xingcai cordially invites you to become a potential suitor for her betrothal_ are gone. The black stains of the ink match too closely the charcoal colour of the wood and the darkness that is Liu Shan’s heart.


	5. His gaze

_OK so good news! Holidays are here which means chapters should be quicker and, hopefully, a bit longer too. Plot's thickening which means the chapter's kinda have to thicken themselves too.  
_

_And thanks for the reviews! I know there's a couple of mistakes here and there in my previous chapters that I've been notified of. Sadly, I'm not the world's most patient or brilliant proofreader but hopefully this chapter should be better. It's got all the stuff that people want in romance novels. Murder, violence...no...wait...people don't normally want that._

_Screw it, it's my story and it's war time. Violent stuff happens folks._

_Oh. And as for weapons, just to let you know that as much as I love that beautiful bench as a weapon, it's kinda more realistic for Liu Shan to wield a sword. So technically in this verse, he can fight with both. It's just that, obviously, he'd prefer a weapon made for combat rather than furniture. (Even though I love that bench so much you don't know how beautiful it is to me)_

_So yeah, with all that said, enjoy the chapter. I don't own Dynasty Warriors or the people mentioned. Because slavery is bad and I'm too poor to own a video game company. Or 1800 year old emperors. (Even though I want to SO BAD! LIU SHAN YOU BEAUTIFUL BENCHPRESS YOU!)_

Chapter 5: His gaze

It was late into the night just minutes, maybe even seconds, after she rested her weary body on the bed that she heard the knock at the door. Her eyes sprung open with a murderous rage. She clutched her sleeping robes, her fists tight with annoyance and sleepiness, and goes to the front of the house where stands her family, also in sleeping gear, looking at the intruder. The man in front of the house, a messenger, had come in to give a message, asking for Xingcai's presence for an emergency meeting at the common meeting area ( _the usual place_ she thinks) and that Xingcai's presence was requested. He leaves, and shortly after, the brother Zhang and mother Xiahou turn to Xingcai.

"Boy, you REALLY lucked out here, sis."

"Don't stay up too late. You know what little sleep does to you body."

Xingcai only gave a tired grumble, went back into her bedroom and changes clothes. With a proper outfit on for her bodyguard duties and weapon in sheath, she left, giving a half-hearted goodbye as she strides through the door.

"Ah-ah-ah!" She heard her mother say and she stops in her tracks. "Say good night to Mr. Jade first."

She groaned but regardless she gave an awkward goodnight to the rabbit doll (and kissed it too at her mother's insistence) and left.

"A tired Xingcai is a scary Xingcai, alright." She heard her brother say but she ignores it, her footsteps loud stomps as if to let the whole world know she doesn't like her sleep disturbed.

Although she was by all accounts a noble, the Zhang family always resided near farmlands and gardens and thus, is furthest away from the castle. She thought she might be late but to her relief, she did not seem to be late upon arrival. A few men she recognised to be ministers and what she assumes to be their bodyguards are present but they are far fewer in number than the other meetings she's been to. Probably the other ministers are either busy, asleep, or their presence was not required. She spied the familiar faces of Jiang Wei and Guan Ping chatting at one corner of the room and she walks up to them.

"Guan Ping. Jiang Wei." She bowed to both of them, who bow back in return. She turned to Guan Ping. "Am I to assume my lord will be here? I wasn't told if I was to accompany him."

"From my knowledge, he is supposed to be here but I am sure he won't mind you accompanying him. Besides which, he has other bodyguards, does he not?"

Xingcai frowned. "Perhaps, but I **am** his vassal and I am in charge with his safety." She turned to the slightly ajar door. No sign of movement. "That must be why my presence is required, my lord's safety is in jeopardy. Isn't that right, Jiang Wei?"

"I wouldn't have a clue, I am sorry, Lady Xingcai." Jiang Wei turned to Guan Ping, "You wouldn't happen to know why this was called, right?"

Guan Ping nods. "I know what it is but you guys will find out later." He turns to the open doorway. "Where IS lord Liu Shan anyway?"

"Probably late as always," she muttered. A yawn grows in her throat and she tried to stop it but she fails, instead politely stifling her rude mannerism by covering her mouth.

"Tired, Xingcai?" Guan Ping asks softly.

She nods.

"It's been a long day, I guess." He responds. "Let's just hope it doesn't get longer."

"I agree." A voice replies.

The three turned suddenly, all momentarily surprised by the sudden appearance of Lord Liu Shan.

"My lord Liu Shan!" Jiang Wei exclaimed. "You are here! Where…" He looked around. "…where are your bodyguards?"

Liu Shan yawns loudly, wiping the tears forming in his eyes. "I did not bother. I came here myself."

For the next few minutes after, Jiang Wei went on a big rant, telling him all the reasons why he should not wander through the palace by himself for even one second. Xingcai and Guan Ping watched in the sidelines, chuckling ever so often at the not-at-all amused emperor so obviously ignore Jiang Wei to the strategist's annoyance. Guan Ping whispered that he can't help but feel sorry for Liu Shan at times like this and Xingcai agrees, chuckling quietly as he watches her lord's face fall into a strained and tired half-smile.

Xingcai smiled faintly, not just because of the humourous expressions that her emperor could make but the difference in his look tonight. Instead of looking clean and proper and, dare she say, elegant, he looked like a mess right now. The robes she had saw him wore not even a couple of hours ago, then crisp and clean, were crinkled and seemed ill-fit on his body. The mianguan crown he always wore is on but it is ever-so-slightly lopsided. Most of all, tiredness reeked all over him in body and spirit. The way he stood was lower than normal and his eyes more droopy than before. He did not smile like he always did; instead he was wearing a more neutral expression and she supposed that he was like her, rudely awakened from his slumber. In a weird way, how he looked now, unkempt and tired and grumpy from his disturbed sleep, he looked more relaxed and carefree than before. But perhaps, she thought, it's her sleep deprivation that makes her think this is the case.

Shortly after the emperor's arrival came a small influx of people and it was when these people arrived that all the exits were closed and guarded and the meeting underwent. As people gathered around the table, she waits and watches, trying to guess who will go to the front to direct the meeting. She was surprised to find that it was neither Lord Liu Shan nor Jiang Wei nor a minister or noble. Instead, it was a general.

The man gazed nervously into the crowd and clears his throat. Everyone fell silent. "Ahem. OK. Now I know you guys don't want to be here. I know it's late for a lot of you BUT! I will try and make this meeting go quickly so could we please keep the discussion for after? Thank you."

He shook his head to one side. Nobody moved. Angrily, he turned, looked a soldier dead in the eye and gestures for the man to come on stage. As all eyes turn to the unknown soldier, he timidly made his way to the front. Nobody claps or makes a sound. They are all playing a guessing game, trying to figure out what the man might or might not say.

"U-um…er…"

"Just tell them about what you heard." The general stage whispered, loud enough for everyone to hear.

"O-oh, right! So, um…yeah, everybody's here because of me. Guess you guys can't get enough of me, haha." He chuckles nervously.

"Get to the point!" He stage whispered once more.

"Y-yeah, so…moments ago this evening, I was on patrol when I overheard this conversation with a man. A-a noble I think. Talking to these two other guys. And they…well…" he turns to Liu Shan. "…I heard them making plans about…k-kidnapping the emperor and holding him for ransom."

The room was silent for a second. Then, in a flurry, a multitude of questions were being asked from every corner of the room (most of them, to Xingcai's amusement, being from the frantic, wide eyed Jiang Wei). It took a few more seconds for the general to yell at people to shut up before the soldier spoke up again.

"L-look, I do not know who the man is and I didn't get a good enough glimpse to see any real distinct features but I know he must be young. He sounded young, looked young from the back." Xingcai looks around and notes that with the exception of the soldier, the emperor, Guan Ping and Jiang Wei, everyone else was rather old. She supposed that was on purpose. "So…basically, what I am trying to say is that from what I heard, whatever plan they had was going to spring soon so I think this is a valid and serious threat to the palace. Security's going to be bumped up and a couple of changes are going to happen."

"Yes yes, THANK you," the general said, pushing the soldier away and regaining control of the meeting much to the soldier's surprise. "So you heard the man. Security will be beefed up and that means I need all of you to remain vigilant. The threat may be specifically to the emperor but that does not mean he is the only one in danger. All of you could be in the crossfire or, worse, a purposely calculated target in this attack. Which is why I am asking that all the nobles present be guarded by no less than two bodyguards at all times until this threat is assessed. Now these assassins are probably highly trained and are quite likely going to be suspicious with the extra security around the palace so under NO circumstances do you discuss this outside this room. While we have stealth on our side, we cannot let the enemy know we know of their plans. Now. Any questions?"

"What about the bodyguards who aren't here?" One man asked.

"Most of the palace guards have already been notified. Anyone who does not know now will know by tomorrow morning. A second meeting will be there to discuss ways on flushing the culprit out." The man nodded, satisfied with the answer. "Now is that all?"

No one responded.

"Good." He gave a salute. "Dismissed."

It did not take long for the people to quickly disperse. From the crowd, Guan Ping, Jiang Wei, Xingcai and Liu Shan quickly formed a group and began walking.

"Well I must admit," Liu Shan said. "I wasn't expecting it to be so quick."

Xingcai turned, eyebrows furrowed. "Shouldn't you be more concerned about your own safety, my lord? They just said your life is in danger." Xingcai said.

"What makes this so different from the other times? This isn't the first time I've had threats being made on my person and I'm sure it won't be the last."

"And I will not allow it to become the last time, my lord. From tomorrow morning onwards, I am going to make extra measures so that you have a bodyguard with you at ALL times."

For some reason, she already felt frustrated with him and it's certainly not because of the new duties that she would have to do tomorrow morning. Rather, Liu Shan himself seems to be agitating her somehow. He was too calm, too at peace. Perhaps she was tired and that was affecting her mood. But at that moment, it did not register in her head.

"Are you still going to go on patrol then?" Guan Ping asked.

"I'll have to take the morning shift but yes, I will."

"If that's the case, I can tag along, Xingcai." Liu Shan piped in. "It's the least I can do."

"No. Absolutely not."

"Oh, why not?" He smiled that sneaky smile she found annoying. "I can tag along and you can do your patrol. It's just a walk, isn't it?"

She glares at him, her fatique dampening her mood second by second. "No! You are just going to goof off and prevent me from doing my job."

"Oh, come on, Xingcai, this is silly," He said, his voice tinted with hurt despite the smile on his face. "I can handle myself. I can protect you."

His voice annoyed her right now. It sounded too sickeningly sweet to her ears and it boils her blood. She whips her head to him and growls, "You have not given me ANY indication that you are capable of **fighting** , my lord."

"But—"

"NONE. AT. ALL!" She snarled as she turned on her heel and stormed off, leaving behind the three men in her wake.

Her walk was heavy and fast. She paid no attention to the passersby who stared at her and at the undeniable rage she feels at that moment. Anger and annoyance seeps through her body but she did not know why it's erupted. Lack of sleep, that is but one thing but it is more like something triggered her.

When she finally calmed enough, the anger subsided, guilt taking its place and a frown appeared on her face. He deserved to be told off, but not in such a harsh way. She knew that she would have to give an apology to Liu Shan the next time she sees him tomorrow. She hoped that he truly does have the mercy to forgive her.

"Xingcai?" She stopped and turned to the voice's source, jogging right behind her. She turned and sees it is Guan Ping, his face doing little to hide his confusion.

"I know, I know." She looked down, knowing all too well what he was going to say. "I went too far. It's just…I do not know. Perhaps I'm just a bit tense today. Or maybe I am tired."

"My lord can get on your nerves sometimes, Xingcai, I know that but…even so that was quite a _volatile_ reaction. If you know what I mean."

She nods and turns her head back. Without so much as a cue, she walks and Guan Ping almost instantaneously follows suit. As much as she'd rather be alone for now, it's probably better to get this off her chest now. "Like I said, I do not know why. It's just…sometimes I feel like Liu Shan just gets a kick out of pushing my buttons. But this time I…" She sighed, not knowing how to finish the sentence.

"He doesn't mean harm, you know. In fact, I think you scared him. He had this weird look on his face."

"Weird look?"

"Yeah. Gloomy looking, but serious too. It was actually quite a dark expression, actually. He was mumbling stuff about not wanting to be weak. About proving it to you." He puts a hand to the back of his head. "At least…that's what I heard when I…eavesdropped him."

She chuckles, but it's more for formality's sake than humour. "I hope he doesn't do anything stupid to prove that point." She stares whimsically ahead, "I know he's strong," she whispers so lightly it was unheard to all but her.

She glanced at Guan Ping and sees a most peculiar expression on him. A rather soft expression, eyes half lidded, concern in his heart, a sad smile on his lips. She could not help but giggle a little. "You're giving a weird look too, Guan Ping."

"A-am I?" He sheepishly looked away. "S-sorry. I must look like a creep right now. I know it's not nice to stare…"

"It's fine. I guess tonight is doing strange things to people. Making them express emotions that are otherwise dormant."

He chuckles, "Isn't that the definition of lunacy?"

"I wouldn't know." She turned to the moon and the stars casting trails of moonlight, cutting the darkness of the corridor. "Perhaps the moon really is to blame."

The two parted ways shortly and from there it was a short walk to her humble home. She exited the palace and walked the small gravel path to her home and her eyes are staring at the sky above her. A feeling akin to homesickness awakens in her as she walked, fueled further by her guilt. Perhaps tonight, she thought, she could sleep under the stars. But as she approached her house and her hand hovers over the handle, she is frozen. She takes one final glimpse at the stars and the moon above her before retreating into the darkness of her bedroom. She did not sleep. Instead, she planned what she has to organize. Who she had to talk to, what needs to be done by her, and by the end of the night she was writing down a to-do list with everything she needed to do to ensure that her lord's safety will never be in danger. The shivering thought of failing to protect him and failing her duty was more than enough to give her the strength to go on through the night.

When it was finally dawn, the motions were like clockwork. She attended a meeting with the palace guards that was on par with the previous night's meeting on its brevity, instructing them of their new responsibilities and shifts. The consensus was uneasy but otherwise obedient, which satisfied Xingcai, but alas it did not give her more details than she was told. Then it was to go on the morning patrol with Guan Ping and his squadron. While the patrol itself was rather standard and monotonous, it was the conversation she had with him that provided further enlightenment.

"Are you not part of the cavalry?" She asked as they past by the main palace gates. "What was your reason for being present yesterday?"

"Because it was my squad that was first notified of this threat to the lord." He says in a stately manner. It never failed to amaze her how Guan Ping could become so confident and serious in matters of duty. It is probably the presence of his men, she thought, that was instilling this, this instinct to become a leader.

"I did not get much information about this attack aside from yesterday's meeting and the scrolls that were sent out this morning and neither were very informative. But if you know what the threat is, perhaps you can give me some clarity?"

He shook his head lightly. "I cannot give you much else because we really do not know much. Chen Yue here told me that he heard the plot in the Eastern block of the palace."

One of the soldiers, the one she recognised as being the speaker last night, waved at her meekly but she ignores them as the group head for the Northern area. "But that's where the nobles live. Are we certain, then, that the noble in question is the master of this operation?"

"That's what I think. But I didn't want to mention it last night because I was worried that if by chance the culprit was in the room, he does not know how much we know. But with today's extra security, he's gonna be tipped off if he's smart. I'm sure this will incite him to speed up his plans."

"Then he will slip up. And I will be there to make sure he will be dealt with accordingly."

"Good luck then, Xingcai." He turned to the soldiers. "And good on you, men, for putting yourself in such a risky situation as this. I hope I can count on extra effort from you all in apprehending this threat to the kingdom."

A couple of mumbles of half-hearted thanks was heard.

Guan Ping sighed and adds, "I'll buy a cask of wine for you all if any one of you is able to identify and apprehend the bastard."

The whole group went into uproarious approval and Xingcai could not help but laugh. Guan Ping really is a good leader, she thought, even if he had to rely on bribery.

For a brief period of time, Xingcai was calm and pleased but the guilt she felt came back in droves as she approached the next stop she had to make. She passed by the main entrance, giving a brief nod to the guards but she found herself stopping right before the foyer to the emperor's chambers. Yesterday's outburst played over and over in her mind and she knew she was being silly for being so worried over such a detail and with a deep breath and head low, enters the room.

She found Liu Shan sitting in his study for once, reading a scroll from the countless others strewn messily over the wooden desk. She took two steps and although he did not hear the first, the second was audible and he turned from his seat to see her. Once opal eyes turned to her it was firstly out of shock, transforming into the gentle smile she knew but soon after, noting the grim expression she wore, he then wore a rather sad looking smile.

She should have expected that kind of expression. Still, it didn't make what she wanted to say any easier. "My lord. Before we go, I want to say something."

"Your apology is accepted." He calmly said.

"B-but I did not even say anything yet, my lord!"

Liu Shan gave a hearty chuckle, placing an arm casually on the chair as he turned to face towards Xingcai. "You had every right, Xingcai. And you were right too. It's not like heroics are for me anyway."

She noted the mournful tone, a subtle wave in the sea of calm that was his voice and she frowned. "I'm sure you will have your chance, my lord. But I cannot accept your 'acceptance'."

"Why not?" He asks but he seemed hardly fazed.

"I owe you, my lord. And I do not like this feeling of having to owe you something, my lord. I stepped out of line when I said those things. Surely I must do something to earn your respect, do I not?"

"I suppose…" he mused. His gaze turns upwards, a finger on his chin as he thinks. When his gaze returns to her, a mischievous smile is on his face. She did not like that look on him. She can only hope it's not embarrassing. "Weeeeeelllllll…I do suppose there is something you can do for me."

His stare seemed powerful, like he was staring right through her. "What do you want?"

The corners of his lips perk up slightly. "I was thinking that, well, it's been a week since I've last organised your 'test'. And it just so happens that I am going to be in the presence of a man I consider to be of high standing. Perhaps I might let the two of you chat, see where the evening takes you. What do you say to that?"

And to that, she could only give a small smile and a polite chuckle. "Of course, my lord. If this is how I shall repay you I will do so."

And so in the late afternoon, the sun beginning its orange descent to the horizon, Xingcai arrived in the ballroom wearing a rather feminine red dress. The sword and shield by her side was gone and her hair was done up a bit tighter and neater but she remained largely the same. And in fact, it was the familiarity that comforted her in this second 'blind date'. A setting identical in appearance to before, similar conversations and similar people chatting about their idle lives as she remembered from last week. In front of her was a man whom she would call equally attractive to Qiao Gan, wearing a rather attractive dark red robe. Last but not least there was the soothing presence of her lord overseeing her. It calmed her, made her feel at ease despite the call to her duty to protect her lord making its siren song, playing with her heart strings. These small differences, the lack of nervousness and the calm prophetic knowledge of what she knows will happen, small they may be to her but nevertheless it proves to be comforting to her and to her _ordeal_.

"Bu Zhuo, this is lady Zhang Xingcai. I hope you don't mind accompanying her while I run a few _errands_." Liu Shan said with a very subtle wink. The wink was unnecessary in telling her that her lord had no plans to do any errand whatsoever.

"Of course, my lord." Bu Zhuo said in a deep, robust voice. "Would you join me, my lady?" He extended an arm for her, to which she received and was led to a more private corner of the room. She glances back for a second, just long enough to register the small nod her lord Liu Shan gives her, a silent recognition of trust. By his right side, Guan Ping stood, giving a rather nervous looking smile and an awkward thumbs up and by Liu Shan's left side, a second bodyguard looking quizzically at the other two as to the meaning for their unusual actions. With a polite smile, she gave a small wave before she leaves the world that she knew of war and duty, and entered the strange uncharted territory known as romance.

"So," she asked in her best attempt at sounding 'girly', "tell me about yourself."

"With pleasure." He tenderly grabbed a hold of her hand, kissing it softly.

But it was from here on out that the similarities ended for Bu Zhuo was the complete opposite of Qiao Gan in personality. He may have been handsome but he was vain, boastful and worst of all, a contemptuous hypocrite. Perhaps she truly had charmed him, she thought, or maybe he is always this open but he was easy to tell her of his extreme distaste for other nobles and the clear jealousy he holds for them whilst painting the exact same scenarios in a different light when he is the one to do so. At the start, she had tried to stick with her plan to flirt with the man but it quickly degraded to a battle of wits to just stay interested but all the warning signs in her body felt repulsed by his words.

So when he finally excused himself away from the conversation, she was quick to be by the side of the first person she could recognise. And in that instant, it just so happened to be Guan Ping.

"Never thought I wanted to be away from someone as badly as I did just now." She commented as she approached him. "That Bu Zhuo is a louse of a man."

Guan Ping said nothing, a grim expression on his face.

"…what is it?"

He seems to flinch at the words slightly, as though it brings him some form of physical pain. "…I asked him to follow my lord. To wherever he was going, that is. He left my sight for a minute. I shouldn't have jinxed it with that prediction."

"Guan Ping, what is going on?" She asked warily. She could feel her heart racing, and not in a good way.

"…Lord Liu Shan got…" He took a breath. Subconsciously, she did too at the same time. "…kidnapped."

She was silent, unmoving for a second. And then like a hurricane, like a thunderstorm, her expressions were like thunder, vicious and undiscriminating. Her fists curled, nails threatening to break skin as she gave an angry stomp.

"YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PROTECT HIM! THE BOTH OF YOU!" From the corner of her eye, the other bodyguard, clearly injured entered the room but just as quickly as their gaze connects, he slowly backs towards the entrance, fearful of the wrathful daughter of Zhang.

"I-I DID! Lord Liu Shan wanted to go all of a sudden and next thing I know, we got ambushed. I couldn't even react before they fled, they were too fast!"

She let out a guttural growl, whipping her head between the two guilty men. She should have known. She should have known she couldn't trust the security of her lord to others. She shouldn't have accepted this stupid request, even if she felt she owed him.

But then she took a deep breath and slowly released it. It did nothing to quell her rage but it did make her sound a bit more calm. Thatt was all she wanted. "I want you," her voice low as she turned to the second bodyguard, "to call the palace guards. THIS! INSTANT!" He yelps and runs away.

Guan Ping turned his head slowly from the bodyguard to Xingcai. "T-That was a bit ha—"

"AND YOU! You. Are coming with ME!"

"F-f-fine. B-but…where to?"

She gave a cold scowl. "Call it women's intuition but I have a feeling I know who kidnapped my lord."

And as her stomps thundered all throughout the palace, there was no mistaking the rage in the otherwise calm and collected Xingcai.

* * *

When he awoke, the first thing he was aware of was the pounding headache he had. And then it was his limbs, restricted and almost certainly drained of blood. At first, he thought he was imagining it but then he tried to move his arms and his legs and through lidded eyes he could feel that they were truly restrained. Then he opened his eyes and he looked at the horror of the situation he was in.

The young emperor, considered the epitome of class and nobility, the supposed one underneath heaven, was now bound to a chair, reduced to only his shirt and pants in an unknown room.

Or rather, he knew what the room was, just not specifically its location. Clearly it was the room of one of the nobles who lived in the palace. More precisely, it was a room that was designated for noble and distinguished guests, as the bareness of the room suggested this was one that has been abandoned for at least a couple of days. Its previous occupant obviously didn't stay long.

"Well, well. The emperor himself has decided to grace our presence by waking up."

His head, once low, shot upwards at the sound, now incredibly aware of the presence of a man. No… _men_.

"Grace our presence? But he was here for a bit already." A second, deeper voice commented.

"Shut up!" The sound of a slap was heard behind him. "I'm trying to scare him."

"Well if you are trying to scare me," Liu Shan finally said in a softness and calmness he didn't know he was capable of. "It's not working."

He could almost hear the man's head wretch itself to face him. "Oh yeah?!" The first voice screamed as he walked around him and came into view, the second man following shortly behind him. "At least we're not the ones being held for ransom."

"Ransom, murder, torture, isn't it all the same in the end?" Liu Shan smiled.

"No! It's not! It's COMPLETEY DIFFERENT! There's so many different THINGS you need to plan! Like-like…argh!" The shorter man grabbed at his hair, pulling it violently.

"Wenlai, I think he's joking…" The second man said matter-of-factly.

"W-Well he's being REALLY rude about it!"

Perhaps in a different scenario, Liu Shan would have found this comical but right now, he needed to stall for time. Get some information, at least. Something that could ensure his freedom.

He gazed out to outside and sees one of the palace gardens basked in the purple and orange of sunset. He suppresses a grin. He can try something.

"I must have been knocked out for so long. It's already been a day past."

"Actually, it's only been a couple of minutes."

"Quiet, Shoujie!" Wenlai slapped Shoujie once again on the face.

It was difficult for Liu Shan to not laugh. Wenlai was easily more shorter and outright puny compared to the bulky beefcake Shoujie. Together, they mismatched in a way that rivaled the greatest of comedic tales.

"That's ENOUGH, you two." The two men turned to look at a third person who arrived behind Liu Shan. They both appeared to be frightened. "Come on, off with you. You're supposed to watch the doors."

"B-but the emperor…" Wenlai started.

"Oh, please. How is he going to escape ropes AND all three of us? Just get going!"

Liu Shan did not hide the displeasure on his face. He knew that voice. It was a voice he was familiar with, one that he clearly misjudged. He turned his head to the left side just as the man came into view. "You're rather late, Bu Zhuo."

A sinister smirk grows on Bu Zhuo's face. "Actually, I'm rather early." He places a hand on the sword by his side, his fingers gliding along the top of the grip. "I had this whole plan to bait you, you know? Get your pompous ass drunk and drugged, carry you here. By the time people get two and two together, I'd be holding all the cards. But I suppose this is good too."

Liu Shan grimaced. It was always him and his stupid mistakes. Even when he tried to do something right, he somehow ends up failing. Xingcai must be desperately looking for him now. "But they'll find me eventually." He said emotionlessly. "And they'll bring an army if they have to. They will execute you and your men without a blink of an eye."

And in reality, Liu Shan added in his mind, the plan was stupid. Both plans, that is. Even if Bu Zhuo succeeded in getting ransom money, who was to stop the soldiers after from hunting him down and taking the money back? And Wenlai and Shoujie seemed to be the only accomplices. This plan seemed to rely on threats rather than actions. He just hoped Xingcai knew this when she inevitably comes in to save the day.

"But where's the fun in that, _my lord_?" He said so condescendingly so. "I don't think they'd be so quick to try and execute me if I have a knife to your throat."

For a second, Liu Shan was silent. He himself had already been taught two ways to disarm people with knives to his throat. He's sure the soldiers would also know, and pull it off easier. They're not the ones bound to a chair. "What are your terms then?"

"He he. Oh, you'll find out soon, my lord. You and that sexy bodyguard of yours."

Liu Shan just turned his head and stares ahead. "You mean Xingcai? The woman you were talking to just moments ago?"

"Yeah, her. With the big ass and all. I must say, I'm jealous of your taste in women, _my lord_. They say she trains you." He leaned down his face so close he could taste the horribly acrid scent of alcohol in his breath. "I wonder how many times you've gotten 'hot and sweaty' with her?"

The corner of Liu Shan's lips dip just slightly, so slightly that it's not picked up by Bu Zhuo. "If you are suggesting that we are seeing each other then you'll be disappointed to find out that our relationship is strictly professional." Liu Shan replied monotonously.

"Pity. I like my women better when I can steal them away from someone else. And who better to steal from than you, my lord?"

Liu Shan glares at Bu Zhuo. "What are you implying?"

His question does not get an answer as he hears four pairs of feet come into the room. At the sound of two gasps, one female and one male, he already knew who had arrived in the room.

"Drop your weapons." Bu Zhuo said. Soon after, the slow clatter of metal made itself apparent as it dropped onto the floor.

"What did you do to him?" Xingcai asked, low and aggressive.

"I'm fine," Liu Shan frowns, turning his head as much as he can try to see her, to little avail.

"I think we owe the lady a view of her precious emperor." He snaps a finger towards Shoujie. "Turn him around, would you mind?"

With an ease that more than concerned Liu Shan, the man lifts both him and the chair up and turns it 180 degrees around. And at the sight of him, another gasp came out of Xingcai's mouth. He sees it's only Xingcai and Guan Ping standing a short way behind her, both armed with swords. Behind the two, Wenlai is standing before a door, a hand poised over his own sheathed sword, ready to attack if Xingcai and Guan Ping dared make a move.

Once he got a bearing on the people in the room, Liu Shan's focus shifted to Xingcai. She still wore the dress that she wore earlier that afternoon but found that her shoes were discarded, quite likely for easier traversal. In her hand was her sword but for some reason, the shield was nowhere to be seen. He finally turned to meet her gaze and when he sees the surprise and worry in her eyes, he looked away. He didn't mean for this to happen. This was definitely not what he intended.

"So you see, he's definitely safe," Bu Zhuo said with pure arrogance. "I think it's safe to talk about ransoms now."

Xingcai's left eye twitched. "What do you want?" She hissed.

Bu Zhuo's lips smirk upwards. "Oh, straight to the point. I like that in a woman." He leans in closer to her. "I **really** like that."

From the corner of his eyes, Liu Shan sees Guan Ping's face scrunch up in anger. Liu Shan himself felt his eyebrows knit together also from a statement like that. It was this patronizing approach to Xingcai that made him sick to the stomach, not the jeopardy of his own safety.

"Boss…" Wenlai said impatiently.

"I'm getting to it!" He snarled back, whipping his head back to Xingcai and returning back to his previous smirk. "I want money, 500 catty should do. And the fastest horses. And the best carriage you got."

"That's insane!" shouted Xingcai.

"You can have it." Liu Shan interrupted. "Whatever you want, you can have it just please release me. You do not need my bodyguards to make deals."

"I never got to finish. My final request was your precious bodyguard, Lady Xingcai, as a slave." Bu Zhuo laughed sinisterly. "I wonder how you will feel, my lord, when I get her naked body to _entertain_ me on all fours."

"W-what?!" She splutters wide-eyed. "You're truly insane!"

"You can't have her! She's not yours to have, you sick pervert!" Guan Ping screamed. He balled his fists up, ready to attack but Xingcai puts an arm up to stop him.

Liu Shan watched all this with a mournful look in his eye. He felt his breathing getting shallow, the slow slow lost of control that usually came with anger. But more than that, it was sadness for he knew: he caused this. He didn't intentionally start it but he caused it. All because he couldn't bare to see her talk to him. All because he couldn't stick with his bodyguards like he promised Xingcai. All because he failed her.

He should rectify this situation. In the only way he knew how.

"…Leave, you two."

"My lord?" She asked softly.

"Don't accept this crazy request. Leave me here. If I get tortured, injured, killed…" he lets out a raspy breath. "…it's better than knowing you suffered for my mistakes. Leave me be."

He didn't realize his head was low until he raised it once again to meet her eyes. For a moment she looked to the ground, blank faced and emotionless. Then, her posture straightened, her grip tightened and she took one step forward towards both Bu Zhuo and Liu Shan. He expected the same emotions she bore before: confusion, hurt, worry, but instead there was determination in her heart, the fiery expanse of stars in her eyes.

It was too late when he figured out the meaning behind her determination, too late to stop her.

"Lord Bu Zhuo." Bu Zhuo's body perked slightly. "I'll do it. The deal is done."

Guan Ping turned to her, flabbergasted. "B-but Xingcai—"

"This is my duty, Guan Ping. And in the end, I must uphold it."

Her head bowed low, she walked closer and closer to Bu Zhuo until they were barely centimetres away. He puts a hand on her shoulder, the other on her arm but when she does not act, the hand on his shoulder moves lower, grabbing her posterior. Liu Shan sees her wince slightly and he instantly becomes frantic.

"L-let her go! You already have me and the money, I guarantee it! What more do you want? I've done nothing to you!"

Bu Zhuo was about to open his mouth, no doubt to give a smarmy reply when suddenly, Xingcai punched him in the stomach and breathless, he falls to the ground, clutching his body tightly.

In the brief moment of confusion, Xingcai managed to steal Bu Zhuo's sword out of his sheath and Guan Ping managed to retrieve the dropped sword below him. Wenlai and Shoujie only barely managed to unsheathe their own swords before they finally understood what had happened and began their attack. Wenlai attacked Guan Ping, who was closest to him while Shoujie, who had moved to his master's side, just managed to block Xingcai's strike. Liu Shan could only watch as he watched the two closest to him fight for his safety.

The smaller Wenlai proved to be quite quick, his slashes quick, but they were very inaccurate and predictable enough for Guan Ping to block with ease. The sheer strength of Guan Ping was enough to swing the balance to his favour, numerous times making Wenlai cut himself with his own sword by pure force. He lets out a scream of annoyance (which sounds more like a yelp to Liu Shan) as his attacks became less controlled and more frantic. Clearly Wenlai was more talk than he was action.

Xingcai however was tackling a different problem with the strong Shoujie. The antithesis of Wenlai, he slashes slow but unpredictable and strong, his stance unwavering even with Xingcai's assault. He is a rock who will not move for her or anyone, even with the wimpering Bu Zhuo lying nearby as a dangerous trip hazard. He slashes left, right, then a vertical slash downwards which forces Xingcai to dodge to the side, putting her further and further away from Bu Zhuo.

Liu Shan struggled to remove the ropes around him, so tightly bound around his wrists and ankles. Alas, they were so tightly bound that he could already feel his circulation fail at his hands and feet but he had to push on. He had to free himself and help his friends.

The two fights begin to close in, Guan Ping and Xingcai slowly backing until finally their backs just barely graze each other. Wenlai and Shoujie had managed to corner them in a pincer attack. The female and male pair turn their heads, lock eyes for a second, and give a nod, and quickly they spin around, swapping places.

Wenlai tries to stab Xingcai multiple times. She dodged the first, the second, but on the third she instead used this opening to duck under and with the base of her sword, slam him down to the ground. He is dizzy and lying on the floor and using this opportunity, Xingcai kicks him in the face. He collapses, comatose.

The battle against Shoujie ended quickly after. The two men locked arms numerously in their battle, the clang of steel frequently erupting between the two. As many attacks as Guan Ping could give, Shoujie could counter with ease and the opposite was also the same. In the end, it was a battle of stamina that allowed Guan Ping to win. Shoujie had wound himself up for a strong attack which Guan Ping deflected. It was an opening, one that Guan Ping used to slice not at his body but at the wrist holding the sword. The flesh dropped to the floor with a sickening thud and a deafening scream that was quickly quelled by a punch to his chin. He fell, blood spurting from the lost limb, at which Liu Shan stared, horrified.

Once the threat was over, Xingcai rushed over to him, quickly cutting the restraints around his appendages and once they were broken, he stood, dazed at all the chaos that surrounded him. His hands felt numb as the blood slowly flowed back but he couldn't help but stare at the pool of crimson slowly growing.

"My lord." She said with a sorrowful smile.

He looks up to her, sees the relief wash all over her face and he just wants to laugh or cry or just scream. Something audible. Something present. But all he could do was just stare mindlessly into her eyes.

She lowered her weapon and took a step closer to him. He took one closer to her, and for a second he wants to squeeze her and hold her and let the world just wash over him. "Xingcai, I…"

"Gaagh!"

Bu Zhuo suddenly bounded from the floor, knocking Guan Ping over and with a burst of speed, sped out of the room sprinting.

"Someone stop him…MY LORD!"

He barely registered anything once he picked up Xingcai's dropped sword and gave chase, leaving behind the living and unconscious bodies behind as he sprinted after Bu Zhuo.

It was strange how free he felt as he ran. Before, he would have already tripped because of the baggy clothing he wore or his natural clumsiness but the adrenaline pumping into him was driving him, making his body as light as air and as speedy as a wild cat. There's a fire in his eyes and in his body that fuels him, gives him stamina.

He never would have thought he had the capability to run so fast. When he was younger, he had always lost the foot races against the kids. Now, however, he felt he could best the best. The corridors pass him by in a blur, pursuing the dark red robes of his target, his prey. He is mindless, save for the one recurring thought. Of Bu Zhuo's hands all over Xingcai's body, leaving dirty marks wherever he touched, her standing there motionless, tears threatening to fall. It increased his pace; the body of Bu Zhuo seemed to be getting closer and closer.

His breathing got tighter and hoarse as he approached Bu Zhuo. He is so close, he tried to grab him but he barely makes contact with the cloth of Bu Zhuo's robes. Another dark thought of Bu Zhuo having his way with Xingcai went through Liu Shan's mind and he could not take it anymore and he ran the fastest that he had ever done and, with a surge of energy, tackled Bu Zhuo to the ground. He turned the man around and he was stunned and Liu Shan, with big breaths, used this opportunity to take the sword and bring it to the neck of the wide-eyed Bu Zhuo.

He squirmed, thrashing and desperately trying to get away from the weight of Liu Shan and he almost succeeds, crawling backwards as fast as his injured body could allow him. Liu Shan instead stands, emotionless, and stomps at one of Bu Zhuo's legs. There is the loud crunch of bone shortly followed by a piercing shriek. He ignores it, bringing his sword down so that the tip pointed at his throat. Bu Zhuo was cornered.

"N-no, please, my lord" He begged. "I-I-I was wrong. I was afraid. I j-just needed money. My mistress, she gave me no choice, I needed the money, please!"

Liu Shan did not move. His face is expressionless, unreadable and to Bu Zhuo, it was the most frightening sight he had ever seen.

"P-please, my lord!" Bu Zhuo cried. "I…show me mercy. You preach of benevolence. Please, spare me and I will spend my life making it up to you."

For a second, Liu Shan's expression softened, a look almost like pity striking over his face. Then he squatted down just above the broken leg, the sword away from his neck and sitting in his hand by his side.

"You know, Bu Zhuo, I should." Liu Shan admitted. "If I was my father, he would spare you. Mind you, he wasn't about mercy or forgiveness but he would see that you are important for the peace of the kingdom and of the nobility. And he would see that you are taken on the right path, that you know what true benevolence is. "

Bu Zhuo propped himself up on his elbows slowly, eyes hopeful and in awe. "My lord, I—" Liu Shan put a finger to his lips to shush him.

"But I'll tell you a secret. Come closer." Bu Zhuo leaned closer, and Liu Shan brought his face so close to his ear.

" **I am not my father.** " He whispered in a dark, low tone as he plunged the sword into Bu Zhuo's chest. His breathing heaves and he coughs blood, some of it splattering Liu Shan's emotionless face, before collapsing in a puddle of his own blood, eyes forever struck with horror and fear. After a couple of seconds pass and the breathing had completely stopped, Liu Shan lifted two fingers and forcibly closes Bu Zhuo's eyelids. Bu Zhuo deserved that much, at least.

He eyed the sword, once pristine now bloodstained, and he drops it on the floor with a grumble of displeasure.

"You…killed him." She softly said.

He didn't turn his head. He attempted to chuckle to lighten the mood but it sounds dark, sardonic. He decided instead to wipe the blood off his face with the sleeve of his black shirt.

"You've never killed anyone before. I thought you said you don't want to kill."

It was true. **Was**. But he couldn't allow that man to live. He wanted to go on about how he found his reason to fight, that the desire to protect his loved ones drove him to do what he did. That he now saw why killing is necessary. That in some circumstances, death can lead to peace.

"…Xingcai."

"What is it, my lord?"

"You know the other two men you just fought? The accomplices to Bu Zhuo?"

"What about them?"

He turns so that she is visible from the very corner of his eye. "I want those two **executed by tomorrow**. I want them dead." He all but growled at her as he walks away, still bloodstained and emotionless, leaving behind the surprised Xingcai standing, unmoving.

As she watched his form disappear, he glanced down at her bloodstained sword and the dead form of Bu Zhuo before returning back to the empty corridor that Liu Shan just walked in front of her.

"Liu Shan…" She whispered to no one but herself as she stood before the carnage before her.

The day afterward, she did as he desired and the two men were publically executed. And from that day onwards came a short period of time that she would remember as the calmest and most peaceful period in Liu Shan's reign.


	6. Hidden scars

_You thought the drama was gonna stop after the last chapter? HELL no. This is where the REAL good'uns begin. Sappiness galore. Definitely less violence than the last chapter. You are welcome.  
_

_Considering that some people here may notice this gigantic wave of new chapters being added, I'm sorry I took so long to put them up. If you want to see a more regularly updated one I am ALSO on fanfiction.net in their Dynasty Warriors tag. Same story, same username, ALL powerful, ha ha! But I have not forgotten about you guys here. For you beauts, I will continue updating, that is a fact. This story ain't over, home boys. (...but the vernacular is. I might have went a bit overboard on that)_

_As always, reviews are ALWAYS here to stay for a party and I am super happy to hear any of your thoughts, people, good or bad._

_I don't own DW or the company behind it, and I am not secretly their overlord controlling their minds to get my dream game into production. Because that's TOTALLY not possible. TOTALLY IMPLAUSIBLE. ABSOLUTELY UNTRUE!_

Chapter 6: Hidden scars

"Him? Acting strange? Can't say I noticed." Said Bao Sanniang.

"I haven't either. Sorry, Xingcai." Asked Guan Yinping.

"Just…turn your heads and look at him now. There's something off with him. It's like he's…" But as all three of the girls turned their heads to gaze at the emperor, who was currently dining on some chicken, there seemed to be nothing unusual they could spot on him, not unless chicken grease on the chin counted. At the opposite end of the long table, the women sat together, their conversation separate from the one the men of the table shared. Ordinarily, Xingcai would sit by the side of Liu Shan for lunch but today, she felt the compulsion to sit with her friends for once. She had to tell them what she saw.

"But I saw it." Xingcai continued. "He looked so strange. Right after he killed him."

"Now THAT I would like to see." Bao Sanniang commented as she coaxed the dumpling into her mouth with her chopsticks. Then, with her mouth full, "I've never seen him hurt a fly. Literally. A month ago I was playing with some cats and he accidentally stepped on the tail of one of them and he was apologizing like he insulted my ancestors!"

"Please," Xingcai wiped the spitted crumbs off her face. "Finish your food before you speak." Bao Sanniang complied with a big swallow.

"Brother told me that he saw Lord Liu Shan saying sorry to a plant because he had to prune it." Guan Yinping added. "I'm…plants don't have feelings, right?"

"Plants do NOT have feelings. And I was there for that incident." Xingcai also remembered how she was forced to help him because he couldn't _handle the guilt_. But as it has been for the whole morning, whenever she thought of him, her thoughts always go back to last night.

She turned her head once again and looked at Liu Shan, hoping to see a glimpse of what she saw last night. But there was no fire in his eyes, just the two cold opals she was used to seeing. With a sigh, she went back to her food but with every mouthful it only reminded her of how tasteless it is to her at that moment. Her eyes glanced up and she quickly sees the other girls quickly dart their eyes away from her. She knew what was in their minds, even if they won't say it. They don't believe her. Or at least, they only believe part of her story. It was already common knowledge that Liu Shan himself had been the one to slain Bu Zhuo but the consensus of the palace was that it was with great remorse and regret. Not with the conviction that she saw last night.

"…Either way, let's change the topic," Xingcai decided. "How have you both been?"

They were both quick to regale Xingcai with a colourful account of the past few weeks. Guan Suo introduced Bao Sanniang to his mother officially for the first time, alongside a quick recap of the _unofficial_ introduction ("the horrible day we shall not speak of" Bao Sanniang said in a mockingly regal tone), and despite Sanniang's nervousness in making a bad first impression, it seemed to go well. As for Guan Yinping's part, she had recounted a particularly memorable training session with Guan Ping which led to her accidentally punching a wall into pieces, made more humourous by her interpretation of her adopted brother ("Oh no there is a hole in the wall just like there is a hole in my heart where the holy spirit of my father shall kill me and I will die and be deeeeeead") and her flawed reasoning as to the breaking of said wall ("I think that wall was secretly paper, like someone was hiding something behind it").

Xingcai had always preferred listening rather than talking. She had long accepted that the stories she had to tell were few and dull and she preferred being the ear rather than the mouth in conversation. But after the first few stories, she found her attention drifting back to the emperor and the events of last night. How the new moon draped his body in white, the stark contrast of his ebony shirt and ivory pants and pale skin were intensified by the faint moonlight. How he turned to her, posture straight, chin held high, and gave her the order for the execution. There was seriousness in his expression, the way his lips were drawn in a line and his eyebrows furrowed slightly. But it was his eyes she remembered. Aflame, she remembered, no, an inferno, threatening to swallow those in its path. But it was a controlled fire, a tranquil fury. It was strength, leadership, all radiating from his eyes. And all of that strength, it was on display for her at that moment, at that second in time. For nobody else but her.

Every time she remembered that moment, it's like a small jolt zaps her in the back, a pin prick. Every time she thought of that moment, she knew that she should have felt shock, horror, surprise. Maybe even fear. But instead she was smiling. The man she thought she knew so well changed into something unrecognizable and she was smiling. Anyone else who would've seen the emperor's sudden change would see only the cruelness he expressed but Xingcai, she saw the dormant leader hidden inside Liu Shan come alive before her very eyes.

"You must be thinking some happy thoughts, my dear Xingcai."

Xingcai electrified as she felt a hand on her shoulder and the cutlery flew in her hands with a girlish shriek. But as she turned and found that Liu Shan himself was behind her, she found herself blushing in embarrassment. The quiet laughter of Guan Yinping and Bao Sanniang did not help ease her humiliation.

"I-I'm sorry." He laughed. "Did I startle you?"

"I-it's OK. I was…not paying attention." The giggles of Yinping and Sanniang grew, even as Xingcai shot the pair a dirty look. "I was just thinking of a past memory that's all."

"OK then…" he laughed, not sounding entirely convinced. "I was just going to let you know that after you have your lunch, I have some things to do in town. I was wondering if you would accompany me."

"Why would I not accompany you, my lord? I'm on duty even now. It is your decision to make."

"Well yes, I do know that but I thought it would be better to ask you regardless. What you and Guan Ping both did yesterday, you two deserve a break. I can always get someone else to take your place." He then added, "Of course, I'd much rather have your company. Only if you do not mind that is."

As much as a rest would be nice and as much yesterday's events were harrowing and tiresome, the thought of someone else doing her duty did not sit well with her. A queasy, unpleasant feeling grew in her stomach. "I will tag along, do not worry, lord Liu Shan. But I am still on my lunch break."

"Great!" He grinned. "Just come to me where I usually sit and let me know when you are ready. I've got all day today." And just as suddenly as he arrived, he left, gliding his way back to his seat at the front of the table.

Xingcai did not even realize she was holding in a breath until it came out suddenly after he left.

"Going on a _daaaate_?" Bao Sanniang teased.

"It's not like that. You heard him. It is only errands." With a blush, Xingcai added, "After yesterday, I think I want to avoid dates. My dating experience has not been great so far."

"Wait…"

"Did you say…"

"A DATE?!" Screamed both girls.

"You went on a date?" Bao Sanniang asked.

"Tell me, tell me!" added Guan Yingping.

"Come on, all the juicy details! Spill!"

"Alright, alright," Xingcai brought her hands up to calm them down. "But I don't have long. Lord Liu Shan no doubt wants me soon."

Bao Sanniang snickered but said nothing.

"Well then first, who was it?" Guan Yinping asked. "Was he nice? Handsome?"

"Urgh, no." Xingcai scowled. "I ended up going on a date with Bu Zhuo."

"The man lord Liu Shan **killed**?!" Sanniang asked.

Xingcai nodded. "Even before I actually knew him and what he did, he was boorish. Arrogant. The only thing that was remotely nice about him was his clothing."

"Wait, so this was a blind date?" Again, Xingcai nodded. "Yeah, tip number one about blind dates, they don't usually end well. The only guys who agree for blind dates are ugly, rude or horribly antisocial."

"I'll…keep that in mind, Sanniang." Xingcai said with unease.

"If it's a blind date," Yinping said, "then who set you two up?"

Xingcai let out a groan. "Don't remind me, it was all his fault. Lord L—"

She suddenly stopped. She remembered the promise she made, to not tell anyone, and hear she was, almost spilling the secret. Guan Ping was a special case, she could trust him with anything but the girls? As much as she liked them and liked hanging out with them whenever she can, her secrets are not safe with them.

"…m-my mother…I meant. My mother set me up."

Sanniang gave an exaggerated "Ohhhh" but she seemed convinced. Yinping, however, was not.

"You said 'he' earlier."

"Did I?" Xingcai could feel her heartbeat increase.

"Well, you said 'his'."

"It was a simple mistake. A slip of the mouth, that is all."

"Like the time I slammed the teacup and it broke!"

Xingcai nodded slowly, not really sure of the implications of what Yinping said.

"I guess that happens. Everyone makes mistakes." Yinping decided.

Xingcai gave a small breath in relief. She didn't like lying, even with the small white lies, but sometimes they are needed. Especially since she would be named a hypocrite for breaking the promise not to tell anyone about the dating lessons. But mostly, it was the embarrassment she felt. Xingcai did not want to dare bare any more embarrassment on her shoulders.

"A-anyway," she decided to continue the story, "My date with Bu Zhuo—if you could even call it that—was horrible. I swear I smelt alcohol on his breath. But even with all those traits and what he did, I still do not believe why he would betray our lord like that. He was all talk, no bite. I doubt he'd have the stomach to attempt to kidnap the lord."

"Some people change with the times, I suppose...I know I did when I met Guan Suo." Bao Sanniang said with a dreamy smile.

"Um…maybe not the best thing to say, Sanniang." Yinping responded, but it seemed to be too late. The comment did not seem to register in Sanniang's mind as she continued her daydream. It elicited a small, polite chuckle from Xingcai.

"I think it's more appropriate to say people change because of other people." Xingcai commented.

"Yeah, maybe!" Sanniang said excitedly, adding in a dreamlike state, "Maaaaybe."

After a few more seconds waiting to see if either of the girls would say more with no response, Xingcai took this as a sign that she could stop talking and went on to finish the food that was in front of her, finishing it as quickly as she could without the risk of making a mess (a problem that she used to have that she dared not commit here, in front of her lord and her friends of all people). The food did not regain the taste it lacked from the start but it seemed a bit more palatable and when she felt her hunger was sated, she rose, giving a small farewell to her friends. Yinping eagerly waved goodbye back but Sanniang seemed to still be daydreaming. She laughed as Guan Yinping tried to coax Sanniang back down to earth to little avail.

Xingcai walked the small distance to the head of the table where Liu Shan always sat, the emperor engaged in conversation that, from whence she arrived, seemed to be about the domestic lives of one of the lords. He laughed cheerfully at a rather awful pun about married life and wives and she allowed a small giggle at the rather horrendous joke, only in part because the humour and happiness in Liu Shan's exuberant mannerisms elevated her mood slightly more. She moved behind him and tapped him on the shoulder, once, twice, and he turned to her, his characteristic smile ever present.

"You ready to go?" He asked.

She smiled slightly, "Let us go then." Regardless of what he had saw yesterday night, it comforted her that it seemed that for the most part, Liu Shan did not seem at all affected by the events of last night and the deeds he had committed.

Liu Shan made a quick explanation for his departure to his guests and walked beside her to the stables where the royal carriage was waiting, cleaned and already equipped with horses and drivers, servants and attendants also on standby to attend to the emperor's needs on this day trip to town. A wave of nostalgia passed through Xingcai as she gazed into the inside of the gilded carriage. The first time she had been in a carriage had been with Liu Shan' father, Lord Liu Bei, and he had insisted that as her bodyguard, he should sit inside with him instead of beside the driver as is standard procedure. She remembered the awe she felt, the tension of being so close to the late lord, the envy of her peers who could only look on with amazement when they saw her face from the small slatted windows. Now, in part due to Liu Shan picking up the trait of his father by requesting her presence sitting beside him and the latter's frequent trips around town gazing at the countryside, she had become used to it. Her family would probably find the idea outrageous if she ever told them she was used to sitting in a carriage now.

Whatever preparations that needed to be done, they must have been told earlier by her lord about his desire to go into town because they were already done in the short amount of time it took for both her and Liu Shan to enter the carriage ("Ladies first" he insisted) and for the carriage to move and make its way into town, the palace slowly moving further and further away from her view.

The ride was rocky, the clatter of rocks underneath the wheels and the slight shakes and bumps helped solidify the unevenness of the road but in a way it soothed her, these little bumps and grooves in the ground reminding her that the carriage is not capable of going at high speeds. As much as she liked the rush of the wind on her horse and the adrenaline pumping that usually comes with the fast cantering pace, that only applied when she was in control of the horse. With carriages, she was perfectly content with its slow pace, giving her plenty of time to observe the passing surroundings. As she turned to Liu Shan, it seemed the same thoughts she had were true for him, his head resting on his left palm turned to the outside world, watching patiently the world pass him by.

She remembered the words the girls said earlier. That it was a fluke, a lighting trick of some sort, and the more she observed him, the possibility grew more and more in her mind. Did she really imagine it? Was it possible that in the excitement and terror, trying to race after the impossibly quick Liu Shan that she imagined the anger in his face? The commanding tone in his voice? The leader-like strength in which he carried himself when he walked away?

"You've been staring at me for a while now."

She blinked twice in rapid succession. A blush grew as she become more conscious of just how long she had been looking at him. It felt like seconds but already, looking at the scenery behind him, the palace walls and nearby farmlands have made way for the cramped conditions that would make the way to town. She must have been staring for quite a while, she thought, if the scenery already changed this drastically.

"I'm sorry, my lord. It's rude of me."

"I was thinking for a moment that perhaps I had some of my lunch on my face." He chuckled. "I don't think my face is _that_ interesting, my dear Xingcai."

She turned her head sharply away from him in her attempt to hide her blush. It only amused him, increasing the intensity of his chuckles. "It's just…forgive me if it's too much but…I suppose I am worried for you, my lord."

"Whatever for?" He laughed. "Is this about yesterday? I came out pretty alright, you and Guan Ping came out alright, and we both know those men will not be a threat to the kingdom or anyone anymore."

She flinched slightly as she thought about the execution. She had to be there as the one who saved Liu Shan she couldn't help but feel a little bit of satisfaction, watching the two men get executed. But as she recalled, Lord Liu Shan wasn't physically there. The story was that he 'forgot' something in his chambers and missed the execution. Genuine forgetfulness, or was it an excuse? She did not know.

"You have had your life threatened before, my lord. I have thwarted many an assassination attempt before but…if I had been late…"

He hushed her, putting a finger between her lips. "It is in the past. And we all came out of it alive and well." He smiled.

She moved away his finger from her mouth. "At the expense of killing someone."

Liu Shan frowned. "I do not get any pleasure from murder. But it was necessary. And I'd do it again if I have to." He admitted.

She nodded. "Killing takes a lot of mental strength, as well as physical strength. Only the insane or the strong can do it easily…it must have been hard on you."

"Then I still have to get stronger then. For you and for my people."

"Is that what motivates you then?"

He tilted his head, confused. "What do you mean?"

"For someone who has never killed before, you need a particularly powerful motive to do so."

Liu Shan chuckled. "You know, Guan Ping told me something similar, that I need a reason to fight to fight well. I suppose I should not be surprised you'd say something similar."

"That then explains your sub-par techniques whenever you train, my lord." She retorted back. "But honestly, my lord, you needed some kind of trigger. For training's sake, tell me. What were you thinking at that time, when you killed him?"

He flashed a cheeky grin. "It's a secret."

"W-what?"

He laughed heartily and warmly in response.

"L-Lord Liu Shan, come on. Don't be so childish, tell me."

"Oh come on, Xingcai. I'm sure you could guess. You are so very smart, after all." He leaned closer, arms crossed together.

If it was a compliment or an insult, it was hard to tell in the teasing manner in which he said it. "My lord!" She reprimanded.

"But it is true, Xingcai. I would have thought your reason to fight would be something _personal_." He said, interspersed with small sniggers.

"Maybe so, but as your bodyguard and trainer, it would benefit me greatly." She replied stoically.

"Well then, how about a trade? You tell me your reason, I'll tell you mine."

She scoffed in response. Of course in the middle of his more serious moment did he have to make a silly request. It's as if he is incapable of having thoughtful discussions after a certain amount of time. "Lord Liu Shan, seriously." She swatted at the nearest thing to her, which just so happened to be his arm.

"I was kidding, I was kidding." He laughed as he pulled away slightly.

"Just tell me part of it then. A small part. I was not joking earlier, anything you tell me about your experience, it can help me better improve you."

He considered it for a moment, head tilted and his gaze upwards in thought. Then his eyes lock onto her and his head straightens again as he gazes into her eyes. "I think what motivates me is the desire to protect the ones I love. To make sure they come to no harm."

She leaned in slightly. "Anyone specific?"

He stared at her for a few more seconds before the question is fully comprehended and he leaned backwards. "Y-yes but…let's not go into details." A blush grew on his cheeks as he looked away to the outside world.

She giggled quietly, which only seemed to further the blush, but at his insistence she said no more on the subject. At least this small insight, however insignificant, she can work into her training. And also, if she had to be honest, she rather liked having him open this up to her. It gave her a strange sort of thrill; a feeling she could not exactly describe tangibly but nevertheless enthralled her.

"By the way, you never mentioned where we were going, my lord."

What greeted her was a chuckle. "Look outside, Xingcai."

Her head slowly turned, away from him and towards the open scenery behind her. She pressed her body towards the carriage as she stared wide-eyed at the city streets. It was the noble's district, the rich district, all around her she could see the stores that she as a child so desperately wanted to visit. Fancy restaurants with exquisitely prepared food passed her by with its decadent scent, jewelry stores filled with precious stones, just waiting to be displayed on the neck of the fair lady that it is bought for. She felt the carriage slow as her eyes widened at the sight of the most famous and exclusive tailor's of the kingdom if not the three kingdoms combined: The Pearl.

She turned back to him as the carriage came to a halt just outside The Pearl. "B-B-buh….wuhh?"

Liu Shan grinned widely. "It's time to treat yourself, Xingcai. We're going shopping."

"Huh? W-w-WE?!"

Before she could say anything more, the carriage doors opened and the servants stood by either side of the doorway, waiting to receive the emperor. He complied, giving both servants a hand as he slowly and carefully stepped down. They offered the same to Xingcai but she declined, jumping down, the look of amazement and surprise plastered onto her face as she followed Liu Shan into The Pearl. He goes through the curtains that framed the doorway and she paused, took a breath. When she finally gained the courage to push the curtains away it was a sight to behold, so spectacular it took what little breath she had away regardless.

The Pearl had a rather standard exterior: white walls, a standard looking sign and a couple of samples of the clothing they offer but the interior was a different matter altogether. Inside it was far more packed than the outside led others to believe, the place bustling with a mixture of staff and customers, all of whom were wearing the finest of clothing. Fabrics of the highest quality and of the deepest colours were on display at all areas of the shop, feasting the eyes of those who dared to look at them. Mannequins were all around to show the latest in fashion. Men and women gossiped about the news happily, the staff with a polite but genuine smile as they went on to work. And to the back was a curtained off area for changing and measurements, currently open, which boasted an impressively sized mirror.

Xingcai almost immediately felt out of place here. She had been in the presence of nobles before but never did she ever felt like she stood out as much as she did right now, wearing the standard uniform that she wore for her bodyguard duties. All these nobles, the tailors, even the bodyguards of said nobles, they all dressed themselves in magnificent finery, heads held high in a way that made her envious. She saw a few people stare and nervously, she tugged at the bottom of her short skirt. They probably thought she looked unsightly.

It didn't help that Liu Shan was the same as always, strolling through to the opposite side as though he frequented here, ignorant of the stares and gapes of his fellow noblemen. She walked two steps behind him, a bit further away from him than usual. Her association with the emperor, she felt, would only spell trouble; one that she would rather avoid.

"Lady Jian! It has been far too long!" Liu Shan called out and instantly, an older lady, no younger than 40, turned. Shock quickly transformed into delight.

"My emperor, Lord Liu SHAN! Oh, it is SO good to see you, so good to see you." She bowed as the pair approached the counter that she was behind.

Xingcai felt the judging glares of the noblemen on her backside and tried her best to ignore it and not look back.

"I see business is booming, as per usual. But then again, I would expect nothing less from a lady of such skill with the cloth. I swear you look younger than the last time I saw you, have you done something to yourself? A haircut? Makeup?"

"Oh, you flatterer," She chortled. "Nice try. But you're still not going to get a discount, my lord."

Liu Shan exaggeratingly stomped his foot lightly in disappointment. "Oh, darn it. I was hoping that would work." The two laughed.

It never failed to impress Xingcai how quickly and easily Liu Shan could befriend people but at the same time, the way they talked, their mannerisms, it almost seemed like they knew each other. How often DID Liu Shan frequent this place? Wasn't Liu Shan supposed to have his own royal tailors? Why bother coming here?

"Now now," Lady Jian and Liu Shan began to calm. "We're missing the obvious here. Who's your lovely lady friend here? Does our young emperor finally have a suitor?"

Xingcai blushed at the statement. "I-it's not like that."

"Sorry to disappoint you," Liu Shan added, "but I'm afraid I'm still not spoken for. This is my bodyguard and most trusted vassal, Xingcai."

"It's ZHANG Xingcai." She corrected. "I am my lord Liu Shan's bodyguard. Nice to meet you." She bowed.

"You can call me Lady Jian, master of the needle and owner of this establishment. But I'm sure you two lovebirds know that." Lady Jian cooed. Xingcai was grateful she was still bowing so neither of the two could see her blush. "I'll keep my hopes up for next time. I'm expecting fireworks at your wedding, my lord."

"I'll give you a front seat ticket for my wedding if you like. All the food and drink you want and close to the performers. But you'll have to be patient like everyone else." Liu Shan replied.

"To the heavens with that," Lady Jian retorted with a howl. "I do not care for your palace protocols, you do not come to me to make you and your empress your wedding garments, I will hunt you down and make you one regardless and you will wear it!"

Liu Shan smirked. "When that time comes, Lady Jian. When it comes. But first my robes. I feel they are so DREADFULLY out of fashion. They're practically in tatters." He gestured at his immaculate clothing, not a spot out of place, no tears or rips in sight.

"You come to me in those clothes, my lord? I am not surprised. Your royal tailors don't seem to know a needle from a thorn in the ground, my heavens, that stitching! No, you have come at the right time, my lord, we are FIXING this! Are you planning on getting one new robe, as usual?"

He shook his head. "Today, I'm thinking of getting two robes. One for me," Liu Shan turned to Xingcai. "And one for my 'lovely lady friend'."

Xingcai quickly turned to Lady Jian to him, then back to her, before finally fixating itself on the robes on display. That material? On her?! "I-I-I could not, my lord! This is crazy!"

"Oh, is it the price?" He smiled, "Do not worry. I'll pay for it."

Her head turned wildly towards him. "N-no! Lord Liu Shan, you do not need to get me a robe. Just get one for yourself."

"And forget what you have done for me yesterday? Absolutely not. You deserve something nice. I owe you, Xingcai."

Xingcai spluttered. "You do not owe me, my lord. A-a robe like this, it's…it's…it's not for me."

His smile softened. "You underestimate yourself, Xingcai. You'll look beautiful." He gestured to her clothing. "You already do with what you are wearing now. Just think about how you will look like in a magnificent robe."

Her gaze went to the people behind her, wearing the finest finery and the most brilliant cloth. She couldn't pull that off, you had to grow up living that lifestyle…right?

"If I may ask, my lady," The two turn to Lady Jian, "who makes your clothing?"

"My…mother. Ahem, I meant…my mother sewed my clothes. I got a blacksmith to make my armour however."

"So are you saying that this is your first time you have bought clothing?"

Xingcai's eyes widened. "I-I…" Her cheeks tinted in embarrassment. "I never found the occasion. I'm only here because of my lord's insistence."

"Is that so?" Lady Jian smiled. Shortly after, she turned quickly, going through the various rungs of cloth on the wall behind her. Xingcai saw a flurry of colours, purple, red, gold, before finally stopping on a single cloth, though its colour and details were not visible to Xingcai. Even as Lady Jian held the cloth behind her back, she somehow managed to pivot her way to the front of the counter without letting it be seen. "Well if you do decide to get a dress today, I _might_ add in another dress free."

"W-wait, why does she get a free dress?" Liu Shan interjected.

"Hush now!" She gave a firm slap on the wrist to the emperor, making Liu Shan recoil in surprise. "Now, my lady. What do you say?"

"I-I'll pay for the dress, Xingcai. It's fine." Liu Shan added.

"I…" Why were they all helping her like this? Two dresses? Where was she going to put them, her wardrobe is filled with more weapons than actual clothing. But still, to wear something nice for once. "I…suppose?"

"Great!" Lady Jian squealed, suddenly appearing in front of the counter and forcefully taking Xingcai by the wrist. "Come, come! We have to get to work immediately!"

"W-wait, what is going on?" She turned back. "L-Lord Liu Shan?!"

"Have a safe trip." He smiled.

"W-wait a second, what do you mean?" But her words were ignored as Lady Jian, with an iron grip that surely could not belong to such a delicate lady, took Xingcai to a dressing room, shutting the curtains before Xingcai could even react.

Xingcai stumbled backwards, head turning left and right to figure out where she was but she only saw mirrors. She could see the shock in her face as she frantically looked around her for the exit but the curtains that designated freedom were guarded by Lady Jian. She stood motionless, almost fear stricken as Lady Jian quickly got a tape measure out, the roll of cloth she had with her had seemingly vanished in plain sight.

"OK, my lady. I need you to undress."

"U-UNDRESS?!"

She swore she heard a rustling from behind the curtains, the faint sound of suppressed chuckling.

"You need to get measured before you can get a dress." Lady Jian frowned. "I cannot measure you with your clothing on."

"B-but I cannot be naked in front of a stranger. A-and what of the people outside? Does everybody have to do this for every dress?"

The sniggering got louder.

"My lady, you need only strip down to your underwear. I'll take your measurements and put them in the books so you do not have to go through this the next time you come here."

Xingcai nodded as she slowly undressed, taking off the jacket. She heard Liu Shan's footsteps grow softer and softer, merging with the bustle of the shop. He must have left. She let out a sigh. "That's if I come here again."

A small smirk appeared on Lady Jian's face. "With Lord Liu Shan? I can almost guarantee it. I wished I was being lavished like that by a man, no less a lord too."

Xingcai pulled at the skirt of her dress, pulling it up and over her shoulders. It landed with a small plop next to her jacket. "He's only doing this because he feels he owes me because of yesterday." Xingcai was about to add if she should take her boots and socks off but Lady Jian had already wrapped the measurement tape around her bust. She blushed, nervous in being so exposed but she was calmed somewhat by the now-stoic expression of Lady Jian, deep in concentration.

"Well then, if I may ask, what happened yesterday?" She took the measure away and lowered the tape, just below her breasts.

"I…helped him." Best to be vague.

"How so?"

"Nothing too special. Anyone in my position would do the same. But I'm sure he thinks he owes me." She added with a groan, "That is probably why I am here. This is his 'repayment'."

"Well it's not a bad thing, getting a dress. I always say this to my employees, 'the woman makes the clothes, not the other way around'." She slips the band down to her waist. "I don't think he wants me to tell you this but my lord was planning on bringing you here for quite some time. The last time he came here, he mentioned wanting to bring his beautiful lady companion along. I'm now certain he meant you, my lady."

Xingcai could feel all her muscle taut from the words. _B-beautiful companion?_ The shiver, starting at her coccyx, traveled all the way up her spine. It's already impudent enough when he says it to her but to say it to someone else? Did he really think she was beautiful? "Y-you must be mistaken. I...I've always been a warrior. Every time I wear a dress, it feels so…"

"Foreign?"

Xingcai lifted her head up to Lady Jian, who has now moved the measuring tape down to her hips. She smiled, "Your mother is a talented seamstress to make such a complicated dress as the one you wear right now. But mothers are often blind to the other types of beauty that exist in this world. Those other dresses you wore, they must be lovely to look at but when you wear them, you do not feel one with it, do you?"

Xingcai shook her head.

"Then be glad your emperor dragged you here, my lady. I'll make you dress to drop all the boy's jaws and help you kick ass to boot." Lady Jian finally took the tape away and gave a motion for Xingcai to change.

Xingcai giggled, leaning down to pick up her garments. "Then I should not be disappointed."

"Hah, you better not." Lady Jian wraps the tape measure around her neck. "My reputation is at stake here."

In a short period of time, Xingcai is dressed, not a hair or fiber out of place. She flicked her head to the mirror, checked her hair, then left, following behind the striding Lady Jian. The shop seemed to have emptied slightly, got quieter in the short time she was in the dressing room and with a quick glance across the room, she saw the familiar shape of Liu Shan, talking to yet another shop attendant as though they had been friends for a long time. The female attendant seemed to be gushing over him, an eager grin on her face as she leaned onto crossed arms but Liu Shan did not seem to notice. For some strange reason, Xingcai felt relieved he didn't notice her flirting.

"Ahem," Lady Jian coughed loudly.

Both the shop attendant and Liu Shan turned, the former more shocked than the latter. "Oh, Lady Jian. Xingcai. Are you two done?" He asked.

"Wouldn't be here if I wasn't." Lady Jian grinned.

"It seems to be the case." Xingcai turned to Lady Jian. "Now about the cut of the dress—"

She shook her head. "Not. A. WORD of it, my lady. I'll decide on the cut and the cloth."

"F-for her?! B-but you never make dresses any—" The shop attendant was cut short by lady Jian giving her a harsh glare.

"Well I make exceptions, Jingyi." She turned back to Xingcai with a smile. "Now surely you would love two dresses that are a bit different. One casual, one formal?"

"Uh…" was all that Xingcai was capable of saying.

"That's a yes." Liu Shan placed a hand on Xingcai's shoulder, leaning forward. "We'll take it. One robe and two dresses."

"Of course, _my emperor_ " cooed Jingyi, to the disgust of Xingcai.

It was a quick manner of paying for the dresses. Despite Xingcai insisting on paying for her share, Liu Shan intervened and paid before Xingcai could even extract out her wallet. The pair left the establishment, waving goodbye to the Lady Jian, and shortly entered the carriage.

Scenery passed by, small buildings made way for larger, quaint homes replaced by ornate housing. The smell of meatbuns drifted away as they too drifted away and the trip back was blissfully uneventful and yet Xingcai couldn't help but think the trip back seemed so much longer. When she wasn't peering outside, she was looking at Liu Shan peering out himself, a calm emotionless expression ever present on his face. Xingcai was surprised she didn't notice how he looked in these quiet moments, the slow and slight inhales from his nostrils, the rise and fall of his chest, the way his head leant on his hand, curious but ultimately bored. Every time she managed to unglue her gaze from him, it took more and more effort to **not** look at him and the opal eyes that seemed to shine in the afternoon light.

The carriage suddenly shook, rocking the pair left and right before settling. She heard a short, sharp exclamation come from Liu Shan, and she turned to him.

"What's wrong, my lord?"

"Ah, it's nothing, my…robe just got stuck."

"Then let me help—" For a split second, she saw Liu Shan's bare shoulder as he tugged the robe back into place. Hideous green and purple on pale skin. The sight of a large, painful bruise. But it was only for a moment, and Liu Shan seemed to have paid no heed to the curious expression that came upon her face. Instead she just sat there, gazing at his shoulder. _When did he…?_

"Oh dear, I shouldn't be so clumsy, getting my robe stuck on the door. That must have been what almost unrobed me." He smiled, a little too wide. "I can be such a fool sometimes."

She is silent for a second, thinking whether or not she should bring it up. Instead she decides not to mention it. "I suppose you can be sometimes, my lord…" and no more was said for the entire trip.

She could only imagine the relief Liu Shan felt when the carriage inevitably pulled up beside the stables, so quickly did he remove himself from the carriage's cabin to the surprise of the attendants desperately trying to move away from the bounding Liu Shan who practically pushed himself off the carriage. She could only shake her head as she slowly and carefully made her way down onto solid ground. She would be lying if she herself wasn't glad for the silence earlier, but still the question lay in the air, still but suffocating. She wondered if Liu Shan felt it too. He may be foolish sometimes but there was no way he didn't see that she noticed the bruise.

"So, I would say that was a successful day of shopping." Liu Shan hummed, his shoes echoing on the hard floors of the palace. "I cannot wait to see you in a tailored dress, Xingcai. I'm sure it will be spectacular."

"You give me too much credit, my lord. A single dress will not change my life." He opened his mouth to reply but she cut in. "Nor will two, on that count."

"Aw, but you don't know that. Maybe it will." He chuckled, "Maybe she'll add in hidden pockets for weapons, or sleeves that have knives hidden inside that spring on your enemy."

Xingcai remembered Lady Jian's words and how she said herself she would make a dress to kick ass with. It made Xingcai consider the possibility that Lady Jian might actually do that. After all, she IS familiar with Liu Shan. "I don't think a dress would have any space for anything more than a dagger. And surely sleeves like that don't exist." _Though I wouldn't mind having some for the future_ she inwardly admitted.

"Oh trust me, Xingcai, sleeves with hidden knives exist. I've seen those before."

Xingcai glanced at the bulky sleeves of Liu Shan. She did always think they seemed a bit too…big. Even for a winter coat. _Maybe he…not possible_. Liu Shan secretly having a dagger in his sleeves seemed a bit too farfetched.

"So where are we heading, my lord?" She changed the subject.

"Oh?" He blinked twice. "I was following you, actually. Well, I say that but to be honest I do not have anything today. Apart from training and the 'lessons'," Xingcai scoffed, "I really do not have anything. And we still have a half hour, do we not? Maybe we can go get some tea before we start, hmm?"

The words came out before she could even think about the consequences, a first for her.

"Then follow me then." She said, as she led him down a different pathway.

Inside the physician's office, it was empty, which was especially unusual. For here was the place that all nobles and castle guardsmen, Xingcai included, were to come if they were injured or sick, where the castle physicians would attend to their patients with a variety of balms, ointments and cures. These cures were all displayed neatly and in order, labeled with symbols on a table at the far side of the room. There were a few desks and a few beds but aside from that, it was rather stark compared to the grandeur of the other rooms of the palace. It didn't help that with the sun facing away from them and only a single window for light, the room was much darker than the rest of the palace.

"What are we doing here, Xingcai? The physician must be out. Perhaps we should come here another time."

"Sit." She commanded, pointing to a bed nearby the lone window.

He hesitated, a flurry of conflicting emotions bubbling to the surface but he nods, slowly sitting himself down at the edge of the bed.

Xingcai used this time to go to the desk full of balms and ointments and looked through them. She knew that many of the balms were coded but because of this, it was difficult to find the one she was looking for, many of the characters were completely foreign and unfamiliar to her.

"What's going on?" He asked quietly. "D-do you need any help?"

She said nothing as she continued to look over the different vials and jars until she finds one that looks familiar. She opened it slightly, took a sniff and instantly recoiled, quickly putting it back in its rightful place. "That's not the one." She muttered to herself.

"What are you looking for?" A second passed before he added, "Are you sure you do not require my assistance?"

"Quite." She found another jar with a similar character, opened it and sniffed it like she did with the previous jar. It was a biting smell, bitter and it made her want to wrinkle her nose. But it held the earthy afterscent of roots. This was what she was looking for, and promptly, she took the jar and set it beside Liu Shan.

He looked at it curiously, squinting to look at the label. "What is this?"

"Medicine."

"I mean, what is it called? What is it for?"

"I do not know its name but my mother used it to rebalance the Yin in my body." Liu Shan tilted his head, eyebrows raised curiously. "You know I do not believe in superstitions like chakra balances and all. But it's good for bruises."

The smirk fell from his face. "Wait, bruises?"

Xingcai nodded. "Which is why I am going to ask you to take off your robe, my lord."

"M-my ROBES?!" He stared at her with horror, face dropping to the floor. "D-do not worry about me, I am not injured! Is this about yesterday? This must be about yesterday, Xingcai. I have already told you that I am fine."

"Take. Off. Your robes."

"But—"

"You still have pants on, it is not like I am asking you to be nude, my lord!"

"It sure sounded like you were." He held tight the ends of his robes defensively. "I-if this is your way of coming onto me—"

"I-it's not like that!" She turned, rouge tinting her cheeks. "Look, I…I know you are injured, lord Liu Shan. And it is my duty to serve and protect you. Just let me do my job." She huffed.

Silence. His shoulder slumped. "I'm not very comfortable with this." He admitted.

"If you think that I will stare and judge your body then take that assumption out of your mind. I have seen many a man walk around shirtless." She then added, slightly more sympathetic in tone, "I will not stare. This is just medicine. One friend to another."

He nodded slowly, head turned away from her. "One friend to another…" He mumbled as he loosened the belt around his waist and pulled the robe off his body.

In a manner of seconds, Xingcai had already broken her promise to not stare.

She was always under the assumption that Liu Shan was rather thin and wiry in frame but to say that about him was only partially true. He WAS thin but it was mostly seen in his silhouette. His upper arms and shoulders were much meatier however and were much more muscular in shape and utility. His lower arms were not as well built as his upper arms but in a way, they were a good contrast with his hands that, Xingcai noticed for the first time ever, were much bigger than hers. Her eyes inevitably drifted downwards and she sucked in a bit of air at the sight of his torso. It was faint but there was no denying that his abdominal muscles were developing, and nicely too if she were to admit to herself. Xingcai couldn't help thinking to herself that if she were to concentrate more on core training then maybe she could use the training as an excuse to give herself one more look. But it wasn't his physique that took most of Xingcai's attention. Not only did he have the massive bruise on his shoulder but also his body was filled with small but numerous scars, dotting themselves most often at his wrists and stomach.

"Y-you're staring." He protested quietly, but Xingcai did not hear him, did not register her words.

She studied each of these scars, some were tinted red and contrasting to the pale skin while others were almost skin colour, a slight aberration the only indicator of its presence, The accumulation of months, no, years worth of scars. And their similar shape, their similar size, they all must have came from the same source. They were all scratches, deep enough to scar but shallow enough to not do harm.

"Xingcai…"

One of the scars caught her attention, the first one she saw. A long, almost horizontal line through his side that only seemed to have begun the process of healing recently. It was longer than the others, a more severe wound but it was still only a cut from what she could see, nothing that needed immediate attention.

"Xingcai." He said, a little louder.

Her eyes drift back to the massive bruise in its greenish-purplish glory. It covered most of his shoulder, tainting the whiteness of his skin. But it was strangely attractive, the way it traveled all the way from the base of his neck to his shoulder joint like it was a tattoo made up that way. Before she even realized it, she held her palm to its surface, caressing it, massaging it.

Liu Shan hissed suddenly in pain and Xingcai, now seeing the pain it was causing recoiled almost immediately. She couldn't help but feel as though she was the one that was hurt, not him. What is this feeling inside her body building up? Why is she staring at him so intently when she's seen more well-built bodies? Why did she like the feel of his skin and the surprising coarseness to its delicate look?

"Xingcai."

"My…my lord." She bowed with shame. "Th-that was improper. Very improper."

"Just…" He winced again as he put his own hand to his shoulder. "Please. Get this done with already."

"O-of course."

She opened the jar, takes the substance into her hands and rubs it quickly, vigorously onto his shoulder. He squinted but he made no sound, only a slight tremble from her touch. It must be painful, she thought.

"I should warn you, this balm will sting in a minute. It'll make you feel like you're burning."

Liu Shan grimaced as she touched a sensitive spot, "I'll handle it when that time comes."

Xingcai stopped to acquire more balm, spreading it on his shoulder with the palm of her hand. "When did you get this bruise? Was it…yesterday?"

He looked down to the empty spot between her feet. "My own stupidity it might be but it's from a separate incident. I tripped and fell badly when I trained with Guan Ping. That's all." His lie was unbeknownst to Xingcai.

"And the scars?" He moved her hand in a circular motion. Clear trails of where the balm was can now be seen. It needs to be spread thinner.

"Nothing," he said too quickly. "Just my own clumsiness."

"Mmhmm…" She hummed suspiciously. The balm was starting to dry. The screaming should occur any second now. "I do not think you are so clumsy to get so many scratches at so many different times. Something happened to you. Repetitively. What is it?"

"I do not know what you A-ARE T-talking a-about!" He flinched, teeth gritted as the burning sensation of the balm started. But apart from the flinching and the slight inflection in his voice, he did nothing more. It was only when she looked at his knuckles, white from him squeezing his fists too hard, that she knew that he was hiding it well. Better than well, in fact. She had done this to her brother and father before and they were howling like wolves. Either Liu Shan had better pain tolerance or her family were all wusses.

Considering last night, the bloodied sword in his hand and the lack of hesitation, both possibilities seemed equally likely in her mind.

"What have you been doing, my lord?" She stood, taking the jar back to the desk, body faced away from him. "What are you doing to yourself?" She said quieter as she placed the jar into its original position.

"It's…it's not something you need to concern yourself with." He sighed. "I have to deal with this."

She stared at the wall in front of her. "Alone?"

"…yeah, it is probably foolish to do it alone."

"Perhaps" is all Xingcai could say. She wished there was a balm that could heal scars as fast as it did for bruises but she knew nothing like that existed. Not for physical scars, not for mental scars.

"…Xingcai, I..." he sighed dejectedly. "Come here, please. I will tell you."

She turned to see his morose expression, pitiful, sad. It was not new to her, the self-doubt he displayed sometimes. It still hurts though whenever she saw it.

Slowly she walked over, standing in front of him once again. His head was between his knees and whatever life he had in his body seemed to have disappeared. "I'm listening." She whispered.

He looked up to her and in his eyes she saw only darkness. Black and lifeless like coal. "…I sometimes practice by myself in the morning. My sword techniques, that is. But every time I try I mess up somehow. Either I hit a tree by accident and it bounces back to me or I trip and cut myself or sometimes it's from something foolish like a paper cut trying to learn how to sharpen the blade or me gripping the sword wrong. Every single time it goes wrong."

"So then why do you continue to practice?" She said softly. _Without me_ , she wanted to add.

"I don't know." He hand waved away. "Fools like me do not know when to quit, I suppose. Or maybe I just do not want to disappoint…" he trailed off but she knew there was something more.

"Disappoint who?"

"…I also don't know that. Sometimes I do not know what I fear more: disappoint my father, myself or…" He glanced away. "…or you, Xingcai."

She stared ahead at the window in front of her. The sun is setting and the sky is turning into a purple not unlike the colour of his bruise. "You shouldn't worry about disappointing me, Lord Liu Shan."

"Why not?"

"Because in all the time I've known you, you haven't disappointed me."

He blinked, facing up to meet her face. As streams of light from the waning dusk finally entered the room, so too did it bring back the traces of light in Liu Shan's face and the slight glow in his eyes. "What do you mean?" He asked softly.

"Your weakness was always technique, my lord, not power or speed. In a way, you are fortunate because you have a weakness that can be improved upon. Others are not always that lucky. And when you fight, you are like wind, ever changing and rarely predictable. You are easily one of the fastest soldiers I know, and that is all the more impressive considering the limited time you have had for training. If you stop tripping, you can run faster than the wind too, my lord, I am sure of it."

She turned her gaze down to his chest and she gets the urge to put her hand on his chest and feel his heartbeat. When she fed the hunger and placed it on his skin, he recoils slightly again, but it is not the kind of recoil from pain. He felt warm, inviting as though all skin she had touched before was akin to dead flesh.

"N-no." He whispered.

"And even though it takes a lot to convince you to commit, when you do commit you can do anything. Climb mountains, swim against the current, hold the kingdom in one hand. I know there is a part of you that is untouched, a part of you with incredible power to shape the world around us and I know you can control it."

She could feel his body heat rising and it seemed to be having an effect on her. Her eyes are lidding, her lips pursing slightly. She wants to be closer, feel more of the heat radiating from him because all of a sudden, despite it being a warm spring, all of a sudden it felt cold. He was the only heat source. It took incredible willpower to prevent anything more from happening and yet there is this low hum somewhere in the body that is threatening to overtake her.

"P-p-please, X-Xingcai." His voice was shaking uncontrollably, but it wasn't from sadness. Rather, it sounded more like he was in indescribable pain, all from the soft contact of her hand on his chest. Something stirs in her chest, something that is fluttering and floating in that space.

"And now I see your body and what is capable of now. A thin figure that is probably not easy to gain muscle with but you already have strong shoulders and triceps, no easy feat for anyone, I can assure you. Your skin may bruise easy but it is tough and…your hands…"

He took both of his hands and stacked them atop of her hand upon his chest. He gazed at her, eyes half lidded, his mouth slightly ajar. "Stop." He pushed her hand away from his chest. "That is enough." He whispered.

But it was not enough for Xingcai. All of a sudden, the warmth was taken away from her and she hugged her body yet it still felt cold. She shivered. "You are strong, lord Liu Shan. More than you give yourself credit for."

He grimaced. "Maybe so. But I still have a long way to go." He grabbed the robe beside him.

"Then I'll support you along the way." She offered a hand to help but he shook his head and put it on himself.

Liu Shan quickly dressed up and just as soon as the belt was tied around his waist, he stood. He smiled a simple smile, quite unlike the ones he had given her in the past but it spoke plenty. She liked Liu Shan. Liked that he could confide in her like that and still smile through it all. In a way, she was envious. She only wished that she could smile so easily.

Suddenly, a chuckle cuts the air, hearty and warm.

"What's so funny?" She asked.

"Oh, nothing. I just realized that it's quite late." A cheeky smirk arose. "I don't think we have time for either of our lessons, don't we?"

"Well, now that I know you practice sometimes in the morning, perhaps I can make an alternative arrangement."

"Now hold on, Xingcai. I just…realized how so very tired I am." His smile grew. "I don't think I would recover for a while."

Despite herself, she couldn't help but laugh. "That excuse will not work anymore. I'm expecting you tomorrow morning before breakfast at the usual grounds."

One corner of his mouth tilted upwards. "Fine," He said. "But what about _your_ lesson, Xingcai? However are you going to repay me back for your missed lesson?" He put a hand thoughtfully on his chin. "Don't tell me you plan to use this as an excuse to _skip out_ , are we now?"

She wouldn't be lying if she said she would prefer it if he forgot today. "I suppose it wouldn't be fair…what do you have in mind then?"

"I was just joking." He said. "You don't actually have to do anything."

Xingcai pulled her crossed arms tighter to her body. Her smile fell. "My lord."

"Alright, alright. I'll just tell you this: us men, we are horrible at admitting our mistakes. I do not think it will win many men over to tell them their mistakes."

She smirked, "And yet you are so quick to put yourself down."

"Well I'll tell you a secret." Liu Shan walked up closer to her. "Admitting your faults and your mistakes, they are not the same thing for us."

She wanted to reply but suddenly she felt that she was being choked in his closeness and the air around him. She could smell the balm on him, he was that close but yet there was another fragrance, something smooth and decadent. Like ash but refined, and intermingled with the balm, it left a rather unusual scent.

Xingcai decided then at the point of time that she liked that unusual scent. A lot. A bit…too much.

"It's late." She said quickly, taking a step back. "Dinner must be soon and you wouldn't want me to bother you much more. I should…take my leave."

His eyes widen. "O-of course, I'm sorry." He guided her to the exit, a hand on her back pushing her forward. Despite being clothed again, the heat she felt from him persisted. "Keeping you in here for so long, how rude of me. W-we should go. The physicians could come back any second now."

Xingcai wondered why the physician was gone for so long but decided that they probably were on call. She was glad that no one came in to interrupt the two of them. With haste, she walked slightly faster, pulled open the door and exited, Liu Shan shortly behind her.

The two just stood there. Silent. Unmoving. An air of malaise suddenly swept her. Like there was so much more to say and yet nothing was coming out.

"I should…go, my lord." Stupid, STUPID. "I'm half certain my mother has something up her sleeve. I-I should go."

"Y-yes!" He blinked. "I…I was going to ask if you want dinner." He chuckled nervously. "But you must go back to your family. They must be waiting for you. I'll see you tomorrow. U-unless you would rather take a break, that is."

"Tomorrow." She bowed. "I'll…yes, tomorrow." She turned on her foot and quickly walked away, not wanting to stay for Liu Shan's reply.

It was only when she sped walk home that she was aware of the thumping rhythm of her heart. Louder, faster, and stronger, it pulsated from her body all of a sudden, like an adrenaline rush. And yet she felt tired. And cold. Logically, she should be warmer if her heartbeat is faster and yet she is cold. Like her body is in shock.

She conjured an image in her mind of Liu Shan and his arms around her, the heat from his body an orange trail she sees zip from his arms into hers, travelling to the centre of her body, dissipating where her heart is. It warmed her. He warmed her. And when she finally returned home, her mother asking the usual "how was your day", she replied, with a brilliant smile, "I had a very good day, mother". Her mother would gesture for her to sit at the chair and Xingcai would relay the story of her day, withdrawing the events at the physician's and the secret Liu Shan told her. Those moments, she decided, were for her alone.


	7. The mask will crack

_Can I get a HOO YEAH 'cause I am BACK and DAMN did I MISS THE DW9 ANNOUNCEMENT?! As much as I love the rapier, I really do hope the bench becomes the new default weapon for 9 because DAMN it is fun and who doesn't want to see a guy get kicked into the milky way? (MILKY WAY!)_

_Meanwhile, I've been having a bit of fun sending random stuff as Liu Shan and it kinda kick-started my roleplaying drive. So if you feel that random urge to just pester the emperor of China from 1800 years ago, I still occassionally go to my tumblr blog thekingofsadness. Doesn't matter if you do or don't like him (because I obviously do), you can send in hate stuff for him. Just as long as it's not directed at me. Liu Shan has to suffer after all. So yeah, check me out and if you like you can also ask me any author questions if you don't feel comfortable doing it here._

_Next two chapters I got a bit more of a gameplan on so hopefully they should not take too long. So as always, SEND IN REVIEWS GUYS ON ANY RANDOM DETAIL OR STUFF! They REALLY motivate me to continue on with this and maybe ACTUALLY finish something! Whoo, that's a first XD_

_The drill is that I don't own DW, KoeiTecmo, Liu Shan, Xingcai, my sim card, this website, nor do I own the largest cheese factory in Europe. The drill is in fact a tool or machine with a rotating cutting tip or reciprocating hammer or chisel, used for making holes. It's also Deng Ai's weapon. This has been another random fact from your writer, Alphawave_

Chapter 7: The mask will crack

Liu Shan had been expecting nightmares. He's heard the stories of the other soldiers and their first kill. The first night after will be filled with nightmares, maybe even a couple more nights after that. And eventually, if you don't get over it, you learn to cope with the horror. And yet why? Why is it that when he goes to sleep, waiting for the nightmare to begin, does he dream of her?

He stood in an empty void of black, the only illumination a spotlight directly overhead. Another spotlight comes on a small distance away. Enter Xingcai. She walked to him, the spotlight following her until the two lights merge into one, Xingcai standing only a few centimeters apart. She's so close that he could almost feel the warmth of her skin, could imagine the scent she bared, a girlish flowery aroma. It's one that he remembered ever since he whispered into her ear on that first 'test' she had, one that hadn't been forgotten. Not even in the dream world. It's different from what he expected. But he liked it.

Suddenly her hands were around his shoulders, her eyes half-lidded in nervousness and excitement, trepidation and thrill. He knew that it was a dream so he took the chance, placed his arms around her waist and pulled her in closer, tighter. She squealed in surprise and delight, a sinful smirk on her face as she pressed her body closer to him. The air was suffocating of her and he loved it. She leaned forward, he complying likewise. His heartbeat pounded in his chest; surely hers was doing the same.

" _Liu Shan_ " she whispered with an insatiable desire. Her lips pursed and she leaned forward and he leaned forward. His eyes close and their heads almost reached, a little more. Just a little more…

Then nothing. He heard the kiss, could feel the pressure but he felt nothing.

"Lord Liu Shan?"

Suddenly he was back in the physician's office sitting with the sunlight on his back sitting on the cheap and dirty bed, a perfect recreation of dusk and the events that transpired in this room earlier that day. Xingcai stood before him, leaning slightly towards him, a hand to his heart and another to his face. He could feel her hand on his chest but not on his face.

"What are…you wearing?" She asked softly.

He placed a hand on his face and took a sharp intake of air. On his face was a mask. But instead of surprise, he felt annoyance. It was this dream again. He knew what would happen: he takes the mask off and she flees in disgust. He should've known this dream would not end well. It's like he does not deserve a happily ever after

"…a mask." He said bluntly.

"Why? What are you hiding?"

"A greater scar than the one you saw on me today." He said with great lament.

"Then show me your real face." She whispered. "Show me the real you."

With that innocent tone, there was no way he could refuse. His fingers search for the base around his neck and slid the fingers of one hand underneath. The other hand grasped the edge, trying to pull it over his head. But this time, it was with great difficulty. Like the mask was stuck on him. The stupid, ugly, disgusting mask he was wearing is stuck. Then, without warning, he felt softer hands ease the mask off. The two pairs of hands together place the mask on the bed beside them. Xingcai was now on his lap all of a sudden.

"What…what is that?" Fear tinted in her voice.

But Liu Shan had no answer. The one recurring theme about this dream was that he himself never knew what was behind his mask. Was it his face, or was it something else? He tried to will his hand to touch his face but found that it would not respond to his commands. All he could do was stare at Xingcai in worry.

_Don't be afraid_ is what he wanted to say, but the words would not flow, his voice escaping him at his most critical moment. It was inevitable. Like every other time he got this dream, Xingcai would back away in disgust and leave him forever, the lights going out so that it is pitchblack all around him and his body, unmoving, could only sit there, the lights slowly dimming like a stage play ,waking up with the burning image of Xingcai, fearful and disgusted. He waited, waited for the inevitable.

Except it did not happen. What seemed like a minute in this dream has passed and she was still there, staring at him with curious eyes.

"You're afraid, aren't you?" She whispered.

"…yes." He said.

"You're afraid that I will not love you once the mask is off."

"You never loved me. You'll be married soon, I'll probably become betrothed to some simple, obedient woman shortly after, and you will never know how much I love you."

"Are you sure?"

He did not respond.

"You underestimate yourself, my lord." An unfamiliar voice called out.

Xingcai is replaced by a familiar female figure. Draped in white, a voice as smooth as honey and a smile more genuine than anything he could muster. She changed position on his lap, looking more like a child on the lap of her parent than a fully-grown adult on the lap of the man of her affections. She tilted her head lovingly but at the sight, he moaned.

"Great." He mumbled at the sight. "I'm dreaming of you now."

The figure only smiled. "You know she is softening. And you know it's all because of you."

His lips pulled into a thin line. "Maybe. But just because she is softening doesn't mean anything. In three weeks time, everything will change. She'll be betrothed, she'll prepare for her wedding and she won't be by my side anymore."

"My lord." She cooed, soft hands untying his hair ribbon. Locks of ebony cascaded down onto his shoulders. "A home cannot grow without family. A family cannot grow without a home."

"What does that mean?"

She took a fistful of her hair and stroked it affectionately. "It means you have my blessing."

Suddenly, she was alight, aflame. Light struck from every surface of her body, an eerie glow enveloping her whole, section by section. But he just sat there. And she smiled. The smile that meant that everything was alright, that she had forgiven.

"Goodbye, my husband."

He awoke with a gasp, sweat dripping from his body as the early dawn light hit his bedroom and his face. And sadly like many dreams, whatever he was told was quickly forgotten. The only recollection of the dream he had was of Xingcai's face so close to his own and the image of his deceased wife, pale and aglow in the very dress he buried her in.

* * *

Liu Shan did not forget his new morning training with Xingcai. He waited patiently in the training grounds, prepared. His training sword was by his side and, when he did not see her, brought her practice sword and shield too. He waited for half an hour, decided it was probably best to get a bit of a headstart with his own personal training, and half an hour after that, she arrived.

She seemed slightly surprised that he was the first one there, and when he told her he waited for an hour, her surprise grew.

"I must say, I am impressed, my lord. Practicing this early in the morning is not an easy thing to will yourself to do but it is vital for fitness. Even I do not practice so early in the morning."

"Well I'll admit, under normal circumstances I'd probably only arrive here about now but I woke early this morning."

"Oh? Was it a good dream or a bad dream then?

"What makes you say that?"

"Only a really bad or good dream would be able to wake **you** from your slumber."

He chuckled but already, it sounded strained and fake today. This was not a good sign. "Well, I had both a good and bad dream mixed into one. Heh, I even saw your sister in there."

"…oh." Her voice got low all of a sudden. "I see."

_It's still a touchy subject, isn't it_ he thought. "Y…yeah, she…that was the first time I dreamt about her." _After she died,_ he didn't add. She probably got the connotation.

"…ah." Her eyes clouded over in a dark emotion, and with it, the ever growing fog of malaise. She frowned slightly, clutching her body protectively. She was remembering her sister again. He had to change the subject, and quickly too.

"I…think we should start training. Right, Xingcai?"

Her eyes widen and she shook her head. She seemed to be back to her same, stoic self. "O-of course, my lord. We should begin."

The training was different from the other times he had to endure before. Xingcai took a different, hands-off approach, letting Liu Shan do the routine he regularly did by himself with her only interjecting to adjust him slightly. A small shift of his left leg to balance weight, a tighter grip, this training was more about smoothing over small problems than it was learning a new routine. In a way, Liu Shan preferred this. He certainly didn't like it **just** because Xingcai has to come in so close to correct him he could smell her floral fragrance. And once or twice, he caught a stray smile on her and he couldn't help but smile too. Maybe it was the fact that she seemed more comfortable with him, or was he more comfortable with her? Either way, there certainly was something different and he liked the change.

Time seemed to have flow by, the call of breakfast was close as the sun sailed higher in the sky by the time they had finished and packed away their weapons. A sheen layer of perspiration clung to his forehead.

"Whoo," He said with flushed cheeks. "I think I did OK for once."

Xingcai smiled, "Your effort was not wasted today. So I say you did pretty good so far."

"I think I need to clean up a bit before I go to breakfast. I have quite a schedule for today. Rather important, I think." He wiped the sweat off his forehead.

She frowned. "If your schedule is busy, my lord, does that mean you require my presence?"

"No. Why do you ask?"

She crossed her arms defensively. "It's nothing. If my lord needs me then surely they will understand."

"Come now," He smiled sympathetically. "What is the matter? Do you have any plans today?"

"N-nothing at all." She said with a grimace. She really was not good at lying. "My duty is to you, my lord. If this is so important then it is only right that I stay by your side."

He chuckled. "You sound like you'd **prefer** to watch me all day."

"Having to choose between going on a date set up by my mother and making sure you do not get yourself killed? I prefer the latter."

_A…date?_ It was only for a split second but he was shocked. Through willpower alone was he able to pull back the simple smile he wore. "Was that so embarrassing to tell me?"

"It's not that it's embarrassing," she said, even though her cheeks were pink, "but it is bad timing. I was hoping that after last time I'd…catch a break."

"Don't we all." He couldn't help but grumble to himself, quickly switching back to his smile afterwards. "Ah but Xingcai! Isn't this good? I'm sure whomever your mother choose is vastly better than what I would pick. She would never choose someone horrid for her daughter."

"Perhaps but…look, my lord, she knows of the incident with lord Bu Zhuo. She knows of his misdeeds against you, the threats against me. What he could've done had he decided to kidnap me instead…"

"You weren't the only one he betrayed, you know. I trusted him." That was what he wanted to say. Tell her about how he had dined with him, heard the stories of his crumbling marriage and his wife's affairs. How he hoped his children wouldn't have to suffer for his mistakes. They had even shared wine together, as friends. But he said none of this, frowning slightly as his only reply.

"…so do you think I should go through with this, Lord Liu Shan? The…blind date, I mean."

He blinked. "Blind date? You mean your mother has not told you who you are meeting?"

"Not personally. But my mother claims it is a family friend of hers…from Wei."

His mouth was agape. "The ambassador!" He suddenly remembered something important. Why did he just remember this NOW?!

"Who?"

"Oh, I'm sorry! It's…hopefully it's a coincidence but you just reminded me, we have an ambassador, an envoy from Wei coming today! Oh, I must hurry, Jiang Wei will kill me!" Liu Shan paced back and forth on the ground. Oh gods he needed to remember, he said he'd meet Jiang Wei first thing in the morning! But where in heaven's name were they supposed to meet?

"Wait, what?!" Her eyes were wide. "W-when? Not tomorrow?!"

"Today! This afternoon! Oh heavens I need to go!" He ran, one two three, but quickly turned back. "Uh, Xingcai, you are excused for today. And um…g-good luck with your date."

He quickly rushed off, not finishing his sentence and not waiting to hear whatever it was that Xingcai might've said.

Fortunately after much running (stopping only for a passing Zhuge Liang) he arrived on time at the grand study, the main study for the royal scholars and scribes where all the records of the kingdom were kept. A place of infinite knowledge and information, all at the hands of those smart and capable enough to decipher its secrets. Which is why Liu Shan made it one of the first things in his reign to do was to make sure he limited what secrets could be told here in the first place. And with guards at every entrance, it was a very secure area, only few having the ability to access the study. And as the assortment of guards parted to allow him in, an exasperated Jiang Wei by the desk opposite sighed in relief.

"My lord! There you are! I was worried you would forget as usual."

Liu Shan too let out a big breath but unlike Jiang Wei, it was from exhaustion. "I almost did, I admit, but I rushed here as fast as I could."

"I can tell, my lord, you look rather flushed." The corners of his lips tightened. "Do you…require a break?" He gestured to the seat opposite him.

Liu Shan was only too eager to cross the small distance and plop down onto the chair, groaning as he felt the burdens on his muscles lessen.

"Did you have training this morning, my lord?" Jiang Wei could only raise a curious eyebrow.

"Of a sort," Moaned the emperor. Not likely that Jiang Wei was going to believe that he was pushed this far to exhaustion without the constant nagging of Xingcai. More so than the fact this was mostly self-inflicted.

Jiang Wei frowned in concern. "So did that mean you were training earlier or…n-nevermind, that is beside the point. There are more pressing issues with today's _special guest_."

Oh Liu Shan knew the look in Jiang Wei's eyes, how the strategist leaned in, eagerly expecting an answer. It just made playing the idiot all the more fun. A small 'reward' for being so diligent up until now. "A guest? Oh, whoever could it be? Is that why you called me so early in the morning?"

Jiang Wei shook his head with a frown. "Honestly, my lord," a hand went through the locks on his forehead. "Do you not remember me telling you about the diplomat from Wei?"

"No," Liu Shan lied with a placid smile. "You must have told me so long ago."

"But it was only yesterday."

"Well, my memory is quite bad. I apologise for my forgetfulness."

As much as Liu Shan trusted Jiang Wei as a friend, he had to admit: Jiang Wei was such an **easy** target to play these mind games on. The fact that Jiang Wei had even less of a clue than everybody else in the kingdom just made it all the more hilarious. But the games have to stop eventually lest he incur the strategist's displeasure.

"My lord." Jiang Wei shook his head, trying to get his wits back. "It does not matter. That is what this meeting is about anyway. I have a plot to make sure we can gain the upper hand against Wei and Jin."

"Plot?" Asked Liu Shan, showing genuine confusion. "Are we not just discussing politics? You are not suggesting anything _untoward_ the diplomat?"

"N-no, I would not do such a thing, of course! That would ruin the peace we have at the moment." Jiang Wei rubbed his temples with one hand. "No, I've got a more 'classified' plan, my lord. One that requires you and your discretion."

Liu Shan played with one of his bangs, coiling it around his finger in mock amusement. Inside his mind however, he was already taking notes. Jiang Wei never asked him to be alone for any sort of strategy, and certainly not ones that involved him directly. Either Jiang Wei trusted him a lot or he was more foolish than Liu Shan himself supposedly was. Regardless, Liu Shan had to press this issue.

"What is it you require me to do? It won't be too hard, would it?" Liu Shan asked.

"No! …Well, maybe. I-I mean no! No! Rest assured it will not be too taxing on you per se, lord Liu Shan, but I do require some…finesse." Jiang Wei paused for a second. "Promise me you will keep this quiet."

Liu Shan grinned. "Of course. This all sounds quite interesting." One of the first truthful statements Liu Shan had said to Jiang Wei today.

"So to explain what you need to do I need to explain what happened. As you may know, the Cao and Sima clans are having a civil dispute inside Wei, causing a split of two factions. Wei and Jin, as they so call it. And I do not know if you remember this but Cao Rui and Sima Yi are having a rivalry for the throne. Scouts suggest that there need only be a small push and the kingdom will be struck by a civil war…oh, sorry, my lord. This must be a bit fast for you."

It was so PAINFULLY obvious in this time of war even to a simple farmhand that he REALLY had to be the most ignorant person in the world to not know this. Cao Rui had the opposite reputation of Liu Shan: capable but extremely opulent, spending his fortune on women and palaces. And it was understandable that his vassal, Sima Yi, would only see this sign of weakness as a way to take over the throne for himself. And now with two factions, Wei and Jin, it was only a matter of time before they butted heads. And in that confusion, Shu can counter attack, take the prime territory of Wei. With Wu having its own civil war right now, it's unlikely that Wu will have the expendable resources to mount a successful attack.

But Liu Shan would not say any of this, of course. Times like this, it was better to feign ignorance. Sometimes it helped playing the idiot.

"So Wei and Jin are fighting? Is that so?" He leaned back on his seat, crossing his arms behind his head.

Jiang Wei looked confused. "Well…yes. That IS so. Which is why Wei was so eager to bring in a diplomat right now to our kingdom. Perhaps it is to form an alliance but I do not think that is what they plan. I suspect the diplomat is intent on making connections in Shu, befriending powerful people that could provide support should Wei go to war with Jin. And there is no one more powerful than you in the kingdom, lord Liu Shan."

"You flatter me, but surely they will not find much use in me, hmm? After all, even I know that my reputation inside and outside the kingdom is of rather ill-repute. And I do not normally see diplomats anyway except for when they arrive at the palace. Surely there is no benefit for us?"

Jiang Wei smirked. "But that is the thing, my lord! This gambit that Wei are playing, it can work for us as well. For you see, the diplomat in question is none other than Zhu Ling! It's Zhu Ling!"

…As much as Liu Shan liked to pretend he had no clue, this was apparently the one exception where his confusion was genuine.

"Zhu Ling?" Liu Shan asked, eyebrows raised.

"One of Cao Pi's marquis, and a capable general too I should add. He is one of the imperial envoys of Wei and thus is often the diplomat that arrives for talks between kingdoms."

"And why is he so important for this _plan_?"

"Because Cao Cao **hated** him, and from when I was there, Zhu Ling did not have many friends either. There have been rumours that he has been talking with the son of Sima Yi, Sima Zhao. If they are talking to each other, this means that Zhu Ling could potentially revolt against his lord. And you, my lord, you can charm this man, befriend him and get him to trust you! You plant the idea that being in Jin is much better and suddenly one of Wei's most loyal and powerful marquis goes to the opposite side. We create that civil war, Lord Liu Shan, and we use that war to conquer the kingdom!"

For a second Liu Shan was silent. "…You're…banking this entire plan on the possibility that a man like me can hope to befriend a diplomat from a different kingdom and get him to listen to what I say. The first person he'll distrust in this kingdom. Me, the fool."

"Come now, you are not a fool—"

"Even if that might be so," Liu Shan interrupted. "The other kingdoms have not had much opportunity to KNOW if I am a fool or not. Why must it be me?"

And to that, Jiang Wei replied with a sympathetic smile. "Your words touch hearts, my lord."

Liu Shan frowned.

"You have a silver tongue. Like magic, lord Liu Shan. You have the power to quiet even the most steadfast of hearts. So please. I implore you. Use that power for good. I know you can do it." Jiang Wei stood up, taking with him a small stack of scrolls under his arm. "I must be off, my lord, for I too am busy preparing for our guests from Wei. But you know, I must say you can be quite astute sometimes. For a so-called _fool_ , that is." Jiang Wei chuckled slightly as he walked away.

"W-wait, I never said I would do i—"

But Jiang Wei had already left the room. And even with Liu Shan's protest he knew he would do it anyway. As much as Liu Shan disliked the idea and all of the many, many ways it could be thwarted, surely Jiang Wei wasn't making such a crazy plan like that without making some other preparation. It gave the emperor some hope that the plan would succeed.

"Surely I can do this. Surely, Liu Shan." He leaned back on his chair, fingers tracing through his scalp. What did he get himself INTO?! "No. No bad thoughts. This is fine. I can pretend to tolerate the company of some egotistical general for the rest of the week. I can pull off this **stupid** plan! This will do."

_"_ _You have my blessing_."

Suddenly, Liu Shan slammed his head onto the desk with a thud. The dull pain gave some small comfort to him but still too little to sate him. Alone, with his bodyguards waiting for him outside, with precious few minutes to himself, he allowed a morose sigh.

"This is going to be the stupidest thing I've ever done." He groaned, but he didn't know if it was Jiang Wei's plan to try and befriend the diplomat or if it was him for accepting it that was more stupid.

So it was to come that in the afternoon, with the sun's brilliance at its strongest that the Wei carriages arrived in the droves at the 'royal stables', so called because it was supposed to be for the emperor and his family's use only but has since been used almost exclusively as a fancy runway into the palace for the guests considered 'honourable' (dangerous) and 'revered' (lots of money). And from the royal stables will be a long, winding but intricately decorated corridor leading to the throne room whereupon the guests will give their blessings and/or gift to the emperor, a thank you gift for their stay in the palace. Interior decorators had the job of making the palace look spotless and fancy in any way possible whilst simultaneously making it look like the palace was always decorated like this, which was usually not the case. Times like these made Liu Shan feel sorry for the artists and servants whose work live a week before being quickly removed, unappreciated and unloved.

It was not standard decorum for the emperor to be at the royal stables when the invited party arrives, and Liu Shan was not planning on breaking standard decorum just yet, but with the carriages just barely in sight, Liu Shan wanted this quick moment to take in the view. Despite the frenzy of the servants, he was calm, unmoving.

"Lord Liu Shan, we must go. The carriage is in sight, they'll be here any minute now, we should go back."

Liu Shan only continued to look up. "Don't you think they put too much green, Guan Ping? I mean, green IS the official colour of Shu but I don't know, I think it's a bit excessive. Maybe a hint of red or gold? Perhaps blue? Or would that clash?"

Guan Ping facepalmed. "Not this again." He grumbled, then, louder, "We can discuss the merits and detriments of the use of the colour green later, but right now we must go."

"If I must," Liu Shan sighed, taking one last glimpse at his surroundings before leaving, Guan Ping trailing slightly behind to his right. Servants rushed pass them in a whirlwind of activity to get the final details finished. Again, an excessive amount of green surrounded him. As much as Liu Shan liked green, he had to admit, he was starting to get sick of the colour.

He noticed Guan Ping catch up so that they were beside each other. The nervousness Guan Ping felt was obvious. "…So, Guan Ping, how ha—"

"Not until we get to the throne room."

"But—"

"First the throne room. Then we talk."

"Fine…" Liu Shan sighed as he walked past the garishly green decorations.

So it was when they got to the throne room and Liu Shan sat (at Guan Ping's insistence) did Liu Shan talk again. The only problem was that he had forgotten what he was gonna ask in the first place and just spouted whatever was in his head. "So, um…Xingcai is not here again."

Guan Ping frowned from the corner of Liu Shan's eyes. "She said she was busy with family matter." He added with a whisper, "I think it's a date that she got set up with."

"Ah." Liu Shan whispered with mock interest, as though he did not know himself. Why did he even ask in the first place? "That makes sense…"

Silence. The frenzied pace of the servants around them provided little distraction as Liu Shan sat and waited. He felt uncomfortable watching them. It made him want to help somehow even if he knew there was nothing else that could be done. It was frustrating.

Liu Shan turned to Guan Ping and suddenly a thought occurred to him. That all this time, even with his small gripes, Guan Ping stood strong and ready by his side. Always ready to risk his life for him, the useless emperor he is.

"Hey, um, Guan Ping?" He asked quietly.

Guan Ping did not turn his head. "What is it, Lord Liu Shan?"

"…thanks. For doing this again. I know with you in your dream position in the cavalry that you probably don't want to be babysitter for me. So thank you. Do not think I do not appreciate whatever assistance you give me."

It was only then that Guan Ping turned, smiling, however slightly. "Save it for Xingcai, my lord. I do this out of duty to her." He added, "And you know what?"

"What?"

"They REALLY need another colour other than green."

Liu Shan grinned. "That's what I was thinking!"

The two men quietly giggled but it was quickly broken by the sound of drums and gongs, instruments making their cacophony. The servants all stop, stare in horror at the main entrance, and quickly move to their positions, some lining the long carpet to the emperor's throne while others stood at the perimeter, waiting with food and tea or wine should it be requested. And then a single man strutted in and bowed in. With a clear voice, he shouted, "The royal envoy of the kingdom of Wei, Lord Zhu Ling. Accompanying him, general of the west Guo Huai and general Xiahou Ba and their servants."

No sooner was it said that a man strided down the carpet. Clad in dark clothing save for his purple scarf, he looked intimidating enough to the servants, all bowing their heads to hide the fear in their eyes. But it was the lack of emotion that seemed to drive people cowering whenever he made eye contact; one servant in the corner quivered before the dark man. Soon after speed walked the armour-clad Xiahou Ba, weapon sheathed but visible inside back sheath as he tried to catch up to his lord, with the final main guest the last to emerge, Guo Huai, trying to match Xiahou Ba's pace but stopped halfway down the carpet for a breather. He coughed, once in his hand and another on the servant he was leaning on to their horror, before jogging into position. The three, right at the steps to the throne, knelt with their heads down in respect.

A second passed before Liu Shan queues them to stand. Despite the menacing appearance of the three envoys, at least they were following protocol…well, except for the speedwalking and the coughing on a person's face. But at least Zhu Ling seemed to be following procedure. Not that Liu Shan cared for procedure much.

"You may speak." Liu Shan said with soft authority.

"Emperor of Shu, Lord Liu Shan, we thank you for you and your people so graciously greeting us here today. I do not feel more welcome." Zhu Ling spoke with clarity and rehearsed confidence. "As thanks for your benevolence and for your patronage in allowing us to stay in this, your hallowed palace, we offer you a gift. We hope you enjoy it."

With haste, a couple of Wei servants clad in dark blue and purple arrive. The servant leading the charge was much more finely dressed than the others and holds with him an ornate box. The Wei servants march down the carpet, stopping three steps away from Zhu Ling before kneeling and bowing themselves. Only the servant with the box did not bow yet, walking the three steps to place the box by Zhu Ling's side before stepping back and kneeling himself. Zhu Ling picked up the box and placed it in front of him. It took a coupe of seconds before Guan Ping's eyes widened as he realized he was to take the box and he quickly rushed down. Too late to rectify the breach of conduct for being so hasty to descend, the last few steps he took down the stairs, he walked down slowly. Liu Shan saw Guan Ping's blush as he returned and nervously placed it on Liu Shan's lap, shooting a nervous smile before he returned to his side.

Of course, this was all ceremony. Liu Shan would open the box, marvel at this 'wonderful and thoughtful' gift, and then the 'party' would begin, the servants handing out food and drink as everybody made merry. Still, Liu Shan always liked making a guessing game at what they would bring him. His experience so far has been that different envoys usually present what their lords expected and so far, the only clue he had was this box. It was rather large, this box, stretching to about as long as his forearm. And it was deep too. It must be something big. It couldn't be money so maybe jewelry? The finest robes the Wei kingdom has to offer? A placid smile was on his face as he carefully opened the lid to see only to find a mask.

"Huh?"

An ornate, jeweled mask, designed to cover the whole face except the eyes. Painted in swirling patterns of black and red interspersed with white, cherry lips and dark, dark eyes. Liu Shan could not help but stare at it. Save for the specific pattern and the addition of jewels, the mask looked almost exactly like the one in his dreams.

"…my lord?"

Liu Shan lifted the mask higher and traced the lips with his finger, expressionless. Bits of last night's dream resurfaced in his mind, of Xingcai taking this mask off, of recoiling in surprise at his unmasked self. If she saw this mask and how beautiful it was, how ugly must his true face be?

"Ahem," Jiang Wei cleared his throat by his side and whispered, "The gift? Your thanks?"

Liu Shan shook his head slightly and the soft smile returned. He faced Zhu Ling who was still awaiting his judgment. "Thank you for this gift. I have never seen such an ornate theatre mask like this one before." He clutched it closer to him. "I shall treasure such a magnificent gift such as this."

It was subtle but Liu Shan could spot the subtle relief as Zhu Ling stood. "Your gratitude means the world to me, my lord. I am glad you like it." And Liu Shan wished he was glad too but at the sight of the mask and the countless, similar dreams he's had with a mask so very similar, he had half a mind to smash it into pieces once he returns to his chambers.

Quickly after, the dancers came in, the sweeping sleeves swaying with their movements as they danced their way in from the side entrances. The music beat to drums and percussion, the musicians that were secretly set up in the corners of the room play their melody. The servants mobilized to hand out the snacks and wine and with that starts the 'party' part of the 'welcoming party'. The nobles begin chatting with the other Shu officials while at the other side of the room, the Wei servants are already dancing and singing along. Jiang Wei and Guan Ping were both initially hesitant to join in the festivities but by the second song, they are chatting and drinking respectively, a new lightness in their steps as their nervousness slowly dissipated. But last to move was Liu Shan. But for some reason he could not move even as one of the nobles asked him to join.

Smiling faces, that was what surrounded him. People being happy and joyful, no hatred or sadness or discrimination, it was the sign of a perfect party and that alone should have been enough to make him join in, be merry and forget the sadness of what was and what will be and just live the present. But he couldn't. The mask on his lap felt so very heavy. He traced the lips again, then the eyes, and as he held it, stared at its workmanship, a thought occurred to him. If he were to wear this, would he no longer become Liu Shan?

"My lord?"

Liu Shan raised his head, meeting Jiang Wei's gaze. "Hmm?"

"You're not joining in. It's rather…unusual for you, if I may say."

Liu Shan smirked slightly. "I suppose not. I guess I'm not in the mood."

"Oh…so does that mean you are not staying?"

Liu Shan paused to consider this. To be here where he was needed and wanted, or to find someplace he felt comfortable and happy. Right now, he preferred the latter. "I guess so. Not like my presence here will amount to much. Just tell the guests before the night ends that I give my warmest gratitude for their gift."

Jiang Wei nodded. "I should probably make Guan Ping stay with you but I probably know where you are going."

"Y-you are?!"

Jiang Wei laughed politely. "Just promise me you will return to your chambers soon. I do not want to risk your safety."

"I promise." And with that, the emperor silently left the ballroom, the mask safely tucked inside its box.

Liu Shan did not plan his journey, he just sort of wandered aimlessly through the gardens, past the barracks, around the perimeter of the palace. Two hours passed with him walking through the palace he knew so well, his gaze not on his surroundings but on the sky above him. One hour passed, then two, and despite the promise he made with Jiang Wei he could not find himself going back to his home.

_A home cannot grow without family. A family cannot grow without a home._

"Hmm." Liu Shan whispered to himself as he walked. "I guess I'm lacking in that family part, aren't I."

He walked by a familiar hallway when suddenly he stopped. His head lulls downwards, realization dawning on him when he remembered that this was the path to Xingcai's home. He remembered the soft warmth on his arm from when she walked beside him, her face stoic. But then he would say a bad joke and her eyebrows would rise slightly in horror but then she'd chuckle. How she would try to suppress it so little effect. It was always so cute.

Liu Shan clutched his head to remove those earlier thoughts. "No, she probably doesn't want to be disturbed." And yet his eyes were at the pathway to the end and he ended up walking down regardless, walked past the gravel path to arrive at her house and it was here that he once again stopped and took a deep breath. He had to tell her something, he had this incredible urge to tell her something but he did not know what it was. His confession of love for her? That he is weak? That he is a monster, hiding his true intentions behind his own mask?

What he was going to say was never answered as he opened the door but even if he did, he would have been speechless regardless. He opened the door to see Xingcai and the lady Xiahou, sitting at the table opposite of Zhu Ling. All three were surprised by his appearance but none looked more angry at the intrusion than Zhu Ling.

"What is the interruption for?!" Zhu Ling hastily spat at him. "Do you not have manners to intrude here?"

"Zhu Ling, please." Xingcai sighed softly as she stood up. "Lord Liu Shan, is this important?"

Liu Shan did not reply immediately, he was mesmerized by the cobalt dress that she wore. It was new; no doubt one of the dresses that she ordered from The Pearl but still, it fit her so beautifully. It hugged her figure ever so slightly, the fabric going all the way down just above her knees with a slit for extra movement—or at least, that's what he knew it was for but he couldn't help but find it ever so sexy. And her makeup and hair too, done up just a little bit with only a bit of blush, lip stick and a new hair ornament but it was enough. At that moment, in the candlelight before him, Xingcai never looked so alluring.

"You look beautiful." The words slipped out before he could even reconsider.

"Tch. S-surely you're not here just to tell me that." Despite her annoyance, a faint blush could be seen on her cheeks.

"I…n-no. I am sorry." He frowned as he turned to Zhu Ling. "I am sorry for interrupting your…"

"Date." Zhu Ling said a bit too quickly. "And surely you were about to leave now."

Liu Shan stood there for a second and noticed Zhu Ling's gaze, angry and surprised. Zhu Ling glanced to Xingcai and almost instantly his expression softened. _Love at first sight_ Liu Shan thought with a frown.

Xingcai placed a hand on his shoulder. "My lord, I…I am sorry. I think you should go."

Liu Shan nodded. "If that is what you desire. Lady Xiahou, Lord Zhu Ling. You know where to find me."

On that note, Liu Shan left the house of Xingcai, feeling worse for wear. And as he went to the usual room for Xincai's lessons, surrounded by junk, he just waited, frowning, only returning home after an hour is passed and he knew that Xingcai was not going to come for a lesson today. The box holding the mask was left there, waiting, but Liu Shan had no intention on looking at it for fear that it might start telling him the secrets of his own crumbling mask.


	8. Star crossed

_Hey hey kids, it's your...er...a-AUTHOR ALPHA! Y-yeah! (...nailed it.)  
_

_Guess who's been procrastinating until now. I'll give you a hint, it's me._

_...The...the answer is me...yeah._

_BUT! Anyhoo I am now ON THE ROAD so to speak (not literally because I'd probably be dead from the driving) but the mini-Zhu Ling arc is about to close and I can safely say we are about half way through the story! At the rate I write this and the chapters I got planned, I think this story will be max 18 chapters including Epilogue WHICH IS GOOD because that means there's a definite goal out there to finish this, even if it takes me all year or something. (Something tells me DW9 will be out before this. Don't quote me on that lest I jinx it though)_

_That doesn't mean however this is the end of their story, OH NO it ain't. Who else is gonna torture Liu Shan, SIMA ZHAO?! HA! HA HA! Hah. Yeah, no. Also quite likely will be a few one shots, maybe a sequel story about their life together and what not (spoiler alert). I also have another story for a completely different fandom planned but you guys probably aren't interested in that._

_So yeah, enjoy and bring on the reviews! Give me a reason to write stuff with other stuff._

_I don't own a company though I do own an account on that WONDERFUL Dynasty Warriors Unleashed where they JUST SO HAPPEN TO NOT INCLUDE LIU SHAN WITH HIS WONDEROUS BENCH OF AWESOME?! BLASPHEMY! ...ahem. I also don't own Koei. Or Dynasty Warriors. Or Liu Shan sadly._

Chapter 8: Star crossed

It became apparent to Xingcai that Zhu Ling was unlike any other man she had ever met. It had been only a couple of minutes after Liu Shan had left, his sad smile burned into her mind when her mother suddenly announced that she was retiring to bed for the night.

"Oh! Are you tired already, mother? Wouldn't it be better to stay for a bit longer?" Xingcai nervously glanced at Zhu Ling.

"No, I'm sorry. Mr. Jade needs his sleep so I should prepare him for bed." Lady Xiahou yawned. "Don't stay up too long."

"Goodnight, mother." Xingcai frowned. She didn't want to be alone with Zhu Ling yet.

"Sweet dreams, Lady Xiahou." Zhu Ling added.

Lady Xiahou gave a tired nod before retreating to her bedroom. A second passed. Zhu Ling turned to Xingcai both amused and bemused.

"Mr. Jade?" He asked with a chuckle. "What is that?"

Xingcai looked at him with furrowed brows. "My mother's doll. She loves it as though it was a person."

"A doll?!" He laughed, but it wasn't a pleasant sounding laugh. On the contrary, this evening, Xingcai found his voice to be particularly grating in instances of humour. "I bet she worships that thing. Probably even dressed up cutely and looks not a day old! Where'd she get it? Did she make it?"

Xingcai looked down grimly. "…my father bought it for her."

"…I'm sorry?"

"My father bought this for her when I was just a baby. She was sad, grief-stricken because of the things my father put her through and as an apology, he got her the doll." She paused to look at Zhu Ling but is surprised that he did not say anything yet. She continued, "She loved it. She still does. Cares for it and washes it and fixes it up whenever she can. And now, as one of the only gifts he ever got for her in his lifetime, sometimes I think it is a surrogate for him." Xingcai sighed, "I don't understand how she could love a man like that."

The air was still for a while and she was unmoving. Then, she heard a sharp intake of air. "I'm…sorry. For making fun, that is."

She had to admit, she did not expect him to say that. For the past few hours, Zhu Ling seemed like another mistake, lacking the finesse and tact that most people would have, especially when you are meeting a potential suitor for marriage. At the start, her brother was there alongside her mother to watch over but after Zhu Ling made a rather hurtful remark about moving on from the death of a loved one, Zhang Bao left in a huff. And though he was pleasant enough, he had this devil-may-care attitude throughout the date that Xingcai frowned on. So it was natural to think that he was a tactless, insensitive man. But it seems he was capable of regret after all. Not that Xingcai would forgive him so easily.

"I do not know whether you realize what you imply nor do I know if you understand how hurtful your words are, but if you are trying to make yourself look like a good suitor, you are not doing a good job."

"Hey! I…I…" Zhu Ling groaned, placing his hands on his head. "I'm not good at this. T-talking to girls. And it's not like I want to be here."

"Here?" Xingcai raised an eyebrow.

Zhu Ling's eyes widened. "Don't get me wrong, lady Zhang." He said too quickly. "I enjoy your company, I do! It's just that I would prefer we met under less…forced circumstances."

Zhu Ling tried to avoid eye contact but the truth was already visible to Xingcai. "Did **your** mother force you to do this?"

Zhu Ling frowned. "Was it that obvious?"

"A little," Xingcai chuckled. "It takes some time getting used to it."

"I'll say. All these mothers going like 'Oh would you marry my daughter?' and 'She's pretty I swear' and stuff like that. And then out of ALL the girls my mother picks it's usually the ugly ones or the insufferable ones. As though she picks the worst of the worst." Zhu Ling glanced back to Xingcai. "E-except you, that is."

"Nice save." Xingcai crossed her arms, barely able to stifle the smile growing on her face. She couldn't help but be slightly amused. When Zhu Ling was not uptight he was, dare she say it, not completely unpleasant.

"No, wait. Give me a chance to explain. You're an exceptional woman. A gemstone lying in the sand, a rare beauty. I'm rather surprised you are not spoken for already, surely a woman such as yourself would be the affection of many a man."

His words only made her dour as she placed her hands on the table. "You surely are kidding, I am just a bodyguard, a soldier if you will. No sane man would find a female warrior attractive."

His next words surprised her. "Perhaps I'm not sane then."

Xingcai glanced up to meet his gaze and was surprised to see his eyes, steely edged in determination, filled with something indescribable but just as razor sharp. He placed his hands on top of her own and she could feel the heat, generating from his hands. It was strangely comforting somehow, just a little bit. _Liu Shan was warmer though_ she thought, remembering the touch of his skin. A blush slowly blossomed but she could not pinpoint the cause, whether it be Zhu Ling's hands on top of her own, his firm gaze on her, or if it was the thought of her lord.

"Lady Zhang." He said with surprising force.

"…yes?" She whispered.

"Today, we met in bad circumstances. I did not know how to behave and I probably blew it, it was not a good first date. But I promise you, tomorrow, lunchtime, I can make it up, give you the date you deserve. Without parents or family or anyone interfering us. Would you like that? Would that be OK?"

"Are you asking me to go on another date with you?"

Zhu Ling blinked. "I suppose so." He smiled. "I'll try and not make this the worst date experience ever."

"I don't think you are ever going to beat attempted murder, Zhu Ling. But I'll…I'll think about it."

Zhu Ling beamed. It was the first time his smile did not look cocky or smarmy today. In a weird way, despite the dark clothing he wore, that smile suited him. "I'll meet you here midday tomorrow and if you do not come out, I'll presume you do not want to join. But thank you for today. I actually had a pleasant time."

She did not know why she didn't dismiss him right then and there nor did she know why she decided tomorrow at noon to accept Zhu Ling's invitation. And when the date was over and the dread began to set in only then did Xingcai acknowledge that she enjoyed herself on her date. And all the details, how she led him through the town, gave him a sample of dumplings, laughed at his jokes, were all told to Guan Ping shortly after.

"You didn't SERIOUSLY enjoy yourself, did you?"

Xingcai nodded in response.

"B-but how? I bumped into that guy in the hallway and he lashed back at me like I was some kind of filthy INSECT! I hardly call that a gentleman, Xingcai."

Xingcai leaned back on her chair. She made no attempt to hide her displeasure. "But he was, Guan Ping. Look, I know he was a jerk and I know he has this bad habit of making fun of the worst of subjects but he was different with me. It was almost like he was…I don't know how to describe it, honest."

"Honest?" Guan Ping snorted. "This is a man from Wei you are talking about. There is nothing in that kingdom but traitors and liars!"

"Guan Ping, you of all people should know my mother's family is from Wei. Besides, you met Xiahou Ba and chatted quite enthusiastically about him. Don't you know he's my uncle?"

"Heh, well if that's the case, his effeminate looks can give Lord Liu Shan a run for his money."

"Guan Ping!" She gave a seething glare. "What is with you today?!"

Guan Ping scowled. "I already know what you are going to say. That Liu Shan doesn't look effeminate, that Liu Shan told us to be merciful and respectful to the other kingdoms. Well excuse me for having my own opinion but to use your own words against you, you of all people know what that kingdom did to MY family!"

Guan Ping was infuriated, his expressions stormy and harsh and it was a look that Xingcai had sadly become used to. She never liked it, did not like how it clouded his judgment. But as much as she hated it, he had a point. She would have said what he thought she would say.

"…are you done, Guan Ping?" Xingcai frowned.

Guan Ping's eyes gazed low, still fuming but slightly calmer. "…Go on now."

"Guan Ping, I know Wei and what they have done to you. But Zhu Ling is not Cao Cao, even if they are from the same kingdom. And these dates are just dates. I highly doubt a diplomat is going to propose to me by the end of their visit."

"But what if he does?" Guan Ping asked morosely. "Sounds like he's interested in you."

Part of her thought the same as he did as his current behaviour suggested but she did not revel in it. Rather, it was frightening to think that a man would hold that kind of interest to her. No matter how many men she's seen, it's still foreign to her. She wondered what Liu Shan would think if she mentioned Zhu Ling. Would they like each other?

Xingcai dismissed the thought. For reasons she can't explain, she did not want Liu Shan to know Zhu Ling's taken an interest in her. It was too personal. Too intimate, even to the man she had told almost everything too. Not even her father or brother were close to the number of secrets she'd shared with Liu Shan. "Interest and love are two entirely different things." She huffed. "You will see. Zhu Ling will soon find another woman in the kingdom to take his interest and he will stop seeing me."

The answer did not satisfy Guan Ping, who muttered, "Anybody who thinks another woman is better than you is a fool."

Xingcai chose to ignore what he said, against her better judgment. "You still did not answer my previous question."

Guan Ping finally looked up again. "Which is?"

"Why you are acting this way all of a sudden." Xingcai said with a surprising amount of calmness.

Guan Ping did not say anything for a second, just gazed into his empty hands. "…it's not easy to be in love with someone you know you can't be with. Not like you'd understand."

"Another girl, is it?" She asked with a hint of curiosity.

Guan Ping shook his head. "You'd think you'd forget her after a few years. But she always manages to find a way to make me want her more."

"Who?" Xingcai asked. Guan Ping's lips pulled into a thin line. "Guan Ping, you can tell me."

But Guan Ping said no more, not even with further coaxing, and figuring it was a lost cause, Xingcai said nothing else either. In awkward silence, neither wanting to speak, it was only later that Xingcai decided to leave Guan Ping to his infinite silence and walk away. She couldn't hide her disappointment. Here, she thought Guan Ping would have been supportive and helped her, congratulated her. Didn't he know how much it troubled her, that she is to be married in less than a month? But as she thought of ways to tell Guan Ping of her true intentions and her opinions on Zhu Ling, a messenger, bearing a letter for her, suddenly stopped her. The contents: an invitation to dine with Zhu Ling later that night. And later, as the half moon shone dimly in the dark sky, Xingcai experienced the best of Wei cuisine in both food and wine. Xingcai and Zhu Ling talked and laughed well into the night, gossiping about people loved and lost, the bonds they shared with those people. So too did the bond they share with each other grew stronger. But the lingering doubts Xingcai had awakened with new vigour, hidden beneath the calm surface of a laughing woman. Xingcai could only blame Guan Ping for bringing the terrible thoughts to blossom, despite knowing that she herself had to have planted the idea herself to heed Guan Ping's words in the first place.

Since then, every day for the past three days Zhu Ling had offered to spend time with Xingcai in some manner. Wednesday, she had stayed for tea, sharing stories of battle and combat prowess. What started as a chat turned into a tournament of tales where they would try to best each other in their achievements. It was not something that Xingcai would do under normal circumstances, bragging under the pretext of stories, but she felt strangely calm with Zhu Ling. It was as though she could be herself around him without fear of judgment. It was a pleasant feeling, knowing this.

Thursday, Xingcai had caught him in the training grounds and decided to spar with him. Though it was the briefest of their meetings together, emotions were on big display as the two fought with the match ending with a draw. They chatted for a while after, admiring the other's fighting technique before finally leaving. The remainder of that day Xingcai promised to her mother, catching up with her uncle Xiahou Ba and his life in Wei alongside her mother, Lady Xiahou. Though the conversation was amiable overall, Guan Ping's words lingered in her mind, that of her uncle's effeminate features and youthful face. She hated to admit it, she thought once night had arrived and she was alone again, but Xiahou Ba DID share certain androgynous features.

Friday was the second 'official' date, the conditions mimicking that of when they first met, her mother present yet distant, the chatter formal and formulated. As Xingcai suspected, Zhu Ling was stiff and unresponsive under Lady Xiahou's scrutiny, and it was only once Xingcai had a private word to her mother that she agreed, half-heartedly, to leave.

"But you must do well, my fair daughter. This could be the opportunity you are waiting for." Lady Xiahou smiled.

"To marry?" Xingcai crossed her arms. "Mother, you know that is impossible."

Lady Xiahou pouted. "Oh, why not? He's handsome, rich and you two have even been seeing each other behind my back."

"M-mother—"

Lady Xiahou placed Mr. Jade's stuffed paw on Xingcai's lips in an attempt to quiet her. It worked. "It does not matter that I know nor does it matter that you two meet in these circumstances. All I ask, dear daughter, is that you try to woo him. He would make a fine husband."

Xingcai shook her head. "But he's from Wei."

"So?" Lady Xiahou asked, genuinely confused.

"So he is still committed to Wei and their cause. And I am an officer of Wei. Surely he would not give up his standing in Wei just to marry me."

Lady Xiahou turned her head over Xingcai's shoulder, staring at where Zhu Ling was blissfully unaware of the conversation. The corner of her lips dipped slightly. "I know that kind of man." She said quietly. "He will do anything for what he wants."

Xingcai hummed softly in agreement. In many ways he was a lot like her father. "Are you worried he's going to hurt me then?"

"No," she took one final look at Zhu Ling, "I am more worried you are going to hurt him. I know you, my daughter."

Lady Xiahou left the house, doll clutched in her arms so tight it might burst and Xingcai could only go back to him to ask him to leave for the night. His displeasure was evident on his face.

"So soon?!" Heat was coming out of his ears.

"I am sorry, I'm not…in the mood to talk. I just want to be alone." Xingcai admitted softly.

"Honestly, women," Zhu Ling placed a hand on his head, groaning, but his voice spoke more than his words. He was concerned, not angry. "Well if I must, I guess I better make it back."

"I will make it up to you somehow. We should meet at least once more before you leave." Xingcai knew it was unlikely however they would meet again. Zhu Ling was leaving at the strike of noon on Sunday. Guan Ping made sure to let her know when the Wei ambassadors were to leave.

"Well then why not tomorrow night? Your emperor has so graciously invited me to his banquet and I was in need of a date anyway. Perhaps you would come along."

Xingcai smiled. "If that is all I must do. I will see you then."

Zhu Ling flashed a cocky grin before dipping down and scooped up her hand, gently kissed the back of her hand. A gesture she did not expect at all. "Until then, Xingcai." Zhu Ling grinned once more leaving behind the stunned Xingcai trying to hide her now-red face.

* * *

Xingcai was not often a fan of banquets for their music and alcohol, how people let go of more than just their perceptions on reality in their quest for a good time. To Xingcai, that was not enjoyment, stuffing your face with food and drink. Enjoyment was the satisfaction of a job well done, the joy of being of help to the kingdom, of being in service of those who need it. So she was not surprised when the many cheery cheeks of drunken men turned to her when she walked in—dressed in her new if simple cobalt dress with a floral hairpin, her right arm locked with the beaming Zhu Ling—that she felt uncomfortable in their stares. They were judging her. Trying to measure her worth. She could not suppress the shiver going through her body. Zhu Ling turned to her, an eyebrow raised.

"It's alright," Zhu Ling whispered. "You're doing fine."

All she could muster at the moment was a weak nod and together, they walked, Xingcai desperately trying to avoid this new-founded attention that she had gotten herself into. Maybe she shouldn't have been so quick to accept the invitation. She had been to a lifetime's worth of banquets already.

"Ah, Xingcai, Zhu Ling, how wonderful to see you together." Liu Shan came to them, smiling the familiar, comforting smile that Xingcai knew. He glanced down at their interlocked arms, his smile growing. "So you two have arrived here together, hmm?"

Xingcai could feel Zhu Ling's arms clench slightly in her arms. As though he was uncomfortable. "Yes, my lord." Zhu Ling said in a bitter tone. "I must… _thank_ you for the invitation."

Liu Shan waved them away, chuckling as if he had not noticed the malice in Zhu Ling's voice. "No need, no need. A friend of Xingcai is a friend of mine. And besides, what use is a farewell party if the guests of honour are not here?"

Zhu Ling's forehead wrinkled. "Xingcai is my **date** , actually." His grip on Xingcai's arm significantly tightened. "I hope you won't bother us too much, we'd prefer to be alone. She has enough attention from men as it is." Zhu Ling glared.

Xingcai did not know where Zhu Ling's behaviour was coming from, she would admonish him there and then were it not for the staring crowd who seemed to have stopped to listen to this conversation. For a second, a strange, spiteful look flashed in Liu Shan's eyes but then he took a deep breath and the smile was back. "If that is what you wish then I bid you both a good night."

With Liu Shan's departure came an uneasy feeling in Xingcai's stomach.

"Utter moron," Zhu Ling muttered under his breath. Then, as he faced Xingcai, "We should find some seats, Xingcai. A good banquet needs good food and drink, after all."

Xingcai followed close behind Zhu Ling's steps, hesitant, watching with furrowed brows as Zhu Ling stridden to a few empty seats where the Wei guests were sitting. He brought the chair back, pushing her into the chair when she had sat before sitting himself. The entire process earlier, Xingcai was not on Zhu Ling but on Liu Shan, chatting on the opposite side of the room.

"You should relax, Xingcai." Zhu Ling placed an arm around her shoulders. It did not comfort her. "Tonight is about us. Let us enjoy the time together, forget everyone else."

Xingcai attempted a weak smile in response. This couldn't be the true colours of Zhu Ling…could it?

Even as the servants came in with platters of the most splendid food and pitchers of the sweetest wine, the unease Xingcai felt did not dissipate. Xingcai could not help but just nibble at her food, a few short sips of wine only at Zhu Ling's insistence, and even with all this food around her, she suddenly felt full. The lustful stares of drunken men did not help ease the disquiet in her heart.

She never really got the opportunity to see Liu Shan until now since she had met with Zhu Ling, and she supposed she expected that the two of them would get along well. It was this almost immediate dislike of Liu Shan that caught her off-guard, that alerted her to the possibility that Zhu Ling may not be who he is trying to portray himself as, a possibility that she had never truly considered until just now. She wanted Zhu Ling to like Liu Shan, or at least stand each other's presence but whenever Zhu Ling even glanced in Liu Shan's direction, he became defensive. As though Liu Shan bothered him in some way.

Xingcai did not realize that Zhu Ling was talking to her until he went silent, his gaze falling on a person opposite her and his smile twisted into a hideous grimace. Xingcai turned around, curiosity piqued, and found her eyes landing on Guan Ping. Their gaze connected and Guan Ping smiled for a second, before he turned to Zhu Ling. Guan Ping scowled, the two men glared at each other and suddenly the atmosphere was tense, akin to the final moments before a duel to the death. It seemed like an eternity before the two men gave each other one last sneer before Guan Ping walked to the opposite corner of the banquet hall. Zhu Ling smirked, victorious.

It was only when Xingcai tried to drink again that she realized that she had drunk all her wine. She flagged another servant down to her and asked them to pour her another glass, to which they complied. Not even a minute later, her cup was empty again.

"I did not peg you to be a drinker." Zhu Ling said.

Xingcai ignored the comment. She was barely buzzed. She was his father's daughter after all. "What is your problem?" She asked, her voice low. "First Lord Liu Shan and now Guan Ping?"

"Hey," Zhu Ling sneered. "That bandana guy—Guan Ping?—that guy was a jackass. Thinks he's better than everybody. I can't stand entitled brats who think they can live on the coattails of their 'famous' parents."

"And Liu Shan?" Xingcai scowled. She wouldn't normally ask these questions, especially in a public event like this. She supposed she could always blame it on the alcohol.

"Him?" Zhu Ling stiffened, as though he was trying to suppress a shiver. "He's…" Zhu Ling shook his head. "Look, why do you ask me this? They said something about me, didn't they. Was it that Guan Ping guy?"

Xingcai stared at him with indignation. He was avoiding the subject. "No one said anything." She said, a bit louder. "But that 'guy' happens to be my friend. And I would appreciate it if you do not talk such rude things behind his back."

"And I'm sure your precious Lord Liu Shan is just 'a friend'." Zhu Ling replied sarcastically.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

Zhu Ling looked at her but after a few seconds of staring, he sighed, defeated. "…nothing." He pushed himself away from the table and stood. "I need a drink." Zhu Ling walked away from the table, grabbing a mug of wine from a maid. Xingcai too felt the need to drink, if only to subdue the feeling growing in her stomach and emptied her cup.

The night grew longer and the merriment, increased. Dancers soon joined in as the music grew more festive and many went on to dance. She did not join in, sitting still at the banquet table, gazing into her cup. She only gave quick glances to check the room and saw that Zhu Ling had begun dancing with another woman. Xingcai frowned at the sight but said nothing, just took another sip from her cup. It was times like these that made her worry that she might become a drunkard like her father.

More time passed. Liu Shan moved from the corner of her eye and she couldn't help but watch as he approached the dancing area, a drunk Jiang Wei insisting Liu Shan enters to the emperor's hesitance. Xingcai chuckled as Liu Shan was suddenly grabbed by a noble woman and was being twirled, as though she was the lead in the dance. Liu Shan's eyes suddenly locked onto her, bewildered, stunned, and it was as though she could not deal with the pressure from his gaze and she turned away. She did not know why the blush was growing on her face. It had to be the alcohol.

The night moved on and though Xingcai waited patiently, Zhu Ling did not return to the table. Most of the guests now have gotten quite drunk and even she couldn't deny that she was feeling buzzed today as well. But more than that, she felt tired. Of the party, of waiting, but most of all, of trying to figure out her feelings for Zhu Ling. She liked Zhu Ling, he was fun to hang out with, but she couldn't help but feel there was something…missing. As though there was something she needed to do or he needed to do, something to tell her that Zhu Ling was the one. With no answer in sight, her frustrations only threatened to spill out of her mind and into the reality in front of her.

And then suddenly, the music stops and the people go silent except for the sounds of two men shouting, arguing. Xingcai turned to the noise but all she saw was the backs of others, blocking her view. Xingcai stood up, walked and shoved her way to the centre and there she saw Guan Ping and Zhu Ling squabbling, their faces a cheery tint. There was a distinct slur in their words as they tried to form a coherent argument but to the onlookers and spectators, it seemed to be the funniest thing they ever saw.

"S-she doesn't need some—hic—guy with some fancy scarf to try and…and…" Guan Ping paused, trying to think what to say next. "…and try to take her away to th' dark side." He belched loudly.

Zhu Ling's nose crinkled, its rosy glow all but a clear sign of his intoxication. "Y-YEAH WELL…y-yer gonna—hiccup—have to show me how MAN you are. C'MAAAANNnnnn…" Zhu Ling pumped his fist towards Guan Ping.

Guan Ping took awhile to comprehend what Zhu Ling said. "Y-yeah…then I chose the—hic—challenge, huuuuuh?" Guan Ping grabbed a wine barrel. Almost immediately, Liu Shan came in.

"You two, please, cease this. This is a party, hardly the place to fight for a woman's honour."

"Hehe," laughed Zhu Ling. "Honour. Hah."

Guan Ping was less than amused. "Awww c'mon. Hey! I got an idea. You can be th' judge! Yeah."

"Hey, yeah!" remarked Zhu Ling.

"No!" shouted Liu Shan, the anger in his voice surprising all, Xingcai included. Then, a bit calmer, "Both of you, please stop this. At least have the forethought to settle this outside."

Zhu Ling stared blankly at Liu Shan for a second. The cacophony of 'drink, drink, drink' was slowly rising in the audience."…So you don't want to be the judge, huh?"

Xingcai swore she could see Liu Shan's expressions change, a flash of an angry grimace contorting his countenance. The cries for the contest were getting louder. "Not particularly, no." The emperor answered.

Zhu Ling said something, possibly something rude about Liu Shan or Guan Ping, but Xingcai could not hear it as the shouting reached its climax. Other drunk guests and patrons were shouting their approval for a contest, raucous screams for some competition flooded their banquet hall until it became white noise, beeping annoyingly in her ears.

Xingcai held her hands up to her ears, trying to block out the sound. It was all too much: the noise, the social protocols, Zhu Ling, Liu Shan. In a huff, Xingcai turned on her heel, heading towards the exit. She hears someone cry her name but it was blurred behind the whoops of cheer as the sound of a wine casket being opened fills the air. She could not handle this. She really could not handle this.

It's been awhile since she had this time to herself, Xingcai slowly realized, as she found herself entering the moonlit gardens of the palace. It was a stark contrast to the banquet hall: dark when before there was light, quiet when before there was noise. The cold embraced her body quickly, the wind flicking past her skin, a shudder on her lips that she could not suppress. Here, alone, with the world asleep, she could finally think about the thoughts she had been avoiding: what she would do about Zhu Ling.

Zhu Ling was unique, she knew, he was fun. The same arrogant confidence that he proudly showed hid a self-doubt that she was familiar with. His smiles a rarity and in a way they shone brighter than any smile she had seen. It rivaled the smiles of Liu Shan, the few exceptionally bright ones that is. It was weird how a man who smiled all the time, who was blissfully content all the time, she remembers so few times his smile was…pure.

No…she needed to stop thinking about Liu Shan. Why was she derailing herself with thoughts of him? She needed to sort out her feelings for Zhu Ling, figure out this sickening ache in her stomach. She should want to be with Zhu Ling, she **should** be with him now even if she doesn't like what he's doing, that's true love, right? And yet there was this thought itching in the back of her mind telling her that he was not the one. It was simple internal conflict and yet the answer did not seem simple, as though the answer was so close yet so far away simultaneously.

Xingcai stopped her slow walk when she heard the crunch of footsteps on the gravel path. She turned, and though the moonlight was not enough to illuminate their face, she could tell from the silhouette, the way they jogged up to her, breath slightly ragged, that it was Liu Shan.

At the sight of him, she felt a strange wave of relief, like her body was lighter with his presence alone. But in the darkness, she could barely see the hints of a frown, a more serious expression pursed on Liu Shan's lips.

"You stormed off back there." He said, his voice still breathless. "I…I was worried."

A small smile crept up on Xingcai's face. "Do not worry about me. I just need some time to myself." Xingcai looked down at her hands, which seemed to have interlaced themselves without her prior knowledge. "You should go back to the banquet. They are your guests."

"Perhaps, but you are also mine." Liu Shan remarked assertively. Xingcai shivered at the serious tone in his voice, something she rarely heard. Then, in a panicked flurry he added, "m-my guest, I mean! You're my guest. A…after all, I did invite you."

Xingcai giggled. "You are valuing one guest over so many others?"

"Well perhaps I like to give special treatment every now and then." He laughed. "But to be honest, I really do not wish to be in there. Drinking contests like that are really just glorified attempts at showing off."

The comment was logical enough to Xingcai's mind but the fact that Liu Shan of all people said it was surprising to say the least. "So you wouldn't do that then, my lord?"

"Me?" He scoffed dismissively. "Only an absolute idiot would think fighting another man for a woman's honour is a good idea." He sighed, and added, more morosely, "I really do not want to go back though. I am starting to get tired of it all."

With her eyes finally adjusted for the dark, Xingcai noticed the shift in his eyes as he turned to face the moon. There was no lightness in his features anymore, no smile to focus on. His profile, half illuminated by the moonlight, looked almost sorrowful, melancholic. She noticed for the first time his languid eyes: dark, expressionless. It was yet another emotion she had yet to see in him, and yet like last time, this darkness tempted her, coaxed her into discovering the secrets that lie beneath the surface.

"Do you…want to walk with me?" Her voice was softer than she expected, just louder than a whisper.

"Perhaps I will." He whispered back, eyes still stuck on the moon.

And so they walked, side by side, through the garden path they were familiar with and yet seemed so new under the starry sky compared to the calming blue of daytime. The crunch of stone underfoot she was accustomed to was jarringly loud and disruptive, the chirping birds replaced with crickets. The heat of the sun on her arms, replaced with the cool night wind and though she was accustomed to winter conditions far colder than this, she still shivered, goose bumps freckling her skin. Perhaps the biggest difference was that Liu Shan was accompanying her on the walk rather than the reverse like it was when they went on walks before.

Still, there were many things she recognised that synched with her earlier memories. The flowers were still the same and helped guide Xingcai's way down the garden. The path she took was the same as he had led her before, deviating only once when she almost took a turn too early. And Liu Shan was beside her, silent, whether in thought or appreciation she could never really tell, especially now with the night obscuring many of the small expressions he made. It was clear though that he was following her and her movements, stopping only when she stopped, walking again when she did. Always close by. Always by her side.

The wind howled suddenly and Xingcai embraced herself, biting on her lip to prevent her teeth from chattering.

"Here." Liu Shan whispered, as he placed his coat on her shoulders.

"N-n-no, Lord L-Liu Shan." Her teeth chattered. "Y-You k-keep it."

"I insist." He breathed, and suddenly she felt his chest on her back, his hands guiding her arms into the sleeves, one by one. She gasped but could not find the strength nor will to push him away. Instead, he helped his movements, pushing herself more towards him. His hands glided over her arms, guiding her arms into the sleeves.

She could barely resist the temptation to sniff the coat, his scent permeated from the fur trimmed coat. And his body heat, trapped within the cloth, spreading throughout her body. She pulled the coat closer to her body.

"Are you warm now, Xingcai?"

She turned her head to the side. "Yes," she replied meekly. More than warm, in fact. The warm coat on and the heat radiating from his fingertips had left her feeling warm. The heat had even spread to her cheeks though she was relieved that Liu Shan could not see her face.

"Good." She could tell from his voice he was smiling again. "You know, I'm surprised how well it fits you, the coat. No one would think it was mine on your shoulders."

Xingcai chuckled. "But we're the same height. I'm sure we could swap wardrobes and no one would notice the difference."

"If that is the case, I need a new tailor. What will people think when a woman could pull off anything from my wardrobe and wear it better?" His body still close to hers, his chuckle breathed warm air onto her neck. Xingcai was even warmer now.

"But this is tailor made for you." She replied, averting her gaze to the flowers beside her as a distraction.

"But it looks beautiful on you. And just imagine what it will look like when I can finally see the front as well."

It was only then that she took a step forward, brought a bit of space between her and Liu Shan and turned to face him. His eyes lit up like the stars in the sky on sight, his smile grew in intensity. She, with her gaze still on the flowers, clutched the coat closer. It must have been seconds at best but in that short amount of time, it felt like his gaze was burning onto her, taking in every detail of her. Her grip on the coat did not loosen.

"Maybe we should find a place to sit, Lord Liu Shan." She said.

"Hmm?" He blinked, as if he only just broke free of some enchantment. "O-oh. Yeah. Right, you lead the way then, I'll just…follow."

The closest bench was a short distance away but it felt longer with the knowledge that Liu Shan was now focused on **her**. Whether conscious or subconscious, she noticed how his steps fell in line with hers, matching her brisk pace, moving as though they were one. And his eyes on her neck, gazing, observing, she knew he had to be staring at him because whenever Xingcai turned to him, his head would twist sharply to the trees or the stars. Anything that could possibly take his interest but her face.

But she was also guilty of staring at him. Every few seconds, he turned to him, coatless and with only a thin shirt to cover his arms. Twice, she had considered asking him "are you cold?" but both times she found no voice coming out to speak those words. Even if her dress was sleeveless she thought Liu Shan would be cold too, putting on a brave face for her and yet he looked as though he was unaffected by the world around her.

It was times like these that Xingcai saw the hidden leader in her, this quiet man that without any effort had his presence alone take her attention to him. It was curious, too, how this hidden leader seemed to sprout from nowhere.

When the bench finally approached, Liu Shan stopped just ahead, offering her the seat. She sat down, quickly but not hastily, and Liu Shan sat next to her. All that could be heard was the rustle of the leaves from the peach tree and her own soft, quiet breaths as the two sat in silence.

"So…Xingcai?"

"Hmm?" She murmured under her breath.

"May I ask how are things with Zhu Ling and yourself? They seem to be good."

Xingcai supposed the question would be inevitably asked but it still took her by surprise. "W-we are fine. Just…fine."

"Even with the whole drinking game business?" He asked with earnest curiosity.

"I…" The corner of her lip dipped low. "I don't know." Xingcai admitted. "I guess I still don't know how I feel about him."

Liu Shan leaned in closer, one hand placed just beside her. "Why not?"

She wished she had a definitive answer but there were only fragments, some leading to more questions, others leading to a possible answer. "I also don't know that." She said. "I know he is from Wei but he is a nice man, gentlemanly, kind. He treats me like an equal, with respect, and everybody says he's interested in me."

"So what is the problem then, Xingcai? Did he do something to you? Did he…" He paused. "Did he do something else to…gain your disapproval?"

Xingcai shook her head. "Nothing, nothing." Zhu Ling's hesitance to talk about Liu Shan springs to mind. "No, he was…he was not without faults, of course—he has a terrible habit of making offensive jokes— but I do not mind them. Everyone has their own faults, after all, and he seemed very open to me. I just…don't know. I feel like there should be more." Xingcai turn to Liu Shan. "What do you think?"

"Me?!" Liu Shan's pulled himself back a bit. "You don't want to hear what a fool like me has to say, surely."

"Why not? It might better help me sort out what to do."

Liu Shan placed a hand on his chin in thought. "…Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure, just tell me already, my Lord."

"Well then…if I have to be honest…" Liu Shan stared at the gravel among his feet.

"Yes?" Xingcai leaned in slightly.

"I think Zhu Ling is not the one for you."

"Yes, that's exactly what I…" Wait a second. "Wait, what?!"

"As I said, I don't think Zhu Ling is the one for you."

"But why?!" Xingcai's voice rose, thick with anger and surprise. "I-I mean…surely…I thought you of all people would support me with my decision. I managed to find an eligible man to marry that understands me AND is able to satisfy my mother's wants, what more is there?"

"Xingcai, you asked for my opinion and I gave it to you. And I say that you will not be happy with Zhu Ling." Liu Shan crossed his arms.

"And why not?" She asked.

"You would not be here worrying about what your life is like with him and some future you have no way of knowing what it would be like."

"But that's exactly what worries me." Xingcai groaned. "You do not understand. If I marry him, no doubt I will have to go to Wei and start a new life there. No friends, no family, just him. Is that not reason for concern?"

"But we both know that's not your real concern, Xingcai. Admit it, you do not love him."

Xingcai had to stop and take pause. "I…" Her voice took in a shaky breath. "I-I…don't?"

Liu Shan sighed, a tint of regret in his voice. "I'm sorry but it has to be said. If your plan was to marry for love then I'm afraid he is not the one for you."

"How…" It was as if he punched her in the gut, took all her breath away, leaving only whispers of words to be said. "How do you know?"

"I've felt love before. I know what it is like. And despite what fiction tells you, when you're in love, you know. You may not know why or how but you know somewhere in your heart, however small. It's something you can't deny no matter how much you can try." He sighs softly. "What do you feel like when you're with him? Say it in as few words as possible."

She paused for a bit before replying, "Comfortable. Happy. Free"

"And that's the problem." He sighed.

"What?" Her head tilted, a sad frown on her lips.

"It's not 'ecstasy'. It's not 'bliss'. It's not any of those things." He said. "If you love him, you would know. It's an emotion that overwhelms you, that defies all logic in your mind. You only question your relationship like you are now if it is not meant to be. And if it hasn't started…" He didn't finish his sentence, lost in thought he was.

"Then what did you feel like? When you were in love?" She asked.

Liu Shan gave a sad smile, and it was then that she sees the sorrow in his expression. The sadness long repressed. It was memories of a love lost, or a love that was not to be.

"I'm sorry, lord Liu Shan." She said when he did not reply. "That was too personal."

Liu Shan shook his head. "It's OK, Xingcai. I just did not know how to answer it back then. I…" He took in a breath and let it out, facing her with his dark eyes that seemed to suck her in. "When I love someone, I'm…I'm weird. I deny a lot. I deny the fact that their beauty entranced me. I deny the fact that I can't get them out of my mind. But over time, I stop denying that I want them. And then that want turns to need. And then it reaches the point that I get so unbearably lonely without them by my side for even one day. To be honest, it's like torture, just waiting for sweet, sweet release, and you're waiting for the right moment, just the right moment, until you find your opening and you put everything into it that you don't care if you get torn to shreds. Love is…"

She was only faintly aware of his hand slowly moving on top of hers, the world seemed to blur out. And at its epicenter in perfect clarity was Liu Shan and only Liu Shan. She was only faintly aware of the now-familiar scent of him, not emanating from his coat that was on her shoulders but from him because she did not realize how close they were from each other. And then she saw it. An indescribable expression that on first glance might look nothing but it only filtered all his emotion away from his face to his eyes. And in those eyes was fire: incandescent, uncontrollable, blazing. Similar to what she witnessed on the day he chased Bu Zhuo and yet different somehow. It was not a flame of purpose; no, it wasn't a flame at all. It was fireworks. Sparking off, showering her with different colours, different emotions: happiness, fear, _desire_ , worry, **need**. She leaned in, mesmerized, and she could feel her eyes droop and her lips purse but she was no longer in control. Xingcai was only following the impulses of her body.

Then, Liu Shan blinks. And the fireworks are all gone. He turned, facing the garden again and to Xingcai, it felt as though she had been left in the winter snow, like her heart had froze.

He gave a huff, as though he had persuaded himself to do something. "I should get back to the party, Xingcai."

"What, now?" She squeaked. Why did it feel so cold whenever he left all of a sudden like this? Why did his presence alone make her feel warm?

"Yes." He sounded just slightly unsure. "I have to go. I've already spent so much time here. Heh, maybe I'll make sure that they only break one chair instead of three." Liu Shan attempted a weak laugh.

"Oh." She tried to laugh too but failed. "I-I see. It's fine. You've given me plenty to think about."

"Then I bid you goodnight." He waved.

She waited until he was out of sight before he moved, slowly climbing herself off the bench. It was only then that she realized that he forgot to take his coat back and decides, against her better judgment, to return it to him tomorrow. The walk back home, a sense of purpose grew, a plan began to form.

She knew what she needed to do with Zhu Ling. But she would have to wait until just before he was to go.


	9. Fading Dipper

_Hola, amigos and...amigas? (Shush, the only spanish word I know is 'taco', don't judge), it's been exactly one month my time which meeeeans NEW CHAPTER! WHOOP WHOOP!_

_So things have been weird on my end. There's been the crazy weather where I am, the guests at my house, and all this random junk that I'm sure you're not really interested in but has happened to me regardless. I won't bore you with too many details. Just know that it might affect my future writing and not necessarily in a good way. But that's a big maybe and hopefully it does not come to that.  
_

_But onto happier things, which is, frankly, that I somehow got this out in one month. Things are getting a bit more hectic on my end so the wait times between chapters may be a bit longer but hopefully, this one will make up for it. This is my longest chapter to date I think, and maybe even my best. I wouldn't know though, guys, you be the judges of that. I think I'm getting the hang of writing this story, to be honest, which is a lot for me. Basically, I ain't gonna quit this story any time soon. Score for you guys!  
_

_Anyway, send in the reviews, they're SUPER super motivating and any critique would be wonderful. Just...er...be relevant to the story? I've had some people on fanfiction.net give me a...weird review to say the least. So yeah. Keep it relevant, guys, if possible. I'm all for randomness but not THAT much of it.  
_

_Usual spiel, I don't own a video game company called KoeiTecmo, I don't effeminate ancient chinese men and women in any form of fashion (goddamnit) and I don't own the world's largest lasagna. Even if I did, it wouldn't be the world's largest for very long. And to those of you who got hungry at the word 'lasagna', I say "MWAHAHAHAHAH"._

Chapter 9: Fading Dipper

Liu Shan did not dare look at Guan Ping, did not dare look in Guan Ping's direction, and he knew that Guan Ping was doing the same. But it was hard to ignore someone with one of the loudest footsteps Liu Shan has ever heard. And his towering presence, how he casted shadows on Liu Shan's face (at least it protected him from the morning glare), it was hard to pay no heed to Guan Ping. And yet Liu Shan wanted to ignore the general beside him. But trying to distract himself from the humiliation of today only reminded him of last night and Xingcai.

_Why did I do that?_ He thought. _Why did I almost KISS her?!_ Because that was what he had almost done in his stupidity. He mistook the moonlight on her skin as affection. Mistook her pursed lips and half-lidded eyes as attraction. So it was no surprise to him that he did not see her around anywhere this morning. Not at the dining hall for breakfast. Not by the training grounds to practice. If he was being honest, he was glad that she wasn't around. Who knew how he would behave around her and her intoxicating smile, her eyes akin to the glittering stars in the sky.

Liu Shan gave a wistful sigh as the image of her flooded his mind, hallucinating that it was Xingcai by his side instead of Guan Ping. That she had forgotten all about last night and he didn't tell her to dump Zhu Ling and he didn't almost spill out his feelings about her. It felt as though every time Xingcai was by his side, the following absence just became more and more unbearable.

Guan Ping mumbled, "You're rather quiet today, my lord." He frowned in thought. "You don't have a hangover, do you?"

Other days, he would fake a smile. Assure everybody that he was alright but it was only then that he realized that not only did he not want to today, he physically felt like he couldn't. The tired scowl clawed its way up his face. "With how horrible last night's banquet went, I wish I had one so I have an excuse to not go to this idiotic meeting."

Guan Ping did not respond verbally. Instead his eyebrows creased and his mouth slowly opened but no sound came out, save for a tiny high pitched squeak.

Liu Shan facepalmed. "The answer is no, Guan Ping, I do not have a hangover."

"Oh!" Guan Ping exclaimed despite the hesitance laced in his voice. "…O-OK."

Despite the impulse to clarify himself, Liu Shan did not grace Guan Ping with another answer, his gaze staring forward as the two walked their steady pace. Silent was the hallways with the exception of the distant chirping of the birds and the quiet howl of the wind.

Then, an extra pair of footsteps was heard, foreign to either Liu Shan or Guan Ping. It walked a similar slow speed to them but as it got closer, it suddenly quickened until the figure the footsteps belonged to, Jiang Wei, was by the emperor's side.

"Lord Liu Shan," Jiang Wei greeted with a smile, though Liu Shan could see the forced strain from the corner of his lips. "Are you on your way to the meeting?"

"Yes, I am." Out of courtesy alone, he added, "Do you wish to walk with us?"

"If you do not mind, my lord." Jiang Wei all too readily accepted, quickly falling in step with Guan Ping and Liu Shan. Liu Shan could feel Guan Ping wince from the loudness of Jiang Wei's voice. He now realized why the general asked about hangovers earlier, the hypocrite. "Xingcai has still not returned to guard duty, has she?"

_Why does he have to ask the one question I don't want to answer?_ Whether it was through somehow sensing Liu Shan's tenseness or from his own volition, Guan Ping replied. "Xingcai is not under direct service of Lord Liu Shan, Jiang Wei. If she does not wish or is incapable of serving our lord then it shall be my responsibility."

While Liu Shan supposed Guan Ping's words were intended to cheer him up, rather it did the opposite. Dare he admit it, Liu Shan felt lonely without Xingcai around. "Be that as it may, Guan Ping, I recall you mentioning yesterday that you are also called for today. What was it you had to do again?" Jiang Wei asked.

"Escort the Wei official's wagon outside the city to make sure our 'guests' aren't attacked by bandits." A note of anger rose in his voice but was quickly quelled. "I'm only escorting my lord to the meeting. But I managed to request lord Zhao Yun take over my bodyguard duties. He seemed only too happy to comply."

"Lord Zhao Yun?" Liu Shan mused. "What a rare opportunity. It would be lovely to see him again." For indeed, in his older age, Zhao Yun, once a fierce and proud general of Lord Liu Bei, had since spent his latter years teaching and shaping the new generation of warriors. With his prestige as a fierce warrior even till his old age and his fondness for teaching the art of battle, it was nothing less than a miracle to get Zhao Yun to return to any form of active military duty, even if it was just glorified babysitting in Liu Shan's opinion.

"But back to you, my lord," Jiang Wei pressed. "How are you feeling since yesterday? Last night's party was…" Jiang Wei had a sharp intake of air. "…exuberant."

Liu Shan pretended to not notice the strain forming on Jiang Wei's smile. "As you can see, I did not nearly consume enough alcohol apparently. But I otherwise am alright. Guan Ping and I had a bit of a scare this morning."

"Oh?" Jiang Wei asked. "What happened?"

Liu Shan and Guan Ping both quickly glanced at each other, faces flushed, a cold sweat tracing down both their foreheads.

_1 hour ago_

_It was way too early for any servant outside of the guards to be present and despite himself, Liu Shan had woken, again, earlier than intended. Twice in a month seemed to be a new record._

_Intending only to grab some water before preparing himself for the day, he did not get changed. Nor did he, in his infinite wisdom, decided that he would put something over his naked body. So it was only after grabbing a jug of water from the main foyer that he noticed that he was, in fact, not alone. Guan Ping's jaw was to the ground, eyes staring first at Liu Shan's head, then his torso, and finally his loins. Liu Shan replied in kind, noting Guan Ping's discarded clothes in the corner._

_"_ _Why are you here?! Why are you naked?!" Liu Shan shrieked._

_"_ _Why are YOU NAKED?!"_

_"_ _AAAH_ _‼"_

_"_ _AAAAH_ _‼‼"_

_The screaming went on for at least ten more minutes, in between which the jug of water had escaped Liu Shan's grip and left the emperor rather moist and flushed, with nothing to hide behind._

"…you don't want to know, Jiang Wei," was Liu Shan's only reply. Sensing his lord's hesitance, Jiang Wei said no more of it.

Liu Shan stopped just before the door to the study, arms unfolded, and gave a nod to the guards standing watch. They bowed slightly and opened the doors and the trio entered the study.

This study was similar in a lot of ways to Liu Shan's own private study but what made it so special and the reason why everyone was forced to have the meeting here was two-fold. Firstly, it was much larger. In fact it was the largest study in the country and it was largely due to the insistence of Zhuge Liang. Wall after wall were covered in glossy, wooden shelves stacked full with scrolls. Supposedly, Liu Shan was told once before, there was actually a systematic system for scholars to find the specific scroll they were after but apparently the system itself was so complicated only a true scholar could comprehend it. But, secondly and more importantly, the study was difficult to find, hidden in one of the more complex mazes of the palace. With Wei officials still in the palace, roaming the grounds as they pleased, it would make sense that the meeting would be held in the one place they couldn't find even if they tried.

Jiang Wei quickly separated, seeking out Zhuge Liang by one corner of the study, leaving Liu Shan and Guan Ping to survey the room. Liu Shan vaguely recognised a few scholars and ministers talking in hushed tones—perhaps due to the quiet echo of the room making everyone quiet— but instead his eyes locked on to the odd man out, who gazed wistfully outside. Liu Shan slowly approached him, a careful eye noticing the wrinkles when he smiles, tired, drooping eyes, and yet a confident smile that commanded authority, respect. It was a smile that Liu Shan envied, a smile that he wished he bore instead of the foolish, innocent smile he seemed incapable of forming today. Not even the sight of his saviour and role model could make it appear.

"Zhao Yun," Liu Shan whispered. "It's been a while."

His eyes fluttered slightly, as if it took him so long to comprehend the words, and then he turned his body. Upon sight of the emperor, his head tilted slightly, a youthful grin tugging at his cheeks. "Well, young master, it certainly has been! And you too, Guan Ping! How do you fare?"

Guan Ping blushed, and understandably so. Talking to Zhao Yun always felt like talking to a celebrity. "I-I'm fine! U-Uh…and…you?"

Zhao Yun laughed, which only served to hide the creases of age on his forehead. "It's not my concerns you should be worried about but your lord, Guan Ping."

"S-sorry, Lord Zhao Yun." Guan Ping bowed shamefully.

"It's alright," Zhao Yun raised his hands, commanding Guan Ping to rise. "It is just something to remember. I, personally, have had a pleasant morning."

"O-oh!" Guan Ping fidgeted. "Did something happen to you then? Er, I mean, if you may, Lord Zhao Yun?"

Liu Shan always envied his father's ability to gain the respect of so many people but even though Zhao Yun only held a fraction of the persuasive powers his father was bestowed with, it was still impressive to see it in action. A pang of jealousy struck somewhere in his chest. However he acted like, Liu Shan never had the same kind of success himself. "I wish I could weave a lovely tale out of it like our young master can but there's simply nothing to say." Zhao Yun turned to Liu Shan. "What about you, Lord Liu Shan? Your banquet appeared to be a success."

He would like to say Zhao Yun was lying but the earnestness in the older general's expressions made it difficult to distrust him unlike with Jiang Wei. "You were there?"

Zhao Yun shook his head. "Not personally but my wife was present and she thought the banquet was splendid. Although," Zhao Yun frowned, "she mentioned something about a drinking contest?"

The sweat on Guan Ping's forehead glistened in the sunlight. "I, um…should get going." Guan Ping said quickly, a short bow signaling his leave before he jogged out of the study.

Zhao Yun only stared, confused. "I didn't even get to say goodbye."

Liu Shan could finally muster a smile but it was born out of politeness. It lacked the warmth and strength of his regular, foolish smile. "Well, he did say he had some urgent duties he must perform today. But first, we must properly catch up, Zhao Yun. It truly has been a while since I have seen you."

Liu Shan gestured to an empty, nearby table and the both of them made themselves comfortable. It was a table meant for scribes and scholars, meaning it wasn't as fancy or as comfortable as others he had sat upon but he's had worst, he thought. Zhao Yun's posture was straight and erect when he sat down, one hand on his seat and the other on his spear in preparation of attack. Zhao Yun scanned the room for threats before he allowed himself to relax, however slightly. "So how have things been, my lord?" He smiled. "Any story you have for me?"

His arms were folded in front of himself, hidden by the table. Right hand fingers drummed on right thigh. "Sadly, I am the same as you in that I do not have much to tell." Liu Shan paused before adding, "You have heard maybe about Xingcai then?"

Zhao Yun shook his head. "Did something happen to her?"

Liu Shan was a bit surprised the older general did not get an invitation to the wedding but then again, he had to admit that Zhao Yun was becoming less attentive, less concerned over the small things in life. It was possible he might have forgot. But instead of refreshing Zhao Yun's mind, Liu Shan went to a different topic. "You might have heard the rumours about our Wei ambassador and his… _fondness_ for Xingcai."

Zhao Yun snickered lightly. "You almost sound like you're jealous, my lord."

Liu Shan was indignant at the accusation, hands gripping the edge of his seat. "This has nothing to do with me!" His voice broke the calm of the room, adding, softer and quieter, "W-what I mean to say is it does not bother me all that much." He leaned further back into his seat, the blush of affront painted his cheeks. "I am however a bit worried for Xingcai's wellbeing. Regardless of whether their hearts ring for each other, I am almost certain there won't be a happy ending to their love story."

"Hmm." The general rubbed his chin in thought. "As much as I would like to disagree, I must admit, a romance between two warring kingdoms is…difficult to say the least."

Liu Shan frowned, thoughts of his deceased father on his deathbed, his mother mourning as his eyes slowly closed shut. His voice came out darker, deeper than he intended. "Are you implying something, Zhao Yun?"

Zhao Yun blinked once in confusion, blinked a second time in epiphany. "I apologise, my lord, you know I did not mean to imply anything although…" Zhao Yun silently hissed under his teeth. "…I again apologise in advance if this offends you but I remember the first years of our late lord's marriage with the Lady Sun being difficult for the both of them. They were married, after all, because of politics."

Liu Shan hummed in agreement. He knew first hand how difficult both his parents could be. "It's hard to be in love with someone you cannot be with. I guess I just do not want her to suffer that fate." He admitted.

"But my lord," Zhao Yun said, "You need not be so concerned for her safety. Xingcai is a strong woman, in both body and mind. And her job is to protect you. Plus," he winked, "I don't think even Liu Bei fretted over my safety as much as you are right now for Xingcai."

This time there was a **very** strong message that Zhao Yun was sending, and it was one Liu Shan really did not want to deal with this morning. "Ha ha ha" was Liu Shan's attempt to try and divert the subject but all that came out was some unenthusiastic fake laughing and a horrible looking grimace. "Very funny, Zhao Yun."

Depending on how Liu Shan saw it, it was either fortunate or unfortunate timing that the meeting was about to begin, feet shuffling into seats, servants rapidly rearranging and combining desks so as to fit the small party inside the study. The murmur of talk had halted as people took their position and Liu Shan thought it best that he mobilized himself to the front of the desk. It wasn't hard to tell which side he was supposed to sit on, the rose tinted shine of the varnished mahogany chair a stark contrast to the dull black-brown of the desks and chairs. As if it they weren't making it obvious enough that this was the emperor's seat, there already were two servants standing by, one carrying a tray of light snacks and water, the other carrying a cushion for his seat—just in case. While Liu Shan made no big announcement about his being here—the meeting was supposed to be secret — Liu Shan thought the two servants being here unnecessary but he could hardly tell them to leave now in front of everyone. He sat down at his designated spot at the head of the table, the servant with the cushion pushing his seat into position. Zhao Yun took a spot by the corner of the room, giving himself a vantage point of the lone exit and the meeting itself. His stance and spear, even after all this time, still rung true the tale of a veteran warrior.

Everybody had taken their seat, save for an empty spot at the opposite end of the table. Whispers took hold of the air once again, the majority talking about the lone absentee. The meeting was already behind schedule and tardiness was treated as though the man had lost face. These whispers took hold, grew in volume, with few now silent save for the servants and guards and Lord Liu Shan, who just watched the quiet unrest grew larger with a furrow in his brows.

Three knocks on the table silenced the crowd. The ministers watched as the man slowly rose from his seat. The grip on his feather fan barely wavered in his ascent. "I believe this would be a good time to start the meeting. Even if we are missing someone." Zhuge Liang gave but a fleeting glance to the unoccupied chair. As always, Liu Shan noted, his voice was as smooth as honey. "Now, I am sure many of you are questioning the circumstances of which I called this emergency meeting and to which I reply that if things go to plan, an emergency will not occur."

"And might I ask what this emergency is, Lord Zhuge Liang?" A minister asked.

Zhuge Liang regarded the man with a careful eye, as if evaluating whether or not the man was worthy enough to know. "There have been a number of disturbances around the town area since the arrival of the Wei ambassadors. Some domestic, others relating to the conduct of a few Wei soldiers." Liu Shan had a feeling the incident in question with the Wei soldiers must have happened last night after his banquet ended. A lot of people left drunk last night. "There is a small chance that the timing of these attacks are purely coincidental, not small enough that it is not insignificant I might add, but coupled with them are reports from various soldiers and spies is that there is a shift in movement within our humble guests. With these two facts before us, we gain an insight into their minds which we can use."

There was a murmur between the ministers, all about their distaste for Wei. But Liu Shan cocked his head to the side. This was sounding familiar, a little like the horrible idea Jiang Wei gave days before. He hoped he was wrong.

Another minister asked, "And what is this 'insight' that we obtain? Are we to believe your 'theories' on what sounds like harmless coincidences?"

Zhuge Liang stopped fanning himself, the fan perfectly still in front of his mouth. Sign language that Liu Shan had long known was Zhuge Liang's way of demonstrating his displeasure. "It would be foolish to assume our Wei guests are here without purpose. Talks to their ambassador are few and far in between and there has been little achieved in them. Unless Marquis Zhu Ling is only here to enjoy the splendors of our land and people," Zhuge Liang's gaze swept the room, and yet Liu Shan couldn't help but feel that the strategist's eyes were especially on himself. "I am certain he has some other plan for us."

"But what does this have to do with this meeting?" One of the nobles said. "I have had nothing to do with these 'guests' of ours so I don't see why my presence is needed."

There was a tug on Zhuge Liang's, the beginnings of a small smirk, and at the sight Liu Shan had to refrain from groaning. This could only mean a longwinded speech. "You are correct. Your presence may not be needed." Zhuge Liang replied.

"H-huh? W…what do you mean?"

The fan fluttered in Zhuge Liang's hand once more and again Liu Shan had to fight back the urge to groan. "To be more specific, only a fraction of the people here will be necessary for my plan to bear fruit but the rest of you may still be needed on the small chance our Wei guests do not move as expected. For there are only two true courses of events that our guests will make if they are here and that is to leave us in peace or plan our demise. I am of the opinion that the latter is most likely."

"Why do you think that, Lord Zhuge Liang?" Another said.

"Simple," he replied. "Our ambassador's party has arrived here with hundreds of troops, more than double the amount of staff than before. The ratio of soldiers to servants is also significant. Not only that, but in Zhu Ling's service is the general Xiahou Ba and the strategist Guo Huai, both prided by Cao Cao and Cao Pi in their lifetime. I cannot imagine why he would bring these people along if he does not have a plan in place."

More questions were being asked but Liu Shan had stopped listening by this time. He just wanted to slam his hands down on the table and chide Zhuge Liang for his stupidity. OF COURSE they'd have more soldiers, Wei is at war with Jin! It's not that difficult a stretch to imagine them needing more soldiers to ensure survival should they get into a clash. As for bringing Xiahou Ba and Guo Huai along, he knew from the few conversations with Zhu Ling that Xiahou Ba was there as a bodyguard for Zhu Ling whilst Guo Huai was purely a supervisor to Xiahou Ba, the frail man being superior in rank out of the two. It seemed so obvious to him and yet everybody else were now eating out of Zhuge Liang's hand, just taking his word for granted as he used this opportunity to flaunt the intellect he had. Liu Shan respected Zhuge Liang. After all, the man was his mentor for much of his life. But at the same time, there were times that he could not stand the strategist's ego. Today was one of those days.

Liu Shan's mind wandered inevitably, as it often did when he loses interest in something. Usually it conjured something pleasant, imagery of the countryside and the painted sky floating around him. He, weightless and removed from this world, could hover; explore this realm detached from himself. But today, it only reminded him of last night, the starry night in the background, the mask from his dreams. It drew his gaze to his reflection in the shiny, lacquered surface of the table, the lack of warmth and kindness he normally had and the absence of the fake smile he had worn until today. It did little to bring about the return of his smile and the comfortable mask he had worn until today. Why did his mask seem so detestable today?

It took him a few seconds to realize that people were now standing up, ready to leave, and he took his time to rise too. The servant carrying the snacks and drinks lowered his head, platter held out in front of him but Liu Shan refused with a wave of his hand. His appetite had left him. Liu Shan watched everybody leave, waited until everyone had left before he moved towards Zhao Yun. The general's stance had not changed since the start of the meeting, relaxing slightly only when Liu Shan was close.

"For a short meeting, that seemed to went on for a while." Zhao Yun commented.

"Ah, that is politics for you." Liu Shan tried to laugh but what came out was a snort. "Takes much longer than it really needs to be. Zhuge Liang seems to have a habit of over explaining anyways."

Zhao Yun's head tilted. "Speaking of which…"

Liu Shan turned to find Zhuge Liang slowly approaching him, Jiang Wei keeping pace by his right side. Zhuge Liang nodded in greeting. "It is good that you stayed behind. I had been meaning to speak with you, my lord."

Liu Shan blinked. "You knew for me to stay behind?"

"Ah, no." Zhuge Liang shook his head in mirth. "Call it a premonition if you like. I just want to ask how your progress is with the plan."

Liu Shan stared at him. "What plan?"

The corner of Zhuge Liang's lips dipped. "Did Jiang Wei not tell you about my strategy? You were to befriend Zhu Ling, don't you remember?"

This time, Liu Shan let out a groan. That stupid plan? he thought. It figured that it had something to do with Zhuge Liang. Regardless, he at least managed to maintain a calm voice. "I'm sorry, it seemed I forgot." Liu Shan lied. "But even if I did remember, Zhu Ling did not seem comfortable talking with me. In fact, he seemed a bit more interested in other people than he was talking to me."

Zhuge Liang hummed in thought. "You are talking about Xingcai, correct?"

Liu Shan's eyes widened, perturbed. "You know, Zhuge Liang?"

"No." Zhuge Liang said. "I hate to admit it but I did not see it myself. My wife had pointed out that Zhu Ling seemed to have a rather peculiar fixation on the young Lady Xingcai." He fluttered his fan slightly. "I would not be surprised if he makes a move on her."

"You did not mention this in the meeting," Liu Shan replied. He still half remembered what was said even if he wasn't paying attention.

"I did not solely because I believe you would not be too pleased with me mentioning Xingcai and her relationship with this man. And I am also sure you would not be pleased right now if I told you I cannot ascertain whether his feelings for Xingcai are genuine or a ruse."

Liu Shan said nothing and looked away from Zhuge Liang, instead fixating his view to a particular bookshelf. It shouldn't bother him that Zhu Ling liked Xingcai in that way and yet it did. Zhu Ling's attraction to Xingcai bothered Liu Shan very much.

"My lord," Zhuge Liang continued, "it will be difficult to hear but we have to make sure Xingcai seduces Zhu Ling."

"We?" Liu Shan scoffed sardonically.

"I understand that this is not what you may want but this is necessary for my strategy. If Xingcai were to seduce Zhu Ling today, before he goes off, then perhaps we can thwart his plan before the seeds of chaos bear fruit."

That ugly word, 'chaos'. How he hated it. It stirred something in him, the darkness he had been repressing finally reaching the light. Like a typhoon, all of his stress and anger surfaced, an ugly scowl clawed up Liu Shan's face. "Look, I do not care to listen to this anymore. This might be the most brilliant plan there is but all I see is cowardice from the both of you," Liu Shan's head turned to Jiang Wei. "If you want Xingcai to do something for you, you have all the jurisdiction to ask her yourself, I do not want a part in this. Have you not considered her feelings? Her motivations? Do you truly believe her to be heartless enough to just use a man for her own personal gains?"

Zhuge Liang started, "My Lord…"

"Enough." Liu Shan interrupted. "It's simple enough to see that there simply are not enough soldiers to do an attack on the castle and there are too few opportunities to assassinate anybody of importance without alerting everybody. But most importantly, I am not going to be the harbinger of Xingcai's misery. Unless you have anything else to say I'm leaving. Got it?"

It was silent for a few seconds then, timidly, quietly, Jiang Wei said, "There's something off about you today, my lord."

Liu Shan just stood there for a second, shaking his head wildly before pushing past the strategist pair and stormed out of the library, Zhao Yun quick on his heels.

"L-Lord Liu Shan! Are you sure you're alright, young lord? You do look a bit upset today."

"I'm fine." Liu Shan muttered. And strangely, he was. Fine, that is. For some strange reason, a wave of relief flooded him, as though a weight he did not know he was carrying was lifted off his shoulders. The storm had passed. "I'm…fine, actually." He repeated, slowly beginning to comprehend his whirlwind of emotions.

Zhao Yun frowned. "If you say so, young master," and said nothing more as he followed his lord outside into the fresh, open air.

* * *

Liu Shan would normally be calm by now, regained the collectedness he had lost for this morning. After all, he was now in the place he was most at peace, wandering the garden path, taking in the scent of sweet blooms, the pitter patter of a nearby fountain, the quiet chirps of nature. It concocted an image of peace, humans one with nature, the quiet chaos nature created obscured by an everyday calm. He never really knew why he liked the garden so much. Unlike nature it was confined by humans, shaped and cultivated to a specific standard of beauty, things that normally Liu Shan did not like and yet he could not help but marvel in its beauty, the majesty of what may be. Maybe he just could not stand being stuffed inside with nothing to do. Maybe he felt more comfortable here, in the one place outside his bedroom that is rarely occupied.

As he sat under the shade of his father's peach tree, eyes closed, leaves obscuring the sunlight from striking his body, it did not bring back the same feeling of comfort and protection it used to. Instead of reminding him of the peace the world was capable of, it summoned a specific picture. A memory. It was of Xingcai, wearing a dress so gorgeous he could never imagine her looking more beautiful than she did. Shrouded in darkness with only the faint light of the palace and the moon illuminating her, she smiled contently. How she leaned towards him, the jacket that stunk of him resting on her shoulders, kissable crimson lips puckered ever so slightly, ebony hair that beckoned him to touch and hold. Try as he might, he could not take his eyes off the bench nearby they had sat upon last night, imagined the things he could do in the dim light. Held her, caressed her, kissed her. Yet this retrospective thinking of the past gave him little comfort. It did not answer the question that plagued his mind, the true reason for his cheerlessness.

Liu Shan opened his eyes, defeated. It had always come to him suddenly, a flash of a hint and the answer seems to be before him but just before his epiphany, the answer hides away, eluding him. A sigh escaped his lips.

"Something bothering you?" Zhao Yun piqued beside him.

"Ah, nothing." Liu Shan mumbled. "Nothing you could help me with anyway."

"Are you sure? Perhaps a second opinion might be useful, and I would be happy to serve you any way I can."

For a second, Liu Shan genuinely considered whether to tell Zhao Yun the truth. The whole truth. That he had been lying from the start, lying about who he was, his ambitions, his capabilities. That he still hasn't come to terms with the fact that Zhu Ling likes Xingcai. That he's afraid of losing her.

"Lord Liu Shan?"

"Huh? O-oh…" Liu Shan scratched his head. "It's really nothing. But thank you for the offer."

Zhao Yun sighs, not pleased with the answer. "So does this mean you are going to stay here? You cannot afford to waste time here today, not with the Wei officials about to leave."

Liu Shan handwaved the comment. "It's not like there is anything for me to do."

"You could supervise, my lord. Check on progress. Make sure everything goes as planned." Zhao Yun paused before adding, "I do not think Zhuge Liang will do it either. If today said anything, he has grander schemes in mind."

He could go, Liu Shan thought, and if he was feeling himself, he should be there. But even obligations and expectations motivated the emperor little to move from his comfy spot under the tree. Perhaps if he stayed here longer, his sanity will return.

"But what am I to do there anyway?" Liu Shan asked. "Just stand around and watch people? Is it not better for me to be here anyway, out of everybody's hair?"

"Better to be there than here, moping by yourself."

"I wasn't…" But Liu Shan didn't finish, for if he did finish his sentence he knew it would be a lie."…Perhaps you are right. But I do not want to go there yet."

Zhao Yun's features softened into pity. "Is it Xingcai, my lord?"

"How did you…?" Liu Shan turned his head away, did not want to look Zhao Yun in the eye.

"So it is her, the reason for your sadness." Zhao Yun whispered.

"Not exactly." Liu Shan sighed. "It's more like…I'm tired."

One of Zhao Yun's eyebrows raise. "Tired, my lord?"

Liu Shan nodded. Tired. That was the closest word to it. He was tired. Of the responsibilities he held. Of trying to meet expectations and failing them, time after time. Of pretending to be a simple fool and pretending to not know what is going on in front of him. Most importantly, it was a tiredness of lying to himself, to deny himself his want and need for Xingcai. But if he indulged in her presence now, how was he to act? Everyone already thought he was acting strange today, the one day he had been more true to his own feelings than he'd ever been in recent memory.

Suddenly, what little comfort the garden had gave him disappeared and instead a mournful longing filled with heart, seeped into his bones. The colours seemed faded, forgettable. Even his memory was becoming less and less saturated, the only thing that remains in clarity is his prone hands beside him and the crimson tint of Xingcai's lips.

Liu Shan turned his head just in time to see Zhao Yun crouching down beside him. A sad smile was splayed on Zhao Yun's face. "Everyone feels this, Lord Liu Shan, it's natural." Zhao Yun extended his hand. "But lying down here by yourself will not help you. Come. It's time for us to go."

Liu Shan sighed as he took one last look of his surroundings. All desire to stay had since left him. He took Zhao Yun's hand into his own and stood up. "Alright, Zhao Yun." He said. "But I do not think my supervision will amount to anything today. Best to go somewhere else."

Zhao Yun shrugged. "It's your call, my lord."

A quick nod of acknowledgement, the young emperor walked out of the gardens, only giving a quick glance back at the bench he and Xingcai had sat last night, the memory clear and fresh in his mind. He walked out of the gardens, Zhao Yun by his right hand side, and continued on, his destination unknown.

Liu Shan never liked the hallways of the palace, it was too spotless, too _nice_. And he was wary of things that looked too good to be true. His existence was a constant reminder of the blood spilled for him to even be the emperor on his gilded throne, the betrayal. Lies lined the well-crafted columns, made up the glue that kept the palace together. Lies were perpetrators of chaos. It was perhaps irony or the ill will of the gods that a man like himself who detested chaos so much was so easy to lie to others to suit his needs. The irony was not lost on him, nor did it amuse him. On a whim, he entertained the thought of allowing his hands to glide on the walls like a child would do out of boredom but decided that it probably would not be appropriate to do, especially with Zhao Yun around.

Now that he thought about it, it was probably his lies that had caused this mess, toyed with his emotions. The damage was undeniably irreparable.

As he approached the royal stables, the noise of activity became louder and louder. At its entrance, Liu Shan peeked outside and saw the servants moving at breakneck speeds to get the finishing touches, hanging decorations and cleaning the area, placing rugs and mats so as to not get the officials feet muddy on the soft soil underfoot.

"Hmph. They work pretty hard, don't they?"

Liu Shan did not turn his head as Zhu Ling approached him. Liu Shan could see from the corner of his eye Zhu Ling adjust his scarf with one hand. "I suppose so, Lord Zhu Ling."

Zhu Ling smirked. "Not that you would ever know, would you, your majesty? It must be so lucky to be on the throne, not having to lift a finger if you so choose."

Zhao Yun bristled, the grip on his spear tightening, but Liu Shan raised an arm up to stop him. Zhao Yun's grip did not loosen one bit as he eyed the cocksure Zhu Ling.

Liu Shan turned his head, expressing no emotion. "Do you want something from me?"

Zhu Ling's smirk did not fade. "Actually, I do. I was actually hoping on talking to you. Privately, that is."

Before Liu Shan could reply, Zhao Yun added, "I am not abandoning my lord. If you wish to talk to him, I am to remain present."

Zhu Ling crossed his arms. "All the more reason for you to not be present. Beside which," Zhu Ling turned to Liu Shan, "I am sure the young emperor would want to hear what I have to say. In fact, I am quite sure he too would prefer privacy."

Zhao Yun took umbrage to the comment. Liu Shan noted how white his knuckles were from gripping his spear, as if he was holding on to the last tether to peace before he explodes. "I am not going to repeat myself, ambassador. If you wish young master any harm, I'll…" Zhao Yun grunted in displeasure. "Lord Liu Shan. Tell me we are going to go on our way."

But Liu Shan did not say anything. Zhu Ling had to be talking about Xingcai. But what about Xingcai? What was he going to say? But at the same time, being in the same room as him alone…

Zhao Yun's anger went sullen in the emperor's silence. "…Lord Liu Shan?"

It was a flash of a grimace, too fast for either of the men to see. A sign that Liu Shan had made a decision. "…Fine, Zhu Ling. You want an audience with me, I suggest we move now."

"Wait, young lord, do you understand what you are saying?"

"Oh, he knows what he's saying." Zhu Ling gave a sardonic smile, before turning to Liu Shan. "Isn't that right, _my lord_?"

Once again, Liu Shan did not say anything, just stared ahead looking for the nearest room to go to. His attention, however, was on the sword that hung by Zhu Ling's side. Professionally made. Used. _I hope I know what I'm getting myself into._ His hands went into his sleeves.

They finally found an empty room, sparse and undecorated. It made it look much larger than it actually was, being no bigger than Liu Shan's own chambers. There was a tradition in the palace, dating all the way back to Liu Bei's rule, that if a noble family were to be wiped out with no descendants their rooms would be rid of furniture and be empty for a year. The only decoration that would be allowed would be gifts for the dead. It was thought that the spirits of the dead would naturally attach themselves to their abode hence the desire to turn said room into a shrine. Liu Shan remembered there being several of these rooms when he was young. He also remembered the pity he felt when he saw these rooms empty, as though with their death their entire existence was forgotten. He remembered his father admitting that the tradition was a bit too somber for his liking. Liu Bei probably wouldn't have liked the fact that his own bedroom had become another one of these shrines.

Zhu Ling strided in and Liu Shan, hesitant in entering such a sacred space for but a second, eventually entered the room too. Zhao Yun stood outside the doorway, his eyes searching into Liu Shan's own, pleading, begging him to not go through this. Liu Shan's reply was a small shake of the head. Zhao Yun closed the door, not before giving one last meaningful look at Liu Shan and Zhu Ling.

The door closed with a thud. Immediately after, Zhu Ling groans, stretching his hands behind him.

"Phew," Zhu Ling said. "I was wondering when that guy would leave."

"For an ambassador of Wei, you certainly don't seem to understand the meaning of 'etiquette'."

Zhu ling scourned at Liu Shan's comment. "You were not much better against my predecessors. I remember what they said about you. That you were some idiot. That you were a genius. That you were all these contradictions, bundled in one, with no consensus. No one could make heads or tails about you. And I find that strange."

The ambassador's gaze burned into Liu Shan, to which the emperor replied with a blazing stare of his own. It was a showdown, a mental battle of wits, looking for any sign of weakness in their opponent. Liu Shan did not like this. This was even worse than talking about Xingcai. To be so easily figured out, for his opponents to understand him. Zhu Ling's hand hovered above his sword. Liu Shan felt for the thin daggers he kept beneath his sleeves. A plan was already beginning to form should this turn into a fight. Disorientate Zhu Ling with a slap to his ear and run out. Zhao Yun can take care of the rest. Yes, that was it. That was what he should do.

The stares intensified. Both men reached closer for their weapons. The first move will win the battle, he thought. A fraction of a second and I am dead. Their gazes kept until, finally, Zhu Ling grumbled and broke his sight away from Liu Shan. "That…wasn't what I wanted to talk about." Liu Shan could barely refrain from sighing. That was a bit close. "I wanted to talk about Xingcai. Before I have to go."

This time, Liu Shan did allow a sigh of relief to come out. "Is that all?" He asked.

"That all?! What, would you rather I talk about your barbaric taste in fur?"

Liu Shan chuckled sardonically. "Says the man wearing a scarf in spring."

Zhu Ling clutched the scarf, as though it was a strike to his ego. "I-I…" He shook his head violently. "Urgh. Let us stop this foolishness before we both run out of time."

"If we must." Although Liu Shan couldn't say that he wasn't having fun from this. Who knew Zhu Ling could get flustered so easily?

"Lord Liu Shan, I…" His words faded away and a softer, more contemplative expression popped up on Zhu Ling's face but Liu Shan saw it. He recognised the look. It was a look of longing, the subject of which must be Xingcai. It was the same look Liu Shan himself had made many times before. "I…"

Liu Shan pulled his hand up. "You do not need to say anything, I understand. And the answer I have for you is it's her choice, not mine."

Zhu Ling shook his head. "But I know how desired Xingcai is in your kingdom. That blockhead son of the god of war. You."

"N-now hold on, I—"

"Don't! Deny it." Zhu Ling interrupted.

"I…" Liu Shan sighed, defeated. "Look, that may be true but I meant what I said before. Just because I am the emperor does not mean my power over her is absolute. If you're here to ask for blessings or…whatever it is you are here for, I hold no power over who she is betrothed to." _Sadly_ he couldn't help but muse.

Zhu Ling crossed his arms. "I know that."

An eyebrow raised up. "Then why are you here?"

"Confirming my suspicions." Zhu Ling replied. "About what Xingcai sees in you. What you mean to her."

Liu Shan frowned. "So you are analyzing me? As though I am some sort of threat to you?" He scoffed. "You have heard the rumours about my idiocy. Do you think she would be interested in me?" He paused before adding, "Have you done this with Guan Ping?"

It was Zhu Ling's turn to scoff. "Him? No way in heaven's will. That man means nothing to me."

"Then…" Liu Shan's words almost failed him. Zhu Ling wasn't suggesting what Liu Shan thought he was suggesting, was he? "…what are you saying?"

Zhu Ling studied the emperor for a second, as though he was judging to see whether or not he should divulge this. But then his cocky smirk appears, cold and sinister, and with a deep voice, he replied, "Because you **are** a threat to me and Xingcai. Not Guan Ping."

He could feel the heat of fury rise in his bones at Zhu Ling's condescending smirk but he stood his ground, remained detached even as the man pats Liu Shan's shoulders in a patronizing way. Liu Shan flicked the hand off his shoulder. "I know why you asked me here."

Zhu Ling leaned in. "And why is that, my dear emperor?"

"Because you fear me." He coolly replied. "You're jealous."

At the words, Zhu Ling's eyes shot wide open. He took a step back, as if bracing himself for the worst. And by the heavens, Liu Shan was going to make sure he did just that.

"You're only here because you think I am some weak-willed imbecile, forever waited on hand and foot, rehearsing a performance like a puppet on strings before a show. So you come here, anger my people, whittle down what little chance our kingdoms had for an alliance, for peace, just so you can have the last laugh and win the girl as though she is a prize. But your ego is bruised because you know Xingcai does not like you that way and so you try to mend it by instigating drinking competitions and threaten me in this claustrophobically tiny room. Is that right?"

Zhu Ling is silent, flabbergasted, afraid.

"I said! Is that correct?!" Liu Shan asked, more assertive this time.

Zhu Ling looked at his feet and nodded, slowly. "Y-yes." He whimpered softly.

"What did you say?" Liu Shan asked grimly.

"Y-YES!" Zhu Ling all but cried. "I-I am sorry. H-honestly. Don't k-kill me."

When Liu Shan saw the fear in Zhu Ling's eyes, all hatred was gone and surprised filled in the cracks. It was like seeing the morning sun for the first time, the possibility, however improbable, that he could instill fear into a person. Make them respect him. And yet…this was **Liu Shan**. Not the idiot he's been pretending to be for years, not the fake smile he'd been wearing. This was the real him, slipped out from his shell into the daylight. For so long, he was under the impression that his real self was an ineffective leader, one that people would not listen to, but if Zhu Ling was frightened by him…

"Leave. Now." Liu Shan gestured to the door. "Go before I really do consider doing something _unpleasant_ to you."

Too shocked to speak, his lips flapping about uselessly, Zhu Ling left with his tail tucked between his legs, leaving Liu Shan to contemplate alone the look of fright on Zhu Ling. The image replayed in his mind, back and forth, back and forth. With every repeat, his grumbling only continued to grew.

"Hmm. Maybe there really is something wrong with me today." He mumbled to himself as he left behind the abandoned room for good.

* * *

Many hours later, the Wei ambassadorial party left with a celebration. Music filled the air, the royal stables once again adorned with alternating green and blue decorations—of course, to represent their respective kingdoms—and there was a small, polite party of nobles who were on the sidelines, waiting to wave goodbye as is protocol. But the Wei ambassadors had not left yet. Rather, this right now was the time for goodbyes and shows of respect, for Shu to wish their party safe travel on their way back, for Wei to say their gratitude for their stay in the host's kingdom. Purely for formality's sake, this included Liu Shan and Zhu Ling, who said their empty words to each other, their cordiality only on the surface. But even then, after Liu Shan had time to ponder over his next move, there was no denying the apprehension in Zhu Ling's eyes as their gaze connected. Zhu Ling was only too quick to end the conversation, quickly walking away once their pieces had been said.

Liu Shan moved to a corner, far away from the hustle and bustle, and observed as Zhu Ling approached Xingcai, who watched from a similarly isolated corner the processions. Her eyes widen when she turned to see Zhu Ling but from this distance it was hard to see whether it was a good surprise or a bad surprise for her. But it mattered little for his concentration was more on Zhu Ling, how his face softened as he began speaking. Liu Shan by no means could lip read but he had a pretty good guess of what they were saying.

"Xingcai?" Zhu Ling gave a soft, love-struck smile.

"Yes?"

Liu Shan imagined Zhu Ling said something along the lines of, "I must tell you this. Before I go. I…" Zhu Ling continued to say something but it was hard to tell if it was silent murmuring or if he was talking out loud. What followed was a bit easier to guess, "The time we've spent together has been wonderful. And I know it's only been a short time since we've known each other but…I love you."

It may had only been Liu Shan's guess on what Zhu Ling said but the 'I love you' was as clear as day, even from this distance. Xingcai gasped, whether it was audible or not he had no clue. For a few seconds, she looked uncertain, as though she was conflicted in her answer, and it made Liu Shan's heart sink lower and lower. She wasn't going to accept, was she? She couldn't. She cannot.

Then, for a split second, her eyes looked in his direction and he swore she was staring at him with the same intensity that he was staring at her. Liu Shan quickly turned his head, trying to distract himself with the music and the people but really his thoughts were on whether she was still looking at him, not that he would ever risk the chance of letting Xingcai know he was staring at her. He allowed several seconds to pass before he turned his head back. By this time, Xingcai had turned back, suddenly taking a step to the side so that her back was to him, hiding her face from him, only allowing him to take in the curve of her spine. He was caught staring, he knew. Xingcai saw him.

With no way to hear and without Xingcai's face as a guiding point to where the conversation was going, Liu Shan was stuck solely relying on Zhu Ling's expressions and body language. He did not speak, it must have meant that Xingcai was speaking, but as time passed on, Zhu Ling's smile changed. His lips dipped down to a frown, his gaze went from Xingcai down to his feet. There was no cockiness or arrogance, no anger to be seen, just the slow trickle of melancholy to his face as Zhu Ling slowly took in the gravity of his words. There was no doubt what Xingcai said now. She had rejected him, and there was no doubt that she did not hold back one bit.

Zhu Ling said something, the nature of what he said indescribable, and Liu Shan saw Xingcai's body stiffen. Zhu Ling put a shoulder onto her and she relaxed, but only slightly. Liu Shan watched, curious and confused as to the meaning behind Zhu Ling's actions, but then suddenly Zhu Ling cupped her face and his eyes had closed and with little warning, his lips were upon Xingcai's. Liu Shan's stomach was in knots, his teeth gritted. And yet despite the ill feeling growing, Liu Shan only continued to watch as they slowly separated and Zhu Ling waved a solemn goodbye before walking away, Xingcai as unmoving as a mountain.

Liu Shan felt the compulsion to go to her and comfort her but just as he took one step forward, the music died down and everyone went quiet as the Wei guests took their first step onto the carpet. A different song started playing, an old Shu song about wishing goodluck to a departing loved one, fitting in an odd way. The guards were first to walk down, spears and swords in front as they ceremoniously led their way down the path. Then the guards were replaced by the high ranking guards, the attendants, before finally Zhu Ling himself, flanked on either side by Guo Huai and Xiahou Ba, took his walk. What little ceremony and grace Zhu Ling had was gone, the sadness he felt inside badly hidden behind his stoicism. Guo Huai and Xiahou Ba both seemed to have sensed the sadness, both trying to refrain from frowning as they walked by. The way the trio walked down the path, they looked like they had just came out of a funeral.

"Lord Liu Shan," whispered Xingcai.

At her voice, Liu Shan turned to suddenly find her by his side. He could barely refrain himself from smiling. Who knew that just having her around could make him feel so at ease so quickly. "Hey," he whispered back.

"You…saw Zhu Ling and I just now. D-didn't you?" She turned to the procession.

Liu Shan nodded, whispering, "I did."

"So…does that mean you saw us? Kiss, that is?" Xingcai's eyes were desperately trying to concentrate on the musicians and the well-wishing nobles in front of her.

Liu Shan had to turn his head to his shoulder so she could not see him grimace. "I regret to say that I did. I'm sorry. I am sure you wanted privacy for when you broke up with him."

Xingcai nodded slowly. "You saw everything." She sighed. "I'm not surprised. I think I might have gone too hard on him there. He looked as though he was going to cry."

"Mmm." He replied. "I noticed."

The Wei guests had now entered the carriage and with a flick of the wrist, the carriage driver reined the horses to move. Servants politely waved, the nobles watched, and the music was dying down to its quiet finale as the carriages moved further, and further, and further away. Liu Shan and Xingcai both looked on as the music stopped. He was only barely concentrating as the people began to disperse, the servants already beginning to clean up the banners and roll up the carpet. He did not notice Zhao Yun walking further and further away, observing Liu Shan from a distance as he had done to Xingcai.

It was Xingcai to break the silence between them. "My lord?"

"Hmm?"

"It's been a while. Since we've been together like this. Me by your side as your bodyguard."

Finally, Liu Shan turned to face her. "You do not have to return to duty anytime soon, you know. I've mentioned this many times before. You can take as long a break as you need."

She shook her head, brushing aside a stray hair on her fringe. "I could not. I am indebted to you, my lord. You helped me figure out my feelings for Zhu Ling."

"Come now, that is not true."

"But it is." Xingcai said. "What you said yesterday, about him not being the one for me, my doubts. What you said about love…" She stopped short, as if reminiscing the memory in her head. A tender smile grew as she stared at her feet. "…I will not forget those words. They were true. And if you did not say what you did, well…I might not be standing here right now."

Liu Shan avoided her gaze, the feeling of guilt looming overhead, but even as he tried to wallow in his own misery he couldn't help but smile as she smiled. Only she could do this to him, he thought. Only her. "You are smart, Xingcai. I do not think you would have made a different decision as you did today. And I do not doubt that you will find a man that's right for you in the future."

"I know." She lamented. "I suppose it just won't be Zhu Ling."

He placed a hand on her shoulder, a gesture he hoped would soothe her. His head tilted to the side as he gazed upon her. "Do not doubt yourself, Xingcai. You are a beautiful woman. One that any man would be lucky to have been blessed with you and your love."

Xingcai blushed. Perhaps it was his imagination but it seemed she smiled brighter. But it couldn't be. Not for him. "W-what about you?" Xingcai said. "You say such nice things about me but you always put yourself down."

"I don't need nice words." Liu Shan looked down and exhaled. "Besides, I don't deserve it. I've been acting pretty weird lately."

Xingcai's head tilted slightly. "How so?"

"I…I guess I've been tired lately." He admitted. "I don't feel like myself. More irritable. More easily upset. Perhaps I'm just stressed but I feel like I'm going to explode any second now." He added, "It's not very becoming, I realize, me feeling so irritable. I'm sure I must look like a right fool to have become so unstable as I am."

Xingcai placed a hand tenderly on his arm. The pressure she held onto him was enough to distract him, however slightly, from his own madness. "Liu Shan, you're only human. It's perfectly natural for you to feel like this."

Liu Shan smiled a bittersweet smile. He decided to not correct her in the lack of title. For some reason, his name sounded nicer without the title. Just Liu Shan. Only Liu Shan. "You wouldn't happen to know how to alleviate myself of this, would you?"

Xingcai smiled. "Sounds like you need to work out your stress. Come. I can set up some training dummies for you. Nothing is better than to punch your feelings out."

At the thought of him punching dummies, he couldn't help but chuckle. "Good to know that punching a dummy of hay is going to make me feel better."

"You never know, my lord. It might be just what you need."

Xingcai extended her hand but Liu Shan hesitated to grab it. This would send the wrong impression, wouldn't it? He could not have that.

Xingcai beckoned, "Come on, lord Liu Shan. Let's go."

When he grabbed her hand, all of his tiredness had gone and for the first time that day, Liu Shan could smile genuinely, sincerely. Upon seeing his smile, he thought he saw Xingcai giggle, her laughter the music that cleansed his soul. Gone was any thought of Zhao Yun, watching with a smile of his own in the distance, and gone was the possibility that someone else could see them. As the two walked the empty hallways, his stress lifted away and the two were in their own world.

It was her, he realized, that he needed. It was being deprived of Xingcai's presence, guidance, smile, that led to his misery. The more he thought about it, the more he realized he missed her. Missed all of her. The longing had progressed too far. Now, he realized, he was going to plummet without her. He needed her madly. Desperately. Because he loved her, and there was nothing he could do about it. With her hand in his, the feeling of her gentle skin upon his, he could do anything, just as long as Xingcai was there with him.

"Xingcai." He said as they continued down the path.

"What is it?"

"I missed having you around."

The resulting grin was dazzling, warmth radiating from her being as they walked, her smile the only answer she gave, the only answer he needed. It was from this blissful ignorance that he did not see the change in how she looked at him. The entire way to the training grounds, she never let go of his hand and if he was honest, her hand was more than enough for him.

 


	10. May Heaven and Earth strike us dead

_Yo my dudes. Total apologies for the REALLY late chapter but I've put my sweat and tears and possibly a doughnut in here to bring you what is no doubt my longest chapter ever. I know I said that the previous chapter but this is 50% bigger than the other. More stuff to enjoy, WHOOP WHOOP!  
_

_Any of you hyped for DW9, I know I am after I saw that trailer. I honestly don't care about anything as long as the gameplay's good and Liu Shan's new look is as good as everybody else because HOT DAMN those are some spicy dumplings (dumplings, of course, referring to the glorious ass of Zhao Yun because DAMN SON). I may or may not have my priorities screwed up but that's OK because you guys will never hear about it again. Unless, of course, you are reading this. In which case, I apologise._

_I know for the majority of you it's currently summer. Well, that sucks because it's winter here (curse you southern hemisphere) BUT that also means I'm on my holiday also. Expect the next chapter to come out PROMPTLY and hopefully not take me over two months to complete. Again, I apologise for the delay._

_As I always say, your reviews are SUPER duper motivating and I am convinced now that they have replaced food as my mode of sustenance. I am cool with ALL the reviews, ANY reviews. You never know, your ideas MAY just pop up in a future chapter (hint hint ;) )_

_So to finish off, I don't own Dynasty Warriors or the company that makes them. I don't own Liu Shan or Xingcai and I certainly do not own those magnificent dumplings we call Zhao Yun's ass. Apparently, you cannot own the body part of another person or something like that.  
_

Chapter 10: May heaven and earth strike us dead

Xingcai did not know how her mother had found out about her rejection of Zhu Ling. Xingcai had been holding onto the smallest hope that she could take a break from the whirlwind of romance that she had endured and become accustomed to over the last few weeks. It was only when she arrived home after Zhu Ling and his party left and after supervising Liu Shan in his 'work out'—which was really just Liu Shan punching a dummy over and over again—that she realised how exhausted mentally she was. As much as she liked Zhu Ling and found his company pleasant, it truly was a lot of effort to try to appease him and become the woman that he expected—no, wanted—her to be. But, as the night time retreated and the morning light took its place, Xingcai's mother, Lady Xiahou, had since learnt that Xingcai was not in fact planning to marry Zhu Ling anytime soon. The sigh of relief that came out of Lady Xiahou was short-lived and the rest of breakfast was spent with Xingcai listening to her mother detail more upcoming dates for Xingcai, with one suitor already planned to meet her for lunch. Xingcai did not even get to finish her porridge before she was whisked away and pampered by her mother, all in preparation for her newest date.

Three days, four people who desired to court Xingcai, and zero patience left. Though none of these dates were not particularly bad neither were they memorable and as each date left, all self-satisfied in their own individual ways that they had secured some form of relationship with Xingcai and her family, her fatigue increased. It was not a physical fatigue but a mental one, one that she had feared would affect her work as a bodyguard. She supposed it was truly blessed fortune that Liu Shan was strangely easy to work with, following whatever orders she gave and with little to no argument, not even an aside comment. In the past she would think that perhaps it was just a coincidence or that maybe he could unconsciously sense her stress but now she knew better, knew that Liu Shan was perfectly aware of how she was feeling and was acting accordingly.

There was no denying the irony and the hypocrisy of her actions. Her self as a child would secretly be gleeful in delight if she knew so many people were attracted to her but now she found it was no more than a chore. Her self as the then-new vassal of Liu Shan would have found the emperor grating to work beside and yet she couldn't imagine not being by his side. Nowadays, she had found herself enjoying his presence more, had embraced his company. For in these turbulent times where everything could so easily be blown away in the wind, Liu Shan, one of the flightiest man Xingcai had ever known, had now become her rock. Her warm, comforting, handsome rock…

Xingcai shook her head, her hand raised to cover her now-blushing cheeks. Lord Liu Shan was many things perhaps, especially of late, but not attractive enough to be considered handsome. Could he? She turned momentarily to Liu Shan, sitting across from her and reading a scroll a messenger had gave him earlier. His head leaned on his left hand, poker-faced as his eyes studied the scroll in front of him, up and down, up and down. If she tilted her head and concentrated on his lips, Xingcai thought, Liu Shan looked strikingly masculine. Leader-like, if you will.

Suddenly his eyes shot up and both their gazes lined up for a fraction of second before Xingcai quickly turned her head down, deciding to put all her interest onto the cup placed in front of her. She hoped he somehow did not hear what she thought, this wouldn't be the only time he somehow managed to glimpse into a person's heart.

Liu Shan's eyebrows furrowed slightly. "Are you alright, Xingcai?"

Xingcai did not dare look up in fear that the emperor could, in fact, read her mind. "I-I'm fine," She quickly drank the cup and set it down. "I was just…waiting for you."

Liu Shan placed the scroll down. "I'm sorry for keeping you waiting, Xingcai. Considering I barely saw you for a week, I was of the thought that you might not want to continue our 'romance' lessons."

"Well I would like to continue them again. I've had to meet a suitor every night almost. I wouldn't want to mess up somehow. Plus," she went down to a whisper, "it's exhausting having to cope with them all the time."

Liu Shan chuckled, "I think you're the first woman I know that would complain about having so much attention. Isn't it a good thing you have so many suitors willing to court you?"

Xingcai said, "Being forced to marry an eligible woman and courting someone are not one and the same, my lord. The men seemed far more interested in my father's reputation than anything I have ever done."

Liu Shan nodded. "To be fair, they too are bound by what their family wants from them, and what most families want is power, wealth and prestige. You just so happen to be the fortunate woman who has both AND a smart enough mind to understand the system. Having a mother that is allowing you to delay your marriage is also a boon."

Xingcai pouted. "I realise that. But it's still not much help. I feel like I'm back to where I started."

"Which is why I'm assuming you are here, waiting for who knows how long." He chuckled again. "Now what would you want me to help you with today?"

Xingcai thought for a moment before asking, "You don't happen to have a way to make these suitors go away, would you?" She frowned derisively.

"Well I could but I don't think it would be perfectly legal." He smiled broadly to her annoyance. "To be perfectly frank, Xingcai, I don't think the quality of men has decreased one bit but your perception of them might have changed. Perhaps what you need is a break from these dates, hang out with your friends or spend some time alone, whichever takes your fancy." He paused before adding, "You do seem to be getting worn down."

She crossed her arms. "I'm not getting worn down, Lord Liu Shan. I am perfectly capable of handling my own duties." She glowered.

"Xingcai." He said more forcefully. "You need a break."

She tried to keep her glare, hoping he would back down but he only stared back with equal intensity and she was forced down. She groaned tiredly, knowing she was defeated. "Even if I do need a break, I doubt my mother would afford me that luxury. I am to become betrothed to someone in less than two weeks time." She glanced expectantly at him. "Surely it's impossible, finding a soul mate in two weeks time."

Liu Shan reached for her hands, clasped them in his own. She had become used to the feel of his hands on her skin, the tenderness, his soft touch matched with his calloused hands. No matter what emotion she felt, Xingcai always felt serene whenever his hands touched her, as though her lord's tranquil nature is being transferred to her. His right thumb rubbed circles on the back of her hand, a small smile playing on his lips. "You will find it, Xingcai. You are a beautiful woman and you know it. You will find a man that suits you in no time."

Xingcai had planned a snappy retort but suddenly she was breathless and the words were quickly forgotten, as though her lord's words had knocked the breath out of her. Instead, her eyes were drawn to his hands upon hers, her lips failing to hide the smile that was slowly spreading over her face. She glanced up to his face for only a second to see that Liu Shan too was entranced by their conjoined hands, together in what felt like an eternity. Another thing that her younger self would never thought she's do in a thousand years: having her hands held so intimately by the emperor. Funny, she thought, how much she had changed with time, not just over the years but in the span of weeks. As though another side of herself was being brought out.

She stayed like this for a while, her hands clasped by his, silent except for their quiet breathing which had by now united to a uniform beat. Then, she spoke, "I complain about having suitors to court suitors everyday but it is still better than the alternative. Having my schedule and life being messed up by the plans of thieves and bandits, causing havoc in my home. I…" She exhaled, "I miss the peace. I miss not having to worry about death and destruction. Even if it comes with boring men talking about their boring days."

Liu Shan looked up to her. "Well you never know. After all, you ARE talking to one of those boring men right now."

Xingcai chuckled softly, "You are many things, my lord, but you are certainly never boring."

Perhaps she was imagining it but she thought she saw the faintest tint of a blush creep up on Liu Shan's cheeks. "Flattery is supposed to be my thing, Xingcai, not yours."

"I guess I had a good teacher to show me how." Xingcai smirked.

Liu Shan scoffed lightly, though the blush on his face seemed to have deepened to a noticeable shade of red. _Cute_ was the first word to come into Xingcai's head, giggling as Liu Shan threaded his fingers into his own hair in nervousness, letting loose a few strands. Other words, synonyms, popped into her head but 'cute' seemed to be the one that stood out the most.

"Admit it, my lord," Xingcai said. "I am getting better."

Liu Shan turned his head quickly to the side in his desperate attempt to hide his flushed face, to no avail. "Perhaps too good." He squeaked, eliciting another round of giggling from Xingcai. "I-I'm being serious. You're far too seductive."

"…Am I?" was her response, fuelled by genuine curiosity, and yet another voice had emerged from within her. Deeper. Huskier. Her words came out a purr and she would not believe it was her own voice if she could not hear it, clear and bright, in this small room that had suddenly become silent, nothing audible except the thumping of her own heart. Liu Shan too was astounded by this foreign voice that had came out of her own throat but then he leaned in, as though intrigued, and though Xingcai knew what was coming, she failed. His eyes had captured hers and now she was caught in his gaze, unable to pull away, didn't want to pull away.

This was something that had been occurring a lot as of late: the stare that Liu Shan was giving her now. It was similar to the intensity of that night and the dark expression that loomed over his face after his first kill but this was different. Born from an emotion she could not describe, it was soft but firm. Mesmerizing. He did this every day now; usually it was when he thought she wasn't looking. She did not know what was so entrancing about it. Was it that it was such a rarity, this severity in his expressions? Or was it that maybe, just maybe, she was the one to cause them, the only one that could see this?

That thought was enough for her to break free from both his gaze and his hand's grip and turn her head. Liu Shan did the same shortly afterwards. That thought went too far, she thought as her blush reemerged, there was no way that Liu Shan would do such a thing. That would mean he liked her. And for her to blush like this, it meant that she liked him, she thought. Her blush deepened, her head shook quickly in an attempt to shoo the thoughts away but they lingered.

This was the other thing that had been occurring a lot: thoughts of Liu Shan clouding her mind, thoughts of being interested in him, staying in his company as more than a friend, seeing another side of him that he will never show another. A side of him, just for her.

She suddenly stood, thought that if she stayed any longer in this cramped room and in this heat that seemed to have sprung from nowhere she might do something she will regret. "I…we should get going."

He paused for a second, then nodded. "We should go." Liu Shan whispered. The two of them had never departed the rooms so quickly.

Though Liu Shan had insisted that Xingcai go home early, she insisted on staying by his side until she had to clock in. This she did despite the warnings of her mind, telling her of the dangerous thoughts she was having. Because she knew what these thoughts, these feelings meant. It was an attraction: an attraction to him that had gone past the realms of friendly into that of romantic. And that scared her.

As they walked together, Xingcai looked at him and saw more and more the strength within. In a few months, at worst a year, the leader that she knew was inside Liu Shan would come out for good and she would embrace that new him. A new Liu Shan, a worthy emperor of Shu. It was so strange thinking of him a changed man, she could never imagine herself being by the side of a better and greater Liu Shan. Yet she wanted to. Desperately. But **how** did she want to be by his side? As a friend? His bodyguard? His vassal? No. More and more, she tried to imagine herself in a different role. One that was more intimate, close. She could almost feel his arm wrap around her waist, hers around his back. But it still felt so foreign. She was already so privileged in her life, being who she wants, having the career she wants. Surely she did not deserve someone who cared for her as much as Liu Shan could.

She does not deserve his kindness, she thought, and she certainly does not deserve the right to fall in love with him. She would not allow herself to do that.

"Zhang Xingcai! Lord Liu Shan!"

Xingcai approached the messenger who seemed to have been waiting in front of Liu Shan's estates for some time, the relief in his face did not fade. "What is it?" She asked cordially.

He bowed, as was protocol before the emperor. "Lord Zhuge Liang and Lord Guan Ping require your presence in the throne room."

"Oh?" Liu Shan asked. "Whatever for? It's awfully short notice."

"I apologise, my lord. I have been given no other information other than to seek and implore you to go to the throne room. I have kept Lord Zhuge Liang and Lord Guan Ping waiting too long." He bowed, deeper than before, then turned to Xingcai. "Your presence is also required, Lady Xingcai."

"Really now?" One eyebrow rose as Liu Shan turned to regard Xingcai, a smug smile on his cheeks. "My, even Lord Zhuge Liang wants to see you, Xingcai. I am envious. You're getting all the attention."

Xingcai rolled her eyes, a smile slowly growing. "I don't think Lord Zhuge Liang needs me for _that_ reason. Besides, I thought he was married." She stated, as though it wasn't obvious.

"Oh, I thought that was just his sister," Liu Shan smiled in a sarcastic manner. "We both know that Zhuge Liang is surrounded by beautiful women at all times, he has to be a bachelor. It's that luscious hair of his, you see. The silkiest hair in all the three kingdoms."

Xingcai giggled and Liu Shan quickly followed suit but they were cut short by the groan of the messenger. "Get a room later, you two, I have been looking for you both for 20 minutes now. You need to go now!" Both of them shared an uncomfortable glance at one anotehr before departing to the throne room, making sure to avoid eye contact with each other along the way.

When they did arrive, Zhuge Liang was nowhere to be seen. Instead Jiang Wei was there in his stead, currently deep in conversation with Guan Ping. It was not so much Guan Ping's presence but the topic of conversation that took Xingcai by surprise, for the pair of men seemed to be talking about the concept of the afterlife. Not a typical conversation she had expect to hear from either of the two. Both Xingcai and Liu Shan waited for the two to finish their conversation but when a minute passed by and neither Jiang Wei nor Guan Ping noticed their presence, she cleared her throat loudly. That got their attention.

"Xingcai!" Guan Ping exclaimed as though he was surprised to see her there. "You, uh…you came out of nowhere."

Like a kid that broke an antique vase, Guan Ping had on his face a look of guilt that he could barely hide. She had gotten better at picking out facial expressions. "Huh." She said in disbelief, studying Jiang Wei. The same look on Guan Ping's face was etched on Jiang Wei's face, who quivered slightly under her stare. "…sure."

The intensity of her stare did not waver as a silence grew. She hated it when people hid things from her. Guan Ping and Jiang Wei cowered before her, heads turned to Liu Shan as though he could save them from this fate worse than death.

Liu Shan said, "Z-Zhuge Liang asked for us. Me and…Xingcai? Is it important?"

Almost immediately the tension in the room lessened. "Y…yes, that's right." Jiang Wei breathed. She could almost see the relief spill from his mouth. "It's nothing big, we just need your authorization for this small escort mission. A governor for the town at Chengdu's south has requested relief. It seems a plague had hit the area and all the soldiers had got sick."

"There's also bandits there." Guan Ping adds. "They won't give us much trouble though. But if the town has no protection, it will cause trouble in the future if the bandits take control of the surrounding area. It's an important border town for our capital, Chengdu." He turned to Xingcai. "We need you for this one, Xingcai. If that's OK, that is."

"What would you need me for?" She asked.

"A bit of repair, really. Your job is to improve the current defenses the village has. Lord Zhuge Liang expects one of us to train the local boys there so I volunteered for that job. Gotta show those boys how to fight like a man."

Xingcai smiled. "You'll do a good job of training them, Guan Ping."

"Maybe," he smirked, "but together we can do more than just a good job, don't you think?"

For a second Guan Ping's stare felt more intense than normal but Xingcai hand waved the idea. She was probably just imagining it.

Jiang Wei coughed. "So do we have your blessing, my lord?"

Liu Shan tilted his head. "Was that it then? Well of COURSE you have my blessing. Jiang Wei, you and Zhuge Liang would know how much men we need to send, right?"

Jiang Wei nodded.

"Well that's splendid then. I shall see you two soon then. Farewell."

Liu Shan moved to exit the throne room but Xingcai blocked his path with her arm. "Wait a second, my lord."

Liu Shan's body tensed. The smile on his face was, for a brief second, replaced with a stern look. "Xingcai?" He whispered.

Xingcai would commend Liu Shan on how to react appropriately in potential crises like these but she had more pressing issues on her mind. She turned to Jiang Wei and Guan Ping. "…Where are we going?"

"H-huh?" Jiang Wei pulled at his collar.

_Jackpot_ , she thought. "I know mission briefs are usually succinct but th information you are giving right now is scarce at best." She turned to Guan Ping. "You have a reason not to tell me where we are going, do you." Guan Ping turned to avoid her stare. "If there is something I need to know, it's better to tell me now."

Guan Ping opens his mouth but hesitated, and no sound came out. Then, he exhaled, "I would rather tell you tomorrow, Xingcai. I don't think this is something to discuss…i-in front of Lord Liu Shan."

Xingcai intended to continue to interrogate him but Liu Shan spoke before she had a chance. "Guan Ping," he said. "You do not have to be so concerned for me, it's fine. I would think there'd be much more worse things to happen if Xingcai is not satisfied." He chuckled.

"It's…well, it's, um…"

"It's Huiling." Jiang Wei said bleakly.

Suddenly it felt as though there was no oxygen in the air, she wanted to gasp but found she was unable to. She knew Huiling, it was a small town no bigger than a suburb in her opinion, unremarkable in many aspects. But it was special for one thing only, and that was that around the perimeter of the town, the graves of nobles and royals and highly decorated generals were laid to rest here. And among the tombs were not just lord Liu Bei but her own family: her father, Zhang Fei, and her elder sister, the original lady Zhang.

She was akin to Liu Shan in the fact that neither had opportunity to see the tombs of the loved ones when they passed away but their reasons were different. Xingcai did not go because she did not to relive memories lest it made her forget the duties, the promises she made. But Liu Shan on the other hand, it was not for lack of trying but physical inability. While he was the emperor, while he could still stand, he could not leave the palace. He had mentioned before how he wanted to go visit their tombs at least once just so he could see if it was worth having a tomb in the first place, whether it was good or not to have a physical link between the earth and the spiritual plane above them. He should be the one that was upset and yet she was the one clutching herself protectively. She was the one with the haunting images of a deceased loved one, whispering words she did not want to hear.

Liu Shan looked at her, studied her expressions before replying, in a stern voice. "I'm coming too."

_What?_ she thought.

"You're…coming?" Jiang Wei asked.

Liu Shan's jaw tightened. "You said yourself this is a small mission. Surely the palace can handle my departure for a short while, can they not?"

"Y-yes but…"

"Then I will come." He turned to Xingcai. "Let me know when we're going," he said before strutting out of the room.

It took her a while to realise what Liu Shan had just done but by this time he had left the throne room. She gave chase, exiting the room, and trying to follow his footsteps until she saw him going through a corridor and managed to catch up. She could not miss him. His thundering footsteps could be heard for miles. "L-Lord Liu Shan!" She called as she slowed to a stand as Liu Shan stopped.

"I'm fine." He said, but his knuckles were white with an iron grip. "I just…I overreacted a little bit."

She frowned. "But you're not fine." She paused before adding, "You can tell me anything, my lord. Anything you want."

For a moment it appeared that he was considering the option, staring at her with a look that was significantly softer than before. His eyes searched within hers, looking for something, and it felt as though she was suddenly being stripped bare but then a sigh escaped his lips. "Not yet." He said. "I'm not ready to tell you what's in my heart just yet."

It was a pitiful expression, and there was this growing compulsion for Xingcai to do something, anything, for it to be rid of from his lord's face but no solution came to mind. She would obey her lord's wishes and not talk about it, if that is what he desires. "Then do you think you are ready to go to Huiling? It will be different, perhaps even difficult for you. Guan Ping will want all of us to leave at the break of dawn tomorrow and we will be on horseback all day. We do not have the time to afford you your everyday luxuries, I do not think we have room for many servants."

"Then I won't bring any."

"Not even one? You do realise you will have to dress plainly to disguise yourself—we cannot allow anyone to recognise you. And we won't have comfortable bedding or nice food."

"I can take care of myself," He handwaved. "If that's all, I'm going to retire for tonight. Prepare some of the stuff that I need."

There was much more she wanted to say as he turned his back to her and headed towards his home but she said nothing. Whatever words she had to say were probably frivolous anyway, she thought. Instead she gazed at his backside disappear into the horizon, getting further and further away from her.

Huiling. It would be the first time she had been there. Certainly she would not like to live so close to death. The palace here in Chengdu was splendid in its remoteness from the world's struggle. To those who lived here all their lives, the chaos of the world might seem daunting, scary. She was frightened herself when she saw her first battle, not that she would ever admit it, and now she had to bring Liu Shan to his first proper mission. She just had to wish on her lucky stars that Liu Shan would cope because there was no way he would back down. It was a stubbornness that rivalled that of Lord Liu Bei in his final years. For neither people did it ever look good.

Then there was her father. Buried in a shallow grave, his head missing. And her sister, serene even in death…a sorrowful expression escaped her.

She sees Liu Shan in her mind, his frown etched in her memory. Once upon a time, Xingcai remembered this weird title for him that floated around: 'The King of Sadness'. Maybe it was not that strange a title after all. But perhaps it suited her more than it did Liu Shan.

* * *

Clip clop. Clip clop.

The hooves of the horses stamped noisily on the ill-maintained road to Huiling. Eleven people in total trod along the road: seven on horseback, four on carriage duty. Swords and bows were holstered or stored in the carriage, which also brought food, water barrels, provisions and a small amount of money. Chances were likely that some of the residents in the village would be kind enough to share their home in these trying times but just in case, tents were also stored.

Xingcai had already memorized the itinerary. It was indeed a small mission. One day to get to Huiling, one day handing out the provisions to the residents of the town and teaching some basic military moves to the kids left to fight in their fathers' places—the ones old enough to fight that is— and then a one day journey back. Six of the eight soldiers would stay over for a week to patrol the city before returning to regular duty at the palace. The only breaks allowed were to let the horses feed and rest and she would make sure this time to affirm rigidly these rules. There was of course the threat of bandits, especially around this vulnerable time when the bandits have the opportunity to strike the town, but it was strategized by Zhuge Liang (and by proxy, Jiang Wei) that the extra presence would deter the town from major attacks in the near future.

Though she was known for being strict on all those in her command, she allowed the soldiers to embrace a sense of camaraderie and in missions where stealth was not required, she allowed the soldiers to sing their songs and tell their stories to keep their wits about but today it was silent, save for the clip clop of the horses as they walk the grassy road.

It was all because of Liu Shan's presence. The eleventh man in this originally ten man mission. The men were all quiet, somber. Half of them were in awe of having the emperor in their presence. Half of them were worried, fearing that a wrong word would further ruin the mood of the stone faced emperor. Even Guan Ping, a man motivated to improve the morale of those under his care, was speechless.

This morning she had been dreading the trip, half expecting Liu Shan to forget something or to sleep in. Instead, he had been the one to awaken **her** , standing patiently outside her house. When she got out, she saw that Liu Shan was wearing clothing that had the elegance of a lord but was practical enough for travel by horse and even combat should the need arise. His _mianguan_ , his crown, was left behind and replaced instead with a lazily done hair bun, a surprise to Xingcai. His crown was a symbol of his status as an emperor. To see him not wear the crown was probably the best way to hide his royal ties but it still came as a shock when he let his hair down, both metaphorically and literally. And till now he had done nothing that Xingcai could fault him on. He had prepared his own belongings, even brought his own stallion—one of the few offsprings of Hex Mark— and was relatively silent throughout the trip. On one hand, she was glad she did not have to fix any mistakes Liu Shan may had made but on the other hand, his silence bothered her and already, she missed the innocent banter she had with him. She enjoyed his presence when he was happy, enjoyed too his more serious moments but the sternness in his face right now was less like the strong silent man Xingcai had caught glimpses and more like a man who had shut everything about himself off to everybody. This was not the Liu Shan she knew.

The journey had been in silence all the way until the afternoon, when the sun's light was at its peak and the horses were quenched for water and they stopped in an open field of grass to let the horses rest and drink and waited until the harshest of the sun had passed by before they continued out. It was as good a time to have lunch and relax a little bit before they set out again. Rations were brought out from one of the carriages by one of the soldiers and Xingcai took the time to divide the portions for today and hand them out to everybody. As she expected, the reactions were less than pleasant as they cringed at their meal but Xingcai knew they would eat regardless. She was more worried about Liu Shan potentially refusing but instead when he came up to receive his portion, he said nothing, just grabbing his share and finding a spot by himself.

Lunch always had this ability to loosen people's tongues in more ways than one and soon the other soldiers had gathered in small groups and had begun talking once more. Pleasantries, mostly, random stories of days past they told each other. It was now that those people, away from the melancholy of Liu Shan, could finally loosen up. As the last of the soldiers grabbed their lunch and she went to find a spot to eat herself, she spotted Liu Shan sitting by the shade of the tree. Guan Ping approached her at this time, the two stared at each other for a second. They had a silent understanding, confirmation to the other on what they were to do. In sync with each other, they both walked over to Liu Shan, sitting down beside him.

"You mind if we eat here?" Guan Ping asked.

"No, it's fine." Liu Shan frowned. "You don't need to sit with me if you don't want to however. I'm fine by myself."

"Well I'd much rather eat with the both of you." Xingcai sat down regardless.

And so they ate. At one extreme sat Guan Ping who scoffed his food in a matter of seconds and at another extreme sat Liu Shan who nibbled at his food, taking his time to savour what little flavor the food had. Compared to the men, Xingcai ate at a moderate pace out of the three, being the second to finish. No one said a thing while they ate their food. The light hearted conversations of everyone else were heard clearly from where they sat.

"I know what you are doing," Liu Shan started, "and I'm fine. I honestly am fine."

"We're not doing anything," Xingcai said, trying to sound as innocent as possible.

"Well I apologise if I don't believe you, Xingcai. If my behaviour is bothering you today then you have all right to leave me alone."

"What Xingcai's trying to say is that we're not going anywhere, lord Liu Shan." Guan Ping said. "As a general, having you moping around is going to bring morale down significantly, and that brings down performance." He turned away shyly before adding, "And…As a friend, I'm not used to seeing you like this, my lord."

Liu Shan stared wide-eyed at Guan Ping. "You…think of me as a friend?"

Xingcai gently smiled, "We're here for you. And the spirits of our loved ones watch over from the heavens to guide us. You do not need to worry."

"Till heaven and earth strike us dead." Though there was still a pitiful look on his face, a glimpse of a smile graced his lips. "I always wondered why it was heaven and earth specifically. As though they wanted the earth would swallow them up when they die. It's tragically beautiful."

The wind picked up suddenly, knocking loose a few leaves that fluttered in the air. She noticed Liu Shan eye this one leaf that in the sunlight looked almost pink, like a peach flower. She was sure he was thinking the same thoughts as her, imagining the oath their fathers did under the peach trees. As time passed, it became harder for Xingcai to remember her father's smiling face. What remained were the angry glares, cherry cheeks of intoxication, the drunken and ungraceful plod of his feet on the ground. What kind of image did Liu Shan have of his father?

"I'm sorry, I'm…" Liu Shan breathed out. "I'm not actually upset or anything, I've just been reminiscing. I suppose it makes me looks like I'm sad. If I am honest, I am more worried about the bandits. I can't help but feel sorry for those who had buried their loved ones there, knowing that the supposed safe place for their dead has been tarnished and desecrated with the greed of these bandits." He chuckled quietly, "But then again, I guess that's why we are going there."

Xingcai was relieved to see that he was starting to lighten up again. The dark cloud around him was beginning to dissipate.

Guan Ping began to stand. "Well I don't know about you, my lord, but I'm planning to visit my father's grave when I get there. I was thinking about going by myself but maybe you can join me. Give a proper goodbye and everything."

"That sounds like a wonderful idea, actually." Liu Shan turned to Xingcai. "Are you going to join us, Xingcai?"

"If you two plan to do so then I really have no excuse not to join along," Xingcai smiled. "I think our fathers would be happy to know the oath they made was carried on into the next generation." Xingcai too began to stand.

"Then that's settled." Liu Shan beamed as he stood up. "Maybe we can make our own oath when we're there."

"What, and become sworn brothers with you?" Guan Ping laughed. "We've only just become friends and now you want to upgrade it to brothers?"

"Oh, why not? If brothers can become friends then I see no reason why friends can't become brothers." Liu Shan chortled, "I don't know about dying on the same day though. I'm worried I'll subject you to a terrible fate."

Guan Ping scoffed with humour. "It's not like we'll DIE the same way. Although frankly, if I had to choose, I'd rather die how you die. My body surrounded by beautiful women and an empty wine barrel by my side, that sounds like a nice way to go."

Liu Shan laughed. "Well when you put it like that, that DOES sound like a good way to go."

Xingcai shook her head, laughing. "Isn't this subject matter rather morbid?"

"Afraid we're going to jinx you to death by wine, Xingcai?" Liu Shan laughed.

"More likely a death from humiliation." Xingcai giggled.

The trio started to chat about their plans when they get to Huiling, the things they would do there. Guan Ping suggested that they take the time to see their fathers' graves in the early morning tomorrow so the rest of the day can be spent helping out around the village, to which Xingcai and Liu Shan agreed. They planned what they would bring, what they might say, what kind of oath they might make under the same blossoming peach trees as their fathers made theirs. But then the sun moved so too did they need to move and soon the soldiers were packing up and they all mounted their horses and together they rode once again, moving further and further south.

As Xingcai expected, with the return of Liu Shan's smile came back the relaxed chatter of the other soldiers as they eased into the horse riding. A few songs even broke out between the men and out of the insistence of the men Liu Shan sung along to one song only—a rather dirty if humourous song about a maiden who sold herself to buy a pig. It garnered more than a few chuckles to hear the emperor sing along to such a dirty song, the chuckles multiplying with Liu Shan's unique if _unrefined_ singing voice. Xingcai would have been horrified if this occurred any time before now but seeing it in person brought about fits of laughter stronger than any she had done in her life. Judging by the way Liu Shan stared at her afterwards, chuckling himself, he knew too that she never laughed so hard before.

Day turned into sunset and the horses were starting to feel the fatigue when, in the twilight sun, came into view the entrance to Huiling. Fortified by tall wooden spikes around the perimeter, a few watchtowers in place to view the surroundings, the village was like a castle in of itself, gazing fearsomely into the distance. As they got closer to the town, the size of the town began to make itself known, for it was much larger than anyone had expected from a farming town. It seemed to stretch all throughout the horizon, guards no older than 18 stalked the perimeters, driven by duty and yet the fear from inexperience could be faintly seen in their stunted movements, the hesitance stricken on their face as they spied the landscape. Closer still and faintly glowing in the moonlight was a river, and from it the torrent of water as it made its way downstream, its waves cacophonous sound that disrupted the quiet of the night. They approached the gates and the guards took a once-over but upon spying the green flag of Shu and the fortified armour of its soldiers, Xingcai and crew were quick to enter, dismounting in favour of walking. Upon entry, however, they quickly stopped in their tracks as it became clear that the cacophony of the waves hid a different sound: the sounds of a festival.

They watched in awe as villagers danced to the beat of the percussion, crude instruments and professionally made instruments fused together to create a song unlike any Xingcai had ever heard. A mix of old and young people, wealthy merchants and poor peasants mingled together over music and food and wine. And little kids gleefully giggled as their adult parents lit up lanterns and played with them, running around with smiles on their faces. It was a wondrous sight; certainly the exuberance on display tonight was not the emotions Xingcai had expected to see in a village recently assaulted with disease and bandits. It was, in a way, enviable. In so many ways it was like the banquets Liu Shan had held but this felt more vibrant, more vivid… _more_. And as she looked to Liu Shan, eyes bright with wonder, he must have thought the same. A smile crept up on her face.

From the shadows of the watchtowers, an elderly man traipsed his way to Xingcai, his eyes searching each and every one of them, studying them. His eyes eventually settled on Guan Ping, who, noticing this, made a quick bow. The man gave a warm if weak smile to him. It seemed he had judged Guan Ping to be the leader of the group.

"You must be our help from the capital, how glorious to see you had arrived so quick." He studied Guan Ping's face for a second before adding, "And you must not be any older than my grandson and yet you are so strong and brave, young man, for coming to our aid. As chief of this village, we thank you."

Guan Ping rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "It really is not trouble, being able to help people in their time of need is the duty of a soldier of Shu, after all. And I would not surrender my duty to anyone or anything."

"Well said," he tried to laugh but all that was emitted was a wheeze.

Xingcai said, "Would you mind escorting us, sir, to where we may stay? We sent a messenger earlier asking for accommodation in your village."

The chief turned to Xingcai as though he did not notice her. Like with everybody else, he gave her an once-over before replying, "Of course, my lady. I'll save the rambling for later." He laughed-wheezed.

The elderly chief walked slow. Very slow. So slow that she heard Guan Ping mumble something about putting him on a horse and letting him direct them rather than lead them at a dawdling pace. Xingcai was tempted but better judgment told her to not be swayed and she allowed this time to see more of the festival. It appeared to be that some households participated more than others, some houses being decorated with colourful banners and streamers, others acting as mini-shops where adults and children can buy sweets and snacks. It garnered a small growl from her stomach and part of her thought it was from hunger but as Xingcai approached the centre and began to see the ill and destitute, she concluded it was a different feeling altogether.

_You'll see, sis. I'll grow up to protect everybody I love and care about._

She clutched her head with one hand, slowly, so as to not arise suspicion. Xingcai was afraid of this, had been afraid that this would affect her once she came here but she was hoping that she could suppress it until she was alone. And yet the bubbling feelings of sorrow and despair, guilt and hopelessness, they were reaching a fever pitch. This was a town for the dead, she reminded herself. The wealthy and the powerful bury themselves here. Her sister was here. Somewhere. Somewhere near here was her decomposing corpse, rotting in the ground, too far for anyone to take care of her. Too far for Xingcai to visit…

Xingcai barely heard her name called out in her thoughts but she did hear it and it just managed to allow her to return to reality. She could grieve later but certainly not now and certainly not in front of Liu Shan. "Did you say something?" Xingcai asked, not completely sure who was talking to her.

"I said would you like to know about the history of our festival?" The old chief rasped.

It occurred to her that in her thoughts, she was still staring at the festival. "S-sure," she replied half-heartedly.

"Well then," the chief smiled enthusiastically. "Our festival is quite similar to the ghost festival on the seventh month but we celebrate it a little differently. Legends have it that the founder of our village could not celebrate the festival on the 7th month for the village was having difficulty providing enough gifts to honour the dead. And so, he decided to postpone it and make the festival this time the greatest honour of the deceased. And as the ghosts rose from the graves to join the living, so overjoyed were they with the festival that they invited _Yamaluo_ , the great king of the afterlife. And he had said that our village was truly a beautiful village that knew how best to honour the dead out of all the festivals he had ever seen. So he blessed our village, that all who live here will live long and fruitful lives and those buried in our soil shall witness the true splendours the afterlife could give."

"That is a fascinating story," Liu Shan chimed in. "What I am most curious about is how you celebrate your festival. I do not seem to see any burning money or effigies. How do you honour the dead then here?"

The chief smiled knowingly. "It's what you see around you, people enjoying themselves, having fun. Ghosts are still human, after all. All they want is to feel like they're at home again. So we did away with the long ceremonies and prayers. Those who desire to do so can do so but for the rest of us, we feel the best way to honour their memory is to enjoy life as the dead would want us to enjoy life. And for many people, that is dancing and feasting until sunrise." He chuckled. "In a way, we're welcoming the ghosts into our village, which is rather similar to what I am doing with you folks."

Xingcai nodded in agreement despite the uncertainty building in her stomach. Truth be told, the concept of celebrating the life of the deceased rather than mourning their deaths was something that appealed to Xingcai and yet she knew very well that it was something that she was not capable of doing. Even if the spirits of her father and her sister had told her to stop mourning, she would do it regardless. She should have been stricter on her father about his behaviour. She should have seen the signs of illness plaguing her sister in the months leading up to her death. As much as she would like to forget, she could not forgive herself. She could do nothing but mourn, hoping that if she does it enough her family, watching over from the heavens, could forgive her.

Finally, the chief had led them to a small clearing with water and food troughs for the horses already prepared. After each horse was tied to a post, the animals ate and drank greedily. "I've had the villagers clear this area to be your camp site. I thought it was a good idea to have a place where we could find you soldiers easily."

"Thank you for your hospitality. This is a perfect place to set up camp." Liu Shan smiled.

"It is no problem, Lord…"

"Er..." Liu Shan turned to Xingcai. Her only response was a shrug. "It's…Li Shang. Lord Li Shang."

Giving a half-hearted nod at Liu Shan, the old chief turned to Guan Ping, his smile growing stronger when their gaze connected. "My residence has two guest rooms open, room for one each. If you do not mind me, I would be happy to allow two of you city folk to spend the night there."

Guan Ping nodded, "And the others?"

"I'd like to say you could but unfortunately with the illness, many of my people are sick at home. And sadly the rooms I provide are small. You could ask the other villagers but sadly I cannot be certain they will take you in."

"If people are sick, then it is best to keep the beds for the sick. If need be, we have tents to camp out here and spend the night." Xingcai could already hear the groans from a couple of men. Guan Ping turned to Xingcai. "So how about it, Xingcai? I'll camp for tonight and you and my lord could spend the night in the house."

The chief turned to Guan Ping in astonishment. "Surely you would rather spend the night in my residence, good sir." He looks apprehensively at Liu Shan first, then at Xingcai before resting once more on Guan Ping. "Such a brave general such as you should be by the side of his lord, should he not?"

Guan Ping shook his head, laughing. "All the more reason lady Xingcai should take it. She is my lord's bodyguard, not me. Besides, I cannot stand the idea of letting a woman suffer in the cold with the rest of us."

The chief turned to study Xingcai and Liu Shan. She swore he heard him say under his breath something about couples but said nothing else. Instead, he replied, dejectedly, "So be it. Just let me know in the future if you require anything." He turned to Liu Shan, frowning. "When you are ready to retire, my lord, my house is just over there." He gestured to a large building right next to the campsite. "I shall set up your rooms for you."

Liu Shan bowed. "That is very generous of you, thank you. I pray our presence alone will drive away the bandits from your village."

The chief nodded before leaving, not before saying his farewells to Guan Ping and the other soldiers, and shortly afterwards everyone had begun mobilizing to set up camp quickly. Tents were put up. Supplies and personal effects were lifted out of the carriage and placed in two tents—the ones originally intended to reside Xingcai and Liu Shan but had now found a new purpose under these circumstances. Though the soldiers were highly trained and thus practiced in setting up camp, they worked especially swiftly to ensure their tasks were completed as fast as possible. From Xingcai's observations there were two groups of people, two reasons that motivated the men's hurried actions. The first was largely reserved for the older soldiers who had found the trip tiring and desired to rest as quickly as possible, the second wanted to join the festivities for their official duties did not begin until dawn tomorrow. In hindsight, Xingcai should have been firmer on when their duties began and ended but for now she would allow it, just this once. After grabbing a small chest of personal effects and saying her goodbyes to everybody, she went off to the chief's house, Liu Shan by her side.

When she arrived at the chief's home she was greeted not by him but by his elderly wife, who received them far more hospitably than her husband. When Liu Shan questioned her about him, she replied, "Oh, he gets like that sometimes. He's a brilliant chief and a wonderful husband but he can be so picky sometimes. Pay him no mind."

"It is good to know then that we did not upset him somehow." Liu Shan added, "And thank you for your hospitality. We really do appreciate you granting us stay in your home."

She was about to say something but the chief, from a different room shouted, "JUST TRY NOT TO MAKE A MESS IN THERE. IF I CATCH YOU TWO DOING ANYTHING...!"

"H-huh?" Liu Shan asked.

The chief's wife shook her head. "Don't mind him although…" her gaze shifted between the pair of them. "…the walls in this house are rather thin. It's probably best that you both are not too loud."

Before Xingcai was able to question her words, she began walking and the two of them were forced to follow. They walk down the hallways, their feet clattering on the wooden floor before coming to a stop at a door.

"This is your room."

Xingcai's eyebrows furrowed. "W-wait. Didn't he say—"But the chief's wife already left, as though vanishing without a trace. "…two rooms?"

"Do not worry, Xingcai. P-perhaps there is indeed two rooms and this door leads to both." But of course, as her now-clammy hands opened the door, she saw that reality was far crueler.

There were indeed two rooms—though the definition of 'room' was particularly in contention for it was more liable to call it a large room partitioned into two smaller rooms by a thin paper sliding door that was clearly added after the house was built for the screen door was still far shorter than the length of the walls, giving a small view into the other room. And as Liu Shan carefully slid open the door, he found that, with both of their chests already taking a significant portion of the small rooms, the only way for the two of them to sleep was practically side by side, their heads still visible even with the screen door extended. Liu Shan crouched and poked one of the two prepared mattresses on the floor, as though checking to see if it was safe.

"Now I see why they warned us about not being loud. It's very… _intimate_ here." Liu Shan said.

"Lord Liu Shan, please. It is just sleeping. We're just…sleeping. Sleeping very…very close to each other." A dark blush grew on her face as she imagined the two of them sleeping in such close proximity.

Liu Shan looked at her for a few seconds, a curious look on his face before he cleared his throat loudly. His cheeks were stained red. "W-well then we should probably get changed for the night."

Xingcai asked, "You're not going to join the festival?"

He shook his head. "I…don't think it would be speak well of my character if I went off without you." He said. "Regardless of our relationship."

"I suppose." Xingcai replied, looking out the window to see people dancing. She would not mind if he joined; would prefer it if he left if she was honest. Having some time to herself to calm her nerves would do a world of good right now. But as representatives of the capital, even with Liu Shan's identity a secret, it would not look kindly upon them if they joined in on the festivities when they were technically on duty. Still, being stuck in a room with Liu Shan, she shivered at the thought.

"I'm going to change now, Xingcai." Liu Shan said softly. He gestured to the screen. "I'll go first. You can change after I am done, just let me know so I can turn away."

Xingcai nodded as Liu Shan backed himself behind the screen. "I'll wait for you."

Liu Shan closed the screen and for the first time since arriving into the village, it was almost quiet. It was like everything outside of the room was muted; all the noises made inside the room was amplified. The shuffle of cloth being discarded, the small grunts Liu Shan made. And as she sat down on the mattress beside her, his dark silhouette a stark contrast to the white paper screen, Xingcai realised how loud her own breathing is, the deep rise and falls of her own chest as she watched him struggle to change from behind the screen. Her blush increased in intensity as a stray idea went into her head, where she offered to help him dress—or undress if that was needed. Her breathing seemed to have quickened in that thought process, her hand went over her mouth to hide her now-labored breaths. She was well aware that her thoughts were verging on inappropriate and yet she watched him regardless, trying to guess his level of undress, his actions, his thoughts. If she could only peek over the side, she thought, her curiosity would be satisfied. But of course, she would not dare let her lord see she was looking at him from the other side.

Eventually he emerged from behind the screen, dressed in a similar robe as before except it was not green but a light grey. The material was far too luxurious to even question if it was his own and yet the robe looked baggy, as though it was not fitted for his body. To Xingcai's disappointment, his hair remained up in a tight bun.

"It's your turn, Xingcai."

Xingcai blinked. "O-oh." She shook her head, tried to hide the blush on her face by turning her body away. "T-thank you. I will be quick, you can look away now."

Liu Shan opened his mouth as if to say something but instead, he sighed whimsically and closed the screen behind him. After a second, he said, "I-I'm ready."

She nodded despite knowing he could not see her any longer and after a few seconds hesitance, began to strip off her clothes. She shivered when she removed her shirt, once from the cold and then a second time out of her own thoughts. She imagined that he was watching her with the same ardent fascination as he did him just moments before and suddenly she felt very warm. She turned her head to his silhouette sitting down on his mattress but it was difficult to tell if he was looking away or at her. A possibility came into mind, that he could see her silhouette as she could see his silhouette and Xingcai reflexively wrapped her arms around her body.

What was so frightening about Liu Shan looking at her, Xingcai thought? Xingcai was used to changing in front of other people, in fact she had bathed in the company of men before. On some missions, she had tasked Guan Ping to guard her when she bathed in the river and she knew he had gazed at her body at least once, could feel the heat of his stares. And yet in those times it was easy to shrug it off. Xingcai did not truly care about the stares of men on her before but right now, this was different. This felt intimate. Probing. Despite being in her underwear she felt naked, as thought the screen was never there, as though all her secrets and insecurities and faults were up for judgment. And it scared her, and that should be all, but a part of her was strangely _thrilled_. Only Liu Shan could do this to her, she thought as her skin went on fire. Only Liu Shan could make her feel these strange emotions she had never encountered before.

When she finally got dressed, she did not dare open the curtains and bear the brunt of his eyes upon her. Instead, she blew out the candle for her side of the room; Liu Shan did likewise from behind the screen. Silent, and all of a sudden so very tired, Xingcai quickly laid down and shut her eyes. Within seconds Xingcai was fast asleep.

* * *

It was chilly when she awoke at the break of dawn. The first thing she did after waking up and rubbing the sand from her weary eyes was to find something to cover her thin robes. She found nothing in the room and so resorted to looking for something in her chest. Xingcai did not expect to find anything but to her surprise she found a few items that she suspected her mother placed inside when she was not looking. An old family relic from the Xiahou clan, some warmer dresses (she had to thank her mother for that) and at the bottom laid a green coat. At first glance it did not look like anything either she or her mother wore before but as she pulled it out of the chest, Xingcai recognised that it was Liu Shan's coat. Specifically, the coat he had given her the night of the banquet with Zhu Ling, the one she had kept forgetting to return.

As she turned her head to where Liu Shan lied before the screen, Xingcai contemplated finally returning the jacket to him. But it would be strange for his first waking moments to be of her returning his jacket. Then again, she considered, he might be glad to have it returned to him. He might find the gesture thoughtful, regardless of the inappropriate timing. Though he did say she could keep it and as much as Xingcai hated to admit it, the coat was extremely comfy and appropriately warm for this chilly morning. It also helped that he was roughly her size so the coat would not look odd for anyone who might see her walk through town today. But to wear what was clearly a nobleman's coat, on a woman, after spending the night in a room together…

His familiar scent hit her nostrils and Xingcai realised to her chagrin that she was sniffing his jacket. Again.

Suddenly the screen doors were pulled open and Xingcai almost yelped in surprise, quickly shutting the coat into her chest. Xingcai turned to Liu Shan, seemingly unaware of her presence as he groggily stumbled his way to the door, paused, and mumbled something under his breath. For the new few seconds, he just stared at the door.

"…Lord Liu Shan?"

The words barely seemed to register in his head. "Training's not…" He yawned. "…not for another hour, isn't it?"

"My lord? …The mission? We're in the chief's house, remember?"

His eyes grew bigger, nonplussed, as the morning lethargy slowly left his body. "Oh." He replied.

After another awkward moment of changing clothes, the pair had managed to find Guan Ping who was fortunately already up and ready, and the newly formed trio grabbed their horses and headed out to see their parents' graves on the outskirts of the village. Hundreds if not thousands of graves passed them by, some in meticulous condition while others were already set for ruin. But it was common knowledge that the royal tombs were farther ahead and Guan Ping knew the way. The trip was silent, solemn, and everyone was trapped in their own minds reliving the painful memories over and over. Xingcai too was no exception.

A chill went through her body as she imagined her father ruffling her hair. Thinking of the dead never brought her comfort, especially when she thought of her father and sister. And whatever calm her relatively peaceful sleep had given her had vanished as the trio went farther and farther into the graveyard. When she turned to Liu Shan and Guan Ping, they both were serious but serene somewhat. As though they had come to peace with the death. But she could not forgive herself for her impudence, could not forgive herself for the harsh words she had spoken the last time she had saw her father. There would always be that guilt in her. There would always be that chaos inside her.

So when they had separated when they got to the graves of their respective parents, all in a row beside each other, she found herself at a loss at what to do. To her right, she heard the faint murmurings of Liu Shan as he spoke to his father's grave and she saw that she too must say something to her father who was no doubt watching her from above.

She took a deep breath, then another, and then looked to her memories to figure out the first thing she will say.

"Father…I…I never thought I would be here, by your grave. If it was my choice I would not be here but…here I am." She finally said. "I want to tell you how I've been, what's been going on in my life but instead I just have questions for you. I know you can't reply back but…please, I need you to listen."

The breeze rushed past her ears, gently placing back the strands of hair in front of her. Xingcai chose to believe it was a sign. "All this time, even when I was on my way here, I saw far more bad memories than good. I remembered that time you left me scared and all alone in the city when I was young, just to get a drink. And the day you cut my hair so badly mother had to cut my hair short. The humiliation I felt from the other children's jeers I still remember to this day. But most of all, I remember how you treated mother. Those few tender, loving moments eclipsed by your arguments, how you would sometimes hit her and say such rude things you did not even realise affected her. I saw her cry sometimes because of what you said to her. I saw her breakdown into tears and I…I need to ask you this, Father, I…"

She bit her lip as a single tear dropped onto her rosy cheeks. It was all she could do to stop herself from crying outright. "…why? Why does she still love you even after all the horrible things you put her through? Why does she still carry that stupid doll around that you gave her even though it is already deteriorating? And why…" she suppressed a sob, "…w-why did you…have to go t-the way you did? I should hate you and yet I…I miss you."

Once again, she looked for a sign but nothing changed. She hanged her head. This was stupid to try. This only made her look ridiculous and emotional. She didn't like being emotional. Emotions was what got her father killed, and she promised herself to never let it go over her head.

"Hey…Xingcai?" Guan Ping whispered from behind her.

She turned her head, still shaken. "Y-yes?"

"W-well Liu Shan and I, we were thinking maybe we also go see your sister's grave." Guan Ping fidgeted with his hands before adding, "I thought…you might like to see her."

"I…I…"A cold wave struck her at the thought of seeing her sister once more. A memory of her pale white face staring lifelessly at her resurfaced, and once again she felt ill. She was not ready. Perhaps she was strong enough to see her father, detach her emotions, but there was no way she could see her sister. Not after the way she passed. Not now. "…Sorry." Xingcai replied. "W-we have our duties back at the village. We wasted enough time here."

Guan Ping looked at her with a bit of pity but said nothing more, rousing Liu Shan from his contemplative state and escorted everybody back to the village. It was the middle of the morning when they arrived and everyone was awake so Xingcai, Guan Ping and Liu Shan all split up and carried out the work they intended to accomplish. The soldiers were to guard the perimeter, a pair allocated to maintaining the four borders at the north, south, east and west. Guan Ping trained the young boys and men of the village in combat, gave instructions to their trainers on the newest training regiments and even provided some additional weaponry from the forges. Liu Shan, with nothing else to do, decided to assist the chief in the monthly review of Huiling's finances. As for Xingcai, her job was to improve the borders, or at least make up the plan to improve the borders for it was the job of the soldiers that would remain behind for a week to implement them properly in her absence.

The hard work proved a worthy distraction from Xingcai's morbid thoughts and once again she regained the calm she had lost this morning. For a fleeting moment, Xingcai thought the trip would pass without incident, that she could finally be away from the guilt and the despair she was feeling in this place, so close to her loved ones. Never had she ever desired to be home more than she did now, lie in the comfort of her own bed, with nothing to incite these terrible, terrible feelings inside. She believed, she desired, but as with the calm before the storm it was not to be.

At dusk, just as she had returned to camp after finishing her inspection that a horse rode in. Two soldiers sat upon it, one unconscious and bleeding while the other was in a constant state of panic.

"What happened, you two?" Guan Ping went up to the horse to grab the unconscious soldier.

"T-the bandits, t-they're here."

Xingcai's fists clenched. "What? Where?!"

The soldier meekly pointed North. "By the north border. I saw them head to the nobleman's graves. Twenty bandits on my count, maybe more." He looked gravely at Guan Ping. "Sir, I…I don't think they're interested in the village. I-I think these are g-grave robbers."

Xingcai's face blanched. A band of bandits that already outnumber the soldiers they have was worrying but the fact that they were grave robbers changed things entirely. That meant all the soldiers they had, all the defences in place was useless. And grave robbers were far more merciless than mere thieves, many had no qualms about killing. But worse of all, the northern border. Her sister was buried there…no…it couldn't be.

Suddenly, Xingcai jumped onto her own horse and galloped past to the startles of everybody present. But she did not care that she was charging alone to a battle she was outnumbered as she raced through the village, did not care that she might not find the way back when nightfall inevitably arrived. All that was left was fury. It controlled her mind, made her tighten her hands on the reins, pushing her horse faster, faster, faster! And as she saw the trodden grass, crushed underfoot by tens of men, it was fury that made her follow the tracks to the end. The grip on her shield with her off hand, it only tightened as she got closer and closer.

When the trail ended, there were several graves near her, each with their own secret entrance. Slowly she got off her horse, drew her sword, and stealthily crept amongst the tombs, looking for any signs, listening for the murmur of men. And she could hear it. Somewhere, underground somehow. A noise. The faint whisperings of muffled chatter. She followed it until she found an entrance to a cave alongside a grave, its name illegible in the growing darkness. No doubt all the men were in there, looting, pillaging.

"Xingcai!" She could hear Guan Ping call from behind her. The small flickers of flame from torches, no doubt a search party meant to find her, are far in the distance, dotting the horizon behind her. She contemplated just waiting and doing the right thing. Rationally, if she and Guan Ping and the other soldiers laid in wait for an ambush, avoid the bloodshed. But rationality had already left her the minute she rode off the village and instead Xingcai entered the cave alone.

Xingcai crept down the steps, the clack of her heels as silent as she can will it to. Two men stand at the bottom, staring at her stupefied. Who was she, and why was she there? They are knocked out, one with the pommel of her sword, the other with her shield. Three more men come into view, guarding the hallway to the tomb's closed entrance, see their knocked out comrades and the bloodthirst in her eyes. They unsheathed their weapons but their hesitance costs their lives. She stabbed one man, used his bleeding body as a shield before fatally slicing the second. The third collapses on the ground in fright. She stomps on his face to make sure he stays knocked out. No need to death if she can avoid it; that was what Liu Shan insisted she did and what she lived by. With all her opponents out of her way, she used her elbow to prop open the door to the tomb.

But once she saw the tomb, her body trembled. Her worst fears were true. This was her tomb. This was her sister's tomb. And in front of her were seven men, five of which were pillaging the place.

One man turned to her. "Who are you, girl?"

She recognised that portrait at the back. How her sister thought it was so stuffy looking, that it looked nothing like her. Xingcai always thought it looked beautiful. Gentle, graceful, elegant. All the things Xingcai envied in her older sister.

Another man looked behind the still-ajar door from when she stormed in. "S-sir, she killed five of our guys. I-I-Including Y-Yao."

In one corner, some of the men were hastily putting jewelry into a bag. One of the pieces of jewelry was the necklace her sister wore on the day of her wedding. A betrothal gift from Liu Shan, its price was unfathomable and yet it suited her splendidly. This was the very thing that proved to her sister that she was indeed being married, not just to a man who could provide for her but to a man who knew her every desire and would care for her until eternity. She was buried with that necklace. They had to have taken it off of her body.

"Well what are you waiting for? She's just standing there! Get her!"

All the strength Xingcai had was lost as she fell onto her knees, expressionless. This was her sister's holy place, her resting place. Xingcai was too late to stop them. She should have done more. She should have done more. The leader of the bandits slowly approached her, unsheathed his sword with deathly intent. He sneered at her as he held the sword up high. Xingcai only hanged her head in shame. Stupid, she thought, this was the most stupid thing I have ever done. Faintly the sword in the grave robber's hand glints in the light of the torches on the wall.

But then he stopped, his breathing still. And then he collapsed next to her, the unmistakable shape of a rapier through his chest. Blood foams at his mouth.

"Xingcai!" Liu Shan yelled. "Get up!"

She turned her head up to see him and his rapier stained crimson. The sight of him was enough to pull her out of the dreamlike state she was in, just in time for her to deflect an attack meant for Liu Shan. She countered with a shield bash. In the bandit's stunned state, she sliced him, once, twice, and he collapsed.

Liu Shan smiled at her, extending her hand. This was just like the last time he thought Bu Zhuo, except stronger. So much stronger, Xingcai thought. "Together?"

She nodded firmly. "Together."

The two charged after the remaining five men, all of who had drawn their weapons. Liu Shan striked first, with three rapid thrusts, two to the chest and one to the right leg. The first man barely dodged the first two but the third hit clean. The man fell to his knees. Liu Shan took the rapier out and kicked the bandit's head, toppling sideways. The bandit was unconscious.

"One down," Liu Shan breathed.

The second man was far more experienced. He swung twice, both wild in style but powerful. Xingcai parried both. He was much stronger than she was, she needed something else to win the battle. The bandit swung again but this time she was prepared, parrying it and countering it with a backslash. Steel penetrated both fabric but only grazing the skin, a thin trail of blood in its wake.

"Yer not so bad, girly." The bandit sniggered. "Should've just stayed on yer knees where ya belong."

Xingcai was unfazed. She won't let this get into her head. "Your ego shall be your downfall."

Irritated, the man charged at her; one slash, two, three, four. She blocked them all. His strikes continue, all with tremendous power, whittling away her shield. Xingcai digged her heels into the ground while she waited for his strength to die. His attacks slowed with every strike. Her opening got wider and wider, until she managed to cleave his hand and remove his weapon. At the stump of his former hand, he screeched.

"Should have saved your strength." Xingcai slashed at his exposed stomach. He fell. "Two, my lord!"

In the corner of her eye, there was a man fleeing and she began to pursue him but suddenly ducked her head, narrowly missing another soldier's swing. From behind her, Liu Shan grabbed the man by the back of his shirt and flings him to the opposite side of the room. "You are fighting me, not her."

Xingcai nodded quickly and managed to chase down the fleeing man, knocking him out with a knee to the groin and a downward pommel bash to the head. The man crumbled to the ground. "Three! Two more to go!"

"Over here!" Liu Shan cried, desperately trying to repel the attacks of the two remaining men who had banded together to fight Liu Shan. The grave robbers pushed him back with each attack. Liu Shan was running out of room to retreat. Slowly he tried to back away, all the while dodging and deflecting their attacks but stopped when he felt his foot brush against the wall behind him. He was trapped, a fact that both he and the two men knew, for his attackers smiled a wicked smile.

Their smiles were wiped off when Xingcai dived in, charging shield first into one of the men. The force of the shield took the breath out of his stomach. The surprise and the feeling of the hard ground on his head took away his consciousness. The last thug was momentarily stunned. That moment was all Liu Shan needed to stab him cleanly through the stomach. The thug whimpered slightly before collapsing in his own pool of blood.

Liu Shan walked up to the last body to collapse, her expressions unreadable. "We…did it."

Xingcai could barely reply, nodding ever so fractionally at him. For a few seconds, all she heard was their labored breathing as they surveyed the scene around them. Some injured, many killed. She should have been relieved, happy even. She had managed to prevent any unnecessarily shed blood and Liu Shan had saved her, proved he was capable of fighting to her. Instead she felt dreadful, and tired, and dreadfully tired. "Sister…" she sniffled.

Xingcai would have fell onto her knees then and there had Liu Shan not grab her by the waist and pulled her upright. His free arm wrapped around her shoulders just as she heard once again footsteps. Entering the tomb, Guan Ping and the assignment of soldiers and even a few of the village's protectors, slowly mobilized in. They all gaped with wide eyes at the scene of carnage.

"How…?" Guan Ping started.

"Xingcai caught the grave robbers red-handed. The element of surprise was what allowed us to fight them off so quickly." Liu Shan replied. "Everything they stole are stored in those bags. We'll need some people to handle the bags while the others clean this place up. "

Guan Ping nodded slowly and turned to Xingcai. "…Are you OK?" He frowned.

She did not respond, just stared blankly into the ground.

"W-well then…" Guan Ping turned to address the men, his expression more stern. "You heard the man. We need to clean this up and quickly." Guan Ping began placing the men in teams, each with their own orders. Xingcai could only just watch as the men filed into the tomb. She shut her eyes, she could not dare look as the soldiers tried to fix this place up. Xingcai knew it was ruined. Her sister's resting place was irreparable. "My lord," Guan Ping started, "This will take a while. You both deserve some rest. Take Xingcai back to the village with you."

Liu Shan nodded. "At once." He replied softly.

And so the emperor led her out of the tomb, helped her onto her horse still sitting by the edge of the graveyard, and together they made their way back to the village. Neither said a word on the journey. A gesture Xingcai appreciated internally but did little to distract her from her mind. And when they placed their horses near their troughs to rest and walked into the chief's house and entered the small room that was their resting place, only then did Xingcai say something.

"I…" Xingcai stopped, shaking her head lightly.

"What is it?" Liu Shan whispered. "Say the first thing on your mind."

She did just that. "So many people have called you the fool and yet between you and I, it was me that was the fool." Xingcai sighed. "I almost jeopardized our mission in going in alone. I almost got myself killed. I cannot expect to ask for your forgiveness."

"No, do not say that, Xingcai." He grabbed her hands. "Look, it was foolish but…but if I were in your shoes I cannot say for certain I would not do what you did."

"But—"

"No." He shushed her quietly. "What's done is done. All we have to worry about is the now, and right now there is nothing for you to worry about. You have done your duty and you have saved Huiling from a band of grave robbers. You've done your duty as best as you could."

Xingcai shook her head, tears forming in her eyes. "B-but I did not do my duty. Not my duty to my family. I ignored the signs that my sister was sick and weak, I pushed her to the edge. If it was not for me, she would…" She could not continue as she tried to hold back a sob.

There it was again, the sadness. He released her hands from his, her teeth biting into her lip, the pain had to distract her. It had to. But then she felt his arms wrapped around her, pulling her closer until her head was on Liu Shan's shoulder.

"If you want to cry then do it. There's no shame in it."

Xingcai frowned. "But it's shameful. I have to be strong for everybody, I can't afford to be weak. And I…I am sure you would think less of me."

"On the contrary," he whispered. "It is strong to admit your weakness. And my opinion of you won't change." His hug tightened slightly. "Let yourself go."

Tears began forming in her eyes as she buried her head in his chest. "Liu Shan…" Xingcai said as she finally let herself cry. She cried until his chest was stained with her tears, cried as she told him everything. How lonely she felt when her sister died and the guilt she felt. How she shut her emotions out because it had killed Zhang Fei. That she had been regretting to see her sister's resting place. That she did not deserve Liu Shan's kindness. To all of this, Liu Shan said nothing in words but replied in action. A gentle rub of her head, the slight squeeze of his arms around her. He wiped her tears away, stood there solemn, quiet.

His arms finally released when her cries reduced to mere sniffles and yet Xingcai found herself clutching him still.

His eyes widened. "X-Xingcai, I—"

"Hold me. _Please_."

Liu Shan complied, holding her once more, his fingers tracing her backside. And she responded in kind, her fingers gliding over his robes, her hands gliding over his body. And they were lost in each other, each trying to find comfort in the other as they lied alongside each other, hands still touching the other, neither wanting to let go. Finally, they fell asleep in each other's embrace, the scent of the other's sweat and the feel of their arms around them reminded them that they are safe in the other's embrace. In his arms, for the first time in Xingcai's life did she experience the true feeling of tranquility and peace.

* * *

The next morning, before Liu Shan woke up, Xingcai retrieved his coat from her chest and placed it into Liu Shan's. After sneaking about the chief's house and managing to acquire some ink and some paper, she wrote out a simple message for Liu Shan to find later, hopefully after they returned to the palace.

_You've given me far more than I deserve. It's only right that I return what is rightfully yours. Thank you for all you have done for me._

_Xingcai_

She dressed herself and experienced the cold morning for herself. She took in a deep breath. It was strange, she thought, how much easier it felt to breathe now that she got everything off of her chest.


	11. Changes with the times

_Yo I'm back with another chapter and this time ON TIME! WHOA!_

_Back to the Liu Shan perspective but before I get onto that HOLY MOLY LIU BEI WHEN DID YOU BECOME LIU **BAE**? Jesus. I had to double check myself by photoshopping his moustache out to see if he looked better and honestly moustache Liu Bei is better..._

_...then it turns out I didn't need to do all that photoshopping because a couple of days later they unveiled the aging system without his beard...goddammit._

_Anyways, Jin is DEFINITELY coming into play in the next chapter and I can't wait for you guys to see but you'll have to wait another month to find out. Stay tuned!_

_And as I always publicise here, reviews are ALWAYS WELCOME to have a party and, like, chill out. Maybe get a couple of candles, some romantic music, a little bit of vino...either way I love reviews and they're what helping me continue. I need ALL the Liu Shan x Xingcai support I can get. I'm happy with however much I get._

_DW is not my property. Nor is KOEITECMO. I don't even have a property because I'm secretly a shoe that's been living in the attic of a japanese business man's apartment. The secret's out, y'all._

Chapter 11: Changes with the times

It only occurred to Liu Shan how deep he had entrenched himself with Xingcai when he returned to the palace and by that time it was already too late. The past two days since returning from Huiling, Xingcai's behaviour had changed. She was more sociable, more kind. Her smile, warmer than the sun, would pop out from the horizon more often. And her jokes, so tiny but silly that he could not help but chuckle at, was proof that the Xingcai before him was a far happier person than before. There was no doubt that a weight had been lifted from her shoulders; that was the only explanation for her current, happier nature. And yet there was something else that he noticed, just beneath the surface. Xingcai's smile changed around him, her cheeks seemed almost permanently flushed in his presence. And then there was her closeness, he could almost feel the heat emitting from her skin.

If he did not know better, she was staring at him with the same intensity that he stared at her with.

But it did not make sense. When he had gazed at her with such intensity logic and rationale had no input and he was entranced in her beauty and wit and strength and everything. When Liu Shan stared at her with such intensity it was because he was love struck. And in Liu Shan's mind, he could not imagine Xingcai being love struck, least of all with him. Noticing now how often he stared at her, he prohibited himself from staring at her and compromising himself. And yet here he was now, sniffing the coat she had left in his personal effects, dreaming once again of that night with her in his arms, whispering the words _"Hold me"_ softly into his ear. But instead of her just lying in his arms sleeping, he imagined another scenario where he was on top of her and their clothing tossed aside or absent altogether. His lips would press onto her lips before drifting down. Down, down. Kissing the flesh she had never let anyone kiss before. See the depths she had never let anyone see before.

A part of him was relieved all they did that night was sleep side by side of each other. The other part of him was disappointed he did not take advantage of such a rare opportunity.

He had gone too far in sleeping so clos to her. He could have refused and slept by himself and prevented himself from feeling the way he felt right now, he knew his love for Xingcai was growing stronger the more he saw her. One day, he would have to confess his feelings for her. He just had to hope she was already married so he could prepare himself for the disappointment.

But as much as Liu Shan would like to fantasize and sniff coats with Xingcai's scent, he was at his estate for a reason and that was work. Putting away the coat in his wardrobe and entering his private study, he set about catching up on everything he had missed in the three days he was away and, as it turned out, the three days he was gone was quite eventful. New policies to review, propositions from the towns under Shu command, the current budget for war and palace administration, all on his desk for his consideration. These were all duties that Liu Shan had to approve of and while the work burden would be significantly easier with the help of his strategists and advisors, he thought working by himself posed a good distraction away from Xingcai. Concentrating on work for once, and not in frivolous things like relaxing and socializing, would stop him from seeing Xingcai. As long as it distracted him, Liu Shan did not mind how long the work would take.

Having worked from morning to afternoon with breakfast and lunch as his only breaks, Liu Shan was not expecting anybody to arrive. Thinking it a maid, he cried, "It's open."

Entering the study was not a maid however but Guan Xing and Zhang Bao. Liu Shan raised an eyebrow before returning to reviewing the scrolls in front of him, ignoring their presence. Currently, he was halfway through reviewing the supply lines for the upcoming war expedition up north. So far, it did not look good.

"Lord Liu Shan?" Guan Xing asked.

Liu Shan did not look away from the scroll. "What is it?" He said, unenthusiastic.

"You, um…well, we were…uh…" Zhang Bao stammered.

Guan Xing was smacked lightly on the head by Zhang Bao. "Ouch! Hey, that's not cool!"

"You were the one that wanted to talk to him." Guan Xing whispered loud enough for Liu Shan to hear.

"Urgh, fine." Zhang Bao turned to Liu Shan. "Can we talk, my lord?"

Though amusing, Liu Shan still did not move from his chair. "As you can see, I am rather busy right now. And I am almost certain you do not have an appointment with me. Can we do this later?"

Guan Xing turned to Zhang Bao. "Come on, man. This isn't that urgent."

Zhang Bao groaned loudly. "But if I don't do it now then I'll never get the chance." Zhang Bao turned to Liu Shan once more. "Please, my lord, hear me out. It's not urgent but it's important and we need to talk about this now."

Liu Shan sighed quietly, placed the scroll down and finally turned around to see the two sworn brothers. If his memories of Zhang Fei with Father said anything about their family, it's that the Zhang men were stubborn and persistent. Thank god Xingcai did not inherit that trait. "Fine." Liu Shan groaned. "What is it?" Perhaps this important matter would be a sufficient distraction from Xingcai.

"It's about sis."

_So much for avoiding Xingcai_ Liu Shan grumbled internally. "Surely there's nothing wrong with Xingcai. As far as I can tell, she's gotten happier. Much happier."

Zhang Bao stared wistfully outside the window, a small frown on his lips. "You don't really think that's all it is, do you?"

Liu Shan just stared blankly at the floor. "...What Xingcai feels is none of my business." As much as he would like it to be his business.

"But I wouldn't be here if I thought it wasn't your business, but here I am." Zhang Bao sighed, as if ashamed about what he was going to say. "Look, you gotta listen to me. I won't take much of your time and you don't have to say anything but you need to know this. Sis is changing and…you might be able to help."

Liu Shan studied Zhang Bao and saw an unusual expression, one born from desperation. It was legitimate concern, the kind any brother would have for their sister. But more importantly, Zhang Bao did not look like he was going to back down and Liu Shan was not going to get any work done if Zhang Bao was here.

"Fine." Liu Shan said.

"Really?" Zhang Bao asked hopefully.

"Really?" Guan Xing looked quizzically at the emperor.

"Yes yes, I will hear your piece." Liu Shan said impatiently. "But first, you must join me for a cup of tea. Come, follow me." Something in his mind told Liu Shan he would need a cup of tea for this particular sob story.

And so Liu Shan led them back to the main living area, sitting down at the table. The two men looked carefully, as if he had somehow poisoned the cushions but Liu Shan impatiently waved them over to sit. They cautiously sat down, one by one. As if on cue, one of Liu Shan's maids came over, awaiting his orders. He whispered an order of tea and with a deep bow, the maid set off at once.

Guan Xing and Zhang Bao sat uncomfortably, though the reason for their discomfort differed between the two. Liu Shan surmised it was his own reputation as the emperor that made Guan Xing ill at ease, it was not common for a man of his rank to even BE in his presence. As for Zhang Bao, it was obvious to see that public speaking, when done in a scenario where he did not have a significant advantage, was not his strong suit.

A few seconds passed with neither of the sworn brothers talking, leaving it up to Liu Shan to be the one to start the conversation. "Well, what is it?"

"A-apologies, my lord. We thank you for granting us this honour." Guan Xing bowed as far as his sitting position would let him.

Liu Shan was internally unimpressed but pretended to smile regardless. "I don't always say this but I am especially busy as of late so if you would be so kind as to be as succinct as possible, that would be helpful."

Zhang Bao squirmed in his seat slightly. "You know of sis's betrothal, right?" Liu Shan said nothing, afraid that if he spoke he will say regrettable things. Zhang Bao took this as a sign to continue. "T-Then you know of what she's had to endure these past few weeks. She wasn't brought up a noble like my older sis was, courting is not something she's used to. And now she's happier and more expressive and stuff, I've never seen her happier." Zhang Bao's forehead furrowed. "If something bad happens to her now, when she's this happy, she's going to be in a really bad state."

Liu Shan was perplexed. "Whatever do you mean?"

Zhang Bao waved his hand absent-mindedly. "Oh, it's gotta be obvious even for an idiot like you. She's gonna get betrothed to some guy she doesn't like, she'll try and get out of it and mother won't let her. They fight, no one wins, and all three of us are gonna be worse of because of it. And I…don't want to see her upset."

Though Liu Shan was used to people calling him an idiot behind his back and to his face, for some reason it had begun to irk him more and more as of late. As though he suddenly cared about what people said about him. Liu Shan scowled menacingly. "An idiot am I?"

Guan Xing's eyes widened. "N-no, of course not." He glared at Zhang Bao. "Isn't that right, Bao?"

Instead of looking apologetic, Zhang Bao was confused. He genuinely did not know what he said wrong. "Y-yeah…sorry, Lord Liu Shan."

Liu Shan's hand went up to his face, his fingers digging into the flesh and when his hand retreated his expression was normal—or as normal as he could make it. More and more it was getting harder to contain his true feelings. "It is fine. I am also at fault." Liu Shan's jaw clenched with his fake smile. "Please, continue."

"There's not much else to say. Xingcai's been awfully quiet about her dates and stuff and I was thinking, you guys are kinda close. Maybe you know what's gonna happen…don't you?"

Liu Shan wished he knew, but ever since he felt her tears stain his shirt he really had no idea anymore. Xingcai was, and always would be, an enigma to him. Shut off from the world and from simple expression, she was the only person he encountered that he could not read, could not easily delve into their mind and see what made them squirm. And for once in his life, when she weeped to sleep in his arms, he thought he understood her. But when they returned to the palace and she was all of a sudden happier, it felt like everything he knew about her was suddenly wrong. She had bared her heart and became happier as a result. It only reminded him of how much stronger Xingcai was, and how much further he needed to improve himself to be as strong as her.

Instead, Liu Shan replied, "Xingcai has changed, that is the gist of it. After going to Huiling, for whatever reason she had changed from the experience. But all change occurs with worldly experiences and time. If you want to ask me what is going to happen to Xingcai now that she had changed then I am afraid I do not know." Liu Shan pointed to the ceiling. "Only the heavens know what is in store for her. There's nothing any of us can do except comfort her in her time of need, should that time ever come." Liu Shan paused before adding, "I too hope that time does not come."

The tea shortly came in and for a few fleeting minutes, nothing was said. In silence they drank, slowly at first because of its heat, faster when the tea got cooler and they could gulp it down, anything to distract from the painful silence. Liu Shan found he could not enjoy even this, the tea he would treat himself after a long day's work for in his now swirling thoughts all taste had left him. And when the tea was finished, both Guan Xing and Zhang Bao bid their farewells and left without another word. Liu Shan got up and went to his study, brooding in silence over the myriad of possible futures surrounding Xingcai. When he found no possibility that satisfied him, it was only then that he decided to return to work.

The rest of the day, he toiled without rest, for Zhang Bao's words had unsettled him and work was the true distraction from his thoughts. Ignoring his parched throat and rumbling stomach he worked on into the night. Not even the dimming candlelight deterred him.

Zhang Bao offered a possibility that Liu Shan had not truly considered before, perhaps because he had been avoiding the subject entirely. That Xingcai would be unhappy with marriage and being tied down. But till now, Xingcai had expressed more worry about finding the right one that perhaps even she did not think about whether she herself was even ready. Perhaps it was foolish to consider this a possibility, it was Xingcai! She was the strongest woman Liu Shan ever knew, stronger too than his mother. She could forge down any path nature and duty will lead her down. But if it was her own guilt for her father's death that caused her to hide her emotions, what did her guilt for her sister's death hid?

He heard the door knock behind him and Liu Shan was about to tell them to come in, but the surprise had taken him out of his thoughts and his work. With a quick glance at the darkness outside and the half moon shining outside, he saw it was late. Very late, if he was correct. Excluding his bodyguards, all of his servants would have retired to their quarters. Who was at the door?

Before he could even consider the question, the door slid open. Xingcai arrived, carrying a tray of food.

He turned in his chair, taking one look at her, then the food. "what's this?"

"Food." Xingcai stated. "Your servants were saying you were working so hard you were starving yourself." She lifted the tray towards him. "I know it's late but I thought you might appreciate dinner."

"I-I shouldn't. I'm barely halfway through my work."

"But you must eat, my lord. It is late, and work can wait until tomorrow."

As the rumbling of his stomach grew with food in his sight, Liu Shan contemplated eating. But his stubbornness prevailed, slightly weaker than it was before. "No, I really shouldn't. I must work now until it gets too late."

Xingcai's head tilted slightly, unsatisfied with his answer. "I haven't had time to eat dinner either. Perhaps we can eat together?" Xingcai asked.

Though she phrased it like a question, from her mouth it sounded more like an order. And as with any order from Xingcai, Liu Shan could not refuse. Putting away his inkpot and brush, Liu Shan followed as Xingcai led him to the dining room. On the dining table already was one tray of food and two sets of cutlery. She set down the food tray she was carrying down at the head of the table. Liu Shan sat down, Xingcai a seat away from him. Never before did he ever wished his dining table was smaller. It was too big. It was not intimate enough.

In front of Liu Shan was a simple dish of fried rice mixed with vegetables and pork. If he had to give points then he would have to call it average at best in terms of presentation. However it was a different story with the flavor with its simple yet homely taste, a flavor he had not experienced in years. Memories of when he ate this very dish when he was young resurfaced. With every bite a piece of his childhood was recalled, some happy, some sad, most forgotten until now.

Liu Shan pointed at the dish, eyes wide with delight. "Did you make this, Xingcai?"

"Just because I am your bodyguard first and foremost does not mean I do not know some basic cooking." She took a bite herself, careful not to make a mess on her face. "Do you like it?"

"It's delicious." Liu Shan beamed. "I'm continuously impressed by what you are capable of. And perhaps even a little bit envious."

Xingcai smiled shyly. "I never said I was a good cook, this is very basic. I was actually planning on getting your private chef to prepare something quick for you but it seemed he had already retired home for the night."

Liu Shan smiled knowingly. "I'm not surprised, it is rather late." His chef was good but as of late did not get to do much cooking for the emperor. And when he did, it was usually all day preparations for banquets and feasts. Perhaps it would be good to give him a break, Liu Shan thought.

They both continued to eat. Liu Shan tried to enjoy his meal, his growling stomach yearned for nourishment, and yet he found himself far more distracted with Xingcai than any food in front of him. Since the trip he had yet to admire Xingcai and her gentle smile and the soft candlelight with its incandescent glow supplementing her beauty. It only proved to him how hopeless he was, that he found a woman far more appetizing than FOOD. Surely hunger overruled love any other day, did it not?

"My brother said he met you today." Xingcai said.

Liu Shan raised an eyebrow. "Oh? What did he say?"

"Nothing much. He mentioned you were behaving strangely."

Liu Shan frowned as he stared at his food. "You know I've been rather busy with documents and such. And I still have a long way to go before I will catch up." He sighed forlornly before adding, "My stress should not affect my behaviour however. I apologise if I was rude to Zhang Bao."

Xingcai's eyes twinkled with amusement. "You get stressed, my lord?"

"Even I get stressed, Xingcai. My foolishness might be the reason for my slow work pace but if you had to deal with half of the things written in those scrolls, you would probably get a headache too."

"Do you need my help then?"

"Depends on your knowledge on socioeconomic policies, and your knowledge on the current economic activity and how the summer season coming up will affect our economy, and of course have an intricate understanding of all of our governors and the current state of all our commanderies and provinces such that the most people will be happy while keeping Shu alive." Liu Shan groaned. He was getting a headache just talking about it. "It's a lot to deal with. Perhaps I shouldn't have gone on that trip to Huiling after all."

Liu Shan glanced at Xingcai, worried that at the mention of Huiling would send her into tears again. But nothing happened, not even a twitch on her lips to suggest she was hiding her emotions. Another sign that she had grown. "I do not think it was a mistake for you to go to Huiling. And you know how important your work is. Nothing will be easy so just…keep at it."

His eyebrow rose ever so slightly. "That's the best advice you can give me?"

"You know it is not." Xingcai said. "I know you have been working hard and I am proud of you but…I never thought I'd say this but you might need to slow down and relax. It's not healthy to do so much in so little time."

"But I cannot do that, Xingcai." Liu Shan said. "I have so much to do and I have a deadline for all this. If I can get this all done tomorrow, I have next week to handle the Jin ambassadors arriving. I cannot slow down now."

Xingcai shook her head. "My father always said that a strong person is someone who understands their own limits, and if you think you can handle this, well…" She left the rest unsaid, leaving him to guess what might have been said.

Xingcai stood up and took both trays, his plate completely clean of any trace of food. They walked outside to the entrance to his chambers where she placed the trays down by the door. And they stood there for a while, awkward, tense. Liu Shan figured this awkwardness would be inevitable, a consequence from that moment of weakness Xingcai had. He would do it all over again if he had to, he would gladly witness her naked emotions—beautiful and ugly—but this was the consequence he had to suffer, this unyielding discomfort in each other's presence.

"So, um…you're going to go home, Xingcai?"

She hugged herself to shield her body from the cold. "It's rather late. We both should go to sleep." She chuckled nervously. "You know how things are going for me lately. Every day a new suitor."

"I'm sure you are doing fine with your dates, right?" He smiled, apprehensive. "Well what am I saying, it is you, Xingcai. I'm sure you can handle anything that came your way."

"Yeah…" the tiniest of frowns creased Xingcai's face and for a second, Liu Shan wondered if he said something wrong. She quickly recovered herself, regaining her composure. "I will have to prepare myself for two dates tomorrow, do I not? It's the end of the week tomorrow and I'm sure you've organised something for me."

Liu Shan blanked. "O-of course. Hopefully it won't be as bad as the other ones you had."

"I hope not." Xingcai mumbled under her mouth as she looked into the ground.

For what might have been the first time in his memory, Xingcai seemed tired. Tired of life itself, it seemed.. Liu Shan had worries that she might crumble from the pressure but he did not think it was truly possible; it was unlikely at best. In a brief act of compassion his hand went onto her shoulder but almost immediately he felt her tense up and he quickly removed his hand away from her. After that night together he would not let him touch her. It was probably better that way, he thought.

With nothing else to say, the moon high up in the sky, Liu Shan and Xingcai decided to stay goodnight. Shortly afterwards, Liu Shan entered his palacial suite, past the living room into his bedroom where he quickly unrobed himself and plopped down onto the soft mattress with the grace of a log. He was too caught up in work, he realized. He forgot to organize the latest 'test' for Xingcai. The only hope he had was if somehow he could find some eligible bachelor tomorrow, one that had not met Xingcai AND met his high standards. In his mind, he drafted up a plan to do tomorrow detailing the estates he must visit to interview the suitors and the time he must spend for each as well as the travel time to get to each estate. No matter what possibility he looked, the chance for a break were few and far in between.

Liu Shan groaned. Suddenly, paperwork never looked so enticing.

* * *

Finally relenting to the insurmountable time pressure he now faced, Liu Shan had summoned Jiang Wei and Guan Xing into his study to help him finalise the documents he had and give some critique on the few scrolls that hadn't been finished yet. Under his direction, Liu Shan worked at lightning speed, rushing through the scrolls one by one.

"You really want to get all this over and done with, my lord." Guan Xing joked.

"Indeed," chimed an amazed Jiang Wei. "You are working so fluidly, my lord. I am in awe."

Liu Shan could barely hide his dissatisfaction despite the compliments, faking a smile. This was much faster than he had pushed himself before but this was not enough, he needed to be faster. "I've got other things today that can not wait until tomorrow."

Guan Xing smiled, impressed, as he tried to catch up to his lord's pace. "Then let's make sure we get through everything together."

What would have been a calm and orderly discussion became a flurry of questions Liu Shan directed at the two strategists. Scrolls in the chaos were desperately separated into categorized piles that, as they grew bigger and taller, slowly decreased the space between piles. Every couple of minutes, the stamp of the royal seal would ring out. A blur of hastily scrawled, barely legible ink was strewn through the scrolls, dictating approval or disapproval or other comments.

Liu Shan was thankful that he only asked for two of his strategists to help him because he doubted anyone else could have matched the pace he was setting up right now. Though neither Guan Xing nor Jiang Wei understood why, they knew time was of the essence and they knew they must serve their lord's every need and so they raced. Even then, they lagged behind slightly, the inability to grasp or guess what was in their lord's mind meant that they waited on his every command, barely able to keep up with Liu Shan's blistering pace. They critiqued and they wrote and they barely maintained order in the room that was now suffocating with the scent of sweat and stuffy scrolls.

For a brief moment, Liu Shan wondered how he might look right now as he read and re-read the scrolls he reckoned he could recite by heart by now. He had never worked this hard before— certainly not in the presence of others. He remembered his father's concerns about him. Liu Bei had said to his son that he looked irritated when he bore no emotion, and that he bore no emotion when he was thinking. In these circumstances it would be difficult not to think, so by the line of logic Liu Shan probably looked as though he was possessed by some demon that had taken over his mind and body, furiously driven on its single-minded path to complete its mission.

Then again, Liu Shan did have a single-minded reason for doing this and that was that he needed to finish all this as quickly as possible just so he could find an appropriate suitor for Xingcai. As much as his mind would tease him with the idea that he be the date himself, his consciousness would not allow it. Even if logically it would mean he would not go on this mad search and give him more time to carefully analyse what he was reading instead of blindly writing onward. He could also have postponed the work for tomorrow and dealt with it later but again he could not have that. Many of the scrolls he read listed urgent matters critical to the maintenance of Shu: the upkeep of a well that was beginning to run dry, the proposal to build a new dam, the new taxes to be imposed as a result of this year's bountiful crops, reconstructing the castle defences. Not only that but with the Jin ambassadors arriving tomorrow, he would not have much time to work on these scrolls. Delaying those could cost not just money but lives.

When the final scroll was stamped with the imperial seal, the men all shared a collective groan of relief as they all fell back into their chairs. The once meticulous study—only because Liu Shan never truly used it before—was now strewn with scrolls old and new. Atop Liu Shan's long desk was barely any room to breathe let alone write anything, itself also covered with more scrolls. Attempting to get out of the study without knocking down the piles that surrounded them would be a challenge but for that brief moment of rest, the three men could only moan about their desires for comfortable furniture, food, drink, and anything involving rest.

"I need a pillow. Like, a really fluffy pillow. So fluffy you would think it was a cloud." Guan Xing drawled. His eyes, glazed with tiredness, gave the appearance that he was drunk.

"I have an unhealthy desire for my bed that borders on sexual deviancy." Jiang Wei groaned.

Liu Shan winced at the mental image. "That's already too much information, Jiang Wei." He slowly turned his head to Guan Xing. "If you need a pillow I could, like, loan you one of mine."

Guan Xing's gaze attempted to focus on Liu Shan. "How fluffy is it though?"

"Once, after a grueling training session with Xingcai, I literally fell face down on it and felt like I was being hugged by an angel. But like, the angel was a warm panda. With soft fur."

"Coooool." Said Guan Xing, staring at the ceiling.

As much as Liu Shan wanted to stay here and enjoy this moment of respite, he still had a mission to complete. Groaning as he rose from his chair, the blood slowly going back into his numb legs, he tiptoed past the piles of scrolls to the door.

Jiang Wei turned, eyes half lidded. "You're…leaving already?"

"You guys go when you feel like it, I have to leave. Ask one of the servants if you want anything to eat or drink before you go, that's the least I could do to thank you guys for helping me on this short notice."

"It is no trouble, my lord, but where are you going?" Jiang Wei asked.

Liu Shan's lips pursed. Jiang Wei might know some eligible bachelors but he had already done enough for him. Better not to ask. "Just around. Might have a tour of the palace," he said instead.

And tour the palace he did indeed do, though not in the way Jiang Wei first imagined. Going from house to house questioning, sometimes even interrogating, he campaigned to find an eligible bachelor for Xingcai to do. And finding the person was the easy part, the hard part was finding out if they were available that day, had not been set up on a date with Xingcai in the past and most importantly, seemed nice. Liu Shan would have thought that the last one would be the hardest criteria to reach but as it turned out, it was much harder to find someone who had NOT dated Xingcai.

Though he was almost purely business, pretending to act on behalf of Lady Xiahou, that did not mean he could not spare a couple of words between the bachelors in question. Almost all of them were distant friends of his and many times in conversation Liu Shan had questioned why he did not talk to them more. But as he drudged on with no success he began to notice a pattern between the men. A certain tic they had, usually appearing when they first confronted Liu Shan. It was malicious, jealous. Greed mixed with pride. Like lightning their annoyance would flash on their face before subsiding into the dark night. Liu Shan's mood began to sour the more he saw it. By the time he finally called for a short break to sate his empty stomach, it was late in the afternoon. He had a few meager hours until sunset in which Xingcai would see him in that claustrophobic storeroom, waiting.

Since it was late his chefs were not prepared for Liu Shan. Half expecting the emperor to skip lunch, he was not at all surprised to hear from the chefs that his food would take some time to prepare. As much as he would rather skip lunch entirely and simply gorge on a decadent dinner as reward, Xingcai's words rung true and clear. _You must eat, my lord_ she whispered in his mind. _You must eat._ Combined with his grumbling stomach, stubbornly refusing to cooperate unless he was fed, he resigned to sitting impatiently for his food to arrive. He could have avoided such a time consuming mistake if he had only just ate lunch at a normal time. Not only that but since it was so late in the afternoon, there wasn't even anyone to talk to and have a chat with while he waited. The wait would be long and it would be boring.

But then Guan Yinping and Bao Sanniang, arrive in the hall, Bao Sanniang holding a cat in her arms. She impatiently asked a nearby servant to provide her something, cat in her arms and Guan Yinping waiting by her side, and shortly afterwards the servant came back with a small helping of meat in a petite bowl. The servant placed the bowl on the ground just as Bao Sanniang placed down the kitty. It sniffed the food curiously before quietly nibbling at it. Liu Shan would have found it cute were it not for his grumbling stomach at the sight of meat and his own unease around animals. Still, he could always talk to the two girls, if only to distract him from his own hunger. From a distance. Away from the cat.

"Guan Yinping, Bao Sanniang, how are you both doing?" Liu Shan greeted as he approached them. The cat, three steps away, was already glaring dangerously in his direction. Liu Shan took one step back, which seemed to satisfy the animal who snorted in his direction.

Bao Sanniang turned to face him with a grin. "Oh, nothing much, nothing much." She giggled. "Lil' Fluffy here was STARVING earlier and I had to help a fellow feline."

"A 'fellow' feline?" Liu Shan asked, amused.

"That's right. And I got claws I'm not afraid to use." Bao Sanniang meowed, slashing the air with a clawed hand.

"So what brings you here, my lord? Want to help us feed Fluffy?" Guan Yinping asked.

"I'd…rather not." Liu Shan eyed the cat, currently distracted with its meal. No way was he getting any closer to that thing. "But to answer your first question, I am here for a bit of a late lunch. Much like Fluffy here, I suppose."

Guan Yinping glanced around the empty dining hall. "Oh? It's rather late for lunch, isn't it?"

"Well yes, yes it is. Unfortunately for me I've been rather busy. Emperor duties and all, you probably would not understand." He chuckled lightly. "I barely understand my duties as it is."

Bao Sanniang placed her hands on her hips. "Well it doesn't sound fun to eat lunch all by yourself. You want us to join you?"

Liu Shan shook his head slightly. "There is no need. I would not want to impose on you and your day." Additionally, he did not think it would be a very good idea if anyone in the Guan family saw him eating alone with Bao Sanniang and Guan Yinping. Guan Ping would kill him.

Bao Sanniang crossed her arms with a pout. "Why not? It's not like we have anything interesting going on today. Right, Yinping?"

Guan Yinping looked quizzically at her friend. "No but…didn't you want to go say hello to Suo?"

Bao Sanniang's pout was further exaggerated. "I changed my mind. I wanna hang out with you and Fluffy and Lord Liu Shan. Is that too much to ask?"

Guan Yinping frowned. "Is that because you saw him talk to the Wang sisters this morning?"

For a brief second, Sanniang sulked. It was all Liu Shan needed to know how jealous she was. "M-maybe." She admitted quietly. Then, louder, as if trying to hide her pain, "B-but I can always talk to him later! Anyway, let's talk about something else."

Both girls turned to face him. As always, he was the one expected to come up with a conversation topic. One such topic occurred to him: he could ask the two girls about Xingcai and if she displayed any _romantic_ interest in someone. But already he was hesitant to ask them about it. It might send the wrong message or, worse, direct him to people he's already talked to and waste any more time. But then he's already wasted time by waiting until now to have lunch. He could at least get some information out of this.

"So girls, has Xingcai talked to you about guys? And anyone she's…well…interested in?"

Bao Sanniang gave a coy smile, already forgetting about her romantic problems. "Why would you want to know, Lord Liu Shan?"

Liu Shan blushed. He already regretted asking. "J-just tell me, please. I was thinking…well, with her betrothal party coming up I could help her find a date." He coughed before adding, "Perhaps you know of anybody she likes. Or anyone she pays any special attention to?"

Guan Yinping giggled behind her mouth. "What, apart from you?"

Liu Shan scoffed, his blush deepening to a dark crimson. This was a mistake. "Y-yes, apart from me." Surely Xingcai did not act THAT differently around him, did she? It's only because he's her employer, surely.

"We're only teasing, my lord." Bao Sanniang grinned. "Honestly, I wouldn't know if she likes anyone in particular but Xingcai's been acting pretty chummy lately."

"Yeah, she has!" Guan Yinping said enthusiastically. "She's been really happy and nice lately. Not that she wasn't nice before but she's SUPER nice now. Sometimes I even see her smiling. And Xingcai never smiles."

Liu Shan rolled his eyes. "What are you talking about? Xingcai smiles all the time. Surely you're exaggerating."

Each girl raised their right eyebrow, smirking. "Maybe when she's around you, my lord." Bao Sanniang smirked knowingly.

Liu Shan wanted to deny their teasing but now that he thought about it, Xingcai did behave differently around him. Even before, when they were not as close, she would be gentler. Calmer. Happier. She was his guiding star, lighting the way forward in the darkness. Warm and bright, he never even considered the possibility that the star was shining bright for him alone. But he could not entertain such possibilities. Xingcai was his bodyguard and she needed him to find her a proper gentleman, a worthy suitor. No matter how bright she shined in his presence, he would never be worthy of her.

Liu Shan asked, "Please just tell me what I need to know. I'm trying to organize a date for her." He paused before adding, "That's not me."

The two girls turned to each other and shared a look. Transmitting a message that even he with his understanding of human nature could not decode, their expressions were unreadable under his scrutiny. "I don't know..." Guan Yinping mumbled.

"Please" Liu Shan pleaded. "This is to help Xingcai."

With the cat finished with its food, Sanniang gently picked up Fluffy. In her arms, it seemed content. Just like a baby. "Well if you REALLY wanna help Xingcai then we can help too! When do you have the date planned?"

For a split second he felt hope. Genuine hope. "…in a couple of hours?" Liu Shan smiled sheepishly.

Both girls blanched. Liu Shan could have sworn the cat would have facepalmed right then and there if it was physically capable of doing so. Sanniang, frowning, replied, "Yeah, no I can't help out. I got a date with Suo tonight."

"Sorry, Lord Liu Shan. I too have plans today." Guan Yinping lifted her bicep. "My arms feel a bit lacking in power recently. I've been resting for too long."

Liu Shan sighed. He should have known. It was stupid. This was stupid. "It's fine, I understand. I'll leave you both to Fluffy then." He waved at them, already disheartened. "Have a good day."

"Goodbye," they simultaneously chimed before returning to the care of their feline companion. The cat purred from their soft touch as they walked towards the exit.

Not even a minute after they had left that a servant came in bearing food. Liu Shan ate silently, alone in the dining hall except for the bodyguards standing guard and the servants waiting on his hand and foot. Even with all these people inside the dining hall it felt empty and hollow. Standard decorum stated that he was not to engage in pleasantries with anyone 'significantly below' his status, and he only breached that rule just to solidify his reputation as a fool. He needn't chat to these people to know he was a fool and he no longer felt the same pleasure when he successfully fooled others with his well-practiced idiocy.

The food he ate was elaborate, extravagant, and decadent. Every bite produced hundreds of microscopic flavours, instruments to the symphony these flavours meddled into. And the scent—rich meats and delicate vegetables held together by a fine sauce—also worked together to produce a unique smell that seemed to enhance the flavor, supporting it ever so softly. But he had had this dish before and with last night's meal, he was starting to get sick and tired of decadence. He missed the homeliness of food, the comforting feel that food once had when he was young. A parable of simpler times, before he knew chaos, before he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders. Disregarding whatever secret meaning his preference in food had, he ate just enough to satisfy his stomach, wiped his mouth, and left.

His encounter with Guan Yinping and Bao Sanniang had already demoralized Liu Shan, so it came to no surprise when he still found no success the second time around. The short notice was of no help, as most of the candidates he had asked cited having 'other plans' as their reason for not going. He found it absurd someone would not give up some of their time to spend with Xingcai but said none of this as he went by residence to residence. Two hours passed by in a flash. With aching feet, he glumly surrendered himself to the fact that there was no noble man in Shu that would accept his request and slowly walked back to the store room, their private place for their lessons. By the time he got there, he had no more than thirty minutes before Xingcai arrived, less if she was early and Xingcai was almost always early. He slumped against the wall, sliding down it until he was sitting on the floor. His feet were thankful for the rest but his mind was restless. It berated him for wasting time, ridiculed him for not planning ahead. He rubbed his temples as a headache started to form.

Ten minutes of sitting, twenty minutes left until Xingcai would arrive, when Guan Ping passed by. On seeing his lord slumped and visibly unwell, he stopped and crouched down beside him. "Lord Liu Shan?"

Liu Shan groaned, more out of tiredness than annoyance.

"Are you…OK?" Guan Ping asked.

Liu Shan nodded weakly. "I'm fine, I'm fine. I'm just a bit tired. That's all."

Guan Ping was not convinced. "Anything you want to talk about?"

"Nothing that should worry you, _sworn brother_."

Guan Ping scoffed dramatically and rolled his eyes, and yet there was humour in his expression. "I don't need any MORE brothers than I already have. Besides, if I remember things correctly, we never got to the _sworn_ part of that brotherhood. In fact I distinctly remember you chickening out because you claimed it was _too early_ and _cold_."

The corners of Liu Shan's lips quirked up. "But it was awfully cold for a spring morning, honestly. Your teeth chattered so loudly I was starting to think they were about to fall out. Those pearly whites, wasted on a man like me."

"Speak for yourself, at least I had the excuse of dressing light. When you came out of the chief's house in Huiling you looked like you were wearing half of your belongings."

Liu Shan laughed. "Probably because I was."

The two men chuckled as they reminisced on the recent memories they made in Huiling, its echoes still fresh in mind fading away as their laughter quieted. Liu Shan turned to the man by his side, eyes gleaming with hope and strength. For as long as he had known Guan Ping and learnt of their mutual attraction to Xingcai, he was worried about having him as a rival. In a way, he still was but at least, finally, they could talk together like normal people. Like real friends.

"Hey, Lord Liu Shan?"

"Hmm?"

"What happened to Xingcai? Back in the tomb, I meant. When I last saw you guys that night, she looked so defeated and yet when she woke up the next morning, it's like a different person almost."

Liu Shan looked at his interlaced fingers sitting on his lap. "It was her sister's tomb. And I think Xingcai had not come to terms with her death until then. She needed to let it all out, needed a release. I guess that's why she was so quick to bounce back."

Not that Liu Shan thought any person was capable of changing so rapidly in demeanor. Not even Xingcai. Something else must have triggered her brighter mood lately. Perhaps not having to worry about her love life for once might have done the trick.

"When…you say 'release', did you mean she…did something?" Guan Ping adjusted his collar nervously. "You guys didn't DO anything, right?"

Liu Shan was repulsed of the idea. To take advantage of her when she's emotionally weak, that was wrong. "Of course not! She just…cried. She cried and cried and cried for what felt like hours." Liu Shan paused before adding, mournfully, "I don't think I've ever seen her so vulnerable before."

"Wow." Guan Ping solemnly replied.

"I'm glad she feels better now but…I feel guilty, Guan Ping. Up until recently, I've just been a burden to Xingcai. And for once in my life, I try to do something to make up for all of her years of service and I fail her. I fail her and myself." Liu Shan buried his head in his hands. "I truly am a fool."

Guan Ping did not reply right away. He stared off into the distance, thinking, as though the horizon held the answers he could not articulate. Then he spoke. "You say you're a fool but I haven't had the guts to ask Xingcai out. And here I'm supposed to be the courageous general, the son of the god of war, yet I cannot even ask out a girl." Guan Ping turned to Liu Shan. "Before, I would blame you, my lord. Xingcai's always around you and she's always happier, gentler, kinder. And I see how you looked at her and how you admired her from afar like I did. Maybe I was jealous that I had a competitor for her affections."

Any other time, Liu Shan would have ben surprised that Guan Ping knew of his attraction to Xingcai but, thinking on his past actions, he was never exactly subtle. He lowered his hands slightly. "You knew?"

"Yeah." Guan Ping whispered. "But now I see that you too are like me, too scared to ask her out, too afraid of failure, if you will."

"What makes you say that?" Liu Shan asked.

"If either of us had the guts to ask her out we would have done it by now, before she got too embroiled in her betrothal. It would have saved all of us a lot of trouble. We wouldn't have to live a life filled with fantasies. We could have just accepted reality, regardless of the outcome."

There was truth to Guan Ping's words. All the trouble he went through today and all the trouble before, it could all have been avoided with three words: _I love you_. If Liu Shan had said that before…what would she have said? Would she have agreed? He still had difficulty imagining a world where she said yes and they lived happily ever after. Happy endings don't exist in a world plunged with war and chaos.

It suddenly came into Liu Shan's mind that there was another solution Liu Shan had for his current dilemma: asking Guan Ping to go out with Xingcai. After all, it was like a fairytale, the childhood friends and their relationship evolving into love and affection. Xingcai deserved a fairytale. But just like Guan Ping said, he was too frightened by the consequences. A part of him still wanted to be the one by Xingcai's side forever, no matter how often his mind rationalized that the two of them would never work out. Stubbornness, perhaps, or maybe he just could not let go of Xingcai.

"You do have a chance, Guan Ping. Perhaps I may seem as a rival of sorts but…I only want what's best for Xingcai. And if you confess to her and she reciprocates then I will not stand in your way." Liu Shan said. "It's only a matter of time before she gets married. You should talk to her before it's too late."

Guan Ping frowned. "What about you?"

Liu Shan shook his head. "I don't need to say anything. I'm content with just being her friend." He lied.

Guan Ping couldn't help but break into a smile. He needed to hear it, some kind of confirmation that what he wanted to do was not wrong. If only Liu Shan could say the same to himself. "It really was stupid of me to think you were my rival."

Liu Shan chuckled lightly. "We're friends first and foremost, Guan Ping. Cousins-in-law, if our father's brotherhood held any legal weight."

Guan Ping stood, his arms stretching behind him as he rolled his neck. In the dying light of the sun, his expression was unreadable, the sunlight too bright. All Liu Shan could see was a faint smile as Guan Ping looked down upon him. "You know, my lord, we might have been joking about it before but…if you ever want to become sworn brothers of anything I don't think I'd object too much."

Liu Shan's eyes widened. "What? W-why?"

Guan Ping shrugged. "Our fathers made their brotherhood on a spur of the moment decision, I thought I might as well." He smiled a bit wider. "Besides which, I don't really have someone else to have my back apart from Xingcai."

Liu Shan stood up. "You…trust me?" The concept seemed so foreign, just weeks ago Guan Ping treated him with the same disdain as everyone else. Someone actually cared about him enough to become his sworn brother?

Guan Ping smiled. "Against all reason and logic? Yeah. I do." He put his fist towards Liu Shan. "Promise me you will become stronger than before."

Liu Shan smirked and bumped his fist with Guan Ping. "Only if you promise me the same. When we're strong enough, we can officially become sworn brothers."

Guan Ping smirked. "I'll hold you onto that, my lord. Count on it."

Guan Ping began walking down the hallway, at which point Xingcai appeared from behind the corner. The two nodded as they walked by and Liu Shan, surprised by her appearance, tried to pat himself down and straighten himself up. Of course, as Xingcai came into appearance Liu Shan was entranced. Wearing her dress, her lips rouge and hair proper, she looked every bit the noblewoman. She smiled as she looked at him, so carefree and adorable that he felt his cheeks flushing just from looking at her. So many times he had forgotten how beautiful she was. So many times he was left breathless like he was right now.

"Let's go inside, shall we?" She gestured to the door to the storage room. Afraid he will say something improper, Liu Shan was silent as he followed Xingcai inside.

Within she seated herself politely, hands folded on her lap as she sat on the cushion. She smiled graciously at him. If he did not know better he would have thought that it was some sort of Xingcai imposter, someone who looked like her but acted like someone else. She was no less beautiful but her behaviour disquieted Liu Shan. Her smile was strained.

"Lord Liu Shan." Xingcai said calmly. Her speaking at least did not change, to his relief. "I hope that the 'test' this time isn't too stressful."

Liu Shan frowned, one hand nervously lacing itself into his hair. "About that…I wasn't able to find someone."

She stared at him, as if trying to tell if he was joking or lying. But after confirming he was telling the truth, her lips pursed slightly. "No one at all?"

Liu Shan sighed heavily. "I know, I know. I'm sorry. It's just…I wish I had an excuse but I don't. I forgot, and I have been on a wild goose chase to find someone for you because you deserve to go on at least one good date but…" Liu Shan shook his head, unable to finish the sentence. He's failed her. He's disappointed her.

Or at least, that was the reaction he expected from Xingcai but instead a more compassionate, sympathetic expression spread across her face. A small, pitiful smile spread across her face. "It is alright, my lord. It does not matter. I had something to tell you anyway, my lord. I've made a decision about my courtship."

"What kind?"

Xingcai shifted in her seat. "I've been thinking about all these dates I've been going on. And my expectations, believing that I could find the love of my life in just a couple of weeks?" She chuckled, barely hiding her unease. "So I thought I would just…keep my mind open. Just endure these dates. And when mother announces whom I shall marry then I won't question her judgment. I realize it is foolish, looking for someone I will never find. So it's probably best that we end these lessons now. Thank you for all your help, my lord."

It felt like he had been stabbed in the heart. For Xingcai, in all her glory, to decide it was better to close her heart off and let herself marry whoever was thrust upon her? To abandon any possibility of finding love and just hope that the guy she married is decent? Hope he will care for her? Hope she will love him?

"Xingcai…"

"I know this seems like a rash decision but I've been thinking about it for a couple of days now. This may not be what you wanted but this is what's best for me."

"What's best for you?!" Liu Shan could feel the fury rising in his chest. "What is best for you is to find someone that cares! Not just some man that your mother arranged because his coin purse is full!"

"Oh, so suddenly you know what's best for me?"

Liu Shan bristled. "I know what it is like to be courted. And believe me, you don't want to marry someone you just met hoping against all belief that you might fall in love."

Xingcai was indignant. "Why can't you just accept that nothing is working?! All these dates, all these men, I've seen so many and I've felt nothing! No romance, no spark. How am I expected to find love when after all this time I still haven't found it?"

"I never said this would be easy, Xingcai."

Xingcai scoffed loudly. "You do not truly know how difficult this is."

"Oh yeah? How so?" Liu Shan asked.

"The minute you were of marrying age, you found love in my sister. And she loved you, trusted you! You expect me to believe that we are the same? That you know what I have to suffer through right now?"

Liu Shan's temper flared. "You don't know anything about us!"

Xingcai stood silent for a second, her eyes glaring daggers at him. All Liu Shan could hear was the sound of their heavy breathing. In a low voice, she growled, "My sister loved you."

"Well I did not love her! She deserved someone who loved her and cared for her but I could not love her! I…" Liu Shan's voice wavered. "I-I…did not…love her."

It was the first time he had talked about his deceased wife. Just like Xingcai, he had been avoiding the subject but once he let the words out and he felt the darkness inside himself seep out, he felt…exposed. As if he let out a secret. But it was not something he regarded as a secret. The love he had for his empress was played for the audience, faked. But then again he never admitted it out loud, least of all to Xingcai of all people who worshipped her like a goddess.

Xingcai clutched her arms protectively, as though the words were an attack on her person. "No, it's not true." She mumbled to herself.

He felt sick to his stomach, watching Xingcai's face contort to horror and despair. A truth she had acknowledged for so long turned out to be false. She believed a lie for so long. He could not stay here any longer and cause her further misery. He quickly sat up and opened the doors. Once he was outside, he ran for a destination unknown.

Why was he running? His legs burned and his lungs craved oxygen but still he ran. Why was he running? The answers were blurred to him, missing fragments preventing him from getting the complete picture. To get away from Xingcai was one thing but why did he have to distance himself? No, he realized, the answer was in the question. Liu Shan had to distance himself away from Xingcai. It was their closeness nowadays, so close, that furthered Xingcai's troubles and he did not want to cause her any trouble. If he could hide away and revert their relationship back to how it used to be, maybe then he would not cause Xingcai so much pain.

But Xingcai was fast. Even with dainty shoes and a dress that tightly hugged her body, she was fast. He ran through hallways, left, right, left again, and found himself heading straight for the gardens, Xingcai hot on his heels. He had to hide but where? The shrubbery was too low to hide behind and the lone tree gave little room to hide in. The only chance he had was if he somehow climbed the tree and got himself on the rooftops. It was childish, with a slim chance of success, but he had nothing left to lose. He scrambled up, narrowly avoiding the branches and had just barely rolled himself up. If he wasn't trying to be quiet, he would have remained breathless by the view.

Up on the roof of the palace, he could see the entire kingdom. On his right sat the town where many of the shops were beginning to close down or were preparing for dinner, families returning home, the streets slowly clearing of people. To his left was the expansive wilderness, trees rising to the heavens, animals mingling peacefully, a world shaded from the light and yet it was no less beautiful to his eyes than the town and the palace he was sitting on. And then there was the horizon. With the setting sun the sky began changing colours. Yellow, orange, purples and pinks. Seeing the great expanse in front of him, he was captivated to just stay there and watch.

A minute later, he could hear the soft grunts of Xingcai climbing the tree behind him but he did not look back. Once she herself climbed up onto the roof, she sat beside him. Liu Shan dared not to look at her face. He distracted himself with the view.

"…When I first met your sister, I had been courting noblewomen for a while now. Every single time, I could not bear to be in their presence. While I wanted a companion, they just saw money and power. A figurehead but not a person. So I suppose I was relieved when I met her and felt this breath of fresh air. She was so warm and kind and amazing. _This was it_ , I thought, _finally someone I could marry_. So I had my father arrange the marriage with her with your father. The second I took her veil off when the marriage ceremony was over, I knew she was in love with me. I figured, surely the more time I spent with her I too would fall in love with her. It was only a matter of time, I thought."

Liu Shan paused, expecting Xingcai to say something. She only looked at her hands fiddling on her lap.

He continued, "We spent days together, and those days turned into months. A year, even. We both waited patiently for the day that I would fall in love with her but instead, nothing happened. Or, to be more specific, I did fall in love with her but it was a love shared by siblings and family, not between husband and wife. I felt the compulsion to care and protect her but not the compulsion to kiss her and caress her. Even when she told me she wanted to be with child, I only complied to fulfill her wish. There was no passion in my marriage. The only thing that kept us together was her undying love and trust in me."

"So…when she died…"

Liu Shan stared gloomily. "I was heartbroken, yes. But more than that, I felt guilty. For so long she had loved me unconditionally, supported me through thick and thin. No material things I could offer her were worth the same amount in my eyes. She loved me, and I could not, and she died knowing very well that I did not love her like she did. Till this day I wonder why I could not love her. It's only recently that I figured out why."

"What reason was it?"

"She simply wasn't my type." Liu Shan attempted to chuckle but it came off bitter. Melancholic. "Figures. I find a smart, beautiful, funny woman who loves me and it turns out she is not my type."

Liu Shan did not know why he was saying all this. Maybe he needed to get this off his chest. Maybe he wanted to tell someone what he was truly feeling for once. Or maybe, just maybe, they both needed to hear it. He glanced at Xingcai, her stoic expression beginning to crack with concern.

"You're saying I should be sure he is the one before I marry someone. That I need to feel some sort of attraction." Xingcai said.

"I'm saying don't make the same mistake as I did. Forcing yourself to love someone is impossible. When you love someone you have to let it happen naturally, and with many people that will never happen."

Xingcai stared at the colours of the sky. The bright orange light contrasted heavily with the deep purple clouds. "Why can't romance be easy?"

"I don't know," Liu Shan sighed. "I really don't know."

Dusk was beginning to settle and with it, a change in the wind. Its currents swept through them, grazing his face and hands, brushing Xingcai's arms as she desperately clutched them together to stop the cold. Liu Shan could not help but chuckle slightly. The Xingcai in front of him, alight in golden flame and curled into a ball, had a perchance for being cute. It seemed she was blushing too. Liu Shan reasoned however that it was only because of the cold. He deliberated whether or not to give him his coat once more but decided that he could not handle having two coats smelling like her now.

"I'm sorry." Xingcai said.

"Don't be. I overreacted."

Xingcai shook her head. "No, I pushed you to anger. I was frustrated and upset already and I put my frustrations on you. I did not think you too would be affected by her death."

Liu Shan was reminded of the dream he had of Xingcai's sister. In the white clothes, her hair still as long and luscious as he remembered. Maybe he really was more affected by her death than he thought. Perhaps that's why he had that dream in the first place?

Xingcai hugged her arms in an effort to remain warm. The wind did little to help the rapidly dropping temperature. "If my sister was not your love then…who was? I assume there must have been someone you liked."

"Wouldn't you like to know?" Liu Shan chuckled. "I could tell you about the first woman I fell in love with. I must have been 15 and her 20, and she had this aura that said she was off-limits to everybody, that she was all-powerful, an empress of her own domain. I must have liked that about her because I pursued her with a passion. Alas, when I did eventually woo her she was far more occupied with my money than anything I said or did. Last I heard of her, she married a wealthy noble and now never leaves her suite except to buy something."

Xingcai giggled. "I wouldn't call it love but the first guy I was attracted to, that was when I was a child. I would admire him from afar but he honestly did not know I was female until we began to blossom into adults. By that time, it was he who was charmed by me but by then he no longer held my interest."

Liu Shan leaned in closer. "Why is that?"

Xingcai smiled inwardly. "I don't know. I think I just grew out of him. That day was the day I realized that I had truly become an adult, that the things that used to bring me pleasure before no longer have the same effect." She gave a mischievous grin. "The opposite is also true."

Liu Shan blinked. "Are you suggesting something about me?"

Xingcai giggled again. "Lord Liu Shan, we did not meet at the best of times. Working for a man so diligent and hardworking like your father, you seemed lazy and unmotivated in comparison."

Liu Shan turned his head, his hand covering his mouth to hide his blush. "Thanks for the compliment, Xingcai. That truly does raise my spirits."

"That was before and now I know you two are different men despite being father and son. You care for your people, my lord. You bring guidance to the lost and the uncertain. You light the path for others to follow and you do so willingly even if no one notices how hard you try. That is why I gladly serve you. To fulfill that dream we both share."

It was hard not to blush any harder than Liu Shan already was. Harder still was him trying to still his tongue, there were so many things he could say about her that he had fallen in love with. His eyes locked onto hers and they stared into each other's souls and he thought he had the right words to say.

"When I first met you I found you quite strict, Xingcai. But then I had so many tutors and teachers that I just felt like you were another person to boss me around. But you were also strong—far stronger than I thought possible. I envied it. For so long I was weak, a horrible fool, and to see your strength made me wish I could be stronger too to match you. Over time I saw the secret to your strength. How you were so strong of mind, how you exerted so much will power to do what you do. You hoped, and you fought for that hope. To me, you were, and still are, a shining stare of hope." Liu Shan smiled. "I guess what I am trying to say is that I'm stronger with you, Xingcai. And I will not let myself be blinded to the sacrifices you have made to stand by my side."

Xingcai smiled, leaning in closer to him. "We have changed, my lord."

"Indeed we have."

Her expression morphed into one he could not read. The only thing he could see was lightning. "Tell me. Change is…good, right?"

It was a perfectly innocent question and yet the way she looked into his eyes, he could not help but gulp nervously. His blush crimsoned. "I-I think so." Liu Shan stammered. "The way we're changing, I think we're changing for the better."

Her expressions before were never easy for Liu Shan to read but never were they this undecipherable. There were too many emotions, too much for him to understand. And yet he found himself drawn in regardless. Would the truth about himself be the key to solving the mystery behind her stare? Would the truth about himself set the both of them free?

"What if I said I was having strange thoughts?" Xingcai's eyes sparkled like the stars. "What if I said I think I might be falling for someone, my lord?"

He wanted that man to be him, god he hoped she was falling for him. The voice of doubt telling him that she had to be talking about someone else was beginning to fade. "I don't care. I just want you to be happy." He wanted to be the one to make her happy.

"Even…" Xingcai let out a shaky breath, "even though it might be a mistake?"

Their faces were only a few centimetres apart. He could feel her breath on his face. In her eyes her expression briefly flashed a look of fear, quickly quelled and hidden. It was the fear a person felt before pursuing the next stage in a relationship, a fear he was accustomed to. But she swallowed her fear as she looked into him and he felt her see the depths he had hidden for so long. He was calm, for the first time in his life he was unafraid of her gaze. He wanted her to see all of him, he realized. He needed her to see all the good and bad he was. He needed her. _He needed her_.

His hand rose to cup her cheek. "Xingcai," Liu Shan sighed breathlessly.

She rose her hand to rest at her cheek above his. Electricity springs from his hand with her touch. She did not refuse him. She did not say no.

" _Liu Shan…_ " Xingcai moaned softly.

He shivered from her words. An electric shock ran all the way down his spine and he was almost certain she knew. Their faces were so close, her lips were so close, and yet they continued to stare. Like it was the only thing holding them together. Breaking eye contact was like breaking a bond. He did not want to do that. All he had to do was lift her chin like so, lean in and…and…

Even now, he could not kiss her. More specifically he was still frightened of what might occur if he did kiss her. It was too fast, it would ruin Xingcai's engagement and possibly ruin their relationship together. It was too much, too soon. Though Liu Shan was more confident than before, he was still too afraid to take the risk.

Liu Shan sighed, defeated, and settled his head on Xingcai's shoulder, his hand moving away from her cheek to brush aside the few beads on his crown threatening to tangle in Xingcai's hair. He held back the desire to nuzzle her delicate neck. Slowly his arms enclosed around her, loosely hugging her, holding her. His concentration went away from his muddled emotions to the physical properties of her. He concentrated on her chest rising and falling with every breath, the warmth of her skin from his touch and the scent of her hair. It distracted him. Calmed him down.

They stayed like this until nightfall, after which time they slowly descended the tree—Liu Shan first, and Xingcai second. Liu Shan offered her hand as she slowly descended and, though initially hesitant, accepted. Taking her hand at this moment felt less like helping a friend climb down a tree and felt more like he was asking her to dance at the ball. The way she gripped him, not firmly nor delicately. Liu Shan glanced at their hands. A perfect match, he thought.

"Want me to take you home, Xingcai?" Liu Shan asked.

Her eyes glinted in the night, wide and curious. Like this was the first time she had ever saw Liu Shan before. It was an epiphany. Her gaze was especially piercing but her words were soft. "If you would not mind, lord Liu Shan, I would be happy to have you accompany me home." Xingcai said.

Liu Shan laughed quietly, more to himself than anything Xingcai had said. Xingcai asked him what he was laughing at, trying not to laugh herself.

"It's nothing. I was just beginning to miss you calling me 'Liu Shan' already." He smiled at her. "I like it when you say my name without the title."

"But it is not proper to address the emperor by his name."

Liu Shan smirked. "Then I will make an official exception. 'Only the Empress and Xingcai may call the emperor by his given name'. How about that?"

The smile she made at that moment was unlike any he had ever seen. It was wide and proud, a touch embarrassed but sincere and genuine. He could feel the light of a thousand stars radiate from her. Liu Shan realized he'd never seen Xingcai smile as beautiful as she did right now. It was a smile only he and the heavens bore witness to. Liu Shan was happy with only the two of them knowing.

"Perhaps I will." Xingcai said.

Between her gorgeous smile and her hand interlocked with his and the comforting feel of her body in his embrace, he was content. This was enough, he told himself over and over again as his smile began to slip. Being by Xingcai's side as a friend had to be enough.

Xingcai being his friend even after she falls in love and she is married and they drift apart, that had to be enough.

 


	12. Young and restless

_What's up my people and welcome back to the Alphawave show and welcome to the ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF THIS FANFIC! *blows kazoo triumphantly* I cannot believe I managed to not only get to 12 chapters but actually have the patience to work on this story for a YEAR! I might actually get to the end of this! This is the OTP of all OTPs in my handbook and this ship and fanfic ain't dying.  
_

_As of this chapter, we just recently got the pics for DW9 Xingcai and HOT DAMN SHE LOOKS GOOD! Have you seen her hair? I have. It's beautiful. And fortunately (or perhaps unfortunately in our favourite emperor's case) the ass flap she calls a skirt is gone. Apparently not everybody likes the new outfit and I understand everybody is subject to their own opinions but personally I like her new outfit. If my theory is correct, some core elements of her outfit will match with Liu Shan so it's fun for me to imagine what he looks like. Hopefully his outfit is more DW8 than DW7 because I'm one of the few who is not as much of a fan of the fluffy coat._

_On a **VERY SERIOUS NOTE** , when I released my previous chapter on fanfiction(dot)net I had an anon send a review threatening to report me for something I had nothing to do with. I won't make any jokes here. I do not know what their deal is but I do not take kindly to threats, whether they be on me or on others. I do not mind if you do not like this story for whatever reason you may have but bullying is unacceptable. I may be able to walk away from this largely unaffected but I know there are others who could be very well affected by these attempts at threatening. If I ever find out who that anon is I will report them but until then, I am putting my foot down. I repeat: reviews expressing your dislike for the story are **perfectly fine** by me but any **bullying/threats** to me or anyone else will  **be reported.**   _

_I'm sorry to have had to end that on a depressing note for the few of you who do read these but I hope you enjoy yourself regardless. Remember kids: I don't own Dynasty Warriors, KoeiTecmo, or the stray cat that has somehow made friends with my neighbour's dog. I do own a nice pencil with 6B lead so that's nice._

Chapter 12: Young and restless

For three weeks Xingcai had been in a desperate attempt to find love and in her journey to find it, so many things had changed. Weapons and armour were replaced with makeup and pretty dresses, battles replaced with dates. She experienced the many sides of humans, relearnt the social protocols she had abandoned in her past in favour of combat, wooed the hearts of many men all in a span of weeks. But after all that she had done, Xingcai had not found a man she thought she could marry. That was, until now.

Even then, she was not sure how she felt about being in love with Liu Shan.

On one hand she felt relieved. After all, this was what she was looking for, a man she trusted and cared enough that she could fall in love with and marry. Liu Shan was slowly becoming stronger in both body and mind. With every passing day, she sunk further and further into his comfortable smile, safe and secure into the arms she trusted to catch her if she'd fall. Liu Shan was kind and gentle and if he held even a fraction of love for her, he would cherish her until the end of their days.

At the same time, however, it complicated matters greatly. Liu Shan made no indication before that he would be attending the betrothal party as a suitor. This meant two distinct possibilities: either Liu Shan held no interest in her, or he was too high ranking to marry someone of her social standing. And just because she knew she was attracted to Liu Shan did not mean she could shirk her responsibilities by refusing dates. For mother's sake more than anyone else, Xingcai had to behave under the pretense that she had not fallen in love yet. There will come a time where she must admit the truth to her mother and reveal her feelings for the emperor but for now, she must continue with the dates regardless.

Liu Shan was sitting beside her on the throne, Xingcai standing guard by his right. He tapped his foot impatiently as he waited for the Jin ambassadors to arrive, his left hand idly twirling around the strands of hair in front of his face. Xingcai noted his quiet musing, the vacant look in his eyes as he stared into the distance. Suddenly Liu Shan glanced right and their gaze met. A mischievous glint emerged from his eyes. "Checking me out, are you?" He smirked.

"A-absolutely not." Xingcai flushed, turning her head away with a huff.

This was the worst thing about these new feelings that have arisen. She could barely say anything before her cheeks started to burn and his form was ingrained into her thoughts. Interacting with him was awkward. Talking to him was almost impossible. The smile she once took comfort in held a different quality now. Sensuous and coy, it teased her as much as it allured her. Xingcai barely got any sleep last night because she could not get his soft voice and warm hands out of her mind, could not forget the look in his eyes when his hand caressed her cheek.

Xingcai shook her head in an attempt to remove Liu Shan from her thoughts, to little avail. The less she thought about Liu Shan and the look in his eyes and the meaning of her own feelings, the easier it will be to concentrate on her job today.

Today marked the arrival of the ambassadors from Jin. Their presence in the Shu court shortly after the departure of the Wei ambassador was by no means a coincidence. With supporters of the Cao family fighting the Sima clan, gaining the favour of either Wu or Shu would signal the start of the fighting between Wei and Jin. Despite Wu and Shu having an alliance, it was very likely that Wu would support the other faction should Shu announce their decision first on which clan they support. At least, that was the gist of what Liu Shan told her earlier that day, who in turn got a more complicated explanation from Zhuge Liang. Watching Liu Shan trying to comprehend Zhuge Liang's technical description of the conflict between Wei and Jin almost made Xingcai feel sorry for him.

Liu Shan sat on his throne, Xingcai standing guard by his right hand side, the throne room now finely decorated with the greatest of Shu's tapestries and art. In front of them, hundreds of nobles and servants and bodyguards stood in anticipation for the arrival of the ambassadors. Almost all of them looked sullen, their joyless, fearful faces made the room unnaturally quiet.

The ambassador was Sima Zhao; a man who had only recently began working in the service of his father and thus was shrouded in mystery. There was talk already about how he inherited his parents' ruthlessness. That he, like his brother, was smarter and more cunning than his father and that it was only Sima Zhao's lack of experience that prevented him from ascending the ranks quickly. Though they were only rumours, it was enough to make most of the Shu court nervous of his arrival. The fact that he was late only seemed to add tension in the air. His carriage had already arrived and he was seen departing from it. There was little reason for him to be this late.

"Do you think he is doing this on purpose, being so unpunctual?" Jiang Wei asked Liu Shan.

Liu Shan's foot stopped tapping. "If he is, then the rumours might have some weight after all."

"So you think they are true, my lord?"

"I do not know, Jiang Wei." Liu Shan replied. "I had similar gossip arise when I first ascended the throne, many of which was untrue. It is possible that these rumours are groundless and it is possible that many are manufactured, designed to bring fear and chaos into other's hearts. I will hold my judgment until I see him with my own eyes."

Jiang Wei smiled knowingly. "You get wiser every day, lord Liu Shan."

Liu Shan scoffed light-heartedly. "It is only common sense, Jiang Wei."

"Common sense is just another form of intellect, my lord." Xingcai added. "You are smarter than you give yourself credit for."

Liu Shan turned to her, a curious look in his eyes as he studied Xingcai as though it was their first meeting. "Perhaps so." He smirked.

Not a second later, before Xingcai could react, he turned to view the people waiting in front of him by the steps, his smirk fading into a softer, less-natural smile.

Xingcai knew she shouldn't get too excited but since yesterday she had begun to notice Liu Shan was behaving differently around her. Giving sneaky smiles, a surreptitious glint in his eyes, small gestures he did that seemed to be his way of signaling her what was in his mind. It was thrilling to be able to get a better glimpse into his mind but Xingcai was worried she might be overthinking things; the way he was behaving right now was just wishful thinking on her part. Once again she focused her attention to the people in front of her. She could not afford to be distracted. Not now, she thought.

When the fanfare began, the people instinctively backed away from the carpet. A servant in the turquoise colours of Jin arrived and bowed deeply. "The royal envoy of the kingdom of Jin, lord Sima Zhao. Accompanying him, his retainer, Wang Yuanji, and his advisor, Jia Chong."

For a few seconds, the three did not appear, leaving many—Xingcai herself included—intrigued. Then, Sima Zhao suddenly appeared, as though pushed from behind. Wide-eyed from surprise, he walked slowly, his retainers Wang Yuanji and Jia Chong appearing shortly afterwards, walking stoically beside him. All eyes were on Sima Zhao. Between his unruly appearance and the lazy way he walked, Xingcai had no doubt what was on everybody's mind. **This** was the son of Sima Yi?

When the Jin servants filed in and everybody was in position, now was the time for Liu Shan to signal them to speak. Before he could open his mouth, however, Sima Zhao hastily spoke. "Lord Liu Shan, we are grateful for you providing residence for me and my people. We…er…" He turned and whispered something to Wang Yuanji who, exasperated, whispered something back. "Oh right! Yeah, we the people of Jin thank you for your patronage and as thanks, would like to bestow you a…thing."

"Gift." Wang Yuanji whispered, this time loud enough for Xingcai to hear.

"Gift." He repeated. Jia Chong rolled his eyes in amusement.

With the present resting in Sima Zhao's arms, it was Xingcai's job as retainer to retrieve it and deliver it to Lord Liu Shan, which she did with the poise and respect necessary for the job. The present in her hand was unusually light for its size; it could not be gold or jewelry but something even lighter. Xingcai only had a second to ponder before she kneeled and handed the gift to Liu Shan.

Liu Shan smiled majestically as he gingerly opened the present before him. On sight of his gift however, his brows furrowed into confusion and outrage.

"What is the meaning of this?" Liu Shan cried.

Pulling it high up for everybody to see, Liu Shan revealed a scantily short woman's dress. It was gaudy, flower patterns woven unceremoniously into the print, bright hues of pink and green clashed in a chaotic way on this monstrosity of a dress. Chuckles were elicited from the crowd, dying down when Liu Shan glared daggers at Sima Zhao. All in the court knew: this was the ultimate insult to the leader of any nation, to give such a two-faced gift to a host for their hospitality. Xingcai was not completely surprised the Sima clan brought such a gift; it was the perfect way to intimidate and undermine Liu Shan. What did surprise her was the genuinely shocked look on Sima Zhao. He quickly raced up the stairs, grabbed the gift from out of Liu Shan's hands and raced down, handing the present to a servant. He whispered some orders before the servant bowed and exiting the room.

"Wrong gift, lord Liu Shan, sorry." Sima Zhao smiled nervously, akin to a child who was caught past his curfew.

The nobles had begun murmuring to themselves. Wang Yuanji whispered some irate words to Sima Zhao that appeared to be along the lines of "you should have checked which gift was which" to which he whispered his profuse apology, his hand rubbing the back of his head.

Sima Zhao was truly an idiot, Xingcai thought. Much more deserving of the title of 'fool' than Liu Shan ever did. Glancing at the emperor, his dark expression surprised her. Xingcai followed his gaze to Sima Zhao, who was continuing to apologise to Wang Yuanji. It was as if he was studying Sima Zhao, his eyes taking in every little detail. Liu Shan noticed something, Xingcai realized, but whatever he noticed she could not detect. She will have to ask him later, assuming she had the confidence to talk to him after yesterday's incident.

When the servant came back with a different present and Liu Shan was presented a set of the finest robes in Jin colours, Liu Shan approved of this gift, his expression relaxing back into a gentle smile. The party commenced shortly afterwards, music playing and servants canvassed the room with food on silver platters and for a moment, all in the room seemed to have forgotten the Jin lord's mistake. While she was perusing the banquet table, she felt Liu Shan tap her on the shoulder three times. A signal they had made long ago, a secret message to be used in the utmost discretion. _Follow me_. Liu Shan shortly afterwards made an excuse to settle his stomach for a bit to the nobles he was chatting to and Xingcai obligingly followed him outside. He led her through the corridors, past the bodyguards, and entered a random room. It was empty, there was no one here, and the echoes of the music made overhearing the two difficult at best. It was almost like Liu Shan was used to secret rendezvous like this, Xingcai thought.

"What do you think of Sima Zhao?" His voice was calm but his expression was solemn.

"Certainly nothing like the rumours. If he is trying to gain the loyalty of Shu then he is doing a poor job about it. Either he is a fool or he is playing a very complicated game."

"He was quick to take that dress off of me. I find that strange."

Xingcai tilted her head. "How so, my lord?"

"That means he knew what was in that present. Maybe he did not intend to give it to me like he claims but he knew he had two presents with two different items inside. And I don't know if you noticed but that dress was far too long." Liu Shan surmised. "If I didn't know better I would have sworn it was made for a man."

Xingcai was poker faced. It sounded ridiculous to think someone specifically made a dress for a man. "Do you really believe lord Sima Zhao made that dress just to intimidate you? So he was feigning surprise earlier?"

"Well I certainly don't believe you would gift someone such an ugly dress unless you intend to make a message. The question remains if I am the intended recipient or if someone else is. There is no way for either of us to know if his surprise was genuine or not."

Xingcai nodded. That certainly was the most logical answer. "So you are saying be careful around him?"

Liu Shan smiled sincerely. "I don't need to remind you to stay safe but just in case, keep an eye out. There's something… _off_ about him."

Liu Shan had made claims about his concerns about a person before but never so quickly. Something about Sima Zhao left an impression on him. It clearly bothered him. And if he had his concerns then she as his bodyguard must put his mind at ease. "I will be careful around him for your sake. But we should get back to the party, Liu Shan."

Liu Shan chuckled.

Xingcai's eyebrows furrowed. "What is so funny, my lord?"

"I am surprised, that is all." Liu Shan snickered. "I did not think you actually would call me by my name."

Too late Xingcai realized her error. She crossed her arms protectively over her chest. "Y-you said you preferred to be addressed that way. I am only following your wishes."

"Maybe, but I never said you HAD to. It was not an order."

It was true he did not order her to call him by his name. And if he were anyone but the emperor she would address him by his name. Truth be told she too liked the ring of his name, and she liked the feeling she felt when she said it. Liu Shan's face lit up like fireworks when she said his name, the smile he wore right now was incandescent. A thought goes into her head and a devious smile appeared across her face.

"Let's go back inside, _Liu Shan_." She teased.

Perhaps it was her imagination but it appeared as though Liu Shan's smile widened just a touch.

Since their departure, the party had become lively, no doubt in part due to the guests presence. Already the wine was overflowing and some were starting to suffer the effects of inebriation. People laughed and chatted and ate and yet despite all this there was a clear segregation of two groups: one belonging to Shu and one belonging to Jin. Only Sima Zhao and Wang Yuanji dared to interact with their Shu hosts, he speaking freely and with little restraint as he made joke after joke whilst Wang Yuanji beside him said nothing, giggling into her hand every now and then. The pale advisor known as Jia Chong stood at the edge of the room away from sight, nursing a cup of wine in his hand. His eyes caught Xingcai's and a sinister smirk arose as he rose his cup in a toast. Xingcai quickly turned her head away, repressing a shudder.

She followed Liu Shan as they began to weave their way through the crowd, Liu Shan slowly making his way to Sima Zhao and Wang Yuanji towards the center of the throne room. As they squeezed themselves through some partygoers their hands touch for the briefest of moments. White hot sparks shot up her arm, fading when his hand drifted away from her. It jumpstarted her heart, accelerating her pulse. What was this feeling?

"Lord Sima Zhao, Lady Wang Yuanji, I hope you are enjoying yourself thus far." Liu Shan crossed his arms behind himself.

Xingcai looked at his hands behind his back. She refrained herself from reaching out and touching his hand again, just to see if she would feel those sparks again. The feeling, however brief, was as intoxicating as the strongest wine.

Sima Zhao raised his glass to the pair. "Lord Liu Shan! Nice party you have here. I am a bit surprised though." He placed his hand on top of his head and then hovered it above Liu Shan. His hand was well above Liu Shan's crown. "You seemed an awful lot bigger when you were sitting down earlier. Look at you. You're so tiny..."

A few of the onlookers had begun to giggle amongst themselves. Liu Shan slowly grabbed Sima Zhao's hand and pushed it down, far far away from his head. "Y-yes, well…I guess one perk of being the emperor is that hats tend to give the illusion you are taller, huh."

"Never thought of it like that. Though it's nothing like my father's hats. I'm pretty sure they're as big as both our heads combined." He laughed. "Then again, knowing my father, the man is used to _overcompensating_."

Wang Yuanji elbowed him in the gut, eliciting a groan of pain from Sima Zhao. "That is rude, my lord. Please consider your words more carefully." She sighed as she turned to Liu Shan and Xingcai, ignoring Sima Zhao's whimpers. "I apologise for Lord Sima Zhao's behaviour. He seems to be of the opinion he can do or say anything he wants without repercussion."

"Oh, do not worry, it's fine." Xingcai turned to Liu Shan knowingly. "He is not the only man who behaves in such a way."

Liu Shan paled. "I-I am working on it. Honestly."

Sima Zhao rubbed the back of his head, his gaze still on Wang Yuanji. It was as if he had never been elbowed in the stomach before. "That's women for you, Lord Liu Shan. Always something to nitpick about."

"Only because men like you rarely listen, my lord." Wang Yuanji's expression softened slightly. "I only 'nitpick', as you so call it, because I know you are more capable than most. I do worry about you, you know."

For a split second, the corner of Sima Zhao's lips turned up. "Yeah, yeah. I know, Yuanji."

The servants retreated when the guests had had their fill of food and soon the music reached its sonorous peak. A few guests had begun to dance and make the way to the centre of the floor which had quickly become an improvised dance space. The four of them awkwardly sidestepped out of the way so that the dancers had their space. Xingcai glanced quickly towards the corner of the room where she last saw Jia Chong. The strategist may have already disappeared but the cutting look in his eyes still burned into her memory.

Sima Zhao said, "So anyway, I was curious about this for a while but…" He pointed at the pair. "You and lord Liu Shan are together, right?"

"No!" Liu Shan and Xingcai said simultaneously. The two of them turned to each other and immediately Xingcai could feel her face flush under his gaze. They did not really look like a couple. Did they?

"W-we're not like that at all." Xingcai said, desperately trying to hide her shame and embarrassment. "We're just friends. A-and I work for him. I-is that not right, my lord?"

"R-right!" He exclaimed too loudly. "Xingcai—I mean, lady Zhang Xingcai—she is my bodyguard and retainer and a dear friend of mine but we're certainly not that close."

Even though she expected Liu Shan to confirm they were only friends Xingcai still felt disappointed. They were just friends, she reaffirmed to herself, but she was already getting far too comfortable with the potential of being _closer_ to Liu Shan. She should not be so hung up over Liu Shan; she only just recently accepted that she was falling for him. Still his words hurt regardless.

Suddenly the sound of a yawn cuts through the air and Xingcai turned to the source. Sima Zhao, hand barely covering his yawning mouth, blinked several times. "Sorry about that," he tried to hide the second yawn but failed. "Your party is great and all but I think I am already getting tired. Would you happen to know where our rooms are?"

Wang Yuanji's brows drew together. "But you already had a nap in the carriage not even an hour ago."

"Travel tires a man. And I'm a man who needs his beauty sleep."

"I thought beauty sleep was for women only." Wang Yuanji added.

Sima Zhao scoffed playfully. "Clearly you haven't seen my face in the early morning then."

Liu Shan's polite smile returned, interjecting between the couple's banter. "I would be happy to get someone to guide you to your rooms but I am curious. I was sure the servants would have told you where you were staying here, did they not?"

"They did, they did, it's just those instructions were complicated." Sima Zhao gestured to the palace. "I mean, look at this place! This place is far bigger than the palace back home. I already had trouble finding the throne room. I'm gonna get myself lost if I don't have a guide."

"My lord, you probably should not have told them you got lost." Wang Yuanji added.

"Oh come on, you got lost too, Yuanji. Remember earlier? Just now when we were making our way here and I asked you where we had to go when I got lost, you too were clueless. Jia Chong had to tell us to follow the carpet to get here."

Wang Yuanji went scarlet. "It…it was not like that." She said more to herself than to anyone else.

"Either way, it would be awful nice if you could get someone to guide us to our quarters. I'm in due need for a mattress, some shade and a nap." Sima Zhao stretched his arms lazily behind his head.

A strange look flashed in Liu Shan's eyes, too quick for Xingcai to decipher its meaning. "Well if you really need some rest I suppose it would be quicker for me to take you there myself." Liu Shan said.

Wang Yuanji's eyes widened. "You would not mind? I apologise if we are inconveniencing you right now."

"It is fine, it is fine." Liu Shan handwaved. "I will be more than glad to help. Besides which, I think the party can handle itself, don't you think, Xingcai?"

All around them people were dancing and gliding across the floor, their worries elsewhere and far away. Some people by the sidelines chatted merrily to their loved ones, a cup of wine clutched in their grip, excitement and glee in their every expression. Liu Shan's eyes gleamed in the light and yet she saw a slight weariness in his expression. Liu Shan, it seemed, was tired of the party. "If we must leave, we shall. There will be plenty of other parties in the future after all." Xingcai smiled.

Wang Yuanji bowed. "Then we thank you for your kindness."

"Likewise," chimed Sima Zhao in a mock salute.

Exiting the throne room, the four navigated their way to the Eastern block. Most guests who visited the palace were located here for their stay partly because of the spectacular views of the palace from their rooms and partly because the Eastern block was as far away from the inner sanctum as possible. The palace was designed like a maze, all of the records and important materials being held in the twisting hallways of the inner sanctum, and though there was a shortcut, Xingcai made sure to gently guide Liu Shan away from the inner sanctum and through the longer, more scenic path through the hallways. As they walked, Liu Shan gave a brief tour guide of the various rooms and gardens that they passed, giving his own commentary as they went. Wang Yuanji was interested in the stories behind some of the more famous rooms of the palace but Sima Zhao was far more content in enjoying the view. Xingcai herself had heard the stories all too many times before but she still listened to Liu Shan talk. The passion in his voice gave the stories a celestial quality to them, ascending the mundane to heavenly heights.

Her hands hovered by Liu Shan's when they walked, always close by but never touching, and for far too long she was looking at them. If she were to touch his hand or grab it, perhaps she will feel the same sparks she felt earlier. She could just pretend to have tripped or accidentally bumped into him, something, anything at all to elicit contact. But alas, she could not bring herself to do such a selfish thing. Her insecurity of being caught by the Jin couple behind her prevented her from making her move. For once, Xingcai wanted to be alone with Liu Shan.

As they exited the hallways and passed through the gardens, Liu Shan quieted and Wang Yuanji and Sima Zhao began to talk to themselves. Trivial things they talked about, inconsequential, and yet despite this they were nevertheless absorbed in each other's words. The couple had quickly retreated into their own world. When Liu Shan attempt to tell another story, he had found that neither of the two seemed to react to his words. Xingcai thought this was the best opportunity to speak to him.

"I never got to ask how you have been, my lord. You must be tired after yesterday. Guan Ping told me that you were working quite hard with Jiang Wei and Guan Xing. And to think instead of resting you tried to do so much for me afterwards…"

"If I am being perfectly honest, Xingcai, I thought I would be tired after yesterday but…I'm not. I actually feel quite alright." Liu Shan said.

"That is surely a miracle." Xingcai commented. "Just imagining all the work you must have done, I would have been tired myself."

"Oh I doubt it. I am sure you could handle it far better than I ever could." Liu Shan smiled knowingly. "You are so much more capable than I am."

With the heat rising in her cheeks, Xingcai found it hard to argue back at her lord. "It still does not explain your quick recovery."

"I guess I slept quite well. A first time for everything I suppose."

As they walk the four of them walked past a large peach tree, planted there long ago by Liu Bei, Guan Yu, and Zhang Fei. He stared at the tree for a while before wrenching his head away. His smile slowly faded. "I must admit sleep is difficult for me. So many nights I am tossing and turning. I often end up waking in the middle of the night."

"But you nap so often, my lord. So many times in the past you would fall asleep in the middle of the day at the drop of a pin."

"Napping is easy because in the afternoon it is easy to lose yourself in your dreams. At night it is difficult to stop thinking. You think about how your day went and what went good and what went wrong and it makes you restless. Sleep eludes you." Liu Shan tried to hide a tired sigh and failed. "I must have been really tired to have just fallen asleep as I did."

Xingcai knew well how difficult it could be to sleep. Her mind had a penchant for recalling the horrors of battle while she laid herself down to sleep. The only truly peaceful sleep she's had was when she was in Liu Shan's arms back at Huiling. Looking at him now, she could just see faint dark circles under his eyes. Perhaps they both shared a fate of restless nights. "Sleep is elusive like that."

The four had exited the gardens and were now a short distance away from the Eastern block. Sima Zhao had stopped chatting with Wang Yuanji momentarily to tell Liu Shan where his room supposedly was before resuming his conversation with her. Xingcai could not understand the context of what they were talking about but catching a glimpse of their faces, their expressions were radiant. She found herself feeling envious for Wang Yuanji. Clearly her feelings for her lord were more than just friendly, and whatever those feelings were they were being reciprocated. To be in love so effortlessly. If only Xingcai had that luxury.

"About yesterday, Xingcai." Liu Shan said. "Were you serious about no longer needing my help with…you know what?"

Xingcai pouted. He was talking about the lessons. Trying not to let Sima Zhao or Wang Yuanji hear, she lowered her voice slightly. "I-I'm sorry about what I said. I was just so frustrated and I was worried I was relying on you too much." She rubbed her arms nervously. "If you do not wish to teach me any further that would be fine. You have done more than enough."

"Xingcai, you know I am more than happy to teach you. But I only will if you still want me to. I too don't want to burden you any more than I have to."

Xingcai sighed sadly. What fortune did she receive to earn such a kind lord? "Very well then. Would you be able to do a lesson today?"

Liu Shan's brows furrowed in thought. "Ordinarily I should be able to but since we have guests I might be asked to entertain them intermittently throughout the rest of the week. I probably only have time for our usual training today but after that I shall be busy."

"You will be alright for training then?"

Liu Shan nodded as he covered his yawn with his mouth. "Yeah." He replied. "I've got energy to spare."

As they passed by a window, light streaked onto Liu Shan's face, highlighting his drowsy expression. Xingcai couldn't help but feel worried. Whether it was for her sake or his own, Liu Shan was pushing himself harder but perhaps he might be pushing himself too hard, pushing his body to do things that he had never done before until only a few weeks ago—yesterday's gesture for her was a prime example of this. She knew her own limits and what her body was capable of but Liu Shan had yet to learn himself. And maybe, like his father before him, he had the capacity to burn out without even realizing it.

"You should rest, Lord Liu Shan." Xingcai said. "Perhaps you too should take a nap today."

Liu Shan sighed as if conflicted with what to do. "I shouldn't. You've been telling me off before for napping instead of doing my duties and it's not right to you or to anyone else who has to take over my responsibilities. I will rest when I have earned it."

Xingcai frowned. She could not fault his logic but her heart knew that he was not alright. "I know what I said in the past and I am grateful that youa re listening to me but this is different. Before, you would feign tiredness and make the most foolish excuses but for once in your life your fatigue is genuine and I…" She hesitated. Saying more might make all the feelings bubbling in her core come spilling out.

"Xingcai…" His eyes widened and yet his voice was soft. "If you're really that worried then…"

Liu Shan never got to finish his sentence as they suddenly found themselves beside the two guest rooms, their conversation lost to the wind. They watched as Sima Zhao eagerly slid open the door to inspect his room, looking to see what amenities he had at his disposal before giving a quick goodbye and closing the door. Wang Yuanji on the other hand merely peered into her room, observing her new surroundings for a moment before closing the door. She did not set even a foot inside.

"You are not going to stay in your room?" Liu Shan asked.

Wang Yuanji shook her head. "Unlike my lord, I do not have any desire to nap at this time of the day. I will just wander around a bit."

"Then I suggest taking my bodyguard with you. I wouldn't want any harm to come by you. At the very least, you will not be lost."

Xingcai turned to Liu Shan. "What about you, my lord?"

"I will take your advice and rest. If you are worried for my health then I should heed your advice."

"Alone?" Xingcai frowned.

Liu Shan gave a reassuring smile, putting a hand on her shoulder. "If I plan on going anywhere else today, I will call Jiang Wei or Guan Ping to accompany me. Do not worry about me. Take care of Lady Wang Yuanji for me."

Before he left, Xingcai had caught Liu Shan's gaze. The hints of a grin tugged on his lips and Xingcai was barely able to suppress a smile of her own. He walked away with the grace and majesty expected of a king who held the weight of the world on his shoulders.

If she was being completely honest, Xingcai was not entirely happy Liu Shan had roped her to accompany Wang Yuanji but she suppose this was an 'order', however indirect the order was given. Besides which, there was not much she could do anyway besides train. Liu Shan was no doubt heading to his private gardens or to his palacial suite to rest. An image of him peacefully napping by the usual tree in the garden, shaded by the leaves above, widened her smile.

"He truly is mysterious, your lord." Wang Yuanji commented.

Xingcai did not visibly react, afraid that Wang Yuanji was trying to rile an emotion out of her now that the two women were alone.

Wang Yuanji continued, "I never thought I would see someone so similar to my lord and yet so fundamentally different all the same. It's as if they are two lost souls, brothers in another life who had returned into the bodies of strangers."

Xingcai watched Liu Shan's back disappear into the distance. She remembered all those scars he had on him, still healing with time. She remembered the pain he hid behind his smiles. "Perhaps," Xingcai replied, "but nobody knows Lord Liu Shan better than I do."

Wang Yuanji declared her intent to chat to Xingcai privately so Xingcai decided the best place to talk was inside the pavilion in the old courtyard. It was the oldest pavilion and many legends had stated that back when Chengdu was originally built, this very pavilion was a watchpoint built for the detection of invaders and raiders. When the palace expanded, its original purpose was lost but had found sentimental value with the emperor of that time, who had decided to keep it. Whether the story was true or not, it was certainly not well maintained. Much of the wood was threatening to splinter or break under its own weight, parts of the roof were beginning to cave in on itself, and whatever was not broken was suffering the effects of rot. Before, people might have been wary of going inside it for fear of upsetting the old spirits who gave their life to build and protect this palace. Nowadays people did not go for fear it would fall apart if they were to step foot inside. For Xingcai's purposes, however, it was the perfect spot to talk away from everybody, only beaten in privacy by the storage room Liu Shan taught his courting lessons to her.

Briefly she wondered if Liu Shan truly heeded her words and rested. Liu Shan in his serene countenance was always saying he was tired but this was the first time he looked so physically drained. Even when they trained rarely did he put enough effort to make him genuinely tired. This was different, Xingcai mused, and she hoped she convinced Liu Shan to take better care of himself, at least for today.

Standing on the opposite side of the pavilion cautiously watching a piece of wood creak under the weight of her hand stood Wang Yuanji. She was already hesitant to enter the shambled structure. From the look of anxiety on her face, she looked as though she already regretted entering the pavilion. It was quickly apparent that the Wang Yuanji separate from Sima Zhao was a different person altogether from the one who stood by his side. When the two chatted both at the party and on the way to the rooms, she would smile and laugh warmly. In front of Xingcai she was like a doll, her mood unreadable and her eyes vacant, searching the world around her.

When Wang Yuanji finally turned to talk to Xingcai, her words were careful. Considered. "You are close to Lord Liu Shan."

Xingcai maintained an air of indifference despite the feelings of jealousy growing in the pit of her stomach. "It does not matter how close I am to him or not. My duty first and foremost is to the kingdom."

"That sounds like an excuse someone makes to hide themselves from the truth." Wang Yuanji remarked.

It probably was an excuse if she was being honest. If Xingcai had to choose between him and the kingdom, she would always choose to be by his side. Wang Yuanji was quick to see that her line of inquiry was not going to be answered. She quickly changed the subject to Xingcai's relief.

"May I ask you something then?"

"What do you want to know?" Xingcai asked.

"How are you able to get Lord Liu Shan to listen to you?"

Xingcai's eyebrows creased. "I'm sorry?"

"I'm sorry if I was prying but…I overheard some of your conversation. You told him he needed to go and rest and he obeyed you. Despite the fact you are woman and despite the fact he is your superior, he listened to you. Most men after a certain rank don't tend to listen to people."

Xingcai stared at her hands. They have clasped together when she was not paying attention. She imagined Liu Shan's powerful hands entwined in her own and it gave her strength. "My lord is not 'most men'. He is young for an emperor and he still has much to learn and it might be because of that that he is so eager to learn. He was not always like this however. I remember when he would skip out on his duties and be leisurely but I think now he has slowly begun to realize that the people by his side are here to help him and guide him, and that he must be strong to lead his people." A small smile appeared. "I work hard to help him. I am glad he is finally starting to see his potential."

"But if he was so prone to being 'leisurely' then how did you get him to work?" Wang Yuanji asked, leaning towards Xingcai eagerly.

Xingcai chuckled lightly. "You sound as though you are only hearing my story to help your means."

Wang Yuanji blushed. "I…may have a similar dilemma to what you had faced in the past, I must admit."

"Is it Lord Sima Zhao?"

Wang Yuanji crossed her arms, nodding slowly but saying nothing. It was too embarrassing for her to admit out loud.

Xingcai smiled to herself. "You question how close I am to my lord but I reckon the relationship between you and Lord Sima Zhao is far closer than you want me to believe." Xingcai approached Wang Yuanji. "You and your lord are romantically involved."

Wang Yuanji leaned over the rotting wood into the small pond beneath her. Fish swam effortless through the current, their colours of orange and gold striking against the black pond. Her face was serene. "If you must know the two of us are betrothed. Lord Sima Zhao is my fiancé."

"You are to marry Sima Zhao?" Was this something Xingcai should know?

"It is not like it is a guarded secret. Rumours will spread and everyone will know we will be wed in a few months time. In fact I bet right at this moment, my father and his mother are already going through all the wedding arrangements." Wang Yuanji sighed as she stared into the water. "There is little point in hiding my betrothal."

If Wang Yuanji's marriage to Sima Zhao was as big news as she made it sound, it only made Xingcai worry about her own imminent marriage. Was she also now famous for being an eligible woman to marry? Was this all that she was famous for now? It seemed a sad fate to just be known for your association to someone.

"Now you see why I ask you about your lord, Lady Zhang? If I must be Lord Sima Zhao's wife, it is imperative now more than ever that I should guide him into becoming more serious." She squirmed slightly. "I-I will not be bothered if you choose not to help me. I guess I just needed someone to talk to."

If there was anything Wang Yuanji and Sima Zhao had in common it was the fact that neither of them were particularly good at hiding their intentions. Xingcai leaned on the railing beside Wang Yuanji. "So you want me to tell you how to discipline your lord?"

Wang Yuanji nodded. "That would be helpful."

Xingcai pivoted so that one arm rested on the railing while the other was on her hip. "Then you must understand that men like them have been pampered all their life and they thrive on whatever attention they get. You have to be firm, strict, and unrelenting. He must know that you will punish him for not obeying and that you will not relent to his demands."

Xingcai thought of Liu Shan over the years. How unwilling he was to listen to her and how careless his actions had been. The smile that he showed her now, bright and earnest, was unlike any she showed others. Xingcai's expressions softened.

"At the same time however, you must be compassionate and caring." Xingcai spoke softly, afraid of being overheard despite knowing there was no one else around. "Being harsh will get him to obey you but it will not make him act for himself. Praising him when he has done well, supporting him when he has not, always being by his side through thick and thin, that is what changes a man. You have to show him how much you care. If he has any affection for you, he will change for you and maybe you too will change along your journey together. Sometimes you have to change yourself in order to change someone else."

Xingcai was no stranger to the meaning behind what she had said, she just did not understand fully until she had stopped speaking. Liu Shan had changed _for her_. It was a simple statement but one that she had never truly acknowledged until at this very moment. For so long she knew Liu Shan had admired her—he made no opportunity to hide it—and yet it was now that she understood that what Liu Shan was far more than just admiration. Was it love? Were the feelings she had only just discovered in herself somewhere deep inside him? The answer was still unclear but it brought Xingcai hope, for both a prosperous marriage and for a brighter future. Xingcai smiled to herself, shaking her head with a small laugh. Only Liu Shan could elicit such an emotion from her.

Wang Yuanji pondered beside her, looking into the waters below her. While staring, she uttered, "Thank you."

Xingcai turned to Wang Yuanji, still smiling. "Why are you thanking me?"

"Your advice is quite helpful, it has given me a lot to think about. So much in fact that I think I must go and ponder on your words, perhaps explore the palace a bit too."

"Do you wish for me to accompany you?"

"No, I think I will be fine on my own." Turning her head back down to the pond below, avoiding eye contact, Wang Yuanji added. "It's…best if I go by myself.

Xingcai nodded. These things needed to be considered alone. "Tread carefully then. Take care not to get lost."

"I will, thank you." Wang Yuanji bowed politely.

As Wang Yuanji exited the pavilion, she stopped to gaze at the pond. Her hand went to gently pick a lily flower by the shore, still blooming, and held it close to her chest. From the pavilion where Xingcai stood, her body leaning on the deteriorating railing, Wang Yuanji was every bit as picturesque and composed as a noblewoman could be, reminding Xingcai that this was the woman she wanted to be when she was younger. So much of Wang Yuanji reminded Xingcai of her sister. Perhaps their lords were not the only lost souls that were related to each other.

* * *

 

Whenever Xingcai felt particularly energetic, she went to the practice grounds and trained. Training was her release and with everything she had been doing as of late, she had been missing out on her own personal training. Maybe now she could finally get a good sweat in and work on her problem areas, give her some alone time to consider her true feelings for her lord. This training session however only brought to the surface the feeling that Xingcai was powerless. With every punch and kick she unleashed an explosion of power. With every labored breath she took she succumbed herself to ennui.

Her problem areas when it came to combat, she knew since childhood, were always speed and stamina—in other words, the complete opposite to Liu Shan's problems. The irony was not lost on her and she suppose that was why she was initially chosen to train Liu Shan but it also meant that she had less time to work on her own struggles. Xingcai was fast but there were men who were faster—Liu Shan included. Her every action had to be carefully managed to avoid long confrontations and yet there were many soldiers who could swing their sword around haphazardly without breaking a sweat. Hard work and dedication got her to improve her weak points but never before did she feel so weak. She needed to be faster, stronger, better.

She trained for a long time and when she stopped to take a break, Xingcai was still not satisfied. Her body ached and doing more will make her sluggish tomorrow but she needed to do more. In her mind she saw Liu Shan holding his rapier, training in secrecy in the gardens. The image metamorphosed to her sister's tomb and the controlled rage in his moves as he cut down man after man.

Walking over to a training dummy, sword in hand, she sized up her opponent. It was straw, crudely made but relatively sturdy. Numerous cuts and stab wounds littered the dummy but the dummy did not lose shape. It was well made to have lasted so long under Xingcai's sword. A pity that by the end of this session that this training dummy will be ruined by her hand.

She started with the basics: 7 cuts through the main angles and one thrust, she practiced these in a cycle. With every round, she changed her footwork or switched hands—Xingcai knew the best swordsman could fight from any position. With each cycle, she tried to speed herself up, a little stronger, a little faster. Her arms were already starting to burn after the fourth cycle and she could feel herself slowing down but she had to push on, she could not will herself to stop. Taking a break now means she was too weak. And for her lord, the lord that might possibly like her, for him to see she might be weak…

"Urgh!" Xingcai dropped her sword in frustration, her face scrunched up and her fists balled up. She had only gone halfway through the sixth cycle. What was wrong with her? She could do so much better than this before.

"Need some help?" Guan Ping leaned on a pillar from the corner of her eye.

Xingcai willed herself to unfurl her fists. She should not show Guan Ping any more frustration. Forcing a calm voice, Xingcai said, "If you don't mind," She gestured at a rack of wooden swords.

"The usual spar?"

"Why not? Just give me a few minutes while I rest. I wouldn't want to be at an unfair disadvantage."

Guan Ping laughed. "You say that as though you're not better than me, Xingcai."

Guan Ping slowly walked up to the weapons rack, his hands stroking an imaginary beard as he perused the selection. Xingcai used her break to grab her water canteen and take a drink. When she stopped to take a breath, half of the contents were already gone. Xingcai frowned. It was never a good sign for her to drink so much so quickly.

"Hey, should I get the usual sword or should I try something different?"

Xingcai peered over her shoulder to see Guan Ping observing two different swords in his hands. On one hand was a typical practice _Jian_ sword. Though worn from use Guan Ping was certainly more familiar with using it, even if it was a bit too light for his strength. In his other hand he held a double-handed _Jian_. It was of a darker colour—possibly a harder wood like oak though Xingcai could not tell from this distance—and clearly of a better quality. Most likely it was another general's personalized practice sword but by chance he had left it behind because Xingcai could not foresee anyone leaving behind such a precious weapon. It was definitely heavier and slower, but it was more akin to a great sword, of which Guan Ping was second to none when wielding.

Xingcai could not decide for him though. Either way, he was going to lose. "Just choose whichever you prefer."

Guan Ping looked at the two swords, shrugged, and then placed the double-handed sword back. When Xingcai questioned him about the choice, he cryptically replied, "Against you, power is a fruitless endeavor." He raised his weapon towards Xingcai. "Ready when you are."

Xingcai got herself into a fighting position, her footwork meticulously placed and her sword firm yet relaxed in her grip. Her arms still ached from her previous training but she willed herself to ignore the pain. "Ready." Xingcai replied.

Guan Ping grinned eagerly as his feet slid into position underneath him, creating a small cloud of dust. Xingcai blinked and his smile was gone, replaced with intense concentration. His relaxed stance was not firm, his eyes merciless. The battle had begun.

The two walked in a circle, staring the opponent down, their gaze unwavering. The first strike, the childhood friends knew, dictated the outcome of the battle. She could feel Guan Ping's eyes bore into her, searching for something, a flash, a signal, a sign, but Xingcai betrayed no emotion. Guan Ping on the other hand was predictable. From her experience, he always initiated the attack.

Xingcai saw Guan Ping's hand twitch before he suddenly lunged at Xingcai with an overhead cut. She easily sidestepped the attack and countered with a jab to his left side. Guan Ping was barely able to block it.

"Hey!" Guan Ping exclaimed in surprise.

"Don't make this too easy for me, Guan Ping." Xingcai quipped.

Guan Ping grunted. Quickly he closed the distance, his sword cutting left, right, left. Xingcai blocked all three with ease, parrying the third with a riposte. Guan Ping sidestepped and returned with a slash but it was wide and Xingcai dodged it, creating some distance between them once more.

"You always make spars look easy, Xingcai."

Xingcai ignored his comment. "You're supposed to psyche your opponent out, not praise them." Xingcai gestured to Guan Ping with her sword. "Come and try again."

Reinvigorated, Guan Ping raced towards her and unleashed a barrage of attacks. Xingcai dodged them, only blocking with her sword when dodging was otherwise impossible. She could telegraph his movements so easily now, as though he was moving in slow motion. Guan Ping was strong yet predictable. Maybe she sparred with him too many times because for the first time in her life she was getting bored of battling him.

Their blades clashed for a brief second, wood against wood, steely gaze upon steely gaze. Xingcai needed to end this quickly so she jumped back, leaving an astonished Guan Ping tripping forward. A quick tap on his back with the pommel of her sword and Guan Ping was on the ground. Xingcai had won.

"Not again," Guan Ping moaned from the ground.

Xingcai stifled a chuckle. "You did fine, Guan Ping." She gave her hand to Guan Ping. He took it and quickly rose to stand. "Just remember to watch your technique a little. It is easy to telegraph you."

"Figures I'd do that again," Guan Ping patted the dust off himself. "Best out of three like usual?"

Xingcai felt no desire to continue on today though whether it was from tiredness or boredom she could not decide. It was as if the will to fight had left her at that moment. "Sorry, Guan Ping. I think I should stop here for today."

"Not feeling up to it?"

"I think I've gotten a bit soft from having to go to all these dates." Xingcai admitted. "Or perhaps I've gotten too used to training with Lord Liu Shan. He's been improving a lot lately."

Guan Ping stared at the sword at his side, as if the wooden object could give him guidance. "Lord Liu Shan is certainly stronger than he'd have us both think."

Sparring with Guan Ping had made her miss the spars she had with Liu Shan, though she would never admit it to Guan Ping's face. Her lord may lack the strength of a soldier but recently he had made up for it with lightning quick reflexes. With each spar, Xingcai was forced to rely more and more on her instincts as a warrior, her own reflexes sharpening with every victory. She would never admit this to anyone but there had been a growing number of close calls where Liu Shan almost won. He was rapidly gaining ground while she remained stagnant. If only she could train more and spar instead of wearing pretty dresses and listen to men talk all day.

"I assume you saw the Jin ambassador, right?" Guan Ping asked curiously. "I hope to the heavens themselves you don't have ANOTHER suitor to worry about. Zhu Ling was plenty to handle already."

Xingcai chuckled cordially. "Fortunately, Lord Sima Zhao seems to be interested in other things."

"Like with what?"

"Would you believe napping?" Xingcai scoffed. "For a son of Sima Yi, he sure is nothing like his father."

"He sounds no better than Lord Liu Shan—" Xingcai glowered at Guan Ping. "—W-was. I meant to say he sounds no better than Lord Liu Shan was in the past. We both know he's gotten better now."

Somewhat satisfied with the answer Xingcai replied, "I will admit there are more than a few passing resemblances between Lord Liu Shan and Lord Sima Zhao. Both are lazy and do whatever they want with a lack of regard for others but my lord has changed. He is maturing into someone ready to lead this nation. I already owed him my gratitude countless times over. Now I owe him my life."

Guan Ping frowned, suddenly uncomfortable with the subject matter. His hands went up to his head, redoing the knot that kept his headband, now imbedded with sweat, on his head.

Xingcai pursed her lips. She did not want to make Guan Ping feel awkward. "I'm sorry if I've been complaining a lot recently, it is rude of me. I've been talking about myself and I did not ask you about yourself. How have you been as of late?"

The corners of Guan Ping's lips turned up, relief flooding into his expression. "Well if you must know, I've had to help organize the new patrol patterns in light of our Jin guests. A lot of them are rookies so they're pretty nervous but they should be fine. I've allocated most of them to maintain the city border and patrolling the town. The veterans and the royal guards should be plenty to guard the palace itself." Guan Ping grinned. "This is only like—what, my third time in charge of security—but I think I'm doing well. If the rest of this week goes by without a fuss I might even get a promotion."

Xingcai smiled. "With you in charge of our security, we are certainly safe from attack. You will be a great role model for the soldiers."

The two of them slowly began to tidy up the area, first putting away the weapons they were holding before together lifting the now-broken training dummy to the side, away from the combat area. Before long the training area was reasonably clean, not that either of them expected anyone to come train here today. Xingcai took a glimpse of Guan Ping fidgeting on the spot, as though suddenly nervous, . Whatever he was thinking of clearly took a lot of concentration. "Xingcai?" Guan Ping asked after a long silence.

"Yes?"

Guan Ping tugged once more at his collar. "I never got to ask because I was afraid this might be not be polite but…what's going to happen if you don't find someone you like before the betrothal party?"

Xingcai gazed to the ground. "It would not be ideal but I will have to pick a suitor regardless. If I am lucky, I can find a way to end the betrothal. If I am bestowed a miracle, maybe I will fall in love with that man."

"Don't say that," Guan Ping murmured. "Maybe that man truly does love you and maybe you do fall for him. You could have everything you have ever wanted."

"I don't know about that. It did not go that well for Lord Liu Shan."

Guan Ping's fist clenched in his hands, the words triggering an explosive reaction in him. "Well surely not everything the emperor does is gospel. He does not know everything there is to this world!" Anger slowly drained into despondency, the creases of his forehead slowly disappearing, leaving behind a sorrowful frown. "He may be the one beneath heaven but he lives in a different world from us. He lives in luxury and decadence, servants take care of his every need and whim. Surely the struggles in such a higher reality are much more different than the ones we suffer."

Xingcai studied Guan Ping and everything in her body wanted her to believe his words but she knew that she couldn't. Some struggles were different but no matter man or animal, emperors or peasants, problems of the heart were universal. There was regret in her lord's voice, echoing in her mind, of a man who felt he betrayed the one person who loved him. If he were anyone else, his pain would not be lessened. Guan Ping wouldn't understand that. As much as he criticized Liu Shan's actions, Xingcai knew Guan Ping respected him far more than he let on, and that meant that he would never see Liu Shan for anything more than he already was.

Xingcai looked down to see that Guan Ping's fist was still clenched. She placed a hand on his arm and almost immediately his grip loosened.

Guan Ping said. "I don't want to see you end up with someone you do not love. I don't want to see you marry into a family you despise."

"I know, Guan Ping. I know."

Guan Ping swatted her hand away, as if her touch pained him. "You say that but even I admit to being nervous. You've made no indication you've found anyone suitable and I get worried, you know? What's going to happen on that day? What will you do?"

"I-I will find someone." Xingcai stammered.

"And what if you don't?"

Xingcai's mouth was agape for what felt like the longest time until she could not hold it any longer, her jaw clenching tight. She had an answer, or at least she thought she had an answer. But…what was she going to do? There was no way Liu Shan would be given the opportunity to marry her, she was a warrior and he was a lord. Her sister at least had the training to become an empress but Xingcai, all she knew was combat. Could she really become the wife of an emperor? Will the ministers even allow him to be at the betrothal party?

"Well, Xingcai?"

Xingcai stared blankly at the barren courtyard. Desolate, lifeless, monotonous, suddenly she was aware of the stillness in the air and the emptiness of the space around her. "If I must marry someone, then it must be someone I trust." Her eyes locked onto Guan Ping's. She hoped this was the right decision. "If I cannot find a suitor to marry then…I will just have to marry a friend."

Guan Ping's eyes slowly widened. "A-are you suggesting…"

Xingcai nodded. "This is a last resort but yes, Guan Ping. If there is no one that takes my interest and I can no longer run away from marriage, I won't be against marrying you."

His hands went up to his face, his body quivered with bewilderment. "I-I don't know what to say, Xingcai. I-I-I mean this is a p-pretty big deal! Are you really sure about this?"

"You have been my friend since childhood and we have experienced many so much together." Xingcai extended her hand to Guan Ping. "This is selfish but I trust no one else more than you. If you will let me, if that time should ever come, will you help me?"

With clammy hands, Guan Ping quickly shook her hand. "I-I-I won't let you down." A nervous smile gleamed in the light. He looked unusually excited considering the news.

"I know this is not ideal, Guan Ping. I know you still have feelings for that girl."

He flinched. "I…really need to tell her, don't I? T-the girl I like, that is."

Xingcai tilted her head. "Perhaps you should do it soon, then. Better to confess your feelings now than wait too long and never get the chance."

Xingcai walked towards the edge of the courtyard where her water canteen stood and took a huge gulp. Her breath shook as she inhaled but willed it to still as she exhaled deeply. It was nerve-wrecking to say what she had earlier said but she was glad she had an emergency plan if things did not go well. A marriage with Guan Ping would probably be no better than Liu Shan's marriage with her sister but at least she could trust Guan Ping enough to care for her and provide for her family. No, it was good. This was a plan she should have implemented a long time ago. Guan Ping was her closest friend and she could trust him to take care of her if that time comes.

As she said her farewells and walked away from the courtyard, she could barely hear Guan Ping mumble "Better than nothing" over and over to himself: a new mantra to guide him in uncertainty.

* * *

 

Xingcai was going the wrong direction. She knew home was the other way and she knew her mother would be worried if she came too late today—normally she would be back by now. And yet Xingcai found herself wandering into the royal gardens, her hair messy and her appearance far from proper and orderly. There was a compulsion in her to walk here and she would like to pretend she knew not the reasons why she has decided to take a stroll through the flora but she knew all too well why. Liu Shan was here. She could sense it, a feeling in her gut that told her he was here. Xingcai had to talk to him. She needed to tell him her feelings now, before the time is up and romance became too complicated.

The gravel underneath crunched with every step yet the flowers framing the path paid it no heed, swaying to the wind's silent song. Birds chirped quietly above as they made their way home. Xingcai continued through the path one slow step at a time, her thoughts going through every possible wrong outcome that she could make but she reminded herself over and over that it would go alright. She already had made a plan on what to do, what to say, what to expect. Everything should be fine.

It was from talking to Wang Yuanji and Guan Ping that told her that what she felt should not be a secret. Even if it was fleeting, even if the two of them were not meant to be, she could not keep her feelings bottled up and wait like a damsel in distress for Liu Shan to make a move. She will confess, as nonchalantly as possible, and Xingcai can move on with life. She was almost certain he will say no but at least she will come clean and for once in these chaotic few weeks, life could become easier. Confessing should make it easy. There was no other way.

She found her emperor asleep under the shade of a tall tree at the centre of the gardens, just as she suspected. He lied asleep, back propped up by the tree, a hand on the grass below and the other over his chest. Her eyes were fixated on the rise and fall of his chest, up and then down. His crown was by his hip, leaving the loose and messy bun Xingcai had become rather fond of visible once more. Sound asleep, Liu Shan's face was serene. Peaceful.

Xingcai giggled quietly as strands of his hair embedded themselves on his upper lip, giving the emperor the appearance of a pencil thin moustache. She knelt down beside him, stifling another giggle as she gently guided the strands back to their natural place, taking care not to actually touch his skin. Making physical contact, she thought, would surely wake him. It did not however stop her from playing with his hair lightly, the ebony strands twirling around her finger before releasing like a spring. Her finger glided under the strands, pulling them away from his face and releasing, gently cascading down at its own leisurely pace. His hair was soft and it fueled her guilty pleasure in playing with it.

When she tired herself of playing with the strands of hair in front of Liu Shan's face she turned her attention to the bun on top of his head. Come to think of it, she never saw his hair down. It was not like it was improper, Liu Shan could wear other hats that would allow him to wear his hair down and yet he chose not to for some reason. She could see the red hair tie he wore, loose and barely keeping his hair together, just a small tug away from seeing the emperor's hair in its splendor. It tempted her, teased her, but Xingcai made no attempt to undo it. How was she to explain herself if he woke up?

"You probably would look good with your hair down." Xingcai whispered.

The sleeping Liu Shan did not respond.

With a sigh, she leaned back on the tree herself, head turned skywards, watching the light dance through the leaves above. She could see why Liu Shan liked to nap here. Nobody really came here. It was quiet, solitary, and the shade blocked out the sun from your eyes. Here was a place you could rest undisturbed but for her, it was Liu Shan's presence that was the true calming influence in these idyllic gardens. With him by her side, she too could feel the draw of sleep here.

But Xingcai stayed awake and waited for her lord to stir, distracting herself with the falling leaves floating in the air. As she watched the world in front of her she grew faintly aware of a pressure on her shoulder. Liu Shan laid his head on her shoulder, his breath faint but warm, his expression dreamlike if squished slightly due to the angle his head had taken. This was already a breach of conduct, allowing her lord to sleep so intimately close to her—not that she'd already broken that rule a couple of days ago—but this was public. Anyone could come here. Xingcai would not deny there was something rather _nice_ about having her lord so close, the warmth he generated was always welcome. His hand on the grass, between their bodies, was prone and so very close. Her hand tentatively reached for his and she was met with such gratifying electricity, a current so strong it shot up her arm before going down her spine and fading deep in her stomach. A small smile crept up on Xingcai's face. Perhaps it would be better to just pretend she did not notice him at all.

A moment later, Liu Shan shifted suddenly in his slumber, his head violently moving left and right in an effort to rouse himself from his sleep. He blinked groggily as he lifted his head off Xingcai's shoulder.

Xingcai retracted her hand with a jolt. "My lord! You are awake." Xingcai tried to hide the disappointment in her voice.

Liu Shan rubbed the sand from his eyes. "Xingcai…? What time is it?"

"It's afternoon. You've been asleep maybe two hours, possibly three."

Liu Shan nodded weakly. Both of his arms were held over his head and stretched. Two small pops could be heard. "But what are you doing here?"

"I've been waiting for you."

His arms plop down beside him. "Then why are you waiting for me?"

"I needed to talk." She tried to keep her tone as matter-of-fact as she could muster.

Liu Shan shook his head. "No but you never wait for me. When you find me napping, you always wake me up. You've never just…waited for me." Liu Shan bit his lip as a thought entered his head. "Have I kept you waiting very long?"

Xingcai gave a soft reassuring smile. "Only a few minutes. Not long at all." She lied.

Liu Shan nodded as though the answer should have been obvious from the start. "Right. I suppose that makes sense."

A leaf fell on Xingcai's lap and she brushed it aside, leading to Liu Shan to brush his clothes off with his hands albeit in a more hectic pace. When he was done, Liu Shan smiled sheepishly at her. Xingcai giggled. Though it was a short nap he already appeared rejuvenated slightly, his smile more relaxed. Xingcai herself could not help but smile slightly at his bright countenance. There was a charm to his smile unlike any other.

"So is there anything urgent? Am I needed somewhere?" Liu Shan asked.

"Nothing of the sort. I just…found you." Xingcai just hoped she sounded convincing enough.

Liu Shan smirked knowingly. "So it is merely a coincidence that you are here? In the middle of the royal gardens at what must be mid-afternoon, just before training?"

Xingcai paused. When he put it like that, her excuse did not sound very convincing at all. "…I may have been waiting for an opportune time to talk to you privately." Xingcai admitted with a blush. "It's not something I want to talk about in public."

Liu Shan laughed, warm and heartily. "And here I thought someone for once was seeking me out because of my good looks."

Xingcai's blush reddened at the comment. Liu Shan may be critical about his own appearance but the more she looked at him, the more she realized that he was indeed a striking man, if in an unconventional way. _Better to confess your feelings now_ , her own words rung in her head.

Xingcai turned her head away from Liu Shan. "I really do need to talk to you, my lord. It's…not that important, I admit, but I need you to hear it."

"Your brother said something very similar." Liu Shan remarked. "Do go on."

Xingcai shifted uncomfortably. She had words prepared but for the life of her she could not remember what to say. Her throat suddenly felt parched and she gulped in order to relieve her of some of the discomfort. "Are you…going to attend my betrothal party?"

"Me?" He rubbed the back of his head, just a bit to the side of his hair bun. "Surely it would not be good if I was there. I'd take all the attention away from your special day."

"Come now, that will not happen."

"It is not just that, Xingcai. If I were to arrive, people will assume I am there as your suitor. We make no secret that we are on friendly terms with one another; people who do not know better will think I am after your hand in marriage. And I realize it is foolish to listen to what others think of you but I do not want to give that impression." Liu Shan paused before adding, "I won't be surprised if your mother already thinks I am romantically interested in you."

It disheartened Xingcai to hear him say he was not interested, she had hoped that he would be there at least to impart some guidance before she made the biggest decision of her life. "Is the idea of being married to me that repulsive?" She asked, her tone bitter.

Liu Shan's eyes widened, incredulous. "No! No, I—" He sighed, his cheeks burning with shame. "Let me rephrase that. It's not that I don't find marriage with you appealing, it's just…I do not deserve anyone as magnificent as you, Xingcai. You should be married to someone who deserves you."

The cheerful thrill Xingcai felt from his compliment was eclipsed by the mournful self-depreciatory tone in his voice. He was growing more confident, that may be, but sometimes comments like that saddened her. It reminded her that the potential she saw in Liu Shan could be wasted, swallowed by the guilt he had created for himself.

"I assume you have a reason to ask me about the betrothal. Is there something I should know?" Liu Shan asked.

Her head turned to the gardens. The flowers always looked so full of life and yet just like her, they were constrained by their roots. Whatever confidence she had had suddenly left her. "I mentioned yesterday there…might be someone I was interested in."

Liu Shan's face sunk. "I remember." He muttered.

Xingcai raised an eyebrow but continued on despite the doubts growing in her heart. "W-well I was thinking of maybe confessing to him. See where things lead. And so I wanted to ask you, well…" Her hand went up to cover her now burning cheeks. "…What should I do?"

Liu Shan stared at his feet. His face was cold and impassive as he thought. "I'm assuming you must feel strongly about him. He must be someone special to have captured your interest." He turned to her. "What is he like?"

She stared unwaveringly at the flowers ahead of her. If she dared look into his eyes, she was almost certain he would know she was talking about him. "He's different. Or at least, around me he is different. It's like looking at two different souls in one body and one of them emerges for my eyes only. The soul I see—the one only I can see—is cunning, and brave, and kind. When I am around him, I feel happier. More open to my feelings."

"Handsome?"

Xingcai paused. "His appearance wasn't what attracted me to him initially but I suppose you could say he is handsome." She confessed.

"He sounds perfect." Liu Shan remarked dejectedly. Was he…jealous? Xingcai turned to look at Liu Shan staring at the ground. He bit back a jealous flush but his face contorted into his true displeasure regardless. She felt oddly happy for someone who just found out that Liu Shan was capable of jealousy.

"No one is perfect, Lord Liu Shan," Xingcai said. "Every man has faults that they must conquer. It's what you do with your faults that define you as a person. That man has changed himself to conquer his faults. I feel like with him by his side, he can help me conquer my own faults too."

It felt so weird to admit it when she was talking about him and yet it felt so liberating at the same time. This was not the confession she wanted but maybe for today, this was enough. The real confession could be done later. Her chance to confess today was already gone.

"You really like this man." Liu Shan concluded.

Xingcai bashfully moved a hair strand away from her face. "W-what makes you say that?"

"When you talk about him your eyes light up. You talk of a spark and I see it in your eyes. You're always so distant to everybody, so rare to compliment someone and yet you have no doubt, no hesitation in your voice right now."

"But I have complimented you in the past, my lord." She stated.

"I-I don't count, surely." Liu Shan said quickly. "All I am saying is if you are waiting for some true love to sweep you off your feet and take you to the happy marriage you want, this man is it. And if you are thinking of courtship then it is best to do it now, before the betrothal party."

Xingcai nodded slowly. It was an unpleasant truth to hear and only added to the nervousness she felt. "I guess I should." Xingcai said more to herself than to him.

The two sat there watching the world revolve on its axis. The clouds above them shifted in shape, morphing with the wind. They were a reminder to Xingcai of the duality of man, how a cloud can both bring relief to the flowers and chaos with the floods, how mankind could be so kind yet cruel. Liu Shan however was invested in making out shapes in their ever-changing form, trying to get Xingcai to spot what he was describing. It was not difficult to find but provided some entertainment.

After some time, the two of them stood up and walked into the training grounds. The exchange between them was telepathic, wordless. A small nod from Liu Shan was all the confirmation Xingcai needed. It was just as grey and dull as it looked when she left but with Liu Shan around, a bit of life seemed to spill back into it. The two of them grabbed a practice sword each. Liu Shan swung his sword experimentally. Xingcai's training earlier today had already given her plenty a feel for her sword so she instead watched Liu Shan warm up. He, seemingly satisfied with the weapon, approached the centre where she stood waiting.

"So what is it this time?" He asked eagerly. It was hard now to imagine that this was the same man who just weeks earlier would use the most inane excuses to get out of training.

Despite her arms and legs still feeling the fatigue from her earlier spar with Guan Ping, Xingcai couldn't help but feel a little bit excited. Sparring with Liu Shan was always entertaining. "Fortunately for you, we're only doing a few sparring rounds today. Take into account my current fatigue today and this might hopefully even the odds for you."

Liu Shan snorted, "Do not bring my hopes up. You could be missing an arm and leg and you would still win against me." He waved his sword lazily before getting into fighting position. A cocky smile came up on his face. "Shall we dance, my lady?"

Xingcai giggled behind her hand before taking a position of her own. "We shall, Liu Shan. We shall."

In the ensuing skirmishes, their bodies danced around each other, their blades playing with their opponent, teasing their way through whatever opening they had. They would be far, then, in a flash so awfully close. They jump, dodge, and spin with grace, following an unspoken choreography. The battle was no longer a test of strength but a waltz in tune to the rhythm of clashing blades and their own beating hearts, a dance born from sweat and blood. Their blades locked together, faces drawn closer, their cheeks burned with heat and passion. Despite the chaos of battle, Xingcai's eyes stay focused on Liu Shan's and suddenly the world seemed to slow to a crawl. Fire smoked in his irises, the corners of his lips breaking into a smile. She was drawn in, mentally, physically, a small laugh creeping out from deep within her. A part wished she could remained locked in this position with Liu Shan forever, she could look into his mesmerizing eyes forever. Soon she is trapped in her own world, the only other occupant being Liu Shan, smiling broadly at her.

Their blades stay locked in place, the two frozen in their own world. Neither noticed Guan Ping watching in the shadows, a frown forever stricken on his face. The bodyguard and the emperor were drowning in each other's eyes, their bodies gliding around each other for a performance meant just for the two of them.


	13. Light and heat

_Hello hello everybody. I knew this chapter would take a long time but I didn't expect it to take two months. Life has a way of getting in the way of things like fanfiction and stuff like that but this chapter is much longer so hopefully that makes up for it. Also my schedule is clearing up so I should update more during the upcoming holiday period...that's one month compared to two months for the people keeping track of my update rate._

_Now onto my favourite piece of DW news: LIU SHAN IS NOW OFFICIALLY HOT EVERYBODY! Even I, the unabashed Liu Shan fan that I am, had found his clothing to be cool but, like, not at 100% cool so I AM SUPER DUPER HAPPY I HAVE BEEN FANGIRLING OVER HIS NEW DUDS FOR LIKE 2 DAYS ALREADY! I was so tempted, SO so tempted to change the story to reflect the new wardrobe, but I did not. Because I am lazy. And that sounds like too much work for lil' ol' me. I'd put a link to a picture but seriously you just gotta google search his name and you'll find it so I won't do that. Just know that he is SEXY now and that this author with two thumbs (not pictured) can now die happily._

_I'll try not to go into another rant about Liu Shan's new clothes (because trust me, I already did that on tumblr) so I'd just like to say thanks to all of you guys for sticking around for as long as you have. I know this is not the most popular ship nor am I the best or most experienced author out there but I put a lot of heart and soul into this fanfiction so that maybe, just maybe, I can convince some people to like the ship and/or appreciate Liu Shan more. It's not the easiest thing out there to write fics about couples that aren't in the mainstream within their fandom, even less if one of the characters has such a dividing opinion in the fandom as Liu Shan does, but it's really rewarding to hear that I'm not the ONLY one who ships those two together and it's really satisfying to hear people say they like how I write a certain character._

_To any fanfic writers, either writing now or thinking about writing in the future, write about the characters and the ships you like, regardless of criticism. Because if my experience currently has taught me anything, a lot of people really do appreciate the work you put in to make your story, even if it's not immediately apparent. **Never forget that.** _

_Now to conclude as always, I don't own Dynasty Warriors, I don't own KoeiTecmo, and I don't own Liu Shan's sweet new duds because GOD YOU LOOK SO GOOD I HAVE LITERALLY NEVER HAD SUCH A VISCERAL REACTION AS I DID TO SEEING YOU LIU SHAN! URGH, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO **HOOOOOOT**?!_

Chapter 13: Light and heat

Sima Zhao was a strange man of conflicting ideals. That was the only truth that Liu Shan had been able to get from the Jin lord and it annoyed him to no end. There was a small sense of pride in his ability to read a man's face and see their true intentions, see the truth behind their poisoned lies but with Sima Zhao there was so little to tell if he was a man to be feared or not. Sima Zhao was lazy but unlike Liu Shan there was no exaggeration in his actions, no performance he had to make to convince people. His words were often without restraint, leaving him to blunder his way out of whatever sticky situation he got himself into yet there was no denying his intelligence. In times where he needed to concentrate his actions were carefully thought out, precise.

Liu Shan and Sima Zhao were playing _Weiqi_ today, an old form of Go, partially because Wang Yuanji insisted that her lord needed to keep his mind sharp and partially because the men had already exhausted most forms of entertainment between themselves. The game was nearing its end and it was currently Sima Zhao's turn. He observed his pieces with a thoughtful expression, two fingers rubbing circles on his left temple as he considered his next move. Liu Shan's attention was on Sima Zhao, noting the small nuances on Sima Zhao's face, trying to predict his opponent's next move. Sima Zhao twirled the white stone in his right hand, moving it around the palm of his hand. When he closed his fist around the stone, Liu Shan knew he was about to make a move. Carefully, Sima Zhao placed his stone, capturing a few of Liu Shan's black stones.

"You're going to lose, my lord." Jia Chong chimed from the corner of the room.

"Shut up." Sima Zhao muttered.

"If you want to win the game, I can take over for you. I'm sure Lord Liu Shan would not mind if I continue on under your name. I can bring you victory."

"Jia Chong, it's fine, I can handle this." His eyes glanced up to Liu Shan. "Besides, this game is quite interesting. Don't you think, lord Liu Shan?"

Liu Shan smiled evenly as he placed a black stone down, showing nothing in his eyes. "Oh it is indeed a very interesting game."

Within seven turns, Liu Shan had seemingly stumbled himself into victory, a miraculous turnover by all accounts. He had to admit he was planning to lose to Sima Zhao but having never had such an entertaining game of Go before, he thought maybe trying to win for once won't do any harm. To win by such a close margin wasn't completely intentional—after all, he was capable of predicting only so much—but it nevertheless made victory all the more sweeter. Sima Zhao's face scrunched up in bewilderment was a bonus as far as Liu Shan was concerned.

"Another game?" Liu Shan asked.

"Knowing my luck, I'd lose again." Sima Zhao sulked. "I don't understand, I usually beat everybody I play against. Do you play Go a lot?"

"The last time I played was with my elder brother many years ago back when he was alive." Liu Shan answered truthfully. "I only ever played a little bit of it in my childhood so I wouldn't say I am a veteran by any means."

Sima Zhao scratched the side of his head. "Well you're better than me. And my brother says I'm pretty good at this game so that says something." He turned to the far side of the room where Wang Yuanji was. A sly grin materialized on his face. "Perhaps you might be talented enough to defeat the almighty Queen of Go."

Wang Yuanji sat reading a scroll opposite Xingcai who stood guard. Her eyes did not leave the paper. "My lord, if you are thinking I will challenge the emperor of Shu to a game of Go because you have lost face then you are mistaken."

Sima Zhao sighed loudly, making sure Wang Yuanji could hear his disappointment. "Worth a shot at least."

Jia Chong hummed in the background. "If only you had utilized my services and relinquished control to me when you had the chance. Give me your word and I shall smite the emperor at his own game."

"There will be NO smiting, metaphorically and literally." Sima Zhao pointed at the man. "You hear that? I don't want you to 'practice' your axe throwing like you did with the last guy who won a game against me."

"If you desire it then I shall refrain from using my axes. However, I have been feeling a little rusty with my spear throwing." He smiled maliciously as he retrieved a miniature spear from behind his back.

"No weapons, no threats, and certainly no need to take over my games just because I lost once. While we're here as guests I'd prefer if our hosts were to remain alive and unharmed." Sima Zhao said.

"Hmph. As you wish." Just as mysteriously as it arrived, the miniature spear disappearing as quickly as it appeared. The viper-like glare he gave Liu Shan gave little comfort to the emperor. There was no doubt Jia Chong would do terrible things if he were given the permission to do so.

As Liu Shan began to pack up the stones on the board and put them into their designated black and white box, he could not help but glance at Sima Zhao. While the two of them had gotten along quite well in their stay and Sima Zhao was for the most part pleasant to be around Liu Shan could see there was more to the man than he initially appeared. He did not know what it was but there was something in Sima Zhao's heart, a blinding light that can bring creation or destruction, a force not yet malleable, not yet harnessed. He knew deep inside him that there was something else about Sima Zhao, something that could make that man his greatest foe were they to go against each other. Sima Zhao had the power of light inside him and yet there was a darkness that could just as easily swallow him whole and tear the world asunder. The complete opposite to the abysmal darkness Liu Shan held inside himself.

In a way, Sima Zhao was the light to Liu Shan's darkness. The Yang to his Yin.

People did not really believe that Sima Zhao posed a threat. His brother, Sima Shi, was intelligent and capable but has yet to do anything noteworthy to his own name and Sima Zhao, as the younger sibling just recently appointed a title, had the same problem. Jiang Wei had thought the strategist Jia Chong to be more dangerous for the state of Shu and Guan Ping thought Sima Zhao at best to be all bark and no bite. Xingcai at least heeded in his words of caution when being around Sima Zhao though Liu Shan was quick to figure out she was only doing out of respect for him rather than any genuine concerns the Jin lord was capable of anything. There was nobody for him to trust but himself, he decided. If something were to happen then he will be ready.

Liu Shan had just finished packing up all of the _Weiqi_ stones and put the board away. Sima Zhao, his head resting on his hand, stared at the two women talking. "Well since Go is out and I really don't feel like going for any more board games, you wanna do something else, Liu Shan?"

Sima Zhao was quick to remove all formalities when it came to Liu Shan but it still took the emperor some time getting used to his casual nature. Only from his parents and Xingcai did his name sound natural, pleasant. Anyone else that said it sounded forced. Even the devil-may-care Sima Zhao was not exempt of this. Ignoring his discomfort, Liu Shan replied, "Well there's not really much to do. We've already done quite a bit these past few days. I showed you all there is to see of the town and the palace."

"Well let's list them out then, maybe we can think of something we haven't done already. Now let's see…there was the market street. We tried some of the dumplings there—those were nice. You also showed me where all the restaurants were, not that we went to any of them." He rubbed his stomach with a frown. "I'm not really hungry though. What else?"

"Well we toured through ALL of the gardens, certainly no easy task as you now know. Training grounds were no good because they didn't have your sword so we instead went to eat. That was yesterday unless I am mistaken."

Sima Zhao nodded. "I guess we haven't had tea together. But that's a bit boring, isn't it. Not like there's much variety in tea flavours anyway."

Liu Shan sighed. "I can't think of anything. We've already done everything." Why did Sima Zhao have to insist every day that they do something different? The only things left to do were illegal, immoral, or otherwise cumbersome.

"If I may, Lord Liu Shan," Wang Yuanji started. "I hear it is a lovely day for hunting. Perhaps you and my lord can both go on a short hunt through the forest and then come back for a bath. Is it not true the royal baths are among the greatest of all those in the kingdom?"

Sima Zhao looked as though he might protest but said nothing upon Wang Yuanji's stare. The look the two shared, Liu Shan could only described as 'suspicious'. The corner of the lord of Jin's lips twitched upward, creating a lopsided grin. "You know, that's a _great_ idea, Yuanji." His voice unnerved Liu Shan. "We could, what, spend a couple of hours in the forest and go to the baths by nightfall. Day well spent."

"Exactly," chimed Wang Yuanji. "And while you men go and have your fun, Lady Zhang and I will go and entertain ourselves some other way. We can all meet up for dinner tonight."

Xingcai stepped forward. "Wang Yuanji, I appreciate the gesture but if my lord is going hunting than I must go with him. It could be dangerous."

Sima Zhao's eyes widened. "N-no there's no need for that. You girls have been hanging around us too long, you should go and have your own fun."

Xingcai turned to Liu Shan. "Will you be alright, my lord?"

Liu Shan glanced between Wang Yuanji and Sima Zhao, eyes pleading, almost as though they wanted him to go on this hunt. This held all the signs of a trap, but even so killing him in the forest would only damage the Sima clan's reputation. Sima Zhao wouldn't have that, not while they are in the midst of a war between Wei. This seemed suspicious, but a bit too obviously suspicious. Was he reading too much into this?

Then again, Xingcai seemed to want to join Wang Yuanji and as far as he could tell the friendship between the two women was genuine. They seemed to enjoy each other's company, seemingly more at ease by each other than around anyone else. And Sima Zhao did have a point; the women were always hanging around them and not because they wanted to. Xingcai did deserve some time to relax. It's not like he did not know how to defend himself.

He surrendered, "You go with Wang Yuanji and have fun. There'll be plenty of servants around after all, and it's not like I am going to be reckless enough to put myself into immediate danger—not intentionally, that is." His smile grew. "Enjoy yourself, Xingcai. You deserve it."

From the corner of his eye, Liu Shan could see Wang Yuanji and Sima Zhao simultaneously exhale in relief. Xingcai did not seem to notice. "Though I am sure you are going to get yourself into some form of danger, I do trust you to look after yourself." Xingcai smiled softly. "Just…don't take too long."

Liu Shan smirked playfully. "I try not to keep beautiful ladies like you waiting, Xingcai."

Was it his imagination or was Xingcai blushing? Her hand went over her mouth, covering her small giggles. Liu Shan had little time to admire her beautiful laugh before the women gathered their things and exited the room. He couldn't help but watch Xingcai's backside go through the sliding door. He continued watching even after she closed the door behind her, the only sign of her presence being the fingerprints placed on the door.

Once their footsteps could not be heard any longer, Jia Chong let out a laugh. From his lips, it sounded malicious. Villainous.

Liu Shan raised an eyebrow as he finally unglued his eyes from the door. "What is so funny?"

"I'm just wondering whether I should just throw you two into a room, barricade the exits, and leave behind some _interesting_ toys for you to play with each other." Jia Chong gave a devious smirk.

"Huh?"

Sima Zhao interjected. "If it's those two, Jia Chong, they also need a bottle of wine. Each." He smirked at Liu Shan. "I wonder which one will be the crazy one in that relationship."

Jia Chong seemed to have teleported to Sima Zhao's side, his arms crossed at his lord's left. "If I were a betting man I would place it all on lady Zhang Xingcai. I have heard interesting rumours that our lady guardian gets rather _frisky_ when she is sufficiently drunk. I'm sure that will lead to some interesting moments with her emperor."

"I don't know." Sima Zhao sniggered. "Liu Shan looks like the type who likes to party. Maybe he gets a little _wild_ when he's alone." He elbowed Jia Chong lightly. "Heh. Maybe he'll show her his 'rapier'."

The two men opposite him laughed hysterically, much to Liu Shan's chagrin. His lips pulled tight as his cheeks burned in fury and shame. He did not know what was worse, that they were joking about his sex life, or that they already came to the false conclusion that he had an adulterous relationship with Xingcai.

"…O-our relationship is nothing like that." Liu Shan mumbled under his breath, which only made the two men cackle harder. He slowly sunk into his seat, flustered and embarrassed. Tears of joy streamed down Sima Zhao's face as they howled into the afternoon.

After what felt like hours of insufferable torture did the men finally calm down from their bout of laughter. Though Jia Chong was the first to calm down from his laughter, Sima Zhao was the first to speak. His speech was filled with intermittent giggles. "I-I'm sorry, man. Really. But come on, a guy like you and a girl like her probably get into some interesting stuff."

"I haven't touched her, OK? I'm not interested in doing anything like that."

"Not even her boobs?" He winked.

"No!"

"Oh." Sima Zhao's laughter died. His hand tapped on the table. "So…you're only up to tongue?"

"NO!" Exasperated, his hand went up to face, clawing its way down. When his hand finally removed itself from his face Liu Shan's smile did not return. "Look, I meant what I said when we first met, **Zhao** , Xingcai and I are not together in any way. She's just my friend."

Sima Zhao wagged his finger. "You fooled me once, I'll admit, but not twice. I see how you look at her. It's kinda obvious you like her." He leaned back on his chair, staring whimsically at the ceiling. "I remember when I was like that, once upon a time. I had to pull out all the stops to win her over. Got her flowers, jewelry. Put on my moves. It only took a generous donation of my family's priced scrolls to get her heart. Those were the days."

By Sima Zhao's side, Jia Chong smiled knowingly. "Funny. I distinctly remember you asking for my services in winning over the fair Wang Yuanji's heart. I was the one to suggest you gift her your family's old scrolls and you made use of me in locating them for you."

Sima Zhao deflated audibly. "Hey, give me some credit, I did the proposal and I did not mess that up."

"We both know it was a miracle the Wang clan did not throw you out of their household." Jia Chong smiled enigmatically. "If only you had let me write the speech for your proposal."

As the strategist and lord argued between each other about the extent of Jia Chong's interference in Sima Zhao's life, Liu Shan sat crestfallen. Sima Zhao was the man to stumble his way through life, a man who gave no regard to his actions and its consequences and yet that very man managed to gain the affection of a woman who was very clearly devoted to him. A part of him felt jealous, but more than anything he felt pity for Wang Yuanji. If his conversations with Sima Zhao were any indication of how the man acted in private then she had a lot to deal with.

At least there were no pretenses between Sima Zhao and Wang Yuanji. Though she was harsh on her lover—perhaps even excessively so—it was clear her affection for him was genuine. And it was reciprocated though the way Sima Zhao expressed his feelings were usually clumsy and crude. There was certainly attraction between the couple; love too if you squinted. If only Liu Shan could have that kind of life with Xingcai. He'd be happy to just have her close to him.

Jia Chong and Sima Zhao did not seem like they were going to stop their petty argument. Liu Shan thumped his hand loudly on the table, catching both of them mid-sentence. The two men turned to the emperor. "Will you two please stop arguing?" Liu Shan huffed.

"Tch." Said Jia Chong, ashamed at himself for allowing his temper get the better of him.

Sima Zhao rubbed the back of his head sheepishly, his gaze flickering between Jia Chong and Liu Shan. "S-sorry…"

Liu Shan sighed. "Look, I will admit it, I harbour feelings for Xingcai—"

"Aha! I knew it!" Sima Zhao interjected.

"—but before you get ahead of yourself, I just want you to know that I do not need any 'help' you may provide." His fingers fumbled in his lap as he looked off into the distance. "It's not like there is any chance of a relationship anyway."

Jia Chong crossed his arms and leaned forward slightly, all of a sudden very interested in the subject matter. His smile seemed slightly more sympathetic though it made the man look no less venomous. "Hiding behind your own cowardice and waiting is not going to improve any of the chances given to you, Lord Liu Shan. A man has to get his hands dirty if the woman is of any worth."

Sima Zhao raised an eyebrow at his strategist, incredulous. "Jia Chong, giving dating advice? I must be dreaming."

Jia Chong does something in between a scoff and a stifled laugh. "Much as I welcome being of use, I'm afraid my expertise stops here. After all," His steely gaze turned to Liu Shan, unwavering, impenetrable. "Lord Liu Shan here is a mystery to me."

Liu Shan could see the brief shift in Jia Chong's eyes. Saw the caution as he studied the man before him. Liu Shan was no stranger to the curiosity people had about him and the rumours. Was he truly that dumb? Was he capable of doing anything as an emperor? Liu Shan glanced briefly to Sima Zhao's eyes. While there was suspicion in Jia Chong, Sima Zhao's eyes they only reflected the world around him. Liu Shan pretended to not have noticed Jia Chong's expression morphed before him, catching the emperor's brief glance. Slowly the strategist was beginning to fit the pieces in his mind together. The image he found was not to his liking.

Fortunately for Liu Shan, Sima Zhao did not seem to notice the change in mood in the room. "Well, I guess it's better than what I was gonna suggest." There was a sly twinkle in his eyes. "Even if you are a mystery Liu Shan, hunting does tend to show a man's true colours—more than _Weiqi_ does at least."

Sima Zhao was certainly planning some kind of game. He was awfully transparent about his plans but whatever those plans were they remained a shrouded secret. His behaviour was baffling at times, almost teasing an idea across that Liu Shan could not perceive. It unnerved Liu Shan to no end.

But he let none of this show, replying with an enigmatic smile. "It's natural that matters of life and death should show the true character of a person."

Sima Zhao nodded. "Then maybe we can get a better understanding of each other." The twinkle in his eye did not disappear.

* * *

Within hours, Liu Shan, Sima Zhao, and a small group of their men were deep within the royal forest surrounding the capital of Chengdu. A sacred ground made just for the emperor to hunt and wander the woods, only through Liu Shan's authority can anybody enter the forest. As a result it was wild yet vibrant, bursting with wildlife that would otherwise be difficult to find in the other forests. Both men carried in their hands a bow, their quiver strapped onto their backs as they walked. Trailing behind them were the guards who stood watch, carefully surveying the landscape, a mix of Jin and Shu guards that seemed ill at ease at the idea of working with each other. The one guard nonplussed was Ma Dai who whistled quietly as he walked behind his lord although his relaxed nature did little to put at ease Sima Zhao's guards. Towards the back were the servants who carried other provisions: food, water canteens, emergency medical supplies and other miscellaneous items that may or may not be needed. Their grumbling with each other could only be faintly heard with the sounds of twigs and leaves crunching underfoot and the sniffing of the hunting dogs, primed and prepared for the very role of sniffing out fresh game.

It had been a long time since Liu Shan went hunting or even used a bow. The last time he hunted was with Liu Feng—probably around the same time they last played Go now that he thought about it. His brother, headstrong yet caring, gently guided him to a little-known spot where the deer liked to roam around and eat. With slow, precise movements, he nocked his bow and out flew the arrow, killing one deer instantly and startling the rest. Liu Shan was guiding the group to the same clearing his brother had took him a long time ago though he had yet to mention the story behind it. He didn't feel the need to reveal such a personal story.

His mother, Sun Shangxiang, was the last person to teach him how to use a bow. Unlike his brother she was more impatient and less forgiving in her training though to say she was talented with a bow was a vast understatement on her power. Her shots soared across the sky, always accurate and perfect. He held only a fraction of her precision and for much of his childhood tried to emulate her but never succeeded. Whatever skill he might have possessed surely had disappeared with time. Liu Shan was passable with a bow, perhaps slightly better than the typical soldier, but there was no way of telling. He doubted his dramatically improving proficiency in fighting equated to an art long forgotten like the art of the bow.

Suddenly the dogs stopped and their horses snorted underneath them, disturbed by something in the wind. When the dogs moved again, the group followed them into a small clearing occupied by a small river. Sunlight filtered through the treetop, illuminating just beside a lone rhinoceros who was drinking at the opposite side.

Almost immediately the group silenced. Sima Zhao and Liu Shan stealthily dismantled their horses and crept up along the river, crouching behind a bush. Sima Zhao nudged Liu Shan, a small smirk on his lips.

"Your time to shine, man." He whispered.

Liu Shan rolled his eyes in amusement as he grabbed an arrow and notched his bow with his thumb. The world around him drowned out for a second, the only thing in perfect clarity was the rhinoceros sipping water from the sparkling stream. His breathing slowed, his hand stilled. Finally he released, the arrow whooshed through the air before striking the animal in the neck. It collapsed instantaneously.

Sima Zhao patted Liu Shan on the back. "Not bad. For a novice."

Liu Shan slowly stood to survey the animal. Maybe he wasn't that rusty after all. He boasted, "Keep giving me the easy targets and you might find there will be none left for you, Sima Zhao."

"Oh, you are on."

The servants were already mobilizing to get to work on the animal, using a saw to cut off the dead rhino's horn. When it was gone, the servants each took turns to gaze at the horn, a precious object more rare than Jade. Their reactions were of no surprise to Liu Shan. The horn alone was enough to pay their salaries for a year. The skin could be repurposed into armour or saddles or into any other heavy-duty leather.

"Never thought I'd see a rhino in my days, let alone at the outskirts of the forest." Ma Dai said aloud as he curiously studied the animal. "Is it a boy or a girl rhino?"

"Well, there's an easy way to find out but I am NOT going to push a dead rhino to find out." Sima Zhao replied.

Liu Shan looked into the animal's dark eyes, still wide open. He wondered if animals felt emotion like humans did, felt things like pain and sadness. "It does not matter. We should perhaps go a bit further, leave some of the servants to finish cutting up the rhino's skin."

Sima Zhao shrugged. "I'm game for whatever."

Ma Dai quickly guided their horses to the two lords and together they mounted their respective steeds and rode on through the royal forest, leaving behind most of the servants to carve up the dead animal.

Half an hour had passed and it became apparent that finding anything else to hunt would be difficult. Their presence crunched underfoot with the fallen branches and sticks that seemed to have multiplied as they went further in and the unspoiled nature of the royal forest may have led to its enhanced beauty but it also made it harder to navigate through with their horses. The further they went, the less space the horses had to squeeze through the trees. Ma Dai was the first to expressed concern over whether they should head back.

"Do not worry, I know where we are going." Liu Shan pointed forward. "There is a clearing up ahead. I know it."

"Are you sure, Master Liu Shan? I've never actually been into the royal forests myself, of course, but there can't really be a clearing in a place like this right? If it was nearby we should be able to see it by now."

Liu Shan knew it was Ma Dai's way of expressing respect but the title of 'master' felt weird to hear. At least, it was weirder than Sima Zhao calling him 'Liu Shan'. He certainly has not done anything to deserve such a title. "It's just a little further. We just need to walk a little bit longer." Liu Shan insisted.

"Then I trust your judgment, Master Liu Shan. In the meantime then we can have a bit of fun on the journey there. I might as well enjoy myself while I'm on the job." Ma Dai stared up to the specks of sky he could see behind all the foliage, a smile slowly spreading from cheek to cheek.

Sima Zhao gazed upwards too but did not see what brought such happiness to Ma Dai. His eyes squinted as he gazed at the descending sun. "I'd rather we get a move on. I really want to get back before nightfall."

"I thought you of all people would be the kind to enjoy life slowly," Liu Shan added. "You're not in a hurry to get back, are you?"

"It's not that…" Sima Zhao trailed off.

"Then what is it?"

His eyes peeled off of the sky to look at Liu Shan for a brief moment. "Well to be honest I only went along with this because Yuanji told me to. Hunting's not exactly in my top five favourite activites in the world."

"Then why go along with it? We could always go somewhere else."

"Ah, I tried that tactic long ago and it didn't work." Sima Zhao regarded Liu Shan with a faint smile. "That's the problem with women. They always seem to know when you're not doing what they want you to do."

"Tell me about it." Liu Shan smiled inwardly. He was no stranger to Xingcai and her 'sixth sense'.

The foliage in the forest thickened, to the point that the men were forced to dismount their horses and move on foot, their steeds pulled through by their reins. The further they walked, the darker it got. Even the dogs got a bit wary of their surroundings, as if they too were concerned about going so far into the forest. A curious rumbling noise could be heard but it was too far away to be of any threat.

As they walked, everybody's faces had become solemn. Contemplative. When Sima Zhao spoke, Liu Shan saw that the man wore an expression far darker than any he had shown before.

"You're kinda lucky, you know that, Liu Shan?"

Liu Shan blinked, confused as to the meaning behind his words. "I…don't understand."

"Well, you've got everything a guy could dream of. Wealth, land, power, charisma, you've got everything you need to end this war. You're certainly not who I thought you were."

Liu Shan shook his head. He ignored the last comment. "Maybe I can somehow stop the war but can I stop the chaos? All my life, I've wanted to actualize the peace I've envisioned, let everybody get the rest they deserve. And that means quelling the chaos, purging it from this land."

Sima Zhao did not appear satisfied by that answer. " But isn't chaos a part of life though?"

Liu Shan bristled. "How so?" He said, trying to hide the anger rising through his veins.

"Chaos and peace are not each other's sworn enemy but rather, like life and death, they coexist. They validate the other." Sima Zhao spread his arms in front of him. "Look at this forest. The cycle of life. Predator eats prey. Prey eats plants. Plants steal the life-sustaining water we need. We try and make death seem peaceful if possible but death is still chaos. And yet from this chaos we have beautiful forests, graceful animals, the food that we eat and the water and wine that we drink. In chaos we find shelter, sustenance. In chaos there is peace."

Liu Shan looked forward where he could see the first pinpricks of light. It was a worldview he had never encountered before and one that took him a while to consider. Ultimately, he replied, "It only looks that way because we were born to a world of chaos. Even in our fathers' time, the land was in chaos. Alliances were made and broken, cities were built and destroyed, all to stoke the flames of war and line a man's pockets. Even now when there are no battles and men like you and I can talk freely, there is chaos looming in the air. I don't think we will ever see true peace, not in our times."

Liu Shan could feel the others stare at him as he spoke. When he stopped to take a breath, it was only then that he realized. He let his smile drop. He let the real Liu Shan, with the dark intelligence he wielded, out of his cage. Yet he could not stop himself.

Liu Shan continued, "You think of peace as order, as merely but a time without war but I believe peace is much more than that. Peace is the time the flowers grow, when nature can carve its own path through the land. Peace is the time for people to rest, to build and maintain what they already have, regardless of how much or how little they have got. Peace is the time for introspection, when we can finally allow ourselves to look upon our chaotic past to go into the future." Liu Shan squinted as he approached the light in front of him, blinding and brilliant. Despite the light, his eyes remained wide open. "But this is a chaotic world we live in. And we have to look forward to that peaceful future. Because if things go on as they are, we will allow chaos to spread. And I will not allow that to happen, even if it takes my life."

Liu Shan dismounted and entered the light, pushing aside the branches in front of him to find the clearing. It was exactly as he imagined it, a long thin stretch of brightly lit land in the middle of the forest, the canopy of the trees clearing away to let the sun kiss the green grass and brown soil with its magical rays. As if to highlight its natural beauty, a variety of flowers were interspersed around the border between the dark forest and the light clearing. Sound traveled a bit more clearly here and Liu Shan realized that the rumbling he heard earlier was the sound of rushing water. A stream perhaps, or maybe even a small river. He made a mental note to follow the river as a last resort should he genuinely get lost in the forest.

He turned around, waiting for everybody else to join him only to find everybody staring at him in horror. He willed the smiling mask onto himself once again, wondering whether or not they had discovered that he was not what he seemed. That was until he saw it, within the reflection in the water underneath him.

The feet of a man behind him, weapon in hand. Ready to kill.

Liu Shan's head swung behind him, just barely seeing the glimpse of crazed bloodlust in the man's eyes. He dodged left just as the spear stabbed forward, grazing his sleeve. Before Liu Shan could draw his sword to counterattack, an arrow struck the assailant in the chest. The man fell, blood pooling from his chest and his mouth. Dark crimson stained the once crystal clear stream.

From the shadows the rest of Liu Shan's party slowly emerged. Sima Zhao was the first to approach Liu Shan, dismounting his horse before giving an awkward pat on the back, the only way he knew how to reassure a person. He surveyed his surroundings, incredulous as to how or why this could have happened. Ma Dai's smile was no longer cheerful, instead taking on a darker, malicious tone. Liu Shan saw how the general's knuckles were white on his bow. Soon everyone else had dismounted too. No one said a word. It took everybody a moment to process what had just occurred and the horrors that might have been.

Eventually, one of the bodyguards spoke up. "W-what's a bandit doing here?" He gulped but it did nothing to calm his nerves. He was clearly new to the job.

One of the older bodyguards replied, "Clearly he was trespassing. Probably one of the anti-royalists; saw the emperor and just felt like he could not waste the opportunity to try and kill him."

"D-damn that's a frightening thought."

It was one thing to be the bait when you put yourself into that situation. It was another to be attacked in what was supposed to be a safe haven, a place untouched and unspoilt by the war. Liu Shan grimaced. "Bandits shouldn't even be in here, this is the emperor's forest. They should have been driven out long ago." He turned to the guards. "Who is supposed to be in charge of the forest?"

A third bodyguard went forward. "Sir, I believe it is under the domain of Lord Jiang Wei." The bodyguard quickly looked around before adding, "Perhaps he has…been lax with this particular duty because of the war preparations."

Someone else called, "You make this sound as though there are more bandits in here."

Another replied, "Look at his clothes, it's obvious he's a scout for a patrol. And if there's a patrol there's a base with hundreds of others. How long will it be before his comrades find him and realize he's dead?"

"Could this be a plot to storm the palace?"

"It could be. This is holy land, after all. They could hide all their weapons here, attack, and then retreat in here. In this forest they're untouchable."

As the conversation grew tense and everybody got nervous, Sima Zhao chuckled all of a sudden, cutting the air with its wicked blade. In his eyes, Liu Shan saw the same bloodlust that was in the bandit's eyes just moments before. "There's no need to worry, everybody. This is good news!"

Everybody turned to stare at him. Liu Shan asked, "How is this good?"

There was a gleam in Sima Zhao's eyes. "We've got the numbers for an ambush. We find the path back to their home base, ambush them, maybe burn down a building or two if they have some, and go crazy."

Liu Shan turned wide-eyed to the lord of Jin, his voice hitching for a bit as he tried to suppress his anger. "This isn't a game, these are bandits, maybe even assassins! They are almost certainly armed and dangerous and no matter how well trained we may be, if we get outnumbered or ambushed we are dead. We'll find the path to their home base but we will just mark the position down and go. There's no need for bloodshed. Not today, at least."

"Believe me, I know it's a pain in the ass but if we don't do it now there's gonna be more work and more suffering because of it. We can't hide in the palace and wait for them to make their move. Shouldn't we attack first while we have the advantage?"

"We need time to plan and prepare for an attack, especially if we're ambushing them. I…" A hand went up to Liu Shan's hair as he struggled to keep the mask of ignorance on. He took a deep breath and he regained some control over his emotions. "Reconnaisance is not a bad idea but we don't know how many people there are. If we lose even one person in this ambush, we might all die and then who knows how far the chaos will spread?"

Sima Zhao gazed at the blood dripping from the corpse, the stream beside it tainted with blood. Flies had already begun to hover around the body. For a brief second hesitance flashed on his face, too fast for anyone but Liu Shan to notice, but it was hidden behind a mask of bravado and courage. The mask of a leader. When Sima Zhao turned to look at him and their eyes connected, Liu Shan understood. It was mutual understanding, a connection of minds. Liu Shan already knew he would not like what would be said next but he gave his silent permission for Sima Zhao to continue. "We're not going to agree on a course of plan any time soon."

Liu Shan shook his head. He could not submit to a plan that could lead to so much bloodshed. There had to be a more peaceful way to do this.

"I thought not." Sima Zhao approached the soldiers. "Then let's make this diplomatic and call for a vote. All those who want to follow Lord Liu Shan's plan and just do some recon, raise your arm."

It took the soldiers by surprise and for a few seconds they did nothing but shift awkwardly beside each other. When they realized that Sima Zhao was not joking, a few men hesitantly rose their arms.

Sima Zhao smiled compassionately. "OK then. Now who wants to follow my plan and take the fight to the enemies for a change?"

It took longer for the men to react, almost everybody instinctively looking to Liu Shan as if to see whether or not he would allow them to answer. But Liu Shan gave no answer, staring instead in the direction the bandit came from. It gave them no comfort. They turned to each other, trying to figure out whose allegiance they would be. In the end, only one hand rose.

It was the hand of Ma Dai.

All the men turned to the general as he spoke. "Well everyone, I think I can safely say I don't speak for all of you but I'm going with the ambush plan. For too long we have let scum attack us and expect us to roll over and take it. But now we've got an opportunity to ambush them." He gestured to Liu Shan. "They attacked our emperor, they threatened our kingdom. If that was somebody important to you, anyone you cared about, you would want to avenge the person who tried to kill your loved ones."

Liu Shan imagined if someone he cared about almost got killed as he did. He recalled last week when Xingcai had submitted herself to the bandits, was ready to give up her life in a moment of weakness. He will never let anybody come close to killing her, even if it meant sacrificing his own life. He's all too willing to put his life on the line for a cause, or person, he cares about.

"So I say to you guys that I will not let injustice stand. We will rid this sacred land of bandits. We will show our enemies we will not be pushed around. And we will bring the land of peace we all want!"

Ma Dai and the men cheered but Liu Shan saw the truth in the general's eyes. He took a sadistic pleasure in the punishment he will mete out. He too was corrupted by the same bloodlust that had taken over Sima Zhao.

Liu Shan looked around and saw that the men's expressions hardened into resolve. One by one their hands shot towards the sky, the bloodlust corrupting their eyes, seeping into their soul. He paled at the sight, horrified by how easily the men got swept up in the craze but he could say nothing now. Sima Zhao was the one in control now. Who was he to refuse the man who had captivated the others so easily? He was already a pawn to Sima Zhao's game.

They had begun retracing the dead bandit's steps, moving in the same direction until they found a path trodden with the feet of many men. They followed the path as they carved their way through the forest. The sounds of the birds tweeting and the rustling of animals nearby seemed to have muted. Perhaps they knew the intent of this small gang of soldiers. As a small wooden perimeter came into view, within its shelter the makings of a bare-bone camp, the men had drawn their weapons with murderous intent. The archers clamoured around the camp, hiding in the trees and waiting for their chance. The others, including Liu Shan and Sima Zhao, had forgone their steeds for swords. Liu Shan's heart thumped in his chest. His smile was long absent. He suspected it would not return for a while. He waited for the signal, had already memorized the pattern of movements of the few men at the makeshift battlements. In the corner of his eye, Ma Dai drew his bow, his savage grin of glee unwavering. Ma Dai's arrow shot. A bandit fell down from the battlements.

"Charge!" Sima Zhao bellowed.

The bandits did not expect the attack at all. Ill-equipped and taken by surprise, their attempts at fighting back were futile. Liu Shan had sneaked in with Sima Zhao, stabbing, slashing. He quickly lost count of how many he killed. Sima Zhao beside him was fairly competent in a battle despite his unusual sword technique but the lazy way he conducted himself was offputting compared to the deaths he left in his wake. He saw a few men try to flee, the dogs rabidly snarling at their heels. Sima Zhao shouted to the archers theirr positions. They fell, crawling for a few seconds before a second arrow finished them both off. In a manner of minutes, the camp was devoid of hostile life. As quickly as they attacked, the battle drew to its end. They had won, leaving in their wake a trail of blood and guts.

Sima Zhao smiled proudly as he gave Liu Shan a friendly pat on the back. "You never fail to amaze me, Liu Shan. You fought pretty well."

Liu Shan did not smile. "What's going to happen to this place?"

"What do you mean? We can't exactly keep it. This is supposed to be sacred grounds, right?"

"I know that but…" He did not finish his thought. Even if the structure was anywhere near stable, there was so much death, too much death. The corpses had to be disposed. This camp must go down.

The guards had just finished covering the camp with oil and had lit up torches. Two men gave the two lords a torch each to throw in. One by one, the torches were thrown into designated spots. The flames burned bright, licking at the wood and canvas. Smoke rose beyond the tree canopy, obscuring the sunlight. A signal to the people and to the heavens of the bandits' defeat. The royal forest is safe once more

Sima Zhao looked at Liu Shan and then turned to the burning village, where Liu Shan was staring. His sword, coated with the blood of the people beneath him, rested on his broad shoulders. "Liu Shan. Remember what we were talking about earlier? This is it. This is the power of chaos."

"Is this why you wanted to go on this crazy mission? To prove your point?"

Sima Zhao shook his head slightly even though he knew Liu Shan couldn't see it. "No," he spoke softly. "It was just a coincidence. But a convenient one. Because now you can see for yourself the point I am trying to make."

Liu Shan still had trouble believing that what they done was good. How can all this bloodshed be good? "Can't you see the destruction this is causing?"

Sima Zhao's laughed. What once held comfort and humour now brought malice and wickedness. "No. I don't see it because this is not destruction. This, my friend, is ripping out the weeds so that the flowers can grow, the scab that heals to become flesh once more. This land will burn to the ground but it is only then that miracles happen. Just watch, in a year or two, the animals will return, the plants will grow, and the seeds of new life will grow once more."

As if on cue, many of the birds in the area scattered in fear, their cries alerting many smaller creatures, that sprung from the bushes and retreated further into the forest. The wooden battlements were beginning to crumble onto itself. The camp was falling apart.

Sima Zhao turned to Liu Shan, his expression serious. In his eyes was the fire of the blazing sun, the eyes of a born leader. The eyes of the _real_ Sima Zhao. "We are the instruments to the future, Liu Shan. We have to let the seeds of peace blossom. You may think chaos is unnecessary but we both know this is a burden you and I will have to face sooner or later. This is a necessary evil we must perform so that the less capable will not have to. If we do things right, the future will learn from our mistakes."

Liu Shan's jaw tightened as he stared into the fire. The eyes and flesh of the bandits may have already melted but he could still feel their souls staring at him. Judging him. "You can reap whatever weeds you want but someday you will kill a flower too. There are consequences."

"The brighter the light is before us, the darker the shadows we cast." Sima Zhao said emotionlessly, quoting a faceless person, an empty memory.

They watched as the camp burned itself to the ground even when everybody had left. In silence they watched the world around them succumb to its wounds, leaving behind nothing but the ash it was born from and the bones of those that have perished before their might.

* * *

Never before had something as simple as taking a bath gave Liu Shan such comfort. Wearing only the robe provided—having removed all of his other clothing beforehand—he and Sima Zhao silently followed the attendants to the royal baths. It was a small room filled with steam, in the middle of which sat a circular pool of crystal clear water. By the corners of the room sat shampoo, soap, and a neatly packed tower of towels. The attendants stood by one side of the room but Sima Zhao waved his arms to dismiss them. They turned to Liu Shan, their faces filled with confusion, but with a simple nod they finally left, not before giving a hesitant glance back at their lord.

Sima Zhao wasted no time in grabbing some shampoo and soap from the corner, stripping the robe off of his back, and climbing into the pool. Liu Shan did not know whether to admire the man for his lack of modesty or be horrified. Liu Shan was leaning towards the latter category. "You don't want a bath attendant to wash you?"

"Oh is that what they were for?" Sima Zhao lied back slightly, his right hand scratching his chest. "I can wash myself just fine but if you need them, you can always call them back in I guess."

Somehow he doubted Sima Zhao did not know what the bath attendants were for but said nothing on the matter. Truth be told, he wasn't a fan of having strangers wash his back. If Sima Zhao's dismissal was the excuse he could use today then he was surely going to use it. Liu Shan walked to the water's edge and dipped his feet into the water. It seemed hot enough. Perhaps a bit too hot for his liking at the moment.

Sima Zhao watched in mild amusement as the emperor swirled his feet in the water, creating small ripples. "I didn't realize you were the shy type."

Liu Shan instinctively clutched his robes. "I'm not really..."

"Well then get yourself in here. Because if you're not coming in, well I won't object to hogging all the hot water for myself."

He hesitated for a second before slowly descending into the water, unfurling the robe carefully. When his body was submerged in the water, he threw the robe further away just outside of arm's reach. He did not want it to get wet when he got out of the water.

Opposite him, Sima Zhao gave a smirk. "See? Easy. Nothing to be nervous about."

Liu Shan adjusted himself in the pool. Compared to the cool air of the evening it still was too warm for his liking. Sweat was already beading on his forehead. He hopes he gets used to this. "I'm not a prudish man by nature. This is just a bit…new for me. Sharing a bath, that is."

"Really? This seems like the perfect place to bring a girl or two and spend a little _private time_." Sima Zhao laughed. "Are you sure you haven't shared this with your girlfriend? If she's a soldier, she's definitely not shy."

"Xingcai is not my girlfriend and no, I haven't brought her or anyone else in here before." Not unless his parents inviting him here that one time counted. "You're the first." Liu Shan added.

"Well I better hope to the gods themselves I'm not the last." Sima Zhao reclined further into the water, sighing from relief as he did. "Seriously though, you really need to make a move on and woo Xingcai before someone else comes along."

"I already know that." Liu Shan grumbled, the sting of the bitter truth softening not one bit. "But I already told you it's not to be. It's not like she's interested in me like that."

"But how do you know that?" Sima Zhao smiled enigmatically. "It's not like you've even went up to her and confessed, did not beg for her mercy and kowtow. It's not like she's ever told you how she feels about you. Just man up and tell her how you feel, screw the consequences."

It was so very easy for Liu Shan to blame his blush on the hot steam rising from the warm water. "I only wish it is that simple. I truly do."

Sima Zhao opened his mouth as if he were to ask something but ultimately was silent. It seemed he had enough common sense to not pry on a sensitive subject though this did not stop the glint in his eyes. Liu Shan found he could not relax fully in Sima Zhao's presence. Just over an hour ago, the man in front of him slain his opponents with death in his eyes. An hour ago he announced his plans to achieve peace through chaos and destruction, showed the leadership skills he held. And yet he acted like nothing had happened, as if he truly did not care about whatever happens to him.

To have see a man show his real face only to hide it again? It just makes you want to rip the mask off and smash it into pieces.

Sima Zhao was oblivious to Liu Shan's swirling thoughts. His fingers tapped impatiently by the edge of the pool. It was almost as if he was waiting for something. "Hey, Liu Shan?"

"Hm?"

"I'm kinda curious. I see two doors here." He pointed in opposite directions. "When I leave, do I go from the one we came from or do I go through the other door?"

"If you want to leave, you go through the door behind me, the one we came from. If, however, you want to enter the noble baths for whatever reason, that's where the other door takes you."

"Huh…then what's the difference between the royal baths and the noble baths?"

Liu Shan replied, "Since we came back here at dusk, not much since the noble baths are empty. The royal baths gets the priority of hot water and is quite secluded from everybody. The noble baths are bigger but they are more crowded. Good for socializing, not so great if you prefer your own privacy. You still have to go through here to get your clothes back, of course."

Sima Zhao nodded. "So I can go there with Yuanji if I wanna, right?"

Liu Shan's eyebrows furrowed. Sima Zhao certainly seemed awfully interested all of a sudden. "Technically you can but I wouldn't recommend it, for Lady Wang's sake. Not only is it scandalous but I worry what those men might do to her." Liu Shan pointed his thumb to his side. "Near your living quarters there's a guest bath. If you're lucky it might be unoccupied. It may not be as glamourous as this one but it's worth a try."

Sima Zhao grinned. "Perhaps I shall."

From behind Liu Shan, the door opened slowly and two pairs of footsteps could be heard. Liu Shan sighed in relief. With the servants back, they can distract Sima Zhao and finally he can relax.

Or at least, that's what Liu Shan wished had happened. But as soon as Sima Zhao open his arms up and said, "Welcome to the party, Yuanji" did Liu Shan look behind him. His eyes widened. Before him, clad in identical bathing robes, were Wang Yuanji and Xingcai.

Wang Yuanji gave a polite bow but the look on her face was disapproving. "You certainly seem to be enjoying yourself, my lord."

"There's plenty of room for you to join in. The water is perfect." Sima Zhao winked, to Wang Yuanji's lack of amusement.

Xingcai looked fixedly at Liu Shan. "Lord…Lord Liu Shan?"

Liu Shan quickly submerged himself deeper until he was neck-deep in the water. "X-Xingcai…" He mumbled, hoping the steam will hide his burning cheeks.

Both emperor and body guard stared at each other, too hesitant to say anything lest it worsened the thickening tension. Liu Shan knew he should not stare but found he could not look away from Xingcai. She clutched her robes protectively, her arms and legs closer to her body. She never looked so cute before. Never before had she seemed so _seductive_. And her eyes that were burning into his, they stared at him curiously, slowly unraveling the thread that held his mask together, undressing his soul so that it would be as bare as his body. He could feel it somewhere in his bones, something fiery and explosive, just waiting to burst from his chest, anxious for her touch. Could he…would she let him touch her…?

Suddenly Sima Zhao stood up, causing both Wang Yuanji and Xingcai to look away. Liu Shan had the displeasure of reacting too slowly and had an unfortunate glimpse before he too turned his head away. Without a care for the others in the baths, Sima Zhao grabbed the towel behind him and quickly (if inefficiently) dried himself—head first then body— before putting his robe back on. When Liu Shan finally turned to face Sima Zhao, the man before him bore a mischievous grin.

"Well, my job is done. So I'm gonna take your advice and get a bath nearby my place." Sima Zhao gave a mock salute. "See ya."

Liu Shan's face paled in realization. The glint in his eyes, the impish expressions, those knowing smiles. "Y-YOU PLANNED THIS?!"

"Well you were being such a pretty cool dude, I kinda felt like I had to return the favour somehow. So I thought settting you two up together would be a good start. It's not like it'll be good for either of you to leave now."

Wang Yuanji smiled apologetically. "Sorry, Lord Liu Shan. I must admit this is partially my fault for putting ideas into my lord's head." She pointed her thumb at Sima Zhao who was squeezing excess water out of his hair. "He insisted on getting you two alone. I might have…not disagreed."

Xingcai frowned. "Lady Wang, you were a part of this too?"

Wang Yuanji nodded, her cheeks flushed with shame.

Sima Zhao, now by Wang Yuanji's side, placed an arm around her waist. "Don't worry about dinner tonight, Liu Shan. I've got my own plans." He flicked his wrist in a lazy wave. "See you tomorrow you two. Don't do anything we wouldn't do." He said, as he escorted Wang Yuanji out of the royal baths, Wang Yuanji too surprised to react. Liu Shan could only imagine the complaints Wang Yuanji would make once the two of them were out of earshot.

For a few seconds Liu Shan and Xingcai watched the exit in stunned silence. Then, when he finally regained control of his body, Liu Shan groaned loudly as his hands snaked up his face.

"I can't believe I missed this. He was acting so coy, dropping all these hints, but I assumed he was going to ambush me in the forest or something. Not this." He groaned into his hands. "I can't believe this was his plan."

Xingcai slowly approached the water's edge, watching her lord's head submerge and surface repeatedly. He thought she might find this humourous under different circumstances but she knew better than to acknowledge it. If anything, he was the joke. A crude, horrible joke. "My lord…" She started.

"I'm sorry for bringing you into this. I'm sure Lord Sima Zhao means well but—"

"It's fine. It's not your fault." Xingcai attempted a smile but however bright it was her expression was cut by the nervousness she emanated. She turned to the door to the public baths, pointed her chin towards it. "People are filing into the public baths, it seems."

He tilted his head. If he strained, he could make the faint static of chatter in the background. "Yeah…they seem to be having fun." He thought it would be too obvious to mention that they could not go through that way. Not when their clothes are at the entrance. Not now, when the baths are filled with lusty old men.

"The guards changed recently out front while I came in here. I know their schedules. In an hour's time, the guards will swap out. We can leave the baths then without raising suspicion."

"Wouldn't it be easier for you to leave now and for me to leave at the next guard shift?"

"Just because you went hunting doesn't mean I do not need a bath too." She gazed into the water before adding, "Today was…a lot."

He could still see it, the bloodied bodies and the desecrated camp. The flesh melting like ice under the summer sun. "You and me both." He mumbled. "You and me both."

Slowly Xingcai walked to the opposite ends of the room and Liu Shan watched. Watched her as she crouched to pick up her own towel, soap, and shampoo. Watched her as she stood by the edge of the bath, her eyes gazing downwards into the water he occupied, just below where Liu Shan rested his hand over his crotch. He never fully comprehended just how physically attractive Xingcai was until she was left with only a plain white robe to cover herself with. Flawless skin, luscious hair, her body curves a road Liu Shan would love to get lost in. He found it difficult to not stare at her breasts. Just imagining what they looked like in the flesh, without the robe covering her, oh it was getting easier and easier the more he looked. It was getting easier and easier for him to imagine her slowly stripping in front of him, blushing shyly as he took in every detail. What a feast for the eyes that would be.

And then Xingcai took her hands off her robes. Her hands untied the strap that held the robes closed.

Instinctively Liu Shan turned away before he could see anything. "W-what are you doing?"

"I'm having a bath." She stated in a matter-of-fact manner.

Heat rose to his cheeks. The hypocrisy of his thoughts versus his actions were not lost on him, not that it eased his sudden nervousness. "I know that b-but I'm here. You shouldn't strip in front of men."

"It's just a bath." Her robe plopped onto the ground underneath her. He could hear something enter the water. He imagined it was her foot, slender and soft. "On missions I often get someone to be my look out while I wash myself. You won't be the first man I've bathed with and you won't be the first man to see me naked."

It almost sounded as though Xingcai was giving him permission, inviting him to her private show. How easy it would be to just turn his head and see for himself her beautiful naked body. But instead he sat up slightly and turned his body the other way so that he was facing the opposite direction. Anything so as not to look at her. He did not think his body could handle seeing her naked. "Xingcai, you can't just bathe with any man you know. Who knows what some people might do to you?" He paused, momentarily at a lost for words before asking, "…why are you so comfortable with the idea of being in the same bath as me?"

Xingcai was silent. For a moment Liu Shan was worried he asked the wrong question. That he said something he shouldn't have. But eventually Xingcai did reply. "…I trust you, Liu Shan." She admitted quietly.

He could not help himself. He let out a shaky breath, his body shivering from a strange cocktail of fear and giddiness. Electricity zaps through his body, traveling down his spine and out through to his arms and legs. She must have heard him. The ripples in the water he made probably also alerted her of his movement but it was too late to rectify. Why did such simple words make him feel so exposed? Why does he **like** feeling so exposed with her? After a few breaths in and out, Liu Shan managed to calm himself down enough to give a quiet reply of his own. "I trust you too, Xingcai." He tried to say as nonchalantly as possible.

She giggled under her breath. She made no attempt of hiding it. A smile grew on his face despite the awkwardness.

The two washed in relative silence, their backs facing each other. The only noise that could be heard was the scrubbing of soap on skin and the occasional splash of water as it trickled down their bodies. Out of habit he washed his body first. He scrubbed away at his torso, down his arms to the fingertips. He moves upwards to wash his shoulders, stopping for a moment where his bruise used to be. Funny how quickly bruises can heal and yet some scars can last forever. With a shake of his head, he disregarded the thought and let the soap run down his back, bring it around the side to his stomach. Finally, he brought a leg up to the bath's edge one at a time. He scrubbed away the dirt, the sweat, the flecks of blood spat out from a man's last breath. He scrubbed away the forest, the dead rhino's eyes, the pile of skeletons left in a burnt clearing. He made sure he was thorough this time. The memories had to be cleaned too if he wanted to rest tonight.

He dropped the soap and picked up the shampoo. He massaged the mixture into his hair, from roots to tip, each time grabbing a new clump of hair. His fingers rub circles into his scalp and he sighed in relief, letting his mind drift to simpler times. There was something calming about having your hair washed, he found. For most of his life it was only his family that ever washed his hair, it was one of the few things he insisted on doing himself till today. His parents would surely have found it silly but he found the simple act of washing another's hair an intimate one, an act you could only do with a person you trusted. With his family gone, the only person he could trust now to do this apart from himself was just a few metres away and she was probably washing her own hair too. To think she trusted him enough to be naked around him.

"May I ask you something, Liu Shan?"

A small smile appeared despite himself. He does not think he'll get used to her calling him by his name; not like he minded. "Yeah?"

"I wonder where Lord Sima Zhao got the idea that we're together. Does he…think we're romantically involved?"

"It's not such a surprising idea, Xingcai. I'm a man, you're a woman, and we're almost always by each other's side. What would a person think, seeing the two of us for the first time?" He scooped up some water in his hands and spilled it over his head. The water threads and pools around strands of hair. "I have found that people find it easier to make assumptions than to truly understand a subject, regardless of the topic."

Xingcai hummed low, not completely satisfied with his answer. "This incident is just going to make the rumours about us worse. Sometimes I wish people could understand the relationship we have."

"And what relationship is that?" He asked, the words spilling out of his mouth before he could shove them back inside. Liu Shan stammered as he tried to correct himself. "I-I mean what kind of relationship do people say we have?"

She did not answer immediately. His cheeks burned as he told himself off for such a comment, _stupid STUPID_ , but the torment of not knowing what kind of face she was making and not knowing what was on her mind, it turned the torment into torture. He glanced back, grabbed a glimpse of her naked back before he swirled his head back in front of him. It was too late. He had captured that moment in full colour, framed it, and hung it up for his mind's eyes to look at whenever he desired.

His sudden movement made waves of which Xingcai could partially feel. He knew because he could feel Xingcai's movement through the water, telling her she had turned slightly towards him. She knew he turned towards her. She knew he saw her backside.

"Liu Shan." She said impassively, as if steeling herself for something. "What kind of relationship do you want?"

He's silent—stunned silent—not just because he did not expect her to ask him that question but also because he himself did not know what he wanted. It would selfish but easy to want her by his side forever and to have her heart eternally but perhaps that was too easy. Nothing came to him easy in his life. Not even the things everybody thought would come easy. Things like love.

"I don't know." He admitted. "I'm content with how things are right now but…" He shook his head. What was he saying? What was the darkness making him say?

"But…?" Xingcai asked.

"…But maybe I want more. Maybe I want to hear about how your days are, help you when you train for yourself, just…be there, I guess. I feel like I have this huge insurmountable debt with you that I cannot pay with all the riches in the world."

Water trickled down behind him as Xingcai stood and exited the bath. He took this as a sign for him to exit too, not before pouring one last handful of water to his hair. So easy it was to imagine the water stream down the curvature of her back. Facing away from each other they each grabbed their own towel and dried themselves up, wiping away the moisture, starting first with their body and working their way upwards. He heard the tiles behind him squeak a bit. Was Xingcai watching him? He did not turn to find out. He did not realize how heavy his breaths were until he had fully robed himself.

"I can't believe how worked up I am getting over this situation." Liu Shan whispered to himself, faintly aware that the acoustics of the royal baths made it possible, but not entirely certain, that Xingcai heard him. Louder, he asked, "Can I turn around now?"

Xingcai giggled under her breath. "Of course."

Slowly Liu Shan turned around to face Xingcai. She looked the same as how she first came in, the only difference being that her hair was drenched and sticking onto her face. Her skin shimmered and shined from the moisture. As beautiful as ever, he thought.

"I think I owe you more than you owe me, my lord. Then again, maybe we both have things we owe each other." Xingcai let out a shaky breath, betraying the fear behind her confident facade. "Why don't we do something about it? One person can get the other to do anything but only once. Get rid of any debts we hold against each other."

A mental image of Xingcai flat on her back and smiling as he laid himself on top of her was conjured and persisted for a few seconds. His face flushed as he shook the thought away. "I-I suppose that's fair but…is there anything I can do that's worth as much as a life?" Was there really anything in this world worth as much as Xingcai is to him?

"I don't know if it's as much as a life but I can pretend it is worth as much." She smiled bashfully. "It's just one task. It won't take you long."

He found himself smiling too though it did not ease the tension. "What do you want me to do?"

Her skin glistened in the light. "Give me a massage."

For a few seconds he chuckled, thinking it was a joke but when Xingcai's expression did not change and he realized she was being perfectly serious, his mouth fell. He could not blame the steam for his blush this time.

They spread out two towels on the floor, one rolled out flat for Xingcai to lie on while the other was folded into itself multiple times to act as a pillow. She laid on her stomach, face to the side. Liu Shan hovered over her, her robe pulled down so that from where he sat above her, all that was exposed was her shoulders. He knew more of her was exposed at the front but he did not want to think about it. The way he had to straddle her, his legs on either side of her body, she'd know if he was thinking about anything dirty.

Liu Shan looked at his hands, studied the lines of his palm and the shape of his fingers. These hands were going to be on Xingcai's skin. They were going to massage her shoulders. He let out a sigh. How in the world did he end up here, so close to touching her skin? Did he do something that satisfied the heavens above?

"Are you ready, Liu Shan?" Xingcai asked.

Liu Shan gulped. He did not care if this was the heaven's fault or not, if life gave him a beautiful woman with soft flesh to massage then by the gods' names he will massage it. "Y-yeah. Just the shoulders, right?"

"Mmhmm. And my arms too, please. They've been sore for a couple of days now and I haven't had the time to ask someone to massage them for me." She adjusted the robe slightly, pulling it down a bit more so that more of her shoulders were exposed. "I hope you don't mind."

Did he mind? Who WOULD mind? Certainly not him. "I'll try my best." He said instead, hoping he did not sound too desperate.

He rubbed a little bit of the soap on her shoulders, hoping it was a suitable alternative for massage oil before he began. His fingers knead into her soft flesh, gently at first and only getting firmer at Xingcai's insistence. His thumb traced circles towards her back while his fingers squeeze her shoulders. The pressure he put was consistent and only changed with Xingcai's instructions: _higher, lower, harder_. Underneath, he could feel her breath slow to match the speed of his caresses, her eyes fluttering shut. Her skin was as he imagined it would be, soft and delicate in the places untouched by many, growing rougher and courser as he got to the more readily accessible skin. A paradigm of the person itself and her ways. He loved the feeling of her body warmth on his hands.

Liu Shan had never had a massage before and so everything he knew were either from conversations he overheard or the various scrolls and books in the libraries that people thought the information valuable enough to record. The way it was described, it gave this feeling that it promoted sexual energy, heightening the carnal desires of the two parties involved. But he had to disagree with that statement. Despite the unusual circumstances and the underlying tension of the whole scenario, massaging Xingcai was strangely calming. Intimate, perhaps, but not sexual. Letting his fingers work into her skin, feeling her muscles relax underneath him, it felt liberating. She really did trust him a lot, Liu Shan thought.

Xingcai's face contorted suddenly when he pressed at a small spot between her shoulders and her neck. He did not have to be a genius to notice how much more wound the skin was compared to the rest of her. He pressed his thumb more firmly on the spot and Xingcai moaned loudly.

Liu Shan quickly shot his hands back. Why did he suddenly feel like such a pervert? He was _enjoying_ this."A-are you OK?"

"D-do that area more. Please." She whimpered.

Hesitantly Liu Shan complied. The small spot of flesh was doing something to Xingcai, her face contorting as she desperately tried to hide her groans of pleasure. There was a strange thrill to the sounds she was making. He placed more pressure, eliciting a louder response. She tried to stifle it by burying her moans into the towel supporting her head but its echoes could still be heard. His smile only grew.

Eventually Xingcai said, "Y-you can stop working on my shoulders. Could you please do my arms now?"

Liu Shan happily obliged, taking her right arm behind her and caressing her upper arm. Xingcai wasn't making sounds anymore. A sneaky grin grew on his face. "You know, Xingcai, I'm pretty sure everybody heard you just now. Heard you scream, that is."

"I was not screaming…" she mumbled unconvincingly.

He pulled on her arm a little bit as he remembered seeing it in a book. Xingcai did not say anything to stop him so he assumed he could continue. "Well I'm personally surprised you could make such loud screams, that is all. You've been silent and steadfast in the face of adversary, it's a little amusing to think that a small knot on your back could make you moan so loudly."

Xingcai blushed. "This does not happen normally."

"Ohhh, so there are _other_ things that can make you moan." He teased.

"L-Lord Liu Shan!"

His laughter rung clear through the walls as he continued his massage, saying nothing more as he kneaded the tired muscles in Xingcai's other arm. Much as he loved the soft feel of Xingcai's skin, massaging took out much more from him than he expected. Silently he continued on until Xingcai's back moved. He retreated back a little, knowing that his duty was done.

Xingcai slowly stood, adjusting her robes so that they hide her shoulders and arms, now red from his touch. Even her cheeks were rosy in colour. Appearance wise she looked no better or worse than before but there was a certain relief in her features, a slower, more relaxed approach to her movement.

His hands went up to scratch the back of his scalp. Wet hair slicked his hands with moisture. "I hope that was OK. I've never done this before."

"I can tell. But…you were pretty good." She rubbed her shoulders slightly, eyes closed for a moment in thought, or perhaps in remembrance. "…Very good, actually."

"R-really?"

"My brother was always clumsy at massages, my father only slightly better. Guan Ping was always too gentle, as if he was worried he would break me. And my mentors, they were not that great anyway." She smiled. "You were…better."

It was hard to believe that he of all people would have stronger hands than Guan Ping but considering the events that have occurred in the past month, nothing would surprise him anymore. Still, it's one thing to know it and another for Xingcai to acknowledge it. He felt a little bit of pride come along from her words, a small smile only meant for himself appearing from the cracks of his mask. "I really don't deserve such kind words, Xingcai."

She smiled and suddenly the air shifted and the world began to blur around him. It was a split second moment, something you had to work hard to see in order to capture. Her lips pursed, and her eyes gazed at him in wonder, sucking him in, leading him in. Was he aware that he was approaching her? That she was drawing him in? Not even he could tell. He was a bystander to his own body, watching as it gave a smile he never knew he could make, so bittersweet and subtle, so genuine. His breathing hitched slightly as he suddenly became overwhelmed from the feelings that were suddenly spilling out from his chest. The other side of himself was emerging.

In that moment he allowed the darkness to take over. Its words were the truth of his mind, truths he could hide no longer. "I…must admit I am not a confident man, Xingcai. If I was, I could have done many horrible things just now. Many… _many_ … unspeakable things to you." He breathed.

Her voice was but a whisper, shuddering from emotion. Fear? Excitement? "But you did not. And you would not."

"I know. But that does not mean I can't do horrible, unspeakable things, you realize. Maybe if I was more confident I could do much more, BE so much more. Be the person everyone wants me to be but…what if I'm not?"

Her fingers intertwine with the wet strands of his hair. "I don't understand, Liu Shan. Are you not you?"

His head tilted towards her hand so that she was now cupping his face. Why was he saying this now? Why can't he pretend anymore? Why doesn't he want to pretend? "I'm…not who you think I am. I'm not who anybody thinks I am. And I've accepted that, hid that away but…maybe I'm getting tired."

"Of pretending?"

Liu Shan guided her hand through his hair, let her journey from the ends down to the roots. Her touch was comforting and warm. "It's getting harder to pretend, Xingcai. These games of deception I have to play won't stop. Everything is spiraling out of control."

She caressed her skull, her eyes boring into his. Her thumb rubbed small circles around his temple and he could feel his body relax instinctively under her touch. His body craved her touch but he did nothing to coax her further. "Maybe you should stop pretending." She said, as if it were such an easy thing to do.

"If only I could," he sighed. "I'm not confident like you are."

"You think I am confident?" Now both her hands were in his hair, roaming through the dark strands. It was a horrible way of drying his hair but it felt better than it should have. He starved for her touch. "Maybe I'll tell you a secret, my lord, one I never told anyone."

He fought back the urge to close his eyes and melt under her fingertips. "W-what is your secret?" He croaked.

She smiled warmly as her hands traveled down to his cheeks so that he could not look away from her. Not that he'd ever want to. Their faces were so close he wouldn't want to pull away ever. "I'm…not that confident either, Liu Shan." Xingcai confided.

He chuckled quietly, trying not to breathe into her face. "It figures. I guess we're both hopeless."

"Don't say it like that, we have other things we are good at."

"Like what?"

She hummed in thought. "Like how good you are getting with your rapier now?"

"Like how beautiful you are?"

Her eyes slowly widened. She knew. This wasn't a comment meant to rile her up nor was it a teasing comment made for the sake of entertainment. His words were heartfelt and pure. There was weight and meaning to those words and it transcended a small sentence into an expression of the heart, rocking the foundations of their relationship. Slowly her hands retreated from his hair, rubbing the moisture off on the front of her robes. His reaction was sluggish, the meaning behind his words undecipherable for the longest time and by that time it was too late. Xingcai stammered a weak excuse to leave and wordlessly he followed her to the changing room. They did not care that their hair was still wet or that their clothes were not fitted properly. They had to change and leave quickly.

Once they found themselves outside, Xingcai did not move. She stood frozen on spot, uncertain as to which path she should take. Conflicted. The words had been said, a piece of his feelings admitted out loud and he could not take them away. Yet when Liu Shan approached her, she did not move away. Her vacant stare gazed towards the darkness outside. Subconsciously his arms clasped behind his back.

Xingcai started, "My lord, that was—"

"Inappropriate, yes, I agree." He shifted on his feet. "Sorry. For making you uncomfortable."

She breathed out deeply in an attempt to calm herself. Her blush was palpable. "You were just saying what was on your mind. The steam was just clouding our minds back there."

"Yeah…" he mumbled. Pretend that excessive exposure to hot steam worked as well as a truth potion. Sure. He could pretend that was true for her sake.

They turned to each other at the same time, looking away immediately after making eye contact. Moment before he felt like he could get lost in her eyes forever and now he was too afraid to look at her. He was afraid that he might say something more, say everything that was in her heart to her if he looked any deeper into her eyes. Yet he could not separate from her. He did not want her to leave. It was getting harder to let go.

"I just realized that we never had a proper dinner together, Xingcai. It's late, and I'm sure you don't want to go home starving."

"I'm fine," she replied. "Besides, we did eat dinner before, not even a week ago."

"That was not a proper dinner, you just happened to have two plates of food on your person, that is all. I suggest a proper meal, just the two of us."

She smiled to herself despite her hesitance. "I do not want to overwork your cook, my lord. It will be last minute notice, will it not?"

"Well I **was** supposed to have three guests for dinner but clearly, Sima Zhao has found other things to occupy his time. Either way, I will be eating leftovers tomorrow."

Xingcai giggled into her hand. "Then I suppose I should come along then. So you would not have to suffer the _horrible fate_ of eating the same meal twice."

"H-hey," he laughed despite himself. The two had naturally began to walk in step to Liu Shan's chambers, the awkwardness of before gone as they began to chat about all things mundane. Talking helped cut the tension. Talking was a mindless distraction from bigger issues and overwhelming emotions but it was much needed relief. Slowly he could see Xingcai unwind in their conversation, the flow of her words undulating effortlessly. He stopped talking, just allowed Xingcai to talk about whatever was on her mind. He could listen to her voice for hours on end. If only she knew that even her voice was beautiful.

Amidst the conversation, Xingcai's face suddenly fell and her eyes widened. "Liu Shan, I just realized you forgot your _mianguan_."

Despite knowing this already, he blindly put his hand to the top of his head. His hands returned to his side with nothing but water. "Oh, that. I couldn't find it earlier. I think a servant took it." He's pretty sure Sima Zhao wasn't stupid enough to steal it and risk getting arrested. Stealing anything from the emperor was enough of a crime to send you to prison.

"And your hairband?"

Liu Shan lifted up his right wrist, where he had wrapped the cloth. "I still have it. But I was in such a rush I didn't get to tie my hair up."

She gave his hair an appraisal, taking in every detail. Her voice was quiet, scared of being overheard, but it was loud enough for him to hear. "If we're both being honest, you look good with your hair down, Lord Liu Shan."

He could only begin to imagine how ridiculous he must have looked, a heavy coat and armour of royal thread, marred by his unsightly long hair adhering to his pale face. He really should have it cut. He never really thought his hair was especially nice when it was down, even less so when compared to the fine clothes he had to wear yet Xingcai still liked it. Xingcai, dared he say it, found it somewhat attractive.

When was the last time he could let his hair down in front of people? It was procedure for him to always keep a proper appearance. It was an emperor's duty to wear the finest clothes, wear the bulkiest crowns, and wear the soft unassuming smile. Now that he thought about it, the last time he could let his hair down—figuratively and literally—was a time so long ago that the memory had already degraded into hundreds and hundreds of scattered pieces. Maybe for her, he could finally let loose a little and be free to speak all of his mind. Maybe for Xingcai, he could be true to everyone. Including himself.

When they arrived at Liu Shan's quarters and sat themselves down for dinner, they ate and they talked. About the good and the bad, the horrors of war and the beauty of peace. Between food, wine, and good company, they spent the evening enjoying each other's company.

Even when his hair dried Liu Shan did not make a move to tie his hair back up. Just this once, he decided, he'll _forget_ to tie it back up. Besides which, he rather liked the way Xingcai looked at him when his hair was down like this.

Perhaps he should let his hair down more often. Literally and figuratively.

* * *

"Sooooo, what happened last night?" Sima Zhao prodded Liu Shan's side as soon as he approached the emperor the next morning. It was hard not to notice how radiant the Jin lord was.

"I'm afraid I'll have to disappoint you in that nothing interesting happened after you so _kindly_ left us in the baths."

"Yeah, well, sorry about that. Really. Thinking back on it, that might have been a bit extreme, even for me." The apologetic expression was short lived and the previous cheeky smile of before returned. "Well tell me you at least SAW something? You don't need to share the details, I just wanna know if you did or not."

Liu Shan shook his head.

Sima Zhao deflated a little. "Well. That plan was all for nothing."

Liu Shan chuckled to himself. "It wasn't all for nothing. After all, if it weren't for you, I wouldn't have heard of some especially interesting rumours I heard last night about the _guest_ baths. I heard there was a man and woman together in there making some _rather loud noises._ Supposedly they're not married either. What would their parents think of such an _adulterous_ rendezvous?"

Sima Zhao paled. "You…don't have any evidence it was us."

Liu Shan poked Sima Zhao on what little of his chest was still covered by a shirt. "Try a stunt like last night with me again, and I might consider having an _one-on-one_ conversation with Lord Sima Yi about you."

He gulped. "…I forgot you keep in touch with my father."

Liu Shan smirked. "Glad to see we have an understanding then."

Sima Zhao scrambled to match Liu Shan's pace as the emperor walked onwards with long, confident strides. He seemed awe-struck, as if he was seeing someone for the first time in his life. "Seriously though did something happen? You seem...confident."

Liu Shan could not pinpoint why but he did feel a change in his behaviour. He felt liberated, unshackled by the restraints that held him down, unencumbered by the mask that shielded his vision. His smiles felt like they held more meaning now. How long has it been since he removed his mask, he wondered to himself? Last night, he figured, somewhere in between exiting the spa and Xingcai leaving dinner. And yet since that time, since waking up, he could not put that mask back on again.

Once upon a time not that long ago, Liu Shan only saw darkness inside of himself. Pretending to be someone he was not for the sake of peace, that was the easiest way to get through life. But today he realized that it was not darkness inside of him. It couldn't have been, because when he opened up it was not dark feelings that had emerged but repressed. Feelings that had been squashed so deep down, they never saw the light. It was only a matter of time before it seemed like darkness from his view up top. These feelings he held still had innocence. Xingcai did not see them as dark, horrid feelings. She did not reject him when he opened up.

Liu Shan smiled to himself, fingers grazing over his cheek. He remembered the feel of Xingcai's hand there, remembered its warmth well. It was true that they were both unconfident people, scared of their own feelings. But maybe it was time to stop hiding them and to open up, bit by little bit. "It's a pity we are unlikely to see each other again for some time after you leave, Sima Zhao. I think I'm beginning to finally understand you."

Sima Zhao could only ponder for a second the meaning of the emperor's mystifying words before he was once again left in Liu Shan's dust.


	14. Eccedentesiast

_Yo everybody. It's been a month and a half but the new chapter is up. I would've thought that my motivation for this series would go up when the holidays started but turns out excessive eating and gifts can kinda clog up the creative mindset. Who would've thunk?  
_

_As of when this chapter comes out both Xingcai and Liu Shan's informal outfits came out and I'm...mixed. I mean, Xingcai's hot, no doubt, but Liu Shan is...well...eh. The robes are nice, it's just that they don't suit his baby face. Also now Liu Shan fishes in the newest (third) trailer...apparently. I had this in-joke on my tumblr that because Liu Shan canonically is very bad with animals that he'd also suck at fishing so to see Liu Shan fish successfully makes me...proud I guess? Like, go you, man who sucks with every other animal apart from fish apparently. You've already exceeded my expectations, Liu Shan. You really did. (Side note: I may or may not have been gaping at his backside for half an hour when he showed up on the trailer)_

_I will be having a mini-vacation from christmas to New Year's but I mean, it's only a week. I'm already making headway on the next chapter so hopefully it will come out next month at roughly the same time._

_Once again, I'm always super excited whenever someone likes or comments this story because honestly, I need constant validation that I'm NOT the only Liu Shan fan out there. Liu Shan needs love, Xingcai also needs love, and this author may not need it but it sure would be nice XD. So thanks to the old and new followers of the story, the casual onlookers and the hardcore fans. The DW fandom is pretty big despite how unknown the game is and hopefully we can come together bit by bit as the christmas season rolls in and Valentines' Day (when DW9 releases) is upon us._

_I don't own KOEI, Dynasty Warriors or Liu Shan. Although according to the internet, I own a Chevrolet, own three cats, and my husband is the guy who played Gomez Addams in the Addams family...none of that is true but if the internet SAYS it's true, well...OK_

Chapter 14: Eccedentesiast

Nobody expected the cold front to come in that day. When the grey clouds rolled in, bringing in both rain and an unexpectedly frigid rain, the topic of the weather was on everybody's lips. The religious and the fanatical called it an omen from _Xuanwu_ , the black tortoise. They proclaimed that it represented an attack from the North, the cold wintery wind coming from the North an obvious sign of the god's influence. The farmers found relief in the rain as it quelled their fears of a bad dry spell in the coming summer, reassuring them that they may feed their families a few more days. Those of the court held a darker view as with the preparations for the Jin guests' departure currently underway, they thought that this was a sign that allying with Jin would bring Wei's wrath along with it or, worse yet, that Jin would betray them.

To Xingcai however, it was merely a nuisance. Because it meant that she lost her only excuse to avoid today's date.

So far the men Xingcai had encountered were nice if not to her liking—barring the awful Bu Zhuo, that is— but the date her mother had planned for her today was one she had dreaded for weeks. She only ever knew the man in question as Lord Wen. He was a minor official of a small town, which meant two things: he was well off, and he was influential. Two things every parent would look for in their daughter's husband. But that was all that was good about him. Amongst his peers he had a reputation of ill repute. Rumours spread of his addiction to alcohol. His pale skin was said to be clammy and sweaty no matter the weather, and it was known far and wide that even in this society, where men dominated all society, that he was a misogynist of the worst caliber, abusing women who dare to look at him the wrong way. His reputation was almost as bad as Liu Shan's but the difference was that Xingcai knew Liu Shan was a kind and gentle man who truly thinks of his people above all else. The rumours about Liu Shan were false.

Lord Wen, however, was exactly as he was described to be.

Xingcai knew it was not a date her mother set up willingly for even Lady Xiahou has her reservations about Lord Wen and his reputation but it was out of duty that she even allowed Lord Wen the opportunity to court Xingcai. Ever since their first meeting, Lord Wen held an unhealthy interest in Xingcai and, hearing of her upcoming betrothal, insisted that a marriage was to take place. Lady Xiahou accepted on the basis of a preliminary meeting followed by an invitation to the betrothal ceremony where he is to compete for Xingcai's affections with the other men, knowing that it would be unwise to make enemies with Lord Wen, a man known for wreaking vengeance for the slightest offence. If only her mother knew of the way he looked at her, those sadistic eyes that desired to mold her to his liking. In his care, he would take great satisfaction in breaking her, physically and mentally.

Xingcai shuddered in disgust at the thought. She'd been steeling herself for when they meet again but in the process she was stressing herself out. She had the daylight to prepare for Lord Wen's return for when night strikes he shall come to her house for supper and to talk. If he was anything like the last time she met him however, he might try to attempt more than talk.

She relayed all the information about Lord Wen to Liu Shan at lunch who listened with care and responded in audible revulsion.

"I heard the rumours about Lord Wen but I did not think they were true." Liu Shan said. "I do not understand how ghastly men like that can get themselves to so high a power."

"You say that but I've never heard you say a thing about Huang Hao."

Liu Shan grimaced into his food. He looked around the room once, twice, only speaking when he had made sure it was devoid of other people. "You know perfectly well my feelings about Huang Hao." He growled, bitter memories emerging inside his mind. "He's a snake who craves control but he's very powerful in the courts. But if I just keep him under my thumb..." He grumbled under his breath as he ate.

"I hope for both our sakes you succeed. He's deceptively persuasive." Xingcai spooned some food into her mouth. As always, it melted in her mouth but refrained from moaning like she did earlier today. Beside her, Liu Shan made a strange face that he quickly hid by digging more fervently into his food. "At least Huang Hao's tolerable sometimes. Lord Wen gets abusive when he's drunk, and the few times I've seen him, he's always been drunk."

"Xingcai, just give me the word and I'll come and intervene if he tries to do anything to you." He lifted his fork from his plate to point at Xingcai. "I may not be as strong as Zhang Bao or Guan Ping but surely he will listen to the emperor. I will not let anyone make trouble for my bodyguard."

The corner of her lips quirked upwards. It was nice to see that he cared. She took another spoonful of food to her mouth, hoping it will hide her broad smile. "My family will be there so I should be OK. Although it would be good to have you around as an excuse to leave should it go wrong."

"You still have yet to complete your 'debt' to me, and now you ask for another favour?" Liu Shan laughed. "Of course I'll be nearby if you want me to. But why do I get the feeling that you don't want to repay your favour to me?"

"Because you've been awfully silent about what you want me to do."

Liu Shan stabbed a piece of meat with his fork and popped it into his mouth. "Well it's only because you said that last night's dinner did not count as a favour. I've had to come up with another one for you to do instead."

Xingcai leaned in closer to Liu Shan. "And what shall I have to do?"

Liu Shan smiled to himself, his eyes low but she could see that an idea was already forming. "Give me time to think something up, Xingcai. But I can promise you it will be soon." He took another bite from his food and swallowed before adding, "You know, Xingcai, I can always make an _official visit_. Nobody would argue if I come in to 'pay my respects for the dearly departed Empress Jingai and lord Zhang Fei', now would they?"

Xingcai raised an eyebrow. She may have been slowly coming to terms with her sister's death but that did not mean the rest of her family were. If Liu Shan came to her home to pay respects to her sister, both her mother and her brother would have a heart attack. "Perhaps you don't use that excuse, my lord. Might I suggest instead you take residence in the winery instead?"

"What would I say if somebody sees me in there, huddled amongst the wine? It's not the most pleasant place to be."

Xingcai giggled into her hand as she imagined Liu Shan crouched by the barrels of wine, his arms hugging his legs, rocking back and forth in waiting. "Maybe the winery is not the best place for an emperor to be after all. You're more suited to drinking wine after all instead of taking care of it."

Liu Shan grinned, holding an imaginary cup in his hand to toast towards Xingcai. "Everyone knows wine is at its best in good company. And you're the best company I know."

Xingcai scoffed with humour as Liu Shan delicately put away his imaginary goblet of wine to grab the very real and very hot cup of tea in front of him with less care as he did the imaginary object. His sips were slow and methodical, a small detail that she only noticed because Liu Shan insisted he teaches the correct way to drink tea as part of her 'etiquette lessons'. He claimed many of the snobbish nobility looked to how a person drinks as a judge of character. She had to admit, he certainly had the art of sipping down to perfection.

His eyes caught sight of something and he stopped. Suddenly, Liu Shan quickly placed the teacup down, panting with his tongue out. He waved his hand over his tongue and when he found it provided no relief he settled with waving his hand over the tea. It was all so bizarre and random that Xingcai looked at her lord with disbelief. There was no doubt he was clumsy at times but…was it just her or did it seem forced?

She turned around to see a pair of servants walk past behind her who were heading outside. Before they left they rolled their eyes at the emperor. Xingcai frowned as she took her attention back to Liu Shan who was now blowing into his tea. "Hot, is it?"

He smiled sheepishly. "Hotter than I expected."

Xingcai merely nodded in acknowledgement, taking a sip of her own from her lukewarm tea.

Was it her imagination or was Liu Shan nervous around people? He laughed and teased and grinned with his full fervor, this charismatic leader among men that only existed when they were alone and yet when someone passes by he reverted to his previous iteration, a shadow of his current self that smiled with his lips but not his eyes. Liu Shan changed in the company of other people. It was a slow discovery she made, another piece of the puzzle completed but it only raised more questions. Why does he change? Is this all a game of pretend? How long has he been doing this?

Which version of Liu Shan was she falling in love with?

Oblivious to her thoughts, or perhaps because he knew all too well her concerns, Liu Shan morphed once again once the servant had gone. She watched as his smile widened slightly and his back straightened. From a fool to a leader. What a change posture could have on a person, she thought.

"You look different today, my lord." She said idly, hoping it was enough of a conversation starter.

Liu Shan does something in between a scoff and a laugh. "You're only the second person that told me that today." He leaned in closer, head tilted to the side. "Didn't we agree that we were both changing?"

Her words made her recall that evening on the roof of the palace over a week ago. How the sunset dyed the sky orange, glowing like fire in his eyes that were so close yet not close enough. The moment she fell in love with him. "Perhaps," Xingcai mumbled, trying to hide the rising heat on her cheeks. "But today there's something strikingly different about you, my lord. In a good way, of course."

"You've changed too since last night, Xingcai. And I think I know why."

He leaned in close until his face was only a few centimetres away from her. His breath tickled the skin on her cheek yet she remained paralysed as he let two of his fingers sweep a strand of stray hair behind her ear. He chuckled to himself melodiously, unaware of the electricity creeping up Xingcai's spine.

"You seem a bit more…relaxed." He whispered into her ear.

Perhaps it was more accurate to say she was becoming more relaxed being so close to Liu Shan but it made the situation no less dangerous. She tried to stay still under his observing eye but the need to fidget became more and more desperate. Once again, she was coming undone before him, her mind trying to concentrate on something, the room, the plate in front of her, the birds faintly chirping outside the sunny summer sky but Liu Shan was all that was in her mind, clouding her thoughts. If only she could hold on, maybe this tension would go away.

His eyes go down from her eyes to the bottom of her chin as she swallowed. "Xingcai?" He said under his breath.

She could not help herself. She shivered in pleasure. From the corner of her eyes he saw his eyes widen in curiosity before his face leaned further forward, inspecting her so closely until there was barely space left between his skin and hers. She turned her head hesitantly, almost bumping into his nose in the process, and gazed for the longest time at his lips. His eyes closed and he looked as if he was ashamed but in a strange way it made him look cute. It's so easy to smile for Liu Shan. It's so easy to get lost in him. For the briefest of moments she wondered how it would feel to have his lips against hers.

And then the door opened, breaking the silence of the dining room. Quickly they separated from each other, she staring blankly into her food and he presumably doing the same. A different servant came in and with a well-practiced smile asked if she should clear away the plates. Xingcai could barely choke out a reply and so resorted instead to a wordless nod. The servant left as quickly as they arrived. The food was gone and the silence returned but it did not bring back the mood from before. She clasped her hands in front of her lap and she sat, upright and unmoving and trying not to betray her emotions.

After a minute has passed of silence, Xingcai cleared her throat loudly, garnering Liu Shan's attention, she hoped. She dared not turn her head and face him again. "I should…get going, my lord." She stated.

"O…oh. Yes, you…probably have to prepare for tonight."

She stood up and pretended she did not hear the disappointment in his voice. She cannot waver. Not now. "I hope you will be around tonight, Liu Shan. If he does try something on me, it would be nice to have someone I can depend on to help me."

"Someone to depend on, huh?" He murmured to himself. Louder, and with a wider smile, Liu Shan added, "I will be nearby, Xingcai. Just shout and I will be by your side."

If only he really could be by her side all the time. She remembered when she first learnt about her impending marriage that she could even begin to imagine the kind of suitor she preferred and now all she wanted was just Liu Shan holding her in his arms. Time was running short. Their time together was running short. She can only hope this feeling that she hoped to the heavens themselves was love and not just desperation. It's so very easy to imagine being together with him as his wife.

As she strode out of the room, Xingcai truly considered for the first time what it would mean to be the wife of Liu Shan. The more she thought about it, the greater the pain in her heart grew. Why couldn't she have figured out her feelings before this mess of a betrothal?

* * *

It was well into the afternoon by the time her mother was done with her. Her hair was brushed, unknotted, and woven into the various hair adornments her mother had chosen and prepared. Her lipstick was a dark rouge not unlike the colour of spilt blood but her mother was not fond of the macabre analogy her daughter made. Yet both mother and daughter could not deny that it made Xingcai look bold and beautiful, and it contrasted greatly with the pale makeup carefully applied to her face in such a way that you could not help but be drawn to her eyes and lips. Add in the dress specifically made for her and she could not help but be in awe of her own appearance. She never looked so beautiful before. She never felt so much like a proper woman before until now.

Lady Xiahou leaned forward to gaze at her daughter's reflection. "Do you like it?"

Xingcai nodded slowly. Her fingers traced over her cheek, heading downwards to the edge of her lips. Was this really her? Liu Shan had said so many times before she was good looking but she never really took much heed of it until now. The person in front of her reflecting in the mirror…she was stunning.

"I'm glad." Lady Xiahou smiled adoringly. "I wanted to get another lady to do your hair and makeup but I thought it might be too much for you. One of my friends gave me the idea to do your hair like this. They said it's becoming the new trend among the new generation apparently."

"Mother, I…isn't this a bit too fancy? This is only just a date with Lord Wen, you know I will not choose him as my suitor."

"I wanted to practice doing your hair and makeup for next week." She pulled a stray strand of hair away from her daughter's face. "Now I know you do not have the greatest opinion of Lord Wen but he has been a friend of your father's for the longest time and he is very influential. It'd be best if you could try and let him down gently."

The corner of Xingcai's lips dipped slightly. "Rejecting him won't be a pleasant ordeal. He does not seem like the type of man who will take a rejection easily."

Lady Xiahou took a brush and began to comb out Xingcai's hair one final time. Her gaze was vacant from the mirror. It was the look she gave whenever she thought about Father. "A long time ago, back when you were a child, Lord Wen had come in to surprise your father with a gift. I remember back then how soft his features were, he must have been no more than a few months past adulthood. And yet he treated us like we were part of his family. I remember how much he liked playing with you, Xingcai. The games you two had. It's a pity he's gone wayward in recent times but we must give him respect, at the very least to pay the debt of respect we owe him."

Xingcai opened her mouth, ready to explain to her mother her own account of her childhood. The lustful looks Lord Wen gave her that she did not understand then but knew she disliked. The weird 'games' he brought up that were his ploy to seduce her. Before he was a drunkard, Lord Wen almost certainly had indecent thoughts about children. But Xingcai said none of this to her mother. Her mother wouldn't understand what was wrong about Lord Wen anyway. He was too similar to father in all the wrong ways.

Blissful in ignorance, Lady Xiahou placed the brush down on the table in front of her and gazed deeply into her daughter's reflection. "You are beautiful, my darling daughter."

Xingcai could hear it, Liu Shan's words from last night. He's said she was beautiful so many times before and yet never before had he meant it so earnestly and so affectionately as that night. "Perhaps I am." Xingcai smiled to herself.

"Don't say 'perhaps', you ARE beautiful. You are an amazing daughter. Beautiful, graceful, smart, strong, those are just a few of the traits you possess." She sighed wistfully. "I will admit, I was worried when you had found yourself into the service of Lord Liu Shan as a bodyguard. It is one thing to play soldier with the other boys but it is another to fight on the battlefield. But I am glad he treated you well. The rumours about that man—"

"I've told you before to not trust the rumours about Liu Shan. He's a kind, benevolent man." Xingcai retorted defensively.

"I know," Lady Xiahou smiled imperceptibly. "And I know he means a lot to you. It is clear you care about him. But sometimes I cannot help but wonder how deep the bond you two share lies."

Xingcai stiffened. "What…do you mean?" She said in as even a voice she could muster.

"Well, for starters, a few weeks ago you accompany him while he is shopping and suddenly you now have two luxuriously made dresses custom made for you. And when you were trying to court that Wei official, Zhu Ling, I saw how happy you looked wrapped in Lord Liu Shan's coat. And all those times you accompany him for his training, you always return so happy and giddy, I could not even begin to count the amount of times I've caught you giggling to yourself." She shook her head with a laugh. "You try to hide it but I am your mother. I know how you normally behave."

Xingcai shamefully turned her head away from the mirror. "It's…it's not what you think."

For a second it looked as though her mother was going to reprimand her but then her expression softened and she smiled sorrowfully. "You know I have no objections with Lord Liu Shan personally and I respect your wishes to find true love but you must understand where I come from when I say I am concerned." Lady Xiahou blushed. "You…have not done anything to… _complicate_ your marriage, have you?"

It took a moment for the words to fully register in her head. A hand went up to her face to cover her reddening cheeks and the guilty smile creeping up on her face. "I-it's nothing like that, mother. We haven't…" She did not finish, worried that saying more will only confirm her mother's suspicions.

"Then are you saying they're all just coincidences? Am I to believe the emperor just bought you two very expensive dresses because you are his friend?" Lady Xiahou placed her hands on Xingcai's shoulders. "You can tell me anything, my daughter, I will not judge you."

As much as Xingcai tried to hide it, a small frown appeared. "Look, mother, I will not deny that I care about Lord Liu Shan a lot. And yes, we have been on friendly terms as of late but neither of us have done anything untoward with each other. We're not in a relationship. The dresses were a gift and the training truly is just training. We're just…friends."

How she had to cut her tongue so she did not spit out the word she never thought she would hate so much, _friend_. At least her mother did not seem to notice. Lady Xiahou backed away slightly so that Xingcai could finally stand. She went to a drawer from which she withdrew a pair of shoes. She knelt down slowly, her face grimacing in pain in her descent, and slowly she took the shoe to her daughter's feet. Xingcai instinctively rose her foot slightly.

"Mother, if I may ask, why are you so curious about my relationship with Liu Shan all of a sudden?"

Lady Xiahou pursed her lips. "I was just curious. I know the reason you wished to choose your suitor was because you wanted to delay your marriage for as long as you could but I always that was because you were attracted to Lord Liu Shan."

"R-really?"

She nodded as she took the other shoe onto Xingcai's foot. "You spend so much time around that man, even outside of your work time. So many of your stories revolve around him and the rumours about the two of you together…I know you say do not trust the rumours of the court but I hear it everywhere I go. Wherever he goes, you are there, and vice versa." The shoes now fitted, Lady Xiahou slowly stood, holding onto the dresser to support herself as she got up. "I am just saying Xingcai that your time with him is coming short. You will be married and you will be with child and by that time it will not be proper for you to be so close to him. If you truly desire him then tell him your feelings. Otherwise, prepare yourself to say goodbye."

Xingcai hugged herself. The soft tendrils of Liu Shan's touch on her arms, she could feel it slip away from her mother's words. "…Why are you saying this now? Even when I get betrothed, I still have time. Years of friendship won't just…go away."

Lady Xiahou's gaze suddenly went dark. "Nobody expects how different life is after you are married. Your family is no longer your family, you live in a house that is strange and foreign to you with a man who may or may not care about you and suddenly there are so many expectations to fulfill. Friends you love suddenly go through the cracks, the time together diminishes and soon they get lost in your past and your memories. This happened to me and I was so lost for the first few years until I gave birth to my darling children, including you, my shining star of hope." For the first time, Lady Xiahou looked like a proper noblewoman instead of the childlike façade she had kept for so long. Her smile was filled with pain. "Please, don't repeat my mistakes. You never know when your life will change so if there is something you want to say to the people you care about, you must do it now before it's too late."

Xingcai stared at the floor in silence. Would she lose Guan Yinping and Bao Sanniang as her friends? Will she no longer be able to spar with Guan Ping? Will Liu Shan no longer caress her shoulders with his hands and embrace her with his heart?

She thought about the words she would say to her friends and found that it was similar to what she planned on saying should she end up on a mission she knew was suicidal. In a way, marriage was death to her old life, where in the ceremony she would be reborn into a wife. And in a way, she was scared of losing all that she was comfortable and familiar with but now she feared the possibilities she might leave behind. Perhaps there was a fate where she could be with Liu Shan and everything will turn out fine but it seemed so far out of her reach. So far away from her.

Her throat clammed up as she spoke, her voice trembled with every syllable but she'd never been so sure of a statement before in her life. "I-I won't repeat your mistakes, Mother. I promise."

* * *

The two of them had lunch together, giving the two of them a chance to distract themselves and calm down. With a couple of hours still left before Lord Wen was expected to arrive, Xingcai decided to go out and do as her mother requested and tell her friends what they really mean to them. She had met Guan Yinping and Bao Sanniang and shared with them her gratefulness for their friendship. Guan Yinping smiled as sweetly as she could while Bao Sanniang teared up a little before slamming into Xingcai for a long, crushing hug. She wanted to find Liu Shan but after an hour of searching, even going so far as to ask his doorman for his whereabouts, all she knew was that Liu Shan had disappeared somewhere with Sima Zhao again and was unlikely to be in the palace. Guan Ping too escaped her search, leaving Xingcai alone with her thoughts.

It was strange to Xingcai how easily she could find those crucial words for her friends in what might be her last goodbye. The words just flowed. Her feelings were so easy to express and yet when thinking about what she might say to Liu Shan if she had to say goodbye to him, there was nothing. Perhaps it was because with her friends, it was simple. There were few sentiments and feelings she had about them and so it was simple but with Liu Shan she felt that there was so much to talk about, too much perhaps, and that there was no time left in the world to tell him how much he means to her. Certainly there was not enough time in a week. How was she to condense it all into a simple message he could understand?

She briefly thought of alternatives to tell Liu Shan what she wanted to say: writing, poems, dance. None of these seemed ideal however. As bad as Liu Shan's writing could be, hers was worse and she worried her message would be lost in translation. Poems were shorter, perhaps, but she was not so artistically inclined enough to pull it off successfully. And dancing, that was a laughable idea. She knew well that she had more grace on the battlefield than she ever did on the dance floor. Perhaps it was simpler to work with what she was more familiar with: a simple talk, just the two of them.

Xingcai had to tell Liu Shan face to face her goodbye but that meant revealing her feelings for him. Just the prospect of him knowing she loved him, it was frightening. _I'm not that confident either_ she had said yesterday to Liu Shan. She could recall in perfect clarity the little marks and scars on his arms and shoulders and how the water dripped down his backside. How her fingers knitted into his silken hair, his pleading eyes staring into her. She meant every word she said, she was not a confident person despite appearances. If only things were different and she could say whatever she felt like saying. If only she took a little more from her father in that department.

With no sign of Liu Shan or Guan Ping anywhere nearby, Xingcai went home. She helped her mother prep the dinner table and clean up the house and afterwards, Xingcai sat and waited for Lord Wen. Her fingers had smoothed over her dress hundreds of times as she waited.

Lord Wen arrived flanked behind by a bodyguard and his manservant. He wore a splendiferous robe trimmed with gold and laced with the green dragon motif of Shu. His cheeks were rosy and his smile warm and bright but his eyes were soulless and his face worn and ragged, victimized by the wrath of time. Perhaps he might have been a looker once in his youth but he was hardly anyone's definition of attractive now though he certainly did not look as menacing as he did when she was a child. In fact, he looked rather placid. She wasn't sure yet if that was a good sign or not.

His manservant handed him a bottle, which he then placed in Xingcai's hands. "A present for you, my lady." He said in a soft voice that never failed to catch her off guard.

"Thank you, Lord Wen." She said courteously, carefully picking up the bottle. Of course it was liquor.

Lord Wen shook his head. "For tonight, my dear, you can call me Wen Tong."

"Very well then, Lord Wen Tong." Xingcai moved to the side of the entrance and bowed. She was never going to call him that again. "Please, make yourself welcome."

He nodded out of respect before setting foot into the household, leaving behind his servant and bodyguard who stood in wait outside the door. Before closing the door, she peered outside, hoping to get a glance of Liu Shan but found nothing. She found it silly that Liu Shan would be waiting right now in plain sight of her but still she felt the pang of disappointment. She never knew how much she wanted to see Liu Shan today until Lord Wen arrived.

She sighed despite herself. Lord Wen's servant noticed and he cleared his throat loudly, startling Xingcai. He checked his surroundings warily before speaking. "Lady Zhang, I know this is not my place but…be careful with my lord." He whispered.

"What do you mean?" She inquired.

The servant did not say anything. The frown on his face as he stared at Xingcai was enough of an answer and it did nothing to calm her nerves. She shared one final nod before she closed the door, locking the servant away to stand guard by the door. She took a moment to collect herself by the doorway, breathed in once, twice. Despite this, she could not bring up a false smile to whittle down Lord Wen's defenses. She could only hope that she could at least look civil tonight, for mother's sake and for her family's name.

When she re-entered the house, Lord Wen he was in polite conversation with Lady Xiahou by the dining table. Zhang Bao stood in the corner of the room, his arms crossed as he observed Lord Wen intently. The topic seemed to be light-hearted at best but as the conversation went on, Zhang Bao's face slowly fell. Talk was light and Lord Wen was being pleasant enough but already Xingcai could feel the rising tension of the room choking the air.

Her footsteps echoed in the dining hall, signaling her arrival. The conversation stopped and Lord Wen looked upon Xingcai with fiery intent. His eyes did not leave Xingcai as he spoke to Lady Xiahou. "My lady Xiahou, I can see where your daughter gets her ravishing good looks from."

Xingcai turned her face away to hide the heat rising on her face. "I'm not that good looking, surely."

"And so humble too." Lord Wen laughed. "How time changes people. Why, I remember the last time I was here and your daughter was so small. Such a forceful, boyish brat of a child she was and now look at her, a beautiful blossom of a woman."

"Y-yes…I have changed since then." Xingcai's face fell. What was it about the word _change_ that now recalled a memory of the blinding sunset in her eyes, the roof tiles underneath her and Liu Shan's breath so close to her face. Remembering how close his lips were, remembering the rising feeling of bliss, it deepened the longing in her heart. Why do these memories only bring such sadness?

Lady Xiahou, sensing her daughter's discomfort, added, "My daughter Xingcai was, and always shall be, a shining star of hope." She smiled at Xingcai, hoping it will lift her spirits. "She has done many great things."

Xingcai let out a small smile at her mother's attempt to support her. "I suppose so."

"I've no doubt Lady Zhang has many accomplishments under her belt. As a woman, I understand that she is very capable." Lord We said.

"As a woman?" Zhang Bao piped in.

Lord Wen turned around, his eyes widening upon seeing Zhang Bao. He did not know Zhang Bao was there at all. He hid his surprise behind a nervous smile. "You know what I mean. A woman who is as smart as a man is already a rarity but to find a woman who is stronger than a man? Those are the true gems of society. But even then so many can lose their gifts at a moment's whim. Very few women can handle the responsibilities of a man, after all."

"Now wait just a sec—"

"Zhang Bao." Xingcai stomped her foot on the ground. She turned to Lord Wen and bowed. "Thank you for the compliment, Lord Wen. Your words humble me."

Zhang Bao mouthed a complaint but a stern stare from Xingcai kept him quiet. Lord Wen smirked condescendingly and for a second she could see the true man appear from among the cracks. The lecherous gaze he held long ago, it had not disappeared but strengthened in his absence. She could feel him ogle her legs for just a moment too long. She knew she was not imagining it. Lord Wen really was trouble.

Lady Xiahou gestured to the dining table. "If that is all, perhaps it is best we start eating, shall we?"

Lord Wen licked his lips at Xingcai. "Perhaps we shall." He purred.

It took a lot of willpower for Xingcai to not shudder in disgust.

The four of them took their places and sat down. Lady Xiahou sat at the head of the table where Lord Wen flanked her at her right hand side, Xingcai at her left. Zhang Bao sat opposite Lady Xiahou, his piercing gaze never leaving Lord Wen, who gulped nervously. Xingcai could not deny that her brother rattling Lord Wen was comforting but she knew the moments with her family would be few and far in between tonight. After they finished eating, she will be alone with Lord Wen.

She looked at the spread of food in front of her: a mix of soups, salads, meats, and more. Her mother had pulled out all the stops to impress Lord Wen and Xingcai was certain half the food was catered by someone else. Lord Wen ravenously dug into his food as though he had not ate for three days. Suddenly Xingcai did not feel hungry. She ate slowly, precisely, and was careful not to leave a mark on her face. Perhaps eating slowly won't do anything for her appetite but at the very least it can stall the inevitable. Really, that was all Xingcai could do until Liu Shan arrived. _If_ Liu Shan arrived.

There was no banter at dinner, not a word from a person's mouth. Food was shoveled into empty mouths and gulped down so that more food could refill it. Lord Wen attempted to break the ice in an effort to quell the silence but there was no response. The eyes of her mother and brother shone at her, their silent plea for Xingcai to talk but words had failed her, leaving it to her family to try and continue on the conversation in her stead. More than a few times Xingcai had caught Lord Wen's curious gaze staring at her face before travelling down her body and resting on her legs. At first Xingcai ignored his stares and continued eating.

Then she felt his hand on her knee.

Her back straightened suddenly and was of half a mind to slap his hand away but she remembered her mother's warning of being civil. Beside her, she could make out Lord Wen suppressing a smile. He leaned closer to her, his words just barely audible. "Keep quiet and be a good girl."

Xingcai grumbled under her breath but said nothing. Neither her mother nor her brother noticed her sudden discomfort. Their eyes were glued to the table, distracting themselves by sating their hunger. Underneath the table, Lord Wen's hand rubbed circles over the knee. Occasionally he teased the fabric of her dress with his fingertips, pulling the dress higher and higher. He smirked, more to himself than to Xingcai, and suddenly she wished she was dealing with the drunk Lord Wen. Alcohol made him predictable. Seeing him sober for what might be the first time in her life, Xingcai feared what the man had in store for her. He had a plan for her, and she was certain that plan would not be to her liking.

Lady Xiahou stood up and grabbed a pitcher of wine. She poured the drinks into everyone's cups, starting with her own, followed by Zhang Bao and Xingcai. By Lord Wen's side, she was about to pour the wine into his cup but suddenly she stopped, recalling his previous behaviour when drunk.

"L-Lord Wen, would you like a drink?"

His hand slid away from her knee, much to Xingcai's relief. "Not really, no." He all but growled, hoping it would send lady Xiahou away.

"Oh, are you sure? A glass will not hurt anyone."

"Please, I'd rather not. In my days of youth I had spent my days in a drunken haze and now I find that the drink does not settle easily within me. I nearly died because of it."

Zhang Bao asked, "How'd you almost die?"

Lord Wen leaned back into his chair and explained the incident in detail. How a rival had invited him for a drink and how his drink had been poisoned. How he had told the lord of the town of that incident and explained in great depths the subsequent execution. Xingcai reckoned it was his attempt at making himself into a more sympathetic figure but it only fueled the queasy feeling in her stomach. He was unnaturally gleeful when he mentioned his rival's death. Xingcai could only guess how much of his story was true.

Eventually dinner was ate and for a moment the room was filled with mindless, idle chatter. Xingcai could only savour the moment for a brief time before Lord Wen asked to speak to Xingcai in private and one by one, her family retreated into their rooms, her mother to her bedroom and her brother to the study. Almost as soon as the coast was clear did Lord Wen inch closer to Xingcai. His arm crept over her shoulders, pulling her body closer to him. Xingcai concentrated at the wall in front of her, giving no reaction. At first he talks of innocent subjects: what are her likes, her interests, her job. Soon however, the subject changed and Lord Wen darkened.

"Lady Zhang, just what is the reason for such a sudden engagement? It has not even been two months and yet you are to be engaged, unhappily together with your _betrothed_." He spat.

Xingcai flinched. "The same reasons why a woman will get married in these desperate times. Respect, money, power, these are but a few reasons."

"And yet you have been so adamant in refusing the wealthiest and most powerful of nobles for your own ideals."

Xingcai turned to Lord Wen, mouth agape. "You…"

"So I wonder, what is it you are after? Is it more than just wealth and power you are after? Or are you simply just running away from your responsibilities?"

"Get to the point," Xingcai snarled.

Lord Wen smirked. "We both know neither of us are the marrying type. So I'm thinking we satisfy each other's needs instead. A symbiotic relationship, if you will. I give you my support, and with it all the money and connections you and your family will ever need. And in return, all I ask for you is to _entertain_ me."

"And what kind of entertainment are you talking about?"

Lord Wen placed his hand on her thigh. "Oh, I think you know just how you could entertain me."

Xingcai brushed his hand away and stood up. "This is ridiculous, Lord Wen."

"Are you refusing my offer?"

"Why would I say yes? To ruin the sanctity of my marriage for a little extra money is despicable. I have been offered the hand of nobles far more powerful and wealthy than you."

Lord Wen grabbed her wrist. "But you already refused them, you stupid woman. All the suitors you have left are the bottom of the pile and the last on anyone's list. I can give you what your precious suitors cannot, and you can live your life in bliss with whatever peasant you want to marry."

Xingcai squirmed in his grip. "Let…go."

He tightened his hold, causing Xingcai to yelp. "I will not be denied, Lady Zhang. You do what I say or I'll make you and your family pay. Your name will be dredged in sewage when I am down with you."

Xingcai tried to pull her arm out but his grip was too strong. With his other arm, he slammed her into the wall, pearly whites growling at her. There was no room to maneuver. Her options were decreasing with every second.

"Or better yet," He smirked deviously. "I'll just take what is mine right now."

Lord Wen pushed Xingcai further into the wall, his hands roaming down the seams of her dress. Try as she might, she was fighting against Lord Wen's full weight and helplessly grasped at his shirt. He pulled her dress up, giving a brief glimpse into her underwear and his smile widened greedily. Xingcai needed help now, before it was too late. She needed someone to rescue her, someone she could depend on.

Without a second thought, she yelled loudly the first person that came into mind. "Liu Shan‼"

Lord Wen stared at her incredulously, shoving her harder into the wall. Xingcai's back stung from the pain. "Scream like that again and you will suffer."

"Don't you dare touch her!" A voice behind Lord Wen cried.

He barely had time to react before he was punched in the face. Staggering from the hit, he received two more blows to his stomach. His body was thrown onto the floor, his limbs no longer receiving his commands as he was pummeled violently.

Xingcai gasped. "B-brother?"

Bruises had already begun forming where Zhang Bao had hit Lord Wen on the jaw. Zhang Bao grabbed Lord Wen by the collar and pulled his head upward.

Lord Wen trembled. "Y-you will pay for this." He threatened meekly.

Zhang Bao snarled. "I don't care who you are or what you are, you touch my sister, or anyone in my family for that matter, and you will learn what true pain is. You try and defame my family, I will come to your house and beat you until you beg for the sweet mercy of death."

"T-the emperor…you will rot in prison." He squeaked.

"I invite you to try and petition to the emperor. But your reputation precedes you. And we have our own connection to him. So I suggest instead that you get out of my house and stay away from my sister if you want to leave without broken bones tonight."

Zhang Bao suddenly released Lord Wen's collar, his head recoiling hard back into the floor beneath him. He scrambled out of the room, not before giving Xingcai and Zhang Bao one more look of rage. When he slammed the door behind him, Xingcai let out a long sigh. She did not realize how long she had been holding on to that breath.

"B-brother, I…thank you."

"Don't worry about it. I'm just glad that creep's gone."

"Y-yeah…" Xingcai murmured as she smoothed down her dress.

The door opened again and Liu Shan entered in a panicked state. "Xingcai, did something…oh." He gasped. His eyes locked onto her arms, which she now realized were still red from Lord Wen's grip. She crossed her arms, hoping it would hide them.

"My lord…" She could not even begin to describe how glad she was to see him.

Liu Shan approached her immediately, tentatively placing his hands on her shoulders. Xingcai was ready to collapse in his arms but her racing heartbeat and the presence of her brother prevented her from doing so. "X-Xingcai, what happened? I…I saw Lord Wen leave in such a hurry, I was…I'm glad you're OK."

Zhang Bao frowned. "Lord Liu Shan, you were here? Didn't you hear Xingcai call for you?"

Liu Shan turned to Xingcai. "You…called for me?" Flustered, he stared at the floor. "I'm sorry. I didn't hear you Xingcai. If I came earlier then maybe—"

"Liu Shan, I am fine, as you yourself said." Xingcai insisted. "My brother found me at the right time. I dare not think what would have happened if he came in too late."

Liu Shan bowed deeply to Zhang Bao. "Then you have my gratitude, Zhang Bao."

Zhang Bao's eyes widened, taken aback by the emperor bowing to him, a mere general. His expression softened. "She's my sister. I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat."

Liu Shan nodded solemnly. "I know what you mean. I would also do anything for Xingcai."

Redness crept up her face. It was such a nonchalant statement, expressed with the same mellow tone of voice he had always used and yet it caused Xingcai's heart to flutter regardless. She stared at Liu Shan for what felt like the longest time until she broke into tiny, nervous chuckles. Liu Shan followed suit, his hands returning to the side of her arms. It felt so natural for his hands to be there. It felt right, being this close to Liu Shan, gazing lovingly into his eyes. She embraced this silent moment together, breathed in his essence that now smelt so comforting and familiar, but as quickly as it came together it disappeared. A look of fear flashed in his eyes and the warmth in his smile faded. Liu Shan slowly drifted away from her.

Out of a daze, he glanced at Zhang Bao then back to Xingcai. "I should…probably leave you two. You both had a long night and it is late."

"Why don't you stay for tea, my lord?" Xingcai said quickly, not wanting him to go so soon. "I can't imagine how long you were outside waiting for me."

His hands retreated to his side, leaving only the ghost of his fingertips still warmly imprinted on her skin. His lips quirked up but in his eyes there was nothing but sadness. "I shouldn't intrude. An emperor in the home of a lady uninvited, it is quite rude. But hopefully I can see you tomorrow?"

Xingcai put her hand over her mouth to hide her grin. "Of course, my lord. I'll see you tomorrow then." Before she could stop herself, she added, "And…thank you for being here anyway. I appreciate it."

He bowed again, hiding the smile creeping up on his face. "Goodnight Xingcai, Zhang Bao."

Liu Shan left the house, leaving the two siblings together. It took a few moments after he left for Xingcai's smile to retreat back into a stoic expression. She would have thought she would be upset Liu Shan did not hear her, frightened maybe on what might have been had her brother not intervened. Instead she felt relieved upon the sight of the emperor. She was relieved that he kept his word and stayed guard, even if it was her brother that saved her.

"Eccedentesiast." Zhang Bao murmured.

"Excuse me?" Xingcai asked.

"Eccedentesiast." He repeated. "It's one of the words Guan Xing was practicing writing. He told me the word basically meant someone who hides their pain behind a smile." He added, "I always thought Liu Shan had something off about him, I just didn't think it was his smile."

Xingcai wanted to reject the possibility—Liu Shan, fake? His smile was gorgeous and warm and his words were kind and caring. Such a benevolent man could not be fake.

"You care about him…don't you, sis."

She didn't even realize she was frowning until her fingers touched the corners of her lips. "Yeah…" She admitted. "I…I think I love him. More than just a crush, at least."

Zhang Bao nodded in understanding. "You should tell him then. Before it's too late."

Xingcai shook her head. "He's already gone home. Even if I run and somehow don't make a fool out of myself, I would not be able to catch him."

"You have tomorrow, Xingcai, he just asked to meet with you." Zhang Bao turned to the door. "I wouldn't be surprised if he asked you out."

It was a ridiculous thought to imagine Liu Shan declaring his love for her, in her mind there was no way the emperor would ever care about her romantically. Still, just thinking about it brought a smile to her face. "I'm sure he doesn't think of me in that way."

"How do you know?" Zhang Bao asked.

"Because I am the sister of his deceased wife. Because I am only his vassal, a glorified bodyguard to the emperor who is expected to support her master in any way she can. In his world, I am his confidant and his friend. Nothing more."

Zhang Bao frowned sympathetically. "No, don't say that, sis."

"Even if he reciprocates my feelings, I'm…I'm afraid I'm rushing into this relationship. I want to say that I truly love and care for him but there's this voice in my head, this doubt I have. Do I love him because I care and trust in him, or do I love him because he's the man I could tolerate the most in a marriage? Am I just fooling myself into loving him just so I can get out of a marriage?"

"Xingcai, you're going to be rushing into a relationship anyway. Look, I…I want to say that things will be alright and that the feelings you have are genuine but I don't know because you never tell me these kinds of things. The truth is, I can't honestly say if you truly love him or not. But what I can say is that if your gut is saying there is a chance that you will be happy with him, a chance that he is the one for you, then I say you have to act on it. You've only got one marriage. One chance. I won't let you throw away what might be your only chance at happiness."

Xingcai looked down at her feet, cheeks flushed with shame for not admitting earlier to her brother her feelings. She felt so foolish for bottling it up. "B-but what if…?"

"What?" Zhang Bao asked.

Xingcai took in a shuddery breath. "…W-what if he doesn't like me that way? What if my feelings are all for nothing?" She squeaked.

"At least you have a chance, Xingcai." Zhang Bao smiled sorrowfully. "If we're both being honest here…don't tell mom but I might have a bit of a crush on Guan Xing. Well…actually a BIG crush. Like a big, BIG crush."

Xingcai's eyes widened. "T-that's not natural. I mean…I-I know a man can love a man and I understand but not everyone's going to accept it."

"I know, I know. It's not that I don't like girls or anything but the only one that felt special was Guan Xing to me." Zhang Bao sighed sorrowfully. "But unlike you, I know I don't have a chance. Guan Xing's as straight as an arrow and unlike me he definitely doesn't harbour any feelings for me, or any other man for that matter. There's this girl he's been getting cozy with recently and he's been telling me about their dates."

"And you didn't tell him your feelings?"

"No, I just didn't think it was worth it. I don't know how well he's going to take it, knowing his best friend is in love with him. I don't even care if he doesn't reciprocate, I just don't wanna lose our friendship because of it." He steeled himself. "But I'll tell you what. You ask out Lord Liu Shan tomorrow and _maybe_ I'll consider doing the same with Guan Xing. Deal?"

Xingcai rolled her eyes. "This isn't a fair deal, brother. Why do I have to do it? It sounds like you've harboured these feelings for months now, if not over a year."

Zhang Bao smirked. "And you haven't?"

Xingcai bit back a retort, and in doing so ended up stuttering a mess of words that resembled no language that had ever existed. Perhaps, now that she knew her heart, certain words and actions she had said and done around Liu Shan might have suggested an attraction towards him. It scared Xingcai a little that if Liu Shan had not offered to guide her into the world of courtship and dating, she might never have understood her feelings. She could have gone her whole life not knowing that what she was feeling was love. "Y-you make a good point, brother." Xingcai blushed.

Zhang Bao chuckled warmly, nowhere near as loud as boisterous as he normally did as he let his heart fill in the silence the volume could not fill. "If you _really_ want me too, we can make a promise now. By the end of this week we both admit our feelings for the man we cherish."

Xingcai giggled behind her hand. "Deal. I'll do it tomorrow and you will do it…whenever you think the time is right."

She was about to head to her bed but her brother stopped her. "Hey, uh…before you go, Xingcai, I just wanted to say…thanks. For telling me. You know that however it goes, good or bad, that I'm always there for you, right?"

Xingcai smiled. "I know. And I'm sorry for not telling you sooner. You know I've never been good with expressing my feelings and for so long I didn't have the words to describe it to myself. I thought I'd just make a fool of myself trying to tell you when I couldn't figure out how to tell myself."

"You can say that again. But I'm happy. You've been taking care of me too many times for me to count, at least let me act like the big brother for once."

"I'll try." Xingcai said truthfully.

The two of them left the dining room. Xingcai was about to retreat into her bedroom but she stopped before the door. She looked behind herself and saw that the door of her mother's bedroom was slightly ajar. A face was barely visible from the darkness, the glistening eyes stared back at her with joy, the smile was palpable. Into the solitude of her bed she retreated, planning the different ways she could confess her feelings, reciting over and over silently " _I love you_ " until sleep had overwhelmed her.

* * *

Liu Shan and Xingcai met in the courtyard for his morning exercises. She was aware of how suddenly and explosively her lord could evolve but today was the most surprising of all. From the moment she saw him, Liu Shan was radiant in confidence. His expressions were loud and expressive, completely unlike the calm humbleness he normally portrayed. He smirked and grinned and laughed so much it was a wonder his mouth wasn't already getting tired. It was clear that he had little plans for training from the playful remarks and his immodest smirks he employed but Xingcai indulged him for once. He seemed a new man in front of her, a better man. She wasn't going to let this opportunity to explore this side of Liu Shan slip through her fingers.

That was not to say that Xingcai herself wasn't feeling a little giddy herself. As if intoxicated in his presence, she said many things she would dare not say under different circumstances. Little compliments here and there, hints to her affection that were not excessively overt but still embarrassing enough that Xingcai dared not admit them until now. A jestful jab about the messiness of his hair bun which Xingcai was falling more and more for, a remark about his ever increasing strength. The thrill of the competition, the ache in her heart to spill her emotions so painful that it physically ached, it emboldened Xingcai. With every word he said, Xingcai opened up bit by bit to him.

So it was of no surprise that what had started out as morning training devolved into a messy skirmish. They fought in a playful way in which the goal was to use their weapons to elicit a response from the other. Sometime during the fight Xingcai had stopped keeping score. She did not care anymore, did not care about how sloppily Liu Shan was fighting or that there was now a distinct possibility she might lose. All she cared about was the moment, drinking in every detail, knowing in the back of her mind that this moment together as friends might be her last.

She missed an attack, leaving her wide open. Liu Shan grabbed her with his off hand and tried to push her but she pre-empted this move and pulled him. Off balance, he stumbled forward and fell forward, taking Xingcai with him. He lied on top of her, not moving, his stare transfixed on her body. Whatever strength she had to push Liu Shan away had long faded. Her breathing slowed as the blood rushed into her face. She fought back the urge to sift her hand through his hair and inhale his scent and whisper those maddening words stuck on the tip of her tongue. _I love you. I love you_. Not yet, she decided, the time was not now.

"I think that was my win, Xingcai." He smiled broadly.

"Indeed it was." She agreed, barely hiding how impressed she was.

"Well that's a historic first for me, is it not? Emperor Liu Shan's first win against the shining star of hope, Zhang Xingcai. I think I deserve a prize." He waggled her eyebrows at her.

She licked her lips imagining all of the ways she could reward Liu Shan, some innocent, others scandalous in nature. Not that she'd ever have the courage to be scandalous though she was enjoying the feeling of having captured Liu Shan's attention, if his blush was any indicator. "Perhaps you do, Liu Shan. Anything you have in mind?"

Her words must have came out more seductive than she imagined because Liu Shan flushed brightly. He shook his head slightly, removing most but not all of the redness on his face. "I-I was thinking of asking you to accompany me today, actually."

Xingcai giggled. "I always accompany you. That's not a prize."

"Maybe not, but I meant after your shift is over, around sunset maybe we could meet here maybe? Or perhaps the usual place in the royal gardens. Whichever you desire."

"Is there a special reason you want me all to yourself?" Liu Shan flushed harder, and Xingcai giggled once more. "I think the gardens are better. I'm assuming there's a reason you want me to meet you there."

Liu Shan smiled to himself. "I've got an important announcement for you. Something I have to get off my chest now that I finally have the gall to tell you."

"You won't give me a hint as to what your important announcement is?"

His finger trailed down Xingcai's cheek to her jaw and she shivered from his touch. He smirked widely. "All I will say is that if all goes well, it'll be very good news for the both of us."

Finally Liu Shan lifted himself off and stood up, not before offering Xingcai a hand. Their hands lingered in each other's grasp. All of the training with Liu Shan, all of the dates, it all came down to this ultimate test. Winning the affections of the man she truly cared for. His thumb rubbing circles into the back of her hand served as a reminder to Xingcai of what she was fighting for.

"But until that time, Xingcai, I believe we have an entire day to enjoy ourselves. And I do not know about you but I am quite famished after a long day's workout."

Xingcai smirked knowingly. "If you are trying to get out of our proper training session later this afternoon, you are not succeeding. I wouldn't call twenty minutes of flailing your arms around training."

"Have you tried flailing your arms around for twenty minutes? You'd be surprised how much energy you use up."

"In the heat of combat, you are supposed to conserve your energy which is why you don't see much flailing arms. Not many soldiers have much stamina to use up all that energy."

Liu Shan smirked. "For you, I have got plenty of stamina."

Xingcai elbowed him in the arm, stifling her own laughs. Indecent jokes like that were going to be the death of her. It only rose her expectations of something _more_ occurring.

At Liu Shan's insistence, they ate breakfast in his private dining room where they were both catered on by his personal chef. In what felt like only minutes, a servant arrived bearing both of their dishes: steamed buns with a variety of fillings. Though she was surprised that Liu Shan would opt for such a simple breakfast since she saw the emperor give no prompt to his servants for what he desired for breakfast, she could not deny it smelled delicious. She was fortunate that there were plenty of steam buns to go around. Liu Shan was not lying about being famished. Xingcai was content in chewing her food slowly.

After they ate—not before they both gave their compliments to the chef—Liu Shan led Xingcai on a tour of the palace. It was different from the tour she gave Sima Zhao and Wang Yuanji for it was more personal in nature. He had first taken her to his father, Lord Liu Bei's study where he recounted the memories of the past, so bittersweet. Then they went to a noble's market, a small area within the palace where only the finest of artisans presented their work in exchange for patronage. They took the time to admire the creations before them. Neither of them were very good art critics judging by the exasperated expressions the artists gave. Liu Shan reassured her that the ability to critically examine art was fortunately not a common subject among the nobles. The sigh of relief that came out of Xingcai's mouth elicited a small laugh from the emperor.

They had lunch and tea together, their afternoon training had been completed, and for their final stop Liu Shan led her to the peach tree planted by their fathers. She was surprised when all of a sudden Liu Shan knelt down into a prayer in front of it.

"What are you doing, my lord?"

"I'm just..." He let out a shaky breath. "…asking for permission."

Xingcai knelt down beside him. "For what?"

Liu Shan smiled distantly at the tree. "I like to believe that a bit of my father's spirit is inside this tree. Perhaps it's silly but I want to pray to him and ask him to bless me and my future. No matter how I feel about him personally, he at least deserves to know my thoughts every now and then."

Xingcai nodded slowly. She could already hear her father's voice complaining that there's not enough liquor in heaven, that having a piece of his spirit stuck in a peach tree made him look girly. She suppressed a smile. "You never really mention Lord Liu Bei much, do you…"

"The man my father is to his people is nothing like the man he was in private. He had long lost the true meaning of benevolence in the foundation of his country. With every follower he obtained he gave them a bit of his humanity." He looked up at the tree. "If he could hear me now, I'd also tell him that he sucked as a father."

Fire had engulfed his eyes, as if daring the tree or the ghost of Liu Bei to take action at this offence. Neither gave Liu Shan a response. Xingcai stifled a giggle as Liu Shan sighed, disappointed.

"No matter how much he has hurt me I know deep down he cared, albeit in a cruel, heartless way. And I think he deserves to at least be remembered. Perhaps this time he will know what truly lies within my heart."

They both bowed their heads down in prayer. Xingcai hoped her father's spirit was also somewhere in that tree. There was only one thing she wanted to say to her father's spirit now. She wanted his blessing for her union with Liu Shan. Nothing was going to stop her today, she thought, and she hoped maybe in spirit he could put everything in place. For once maybe he would support her, even if it had to be in death.

She briefly rose her head and peered at her lord by her side, wondering just what it was that Liu Shan asked his father permission for? Xingcai briefly entertained the idea that it was related to their meeting later this evening and it only made Xingcai more certain that perhaps Liu Shan really was going to confess to her. A more rational thought, her mind supplied, was that Liu Shan had finally stopped from the grieving period, and that he was now ready to choose a woman as a suitor himself. It was a sobering thought to imagine Liu Shan with another woman. Xingcai hoped that if it was the latter, she could convince Liu Shan somehow that she would be a suitable candidate for his affections.

They silently rose, eyes fixed at the great tree in front of them. The sun was beginning to lower down the horizon. In just an hour, Xingcai was to meet Liu Shan in his private gardens. Now was when Xingcai's duty officially ended and a different bodyguard came to Liu Shan's side. There was one duty that Liu Shan had to perform, one that Xingcai had no knowledge of but one that he claimed was only for the highest powers to hear. He left with the bodyguard, leaving Xingcai alone with the peach tree. She did not stay, giving a final farewell to her father's spirit. With nothing to do, she decided the best course of action was to wait in the private gardens.

There, Xingcai was alone with nothing but the flowers and her own thoughts. In all of the courtship training she had received, this was the one thing she had not been taught and one she sorely wished she had: confessing.

She paced around the royal gardens in a loop, wondering how to broach the subject of her growing feelings. Was it best to keep it casual? _Hey, Liu Shan, I just wanted to let you know that I really like you a lot. If you'd marry me, that would be cool._ No, that did not sound right. Something a bit more romantic? _Liu Shan, you are my shining star of hope and I want to be by your side for the rest of my life._ No, it was too contrived. It didn't sound like it was from the heart. These words had to be special.

Oh, if only she had a barrel of wine by her side. When she was intoxicated she was far more confident than when she was clear-headed. If it would help her forget the embarrassment she felt right now, that would be a welcome bonus.

Swimming in her thoughts, she did not notice the man in her path and bumped into him hard.

"Ooof." He cried.

Xingcai hastily bowed. "I-I am so sorry…Guan Ping?"

Guan Ping rubbed the back of his head, laughing nervously as he did so. "X-Xingcai! What a coincidence meeting you here."

"You should not be here, Guan Ping! These are the royal gardens!" She quickly scanned her surroundings. No person in sight. I guess that's good. If there was anyone else around, they'd say something. Probably they'd ask her about why she had been pacing for thirty minutes now.

"I made sure no one saw me coming in here." Guan Ping reassured. "I know the crime for trespassing the emperor's grounds without permission but I had to talk to you."

Xingcai frowned. If Guan Ping went to such lengths to see her, it had to be something important. At the same time, she did not want to be late when Liu Shan arrived. Outside of training, Liu Shan was punctual. Xingcai scanned the grounds once again. "Does it have to be now?"

Guan Ping shook his head. "I REALLY need to tell you now, before I lose my nerve."

Xingcai stared at the lone tree in the center where Liu Shan would normally nap. Soon enough he would arrive by that tree and he would tell her his big announcement and she would tell him her feelings. Hopefully she'd get back in time. "Fine," Xingcai relented. "But please make it quick."

Guan Ping smiled just a touch too wide as Xingcai followed him to a more secluded corner of the garden nearby the eastern entrance. The roof's shadow just about reached their feet, shielding their eyes from the setting sun. Xingcai was concerned about the choice of location. If Guan Ping wanted privacy, the place where they were both standing earlier was probably the most secluded area in the palace outside of a person's own home. There were other places that offered better protection from the sun. The setting seemed to be a deliberate choice but Xingcai could not fathom the reason.

There was also something off about his behaviour too. Guan Ping was normally nervous around her—a fear of girls, Xingcai had come to believe over the years—but he was very highly strung today, more so than normal. His hands fidgeted around one another, neither coordinated with the other into an acceptable hand position, ultimately leading to his arms flopping down to the ground. He rocked on his heels back and forth, a single sweat bead gliding down his cheek.

After a moment of uncomfortable silence, Guan Ping spoke. "Is there anybody that you like?"

"W-what?!" Embarrassed from her outburst, Xingcai cleared her throat. "What…what prompted this question?"

"I-I'm just asking. Because if you don't then maybe you don't mind me being together with you?" He smiled nervously.

Xingcai nearly choked on her own words. Where was this coming from? "G-G-Guan Ping, I—" Her eyes flitted across her surroundings, searching for something to concentrate on, anything but Guan Ping's eyes. Then she saw it, the beads of an imperial _mianguan_ behind the stone pillar. _Liu…Shan?_

"Xingcai, please." He clasped his hands on top of hers, taking Xingcai by surprise. She could feel how clammy with sweat they were. They weren't as warm as Liu Shan's. He took in small, shallow breaths that shuddered with every exhale. Determination filled his eyes. "L-look, I know we were just friends—ARE just friends—and I've said before so many times that there was someone I cared about but I've never had the confidence to say that it was you that I longed for. For years we have been working side by side, testing each other's limits, training to reach our peak. I trust you with my life, Xingcai, and I-I'm risking your trust and friendship in the hopes you'll hear my heartfelt plea. Xingcai, I-I…I love you, and I will be the happiest man in the world if you'd let me marry you too."

Liu Shan stirred behind the pillar, leaning further so that he could see. His eyes locked with hers. What did Liu Shan see when he gazed upon her face? Did she look as distraught as she felt? There was no joy left in his dark irises. No soul.

"B-but you don't have to answer right away." Guan Ping stammered. "I-I know it's a…well, it's a lot to take in. S-so if it's necessary, I'll take whoever you choose as a suitor as your answer on the day of your betrothal. Unless you…know already how you feel about me?" He smiled sheepishly.

Liu Shan opened his mouth as if he were to say something. _Now_ , she pleaded in her head, her eyes boring into his, _if you really love me and if you really care about me, you'll object._ But Liu Shan gazed down at the ground beneath him, the corner of his lips creased downwards. _Liu Shan…please._ She desperately telepathically communicated. She prayed to the gods that he would hear her thoughts and know how deep her devotion was, how much she wanted him to be the one to confess. Instead he returned back into the shadows, still present but unseen once more, not before she saw the faint traces of a repressed scowl.

She should have known, she reasoned with herself, it really was not to be with him. But it was fine. Her best friend, Guan Ping, had just confessed to her. Sure, he may only be an adopted son of Guan Yu but he still carried the respect and name of the family. And he was awkward but he was also nice and thoughtful and he was sure to support her in marriage. And yet her throat clamped down painfully as she swallowed and her heart held a dull, dull pain and she wanted to cry so badly but she couldn't. She had to think of her mother.

She'll let her brother win this bet for once. "G-Guan Ping," She said, grasping his bandage-covered arms. "I think you deserve an answer now. There is no better time than the present."

Guan Ping tried to play aloof but she could tell he was barely containing his excitement and fear. "Y-yeah?"

Xingcai gazed at the pillar where Liu Shan was hiding behind, hoping that he could still see her face. She spoke louder than before, hoping that Liu Shan could hear her. "There are people out there who shame you for being the son of a man who seemed like a god. I know there are those who doubt your abilities but I know you are stronger than you think you are. On your shoulders you carry the hopes and dreams of tomorrow but I know you can carry them."

Liu Shan poked his head out again. Their eyes connected. Perhaps this time Liu Shan would understand what she was saying. She kept her gaze unwavering, focused on nothing but the emperor in front of her.

Xingcai continued. "You've always had my respect and my trust. Which is why I say to you now that there is no other person I want to be with more than you. And I would happily agree to marry you if you ever find it in your heart those very words."

Xingcai barely saw Liu Shan's jaw drop before Guan Ping pulled her into a tight hug and swung her around his body. She reciprocated with a hug of her own, partially out of guilt and partially to maintain her balance. When Guan Ping finally set her down, he leaned in to kiss her but stopped mere centimetres from her lips and retreated. His hand returned to the back of his head as he was now intently preoccupied with a chirping bird. "T-that was too quick, wasn't it? I-I mean, you reciprocating and me hugging you and then the kiss I…" He took another shallow breath and broke out into a giggle. "I'm sorry, Xingcai, I'm just so…so happy! I don't' know what to do, what to say!"

"Guan Ping, it's fine" Xingcai reassured. "You can kiss me if you want."

"Really?! I-I mean…oh. Sure." Xingcai giggled under her breath as Guan Ping approached her once more. His hands cupped her face so gently it was as if he was holding a flower. She could feel his pulse racing from his fingertips and willed her eyes to close once she felt his breath on her face. When his lips finally, hesitantly, kissed her, Xingcai did not react. It was surprisingly gentle and sweet, the nervousness he felt seemed to have been swept away in the moment. After what felt like a minute, Guan Ping retreated once more, his lips brushing past hers one last time.

When she finally opened her eyes, Guan Ping grinned from ear to ear. He never looked so happy, so relieved, and so blissful in Xingcai's memory. It fueled Xingcai's guilt. Guan Ping was not a bad kisser but she still didn't feel the shuddery sparks she had when Liu Shan was by her side.

"W-was that OK?" He whispered.

Xingcai nodded. "It was not bad." She said truthfully.

"Well if I have your permission, I'll make sure there's more in our future."

Xingcai and Guan Ping chatted a little longer about how the betrothal was going to work. Now that they agreed to marry each other, there was the matter of the party itself and notifying their parents. Ultimately it was decided that it will be better and easier to explain if people thought he confessed on the day of the betrothal party and Xingcai agreed then. The party will still go on as planned until the day arrived. When Guan Ping finally left for his next shift, there was a small skip in his step, a lightness in him that Xingcai had never seen before. It was probably the happiest day in his life. Too bad Xingcai did not share the same sentiment.

Xingcai approached the stone column where Liu Shan had been hiding. He hadn't moved at all. Only when Xingcai was right in front of him did he finally react, his head shifting slightly to meet her gaze.

"Xingcai." He said stoically.

"Liu Shan," Xingcai's eyebrows furrowed, "I know you saw what happened."

"…yeah, I did." He replied. "I'm sorry for spying on you."

"You didn't say anything." Xingcai could not quell the bitterness in her throat. "You saw I was in distress, you were right there and I needed you to save me. But you didn't…"

"Well what do you expect me to say?!" He lashed out. "Do you want me to banish Guan Ping from asking you out? Do you want me to break a guy's heart because you don't have the guts to do it?! Try as I might, I can't be your protector."

"Y-yes, you can!" Xingcai interjected.

"No, I cannot." Liu Shan affirmed. "You know what I learnt today? I've given you false impressions on what I am. I've made myself out to be someone capable, someone you can depend on but I am not that person. You believe me to be so much more than I am and every single time you do, I disappoint you. So from now on, no more games, Xingcai."

No. This can't be it. "What…what are you saying?"

His scowl slowly transformed, his face relaxed until he smiled at her, his eyes cold and lifeless, full of sadness and sorrow. The smile of someone trying to hide their pain. The old Liu Shan. "I'm just a simple fool, Xingcai, always have been and always will be. I'm sorry for deceiving you."

Xingcai's eyes widened. "N-no! Don't smile at me like that, you have to be hurting too. You're better than this, Liu Shan. Don't listen to the people who brought you down in the first place."

Liu Shan shook his head lightly. "If you are worried about me, trust me, I am fine." He smiled airily. "Look, I am happy for you and Guan Ping. I admit, I've known for a while Guan Ping's feelings for you but I wanted to respect his privacy. I think you both would make a great couple. Is he not everything you would want in a man?"

_But he's not you_ Xingcai morosely thought. She hugged her body tightly. Liu Shan only gave a tranquil smile.

"Xingcai…?" He asked when she gave no response.

"T-then why did you ask me to come here? You said you wanted to tell me something."

Liu Shan paused for a moment, idly staring at a wall before replying, "I was about to organize you on a special date with someone tomorrow but now that I see that you have chosen Guan Ping then there is no need. Perhaps it was wrong of me to make it sound more important than it was, that was on me." He turned to Xingcai, his smile not faltering. "You must be disappointed."

"You never disappointed me. Until now, Liu Shan." She poked his chest. "You're deceiving me, and everybody around you and I think you might have deceived yourself at some point in time. Why are you doing this? Who are you really?"

His fake smile cracked, and through the gaps she saw his pain. But he shrugged off the cracks. "I-I am who you want me to be."

"Then what if I wanted you to be strong? Do you honestly think I will prefer an idiot to a leader?"

The cracks widened. "…Others preferred me that way." He spat.

"I didn't." Xingcai admitted quietly. "I…I prefer your other smiles. The genuine ones, where your eyes light up like the stars, so full of hope. And I can tell the smile you wear right now is not real. So tell me, why are you upset?"

With her words, Liu Shan broke and he frowned bitterly. Xingcai was so tempted to raise her hand up to touch his cheek, convince herself that this was real, he was real. But he turned her back to her before she could see more, his head hung low. He walked a few steps before he stopped. "Good luck with the wedding, Xingcai. I wish for your happiness."

When Liu Shan left and Xingcai was alone, she collapsed on her knees. All she could see in her mind was the glee in Guan Ping's eyes and the sorrow behind Liu Shan's fake, fake smile. Crystal tears dropped onto the floor beneath her as the sun set and the shadows overwhelmed her.


	15. Become undone

_Guess who has two thumbs and actually stuck to the one month deadline they established on themselves despite almost never following? Me, hooray! Guess who will probably lose the ability to finish this story as DW9 comes in February? ALSO PROBABLY ME! HOORAY!  
_

_Nah seriously though I need this game and I need it BAD. I loved hack n slashers for a long time and the only good ones coming out (ahem Bayonetta3 ahem) are on a console I don't have SOOOO I gotta get my fix. Also Liu Shan, the man I adore, just so HAPPENS to be in this game. Coincidence, right? Right. Yeah. And I saw the new English trailer that came out just now as this chapter released and Liu Shan is still fishing so...guess he's got that going for him now._

_I hope Liu Shan and fishing become a meme. I really do._

_And hey new VAs too. Obviously I've only heard Xiahou Dun and Cao Cao and it's a bit different from what we've heard so far but not necessarily bad. Definitely shouldn't be cringey from what I heard so I have high hopes. Liu Shan's previous VA was pretty cool but I'm sure he's gonna get a new one and hopefully this new one won't sound TOO different from the first. I don't want something like Xingcai's VA in DW5. That was weird. That shouldn't happen but still, gotta be careful._

_Thanks so much for the reviewers that came in, I swear Liu Shan gets his head out of his ass in this chapter so you've got that to look forward too. And I am super glad there's more Liu Shan (hell, even Xingcai) fanfics coming out right now. The Liu Shan movement is UPON US! You guys are great fun and I always enjoy reading what you have to say, good or bad._

_I don't own KOEI, Dynasty Warriors, or a copy of the game...YET! DUN DUN DUUUUUN!_

Chapter 15: Become undone

Within the palace of Shu, life seemed to have finally regained a sense of normalcy. Never before had the nobles realized how much Liu Shan was tied to the palace atmosphere. There had been talk of Liu Shan's mood swings: extreme, often without warning, they took a person off guard and were very difficult to deal with. It was hard to talk to him when he was in that state. At least now he seemed to have returned to form. The old Liu Shan had returned and perhaps peace could finally arrive once again.

That was what Liu Shan heard when they thought he could not hear. But they were not wrong. He had been too careless as of late. No matter what Xingcai thought, no one would accept him as an emperor if he tried to take control as his true self. It was just a fact of life that people prefer him better as an idiot than as an intellectual. He had been hanging around Xingcai for far too long, he let her sink deep into his skin, allowing the truth he so desperately tried to hide come out. He let her take off the mask off his face and he allowed her to stare into the soul that yearned for the light, the dark repressed core of Liu Shan that he felt should never be let out. But no more. He will once more pretend to be the fool, for his country's sake and for his own too.

With Sima Zhao and his entourage gone, Liu Shan's schedule had returned to normal. If he did not have lessons or courtly duties, he would distract himself. At mealtimes he would eat moderately and around people he chatted along to the topic of the day. There were only two abnormalities to what was otherwise his regular schedule. The first was that Xingcai had officially requested a discharge from her normal bodyguard duties for an indefinite period of time. Liu Shan had expected the request to arrive and had already made arrangements for his other bodyguards to take on Xingcai's time as well—with how disappointed she was with him currently and her increasingly busy schedule, what with the betrothal party less than a week away, Liu Shan expected the 'indefinite' period of time might as well be called 'infinite'. Perhaps it was good riddance that Xingcai had chosen to quit right now. He'd never have to disappoint Xingcai, or anyone else, with his subpar fighting skills, and he could use the extra time to relax.

But with that spare time Liu Shan found that he was unable to relax like he used to, and therein laid the second abnormality. Where before he would be napping under the tree, dreaming to his heart's desire, now he needed something else to distract himself and pass the time. He found that distraction in paperwork.

Not even a month ago, Liu Shan had found the very concept of paperwork boring. He was not good at it then not because of his intellect but because it very rarely held his interest longer than a few minutes. Back when his father was alive, he wondered how Liu Bei could so easily bury himself into his work without a second thought for his friends and family. Now Liu Shan knew how his father became a workaholic. It was easy to drown yourself into something productive to hide from the other, personal problems in your life. It was easy to convince yourself that you had to work, to try and maintain the one stable thing in your life while everything else was crumbling beneath your feet because everything else was outside of your ability. When Guan Yu and Zhang Fei had died, Liu Bei lived in this very office, ignoring everything else in his life until his own demise.

Perhaps, Liu Shan briefly thought as he sat in his desk, he was more alike to his father than he cared to admit.

It was not long ago that the very study that Liu Shan had holed himself up in was originally Liu Bei's. His scrolls and books still hung in the shelves collecting dust. Unlike Liu Shan, his father was not naturally gifted intellectually; he had to work hard for it just like everything else in his life and even then he was no intellect. Liu Shan remembered the first lectures his father had taught him at a young age. As a child, Liu Shan was quick to pick up the alphabet and was adept for his age at simple arithmetic but when it came to answering, he was always slow and precise, preferred thinking and waiting for the correct answer to come in mind than answer hurriedly with one that may not be correct. Was it not for his adopted brother, Liu Feng, insisting that Liu Shan was indeed capable then his father might have considered his son a lost cause.

It was also in this room that his father told him Liu Feng was to be executed. Even in its glory days this room held so much sorrow.

He heard a knock on the door behind him. "Lord Liu Shan?" Jiang Wei called.

Liu Shan stifled a groan of annoyance. He wanted to be alone. "You may enter." Liu Shan decreed, forcing a tranquil smile on his face and a calm voice in his throat.

Jiang Wei entered the study. He tried to hide his surprise to find Liu Shan studying but made a terrible effort of masking his emotions. He cleared his throat loudly. "L-Lord Liu Shan, you are studying."

Liu Shan raised an eyebrow but kept his calm smile. "I do not remember having a lesson with you. Nor do I recall having an appointment at this hour."

"You do not…not that I know of your appointments, of course." Jiang Wei said. "I am here because I am concerned. There's been talk of you and Lady Xingcai having a falling out and I wanted to be here for you, my lord, in whatever capacity you need me for."

Liu Shan turned back to his scroll, rolling his eyes just outside of Jiang Wei's sight. "Did someone from the Guan family tell you to meet me?"

"Yes and no. Lady Yueying was the one to notify me first but Guan Suo also mentioned his concerns to me." Jiang Wei approached the desk and idly checked the title of the few scrolls on there, barely hiding his bewilderment over the sheer complexity of content they must hold within. He quickly recovered. "G-Guan Suo told me this in confidence but I hear that Xingcai will find a husband in Guan Ping, is that correct?"

"It is true." Liu Shan's smile wavered slightly. "Guan Ping made it no secret that he had a crush on Xingcai. He must be over the moon that Xingcai accepted his feelings."

"Is that…what caused the rift between Xingcai and you, my lord?" Jiang Wei asked pensively.

Liu Shan paused. Jiang Wei's efforts to comfort him were appreciated but he was far from the first person Liu Shan would go to for emotional advice. He doubted Jiang Wei even had a _girlfriend_ yet, let alone held the social grace and dexterity to handle this sensitive subject gently. Liu Shan pulled his smile tighter. "No. Xingcai was more upset about something else that I have done."

Jiang Wei frowned in confusion. "Would you…like to tell me how your argument went then?"

Liu Shan scoffed silently to himself. Of all the people in the world that Liu Shan would show his true face to, Jiang Wei was towards the bottom of the list. Jiang Wei was loyal to Liu Shan precisely because he thought the emperor an idiot with well intentions. Though he considered Liu Shan a friend, he also saw the emperor as a charity case. A lost cause he could help with his supreme intellect. Jiang Wei would never understand that Liu Shan held inner depths. Liu Sha would rather Jiang Wei stay in blissful disbelief. "It's nothing." Liu Shan said. "A difference of opinions, that is all."

"It sounds much worse than that, from what I hear. They say Xingcai has holed herself up at home and does not dare venture anywhere near the palace." Jiang Wei leaned forward on the desk, trying to adopt a more casual, sympathetic pose. It only looked contrived on the young strategist though no less sincere. "Have you talked to Xingcai? Sorted out your differences?"

Liu Shan let out a small sigh. Already he felt so tired keeping up this fake smile. Would it be rude to push Jiang Wei away and curl up in a ball for the next seven hours? It's too painful to talk about. "No, I have not. I've had no opportunity to meet Xingcai. Besides, she is busy preparing for her betrothal and I have plenty of work I must do when I inevitably take full responsibility over Shu. I don't think I will be able to even see her until after her betrothal party." Liu Shan gestured to the scrolls in front of him. "This work cannot wait."

Jiang Wei nodded in understanding, knowing all too well the struggles of balancing the duties to the kingdom and duties to his friends. "At least you don't seem to be sad, my lord. I was expecting much worse from you."

Liu Shan had thought the opposite. He thought that finally having his suspicions of Xingcai's feelings on him cleared up, he would feel much better but instead he felt depressed all the time. No matter how many times he tried to convince himself that he was never meant to be with Xingcai and no matter how many times he's told himself Guan Ping will treat Xingcai with the greatest respect and love, he couldn't help but feel upset. Having feelings for someone so much greater than you but not knowing how they felt, no doubt it hurt, but now that he knew that Xingcai really did not feel the same, it was beyond painful. He could still recall the look of disappointment in her eyes as he turned her back to her. Haunting, agonizing.

Tears began clouding up Liu Shan's vision and he wiped them away before Jiang Wei could see. Beside him, Jiang Wei was obliviously scanning the titles of the rest of the scrolls in his library.

"J-Jiang Wei, you should not believe all the rumours they say about me." Liu Shan tried to calm his voice, his smile ever present despite his reddening eyes. He was glad Jiang Wei couldn't see his face. "Now please, if you will excuse me, I really do need to get back to work. Would you be able to lead yourself out?"

Jiang Wei frowned as though there was more to say but he shook his head, whatever idea he had in his head far too risky to attempt. "Of course, my lord." Jiang Wei bowed. "Good day."

When Jiang Wei had left did Liu Shan groan and rubbed his eyes of the drying tears, hoping it was enough to stave off the waterworks. To his fortune, it was successful and after a few long and deep breaths did he return back to the scrolls in front of him, albeit at a slower pace than before. It took a lot more effort to remove Xingcai from his thoughts than before but she was never gone long before her image came back stronger than ever. After an hour of arguing between his rational and irrational thoughts did Liu Shan stop work. He slowly got up, trudged his way to his bedroom, and flopped down onto the bed. He laid spread eagle on the mattress, eyes staring at the ceiling, and slowly his thoughts were filled with Xingcai once again.

Since the day Liu Shan fell in love with Xingcai years ago, he had always expected that she would refuse his affections but never did he expect it to be in such an indirect way. Her wavering voice choking back sadness, begging him to tell her why he was upset. If she really did love him, she would have refused Guan Ping, maybe even confessed to him but she did none of that. She preferred Guan Ping to Liu Shan. And he should have intervened when Guan Ping confessed, said something, anything to ease her disquiet. He should have confessed before it got too messy, before the betrothal loomed over their heads ominously but it never felt like the right time. Perhaps it was for the best then that Guan Ping confessed after all. If Liu Shan confessed, Xingcai almost certainly would have refused him. She cared more about Guan Ping than she did for Liu Shan himself, even if she does not love Guan Ping.

Liu Shan let out a soft groan and placed a hand on his head. All of a sudden he felt so sick and tired of that annoying hair bun and angrily, but he did not have the will or strength to remove it. His head fell uncomfortably on the hair bun, his fingers laced themselves deep into his scalp. The temptation to grab a bundle of hair and rip it from his skull was tantalizing. He desperately wanted to find a physical release for the pain he felt in his heart right now, to take it away to the outside, away from where it hurt most inside his chest.

He thought he'd take this rejection better. Every single scenario he had of confessing to Xingcai and being rejected, he had came to the forgone conclusion that he'd accept her rejection, be upset for a day or two, and then spring right back. It's not like he had any chance of her love, he's said to himself so many times before, so why should he be sad? Maybe he didn't expect to have such a bad falling out with Xingcai but he just had to go up to Xingcai and apologise and everything will be alright. Despite her stern personality, Xingcai was easily swayed by heartfelt words; it would not take long before all is forgiven.

So why hasn't he done just that? Why was he moping about losing Xingcai's love instead of regaining her friendship?

Try as he might, he couldn't deny those sweet moments when the gap between the two of them grew smaller and smaller until he could feel the tickle of her breath on his cheek. There were more than a few times where his hopes were raised and he thought, _Maybe she does love me_. _Maybe I have a chance to win her affections._ Multiple times now he had stared at her lips and wondered what they would feel like, what they would taste like. Xingcai never pushed him away in those moments. Perhaps if she did, he wouldn't feel the way he does right now.

There was one conclusion he came to that made sense. That even after everything, knowing that Xingcai will be betrothed officially to Guan Ping in only a couple of days, he **needed** her. A part of him just could not comprehend that Xingcai only views him as a friend and was desperate to find answers to suit its argument. Even now as he stared at the blank, empty ceiling, he could see her bare back, face turned over her shoulder to meet his gaze. He'd smile and she would smile back at him with those trusting eyes that held the sparkling stars of the night sky. He could imagine how she would react, hear her gasps as his fingers ran down her spine and his head nuzzled into her shoulder, wet sloppy kisses planted over every square inch of neck.

 _"_ _Liu Shan,"_ she gasped as his hands rose to her shoulders, massaging them slowly. Her fingers rose behind her to cradle his head, pushing his lips closer to her skin.

 _"_ _Liu Shan,"_ she cooed as she suddenly turned and pressed her body onto his. His own clothing was gone and despite it being imaginary, the warm feeling of her chest pressed towards him felt real enough. She pushed him onto his back and smiled lovingly, affectionately at his body as her fingers rolled down her shoulders and pressed against his stomach. Both in his imagination and in the real world, his hands crept up onto his face, unprepared for what was about to come next but eager to see what may occur.

 _"_ _Liu Shan,"_ she sighed as her face leaned into his, crimson lips puckered to meet his trembling face. In the imaginary world, she brushed aside his hands and smiled sensuously as her lips loomed over his before slowly descending to meet his quivering lips. He melted underneath her, held onto this feeling of gratification and ecstasy with an iron grip as he clutched the bedsheets behind him desperately.

"My lord!"

Liu Shan jolted up and stared at the door leading outside his bedroom, startled by the very sudden and very real voice outside his room. After a few moments to collect himself (and scold himself for his fantasy), Liu Shan slowly pushed himself off the bed and opened the door. In front of him were two servants. Siblings that were so inseparable Liu Shan could not bear to separate them and allowed them both to be a part of his staff. Not that he wasn't tempted to separate them right then and there. Between the faint image lingering in his mind and the painful throb within his chest, Liu Shan hadn't made up his mind yet whether it was a good thing or not that he had been taken away from his daydreams.

"L-lord Liu Shan, my apologies, w-we can explain." The first said just as the front door started to rattle. Muffled shouts, one male and one female, could be faintly heard as their fists collided with the heavy wood.

Liu Shan crossed his arms at the pair. "I gave one order and that was to not have anybody come in and disturb me today in my home and you could not even do that? Once I could forgive but twice is unacceptable." He knew he was being uncharacteristically harsh on the servants but he really did not want to see anybody today.

The second bashfully replied, "I-I'm sorry about Jiang Wei, it was my fault. We know you have been in a bad mood and we thought he'd cheer you up. B-but these people keep insisting they meet you today, my lord, and they will not take no for an answer. They claim to have an appointment with you so we've checked the books just in case and we know you are not called for at this hour."

"We thought maybe if you told them yourself that you do not wish to see anybody today, they will finally leave." The first rubbed their arm nervously. "Sorry about disturbing you with such trifling problems."

Liu Shan had his share of people who insisted on having a private audience with him without an appointment, fewer still those that would not turn away when his servants told them off. He's surprised the people at the door haven't been thrown out yet but he supposed it wasn't technically his bodyguard's job to throw away people who annoyed the emperor. They had not done anything. Yet.

Still, it wasn't the siblings' fault, and they have been pretty earnest and upright in their work up until now, even if they were perhaps a bit too casual with him at times. The pair nervously stared at the ground, waiting for him to speak.

Liu Shan sighed, defeated. "I will talk to them. And do not worry, you are not in trouble, I understand you had my best interests at heart. But next time I request that I not be disturbed, I trust you both to make sure no one comes in, regardless of their intentions. Is that clear?"

Like little kids they bowed deeply, praising Liu Shan for his benevolence before running off to escort the guests to the lobby area, where Liu Shan went to wait. His hand went up to his head as he suddenly recalled that he had not put on his coat in his rush to leave his bedroom. He scowled to himself. Perhaps his unruly appearance will serve better his intent to drive these people away.

The sibling servants escorted two people into the room, one female and one male, as Liu Shan suspected. The lady was far older than the man and wore extravagant clothing leading Liu Shan to suspect the woman was an older noblewoman, possibly the wife of a politician. With the simple robes the man wore, it was quite likely that the man was the woman's servant but there was an unspoken casualness with them, like they were close friends or family. Both the man and woman looked at Liu Shan and quickly their frigid expressions morphed into identical, gentle smiles. Liu Shan couldn't put his finger on it but there was something familiar about the two people that have arrived.

"My lord, these are the guests in question, generously asking for a private appointment with you."

Her face turned away so that the servants could not see, the woman could not hold it in any longer, grinning slyly at the emperor. "Hello, _Lord Liu Shan_."

Liu Shan's eyes widened in shock but quickly recovered with a shake of his head. Keeping his voice level, he said to the servants, "They can stay."

"W-what?" The servants squeaked simultaneously.

"Not only that, but I want every servant still within the boundaries of my quarters to leave." Liu Shan declared. "They will still be paid. Tell them it's an early present for their hard work."

"S-sure, my lord, but what about your guards?" The second sibling asked.

"Replace the guards standing by the entrance but otherwise they too can also leave." He turned to the 'guests' with a placid smile. "This is a private conversation of great importance. I do not want people to overhear us."

"A-as you wish." They bowed.

It did not take long before Liu Shan could hear the shuffling of feet as his servants and maids and guards, one by one, left. He waited patiently until he could hear no more footsteps. Beside him, the man and woman sighed in relief.

The man turned to him and opened his arms wide, approaching Liu Shan for a hug. "Brother, it is so good to see y—"

Liu Shan slapped the man hard in the face, leaving behind a faint red imprint near his cheek. "WHAT THE HELL, FENG?!"

The woman gasped. "Liu Shan, I can't believe you. Swearing in front of us, slapping your brother, after not seeing us for so long?! I did not know you had it in you."

Liu Feng smiled sheepishly. "Is it weird that I like that it hurts?"

"Yes‼" Liu Shan all but screamed. His hands went up to his face and slid down to his chin so that they lay in a quasi-prayer position. Only the gods could help him now.

Liu Feng, as Liu Shan's adopted brother, had not change much since the last time Liu Shan saw him. When once he wore the heaviest armour and the cheekiest of grins, now his clothes were ragged robes and his smile quieter, more humble. Still his eyes were sharp and his instincts honed and Liu Shan was sure that underneath the tattered robes his brother was still strong. They may have only been brothers by name alone but their bond was stronger than any bond forged by blood. Only death could change their bond, and it did when Liu Feng escaped execution. Even now it was hard for Liu Shan to look at his brother and see how low he had fallen.

The woman turned to Liu Feng, nonplussed by Liu Shan's outburst. "I don't think your brother appreciated the surprise."

"You think?" Liu Shan snapped. "Mother, what are you doing here? And why is Feng here **now**?!"

"Is that how you talk to the empress dowager?" She tried to threaten but the strength of her words faded as she chuckled to herself. "Who am I kidding? 'Empress Dowager Sun Shangxiang' makes me sound like I'm some old lady."

Liu Feng rubbed his stinging cheek. "If it makes you feel better, mother, you certainly don't act like an old lady."

"Hmph." Sun Shangxiang turned to Liu Shan. "See, son? Your brother knows what is up."

"I never suggested you were anything but young, mother. We all know you're still a fearsome warrior when you want to be."

Sun Shangxiang grinned triumphantly, mentally adding this small debate between her children into her growing list of victories.

Sun Shangxiang was the matriarch of the family and till today she still held a presence that spoke at length of her power and authority. For a woman past forty she was exceptionally young looking and acted as though her appearance defined her attitude. Her short hair seemed to have gotten slightly longer, stopping just before her shoulders, and the wrinkles by her eyes have become more pronounced over the last few years but there was no denying the youthfulness in her words and actions, her very lifestyle her way of defying both the patriarchy and the gods. She seemed to have been of the opinion that wearing a different dress and slightly different makeup was all she needed to hide her identity. Liu Shan had to admit that despite the lackluster efforts to disguise herself it did work. No one would think a woman dressed in such a feminine, constricting dress would be Sun Shangxiang.

Deciding it best to try and steer the conversation to a different topic, Liu Shan gestured to the table in the living room. "You might as well sit down and have some tea, mother, brother." He tried to make his voice level once more.

"But you just sent away all of your servants." Liu Feng replied.

"Just because I am now emperor does not mean I have forgotten how to make tea." Liu Shan said. "Give me just a few moments to brew. Make yourselves comfortable in the meantime."

Despite Liu Feng protesting that as the adopted brother and because of his cover it would be better for him to make the tea, Liu Shan turned down the offer, setting off for the small kitchen before Liu Feng could retort. He briefly wondered if he should do a proper tea ceremony, especially since his brother had returned from the grave yet again but decided against it, thinking it a waste of time as everybody disliked unnecessary ceremony. He placed the kettle filled with water on the heated stove, waiting until it was just about to boil. While he waited, he contemplated the events that led to his family disappearing.

It had been more than a year since Liu Feng had reappeared from the dead. It was a secret known only to the Liu family that Liu Feng had escaped the death penalty from indirectly causing Guan Yu's death and was currently living in hiding somewhere around the town's outskirts. Everybody had thought the reasons—that Liu Feng had in fact plenty of opportunity to save Guan Yu but chose not to—were ridiculous at best but it did not stop the sentence from going through. In escaping confinement and saving his own life, Liu Feng had lost all his honour, his family, his friends, everything he had been working to gain as the illegitimate, adopted son of Liu Bei. In a way it was a fate worse than death, abandoning one life for a far more pitiful one. In his first life he had numerous opportunities to rise amongst the ranks and now those very same opportunities were forever closed to him. Still, Liu Feng had always managed to find a way to sneak into the palace to see his brother. Even when he knew he shouldn't be in Shu at all, he could not stay away for too long. Liu Shan always admired his adopted brother's staunch dedication to both his family and to his country.

His mother on the other hand was a different case. After Liu Bei's death, Sun Shangxiang fell into a depressive episode. She did not cry nor scream when the life left Liu Bei's eyes. Instead she became nothing. And for months she would not move unless she had to, eating and drinking and dressing herself only when her servants forced her to. And then she disappeared from the palace. Gone with the changing winds. Some say she had decided to commit suicide—either right beside Liu Bei's grave or by throwing herself off a cliff in some stories—but in fact she had went on a soul-searching journey across the country, exploring the countryside, the villages yet untouched by the war. That much she said in her final letter, left in her bedroom for Liu Shan to find. He did not know Mother had returned yet from her wardrobe, alongside the fact she did not introduce herself to the guards, she did not want anybody else to know she had returned either. Now that Liu Shan could take the time to study his mother, her grin was as infectious and proud as it had been in his childhood but her eyes were not the same. The fire within them, once dead since her husband's passing, had reignited itself but the flames were not as bright as they were in her youth. She was still a shadow of her younger self.

The water now heated to what Liu Shan assumed was a good temperature, he poured the water over three small porcelain cups filled with oolong tea leaves. The scent drifted through the room through to the living area where his brother and mother stared at the cups thirstily. He quickly walked over and set the cups down for his family first before returning to grab his own cup and sitting down himself.

He blew into the cup a few times and took a sip. Not great, but not half bad either for his half-hearted attempt.

Sun Shangxiang gulped down most of her tea in one swallow, unfazed by the scalding temperature. "Mmmm." She hummed contently. "It's been a while since I've had good tea."

"Where have you been then?" Liu Shan frowned before adding, "You never told me, or anyone else for that matter, where you were going."

Sun Shangxiang spread her arms out wide. "I went everywhere, as far as I could to reach the horizon." She said. "I went to the south for a bit and stayed with the Nanman for a year as a guest. Then, when I got bored, I went North and explored all the towns and cities I could find before finding myself on the Silk Road. Then I just followed the merchants. I saw Persia and India and I just explored it all, I even had some cool people let me stay over at their residence for a bit. For once, I felt like I could do whatever I wanted. But I knew I had to come back so I trekked home, making small stops at whatever town or village passes my fancy along the way, and now I am here."

"And you could not even bother sending a scroll for me?" Liu Shan asked in a flat voice.

Sun Shangxiang looked down to the ground, hands once again clasped around her teacup. She took a sip to hide her shame. "I'm sorry. I didn't know when I would come back—if I would come back at all, that is. I thought it was better that I did not raise your hopes up and make you wait for me when I did not know when I was returning."

Liu Shan grimaced. "You should have said something. Knowing you were somewhere too far away to reach is far better than not knowing where you are or whether you are alive or not."

The common ground his parents both shared and which Liu Shan despised was that they both did selfish acts and deluded themselves with selfless excuses. Liu Shan vowed long ago that he would learn from his parents' mistakes and would never be blinded by his own actions. Liu Shan took a sip of tea, scowling into his drink as he did so.

Sensing the tension, Liu Feng tried to divert the conversation, "How about you then, Shan? I've heard your bodyguard is to be betrothed by the end of this week. That must be exciting, right?"

Liu Shan stared silently into his tea, not even giving a response.

Liu Feng's eyebrows creased in concern. "…Maybe I should start with me, then. You probably are wondering how I sneaked myself back into the palace."

Liu Shan said nothing.

"W-well, I managed to get a job as a servant for a nobleman. He is poor and can only afford the services of a few, cheap servants so I used that opportunity to gain his trust. It took me a while before he trusted me enough to work autonomously from time to time. When I heard mother was coming to see you today, I made sure that I was given a day off so we could both see you at the same time. After today, I think I might only have one more opportunity to meet you. After that, I will probably have to assume another identity so people don't get suspicious."

Liu Shan drank his tea until all that was left were the tealeaves. His scowl was unwavering.

"Shan?" Liu Feng asked when his brother still did not respond.

"Why now? Why did you have to choose today of all days to visit me?" Liu Shan growled.

Sun Shangxiang crossed her arms. "Do you not know how much we have done, how much we have risked, just to see you?"

"And yet, despite all that planning, all these little preparations you have made without me, not one of you thought to message me first? To let me know you were coming in today?"

"What's wrong, Adou?" Sun Shangxiang asked. "I thought you would be happy to see the both of us."

"Don't call me by that name, mother." Liu Shan spat. "My mother fled her duties out of grief to lands unknown. My brother is a convict forever fleeing, forever hiding in the shadows. My wife and father are dead and buried in places I can't even visit without an official document. And then there is me, stuck in this gilded cage we call a palace, unable to even roam outside of his home without an armed escort, forced to reach expectations so high I could never reach it in my lifetime. And you expect me to be happy?"

Liu Shan had never said in his lifetime such strong and cruel words to anyone in his family, never admitted to the demons within his heart. He expected a backlash, expected that look of disappointment everybody bore for him alone. Instead they hung their heads low. They could not even argue, could not deny Liu Shan's words.

"I'm…sorry, brother. For being selfish." Liu Feng said.

"Me too…" Sun Shangxiang mumbled sadly.

Liu Shan sighed shamefully. No matter how upset he was, he shouldn't have snapped at his family for no good reason. "I'm sorry about my behaviour too. It's just…it's been a rough couple of days for me. I guess I'm still a little bit on edge." Liu Shan admitted.

Liu Feng nodded, knowing Liu Shan well enough not to inquire further. "I suppose we all are on edge as well."

"Well if that's the case, a change onto lighter topics will do some good for all three of us." Sun Shangxiang suggested. "How have your duties as emperor been? I've heard you made a peace pact with Wu."

Liu Shan smiled knowingly. Sun Shangxiang had been begging for a peace treaty with Wu ever since she got married to Liu Bei but for one reason or another she was denied her wish. So of course the first thing Liu Shan did as emperor was try to petition with Wu's emperor for an alliance. "I would like to say it was all my idea but it was actually Zhuge Liang who campaigned for a peace treaty with Wu. It's temporary and I'm sure if the conflict between Wei and Jin escalates this treaty will be forgotten but I welcome the fact that Wu and Shu can live in harmony, even if it is only for a moment."

"Knowing you, brother, I'm sure you had a hand in convincing Zhuge Liang." Liu Feng said. "You always had a silver tongue."

The corner of Liu Shan's lips twitched upwards. "Perhaps I used a couple of tricks up my sleeve to convince him. But we both know changing Zhuge Liang's mind is like trying to push a mountain."

The two brothers shared a chuckle. It was hard for either of the two to be upset with the other for long.

"Speaking of Zhuge Liang, how is Yueying? Last time I was here, she was working on fire breathing oxen, I think." Sun Shangxiang pouted before adding, "She said she'd make me one in the shape of a tiger but that was shortly before I left. You don't think she forgot, right?"

"I am pretty sure she would never leave a project like that half-finished. Perhaps she has it stored somewhere. Though I'm not too sure she would be all too happy to see you. She was of the thought that the reason you disappeared was because you died."

"Oh." Sun Shangxiang frowned. "Perhaps I should say hello to her. Before I leave again."

"You're not staying?" Liu Shan asked.

Sun Shangxiang shook her head. "I'm sure if I stay here too long I will be reminded of your father and much as I'd love to be with all my children I cannot bear to be reminded again. When your father died I was in a bad place and I don't want to get myself all depressed again. Besides, you have everything under control, right? You know I am always beside you in spirit."

There was no question Liu Feng would disappear after today but Liu Shan was slightly surprised Sun Shangxiang was not staying much longer. He had thought maybe she'd stay behind in the palace, at least to support him or his other brothers. It would be nice to have someone to be by his side now that Xingcai was gone. Either way, someone's selfish desire would become reality, whether it was his mother's desire to explore unencumbered and unburdened, or his own desire to have someone to confide to.

Liu Shan's gaze turned to the dining room table. Just a few days ago, he was having dinner with Xingcai. She'd laugh that hearty laugh she had suppressed so many other times before, smiling without a care in the world for him alone. Now it was gone, perhaps for good. "I suppose your spirit should be enough." Liu Shan agreed coolly, sighing wistfully as his thoughts went back to Xingcai. "It's not like I cannot handle everything myself."

Before he could allow his thoughts to roam on Xingcai once again, his family began talking once again and he drowned himself in the conversation, hoping the idle chatter will take his mind off the mess that was his love life.

Soon, Sun Shangxiang suggested they spend the time by having some lunch. Both Liu Shan and Liu Feng knew that any suggestion from their mother's lips was tantamount to an order and thus agreed to eat. Liu Shan decided better than to mention he did not feel hungry, knowing such a passing comment would not escape his family's judgment. He could tell from the passing glances they made with each other that they knew something was wrong with him. Liu Shan would rather he avoided any topics regarding his emotional state and wellbeing but knowing his family, all he was doing right now was just stalling. Still he held onto the vain belief that he could avoid talking about his feelings, hoping that if everyone just kept quiet and he had more time to brood he could hopefully recover. Liu Feng and Sun Shangxiang finished their tea quickly, hastily wiped the liquid from their mouths, and stood, ready to leave for lunch.

Much as it would be easier to have Liu Shan's personal chef prepare something for lunch, Liu Feng insisted it would be safer (and more fun, chimed Sun Shangxiang) if they went to a restaurant instead. Though Liu Shan found his brothers concerns about being found out to be excessive, he decided to respect Liu Feng's wishes and decided that the best place to go would be at a restaurant in the upper class district of the town. It was a restaurant for the wealthy only which meant there were few customers at any given time. Plus it was close enough to the palace that it did not necessitate a day trip there and back. But to dine at the restaurant, everybody had to look the part of someone who belonged at a restaurant like that. That meant one thing, which Sun Shangxiang squealed with glee.

"Makeover time!"

The two brothers groaned as Sun Shangxiang pushed them into Liu Shan's bedroom before raiding the closet for clothes. For a woman who professed on many occasions to wear men's pants and robes because they were more comfortable, she sure did love fashion—even if her sense of fashion was very much warped compared to the typical noblewoman. Liu Shan and Liu Feng watched their mother attack the closet with ferocity, flinging random garments behind her left and right, eyes aflame in concentration. They secretly agreed on one thing: their mother was truly frightening when she put her mind to something.

Sun Shangxiang stopped and presented an old silken robe, taking it out with far more care than the clothes she had flung before hand. It was a pale green robe with white trimming, inlaid in the print towards the bottom were twin gold dragons. The sleeves were long and deep, draping to the sides. A red sash draped loosely over the robe, wrapping around the waist to tighten the robe closed. Her fingers trailed down the garment in fascination, momentarily mesmerized by its essence and its being before throwing it at Liu Feng.

"That's yours to wear." She said as she continued to make the clothing piles behind her bigger.

Liu Shan shared a look of bewilderment with Liu Feng who shrugged in confusion before turning back to his mother, still storming the closet. He leaned forward, trying to not get himself in the crossfire. "Er, mother? Why are you still looking through the wardrobe? Your clothes are still back in your old room, they haven't left."

"I'm looking for something for you too, my son."

Liu Shan's eyebrows knitted together. "Why me? I don't need a disguise."

"Of course you need a disguise." She said as if it were the most obvious conclusion. "If my son the emperor randomly takes two strangers to one of the fanciest restaurants in the kingdom, people are going to take notice." She pokes a thumb in the vague direction of where Liu Feng stood. "He doesn't want to take any chances."

"It would be prudent for all of us to be a bit more careful about our tracks, mother." Liu Feng gestured to the clothing piles. "This isn't going to clean itself up. What about the servants who have to tidy Shan's room? Won't they question this?"

"Adou was never the tidiest person in the family. They won't question it." Sun Shangxiang countered.

Liu Feng shrugged in agreement. "I suppose so."

Liu Shan crossed his arms. "H-hey, I am not a child anymore. I can clean up after myself."

Liu Feng patted his brother's back condescendingly. "Sure you do, sure you do." He cooed.

Liu Shan scoffed loudly, flicking his brother's hand off his back, to his brother's amusement. Any remarks about being a man and not a boy were cut short as Sun Shangxiang suddenly hurled some clothes at Liu Shan. He barely caught it. Unfurling the ball of clothes, Liu Shan found it was actually a shirt and a pair of pants. The shirt was completely black, save for a hint of green at the collar. The pants were also black with a red tint to the fabric, and unlike most of his other pants this pair was tighter fitting and constrictive. Liu Shan never wore either of the two items before on the words of his advisors, who said that black was a dark colour that only befit the deceased and the disloyal. Certainly not something an emperor could wear. By that logic, it also made the clothing a perfect disguise to hide his identity as a royal. Liu Shan folded the shirt and pants over his arm.

Sun Shangxiang left the room, deciding to find some new clothes for herself in her old wardrobe while Liu Feng headed for the guest rooms to change. Liu Shan decided it was a good time to change as well, which he did as quickly as possible.

When Liu Shan emerged from his bedroom, his mother and brother had already changed. His mother decided to wear an even fancier dress than the one she wore before but in a red colour and in the finest silk imaginable, complete with complementary sash and luxurious golden flower hairpins. She looked like a marquess, like she was born to wear the jewelry and silk she proudly displayed. If she was trying to disguise herself, this was as far away from her regular image as possible.

Liu Feng meanwhile shifted uncomfortably as he adjusted the far too small robe he wore, fixing the collar bit by bit. All his life, he was never a fan of the noble garbs he wore, preferring armour and simpler clothing whenever possible. Perhaps that was why Liu Feng was so at ease back when he was in the military and why currently he looked as though his skin was burning just from being in contact with the soft damask fabric.

"You dressed up nicely." Liu Shan smirked at Liu Feng. "For once."

Liu Feng's arms rose, sleeves dangling dramatically. "I knew you were short but I didn't think you were this tiny, Shan. I am one bicep flex away from ripping the shoulders."

Liu Shan gestured towards Liu Feng's tall, muscled body. "I cannot help it if my adopted brother happens to be a freak of nature."

"Oh, don't be like that, Shan." Sun Shangxiang placed a hand reassuringly on Liu Feng's back. She gave a mischievous grin. "I thought bigger is better these days."

The two brothers groaned in disgust, prompting Sun Shangxiang to snigger loudly. There was something horrifying about their forty year old mother making the kind of dirty jokes only a sixteen year old boy would make. Even after so many years of living with her and enduring the jokes, Liu Shan never got used to them. Not even her long absence made the jokes any more palatable.

As their mother slowly recovered from her bout of laughter, Liu Feng turned to his brother. "Are you going to go out like that?" He gestured at Liu Shan's outfit.

Liu Shan looked down at his shirt. "What's wrong with what I am wearing?"

"Nothing, really, you look fine. It's just that you look like…you."

Liu Shan wasn't happy about how his brother had phrased his words, as though it was an insult to look like he did. "Meaning?"

Sun Shangxiang interjected, still smiling from her joke. "What your brother means is that you still look like the emperor, even in a change of clothes like this. We need to mask you more, disguise you enough so that nobody would ever guess you were the emperor."

Liu Shan nodded slowly. He knew of one simple way to hide his identity.

Reaching behind his head, Liu Shan loosened the tie affixing his hair bun in place. His hair cascaded down his back slowly in a straight line but a slight ruffle shook his hair into a more natural hairstyle. Finally, his fingers swept through his hairline, small locks transplanted down his face. He glanced at the mirror. Xingcai had saw his hair down like this, barely a few nights ago, found him attractive with his hair like this, but as to why Liu Shan still did not know. Who would find the man standing before him attractive?

Liu Shan did not realize until he turned to face his brother and mother again that they were both staring at him with open mouths, bemused and surprised. He turned his head sharply to hide his growing blush. "Do…do I look alright now?"

Sun Shangxiang blinked. "N-no, no, you look fine, my son." She turned to Liu Feng. "It certainly hides his face a bit, don't you think?"

"This will have to do, brother." Liu Feng said. "If we're all done changing we should get going. I do not want to waste any more time."

"You certainly take after your father, Feng." Sun Shangxiang smiled softly but Liu Shan could faintly see the melancholy hidden underneath, the pain behind her smile.

Sun Shangxiang and Liu Feng had left the room but Liu Shan did not leave just yet, appraising his look in the mirror one more time. There was nothing noble about the man before him. This man embodied all the darkness he had hid, everything bad and wrong about him. He looked like himself, and that was far more frightening than anything he had seen from the war. And if this was what Xingcai saw that night, if this was what Xingcai thought looked attractive, maybe he should think twice about her priorities when it came to appearance. No matter how he tried, all he could see was Liu Shan: the good and bad and everything in between that made up the person, this man meant to be leader.

There was nothing attractive about Liu Shan, he convinced himself incessantly, its echoes quieter and quieter as Xingcai's sad face saying he was a disappoint looped over and over again in his head.

* * *

There had been little trouble at the restaurant. Liu Feng, posing as the noble son of Sun Shangxiang, his mother of birth, confidently commanded the staff's attention to cater to the needs of the group of three, quickly cleaning up a table and setting down a few starters designed to whet the appetite. Liu Shan kept all conversation to a minimum. If questioned by either the staff or the diners, his cover story was that he was a foreign friend of mixed birth (the less said the better, Liu Feng explained) but fortunately the need to explain his presence was never brought up. Liu Shan found he had gained a few curious stares by the other nobles dining at the establishment but that was less about how familiar he looked and more about how crude and unusual his appearance was. Liu Shan tried to sink his face into his food to hide his embarrassment, which did not go unnoticed by his brother who teased him about it to no end as their food was being prepared.

When the food arrived it disappeared almost as quickly as it appeared, everybody just barely hiding their ravenous hunger behind proper dining etiquette. The fortunate thing of Liu Shan's backstory was that he did not have to hold back when he was eating. He might not have been hungry back at home but by the time he arrived at the restaurant he was starving. He gorged himself, fulfilling his stomach but not quite as good as he had hoped to be for the price. Both Liu Feng and Sun Shangxiang however were desperately trying to hide a moan of pleasure as they sunk into their seats. They haven't eaten well in a long time, Liu Shan realized soberly, suddenly feeling spoiled for not enjoying his food as intensely as they did.

A problem only emerged after the meal was finished and everybody's stomachs were settling. Amidst the conversation, Liu Shan spotted from across the room a group of women entering the restaurant. One of the women was Xingcai.

He snapped his head back and put his hand to cover up his face, hoping Xingcai wouldn't notice—she's seen him with his hair down, she would definitely recognise him, his panicked thoughts insisted. Glancing towards the table the women seated themselves, he could see in between the gaps in his fingers Xingcai staring in his direction, her head cocked to one side. Even though she could not see his face directly, Liu Shan could feel her eyes boring into him.

"Mother, brother, we should get going." Liu Shan stood up all of a sudden, forcing everybody else at the table to stand up as well. Paying for the bill, they left the building and, Liu Shan hoped, before Xingcai figured out his identity.

Liu Shan ignored his brother's curious gaze as they left the restaurant, ignored the pieces slowly falling into place in Liu Feng's mind.

The rest of the day was spent roaming, talking. They reminisced on the lives they held before, what had changed and what had stayed the same since their last meeting. Liu Shan led them down the familiar path through the royal gardens, let his mother revel in the normality and the sameness of the plants surrounding them. Memories quieted as they allowed the tweeting birds and the singing wind do the talking. Liu Shan only took everyone to the gardens because it was something everybody loved in their own way but now he saw that perhaps this meant something more to his family. Their hollow eyes swept across the landscape, distracting themselves from the present and the pain. He wished he could do the same but found it difficult to quell his thoughts. Liu Shan did not see the blooming flowers but Xingcai in her lovely dress, his coat draped over her shoulders under the moonlight, walking in front of him. He sighed wistfully as his stomach fell and his heart ached.

As they walked along, Liu Feng pointed at a tree. "Hey, Shan. Remember that tree?"

Liu Shan did remember. It was the same tree that he had climbed just over a week ago. On the rooftop above with Xingcai, he still remembered the feeling of his hand caressing her cheek, her lips parting softly, slowly. Liu Shan did not say any of this, shaking his head in a silent "no".

"What do you mean you do not remember? You used to climb this thing all the time. I had to go up the tree to grab you and get you down because you didn't want to have a bath."

Liu Shan chuckled. "Feng, you were made to do many things but let's face it, climbing trees was not one of those things."

"You were like a monkey though. Swinging around from branch to branch, jumping around all the time. You tried to get up onto the palace rooftops from this tree but you were too tiny."

Liu Shan gazed up at the tree. It must have looked so big when he was a kid. "I definitely can do it now. Get on the rooftop, that is."

Liu Feng smirked besides him. "Is that a challenge?"

"Please, Feng." Liu Shan laughed. "I will definitely win. I mean, look at the advantage I have. I am wearing clothing with more mobility, I am faster, and unlike you I actually can climb a tree."

"A challenge it is, then." Liu Feng laughed as he ran up towards the tree. "Last one up there is a little Adou."

"D-don't use my childhood name as an insult!"

Liu Feng only laughed as he gripped onto the trunk of the tree and slowly launched himself up. Liu Shan just rolled his eyes as he made his own ascent from the opposite side of the tree. At the ground level sitting on a bench, Sun Shangxiang watched her sons disappear into the canopy, chuckling in amusement.

Liu Shan had reached the rooftop first and noticeably less out of breath than his brother who had stopped to rest momentarily on the final branch. He chuckled as he lent Liu Feng a hand and pulled him up onto the rooftop.

"Seems I win." Liu Shan smiled as Liu Feng lied down on the rooftop.

"Don't remind me, now I'M the one who has to be called Adou."

"You make fun of my childhood name but you never mentioned yours."

Liu Feng tapped his brother's forehead. "And you never will."

Liu Shan lightly shoved his brother, just enough for Liu Feng to lose his balance but not enough to throw him off the rooftops. He did not want his brother to be killed yet again.

"It's a beautiful view up here. You could see the whole town." Liu Feng sighed.

Liu Shan looked at the city for just a moment before staring down at his feet. The view was beautiful, and perhaps it always was but it did not feel the same without Xingcai. Despite the sun shining brightly and despite the people scurrying around the town like ants without a care for the world or the war, it was not as beautiful. Xingcai was beautiful… "I guess," he said.

Liu Feng frowned. "Now I know something is wrong, Shan. You're not telling me something."

Liu Shan sighed. He should have expected this question. "It's not something I want to talk about, brother."

"Then who would you talk to about this? Who else but your brother?" Liu Feng craned his head, trying to get his head into Liu Shan's view. "Mother won't say it but she is also worried. This is not like you, brother."

"How could you tell?"

"Well if you're asking me how I know you're not alright, all I gotta do is look at your hair." Liu Feng said. "You never liked having your hair loose. Even as a child you'd go to bed with your hair in a bun and when mother tried to tell you off about it, you claimed that the signs of a true gentleman was the upkeep of his hair. Something big must have happened to make you change your mind all of a sudden."

Liu Shan stared at his feet for a few more precious moments. "…Do you remember Zhang Fei's daughters?"

Liu Feng nodded. "He had two, right? You married his eldest and the youngest became your bodyguard when Father died." He rubbed his chin thoughtfully. :They were the complete opposites of each other, I remember."

"Yeah." Liu Shan whispered. "Well, I…after my wife died, I fell in love with the younger daughter—Xingcai. And not only is she promising herself to be with Guan Ping in marriage but now I have also ruined our friendship."

Liu Feng nodded slowly, taking in the information and trying to connect it to what he remembered. He turned to Liu Shan. "She is engaged to Guan Ping?"

"Not yet. By the end of the week there will be a party and her family will announce their intentions to marry her to Guan Ping. And she was not forced to marry him, she chose to accept Guan Ping's confession." Liu Shan stared into the distance. "She…had every right and ability to refuse him but she did not. She chose him."

Liu Feng studied Liu Shan's face. "There's more, isn't there, Shan?"

Liu Shan sifted his hand through his head, trying to hide the rising heat of shame on his cheeks. "I don't know if this was just my imagination but…but recently I felt a…change. Between her and I. You've met her, she is a harsh and cold woman bound only to her duty to her people and her country and yet over time I could swear she was becoming softer, gentler with me. Sometimes she looks at me and I thought maybe I had a chance. Maybe I could win over her heart and we could be together and I could say the things I've only dreamt of saying. Then…" Liu Shan sighed mournfully. "Then I saw Guan Ping confess to her. And even though she told me she did not love him, she said yes."

"Are you sure this is not a misunderstanding?"

"N-no, I…I was there. I-I mean I was hiding, sure, but I knew she saw me. She looked me in the eye and accepted his confession. And I talked to her afterwards, it was the perfect time for her to confess to me but she did not. "

Liu Feng frowned. "Then why didn't you do it then? Confess, I mean."

"I don't know." Liu Shan admitted quietly. "Maybe back then I thought it would be too much for her to receive two confessions from two of her friends at the same time but now I think that was just an excuse I made up so I don't have to confess to her. I guess I'm…scared what she will see. I haven't opened up to anybody about who I really am and what I really feel behind this mask of incompetence. She's only seen the good side of me, the happy side of my true self. What will she say about the horrible side of me? …What will she say about the darkness?"

Liu Shan finally looked up to his brother only to find the image blurry. He blinked back tears and suppressed a moan of despair. Why did he have to be so weak? Why couldn't he just be a man and shrug it off, be indifferent to the pain? Why does it hurt so much?

Liu Feng put an arm around Liu Shan and pulled him closer. He tried to find the words to tell his brother, words to comfort his brother but the brothers both knew that he was clueless about the world of love. There was no experience he could draw from, no love gained or lost, the closest he had was the respect he had lost for the man who had adopted him. Emotions were not his strong suit.

"You're not a bad person, Liu Shan. You're smart, you're quick in mind and body, and you had a way with words that made even our father envious."

Liu Shan scoffed weakly. "I am nothing compared to my father."

"But it's true. Is it really bad for that woman to know how you really feel? I don't know much about confessions and everything but if the love stories say anything, it's that you are supposed to put yourself on the line and risk everything." He rubbed Liu Shan's shoulders. "Isn't it by risking everything that you gain the greatest reward?"

"I suppose." Liu Shan said unconvincingly. "But…but I don't even know if she would even consider me as an option. I might just be a friend to her."

"Then tell me." Liu Feng replied. "I don't know Xingcai that well so you might as well explain to me why you think she likes you only as a friend."

Liu Shan opened his mouth but realized there was nothing he could say. Anything that came into mind, that she was more harsh on him than others, that she was only his bodyguard, he could equally say that this was a sign of her affections. That in her own way she was tougher on him to make him better. She said she was disappointed in him, but was it that she thought she was not as strong as she wanted him to be or was it because she knew all along he was just pretending? There were plenty of things she had done that both a lover and a friend would do but nothing, he realized, was an act of friendship alone. Nothing.

Liu Feng smiled in the absence of an answer. "See? You're drawing a blank. Now explain to me why she might actually reciprocate your feelings."

Liu Shan gave a small smile. His brother may not be the most eloquent but he could speak from the heart better than anyone he knew. "You know," Liu Shan sniffled, "you're kind of treating me like I'm a baby."

Liu Feng shrugged. "Babies get pampered with attention all the time because they need it. Adults need it too but they're too stubborn to admit it. And besides, I'll be gone for a long time after this and there's no way I can tell anyone this—much as I'd like to. Your secrets will be taken to my grave."

Liu Shan rolled his eyes. "That's if you even get a grave."

Liu Feng smirked. "You got to hope, Shan, you got to hope. Now come on, spill. I still need to figure out if this woman is worthy of my brother's affections."

"Never pegged you for a gossip, Feng." Liu Shan chuckled lightly, wiping away what remained of his tears. He was feeling a little bit better. Thinking of the good moments with Xingcai still made him happy. "One time I accompanied Xingcai on a mission and I shared a room with her. Two cramped beds in a room the size of the buffet table, separated by a small paper screen. She didn't object nearly as much as I thought she would. Another time I had an accident and she fixed up my shoulder, even if she didn't need to. The bruise is still there. Then there was the time she shared a bath with me—"

"Hold on." Liu Feng pointed at Liu Shan. "You shared a BATH with a WOMAN? And you think she doesn't LIKE YOU?!"

"W-well the circumstances in HOW she ended up sharing a bath with me are nothing romantic. I didn't even see anything. Though…" Liu Shan looked down bashfully, "she did ask me to…massage her back." He mumbled.

Liu Feng slapped his hand to his head. "Brother, if you have any common sense, you will know this woman definitely likes you—no, more than that! She wants you." He laughed. "Naughty naughty, brother, leaving a poor woman like that with no one to cuddle with."

Thinking back about it, it was more than a little indecent sharing a bath with someone of the opposite gender, regardless of your relationship. Liu Shan blushed at the thought. "B-but it could very well that she sees me like a brother or something." Liu Shan handwaved. "I'm sure if it were any other man she trusted, she would also be fine with their presence."

Liu Feng shook his head, smirking knowingly at his brother. "Look, brother, your biggest flaw was always that you underestimated yourself. And right now with this woman you are doubting too much about whether you are right for her."

"I-I know, Feng." Liu Shan knew far too well. His father had lectured him on it too many times on it and sometimes he got over it but there was always this self-doubt, this fear that the power he wielded was too great, that his real self had to be hidden away so he wouldn't disappoint everybody further. There was always a part of him that believed the lie he had built for himself. A part of himself that believed he truly was a fool of the lowest caliber.

"I know there is confidence inside of you. I mean, there must be something within you because you didn't chicken out when a girl entered the same bath as you. The Liu Shan I knew the last time I saw him would've been such a gentleman he would've left right away or just hid in a corner until she left."

Liu Shan chuckled despite himself. That did sound like something he might've done once, much as he hated to admit it.

"And you always had the makings of a ruler, Shan. I know more than anyone you are smart and strong and gifted that you can hold this country on its shoulders. But you know you can't hold it up alone. Everybody needs support to carry the weight of the world and as much as I'd like to be that support, that opportunity is far, far away now. For too long you've tried to hold it up yourself but now you're finally letting someone in. Letting someone help you."

"Where are you going with this?" Liu Shan asked.

"I'm saying you have to tell her your feelings. This instant, if you could. You've only told me three things she's done that suggests she's attracted to you and I'm certain that's not even close to the other stories you have but are not going to tell me. And even if I am wrong, she sounds like she is devoted to you. If she's your bodyguard she will be there to support you in my absence. And really, if in the end it doesn't work out, isn't that good enough?"

"I suppose it is." Liu Shan suddenly buried his head in his hands and moaned. "But she quit her job because of the betrothal. And regardless of what either of us feel, my last conversation with her went horribly. I don't even know if she will forgive me if I go to her."

"Then go and talk to her."

Liu Shan blinked. His brother's face was impassive, which only lent more weight to his words. "B-b-but…are you going to be here tomorrow? You realize if I go now I don't know when I will be back, I could be back in a few minutes or I could be back in the middle of the night. Will you…be waiting for me?"

Liu Feng hung his head low. His eyes closed for a reflective moment, calming himself in preparation. "I don't know." He admitted. "Generous as the lord I am working for may be, he is not so generous enough to allow me another day of rest like today without an excuse. I might be lucky and see you tomorrow but after that, there is no telling when our next meeting will be…if there will be one."

"You're gonna give up what might be our final moment together just so I can chase after some girl?"

"We both know it's not just 'some girl'. She means a lot to you. More than you want to admit to anybody, maybe even yourself." Liu Feng suddenly broke out into a coy smile. "Just make sure you don't cry too much when she gives you her answer."

Liu Shan laughed at the thought. "Is that supposed to be for when she says 'yes' or 'no'?"

Liu Feng laughed as he pulled Liu Shan closer and rubbed his head a little. "For you, I'd say both, just in case."

Liu Shan chuckled as he stared off into the distance. Sunset was fast approaching and the foot traffic on the town has decreased significantly. People were now resting, contemplating, relaxing. Everybody would be returning home. Including Xingcai.

"Feng, I'm sorry we couldn't spend more time together today. Just know that I appreciate everything you've done for me." Liu Shan said. "Give my apologies to mother as well. Oh, and…don't mention the bath incident." Liu Shan slowly released himself from his brother's grasp and approached the edge of the rooftop.

"Hey, Shan. Before you go."

Liu Shan turned around.

"I love you, bro. Always have and always will."

Liu Shan smiled broadly. "I love you too, brother—and mother too, of course. She'll probably come back to haunt me if I don't say it before I go."

"I will." Liu Feng nodded. "Now go already before I kick you off the roof."

Liu Shan smirked. "Not before I kick you off first." Liu Shan said as he jumped down onto the ground and sprinted off to Xingcai's house. Up on the rooftop, a single teardrop fell down Liu Feng's eye as he smiled so bittersweet. His brother disappeared into the palace without a trace.

* * *

In front of Xingcai's house's door, Liu Shan took a couple of deep breaths. His hands were shaking and his heart was beating fast. He wasn't completely sure if it was anticipation or adrenaline that left him gasping for air but he did. He could faintly hear voices inside the house, Zhang Bao talking to Xingcai about something. His heart rate quickened and he placed a hand on his heart in the vain hope it will somehow quell to a more normal beat.

Heavens, now that he was here everything he had planned to say was coming up blank. How was he supposed to let Zhang Bao give him privacy? Or Lady Xiahou for that matter, what would he say to let her give him some privacy. Would Xingcai even let him in? Maybe it was a mistake, maybe—no! No, he had to do this, Liu Feng was right. This was a gigantic risk that might not pay off but he had to do it. There was still hope. Today he will reveal his true feelings and hopefully be paid in full with Xingcai's own. It was frightening, and he wasn't sure if he'd ever be friends with Xingcai if his hunch was wrong but it was now or never.

Liu Shan rapped his hand on the door three times and waited.

The door squeaked open to reveal Zhang Bao. Upon sight of the emperor, he was stunned momentarily but he quickly recovered and reverted into a state of impassiveness. "Lord Liu Shan." Zhang Bao stated, loud enough that Xingcai inside was sure to hear.

"Zhang Bao." Liu Shan ducked his head low. "I came to see Xingcai. I wanted a chance to speak with her privately."

Zhang Bao was unimpressed. "Xingcai already told me what you said. She had high hopes for you. Honestly, after hearing the stories surrounding you recently so did I. So if it's not too difficult to comprehend, you will understand if I don't let you in."

"Please, don't do this." Liu Shan pleaded. "I need to apologize and it's not in right conscience for me to leave things as they did. Let me talk to her. Please."

Zhang Bao was about to say something but a few muffled words from Xingcai made him turn his head. He grimaced and stood to one side. "Xingcai wants to talk to you too." Liu Shan nodded slowly as he went through the doorway but as he passed through, Zhang Bao whispered, "If you make Xingcai upset again, I will not have any qualms throwing you out."

Liu Shan swallowed but kept his composure. "I won't. I promise." Liu Shan replied quietly.

He followed the short familiar path past the dining room to their living area where Xingcai sat. She stared at him as he entered, her eyes an empty void he could not read. It was strange to see Xingcai without her signature red lipstick. As he slowly approached, Liu Shan could see she was not wearing any makeup at all. Sitting at a couch, Xingcai had dressed very plainly wearing a simple robe, the hair adornments gone, her short skirt gone in favour of a long one that went down all the way to her ankles. It was very different from what Xingcai normally wore but then Liu Shan was by now used to it.

Was it just him or was Xingcai checking him out? As he approached, her eyes roamed up and down his body, scanning him in a way that made him feel suddenly bashful. His head sharply swiveled to the side, hoping she doesn't catch the faint glimpses of red on his cheeks.

"Zhang Bao," Xingcai addressed, "Would you mind leaving Liu Shan and me to talk?"

"I'll be in my bedroom then. Something happens, you let me know. I don't want another Lord Wen incident." Zhang Bao began to walk but just before he left he paused in his footsteps. "Don't forget what's happening tonight. He might come early."

"This shouldn't take too long." Xingcai glanced at Liu Shan. "At least, I should hope it does not take too long."

Liu Shan nodded stiffly. "I-It will not take long if all goes well, I assure you."

Great, he was getting nervous again. Why can't the Casanova Liu Shan that could flirt with girls all day come back? He was so much better at these kind of moments.

Zhang Bao left. Xingcai gestured to a seat opposite her meant for guests and quickly Liu Shan sat down. On the table was a single cup of tea that Xingcai sipped lightly and elegantly, her eyes never leaving Liu Shan. Extended eye contact. That wasn't usually a good sign.

Xingcai set the cup down. An eyebrow quirked up. "So you really were the man at the restaurant earlier today. You look…different, Liu Shan."

He quickly glanced down than back at Xingcai, a hand combing through his hair. In his haste, he forgot to get out of his disguise. Stupid, stupid! "S-sometimes I dress this way to avoid attention." Why was he lying now? He wanted to be truthful and yet he's starting with this? Liu Shan continued, "It's…not easy being in the spotlight. Sometimes I just want to…take a break from it. Be normal for once."

Xingcai barely hid her frown. She was doing everything in her power to remain civil. "Liu Shan, I must tell you that Guan Ping is coming soon. He's invited me for dinner at his residence and he will be picking me up no later than 20 minutes from now. If you have something to say to me, say it now."

Liu Shan's shoulders fell. This complicated matters. "You're right. I'm sorry. I just…I came here to tell you two things. The first is that I am sorry for what I said the last time we met. I saw Guan Ping confess to you and I panicked. I didn't know how to react and I just blurted the first thing that came into my head. Even now I feel so ashamed for making you lose faith in me like that. And I came here to make amends, to apologise and just…hope you will forgive me."

Xingcai sat quietly and took another sip of her tea. She took in every word and she was analyzing it carefully, thinking carefully about what was said and what she will say. She set down the cup once more. Her expression was inscrutable. "Was it true?" She asked.

"What is?"

"What you said last time. About being a fool. About lying to me. About being fine. Was all that true?" At the last question, her voice cracked, dissatisfaction all but evident.

"You deserve the truth. And the truth is that I did lie to you, but not in the way you expect." Liu Shan looked at Xingcai expectantly. "But I will not hide anything from you anymore, Xingcai. No more lies. I will tell you everything."

"Then tell me." Xingcai pleaded quietly, desperately. "I need to know."

Liu Shan nodded and took in a shaky breath. His hands balled up into fists, his nails clawing into his flesh his only comfort. "The truth is that I am not a fool. Deep inside me I know I am smarter than I give myself credit for, and I am probably also stronger too. Maybe I really can be the ruler Shu needs and deserves but…I've always felt so powerless. So weak. You alone are much stronger than I am, physically and emotionally, and I envy that so much. You've been my support for so long, both as my friend and as my bodyguard that when I was confronted with the idea that you would not be by my side, I…"

"You were lost…" Xingcai finished. She stood up and slowly approached Liu Shan. Her eyes bore into his, as if staring at his soul. "When a person that integral to your life is suddenly gone, everything feels different. Like something is missing. Like something you need is missing."

It was a slow realization for Liu Shan to understand Xingcai wasn't just talking about him. Gazing up at her body, he suddenly recalled only once seeing her without makeup, at her sister's funeral as she wept as quietly as possible, trying her hardest not to draw attention to herself. Perhaps Xingcai did not look as good as she normally did when she wore makeup but that did not mean she looked unattractive. Even at her plainest she looked gorgeous.

"I know," she whispered as she stood in front of him. His muscles were taut as she leaned down and placed her hands on the collar, fixing it up slowly. Liu Shan stared wide-eyed, unable to move as the blushing Xingcai teasingly moved her hand up and brushed a piece of hair out of his eyes. "I have known for a long time you had potential, but until recently it was just that. Potential. I only just realized that the reason I wasn't getting through to you was because we were both afraid to break down each other's walls. Once you slowly let me in did I finally see what you were truly capable of."

His breathing quickened and it was getting harder and harder to take his focus away from Xingcai. She had positioned herself so that she took up the majority of his field of vision, made it so that he could only escape her from his sight was by closing his eyes and that felt so very, very hard to do. She was too good a seductress when she wanted to be. His hand gingerly grabbed her sleeve, pulling her down slightly so that her face was closer to his. He breathed in her faint natural scent, his lips parted slightly as he stared at her. The world was drowning out.

"You might not have meant what I said back then but I did. I like your other smiles. And I like the real Liu Shan far more than the fake one who thinks himself a fool." She tucked a hair out of her face shyly. "I accept your apology and give my own in return. I shouldn't have said you were disappointing me and I shouldn't have put my unease onto you. I was upset from Guan Ping's confession and I took it out on you. I'm sorry too, Liu Shan."

Liu Shan chuckled quietly to ease both Xingcai's mind and the tension in the air. "I accept your apology too, Xingcai. I am glad we can still be friends."

Xingcai's eyes fixated themselves on his shirt, the barest of smiles she might have worn perished in the blink of an eye. She splayed her hands on his stomach, putting the lightest of pressure on the fabric. She didn't seem to fully comprehend what she was doing, just following her impulses. "That was point number one. What was the second thing you want to talk about?"

Liu Shan felt like he would explode in anticipation if he did not do anything. He abruptly stood up and pulled her arms closer to him, closing the distance between the two bodies fast. Xingcai gasped. There was hunger and fire in his eyes as he leaned closer until their noses almost grazed each other and he could see the microscopic expressions she made as her surprise quickly turned into acceptance. Finally he understood why these moments kept happening, why he kept getting drawn in like this despite his attempts to keep his distance, why he can't seem to let go. It was because Xingcai too couldn't keep herself away too. Maybe his brother was right, maybe she was attracted to him, maybe she wanted him as much as he wanted her. And if that was the case…

"Xingcai," Liu Shan whispered tenderly. "I lov—"

The squeak of the front door opening took both of them by surprise, instinctively taking a step back which made Liu Shan fall down back into his seat and Xingcai to squeal in surprise as her leg bumped the table behind her. The teacup rattled slightly but did not fall. They both had the same instinct to tidy themselves up, their gaze broken as they turned to different pieces of furniture to take their attention. Guan Ping entered the room, barely hiding the present he hid behind his back. He looked quizzically at Xingcai before turning his attention to Liu Shan. He stared for a while until he reached an epiphany. His eyebrows rose.

"Is…is that you, my lord?"

Liu Shan sheepishly smiled at Guan Ping. "S-surprise?"

Guan Ping blinked. "You look...different." He flicked his head to Xingcai and immediately broke into a grin. "I hope I didn't interrupt your moment, I realize I'm a bit early." He joked, unaware of the tension hanging in the air.

Xingcai cleared her throat, the redness in her cheeks fading. "M-my lord wanted to make amends with me. We had a bit of a falling out but we've forgiven each other." She looked down at her dress before crossing her arms shyly. "I-I'm sorry I didn't dress up tonight. If you would give me just a few moments I can ready myself."

"No, no, it's fine. You still look beautiful as always." Guan Ping smiled brightly. "I'm glad you seem better now. I've heard you were feeling a bit down lately but it's a relief to see you are back to normal."

Liu Shan glanced at Xingcai but she instead stared intently at Guan Ping. She avoided the emperor's gaze but her slight blush betrayed her. "I-I am fine now, I just needed some time to think and contemplate." She looked at Liu Shan from the corner of her eye. "Patching things up with Lord Liu Shan helped."

"I-I am glad our conversation went well but I feel like I am intruding." Liu Shan said. "Before I go, might I ask where you two are going? You seem to have plans."

Guan Ping was eager to answer. "Well of course as my new girlfriend and—strange as it is to say—betrothed, I have to officially introduce Xingcai to my family. Just because everybody knows her doesn't mean I don't get everybody's permission." Guan Ping looked expectantly at Xingcai. "Yinping might be a bit excited a little overly excited about being your sister-in-law. A-a-and Xing and Suo are definitely gonna ask about our relationship so I hope that's not too much. I-I know my family might be a bit overwhelming because of the betrothal and everything but they do mean well. Although…that's…not the most comforting thing to say, I realize." Guan Ping smiled nervously.

Xingcai walked up to Guan Ping and placed a hand on his shoulder. "It will be fine, they all know me and I'm sure your mother will allow the marriage. Do not worry." Xingcai turned to Liu Shan and frowned. "Perhaps we will see each other soon, my lord. Before the betrothal."

His stomach fell. How many opportunities did he have to confess to Xingcai that have just slipped away from his fingers? Despite the pain in his heart, Liu Shan smiled and waved, knowing all too well that Xingcai knew his smile to be fake. "It is best that I go anyway. My best wishes for the both of you. I hope tonight goes well."

Guan Ping grinned at Xingcai, nervous yet excited. "I hope it goes well too. A-after all, this is the first time we've introduced each other to our families like this, right?"

Xingcai smiled cordially. "It will be an experience. Almost certainly a good one, I can imagine."

As Guan Ping showed Xingcai the present behind his back and began to explain the gift, Liu Shan slinked away from the couple and left the house without even a goodbye. He gazed up to the moon and closed his eyes and imagined once again the moments that had transpired before Guan Ping's arrival. Over and over, it repeated, his lips so close to saying those three words he had been repressing for so long, always interrupted by the squeak of a door. And then he imagines other, very similar moments and how they abruptly ended, almost always by his volition.

He wanted to say the pain he felt was jealousy for Guan Ping but he felt no resentment for the general who had found his courage much sooner and who had the strength of mind to confess first. This pain was not born of such dark thoughts. And it would be easy to say it was because he needed Xingcai but it felt like it was more than that. He did need Xingcai but maybe it wasn't just because he loved her. Maybe he needed someone to confide in.

Liu Shan wondered what would become of his mother and brother. They would disappear once again and then there will be no one to trust. And now Xingcai understands, even if only partially, that Liu Shan was a different person behind the fake smiles and the exaggerated idiocy. It was a small relief that the conversation went well but he still beat himself up for taking too long.

Maybe Xingcai was the one for him not because she was the smartest or strongest woman he knew, but because she was the one person in this palace he likened to a prison that he could confide in. Maybe Xingcai could understand.

With this in mind, Liu Shan went home and started the mental preparations for his next encounter with Xingcai. He will make sure he confesses and he will make sure Xingcai hears his feelings—dark and light and frightening all the same. By morning he was determined. The self doubts in his mind had finally begun to quiet.


	16. Children of the stars

_Hola people I am back and a WEEK BEFORE my usual monthly schedule AND the western release date of Dynasty Warriors 9. Too bad where I am the release date is the 20th which SUCKS. So...yeah. Lucky people, those of you who get DW9 on day 1.  
_

_You may or may not have seen the people on youtube and twitch who got the game early and let me be the bearer of controversial news: the English dub is FINE. It's good, you could argue. Same amount of cringy voices from before which was actually quite a few but people have EMOTION now and, best of all, Liu Shan is STILL GOOD people. I'll tell you right here and right now, soon as I get the game I'm speedrunning up until chapter 10 where he's unlocked, I'm gonna PLAY as Liu Shan and I am gonna ROMANCE THE **** OUT OF XINGCAI IN MY FREAKING LOVE SHACK IN THE WOODS! That's what the hideaways are really for: small secluded house away from the big cities, often in romantic but secluded spots, with limited furniture including a couch and a bed? YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON THERE_

_...On another note, if you guys get any footage of Liu Shan and Xingcai shacking up in the game, I will be extremely happy and almost maybe a little bit jealous._

_And yeah, you guys surely heard about Xiahouji being in the game...yeah. No seriously, I did not expect her to actually be added. Marketing wise, it's a bad move because while rape crimes definitely need representation, it is NOT A GOOD CHOICE to do so in a game like DW. Even worse is that they're making it so that Zhang Fei 'loves' her now. Look, I'll tell it to you straight. Zhang Fei in this story did kinda love her but more in a possessive way, like a master to a slave, not as a husband to his wife. Xiahouji, or Lady Xiahou as I call her, is suffering from the household version of Stockholm syndrome and knows her husband was horrible but cannot bring herself to stop loving him. But yeah, I can do that because this is a piece of writing that's analysing the very struggles of love and romance. A game like Dynasty Warriors, it's just...I don't know, it doesn't fit with the overall theme of war and manipulation._

_Onto hopefully happier topics, for any Guan Ping x Xingcai fans, this chapter is for you. I admit, I don't ship the two as anything more than the bestest of buds but I can see the potential and if you want your romance-ish moments, they're definitely in this chapter. There's always a bit of a bias when writing about ships you don't necessarily ship yourself but I had to include it and hopefully I did it justice and didn't make Guan Ping or Xingcai too much of a jerk. I don't this idea of putting down one ship to bring up another and I want you people to know that Guan Ping is a SWEETIE WHO DID NOT WRONG AND MUST BE PROTECTED! I'M SORRY GUAN PING BUT SHE LOVES LIU SHAN IN THIS STORY. I WILL MAKE IT UP TO YOU I SWEAR!_

_I don't own KoeiTecmo, I don't own Dynasty Warriors OR the latest copy of the game (YET). What I do own is unfortunately not tax deductable_

Chapter 16: Children of the stars

For the past few hours Xingcai had been silently staring at her open closet. She did not care about the plain underdresses meant to go over her armour nor did she care about the two beautifully tailored dresses to the side in their own little corner, her presents from Liu Shan that she actively tried to avoid looking at. Instead she stared into the darkness between the clothes, marveled at the empty space for how boring it was, how ingenious it was that the design made it so that your focus was on the clothes in the front instead of the dark, boring back. But Xingcai stared regardless, disregarding logic and habit in a whim.

Xingcai's formal introduction to Guan Ping's family went as well as it possibly could have. Guan Yinping seemed especially enthusiastic about Xingcai's presence, joyous both that her brother finally has a girlfriend and that Xingcai could potentially be her sister, and yet despite her glee she did not intrude. It was clear from the glint in her eyes she was saving her questions for the next meeting. Guan Xing and Guan Suo were louder about their relief Guan Ping had scored a date, mentioning in detail Guan Ping's pining over the years to his blushing shame which Xingcai giggled at good-naturedly. The brothers were respectful and kind and were all too ready to welcome Xingcai into their family as though she was one of their own. Together they dined and chat and laughed until the night hit its peak and they all retired for the night, Guan Ping escorting Xingcai back home. He sealed the night with a quick kiss on her lips, a quiet reminder of his affection.

She had to admit, she felt guilty for leading the Guan family on. She'd love to be a part of their family and she enjoyed greatly Guan Ping's affections but even now all she could think about was Liu Shan.

Only today did she understand Liu Shan's warnings, how you could marry someone and be in love with them but have the wrong kind of love. In the past, much as she hated to admit, she thought the scenario very unlikely, an anomaly that only occurred due to Liu Shan's unique personality and her sister's unconditional, boundless love. It was a frightening reality how eerily similar then her situation was with Guan Ping at the moment with what Liu Shan suffered with long ago. At least Liu Shan did not have someone he was infatuated with in his marriage. Perhaps that was why he was able to last as long as he did.

There was no doubt Guan Ping was infatuated with Xingcai. No matter the situation he faced, once she walked into his field of vision now he would instantaneously drop whatever he was doing and smile at her with those puppy dog eyes that could give Liu Shan a run for his money. If Guan Ping were more confident he would probably shower her with compliments but instead he was more comfortable asking her how her day was or telling her something he believed to be of interest and would talk animatedly on the subject if she partook in conversation. Xingcai would have thought the constant questions would get annoying but instead she had found them endearing—albeit probably not in the way Guan Ping intended. In fact Xingcai had no real qualms with her new relationship with Guan Ping. Yes, it was almost completely different from what they had before as friends and yes, he might be a little bit clingy at times but she expected Guan Ping to mature as the relationship progressed, expected over time that he would understand what boundaries to push and what boundaries to leave alone and figure out how to best fulfill both her needs and his own. He'd make a perfect, doting husband in the future, there was no doubt in her mind, and yet even with all this she wasn't _satisfied_. Xingcai understood too late, a melancholic sigh leaving her lips, that love was not just about having the perfect man for a partner.

Maybe that was it. She didn't want the perfect man. Maybe she wanted the imperfect man. The ever improving man. The man with potential so boundless there was little chance to ever see its true form. At least, that was the one conclusion she came to that made sense so far though it was far from the true origins of her increasingly complex feelings over both Liu Shan and Guan Ping.

"Xingcai?" Zhang Bao peeked his head from behind the door and upon noticing Xingcai is proper entered the room. He studied his sister all the way down from her combed ebony hair down to her small, calloused feet. "What's up, sis, you haven't dressed yet? Guan Ping'll be here any minute now."

Xingcai huffed. "I can't decide what to wear. I've been wearing the same dress over and over and I feel like I need to change it but everything else in my wardrobe is either tattered or too casual."

"What about that one?" He pointed to an emerald green dress with an accompanying sash.

"I wore that yesterday. I can't wear the same dress over and over again."

"Why not? You've been doing it all the time before with the other dates. Why is this one different?"

"Because they did not know better. And I did not care about my appearance as much back then. Guan Ping's different." Zhang Bao should know as much already, especially if he plans to keep watch like he did with the previous several dates.

Zhang Bao scratched his chest idly as he gave a quick glance into the chaste closet interior. He took out a dress from the end. "What about this one? I haven't seen you wear it before. Is this mom's?"

"…Liu Shan bought that to me." She replied monotonously.

Zhang Bao quickly put the dress back. He knew Liu Shan was still a touchy subject with Xingcai, although she wasn't entirely sure if he knew that the reasons why have changed. He rocked on his heels for a bit before quietly mumbling, "Sorry, sis. Didn't want to bring that up."

"That dress," Xingcai ignored what he said earlier, "is what I will be wearing for the betrothal party. It is much too fancy for a tour around the town and I do not want to ruin it before the party."

"So this really is a date, huh?" Zhang Bao leaned forward and waggled his eyebrows.

Xingcai lightly shoved her brother away, giggling as she did so. "OK, yes, I'm goin on a date with Guan Ping. Just don't tell him that or he will die from happiness."

"Believe me, you could just tell him you love him and his spirit will be flying to our fathers to brag about his success."

With some back and forth between her brother about what to wear, Xingcai decided on a plainer, more comfortable dress and shoes and quickly prepared her makeup to suit. Her lips were pink instead of the usual red she wore and the dress in question was a light pink robe with matching skirt that she normally did not wear. As a finishing touch, Guan Ping's present from yesterday, a simple gold necklace adorned with small turquoise stones, hung around her neck. Just as Xingcai finished combing her hair, Guan Ping knocked on the door, a blissful smile pressed onto his cheeks. He looked up and down before settling his eyes on her collar.

"The necklace suits you very well." Catching himself, Guan Ping cleared his throat loudly and added, more nervously, "I-it is to your liking, right? If you prefer me to get you a different necklace we can always go to the store today and trade it."

Xingcai smiled reassuringly. "The necklace is fine, thank you." She looked down at her dress. "You think I look alright?"

"You look stunning, but then you always did." Guan Ping seized Xingcai's right hand in a swooping gesture and planted a kiss on its back. "My lady." He smiled.

She could feel her brother rolling his eyes in amusement behind her, his arms crossed in front of him as he leaned on the wall at the back of the room. "Don't take too long, you two. You both still need to work the details with us about the party."

"I will not." Guan Ping said. "Give my regards to Lady Xiahou, please?"

Zhang Bao grinned just a touch too wide. "No promises. Now come on, get. I've got the house to myself this afternoon and I intend to enjoy my 'me time' alone."

With a shake of his head and a laugh on his lips, Guan Ping bid farewell to Zhang Bao. With Xingcai's hand in his own, they slowly left behind the palace and headed for the markets.

As she looked over her shoulder before she left, she noticed her brother frowning, his eyes boring into hers. The look of disappointment Zhang Bao gave her lingered in her mind as she walked.

It had been a long time since either of them had ever ventured out into town. With their fortune and their standing in the palace there was little need to explore and be a part of the crowds looking for goods; their duties until now were to keep guard and keep watch for dissidents and criminals. It was one of the first activities Guan Ping suggested—exploring the town and shopping—and one that they quickly agreed on as a first date but now seeing the town from within and not from the gilded walls of the palace changed Xingcai's perspective immensely. There was an overwhelming sense of liveliness and struggle, the cheerful if oblivious middle class shopping around and gazing at wares, unaware of the cutthroat fighting and bickering between the shops and their owners. Crowds gathered like moths to a flame to the biggest sales, ignoring the crafts of others, and yet despite this there was undeniably a welcoming atmosphere to the markets as people greeted others with shouts and waves, hoping to entice a customer to be a patron. How strange, this merciless yet comfortable world the town has created for itself.

Xingcai walked slowly as she observed the various wares of the street vendors, Guan Ping trailing behind her, a dog eagerly by the side of his master. She had quickly taken the role of 'leader' for this date knowing well that Guan Ping would have little idea of where to go or what to do. Even as he walked beside her, the jittery nerves of a first date looming over his head, he gazed at the world with hesitation and apprehension. There was so much that was new today to explore, to discover. With a gentle smile she hoped would ease his mind, she guided him through the people and the stalls on their journey.

Shopping was still a new experience with Xingcai so she rarely stopped by any stalls. If she did, it was because she recollected a story based on an item she saw. Memories arose to the surface. She would hold a dull, smooth red stone in her fingertips and mention how Lord Liu Shan bought a similar stone for its good luck properties. She'd look at a display of a few colourful beads and she would remember the time her lord had bumped into a palace seamstress carrying a box full of these beads. He would trip over the beads hundreds of times. _He is so clumsy_ she said with an irrepressible smile. She'd recount the stories so ingrained into her memory, artifacts of her happier, simpler times in her mind.

As Xingcai continued explaining the stories, Guan Ping's smile began to fall, too slowly for Xingcai to notice. She was lost in the memories.

As the sun was high in the sky, the crowds grew so big the couple had to squeeze past patrons just to cross the road. In those moments Guan Ping would clasp Xingcai's hand and lead her through the throngs of people. When there was breathing room, he'd linger behind and allow Xingcai to take the lead once more. But the streets were being rapidly filled with men, women, and children. Their ability to move freely was decreasing by the second.

"I think we should probably find a restaurant or something to stay. Grab some food and drink and wait out all these crowds." Guan Ping said.

"I agree, but where? I do not see any restaurants nearby."

Guan Ping pointed at a small teashop on the opposite side of the street. "That place might be good to stop by."

Xingcai did not even respond, instead grabbing Guan Ping's hand and squeezing the both of them through the people until they entered the establishment. Anything to escape the stifling crowds.

The teashop was old and rustic, wood varnish rubbing off in the well-worn areas of the floor while the walls held an ugly shade of white-green, a possible hint to mold and the disarray of the building. There were few patrons, never a good sign for a teashop at noon, but at least the servers were diligent in their hospitality, the fine quality of the cups and pots they served a stark contrast to the tired building they reside in. A lady wearing an apron and an eager smile approached them by the entrance.

"Table for two?" She asked with well-practiced impassiveness.

"Yes, please." Guan Ping replied. "Preferably a quiet table, if you do not mind."

The waitress nodded. "Of course, sir. This way."

She took them to a table towards the back where the noise of the crowds were no louder than the buzzing of a fly. Guan Ping observed his surroundings, scanning for any inconveniences and when he found it was to his liking, he sat down, Xingcai following suit. A different, younger waitress babbled the menu at such a fast pace Xingcai could barely understand what was said. Guan Ping, noticing Xingcai's struggles to understand what was being said, ordered two of the same. The waitress bowed before leaving for the kitchen.

"I hope that was alright. I probably should have let you order. I realize just now that I don't actually know what you like." Guan Ping blushed in shame.

Xingcai shook her head. "You made the right choice, I barely understood half of the items she mentioned. I'm sure I will like what you order."

Guan Ping smiled. "I guess we'll both find out if you're OK with green tea. Still, it would be nice for the both of us to know what we like—for next time, that is. For example, if you ask me what tea I like, I'd say I'm fond of green tea. It was my favourite growing up."

"I personally prefer black tea because it is a simple taste and it has a strong taste though I am not opposed to fruit teas on occasion." Xingcai stared wistfully outside, a smile slowly spreading. "I remember Lord Liu Shan liked Oolong tea. He'd always go out of his way to acquire the strangest, most exotic flavours for himself and even though he knew I was not a fan he'd make me try regardless, just to get a reaction out of me. I could never understand how he was able to tolerate the taste, let alone enjoy it."

What she would do to be by her lord's side once again and sipping his strange tea. Seeing him again yesterday brought her out of the blues she felt before but now it only made her miss him more. She could still talk to him if she ever got the courage to. Their friendship had been restored and yet he never felt so distant from her. So far away…

Guan Ping shifted in his seat, looking uncomfortable just as she took herself away from her daydreams. An undeniable frown had set on his features. He leaned his arms on the table, his expression concerned but no satisfaction is asked for or achieved.

"Is there something wrong?" Xingcai asked, concern seeping into her voice.

The corner of his lip twitched down. "You talk about Lord Liu Shan a lot today…"

By instinct or by fear, Xingcai crossed her arms in front of herself. Did Guan Ping figure out her true feelings? No, this was too soon, far too soon for this conversation. It can't be here in public.

"I know something happened between you and my lord but out of respect and for fear of upsetting you I did not ask. But now that you have had your time to think, maybe you will finally tell me what happened?"

"It is nothing." Xingcai dismissed. "Nothing that concerns you."

"Not concern me? Xingcai, we will be betrothed by the end of this week, and marriage will probably not be long after that. If not as your future husband then as your friend, won't you tell me what is on your mind?"

"Look, we had a bit of an argument but it has resolved itself. In fact we both resolved it yesterday, before you arrived. I did not mention it because there was nothing more to talk about." The grip on her arms tightened. "It is the past and I do not like relishing in the past."

Even as she said that, she recalled the feeling of his soft cotton shirt in her hands as she pressed her palms to his core. His eyes full of need stared her down, stood their ground as he pulled her close, relishing the moment for just a moment before they were rudely interrupted. She closed her eyes and let her mind fill in the gaps and imagine a scenario where they would not be interrupted. Every single time she let her imagination continue the moment, Liu Shan always ends up kissing her. Every single time he kissed her in her daydreams, her heart is filled with disappointment—not just for the moment lost and the kiss that could have been but also for allowing her brain to torture her so.

"Xingcai," Guan Ping started, his voice carrying her conscience back into reality, "Did Lord Liu Shan…say something to you?"

She blinked. "Say something? Whatever do you mean?"

"You know, something unusual, something _heartfelt_. Did he say anything about his feelings that were…more than just friendly?"

_If only_ she mouthed silently to herself, just out of sight of Guan Ping's scrutiny. "He has said nothing to me." She proclaimed, her voice higher than she willed it to be. "If anything it is other people who think we share such a relationship. But my lord has said nothing and done nothing to suggest he is anything but my friend."

"Are you sure about that?" Now he was interrogating her. He made no threat but the worry of Liu Shan sinking his claws into the person he held dear made his voice shake with fear and trepidation.

"What are you implying, Guan Ping?" She asked lowly.

"Did Lord Liu Shan do or say anything to suggest he loved you?"

"No! Do I have to repeat it for you? He has done and said nothing. Liu Shan is just my friend."

His voice was a whisper but the faint crackle of an ill-suppressed croak left his lips. "…You said 'Liu Shan'."

Xingcai went pallid. She could not hide that slip of the tongue. "G-Guan Ping, I—"

"Is there something I should know about, Xingcai? Something you are not telling me?" He asked anxiously.

"There is nothing." Xingcai blushed scarlet, her words just a fraction too quick. "I-I have not done anything either." Perhaps she meant it as the truth but the more she thought about her actions, the more she realized she's done far more than _nothing_ with Liu Shan.

"Xingcai," he pleaded. "Tell me the truth."

But admitting she loved Liu Shan more than she loved Guan Ping was selfish. And love was supposed to be the opposite, it was selfless and kind and nurturing, everything Guan Ping had embodied so far. Perhaps Liu Shan too would be just as kind and selfless as a suitor but she had to think about her future, her _immediate_ future as well as the distant future. Her selfishness had already hurt the pride of the many men who have failed to capture her heart and it had hurt her relationship with the one man she loved and held in regard above all else. She had to think about her family. She had to put aside her adoration for the unreachable stars and settle with the man who was grounded on reliable earth.

Who else but Guan Ping could promise her a future where she can be cared for and be loved?

"I-I am your girlfriend, and soon I will be your betrothed, your wife. I care for my lord perhaps a bit more than is appropriate for my station but that is because I believe him to be the leader Shu needs. But he is my friend, and my duty now is not just to this country but to you." She placed her hand on Guan Ping's fists, balled up in surprise and nervousness on the table. "He has done nothing and said nothing to suggest an attraction with me. I am yours just as you are mine, Guan Ping. Please understand that I am devoted to you."

His hands slowly uncoiled from her touch, unsure and hesitant but trusting regardless. Her eyes lidded as she spoke softly, mustering all the affection she had. "This might be a marriage of convenience for all intents and purposes but I do not want it to just be that. I want the both of us to work, I really do, and I'm…I'm sorry if I made you feel threatened by another man, especially if that man is Lord Liu Shan. I swear on the heavens, there is nothing going on with me and him."

"Really?" He asked so full of hope, so full of light. "You sure he has said nothing at all to you?"

"Nothing." Xingcai confirmed. "Nothing at all."

Guan Ping hummed in acknowledgement as he stared into their conjoined hands. "Such a coward." He murmured.

Xingcai never did ask what he meant by his eclectic words before the tea arrived and their hands separated. Embracing the silence, Xingcai sat and sipped quietly, watching the people pass by from the darkness inside the teahouse.

She did not lie, technically, but the remorse still cut through her heart, cleaving it into uneven pieces of two. How long was it going to be before she started lying to herself? How long was it going to be until these feelings of guilt go away?

* * *

It was late in the afternoon when they both return to the Zhang residence. After a preliminary check of the house they both made certain that Lady Xiahou and Zhang Bao were out. It did not take Guan Ping long before he led Xingcai to the couch and kissed her softly on the lips, his moans of relief echoing throughout the quiet, empty house. He cusped her chin gently, eyes wandering down and up pink silk and pink lips, savouring every sensation he felt. She went along with his kisses, followed his lead as she kissed back in equal intensity. There was no love in her actions, just the strange thrill of intrigue and the call to duty that allowed her to stay in this moment. His first kisses were simple yet sweet as he gingerly pecked the skin of her lips. His last kisses were deep and passionate, fueled by instinct and desire, groans and moans of desperation emitted from his throat as he hesitantly released her.

He was out of breath, speechless; she too was out of breath but less so than he was. She was quick to fix her appearance. Hair strands were tucked back into place and her robes shifted slightly to be symmetrical and fitted once more.

"That was... _wonderful,_ " he breathed out happily.

Xingcai blushed, not immediately replying. "W-we should be more careful about where we do this sort of thing in the future. It's not proper to do this out in the open where someone can see us."

Guan Ping pulled himself closer to Xingcai, smiling dreamily at her countenance. "I don't think I would mind all that much if people saw us." He wrapped an arm around her waist, his breath so close to her neck. "I want people to know that you are my love. Let the world know you are mine." He whispered.

She avoided his gaze, looking down at her clasped hands. Her body had never felt so stiff. "Still I…I know I am new to relationships and love but I am not a fan of public displays of affection. This may be my home but I do not want my brother or mother to see me like this."

"Fair enough." He sighed, sitting up a bit so he was now upright once more. His eyes gleamed like the brightest jewels. "Next time I will make sure it's completely private. For you."

Xingcai sighed quietly to herself, turning her head away so Guan Ping could not see her frowns. Every time he kissed her, every time he looked at her with the rapture of one thousand loves she could not find within herself those same, mimicked feelings in her heart. Every time she returned the favour and kissed him back she felt she was playing with his heart, torturing him with pleasure, keeping him prisoner from the ugly, disappointing truth she was now certain he would not like. She still did not know if she made the right decision deceiving Guan Ping into believing she loved him but she questioned the decision every day without fail, a constant reminder of her own ineptitude in the wars of romance.

She turned to him briefly and saw that love struck expression she was all too familiar with now. It was beautiful in its own way how the pinch of his cheeks and the crease of his brows made him equal parts loving yet shy, express without words the frightening new emotions he felt. In ways that she could not quite explain, it was familiar in a different way, harkening to a memory or two within her head that she could not quite decode. There was another person, she vaguely recalled, that had that self same look in his eyes but she did not know who it was. All she knew was that she hoped it was Liu Shan.

…Why did she still hold onto this selfish hope Liu Shan could love her?

Everybody expected, for one reason or another, that she would be together with Liu Shan. It was as obvious as the sun is bright that they were meant for each other, the two stars of Shu, brought together by destiny. But Xingcai never believed in destiny and until just weeks earlier did not think much of the man she was in the employ of. If only she had realized she had fallen for him, and much sooner than she initially thought. This was not out of nowhere, these feelings could not have just occurred out of nowhere, otherwise it shouldn't be so painful to be in a relationship with a different man. Deep in her heart, unacknowledged and unanswered until recently, she loved Liu Shan as passionately and as desperately as Guan Ping loved her.

Liu Shan had said recently that love was not easy. But he never said anything about love being this painful.

Zhang Bao and Lady Xiahou arrived back home soon with Guan Xing and Guan Yinping following shortly behind. To Xingcai's and Guan Ping's surprise, Zuo Ci also entered the household. No one questioned his presence and the couple decided not to either. Everybody set up and sat down around the dining table, Lady Xiahou and Guan Xing at the opposite heads of the table whilst Zuo Ci stood by Guan Xing's side. Guan Yinping sat next to Zhang Bao opposite the couple, a small polite wave of her hand the only thing that belied her otherwise serious and stoic face. Xingcai steadied the shaky breath that came out of her chest. This was a serious matter, this discussion of her impeding marriage to Guan Ping. All eyes were on her and Guan Ping and she must play her role as the loving girlfriend to perfection.

Oh heavens, she prayed, how could Liu Shan pretend to love a woman for so many years? Four days is far more than she could handle.

"If I may, I'd like to begin." Guan Xing spoke with practiced confidence. "As my father has passed away and because I am the first son by his blood, I humbly accept the role of patriarch for the Guan clan for these discussions. Master Zuo Ci has kindly accepted the role as matchmaker." Yinping cleared her throat obnoxiously loud. "Oh, and Yinping is taking the role of matriarch, being the only woman of the Guan family."

"Hi." Guan Yinping grinned.

"As is customary, I would like us to begin the first step of the six etiquettes: the proposal." Guan Xing gestures to Lady Xiahou and Guan Ping. "Since the betrothal party's date has already been set, I have conferred with Zuo Ci and agreed that the official start of the betrothal period will be three days after the party."

Zuo Ci nodded. "It is an auspicious day for the young couple. The stars are in alignment on that day. Lord Guan Xing has been prudent enough to have begun preparations on the betrothal gifts that shall be offered to the Zhang household."

"What will be the betrothal gifts?" Lady Xiahou asked.

Guan Yinping bounced in her seat. "We got some nice jewelry and some cool lucky charms. Ooh, I even got you a super special love charm, guaranteed to make your marriage prosperous and happy. You'll like it, Xingcai, I picked them just for you." She giggled.

Xingcai nodded cordially with a small smile. "I appreciate it." She'll need a super special love charm at this rate.

"I will take that as a sign that the betrothal gifts are accepted, am I not correct?" Guan Xing asked.

Lady Xiahou nodded eagerly. "I think they will be lovely. Any charm will be good for my daughter." Her eyes linger on Xingcai, piercing her soul. All of a sudden Xingcai felt very nervous. Did Zhang Bao tell mother about Liu Shan? Or did she figure out the truth of her daughter's feelings?

In trying to avoid her mother's stare, she saw Zuo Ci look at her with that same knowing look her mother held. All of a sudden Xingcai felt ill and nervous, phantom walls closing in on her. She never much liked having attention put on her but this felt suffocating in comparison to all the other times she had been placed under the spotlight.

"Before we continue, we must ask the most important question of all." Zuo Ci said enigmatically. "What are the problems between the union of the Guan and Zhang clan?"

"I already know what they are." Guan Ping replied morosely. "I am only the adopted son of Guan Yu and therefore will not bring the full honour my clan's name could bring. Neither are we rich but if the heavens bid it I will continue to uphold the legacy my father have left for me. And I will gladly share that legacy with Xingcai."

"I am not rich nor does my clan have the reputation of the Guan clan but what we do have is prestige and noble blood." Xingcai supplied. "This might sound foolish but what are the chances of Guan Ping marrying into the Zhang name instead of me marrying into the Guan name?"

Guan Xing shrugged. "Mother and Father would probably be horrified but I honestly do not care. But it does not matter what I think, the fact of the matter is that we both are noble families so for Guan Ping to marry into a woman's clan, no matter the circumstances, we will end up looking weaker as a result." He placed his hands properly on the table in front of him. "I will let you two decide that part."

Xingcai turned to Guan Ping, eyes widened slightly but ultimately trusting. She knew in an instant. He was allowing her alone to make the decision. "Then I shall marry into his family then." She placed her folded hands on the table near Guan Ping. He placed his own hands on top of hers. "I do not want his future to be limited by this marriage."

Guan Ping smiled sweetly, oblivious for a second of the people looking at him and when it did finally dawn on him, his cheeks crimsoned quickly. Behind their hands, Guan Yinping and Guan Xing chuckle light-heartedly. Zuo Ci, Zhang Bao, and lady Xiahou all continued to stare blankly at Xingcai. She did not like the stares they gave her. Not one bit.

The meeting went on for quite a while but there was little more that Xingcai felt required her attention. Potential wedding dates were discussed in great detail alongside the venue for the wedding. Xingcai was never much fussed with weddings and how they went and she did not really have much of an opinion on how it should go so she gladly allowed her mother to take charge of the planning stages. The only time she spoke up was to shut down Guan Yinping's plans for an extravagant wedding. Neither families had the money and there was no need to announce any more than Xingcai had already that she was getting married, and fortunately Guan Ping shared her sentiments.

After the proposal was done and there was nothing left to discuss, the conversation eased into more trivial topics, overarching questions about the weather and the war passed around the table to be answered with a few, short comments. Snacks and food were offered but declined by both Zuo Ci and the Guan family and the tension Xingcai felt in her shoulders and her heart began to fade. Guan Ping smiled beside her, lips permanently quirked upwards in her presence. She allowed herself to relax for once as everybody chatted about their lives, letting the sounds of their voices wash over her.

But the time for everybody to leave was imminent. A loud growl could suddenly be heard, startling everybody. At its origin, Guan Yinping smiled sheepishly as she clutched her stomach. "S-sorry, everybody. I guess I am a little bit hungry."

"You know what, I am getting a bit hungry too." Guan Ping patted his empty stomach. "I could really go for dinner right now."

"We should probably be heading home then if we want to get dinner on the table before Yinping starves to death." Guan Xing quipped.

Guan Yinping pouted. "I get hungry..." She whined.

Guan Xing smiled teasingly. "I'm not judging, it's fine," Guan Xing bowed to Lady Xiahou. "It was lovely to see you all again. Thank you for having us over and for being such gracious hosts."

"No, thank you all for coming. You all have been a great help." Lady Xiahou smiled brilliantly.

The guests were beginning to gather their things in preparation for their departure. At the corner of the room, the once loud and confident Zhang Bao stood quietly as he watched everybody pack up. More specifically, he was watching one young man in particular as he packed up. Xingcai smiled as she approached her brother. The look he gave was very similar to the one she gave Liu Shan; same smile, same shameful blush, and quite possibly the same thoughts too.

"You should talk to Guan Xing." Xingcai quietly suggested.

Zhang Bao scoffed. "You said you were going to confess to Lord Liu Shan and yet you are now engaged to Guan Ping, so I am guessing you did not confess your feelings yet. I have no obligation to tell him, unlike you."

That horrid feeling in her stomach worsened. She ignored it to the best of her ability. "B-but this is the perfect time. Convince him to talk to you alone, say your piece, tell him how you feel. It's…it's not like you to just mope around and watch from a distance."

"Sis, we had a deal, a promise. And that promise was that you confessed to Lord Liu Shan and I do the same with Guan Xing. You did not uphold your end of the bargain, so I don't have to uphold mine." He turned his gaze to Guan Ping, who was happily chatting to Guan Yinping about something. His voice was low and dark as he spoke. "Why did you say yes to Guan Ping if you don't love him? And why pretend that you do love him?"

"I do love Guan Ping. It's just…it's not the same love I hold for my lord. With Guan Ping I feel safe and comfortable but with Lord Liu Shan it's more than that. It is electric, it is tangible, and it is far more powerful than my love for Guan Ping."

"But is that really love? Or is it just pity you are feeling?"

"About Liu Shan or Guan Ping?" She asked, despite knowing already the answer.

"You tell me," he cryptically replied. He scuffed his foot twice on the hard floor, hands dug deep into his pockets as the guests were at the door. Final, individual farewells were given and once their names were called, the siblings knew their presence was required.

Before Zhang Bao could walk away, Xingcai firmly grabbed his arm and pulled him to a stop. She brought her face close to his ear, whispering her desparate words. "Brother, I know I made a mistake, and this mistake might cost me true happiness. Do not fall into the trap I fell into. Please." As she pulled away, her eyes glistened in the light, her final, silent, desperate plea to her brother.

Zhang Bao looked at Xingcai then at Guan Xing. A small bittersweet smile escaped him, a second chance born. Suddenly, Zhang Bao strided up to Guan Xing, minimizing the gap between the two until they were centimetres apart. Guan Xing seemed to have both anticipated Zhang Bao's sudden presence but he still seemed to have been surprised if the look of mild shock on his face was anything to go by.

"Guan Xing," Zhang Bao said. "I've got something important I need to tell you. It's…kinda relevant to what you were talking about earlier. You have a minute?"

"Sure," Guan Xing smiled, almost relieved. "Would you prefer to talk about this privately? I actually need to stop by a place before I get home anyway."

Zhang Bao's self-assured smile was all an answer that was needed as he left the house with Guan Xing. If the quiet giggles Guan Yinping and Guan Suo gave as they left the house signified anything, it was that they had a good idea about the topic of discussion. They closed the door behind them. The house was silent once more.

Xingcai sighed in relief as she walked over to the couch and plopped down. Her eyes closed as she took a deep breath in and out. Today was quite heavy on her. Socialising always took a toll on her.

"I think I need a drink tonight." She whined to herself.

"Would tea do?"

Xingcai opened her eyes and gaped at the source of the voice. Zuo Ci smiled blankly, a teacup she had never seen before was somehow on a platter in his right hand. She forgot Zuo Ci was still in the house. She looked around the room and found her mother was gone. She must have retired to bed early, Xingcai reckoned.

"I appear to have startled you. My apologies, when you are as old as I am, you tend to forget how easily it is to let your presence wane in the physical realm."

Xingcai nodded, not quite sure what he meant but too tired to figure out its meaning. "You can go if you please, Master Zuo Ci. Unless there is a reason you have remained?"

"Actually, I have stayed because I wish to talk to you, Lady Zhang. Care to indulge an old man in a talk and a stroll?"

She still did not understand what was going on but she figured refusing a mystic, especially one of Zuo Ci's reputation, was a bad move either way. "I suppose…" She half-heartedly agreed.

"Wonderful. Just be careful about the smoke."

"What smoke?" she wanted to ask but before the words could come out the whole world was encompassed in a grey fog. She coughed and coughed, eyes squeezed tight as she ducked low and waved the smoke away from her mouth. When it appeared to clear, only then did she open her eyes. Somehow in the few seconds the fog was up, she had been transported to the royal gardens. She gazed up into the moonlight, trying to track its position and see how much time had passed since.

"It is still the same time, do not worry," Zuo Ci called.

Startled, Xingcai turned around and instinctively got into a battle stance, relaxing once she saw it was only Zuo Ci. "You scared me," she huffed.

"My apologies once again, I felt a teleportation spell was the best method of transport here." He smiled curiously. "Shall we?"

She barely said yes before Zuo Ci trotted slowly along the gravel, Xingcai following shortly behind him.

Flowers dripped with moonlight as they shone faintly in the background. The wind picked up, softly ruffling her hair as she walked. It was cold, and she shivered from the chill but with gritted teeth she continued to follow the mystic as he took her down a different path through the gardens, through the less scenic areas where the bushes held no flowers and the plants were few in variety. His fingers brushed against the leaves and magical, glowing flowers bloomed from nothing.

It was strange but she could not help reminiscing that night weeks ago, Liu Shan's jacket over her shoulders as she led him through the night, showing him the way. To think the realization that she loved Liu Shan was only made a couple of weeks ago and yet she felt as though she had favoured him for a much longer time than that. She had liquid courage in her veins and nothing to lose back then and yet she could not find the courage to kiss the man in front of her, the man whose smile was so tender and warm.

She sighed mournfully to herself. How much of a fool was she? Why did she delay, why did she think accepting Guan Ping's proposal is a good idea?

"So, my lady, how are you finding your courtship with Guan Ping? Good, I assume?"

"It is. Good, I mean." Her tongue was already twisting into itself. "W-what I mean to say is that I have enjoyed his company greatly."

He laughed warmly, his breath perspiring in the cool air. "You do not have to lie to me. I know your true affections are for our beloved emperor."

She blushed, head turned to the ground shamefaced. "I-It's—I…Y-you… know?"

Another chuckle, fainter in volume. "When you live to be as old as I am, you learn a thing or two about the human psyche. And the things I have learnt is that humankind is ultimately flawed yet predictable." His lips twitched downward. "It is these flaws that have caused this incessant war. And also caused your silence, I understand."

"My situation is not as black and white as it may seem." Xingcai grimaced. "I fell in love with lord Liu Shan, I will admit that to you, but can he provide me with the marriage my family desires? Can he provide the stability, the affection?"

"We both know he is capable of much more than he wants to admit." He stared up to the stars whimsically. "You are not addressing the underlying issue here however. You have every opportunity to tell your feelings to lord Liu Shan. You have every opportunity too to be betrothed to him because we both know he will follow you to the ends of the earth, and a request to be married to him would be paltry in comparison. And yet you have said nothing and resigned yourself to a fate with a man who has not truly captured your heart. Why?"

"Because I am selfish." She spat. "I fell in love with a man barely two weeks ago, and suddenly all these feelings I don't understand explode within me. Eclectic mixes of happiness and regret, of love and hesitation, they keep stirring inside me and I can't make any sense of it. Is love not supposed to be kind and gentle and sweet? Because if love is any one of those things, then I do not think I am in love with Liu Shan. And if that is the case, I…I do not want to tie myself to a man I may not want in the end and who may not want me."

"But isn't love selfish?" Zuo Ci asked. He brought his hands out from behind his back and conjured two spheres, one in each hand. In his left was a warm, pink orb of light. In his right, a dark blue orb. "We think love to be selfless but that is not entirely true. There are selfish feelings, selfish wants in every relationship, and each couple chooses to either feed or starve these selfish desires. You have to listen to your partner's heart, but you also have to listen to your own. Then, when the two inevitably clash, the two work together to solve this problem and if it works…" He brought the two spheres together, creating a swirling bright purple orb. "…they can create something magical. Much more beautiful and brilliant than the sum of their individual parts."

The orb floated for a second in his hand and gently, Zuo Ci coaxes it to Xingcai. It glided through the air as soft and as gentle as a falling petal and when she cupped it in her hands, its core burst into technicolour fireworks, pinks and reds and blues and purples all cascading around each other, dancing to their own beat.

Xingcai stared mesmerized at the glowing orb until it faded in her outreached hands, watched as the light began to die and the world slowly became dark once more. She was silent for what felt the longest time, trapped in the memory of a moment. Then she spoke, voice crackled with turmoil, "T-tell me, please. You have spells and potions, right? I-is there something that could let me know what is the right decision? Let me know who will bring me happiness?"

Zuo Ci shook his head once. "I can do many things but I can not predict the future, least of all yours. The only one who can decide that is you."

Xingcai bristled. It's not the answer she wanted. "Then at least tell me if Liu Shan loves me or not. Tell me that I matter to him, tell me that I am not crazy for loving him as I do, please, and ease my sorrow." She pleaded. Her body trembled not from the cold outside but from the heat inside her chest. "I'm...I'm afraid to tell him how I feel. A-a-and you must know his true feelings. Don't you?"

He tried to smile as simple as he could but it only made him look as if he pitied her. "I cannot tell you. That would defeat the purpose. You have chosen to embark on this journey of two hearts, yours and lord Liu Shan's, and I have no part in it."

Seeing the disappointment in her face, he added, "I can tell you this however. Love can be selfish or selfless, love can be contradicting feelings that do not make sense, but if there is one constant in this world, it is that love is the choices you make. People can guide you on the path and people can push you away, but ultimately it is you who decides whether to pursue a relationship or not, and whether that relationship stays."

"A choice." She uttered to herself. That was it, wasn't it? She had a choice—has a choice, she corrected herself—but she had yet to make a decision. Was it really all that simple? Was all this guilt, this shame she felt all because she has been too afraid to choose? But it was a heavy choice, one that she had not even realized the consequences until suddenly her time to decide had grown short. The stakes were different before, back then she had been looking for a person to love her and hope she could love him. Find that man, or just settle with the next best thing. Perhaps she wished she could flee her marriage, take the third option that tempted her so much that it plagued her dreams at night but it was one she knew she could not take. Out of duty to her family and her country, she would marry someone she did not love if it meant pleasing those around her.

But now suddenly she had the affections of Guan Ping, a man whose affections were sure to carry her into marriage. He was agreeable, he was likeable and fun, and there was nothing inherently bad about him that she disagreed with. Once he was shy but slowly he was rising from the ashes, reborn a phoenix with the confidence and power his legends inspired. His feelings were strong for her, and there was no doubt that he would support her with all his being. He deserved someone who could give him what he would give himself, paid back the debt of affection with interest, and that woman could be her, it could be Xingcai. And yet the affection on her part wasn't there.

Instead, her affections were with the emperor, a man who had morphed gradually under her wing. Liu Shan might have been kind and giving like Guan Ping was but their similarities ended there. At times he would get under her skin, directly disobey her orders not out of spite or malice but because it did not suit his interest, and yet the very ability that got on her nerves could also make her feel vulnerable, make her do things she'd never would do under normal circumstances. His presence alone made her feel so happy. And of all the people in the kingdom, it had to be the most prestigious, most eligible bachelor of the kingdom that she vied for. Zuo Ci was right, if asked, Liu Shan would probably marry her, and for the same reasons she had: duty. But courting him alone, let alone marriage, held its own problems with him. She would be under the spotlight, she would be expected to behave properly even if it went against her nature and instincts. Could she handle the pressure of being empress? Could she handle being in the spotlight? Liu Shan promised a brilliant future but also a hard-fought future, one that required a lot of work to maintain.

Which was the better option? The comfortable, safe man who would love her simply and gently, or the man of a thousand faces that could love her as deeply as she could?

A flash of his face appeared in her mind, smiling brilliantly in that special way he gave only for her. She stopped walking, the crunch of the gravel beneath her feet now silent. The blood pooled into her cheeks. There was only one meaning as to why his face popped up. She knew what choice she wanted to make.

"You've decided," Zuo Ci stated plainly. "Now you know the choice you have to make?"

Xingcai nodded stoically. "I need to talk to Lord Liu Shan. I've been avoiding this talk for far too long."

"Is that your final choice?"

There was not even an ounce of hesitation left in her voice. "Yes." She declared. "Liu Shan must know my feelings for him."

Zuo Ci smiled, pleased with her answer. Purposely he walked a few steps forward and pointed to a path to the left. He chanted something under his breath and the gravel beneath their feet began to glow faintly, the light traveling down the path Zuo Ci pointed. Where the light ended, there was a cloud of grey fog, roughly in the form of a person, hovering low on the ground. "Follow the light and enter the mist. It will take you wherever your heart desires."

Xingcai walked down the path slowly, determination driving her forward but just before she got to the fog she paused. She gazed over her shoulder. "Master Zuo Ci, before I go I must ask you a question of mine, one I have been mulling over for quite some time."

He chuckled politely but signaled for her to go on.

"Does such a thing like destiny or fate exist? Does my choice even matter?"

"The beautiful thing about the future is that it is not predetermined," Zuo Ci replied cryptically. "But if I had to take a guess, you have a bright future ahead of you."

"And Liu Shan?"

He chuckled again, harder and heartily. "If he has you to support him, I think he will not do too badly for himself either. Now go. That portal won't stay open long."

As she turned back to the mist, Xingcai found herself smiling broadly. With closed eyes, she placed a prayer to be by Liu Shan's side. Into the fog she strode with purpose, the mist clouding her senses yet she strode onward regardless. When the mist dissipated in the garden, Xingcai had disappeared without a trace, the only witness to the scene being an old man with an amused smile on his face as he slowly walked through the fields of glowing flowers.

* * *

When Xingcai opened her eyes, there were no familiar landmarks to orientate herself to her surroundings. Trees and greenery encircled her, the canopy of leaves above her head blotting her view of the moon above, leaving her without a sense of north. It was dark, she was ill-dressed, and with no weapons to protect herself in what she assumed was a forest, and she briefly scolded herself for not asking Zuo Ci for more advice before she went through the fog. Did the spell work? Had she accidentally messed up a step? She did briefly imagine Liu Shan sitting under the tree, could it have teleported her to the forest because of that image?

Bats suddenly moved above her, flying down near her face and she ducked with her arms over her head to protect herself. As she stood up, she looked at where they flew from and saw a ray of moonlight piercing a patch of grass. Water could be heard somewhere, a stream flowing gently in the night. With nothing to guide the way home, the rest of the world shrouded in darkness, she approached the light, pushing past bushes and tree branches until she arrived at a small field.

She immediately looked up to the night sky in hopes it will at least give her a general direction of north. She saw the big dipper and its bright light piercing the darkness but almost immediately she frowned. She could have sworn the position of the moon had changed but the last time she went through the fog Zuo Ci said no time had passed. Either time passed this time or she had been transported much further than she expected. Xingcai gazed back at the path she came from. The fog was gone. She was trapped here.

Then she heard it. A small splash. She turned to its source and saw Liu Shan with a fishing rod in his hand gazing intently into the water. His hair was wet and long, once again untied in all of its natural splendor and upon closer inspection realized that he was wearing a very casual robe. Not the kind of clothing an emperor would wear.

"Liu Shan?" She asked quietly, approaching the man slowly and carefully.

He jumped, nearly dropping the fishing rod in the process. Inside the small stream he was fishing from, fish began swimming hastily away, disturbed by the breach in silence. He groaned to himself before turning to her.

She couldn't help but sigh in relief. It was definitely the Liu Shan she knew. "Did I disturb you?" She smiled.

"Me? Not at all." He pointed to the stream. "The fish on the other hand probably find you quite rude." He chuckled to himself but quickly cleared his throat, catching himself. "U-um…why are you here? How…are you here?"

Xingcai crossed her arms nervously. How WAS she supposed to explain this? Magic might be difficult to believe, but trying to find a man in a forest because you were feeling a little bit lonely was equally difficult. "I-I followed you," she said. "I saw you back at the palace and I…followed you."

"On foot? To the emperor's forest?"

It was only then that Xingcai realized the horse tied to a tree in the darkness, its black mane blending into the dark forest. "Yes?" Perhaps she should have kept her mouth shut.

Liu Shan looked at her with a knowing smirk but said nothing as he reeled the line in. On the hook was a pitifully small fish. As its wide eyes regarded the emperor, it seemed to convey both cruel mockery and despair at its captor. Liu Shan rolled his eyes, took the fish off the hook and chucked it back into the stream. The fish landed in the water with a splash, and she could swear that if fish could smile, this one was giving a self-satisfied smirk.

Xingcai took a preliminary scan of the water by his feet. "This stream seems pretty small. Don't you have your own pond to fish back in the palace?"

Liu Shan gave the hook an once-over before gently lowering it back into the water. "I don't fish often, really. Nothing wrong with the act itself, it can be fun but it gets a bit tedious waiting and waiting and expecting the same fish to pop up. I like a bit more variety."

"Then why are you here of all places? And why dressed up like that?"

"I used to fish here sometimes with my brother and it's a nice and quiet spot. There is no one around to bother me and there is no one here to watch me fail miserably at catching a decent-sized fish. As for your second question…" He stared blankly into the water, watching the small ripples for any fish. "…I don't know. It's comfortable and I…I guess I'm getting tired of wearing the same bulky coats and the same heavy robes. It's nice to have a change of pace. A change of wardrobe."

Xingcai hummed in mild disagreement. She'd give anything to be back in her regular clothes. Dresses were quickly beginning to get on her nerves. She approached Liu Shan until she was just behind him, peering over his shoulder into the stream. Now that she could see it a little bit clearer, it is actually much deeper than it initially appeared from where she stood earlier but that did not explain the vast amount of fish that inhabited such a tiny amount of water.

Liu Shan read her thoughts and pointed to his right, where the stream was at its widest. "There is a small river up ahead. I think a couple of years ago the bank between the river and a smaller pond cracked and this small stream was made between the two. Most of the fish here are quite tiny but every now and then if you're patient, you can see some bigger ones swim on by."

Right on cue, a large sturgeon slithered down the river, the other small fish moving aside to let it dart through. It paused in front of the hook of the fishing rod but decided to swim away.

"As you can see, I am not a good fisherman. Even when I try." He offered the fishing pole to Xingcai. "You want to have a go?"

"Not for me. I'd rather watch you."

"Would rather watch me fail, you mean."

"That's assuming you are failing, but I wouldn't count fishing a sport. No winners and no losers means no failure."

"You always have a twisted way of bringing my hopes up, Xingcai." Liu Shan smirked.

He watched the current as it picked up slightly, a sudden surge of water changing the pace of the water's flow downstream. Xingcai watched the small shift of Liu Shan's feet, the slow focus in his eyes as he blocked the rest of the world out. But after a few minutes, he gave up, dropped the fishing pole by his side and sat down. His hand reached out to the water, fingertips tracing the wet surface, disturbing the traffic of fish. Xingcai sat down beside him, still watching her lord with the same intensity as he watched the fish swimming by.

In the past an event like this might have been awkward but Xingcai had since gotten used to them. These moments were awkward because they were behaving awkwardly and now that they had found solace in each other's company there was no need for shyness or hesitation. In his presence she felt she could do or say whatever she wanted without rancor or judgment. Perhaps that was why she moved closer to him. Why she let her head fall gently onto his shoulders and slowly nuzzle up against him.

She could feel Liu Shan stiffen, but only for a moment. "Xingcai?" He whispered.

"I am tired." She admitted quietly. "Let me just rest here. Only for a moment."

He gave a shallow nod. His arm wrapped around her body and pulled her closer. Hesitantly he placed his head on top of hers and when she made no noise of complaint, he sighed happily. Together, they gazed into the water, watching the water swirl and dance and twinkle with the faint moonlight overhead.

"Liu Shan, do you believe in destiny?"

"Destiny?" He asked incredulously.

"Yes. I met Zuo Ci earlier today and I asked him about it. I'd like to know your opinion on it." No need to tell him how recent the conversation was, she thought.

"Destiny, huh…" He mumbled something under his breath that even she could not hear despite how close he was but his whispers tickled her cheek, made her let out a tiny giggle. She could feel the muscles on his cheek pull to form a smile. "I do not know what I dislike more: the possibility that the future is written and cannot be changed, or the possibility that a person's actions can change the course of their future. They're both equally frightening prospects, are they not?"

"So I take it you do not like it then?"

The corners of his cheek pulled upward. "You have to promise me never to tell anyone about what I tell you next. Swear upon the heavens."

Xingcai rolled her eyes but still placed a hand over her heart. "I promise not to tell anyone. You just have to promise me this is a worthy story to keep secret."

"Oh, it's a good story. You'll like it." He chuckled warmly. "Since I was the first legitimate child of Liu Bei, I had plenty of fortune telling sessions predicting my future. All these crusty old men, they would check the stars and talk to the gods and ask for their favour in the hopes of getting me a good fortune. Sometimes they'd ask me questions but I was just a child then and all I cared about was how disgusting they all smelt like. Honestly, I can still remember that weird stench of decomposing herbs and raw meat that always seemed to hover like a cloud over their clothes."

Xingcai giggled quietly as she tried to imagine how that would smell like.

"The one I remember the most was when I had to do _Zi Wei Dou Shu_. Every month they would try and use my birthday and the stars to map out and predict my future but every single time it was always something drastically different because I kept giving them a different birthday. You should have seen their faces as they conversed with each other and tried to discuss the meaning because it was always bad." He glanced up at the night sky and the stars that dotted the darkness. "They said that as the future emperor it would be only natural that I represent a big, bright star. I think my parents did too, if they decided to call me Adou of all things."

She looked at him incredulously. "Your childhood name is Adou?" She laughed to herself, earning her Liu Shan's pointed stare.

"Look, it's not the coolest name ever—"

"It's not that. It's just…I always thought I had a ridiculous name so I guess it's comforting to know I'm not the only one stuck with a bad name."

He lifted his head slightly to look into her eyes. "Zhang Xingcai, are you going to say what I think you will say? Am I to learn about your birth name?"

She blushed but did not move her face away as she normally did. Mentally she stood her ground, prepared for the ridicule that was to come. "…My real name is Zhang Zhi."

"Zhi…like 'Zhi' for weaving? As in, the weaver girl from the cowherd and weaver girl stories?"

"Y-yeah, my mother was…a big fan of those stories. She thought that I would be a very good…weaving girl."

Liu Shan clasped his hand over his mouth, making it so that only a small wheeze of laughter could be heard. Her blush deepened. She was not proud of her name and she was not proud of its origins. She thought maybe Liu Shan would understand but as he could hear him wheezing in muffled laughter, perhaps she gave him too much credit.

More than a few seconds had passed and the sounds Liu Shan was making had slowly died down. "Are you finished now?" Xingcai asked with exasperation.

"S-sorry, it's just…THAT was your big secret? The name you never told anyone? I thought it'd be much worse than that, Zhang Zhi is better than Adou."

"What's wrong with Adou? It's named after the dipper star and it's cute, which is the kind of name a kid should have."

"But I didn't want a cute name, I wanted a cool name, a manly name. Anything except Adou." Liu Shan huffed.

"At least you're an adult now and no one can call you that anymore. I'll be Zhang Zhi for the rest of my life and there's nothing I can do to change it." Xingcai sighed.

Liu Shan rubbed her arm in slow circle in response, comforting her slightly. He rested his head on top of her haed once more. "I'm sorry I laughed, Xingcai." He said. "I actually think it's a beautiful name. Strange as it may be it suits you regardless. And I won't deny it, I kinda like the idea that I am one of the few people in your life who knows what your real name is."

Xingcai rolled her eyes in amusement. "Are you going to call me Zhang Zhi in private now that you know it?"

He smirked playfully. "Do you want me to?"

Xingcai's eyes widened. She had no idea how to answer that question.

Sensing the tension, Liu Shan sat upright and scooted away slowly, giving Xingcai a bit more space. "S-sorry, that was a bit…that sounded much more innocent in my head, I swear."

Xingcai frowned, but not just because she was feeling cold again. It was always in times like this that she felt like Liu Shan was holding something back and it was almost always born from moments like these when they admit those private truths few knew about. It was almost as if he was trying to hold himself back. Keep himself quiet so that the deepest darkest truth does not spill out.

Liu Shan sat nervously as she scrutinized him. A lock of hair is swept back behind his ears. "I, uh…should take you back to the palace. It's a long trip, especially in the dark, and your family must be worried sick about you."

Xingcai did not take the easy way out that he offered. She sat still by the shore, eyes locked onto his. "You promised you would not hide from me." She said with surprising clarity. Not a hint of emotion betrayed her. "You said no more lies, Liu Shan."

"…I did say that, didn't I…"

His gaze went back into the water, fingers rapping rhythmically on the ground. "There's something on your mind, is there not?"

He blinked rapidly. Xingcai knew she got him.

"If there is something you want to say, go ahead and say it." She rubbed her arms nervously. "If you disapprove of Guan Ping—"

"I would never disapprove of Guan Ping!" Liu Shan exclaimed. "He has loved you for a long time and he has nothing but your best interest in mind, that is clear. What kind of friend would I be if I did not support him in this new relationship? N-no, it's something else. Something…" He hissed to himself. "… _important_."

Her heart swelled at the possibility of 'important'. She wished she could hide in a mask of cold detachment but it was becoming more and more impossible. "Will you tell me then? I-If it's so important…"

He was quiet for a moment, contemplating his words carefully. "…The lessons."

It took her a few seconds to realize what he meant. "The courting lessons?"

"I-I realise you only asked me out of desperation but I have come to enjoy our time together in those moments, away from scrutiny and politics. But those times are coming to a close now. In just a few short days, I…" He paused to give a painful grimace. "…in just a few short days you will be betrothed and the lessons will end."

Xingcai smiled sympathetically. "It does not have to be that way. The lessons were fun because we could talk honestly to each other in private. There is no reason we cannot do that again."

He huffed as he stood up. "It won't be the same. It will never be the same. Do you think you can go back to being my bodyguard after your betrothal? No, there are social protocols, rules that I have to follow. And one of those rules is limiting private contact with women who are spoken for. Women like..." He gestured in her vague direction. "…you."

It was on the tip of her tongue. One wrong word and all her emotions, all the guilt and shame and love and longing, would burst from her chest and spill from her mouth. A hand goes over her mouth as a small bead of her feelings—a small whimper of sorrow—emitted from her mouth.

Liu Shan stood over the small precipice that made the shore of the stream, grimacing to himself as he stared into the waters that reflected his distorted figure. He did not make eye contact with her, too ashamed to meet her gaze. "I need to tell you before anyone else does but after the betrothal, I'm…I'm going to officially search for a wife. It was only because of my excuses that you were even allowed to be by my side at all but now that you have Guan Ping in your future the ministers will surely try and limit my contact with you. I will try to make it to the betrothal but…that might be the last time we will get to talk."

She stood up quickly. "Liu Shan, I—"

He silenced her with a fingertip to her lips. Even if it was inappropriate, she relished the feeling on her lips, the electricity. It might be the only time she could feel it. "Even if the betrothal will be the last time we properly see each other, I want a better time and place to say what might be our last goodbyes. You're still not engaged yet and I have spare time so why not one last lesson? You and I surrounded by old relics in a tiny storeroom, the perfect night out."

She giggled softly though there was still a hint of sadness in her voice, a touch of distress in her smile. Her laughter did not cut the tension like it used to. "What will you teach me? I've already got the man, you've taught me all I need to know."

He waggled his finger. "Ah, but that was just the crash course, the speed run if you will. Just because you got the guy doesn't mean it gets any more difficult trying to maintain the relationship you have achieved for yourself. So this lesson will all be about being a good girlfriend—or wife, if you prefer. Get some plates and food and we can pretend we're having dinner."

"Lord Liu Shan, is this a date?" Her eyes lit up like the stars in the sky.

He blushed furiously but even he could not hide the smile slowly creeping up. "Depends." His hand sifted nervously down his scalp. "W-would you rather we pretend it's a date?"

If she could she would grin brightly. Anything, one more chance, one more time to be by his side. She needed one more time to show him her heart and see his in return. Liu Shan had to know she loved him. He had to know she cared about him. But all that she let out was the smallest of polite smiles. It was not even close in encompassing the happiness and relief that flooded her being.

"Xingcai?" He asked softly.

"It is a date." She willed her voice to not shake, adding with a slightly stronger smile, "One last goodbye."

"One last goodbye." He concurred gravely, knowing all too well how important this last goodbye will be.

Liu Shan picked up the prone fishing rod and slowly walked back to his horse. Xingcai walked three steps behind him, weaponless and defenseless but still that desire to protect him overruled all thought. As she approached the horse it neighed softly at its owner, who patted them affectionately on the head. It's the same horse Liu Shan rode weeks ago but in the darkness it blended in with its surroundings. Liu Shan mounted first and offered Xingcai a hand as she sat on the steed.

"I'm sorry if this ride gets a bit uncomfortable. This saddle was made for one. You could take it if you want and I sit at the back. That would probably be better for you."

"It's fine," she said as she wrapped her arms around his torso. "I don't mind being at the back."

And so the horse trotted along, following both newly forged and forgotten paths as it traveled back to the palace. In one hand, Liu Shan held a newly-lit lamp and in the other the stirrups of his horse. Xingcai never let go of her grip on Liu Shan's abdomen during the journey home. She savoured the feel of his cloth-covered stomach, savoured his scent, savoured the way his untied hair kept smacking her lightly on the forehead. They're all forgettable things so minor that they are unimportant in the grand scheme of things but it was because they were so forgettable that Xingcai desperately tried to remember them. Little things like this were what Xingcai would miss the most. The quirk of his lips as he made a bad joke, the mesmerizing darkness of his eyes whenever he was serious, the nervous chuckle he made when he tried to avoid the subject around her, the smug smile he made when they were alone. She'd miss all of it.

Liu Shan quietly rode the house past the town and into the palace stables. He dismounted first, lending his hand to guide Xingcai off the horse. Their fingers lingered for a bit and she stared transfixed, imagining the electricity she felt was brought to life, sparkling and crackling. He stared too, as if seeing the very electricity she imagined, watching the bright colours bleed into each other.

Then, far too late and all too soon, she let her hand drift back to her side. He led the horse in to its stable and when Liu Shan returned, he stood silently by her side. She did not move. She did not want to go just yet.

"Xingcai?"

She glanced at him.

"Thanks. For telling me your name. I really do think it's beautiful."

Her smile was effortless. "Don't tell anybody, OK?"

"I won't. Promise."

He gazed up into the stars and Xingcai followed his gaze to the big dipper twinkling in the night sky. One of the biggest stars in the sky, one that people use to guide their way at night. Liu Shan's star, Xingcai thought absently.

"It's strange how the names are parents gave us are linked to the stars. Maybe that is destiny, after all."

Xingcai rose an eyebrow. "I thought you said you did not believe in destiny."

"I don't, do not get me wrong, but I feel like our meeting was more than just chance and circumstances. It feels special. Designed in some areas, perhaps, but able to blossom into its own." He locked his arms behind his back, scowling to himself. "Maybe I'm just afraid of losing a dear friend. That's why I think it is more special than it probably is."

But it was special. Even if she had never fallen in love with Liu Shan, even if she only loved him as a friend, the pain she felt in her heart would probably still linger as it does now. Their fate has run their course and now society must take them away from each other, the one person who understood better than anyone. "Just like star crossed lovers." Xingcai said.

It did not register that she said that last thought aloud. She could faintly feel a change in the atmosphere but she was too busy staring at the stars and the moon. But then she felt Liu Shan's gentle, unyielding grasp on her wrists and suddenly he pulled her to him. He was mere centimetres from her and he was staring into her. His hands took hold of her face so that she could not turn away and so he looked at him.

Liu Shan was never an easy person to read expressions from. He smiled and laughed but that was all he did. But now she could see clearly everything that was going on his mind. He was scared, worried about a future without her in it, but more than that, he was terrified of letting her go. She understood that fear. It was one thing to slowly distance with someone over the course of time, but it was not time that was separating them but the world. They were each other's lifeline, their bond as strong as siblings—no, stronger. Their bond was as strong as steel. But even steel corrodes.

Her hands took hold of his shirt and gripped it tightly, fists shaking from the tension. They were soul mates. Two halves of a whole. He was everything she was bad at, he could charm people, he was fast, smart, sociable. And she was everything he was bad at, strong and obedient and reliable and tough. Perhaps she would have been fine being married to Guan Ping if Liu Shan remained a friend but even that was not an option anymore.

"Liu Shan." She sobbed.

"Tell me, what are we, Xingcai? Are we friends? Are we…something more? Do you really want to marry Guan Ping?" He gulped loudly. "I…I'm so selfish. I need to know."

Which was the better option? The comfortable, safe man who would love her simply and gently, or the man of a thousand faces that could love her as deeply as she could?

"X-Xingcai, please. Are we star crossed lovers or not? What are we?" He begged.

Why couldn't she say anything? The elusive choice, the answer is right there on his lips, if only she could just lean in and kiss him. Was it pride, vanity, or something else that prevented her from capturing his mouth?

His shoulders fell when she still did not answer. "Xingcai?"

"T-this isn't my decision to make."

"Then who's decision is it?"

"I don't know."

"You don't know?"

"No, I…look, why are you asking this? No, I do not harbour the 'right' kind of love for Guan Ping but at the moment he's my only choice. He loves me and he will protect me and he can provide for me. Losing you is…well it's a price I have to pay."

Liu Shan scoffed. "So hypothetically, if I asked you to marry me before Guan Ping you would have said yes?"

"Of course!" Xingcai screamed.

His eyes widened. In the darkness she could faintly see the crimson blush stricken across his face.

Xingcai frowned as she stared at her feet. "I…would not have said no if you offered to marry me."

There was a dark look in his eyes as he finally let go of her cheeks and stepped back. "Then what if I offer it now?"

Xingcai looked up at him. "W-what?!"

"Everybody expects me to remarry soon." He said stoically. "I need a bride and I have been putting it off for the longest time. You need a husband to support you and care for you and impress your family and I can do all of that. Above all, nothing between us needs to change, you can still be my bodyguard and we don't need to separate. I can make sure you can talk to Guan Ping too so you don't lose out on another friend. So…how about it?"

He offered her his hand. If she shook it, she accepted the deal; if she didn't, she refused. It sounded so good, so very tempting but it was just an agreement. There was no emotion in his words, nothing to suggest he wanted something more than a friend who understood him. The deal Liu Shan gave should have eased her mind but instead it made everything all the more complicated.

She took a step back. The smallest of frowns creased his cheeks.

"Liu Shan, I…I can't accept. M-m-maybe in the past, if you offered me this deal I would have jumped at the chance but I am already betrothed to Guan Ping. I can't just break off the engagement to marry you, for whatever reason, and you…you don't love me."

"I d-do. I…I do, Xingcai." Liu Shan stuttered.

"Then how? How do you love me?"

He opened his mouth but nothing came out. A million different words he could have described but nothing was satisfactory, nothing that was concrete proof of how deep his affections ran. She was afraid of this. His fright mirrored her fright. He was more honest but he couldn't say the truths he needed to say. Not that she could say it either.

"I don't want just a marriage of convenience, Liu Shan, you know I want the chance for love. At least Guan Ping loves me genuinely, and I think there is a chance I could love him earnestly as well." She turned her back to him, saying over her shoulder, "Think carefully about the extent of your affections before we meet for the date."

"You're deflecting." He stated.

He approached her from behind, his hands hovering just over her shoulders, not touching but it was close enough that she could feel the heat it radiated. Her body tensed. She could feel his gaze hover over her body and it should make her feel scared or frightened but she enjoyed the attention. Even now at the height of their emotional states, they both knew that neither of them had the ability to hurt the other. Not intentionally.

"You told me to be honest to you but you're not telling me something." He finally placed his hands on her shoulders. "Is there something I should know?"

It was a very rarely used voice Liu Shan employed, one that Xingcai knew he used only in the most vital of meetings when he desired to convince someone to his side. Even though she knew the trick, her voice bubbled out to the surface. "I-I am so selfish." She squeaked.

"Really?" He asked almost seductively, employing all the various complexities and intricacies involved with the word 'really'.

Xingcai nodded quickly. "I can't be selfish any longer. I have to think of others. And that means forgetting about the one man I truly do love."

She could hear him take in a sharp breath next to her ear, a momentary break from the spell he cast. In that moment, she walked forward, releasing Liu Shan's grip on her shoulders and in doing so escaping from the hold his words held on her. She turned back to face him one last time, showing him in full the pain she felt in her heart.

"I will see you for the date, Liu Shan."

He called her name one last time but she did not take note if it was 'Xingcai' or if it was 'Zhang Zhi' or something else entirely. She saw through tear beaded eyes how small he looked as he stared at her with hurt and pain. This could not keep going on. They could not keep going on.

She walked away from Liu Shan. In light robes and dainty shoes, Xingcai walked the heaviest steps in her life. He did not say goodbye. Saying goodbye would only acknowledge the futility of their situation, both as lovers and as friends. Instead he gave a solemn nod to her. She barely noticed as she walked away from him and his warmth and his smile.

Up in the sky, two stars flickered at that moment. It was almost as if even the heavens knew that the star-crossed lovers were making a terrible, terrible mistake. By the stables, a woman walked away from a man with a heaviness in her heart that suddenly grew three-fold. And the man watched helplessly as she left, defeat and shame hanging over his head. Thus ended the night for the pair, two people so desperately in love with each other who could not find the strength to share their feelings with one another.

Back in her bed, Xingcai briefly glanced up at the night sky, tears threatening to burst. She wondered if Liu Shan was also looking up at the stars. Maybe he could tell her if the stars look so much darker than before or if it was her imagination.

 


	17. Entropy

_TWO chapters in one month? It's amazing. So amazing that I can't believe it—and I WROTE this chapter myself. I swear, playing DW9 must have renewed my passion in writing this fanfic. It's not like I didn't have passion before (trust me, I've been plotting this story in my head for over 3 years now) but with the game out, it just made me want to get this fanfic over and done with. It's only chapter 18 and the epilogue and then this story is over BUT I won't be done with Liu Shan and Xingcai just yet. I've got some oneshots planned for the future.  
_

_So as I mentioned earlier, I got DW9! Whoo! But I also am busy on the weekdays so I can't play until the weekends. Boo. But I have been GRINDING through Liu Bei's story to get to Liu Shan's and I've been enjoying myself immensely in the process and now my enjoyment is even more immense because I LOVE LIU SHAN AND HIS STORY AAHH! So I didn't actually speedrun from Liu Bei's story because the open world is just too much fun but when I got to Liu Shan's story the first thing I did when I got control, LITERALLY THE FIRST, was to send a letter to Xingcai and invite her to the love shack._

_...turns out you can't send a letter to Xingcai as Liu Shan...at ALL. BUT you can do the reverse with Xingcai in free mode, THANK GOD!_

_For those of you who have yet to hear EITHER of their hideaway lines, I'll just spoil it here. They're both horndogs. They're both SUPER duper horndogs and I'm surprised by this point in time in the fanfic they didn't go 'screw it' and screwed each other anyway. I mean, I'm TEMPTED to change the fanfic to do this but that would be too much work and then I'd have to change the rating and add more chapters, bleh, I'll just stick with the slow burn._

_If you guys haven't bought the game yet, let me tell you I LOVE it. The story's better, the combat requires a LITTLE more thought and you have no idea how much of a life saver the lock-on and grappling hook is until you have it. The open world is beautiful, LIU SHAN AND XINGCAI ARE AMAZING, and just...yeah, get the game. Preferably on console. The only reason DW9 has such bad reviews on steam and pc is because of some bad porting issues so maybe wait until the game's patched for PC before playing._

_Of course, I'd love to hear how your experiences with the game have been (and also with Liu Shan/Xingcai because let me tell you, they did change their personalities a bit). And also leave me a comment about the story. I can't believe how close I am to the end of this story, I'm already in a state of awe._

_I don't own KoeiTecmo, I don't own Dynasty Warriors (though I FINALLY have a copy of the game), and I don't owe the mafia thousands of dollars. That's—heh—so stupid. T-that'd be a...a very stupid and silly thing to do, h-heh heh._

Chapter 17: Entropy

Liu Shan awoke at the ungodly hour of 7am. It was not unusual for him to wake up at this time but what made it particularly annoying was the fact that one, he barely got any sleep last night, and two, he was suffering from the worst hangover of his life. Despite his weary body's plea for rest, his mind was already active and with a loud groan he got out of bed, put on a half-decent robe and made his way past the living room to get to the small kitchenette.

His movement was sluggish as he filled the teapot with tea and water and plopped it onto the stove to heat. He doesn't recall what specific flavor he chose, just that the jar the leaves were stored in held a biting, acrid scent and figured that just one good gulp of hot, stinky tea could simultaneously wake him up and relieve him of the throbbing around his temples.

While he was impatiently waiting for the pot to slowly heat up, he glanced around the room. Ordinarily there would be servants and maids mingling about, cleaning his quarters, and preparing his breakfast but the order he gave right before he fell into a drunken stupor was for the servants to leave him alone for the next 24 hours. Evidently they took it quite literally. But it was fine. It was better this way. He'd rather make his own tea and his own breakfast and not have people flitting about and filling the air with unnecessary, painful noise.

An image of Xingcai popped up in his mind and his head thudded heavily in his head once more. With gritted teeth, he shook his head violently, hoping against all hopes it will relieve him of his pain.

Much as Liu Shan enjoyed parties, his past experiences helping his father deal with Zhang Fei had put him off getting drunk. Sure, he might get tipsy every now and then but he tried to maintain sobriety as much as he could because he did not like that loss of control a person got when they were drunk. Without worries, without fear or inhibitions, it has led to many of his friends acting like utter fools and he did not wish to join their ranks. Men without inhibitions were no better than animals working by pure instinct. But last night he made a very rare exception, dismissing the staff from his home and drinking to the point of intoxication all by himself. He talked to himself about his romantic woes in his study blind drunk, cursed the heavens more times than was acceptable before falling asleep in bed, not before mumbling an apology to said heavens for his earlier tirade. Of course he'd be so damned proper and cordial even when he was drunk, he thought.

The pot whistled and Liu Shan slowly took the pot off the heat. He fished around for a clean cup that wasn't too fancy, settling in the end for an old cup he himself had made a long long time ago, back when he was a child and was curious about all sorts of crafts. Crude, ugly, but functional, Liu Shan shrugged to himself, announcing his new devil-may-care attitude to the audience of none as he poured the tea into the cup. He blew into the cup before sipping. The scent had permeated the tea but not in an unpleasant way, the bitterness of the tea leaves complimenting surprisingly well with the sour undertones of what he now identified as a type of orange. It didn't taste half bad, he thought, though that could just be him and his unusual taste in tea.

He briefly wondered what kind of tea Xingcai drank. He always pictured her having something mild and soothing, drunk quietly by herself after a long and stressful day.

Shaking his head away from the dangerous thoughts that surrounded Xingcai, Liu Shan looked around to see what he could make for breakfast. The first thing he found was rice followed by the scraps of a servant's dinner (almost certainly it was supposed to have been cleared away but the servant must have got dismissed before he could do so, Liu Shan thought). He decided to make a simple congee and set about to work.

Sometime while he was heating the rice, one of the guards came in. He bowed deeply. "Zhang Bao requests an audience with you, my lord."

The guard kept his eyes to the ground even when he stopped bowing. Liu Shan looked down and quickly figured out why. He forgot to tie the robe up. He was quick to pull the robes close to his body. "This early?" Liu Shan asked, but even his quieter-than-normal voice is far too loud for his liking. A dull pain rang through his head.

"Yes, my lord. He wanted to talk to you last night but you requested no one to disturb you." A flicker of fear appeared on the guard's face. "I-I thought coming in to let you know of Zhang Bao's presence, that would be a fair exemption, unless I am mistaken."

He doesn't remember being so angry about giving the order to be left alone last night. But then again, he was already tipsy by that time.

"My lord?"

"Let him in then. It must be important." Liu Shan said.

The guard bowed once more and left. In the interim period, Liu Shan quickly tied his robes together, thankful that the kitchenette hid from the guard's sight anything that could be _unsightly_. The congee was complete and put into a bowl just as Zhang Bao entered, fresh and clean faced as though he didn't wake up mere minutes ago.

"Lord Liu Shan." Zhang Bao bowed but Liu Shan quickly motioned for him to stand up. He's not in the mood for formalities.

"Look, I know you're here about Xingcai. No need to beat around the bush, let's just get to the point."

"Surprising as it may be, I'm…actually here because I'm worried about you."

Liu Shan blinked. " _Really_?"

"Yeah, I know. I'm surprised too but, well…" He rubbed the back of his head. "…Xingcai told me the story."

Liu Shan figured Xingcai would tell someone eventually. He kept his ear to the ground whenever rumours arose and right now, everybody was talking about Xingcai. He'd have heard it by now if Xingcai told the events of _that night_ to someone by now, unless of course that someone happened to be a relative of hers that respected her privacy.

"When did she tell you?" Liu Shan asked.

"Last night. Soon as I heard it, I had to go see you. I figured, since you probably have not told anyone, you might need someone to talk about it."

Liu Shan scoffed sardonically. "Look, you don't have to lie to me. I have tried to be on friendly terms with you in the past but you have rebuffed them. We've never been friends, never talked unless it was something about Xingcai, so you do not have to pretend you care about me."

Liu Shan took the congee and tea and head over to the dining table where he could eat. One bite and he could already tell he overcooked the congee but it was palatable and that's all he needed. In that time period, Zhang Bao merely frowned as he slowly walked over to the table.

Liu Shan sighed. Perhaps he was a bit too grouchy this morning. "I've got some spare tea if you want some." He offered.

Zhang Bao violently shook his head. "God no. I don't know what's in that cup but it smells vile."

"Suit yourself." Liu Shan took a long sip of the tea. As a pick-me-up the tea worked wonders, not so much as a hangover cure. He set the cup down and went to work on the congee, spooning the mixture greedily into his mouth. His stomach gurgled beneath him, sated for the time being with the arrival of food.

Zhang Bao fidgeted on the spot as he stared at Liu Shan eating breakfast. He had not eaten yet, and he was trying to hide the look of hunger in his eyes. "L-look, Lord Liu Shan, I know you and Xingcai talked in the stables and I know you told her you were planning a suitor of your own and she told me what she said and I…" Zhang Bao sighed. "…I'd like to apologise on Xingcai's behalf."

Liu Shan's eyes widened fractionally. It would have widened more but his current physical state made the act far too difficult for him to attempt, no matter how much the tea revitalized him.

"Before you ask, no, Xingcai did not send me, I came on my own accord. But she told me what was said and what you both did and I know if she wasn't so troubled right now she'd come right up to you and apologise."

"Then why hasn't she? Troubled or not, we both know if she feels she owes someone something, she will repay them with interest. Why not this time?"

"She's…scared." Zhang Bao stated.

Liu Shan looked down into his bowl of congee. The mix of rice and heavens knows what stared at him unblinkingly, providing no comfort except to his empty stomach.

"I don't know why but she's scared of being married. There's something about it that frightens her and she won't tell me. And I think it's making her act out a bit, make her say and do things she doesn't intend because she doesn't know what's right or wrong anymore."

"She's scared because it's new." Liu Shan replied stoically.

Zhang Bao tilted his head. "I'm sorry?"

"Xingcai works to her strengths. She supports and she fights because that is what she is good at but when it came to romance, she panicked, and went to me of all people to help her. Now she is prepared for romance but she's not prepared for the commitment." Liu Shan frowned into his tea. "I felt that way when I first got married. I felt so trapped because of my new obligations as a husband and I was worried I would never meet them. But she will get over those fears, I am sure of it."

"Perhaps that's a part of her fears but I don't think that's it. I think she's scared of _you_."

"Me?!" Liu Shan blurted out and the table shook underneath him. The tea rippled within its cup. "W-why is she frightened of me?"

"You're the emperor. You're the leader of Shu. For whatever reason she looks up to you and she is afraid of what you might think of her. Of course she'd be frightened."

Xingcai said she was terrified once. He comforted her but he never really believed a woman like her could truly be frightened. He had built up an image, its creation born several years ago, of her basked in starlight stoic against her enemies. But it's only recently that he had seen the reality for himself. Saw her vulnerabilities, her worries, saw everything she offered—good and bad. Perhaps once he looked up to her like a goddess but he was starting to realize not only that she was human as well, but that she mistook the sun on his back and the crown on his head for an angelic halo gifted from the gods.

Zhang Bao shifted on his feet, seriousness replaced with a more contemplative, sympathetic expression. "I'll admit that I never really held you in high regard. I don't know what Xingcai sees in you and quite frankly, I still don't. But recently you and Xingcai have been having these weird falling outs and every single time Xingcai gets depressed, and if you matter so much to my sister, well…you can't all be bad."

Liu Shan didn't know how to respond. There was nothing in his vocabulary that could sum up the contradicting feelings that bubbled in his chest. His head throbbed in pain.

"And yeah, when I heard Guan Ping wanted to marry Xingcai, I was all for it at first. But…then I've seen how unhappy she's been lately. With the marriage, with herself, she's…not acting like herself. And she's always happy around you so I thought maybe you could help her?"

Liu Shan wanted to make an excuse that Xingcai wasn't happy around him ALL the time but decided to keep his mouth shut. That was an argument for a different day and time. "I…I wish I knew how to make her happy but…well, I don't think I am the person that can help her. She will be married to Guan Ping, I will be married to some noble woman, and we will inevitably drift apart. And regardless of what my feelings are for her, Xingcai in the end is my closest friend and I would hate to see her go. I've tried to lessen her pain and gave her the easiest option that would allow her to be married and be assured her freedom but she refused it."

"What…did you offer her?"

"…I offered that she marry me instead." Liu Shan mumbled.

"WHAT?!"

The screaming sent another jolt of pain to Liu Shan's head. A hand went up to his temples. He was beginning to regret bringing Zhang Bao into his home. "Z-Zhang Bao, not so loud." Liu Shan pleaded.

But Zhang Bao was too astounded to listen. "Wait, you offered to marry Xingcai? Back at the stables?! Why?!"

Liu Shan couldn't help but blush. Why DID he make that offer? "I-I thought it would be the safest option for the both of us. She gets the money and prestige her family needs, she can still be friends with Guan Ping and pursue whatever man or woman takes her fancy. We are allowed to remain friends and all we have to do is keep up appearances for a few public meetings."

"No, I don't care why you asked her, it's just…why did she REFUSE?"

Liu Shan spluttered. "Y-you tell me. Aren't you her brother?"

"Yeah but she didn't mention you proposed to her. She…" Zhang Bao scowled. "…she didn't tell me. Her only brother..."

Liu Shan knew Zhang Bao's feelings well. To not know how she felt, it was an indescribable pain that never truly went away. His head ached. "Xingcai is a private person by nature." Liu Shan assured. "I don't think she intentionally held back this information."

"She used to tell me everything, once upon a time. Now the only person she tells stuff to is…" Zhang Bao shook his head angrily. "I shouldn't get worked up about this."

He couldn't think of anything to say that will help ease Zhang Bao's doubts, let alone his own. What words could he articulate that could calm the growing entropy in Zhang Bao's heart? Silently, he turned back to his cold congee and lukewarm tea and slowly ate his breakfast. Zhang Bao only stood, gazing absently into the ceiling.

When Liu Shan finished eating, he took the bowl and cup and placed it in the kitchen for a servant to clean later. He beckoned Zhang Bao to follow him to the living room where they both sat quietly. The silence both unnerved and comforted Liu Shan. The absence of sound held so many lingering questions, all unspoken.

"I heard that same night you confessed to Guan Xing, right? Should I congratulate you or…?"

"Where did you hear that?" Zhang Bao's brows creased but the slow pull of a smile on his cheeks confirmed to Liu Shan his suspicions.

"Guan Yinping can be a bit of a gossip when she wants to be. But your secret is safe with me." Liu Shan let out a strained smile. "I commend you on the courage it must take to confess to a man of the same gender as you these intimate feelings. It must be difficult to admit."

Zhang Bao smiled softly. "He refused me."

"O-oh." He didn't know Zhang Bao well enough to offer a sympathetic pat on the back. It was too informal. Not appropriate with the man he only really knew as Xingcai's brother.

Zhang Bao sighed up to the heavens. "I mean, what did I expect, Guan Xing is heterosexual and I'm…not. Not completely, that is. But, you know, he said it didn't change his opinion of me and despite refusing my confession he wanted me to remain his best friend and sworn brother. I should be upset that he does not like me in the same way as I do but I'm not. Instead, a weight's been lifted off my shoulder. It's a strange feeling, no doubt about that, but a good one."

His stomach fell, and he could not help from frown. "…I'm happy for you." He said unconvincingly.

Liu Shan was far from a jealous man but he had to admit, he was envious for Zhang Bao. Confessing your feelings, getting rid of the world's weight on your shoulders, they're all things he wanted to do but could not for one reason or another. Why was it so effortless with people like Zhang Bao and for him it's so difficult to say your true feelings? Why was it so hard for him?

Liu Shan ignored the disquiet in his heart. The questions he asked were not ones he could answer easily. "If I may ask, Zhang Bao, how easy was it for you to confess?"

Zhang Bao was taken aback by the question. "I…I don't know what you mean."

"I mean, how easy was it to say your piece? Did the words flow like sweet honey out of your mouth or did it feel as though you were just vomiting them out? Did you speak with your mind or with your heart? Was there a clash between these two opposing sides of your body or did they perform in unison? Was it easy for you to confess or was it difficult?"

"I needed convincing because I was sure Guan Xing didn't like me that way and in the end I was right but…when you're in the moment, it comes naturally. As soon as you convince yourself to do something or say something, it automatically becomes easier. At least, that's how it's like for me."

Liu Shan frowned. When he went to Xingcai's house after Guan Ping confessed, after they had made amends, he felt that conviction in him for a brief moment. Words like 'I love you' didn't get caught in his throat. Touches that he'd only imagined before became reality. In fact, he had felt that pull to Xingcai so many times but it was only recently that he was acting with purposeful intent rather than mere impulse. Not that it had done much in achieving the ultimate goal of admitting his feelings.

Zhang Bao was silent. When he spoke, his voice was low and cautious. "Are you in love with my sister?"

He blinked. "What do you mean?"

"Unless you're as dumb as everybody else thinks you are, you _know_ what I mean." Zhang Bao crossed his arms. "I won't ask you another time. Do you love my sister?"

Liu Shan frowned as he suddenly felt the all too familiar constriction of his chest, the stutter in his voice that was as feral as the wildest beast. "I-I do." He mumbled.

"Louder."

His brows knitted in confusion. What did Zhang Bao want him to say? What is _'louder'_? "I-I do." He said, louder than before.

"Come on, look, I know you're a pretty quiet person but you can do better than this. I need to know I can actually trust you with my sister. Louder!"

Anger bubbled in his veins. What was there to say? Does Zhang Bao need to know every depraved detail? Does he want some heartfelt confession? What does he mean _'louder'_? What is _'louder'_?! "I do love her! I swear it on the heavens." He shouted.

Zhang Bao scoffed, arbitrarily checking his fingernails. "Seriously, is that it? Come on, louder than that. " His voice was as cold as ice.

There was a loud snap in the back of his mind as Liu Shan suddenly stood up and glared at Zhang Bao with seething, snarling teeth. "What else do you want me to say? That I am a fool? That I am a coward? That I don't deserve her?! I _know_ all these things, I have known them my whole life and they've weighed down my shoulders so heavily. But with her, for once I can actually be myself and not pretend! She knows my heart better than I do, and instead of stomping it in the ground she cares for it, and I know no one else who has ever done this for me! I want to see her worries and doubts myself so that I may care for her as she has cared for me and finally make us even for the years of service she's provided! I want to see her heart for myself!"

His hands curled up into tight fists, fingernails piercing the skin and drawing blood but he could not care less. There was no logic anymore. Just raw, unfiltered emotion coursing out of his body and Zhang Bao's voice crying _"louder, louder"_ into his brain ad nauseam.

"So I will tell you bluntly, Zhang Bao, I do not care if you do or do not give me your blessing because I know I care about Xingcai. I will grieve her marriage to Guan Ping not because he has the strength to confess far earlier than I could or out of any malice for the man but for the simple fact that I must separate from Xingcai. This is more than just some trite love, this is an undying bond we share, a connection that defies human understanding, and if no one understands that then…" A hand clawed his way up his scalp, fingers tight and hard on his skull.

Liu Shan was breathing heavily. He was so angry about everything, all but ready to hurl something across the room or beat up a training dummy, something. But in the corner of his eyes he saw Zhang Bao staring at him. There was fear in his eyes, watching this man, this _animal_ scream before him. And then all the anger left Liu Shan's body and he felt so weak and tired, as if the outburst siphoned all the energy out of him. He clutched his body tightly. His blood was leaving his body and he felt so cold.

"W-why did I say all that?" He shuddered. "Why?"

Zhang Bao stood up, approached Liu Shan, and placed a hesitant yet comforting on the emperor's shoulder. "H-hey, don't beat yourself up about it. It's…" He searched in his head for a word and decided on, "…wow."

Liu Shan sunk his head into his hands. His temples throbbed. By now he couldn't blame his headache on a lingering hangover. He knew the origins of his ailments were psychological, not physical. "I-I didn't mean to get so upset about it. Why did it get under my skin so much? Why?"

Zhang Bao tilted his head, trying to get a glimpse of Liu Shan's face. "L-Lord Liu Shan, I'm not mad or anything." He attempted a sympathetic smile. "I-in fact it's a good thing. If you can do a… _happier_ version of that outburst, you might be able to get through to my sister."

"I doubt that." Liu Shan couldn't help but grumble. "Last time I tried to tell her, it didn't go well. Nor did the time before that."

"Well maybe you just need some help then." He glanced down Liu Shan's grubby robes and tousled hair. "…or a LOT of help. And sure, I'm no strategist or anything but by the time I'm through we're making sure you get your boneheaded words through to my boneheaded sister. OK?"

Zhang Bao extended a hand. Liu Shan stared at it for the longest time, confusion and worry plaguing his mind. But Zhang Bao had a point, maybe he needed some help. He's talked about his feelings before but he's never actually had anyone give any specific help. It was strange that it was coming from Zhang Bao of all people and he can't help but think in the back of his head that there's a hidden agenda he could not yet see, something yet to be discussed that drove the general to visit him and to help him. But regardless Zhang Bao was here and he had always been a man of his word.

Throwing caution to the wind, Liu Shan hesitantly shook Zhang Bao's hand. Though Liu Shan's body was cold, there was fire in his eyes, awakened from the outburst, and in the sunlight they smoldered faintly, still bright and burning. Zhang Bao saw the glint in his lord's eyes and smirked to himself.

* * *

After the emperor changed and looked proper, Liu Shan was to go to the great dining hall while Zhang Bao made his preparations. As Liu Shan began to comb his hair, long after Zhang Bao left the residence did he feel the first waves of panic. Liu Shan admitted earlier to Zhang Bao the basic plans for his fake date with Xingcai later tonight. The response? "Don't worry, I'll handle it."

_It's you handling it that I'm worried about_ , Liu Shan thought as he placed the crown upon his head once more.

It was an unspoken truce between Liu Shan and Zhang Bao, however temporarily it was. The few times Zhang Bao had spoke up while Liu Shan was explaining what he needed help with, he was terse and to the point. It was clear that Zhang Bao was trying his hardest to hide the disdain he felt for his lord but his expressions betrayed him. If there was one thing Liu Shan could ultimately take from their interactions, it was that Zhang Bao's desire to help was not benevolent. It was a selfish request, perhaps to fulfill his own goals or to fulfill Xingcai's, but selfish regardless. Did that mean he would sabotage Liu Shan's relationship with Xingcai? It was impossible to say. Right now, all Liu Shan could do was trust that Zhang Bao would aid him instead of hinder him.

Liu Shan had a gut feeling that Zhang Bao intended on fulfilling his promise to help. Perhaps that was why he was so quick on accepting the offer of help.

Liu Shan had a simple but clear plan for tonight. In the storage room that he met with Xingcai for her lessons, he was to transform it into a miniature dining room, complete with food, wine, and candles. Under the guise of a lesson, he'd try and get Xingcai to open up and once he felt she was inebriated enough and happy enough to listen to him, he would share his feelings for her. Of course, even though he only had the afternoon left to prepare, most of his preparations were already in place. Yesterday he had sent an articulate letter in his best handwriting yet asking for Xingcai to wear her nicest dress. Throughout this past week he had been tirelessly clearing out the storage room and all but the heaviest and most valuable items were removed and stored elsewhere. And right now, under instructions given yesterday, Liu Shan's personal chef was cooking up a storm as he all too eagerly prepared his finest dishes yet.

So almost everything had been done, really. All he needed to do was decorate the storage room a little bit and acquire some candles to light up the room. And then somehow sneak the food and wine without raising suspicion in the palace. And then he had to figure out how he was going to set up the mood so that he could confess to Xingcai without looking like an utter fool.

…OK, so he might not have done everything, but Zhang Bao claimed he could solve all that and Liu Shan can't help but trust his judgment. Dressed up wearing his finest robes and most exquisite smile, Liu Shan left his quarters and went to the dining hall.

He was not surprised to find Zhang Bao was already there. He also wasn't surprised that Zhang Bao had mobilized a few of his staff into the room who stood silently like soldiers under inspection. What did surprise him were the presence of Guan Xing, Bao Sanniang, and, most surprising of all, Huang Yueying, who were all chatting about the summons.

As soon as Liu Shan stepped foot inside the dining hall all eyes were on him. In unison everyone bowed. "Good morning, my lord." They all chimed together.

He may have been emperor for a few years already but he was still not used to the reverence people gave him, forced or otherwise. He did not know what he said but it was probably something among the lines of "good morning" and it seemed to have been a satisfactory answer.

Hands on his hips and a proud smirk on his face, Zhang Bao walked over to Liu Shan's side. "Now that we're all here, I think it's time I tell you all why we're here." His voice boomed across the room, to the displeasure of Liu Shan who had to face the full force of Zhang Bao's shout.

"Yeah, why ARE we here?" Guan Xing turned to Zhang Bao. "What scheme do you have up your sleeve this time?"

"No scheme this time, Xing, and there's nothing up my sleeve. Lord Liu Shan needs assistance and it is our duty as soldiers of Shu to help our lord in times of need and I thought you guys might be the best for the job."

The others murmured to themselves, pleasantly surprised by the compliment.

"Now listen up because Lord Liu Shan has something to say."

Zhang Bao turned to Liu Shan and gave a far-too-obvious wink. Liu Shan bit back the desire to roll his eyes. He must remain cordial and polite and above all, he would not give Zhang Bao the satisfaction of eliciting a response.

Mustering his best smile, Liu Shan regarded the group in front of him. "I apologise for bringing you all out here on this lovely day but I really do appreciate your help. It's not a big job but it can be considered tedious work. I will, of course, reward you all for your efforts."

Bao Sanniang smirked. "Is this about Xingcai again?"

Five seconds and people were already able to hazard the truth out of him. Was it really that obvious? "T-there is a storage room nearby containing relics from my father's days." Liu Shan said, ignoring Bao Sanniang's comment. "Till this day these relics have been sitting there collecting dust, unloved and with no one to look after them. Your job is to help me move them to a different location, categorise them—hopefully we are still able to find use in these items—and if time allows for it, clean the storage room up."

"So it won't be a storage room?" Yueying asked.

"Potentially. I have yet to decide what to do with it. Despite its small size, it is one of the few rooms in this palace untouched since my father's reign and there might be value in that fact. It could be a small shrine, a private meeting room, a room dedicated to the palace's heritage, there are so many possibilities but that decision will be made at a latter date. If you have any recommendations, feel free to speak to me about them later but for now the future of the site is undetermined."

Yueying gave a shallow nod. Her mind was already whirling with ideas for what to do with the space. Liu Shan recognised the twinkle in her eyes whenever she had a big idea.

"I have in mind three groups for today." Liu Shan announced. "The first group will pack the items into boxes. The second group will carry the boxes back here and the third group will stay behind here and appraise them. I'll leave the details to you all on which group you'd prefer to work in."

Knowing the people in the room, Liu Shan already had a good idea of who would organize themselves into which group. Bao Sanniang took charge of the box packing group alongside two other servants who seemed equally gleeful and troubled about having Bao Sanniang in charge. Guan Xing and Zhang Bao insisted on carrying the boxes back to the dining room together. Liu Shan could faintly hear the two sworn brothers make a bet on who could carry more. He decided not to intervene, mostly because he knew how serious their bets could get at times and it will at least get the job done. Yueying and the remaining servants comprised the last group. Already he could hear her lecturing them on what to look out for. Clearly her explanations were equally as complicated as her husband's because the servants all had a blank, bemused look on their faces.

The groups had set up and Liu Shan was ready to show them where the storage room was when Zhang Bao suddenly approached him and pulled him by the sleeve to a corner of the room.

"OK, I got everybody here but what does this have to do with Xingcai again?"

"I thought I already told you. That room is where the date is occurring."

"No, yeah, I got that. But why have a date in a storage room?"

Liu Shan smiled cryptically. "Let's just say it's symbolic and leave it at that."

Zhang Bao shrugged. "Whatever you say, my lord."

It had been longer than he realized since he had been to the storage room alone. He remembered when he first discovered it, back in his adolescence. He had just heard word of his father's failing health and he was beyond upset. Liu Bei did not tell him anything, not like he ever did in his life and not even when he was approaching death. Liu Shan found the room while he was exploring and found it a quiet haven where he could cry as much as he wanted and nobody would hear him. Soon, it became a place of sad memories, a place to wallow in sorrow and guilt. Though he only visited the room once it left an impression on him as a young man. He never went back until Xingcai asked for his help, filling what used to be a dark and quiet room with light and laughter and love. And now he had to return to that place once more, scrub the now familiar clutter away in a last ditch attempt to reach out to her.

It felt fitting, beginning and ending Xingcai's quest for love in the very room they learned from each other. They've learned to confide with each other, to trust, to care, to worry, to let out everything that plagued their mind. Now they must abandon their insecurities and be reborn. Their path must end and a new one must begin from the ashes of before.

"You know," Liu Shan said. "I still don't get why you are trying to help me."

Zhang Bao frowned. "Like I said, I heard what you and Xingcai said between you both and I felt compelled to talk to you."

There was something more, Liu Shan realised. And Zhang Bao was at the precipice of admitting it. "And?"

"…and I pity you." Zhang Bao said quietly, glancing up to gauge Liu Shan's reaction.

Liu Shan didn't know what expression he wore at the time. It couldn't have been a pleasant one. "There is no need to pity me."

"Maybe not. But still, I do pity you. You don't deserve any of the things that have happened to you. Good and bad." Zhang Bao looked to the ground before adding, "You don't deserve to have been rejected the way you were."

Liu Shan crossed his arms over his chest, watching the small crowd before him. He knew for a long time he didn't deserve what he had. Not the kingdom his father left him, not the loyal soldiers and strategists and ministers that looked up to him. He especially did not deserve Xingcai and her quiet presence, did not deserve her gentle smiles and her undying loyalty. But now that he had all these things, he will fight for them. He will earn his kingdom in due time, earn the loyalty of his soldiers. He will earn Xingcai's affection.

Thinking about affection however reminded him about his outburst earlier this morning. His brow creased in worry. He didn't actually apologise for it, now that he thought back to it. Liu Shan started, "Look, Zhang Bao, about this morning—"

"Forget about it. I pushed your buttons and got what I deserve. I'm sorry for pressuring you." But from the depths of Zhang Bao's melancholy sprung back a bright smile, the sun emerging from the dark clouds. "And honestly, I'm pretty sure my sister's into that kind of romantic outburst. Not that she'd say it outright."

Liu Shan laughed. "I thought she didn't like excessive displays of emotion."

"Let's be honest, you're both a bit thickheaded at the moment. I think you NEED an excessive display of affection to get the message across."

"Is that a hint?" Liu Shan smirked.

Zhang Bao shrugged. "Call it what you will. Just promise me you will make her happy, OK?"

Zhang Bao gave a short pat on Liu Shan's back before quietly skittering off to Guan Xing's side, grinning from cheek to cheek as he suddenly jammed a thumb in the crook of Guan Xing's back, causing them to yelp in surprise. Liu Shan recognised the smile Zhang Bao made in the commotion. It was much broader and more heartfelt but still quite similar to the smiles Xingcai made from time to time. The smiles she made when they were alone. Zhang Bao might have a completely different personality from Xingcai but that was not to say they did not share the odd similarity every now and then. Liu Shan was sure their smiles are just one of the many similarities the siblings shared.

Liu Shan led two of the three groups—the box packing group affectionately nicknamed 'Kitty Power' by Bao Sanniang and the box carrying group affectionately nicknamed 'The Bros' by Guan Xing and Zhang Bao—to the storage room where they quickly set about to work. Liu Shan offered to help The Bros with carrying the boxes but they insisted the bet wouldn't be fair if a third party intervened so Liu Shan spent the time locating boxes for Kitty Power to use for their packing. One of the Kitty Power servants joked about using Yueying's wooden oxen instead but to Liu Shan's relief the offer was quickly shot down by everyone else. Since Liu Shan had cleared away most of the items in the room, the job only took about half an hour to complete.

Bao Sanniang said her farewells to everybody and left, citing that she had other plans for the day. Before she left she offered a few poetic parting words for Liu Shan.

"Don't drool too much over Xingcai tomorrow, 'kay?"

Liu Shan was left a flushing mess as Bao Sanniang skipped away into the distance, giggling to herself, leaving it up to Liu Shan's imagination to fill in the blanks. The first image to come to mind and the one that persisted was of Xingcai wearing a gorgeous red wedding gown, the finest jewelry hanging down her ears and neck, the epitome of a blushing bride. He wondered briefly as he returned to the dining hall why a wedding dress was the first thing that he thought of. It was so easy now to imagine Xingcai as his wife.

By the time he returned to the dining hall, most of the boxes were already there and ready to be unpacked, Guan Xing and Zhang Bao racing each other as they carried what Liu Shan assumed to be the last of the boxes back in a race towards the finish line. Inside the dining hall, Yueying spoke with thinly veiled excitement to the newcomers, the two servants that compromised the now defunct Kitty Power, about their upcoming task and set them on their jobs. Liu Shan would help out too but if he was going to hear the same speech about 'doing your job' and considering the drill instructor-like pace Yueying was working at, perhaps it was best he remained outside of Yueying's scope of scrutiny. And the best way to remain helpful without potentially putting himself under Yueying's crossfire was to help the servants unpack the boxes.

For everybody else it was simply a glorified clean up job, the kind you would ordinarily do for a relative that had passed away or left home so you could have an extra room. For Liu Shan however, it was a trip of nostalgia as he appraised the items that held the memories of his youth. Though he called them relics earlier in his speech, very few of the items he had seen so far held any real value in terms of money and information. Their value was only recognised by Liu Shan alone as he took the items out of the box and with great care placed them on the floor. This continued until he was up to his third box. Right at the top were four table ornaments—red, green, blue, and purple. Sitting right next them was a furled up scroll but he did not need to read it to know what it contained: an outdated map of the boundaries between the nations.

He paused as he regarded the items carefully. These were the props from his first lesson teaching Xingcai. He remembered Xingcai's fingers pluck the green ornament off the table, the growing displeasure he felt as he tried and failed to teach Xingcai, but the memory with the greatest clarity was incredibly brief and equally important. All it comprised of was four simple words.

_"_ _Same time tomorrow, right?"_

In retrospect it was the most meaningless, most obtuse thing to remember from that day. She didn't even say it in some special way that hinted at the possibility of a deeper attraction. The thought of picking himself up from the dirt and risking everything just to win her heart seemed like such an impossible feat back then but now…now he was doing the impossible. Now he was actively trying to win her heart instead of pining from afar. Now there was flirtation and teasing and romantic gestures, hidden behind the slowly crumbling barrier of friendship. Now he was more confident in himself, and though the doubts and worries in his mind still plagued him, their voices did not ring so loud.

They were different now, the both of them. But it was for the better, and he was going to make sure Xingcai could see this tonight. Everything he had been doing, everything he had changed, it was all because of Xingcai. And he will make sure she saw for herself how much he really changed.

He could hear Yueying call his name in the distance and it took him a while to take himself out of his thoughts. When he does, he realized Yueying was not far away as he originally thought but in fact standing right behind him.

He gazed over his shoulder. "Do you need any help with that, my lord?" Yueying asked.

It took him a while to realize she was gesturing with the box and with hands raised, he stood up, backed away, and let Yueying unpack the box. The ornaments stood on the floor by her right side, the scroll to her left, separated for the moment and perhaps for eternity.

Eyes still glued onto the box and its contents, Yueying said, "Do you have anything you need to do, my lord?"

"I suppose." He still had to clean up the storage room and decorate it. The cleaning should hopefully be simple since there was almost no furniture left but decorating it would be much harder. Curtains had to be installed, moldy wood had to be hidden, and items had to be rearranged. Still, he'd hate to abandon Yueying, especially after she took the time out of her day to help him.

"Why don't you go do it now then? This job will take some time and I'm sure you have other things to attend to." Yueying smiled cordially.

A veiled plea for him to leave and not hold back the production line was left unsaid. He was sure he had good intentions regarding her reasoning but it was still plain as day she did not want him there potentially distracting everybody else. But that was fine. He could use this time to get the rest of his tasks done. He might even have time to clean himself up and make himself presentable.

"Are you sure you will be OK without me?" Liu Shan asked, knowing full well the answer Yueying will supply him.

"I am sure, Lord Liu Shan. I shall hopefully be finished before evening today."

"Then I shall take my leave, Lady Yueying."

He took a step towards the door but suddenly Yueying remembered something and cried, "Wait!"

He turned back to her. She couldn't hide the smile creeping up her face, face lit up like a child about to ask a parent for a present.

"If you do not mind, Lord Liu Shan, would you be willing to bequeath me that space for a small workshop? It would make a perfect drawing room for my plans."

Liu Shan grinned. There it was, the puppy look Yueying had perfected over the years to convince her husband to acquire materials for her inventions. Not as effective on him but it was not like he could deny her desire so easily. "I might consider it. But I can't guarantee any promises."

"That's fine, just inform me what becomes of that space in the future. Have a good day, lord Liu Shan."

Liu Shan took one final glance at the ornaments and the scroll before he left. It was only then that he truly understood the magnitude of his actions. It would be joyous indeed if Xingcai reciprocated his feelings but that wasn't necessary. All that mattered was telling Xingcai what he truly felt for her. He didn't really need her smile. He didn't really need her presence. All he needed was one final good memory, one moment actuated by passion to be preserved in his mind. One good, bittersweet goodbye. He would be fine with just that.

Or maybe he was just trying to convince himself he would be fine. But there was one niggling thought, untouched and unacknowledged in the back of his mind, that told him he wanted Xingcai far more than he dared admit to himself.

* * *

Liu Shan sat impatiently waiting for Xingcai in the storage room. Or at least, that was what it used to be not long ago but with hard work and the help of his servants and friends he had transformed the place into a miniature dining room. Luxurious red curtains now hung the windows, mounted candles lit up on every wall, the room empty and sparse except for a simple table decorated with a viridescent silken tablecloth, a single peach blossom propped up in a vase at the centre of the table. It was a complete transformation of the small room, opening up what once was cramped and stuffy to bring new beauty to the old walls.

Liu Shan was rather happy with the end result. Perhaps he should consider interior decorating as a hobby.

In front of him were two plates of what his chef called 'his romantic masterpiece'. Much as Liu Shan would like to blame Zhang Bao for blabbing to the chef about his feelings for Xingcai and the purpose of this date, it was safe to say the chef came to their own conclusion. Though the food only came fresh from the kitchen half an hour ago, the food was still piping hot and Liu Shan was able to sneak it into the storage room with nary any trouble. As far as Liu Shan was concerned, one witness compared to many was an easy price to pay.

He went up to the curtains and gazed to the moon for a guess of the time. Xingcai was rarely late, and in those few occasions it was usually because of unavoidable circumstances. He tried not to indulge his mind in imagining the potential situations that could detain Xingcai but they rang through his head, ranging from as simple as a wardrobe malfunction to as serious as an attempt on her life. There was one other reason he could imagine her being late and that was that she decided not to come after all. In that one decision, their relationship would end just like that, degrading the bond between true friends down into acquaintances until the memories faded.

He hoped it wasn't the last one. Xingcai couldn't be that cruel to him but there is the possibility that she changed far more than he expected. All he could do was cross his fingers and hope their last bittersweet symphony would not end on such a sour note.

A pair of footsteps could be heard coming down the hallway and he could feel his throat close in on itself, his back unnaturally straight as he tried to calm himself down from his sudden anxiety attack. The feet paused in front of the door, and Liu Shan gulped loudly. What would Xingcai look like? Would she be willing to play along with the date? Would she figure out his true intentions in organizing this fake date? How was she going to react to all this? The door creaked slightly. Liu Shan's fingers dug into the flesh of his thighs.

But then the owner of the footsteps made a loud sigh—a masculine voice, too—and they left. It wasn't Xingcai, Liu Shan realised. It was probably a nobleman who got lost.

He let out a deep, deep breath in relief. His right hand went over to his chest and he could hear his heart thumping quickly, his breathing fast and erratic, and they were both slowing down at an even, measured rate. Soon as he got a grasp on his emotions and calmed himself down to an acceptable level, he cursed himself for getting so worked up.

It was safe to say Liu Shan was more nervous than usual. Which was strange because just moments earlier when he was getting ready he felt prepared, confident about this evening. There were so many things that could have gone wrong but they didn't, and he took it as a good sign. And it took him days and days to convince himself that he didn't have to act different around Xingcai. Just be yourself and don't worry about what she might think, he told himself over and over, a mantra to bring about self peace, and now he had to repeat it to himself once more. Things will go OK. He will reveal everything to Xingcai, his true self, his true feelings, everything.

But…what if she didn't like what she saw? What if she didn't like his true self?

"Aargh, stupid, stupid." He was all but ready to slap himself on the face. Now he knew he was just making up excuses to be nervous. He could do this. He had to do this. This was his chance and he was going to pull out all the stops. The indecision, the worry, the pining, it ended tonight.

Another pair of footsteps rung on the heavy floorboard. Liu Shan knew it was Xingcai this time because he could hear her voice, strong and clear. "My lord?"

He kept his nerve this time around. His voice did not shake as he called to Xingcai over the door. "Come on in."

The door opened and in stepped the most gorgeous woman Liu Shan had ever seen.

Xingcai wore an elegant silk emerald dress that went down to the floor. A robe was worn over the dress that was so long it trailed behind her as she moved, its long sleeves and see-through silk barely hiding Xingcai's soft, pale arms. Her hair was braided into an intricate pattern, accessorized by a crown of golden flowers. Most mesmerizing however was her face. She put on the palest makeup she had, that must have been what she done, because her ruby red never looked so plump and gorgeous and utterly kissable and her shimmering eyes that sparkled like the night sky never looked so captivating.

Xingcai might only be human, but her appearance was akin to a goddess, radiant and captivating. The only drawback to being in the presence of the most beautiful creature he's ever seen was that it made him feel out of place. Surely his meager clothing and mortal body were not suited to be in the presence of such a heavenly woman.

"Wow…" He whispered as his eyes trailed down her body.

She gave a bashful blush, a hand going over her lips. "D-don't stare."

But he disobeyed Xingcai's orders, taking in every detail, every beautiful, beautiful piece of her. He asked her to wear her finest but he didn't expect anything as nice as this. A dress like this was for the eyes of several men, to show off your riches and looks or to flaunt your vanity. This was the dress a woman wore to only the most extravagant and expensive events. And yet she was dressed like this for him alone, standing in wait inside one of the quaintest and humblest of dining rooms. For his eyes only.

"L-Liu Shan, how…how do I look?"

Gorgeous, striking, seductive, alluring, there were so many words that described Xingcai right now but there was one above all else that suited her perfectly. "Absolutely _beautiful_." He replied breathlessly.

Xingcai blushed and gave a bashful smile. "R-Really?"

He'd love to give a simple yes but seeing this goddess incarnate in front of him, his heart didn't think a simple yes would suffice. He would spew compliments left and right; praise her hair, her eyes, her smile, her laugh, anything that captured his attention. He'd shower her with affection and it was those words aching for release in his throat, that need to convince Xingcai of her beauty that ultimately left the words unsaid. He barely mustered up the willpower to nod at Xingcai without grinning like an idiot.

Liu Shan guided Xingcai to her seat before sitting himself down at the opposite end of the table. He watched her as she gazed around the room with wonder and amazement. She was fascinated by the miraculous change of the storage room. He was fascinated in the soft shift in her eyes as she surveyed the room, taking a strange thrill in the way her eyes lit up like the flickering stars above.

She turned to Liu Shan, mouth open, but he already knew what he was going to ask and spoke before she did. "I refurbished the room. Took the items out, moved them to a different storage area, cleaned it, added the furniture, I did everything."

"W-why? This is a lot of effort to put in just for this one night, this small room."

It was so much more than just one night and one small room. Not that he could tell her that just yet. "I think this room has some real potential. I always liked the location and when it's not cluttered with random objects, it's reasonably spacious." He smiled. "I want to use this room for something but I haven't decided yet what its new purpose will be."

"I see." Her eyes flitted up and down his outfit. "You know, when you said to wear my nicest clothes, I was of the impression you too would be elegantly dressed."

Liu Shan decided to wear the cheapest, simplest robe he had in his wardrobe, the kind of clothing only a commoner would wear. His hair was untied and straight but it was combed until it was soft and though his robes were plain he dressed them as neatly as he possibly could on his body. Liu Shan hoped she realized the meaning of why he was dressed so casually. This was his way to show Xingcai he was going to be honest with her. She needed to see the man behind the emperor, behind all the finery. He had prepared himself for this question, repeating to himself hundreds and hundreds of times what he would say. He just didn't expect Xingcai to look so stunning and for him to look…not stunning.

Liu Shan unconsciously smoothed out his robe. "W-well…is it OK?"

"It suits you." Xingcai smiled simply, her blush reddening as she realized what she said. "Y-you know what I mean, my lord. I just think a more relaxed style of robe fits your personality better."

Liu Shan smirked knowingly but decided not to comment on Xingcai's blush. "There's no 'my lord' or 'lord Liu Shan' or titles of any sort. In this room, you may only call me Liu Shan and nothing else."

Xingcai's eyes twinkled with humour. "It would be boring to only call you Liu Shan. What about affectionate nicknames? Like 'my love', as an example?"

Liu Shan was unprepared for how giddy he felt when she said 'my love' so earnestly. "Let's, er…stick to our names for now." He would not be able to handle such a nickname, even under the confines of the date.

"So you just so _happen_ to look like the emperor?" She raised her eyebrows.

"Now you got it." Liu Shan chuckled. "While we're in this room we're under the conditions of the fake date. This is, after all, your final test."

She placed her arms down on the table, leaning forward just slightly. "And the conditions are?"

"Well, I mentioned rule number one already. Rule number two is our relationship in the outside world does not affect this date. We're just being ourselves here, whether we like each other or not has no relevance here. Thirdly, and most importantly, none of us can complain about the food. The chef insisted on making the most romantic meal yet but as you can see, he clearly has an unconventional standard for romance."

Xingcai giggled into her wrist. "I think I can satisfy those conditions. And the objective?"

"Try and flirt with me. Seduce me as you would seduce a man you have been dating for several months now." He said. "But I won't make it easy for you, Xingcai. I'm not the easiest person to romance."

"I will see about that." She took his hand from across the table and began to trace the back of his hand with her fingertip. He involuntarily shook from the sensation and Xingcai noticed. A coy grin began to emerge. " _I'm not inexperienced in flirting, Liu Shan._ "

Liu Shan gulped loudly as heat slowly spread across his cheeks, hoping it was just a poor choice of words on her part and not a hint at something far greater than his expectations for the evening.

As they chat over dinner, the test began. Liu Shan would prompt Xingcai at various parts of the evening to respond with specific scenarios he provided. Small smiles, small touches, under the guise of a test he hoped to provoke Xingcai's more romantic side. And in his care she blossomed, smiling her coquettish smile, touching him with her soft, tender hands. A part of him was convinced Xingcai was good at the art of flirtation, that her numerous dates had made her exceptionally good at feigning romantic interest but perhaps she was too good. It was in her eyes, too wide, too eager, too dazzling in the candlelight that he began to suspect Xingcai was not pretending to be interested in him. She might really be interested in him romantically.

Thus his carefully structured test—which he had created with the genuine desire to challenge Xingcai—was crumbled into pieces and forgotten. Lost in the moment, he drank up her every word, drowned himself in her lips.

It was the thin veneer of a test that allowed him to say and do the things he'd never dream of. Because that thin veneer held the promise that whatever occurred in this room stayed in this room. What he said did not mean anything, that was the safety the test provided. So he could be as truthful as he wanted to be, could unleash full force the true depths of his inner self. He laughed and smiled open. He spoke honestly and openly his true opinions of his friends and followers, admitted all the embarrassing moments of his life and spoke about the dark allure of the world outside the palace. This illusion of a test must have had the same effect on Xingcai. Her normal reservations were gone as she talked openly about whatever topic was on their lips, anything from mild pleasantries about the weather to the serious threat of battle looming over the horizon. Her laughs were loud and silly and a little bit nasally but to Liu Shan they were the siren's song, luring him in closer and closer, threatening to unshackle the desires he had long kept hidden from her for so long.

It was later in the evening long after they had finished dinner that Liu Shan had realized both of their glasses of wine had been depleted. He stood up briefly to refill his glass. "Would you like another glass, Xingcai?"

"None for me, thank you. I think one glass is enough."

Liu Shan shrugged and returned to his seat. He took only a small sip. He didn't want the liquid courage to overtake his sensibilities. As he thought of something to say, his eyes go to the necklace Guan Ping gave Xingcai. The dull turquoise stones stare at him emotionlessly. "What's it like, Xingcai?"

"What is?"

"Dating. Entertaining men. Pretending to like them. What's it like?"

Xingcai clasped her empty wine glass in both hands and momentarily scowled, regretting not asking for more wine. "I don't know what to say about it. I detest the idea of pretending to care about someone to ensure a good marriage. I detest it even more if it is merely a single date. In the end, the men I have talked to briefly were boring, boorish, and just not my type. But pretending to be someone you're not helps bring clarity on the things you do when you are honest, and I am grateful for what those experiences have taught me."

Liu Shan nodded in understanding. He knew what Xingcai felt all too well. "I hope I'm not too bad of a date." Liu Shan chuckled nervously. "It's been a while."

"You've certainly been a much better date than the others." Liu Shan stared wide eyed at Xingcai. She hid her blush behind a cup. "I-I'm being serious. With all those other men I have to pretend to like them. With you, I can…just be me."

Xingcai began to stutter quickly, backpedalling on her words and explaining her true intent. Liu Shan quieted her with a gentle _shhh_. "I get what you mean, Xingcai. It's the same with me."

She pushed aside his finger from her lips. Her eyes sparkled with wonder. "Really?"

"I told you I wouldn't lie to you anymore." He smiled to himself as he sat back down. "I must admit, it pained me not telling you what was going on in my head in the past. You of all people would have understood but I was too wary of others. I was afraid you would use me like others before you have but I should have known better. I should have trusted you enough to be myself around you."

Xingcai sat up slightly to reach over and grabbed his hand, clasping on top of it both of her hands. A comforting gesture, that might have been its purpose, but there was an element of electricity to it. Sparks hovered over their hands, tickling him with such warmth that Liu Shan briefly wondered if this was what it felt like to be loved. This was Xingcai's love, spoken not through words but action. What kind of love it was, he still couldn't tell but it was intoxicating regardless.

Perhaps it was time to find out exactly what kind of love she held for him. "Xingcai, I—" He started.

"Your offer earlier…does it still stand?"

Liu Shan blinked. "The…the offer of marriage?"

Xingcai nodded. "I'm not promising anything, Liu Shan. This isn't me accepting your offer. It's just that…things with Guan Ping feel too forced and…and the feelings I feel for the man I truly care grow still. When I'm with him, it is so much harder to pull away from him. I still love him so." She smiled wistfully for a second but she violently snapped her head away, breaking the illusion she created for herself. "I-I'm sorry, I interrupted you earlier. Go on?"

He chuckled lightly. He still has plenty of the evening left to confess to Xingcai. "It's fine, it doesn't matter what I was going to say earlier. I just wanted to say you always look so radiant whenever you talk about your love. That look of pure love in your eyes suits you, Xingcai."

Xingcai blushed furiously. "S-sorry about that. I shouldn't be talking about this sort of thing, we're supposed to be pretending to be on a date."

The 'pretend' part of the date had been abandoned long ago, Liu Shan thought, but he did not say it. "It is fine, Xingcai, I do not mind. We can change the topic if you wish."

"In that case," Xingcai leaned across the table, smirking as she rested her head on the back of one hand, "What am I to expect in your future, Liu Shan? You have a woman in mind to be your empress?"

"Clearly not. Otherwise I wouldn't have asked you." He immediately regretted his words but decided not to take them back. "W-what I mean is that I don't have any person in particular in mind."

"Surely you have a type of woman you are interested in."

Liu Shan smiled to himself, gazing longingly into his cup. "I do have a type, Xingcai, but I will be lucky to find someone of my type. I am quite particular."

"Enlighten me, then. I want to know." Xingcai purred.

Xingcai seemed to have an ulterior motive for asking him about his romantic preference. She stared at him with half-lidded eyes that seemed unfocused in the light, her mind concentrating on something. He was hesitant to speak but Xingcai gestured for him to talk. "…If I had to put it simply, I like strong women. Not necessarily physically but mentally, spiritually. They have to be strong of heart after all if they want to share the burdens I hold as emperor. Of course…" Liu Shan's cheek redden. "...it'd be nice if they were beautiful."

"Tell me more." She smiled absently.

Xingcai didn't seem to be paying attention, at least not to what he was talking about. He paused, hoping to ask Xingcai what was on her mind but she motioned for him to continue. "…M-most of all I want a woman who understands me. Someone I can talk to about anything and everything, a woman who could accept me as I am. But women like that are like the rarest jewels for they are few and precious. To that woman who could love me for me, if they dared to be next to me, I would treasure them with all my heart."

" _More_." Xingcai sighed.

Liu Shan gulped. Did Xingcai figure out what he truly meant by his words? "W-what do you mean?" He breathed.

"Tell me exactly what the perfect woman would be like for you. Her looks, her personality, her stature, her background, everything, I want to hear. _Please_."

It was then that Liu Shan realized how intensely Xingcai had been staring at him. She was utterly fascinated with him, from the small dimples on his cheek to the gentle passion in his voice, and he didn't know how to feel about this. His lips parted slightly, words and sentences lost in translation, and her eyes slowly drifted down to stare at her lips.

It was a dangerous atmosphere in the air. He had hoped to create a romantic, loving environment so that he could confess Xingcai with ease but the air was heavy with a different set of emotions altogether, that of longing, desire, and desperation. He had hoped to be satisfied with a heartfelt plea of his feelings but now that suddenly didn't feel like enough. He wanted to kiss her right there and then. He wanted to jump out of his seat and pull Xingcai close and feel her breath tickle his cheek. But that would be too far. Confessing to a girl who was already in a relationship, that was one thing, but kissing her was another. Stealing her away for a quick moment of passion, that was not his intention.

But that might have been Xingcai's intention. A break from the duties that now chained her to an unhappy marriage. A welcome escape from reality.

He stood up and approached her. She stood up too, eyes unblinking as the distance between them shortened with every step he took until they were mere centimetres from each other. Automatically, his hand reached out for her cheek, rubbing light circles with his thumb.

Xingcai's body involuntarily tensed from his touch. "My lord?"

"You have food on you." He lied. "I'm cleaning it off."

Xingcai nodded, giving her silent consent. Liu Shan continued rubbing her cheek and slowly but surely she relaxed under his touch. She barely flinched when his other hand reached up to her cheek and he had her head in his hands. He wanted to remember all this, the feel of her soft skin, the brush of her ebony hair, the thumping of his heart loud in his ears that grew in volume as she got closer. And she did move closer, and his heartbeat raced, and her neck tilted ever so slightly into his left hand so he was now cupping her face.

There was a soft look in Xingcai's eyes as she stared at him in quiet reverence and it comforted him, reminded him of what he had done, why he had done all this, why he loved her. She was beautiful and kind, a goddess of her own domain, but one who did not understand these earthly languages. She spoke through action, that was the language she best communicated in. It was not a language Liu Shan was familiar with, not a language he was comfortable with, but for Xingcai he would explain to her everything.

Slowly he leaned in close, took in the scent of her perfume, drank in the sight of her crimson lips and kissed her. Immediately his body melted into warm, gratifying candlewax.

The kiss had begun gently with the most earnest intentions. His lips grazed the surface of hers and electric sparks crackled at the spots where their lips touched. It was overwhelming at first, so much pleasure, so much happiness that Liu Shan stood still as a rock as he tried to comprehend the overwhelming wave of emotions that flared within him. Once he got a bearing on the situation—he was kissing Xingcai, _he was kissing Xingcai_ —he leaned in closer and added a little pressure. She was his addiction and he craved her so but he didn't know if Xingcai would allow him any more than she had given. Any second now, she would separate from him and the sparks would fade. That was what he expected.

But Xingcai did not do that. Instead, her hands looped tentatively around his neck and pulled him closer until their bodies touched too.

His first reaction was to loosen his hands' hold on her cheeks. _You can stop if you want to_ he told her in this action, _you don't have to kiss me if you don't want to_. But she either didn't understand or didn't care because he could feel the faintest pressure of her lips against his. How he'd love to open his eyes and see her eyes and figure out once and for all Xingcai's feelings but the sensation was too good. Opening his eyes to reality would break the tender kiss they shared. And _heavens_ Xingcai was a good kisser and he really did not want her to stop.

This gentle kiss wasn't enough, he needed more, and he stoked the flames of desire as he began to kiss her intensely with passion. A needy groan was suppressed in his throat, the remnants of which were emitted as a desperate huff. Her response was to kiss back harder. Unlike him, she did not suppress her throaty moan. Liu Shan quickly decided he rather liked the sound Xingcai made when her lips were on his.

Was a kiss supposed to feel this good? He had kissed a few women in the past but it never felt like this, never so _fiery_ and _electric_. What was so spectacularly amazing about Xingcai's lips that it elicited all these emotions—love, lust, desire, desperation, trepidation—out of him? For the first time, Liu Shan was emotionally bare in front of someone. He should be fearful of her, worried what she would see but for the first time in his life he did not care. Let her see, let her feel, let her touch. Let her understand how his brain ticked and how his body burned in her presence. He did not care. Let her use him as she saw fit, anything to prolong the contact between their roaming lips.

But it had to end. Eventually Xingcai parted from his lips and took a step back. From the sudden cold his hands felt, his eyes fluttered open, met with the harsh brightness of the candlelight searing his sight. His hands dropped to his side. He was breathless, not from the action of his passionate kisses but from the revelation that he really did kiss Xingcai. He had kissed her and she had kissed him back. Until the last second she didn't pull away.

Once he adjusted to the brightness, he focused his attention onto Xingcai. A hand was over her mouth, covering her lips and her deep blush. Whatever warmth the lower half of her face dictated, the upper half of her face said otherwise, her ghost white skin and wide eyes highlighting just how unexpected, how inconceivable in her mind that Liu Shan of all people had kissed her.

He gulped back his words that tried to explain his vain actions. There was no hiding what he had just done. He would have to face the spotlight.

"L-L-Liu Shan!" Xingcai stuttered in a high pitch. "W-what was that?"

He wished he could pretend not to know what she meant but it was transparent to him. Why did he kiss her _like that_? The kiss he initiated was not born out of the curiosity of kissing her friend nor was it born purely out of desperation, an act done to make her stay with him. It was not even the kiss you would give onto a crush, it would never last so long and it would never be so passionate. It was the kiss a person gave to someone they loved with all their heart. And Liu Shan was certain Xingcai knew that.

Xingcai looked down at her dress, her whole body shaking. "W-why?" She whispered.

"I…I had to try. I was so sure you were just going to…push me away." Liu Shan said. "You…didn't push me away…"

"But why NOW?! Why kiss me now, the night before I am about to be betrothed?! Why didn't you do this before?"

Liu Shan glanced down at his shoes. A small frown played on his lips. He'd asked himself that question so many times but the answer was one he didn't like. Pure cowardice prevented him from kissing her before. Not that it was much of an excuse.

"L-Liu Shan, I can't believe you." She mumbled.

Liu Shan took a step forward, hand reaching out to touch her shoulder. "X-Xingcai—"

But she took another step back, her body shaking as she tried to make herself smaller, limbs tight and close to her body. Tears ran down her face, washing away the heavy makeup she wore, and her mouth opened to speak but to no avail. Hesitation took the breath out of her lungs and timidity kept her hands glued to her side and her feet planted firmly on the ground. Liu Shan saw a glance at her tear-stained eyes and saw the fear and suddenly everything made sense. Xingcai had an answer for him. Xingcai was in the perfect moment to dictate the decision that would change their relationship for good. Yet Xingcai did not act because she was afraid.

She feared answering because an answer would change their relationship. She feared changing their relationship because that would take away the one constant in her life—no, the one constant in _their lives_ —and everything will change from that. Liu Shan understood this irrational fear because he felt it too, felt it for the longest time, and it was because he understood that he knew there was nothing he could do to help Xingcai. In the end, she alone had to be the one to speak up. But even now at the perfect moment, the perfect opportunity, she could not speak. His confession came in too late and there was too much at stake for Xingcai.

Her eyes wander up and down his body one final time, one final memory of Liu Shan and his body and his essence before she turned her back to him and slowly walked away. Every fiber in her being trying to stop her from walking out but it was all to little avail. She left without a goodbye, tears stained black running down her face as she closed the door behind her. Liu Shan stared at the door, the doubts long suppressed rushing back into his head with a vengeance— _stupid STUPID Liu Shan why did you WAIT SO LONG?!_ He did not fight the doubts even though his heart sang insistently that he was not in the wrong but Xingcai. He agreed with neither, instead lamenting the loss of Xingcai, wondering what could have been between the two of them if he had just confessed earlier.

Slowly he cleaned up the place, putting the plates and cutlery and wine glasses onto a platter to leave outside the room. One by one he snuffed out the candles, the room gradually sinking further and further into darkness until there was only a few thin trails of moonlight peeking behind the curtains. His hand trailed down the soft fabric and out of a whim opened them slightly, not to bask the room with enough light to see but so he could see for himself the starry night sky behind the patterned windows.

He should have been disappointed, he realized. Any other day he would have been upset, maybe even crying himself. But he wasn't because his mind had drifted to just moments ago when his lips touched hers. Even with only a memory he could feel the lightning crackle, that familiar ache for something more that was just within his reach, brimming under the caress of her ruby lips. It was no ordinary kiss that transpired. It was a truth potion, bringing secrets and emotions to the light. It brought his feelings out in the open but Xingcai was stronger willed, strong enough to fight the urge to spill her feelings out too.

In the end, Liu Shan supposed he got more than what he came for. He had kissed Xingcai, gained its memory for him to repeat on his demand until it was lost to time. The opportunities to talk to Xingcai have gone, their last chance to speak privately used up, but at least he got to show Xingcai his feelings. It wasn't like he had much of a chance anyway, not against the likes of Guan Ping. After all, who said Xingcai wouldn't be miserable married to him instead? Liu Shan achieved what he came to do. They won't speak again, their lives will separate, and he will eventually be satisfied with the knowledge that nothing would ever come out between him and Xingcai.

But the gradual entropy of his thoughts said otherwise. And it was only then, as he stared into the black night and reviewed everything that happened between him and Xingcai that he realized he had a genuine chance at winning her heart. No matter how much Xingcai looked like a goddess, she really was only a mere mortal.


	18. Meteor shower

_Welcome one and all to the second last chapter of this fanfic. And my god, it's been a ride. Don't get me wrong, I've loved every second of it, but still, a ride. Not that I mind. I've always loved this ship and I am so glad the story is about to come to a close. Bit of a spoiler alert but not really but next chapter is mostly just domestic fluff ALTHOUGH I may throw in a surprise. Nothing dramatic or sad or anything. Still 100% happy, happy fluff. Just different. You'll hopefully see soon._

_Back to Liu Shan x Xingcai, I am in a way sad that this is the end. I've fantasised about writing this fanfiction for years and now that it's come to a close, I've got this empty feeling in my chest. It's like that feeling of knowing your now-adult kids are about to have a family of their own and you just sit there hoping they will have a happy family of their own. It's a very specific feeling but it's kinda like that._

_So in closing of this rather short rant by me, I hope to the other people who ship the good ship that is Liu Shan x Xingcai to hopefully continue on the work. Whether you support in silence or with loud pride, with art or fanfics or imaginary scenarios all safely tucked in your head, I hope this fanfic gave you some ideas. This is far from a perfect ship but that's all the more reason I love it. Like a real relationship it grows. Like a flower it will bloom. I really would appreciate any comments or reviews or anything in this semi final chapter. I want to hear whatever you guys have to say about my work, any review I get is treasured and appreciated even if it's not favourable. Now that this fanfic is nearing its end maybe some ideas for the future. I'll probably talk more about that in the epilogue._

_In the end, I don't own KoeiTecmo, I don't own Dynasty Warriors, and I don't own Liu Shan's heart. That last one belongs to Xingcai.  
_

Chapter 18: Meteor shower

In the early hours of the morning, Xingcai was awoken. Hairdressers and make up artists (really just friends of Lady Xiahou) arrived at the house and quickly attended to Xingcai. They were warned beforehand by Lady Xiahou that Xingcai was not very receptive to having others do her hair and makeup so it was to their surprise and relief when Xingcai did not put up a fight. In fact the whole time Xingcai did not speak, her back straight and her gaze forward. Like a servant, she was pliable to their demands, not saying a word against their suggestions. In only two instances did Xingcai spoke at all that morning. The first was to excuse herself for the bathroom and the second was to thank them after the job was done. Her voice in those moments was quiet and lifeless.

Decked out in her emerald dress, her face white and her lips crimson, eyes big and beautiful but expressionless, Xingcai was a porcelain doll of the highest quality. Lady Xiahou choked back a weep of joy at seeing her daughter so beautiful. Xingcai merely nodded politely at her mother.

It was later in the day that Zhang Bao and Lady Xiahou slowly realized that Xingcai's stoicism was unnatural. The mother and son had paired off to quickly check up on the decorations for the room they hired, leaving Xingcai behind quietly sitting on the couch. When they returned she had not moved one bit. Her stare was fixed on the wall before her. In the silence Xingcai's brain whirred constantly. Lady Xiahou shared a look with her son. Her hold on the doll in her arms tightened.

"Sis, we're back." Zhang Bao called from the front door.

"…"

"Xingcai?"

"…"

Lady Xiahou stepped in with a nervous smile on her face. "P-perhaps you are hungry? I know you must be nervous about today but I thought I'd make your favourite: meat dumplings! Yueying has been so kind to teach me her recipe so I think today's batch will be my best yet."

Not even the promise of her favourite food stirred a reaction from Xingcai. It was only when her family sat down opposite her that Xingcai gave any form of reaction. She blinked twice, her brows furrowed in confusion and annoyance for a brief moment before returning to their neutral position. Her eyes were no longer focused on the wall.

"Is there something wrong?" Xingcai asked.

"Sis, are you…OK?"

Xingcai let out a small huff. "I'm fine. I'm…" A flash of Liu Shan appeared in her mind and she could not help but grimace at the thought. She could not finish her sentence.

Zhang Bao frowned. "Look, it is fine to be a bit nervous. You don't have to hide it from us, we can help."

"R-right." Lady Xiahou nodded eagerly, taking cues from Zhang Bao. "I-I remember being nervous when I was to marry your father. It's natural what you are feeling."

But Xingcai knew otherwise. She had felt nervousness before but that was merely a prickle on her skin, the sudden catch of her breath. The feeling in her bones was not nervousness, it was fear. It was walls closing in on her, pushing at her body no matter how hard she tried to fight, pushing at her until she just accepted her inevitable fate. It was hands squeezing at her neck, constricting her breathing until all she was capable of was desperate chokes. A sob clawed up her throat and was quickly forced back down.

Zhang Bao's eyes flickered in the light. He leaned forward, resting his chin on top of his intertwined hands. "Did you finally talk to Liu Shan?"

Lady Xiahou turned to Zhang Bao in astonishment. Xingcai didn't want to lie to her brother but she did not want to admit it out loud so she compromised with a faint nod of the head. Even with such a simple action, her chest felt so heavy. If only she could turn back time and fix her past mistakes, now that she knew the truth of Liu Shan's heart.

"So he told you, didn't he? He finally told you."

Memories of the kiss resurfaced in her mind. Like a wave, it all came crashing down on her, his hands on her cheeks, the caress of his lips, the tantalizing heat, the ache she felt for him and only him, to be trapped in that moment forever and ever and never let go. Emotions threaten to spew from her mouth, spilling those dark, selfish desires she had. They might be newborn, these feelings she had for Liu Shan, but they imprinted so deeply into her heart that it felt as though she had loved Liu Shan for far longer than a measly couple of weeks. She loved him for far longer than that. She loved him for a long time but never acknowledged it.

Zhang Bao let out an exasperated huff when Xingcai stared off into the distance once more. More often, she was lost in her thoughts. "Xingcai, look, you can't just keep running away."

Xingcai stood up all of a sudden. Despite the tightness of her throat and the tears that threatened to well in her eyes, her voice did not waver. "I do not want to speak of this anymore." She said before retreating into her bedroom.

"W-wait, sis, I—"

The rest of Zhang Bao's sentence was cut off with the slam of a door.

She paced the small room but she didn't have much room to pace so it just ended up being Xingcai going up and down the sliver of free space between her bedroom door and her window. She was hyperaware of everything, from the midday light streaming through her sheer curtains to the hushed whispers of her family outside annoyed her. Worst of all, she could not will herself to calm down. Her fists were balled up tight and her cries of despair desperately choked down and she tried to reminisce on happier times, of better memories to look back on. It was a technique her father had taught her long ago, back when she was a child and more prone to bursts of crying. There was too much sadness in the world, Zhang Fei said in his rare fit of poetic contemplation, so it was perfectly alright to look at all the good times in the past to cheer you up. But all the happy memories that came to mind was of Liu Shan smiling, Liu Shan standing thoughtfully by her side, Liu Shan's puckered lips as he captured her heart and embraced it with his tender, gentle hands.

Xingcai bit into her lip hard, fighting the urge to whimper as teardrops stained her cheeks. Her makeup was ruined. She wondered if she looked as ugly as she felt at this moment.

In that moment, Lady Xiahou stepped into the room, closing the door behind her. She entered with a forced smile on her face but seeing the true extents of her daughter's sadness made her smile drop.

"M-mother…?"

"You know, sometimes I forget how much you take after me, my darling daughter." Lady Xiahou sighed.

"Mother?" Xingcai repeated.

"I…I know how much you looked up to your father. Since you were young, you wanted to fight for your country. You took his courage, his strength, his heart. I focused so much on what you shared with your father that I did not see how much you shared with me. You share my shyness. You too have been sheltered from the world of romance and love."

"I-I'm not sheltered. I just…didn't really wish to experience it."

Lady Xiahou frowned. "You have my empathy too. I know you hide how much you care because you think it protects them but it does not, my daughter. And now because of me, all that care you keep locked up inside is hurting you. I…I wanted you to get married but hurting you was not my intention."

"Then what was your intention?" Xingcai spat, too swept away by her emotions to regret the malice in her words.

Lady Xiahou placed a hand on her daughter's cheek. "I was afraid you would be led astray by the boys like I was."

Xingcai stared at the doll in her mother's other hand. Lady Xiahou's grip on the doll was loose, uncaring. Xingcai does not recall Mr. Jade being treated so carelessly by her mother. She looked up to her mother with awe.

"I…I saw the way you looked at Lord Liu Shan. I know that look. It was the same one your father had whenever he looked at you. I have rarely met the man but I noticed how his eyes changed whenever you were in his presence. I know the look he gave you. They look different on you both but they mean the same thing." She brushed her thumb over Xingcai's cheek. "It is _love_."

Why was it so obvious to everybody else except her? Why did she not see it? Everything that she did, everything that she said, it was done because she loved Liu Shan. She loved Liu Shan for so long and she did not even acknowledge it until recently. Whether as a friend or more, she loved him true.

"M-mother…" Xingcai sniffled.

"I would have accepted if you wished to be with him but I heard about your sister's treatment under his care when they were married and I was worried he might neglect you too. There were other men too all vying for your attention, so many wondrous suitors that could support you. The truth is, I did not need to have you married right now but I wanted you to anyway so you would be forced to understand the game of romance." Lady Xiahou frowned deeper. "But perhaps it was too much in too short a time. I should not have forced this marriage on you. I can cancel it if you want—"

"N-no. Don't cancel the betrothal party." Xingcai rubbed away the tears forming out of her eyes. "I…I need to do this."

"Sweetie, you don't have to do this. You care about Guan Ping but it is clear you will not be happy living with him. You don't have to marry him if he is not the one for you."

"I-I know, Mother. I know it would be far easier and far better for me if I did ask for Lord Liu Shan to marry me but I'm…" Xingcai shifted nervously on her feet, unable to finish her sentence.

"You can tell me." Lady Xiahou cooed. She grasped Xingcai's hands in her own, pulling them close to her cheek. "You do not have to do this out of duty to me. OK?"

Xingcai shook her head. "I'm not agreeing to marry out of duty. At the beginning I chose to follow your wishes out of duty to my family and my kingdom. But not anymore."

"Then why do you want to go on with the betrothal? Could it be you love Guan Ping after all?" Lady Xiahou smiled, hopeful against all hopes.

Xingcai pulled her hands away from her mother only to place them of Lady Xiahou's shoulders. She stared at her daughter in wonder. Xingcai took in a shaky breath. "M-Mother. The path you had put me on was born out of selfish reasons. You wished to give me a future I wasn't ready to accept and I should be upset for you but I am not. Because as much as I want to deny it, that was ultimately the correct choice, I had to learn about love and romance and putting me through a gauntlet of dates was probably the best way to learn. It was not a path I eagerly accepted nor was it a path that was easy for me to tread. I have hurt others and got hurt myself. It opened as many wounds as it healed and many times over I had to look into my soul, wondering if this really is love. I thought love was supposed to be gentle and kind. I don't want to hurt someone for the sake of love."

Xingcai looked up to Lady Xiahou and gave a bittersweet smile. "I have changed. From you, from my friends, from the men that have courted me, from everyone, so many people have helped me in my journey. So it would only be a fitting conclusion that I end this journey by the end of today, once I am officially betrothed. If anything I…I need to prove to myself I really am ready for marriage."

Lady Xiahou did not move for a few seconds. Conflict and concern flashed on her face like lightning but then her hands shifted by her side. Suddenly she enveloped her daughter in a sweeping hug, the biggest hug she could muster. Out of her mind and forgotten, Lady Xiahou dropped the doll in her hands.

Xingcai stared wide eyed where the doll now sat on the floor to the side, too shocked to properly react to her mother's hug. Lady Xiahou never dropped her doll, she always treated it with love and care. It was utterly conceivable that Lady Xiahou would ever willingly drop her doll.

"N-nothing I can say will dissuade you, will it?" Lady Xiahou whispered.

Xingcai shook her head once.

"So stubborn, just like your father." Lady Xiahou chuckled, wiping away the few sad tears beading in her eyes. "I would wish you luck but I fear I might upset the heavens if I were to ask them to heed my pleas. So I wish you confidence. If you want to prove to yourself you have changed, show that confidence of conviction to everybody like you have shown to me. Show it to the man who has captured your heart."

"And if I doubt him?" Xingcai slowly looped her arms around her mother.

"You are doubting yourself, not him, my daughter. I see it in your eyes. Once you find yourself in the right moment, everything will be alright."

Xingcai sighed wistfully. It might have been wishful thinking, hoping everything will turn out alright like a fairytale but she had to admit, her life was like that of a story. Maybe the story of her love will end happily ever after. One good conclusion in this world filled with chaos.

"I'm sorry things did not turn out as you wanted, Mother. I hope you are not too disappointed in my choice."

Lady Xiahou's eyes glinted mischievously. "My daughter, the lady who has captured the emperor's heart? My daughter, who might become the empress, with all the money and prestige she could ever need? I think I will be fine."

Xingcai laughed, tears streaming down her cheeks both in happiness and sadness as she pulled her mother close. Xingcai sobbed quietly into Lady Xiahou's shoulder as they hugged, comforted by the warmth of her mother's soft smile.

When they finally separated, Lady Xiahou wiped away the dark stains on her daughter's cheek with a handkerchief and led her daughter to the mirror. Xingcai stared at her reflection as if she was seeing herself for the first time. The red puffy eyes, the mascara stains under her eyes, the runny nose trailing snot down her face, it was all her, all raw and exposed and emotional. To others—Xingcai included—it might have been ugly but Lady Xiahou smiled brightly at her daughter's reflection, lifting up a small makeup brush.

"You are truly beautiful, my daughter." She replied simply. "Now I may not be the greatest makeup artist but I might be able to bring out the beauty I see in you. Would you like me to do that?"

Xingcai nodded, her throat too tight to speak but her wide smile spoke lengths of her gratitude. In absolute silence, Lady Xiahou set to work, the two women comfortable with just having the other's presence.

Half an hour later, Lady Xiahou and Zhang Bao are waiting outside. Through her bedroom door, Xingcai could hear her brother ask, "Why are we waiting for her to make her big entrance? I've already seen her dress."

Lady Xiahou giggled into her hand. "I thought I might add a little _extra something_ while I was doing your sister's makeup. Now hush, I want to see how she looks."

Xingcai rolled her eyes in amusement. Her mother was hyping this up to be much more than it was. It was just one little thing. It would not make much of a difference. Surely.

"Xingcai," Lady Xiahou called. "We're ready for you."

She couldn't help but smile a little bit as she exited her bedroom and presented herself to her family. Lady Xiahou laughed joyously. Zhang Bao gave a low whistle of approval. "You look nice, sis. Suits you better than what you had before."

"Get her a mirror, get her a mirror." Lady Xiahou flapped her hand at Zhang Bao excitedly.

"Oh, right!" He quickly scavenged around the house, eventually finding a small handheld mirror and quickly handed it to Xingcai. "Well? What do you think?"

Her makeup was not like what it was before but Xingcai knew that already. Instead of the bold colours she had before, red lips and dark eyes and pale skin, her mother had completely redone her makeup. Her lips were a more natural pink, her skin was still pale but slightly darker with a healthy, natural glow, and her eyes were painted a faint red that hid whatever redness was in her eyes. As she watched her face, transformed and without a trace of sadness, her eyes glimpsed upwards to observe her new hair.

The surprise was the hair accessory her mother had chosen. It was a simple silver hairclip, pinned to the side as Xingcai always did. Beads of silver and jade ran down, glimmering like stars in the sky, bringing about a certain beauty that Xingcai found hard to explain. It had to be incredibly valuable. With each second, Xingcai became more and more entranced with the scintillating silver.

Xingcai slowly turned to her mother. She stuttered out her bafflement. "T-this is yours, is it not, mother? S-surely I can't accept."

Lady Xiahou smiled. "That hairclip was always going to be your betrothal present. And seeing how dead set you are that you are to be betrothed, you might as well receive it now."

Tears threaten to bead once again but Xingcai held them back. She didn't want her mother to do her makeup all over again. Her feet were aching to do some walking and rid her legs of their stiffness. "Thank you, Mother. I will treasure this gift."

Lady Xiahou nodded. "I know you will. Now go. The guests will be there any minute now. I will see you soon."

"O-OK." Xingcai said. She was about to walk through the door when she stopped, turned, and quickly approached her mother and brother to give them a quick hug.

Zhang Bao looked at her with amusement. "Hey, it's not like you're going anywhere. We'll see you back here when it's all over and you can tell me how everything went, OK?"

"I did not think you would enjoy the sordid details."

Zhang Bao blushed. "Well OK, maybe not THOSE details. Y-you know what I mean. Once the party's up, we'll all be back here and talking like nothing's changed."

But everything will change, Xingcai thought. Including herself. All this trouble, all the love earned and the love lost, everything she had learned about relationships and men and affection, it would mean nothing if she did not change.

She was certain, regardless of what happened tonight, that this was the last time her family would see this incarnation of Xingcai. After tonight, after the party, she will be transformed into something so much better than she currently was.

* * *

The betrothal party was set in one of the great ballrooms, normally reserved for the most exclusive and richest of nobles for their private use. If any onlooker were to gaze at the party, they would have thought the emperor himself was hosting the party. Hundreds of guests came in, wine in everybody's hand that was constantly refreshed by the numerous servants that flitted about the place with jugs of drinks and platters of food. Every single person dressed to impress, wearing the best they had in their wardrobes, some flaunting their new appearance more than others. Musicians and dancers performed in the middle where the guests could dance along, often with a partner of their choosing, to the dulcet strings of the _erhu_ and the smooth timbre of the percussion. People chatted and laughed joyously. Indeed, on first glance, you would never have thought this was merely a betrothal party. The size and opulence on display was akin to the most formal of royal balls.

It was through a slit through the front door, watching everybody milling about, that Xingcai slowly realized just how _famous_ her betrothal was. She was expecting a crowd maybe a third of the size of the current one because that was approximately how many invitations her family sent out. It was possible that every guest brought in a friend or two but the most likely explanation was that many of the people here were friends of friends, gatecrashers even, not known by the Zhang family but curious about the circumstances surrounding their unwed daughter. She had heard plenty of rumours going around about this party and who she would choose but never in her wildest dreams would she think this many people were here to see her get betrothed.

She looked around with what limited view she got from the slit in the door, hoping to catch a glimpse of Liu Shan. He always seemed to make her comfortable, even in situations when she should not be. Maybe he would have that effect again. Mostly, Xingcai just wanted to confirm to herself that Liu Shan would come after all. She hoped he would come. Despite everything that happened last night, she hoped to the gods themselves she could see him, if only for one more time.

By the doors, two guards stood watch and silently they signaled for Xingcai to enter. They all knew the routine. Xingcai wasn't completely sure if it was entirely her mother's wishes but she was asked to make a dramatic entrance. If given the opportunity, Xingcai would rather just quietly slip into the party like she normally did but everything about this party, from the people to the decor, was far from normal. Everybody expected a dramatic entrance from her. And if that was what she must do then she will do it.

Xingcai gave a solemn nod to the guards, who threw open the doors loudly. Everything occurring within the room had stopped. Head held high, Xingcai walked forward, waves and waves of people parting like the sea away from her path, all of them awestruck, all of them staring. Soon a melody began to play, different from the one that was played moments ago. A soft, sweeping ballad played with simple instruments, a single female singer softly singing along, a new take on an old Shu song about the beauty of the simplest, purest acts of love. The choice of song was a very deliberate choice by her mother. It was one of the many lullabies sung to Xingcai when she was growing up to calm her down. She was sure her mother was trying to invoke that same effect but it only made her melancholic. Things will not be the same after tonight, Xingcai convinced herself as she walked onward.

It was hard for Xingcai to ignore the stares many of the men and women gave her. The men who did not know Xingcai saw her with lust filled eyes. The women who did not know Xingcai viewed her with covetous eyes, envious of her fine clothes and glittering jewelry. To the few who knew Xingcai and her previous reputation before the scandals surrounding her betrothal, they all viewed her with shock and surprise. How daring her dress was, how luxurious she looked, she looked almost nothing like she used to, that's what their eyes told Xingcai. Weeks before she would not be able to handle such stares, would not understand what was going on inside their heads. She supposed for better or worse, she had Liu Shan to thank. None of this would have happened if he did not approach her so many weeks ago.

Soon she arrived at the center of the room where the tide of people would part for her no more. Xingcai cleared her throat loudly. The music stopped once more.

"I would like to thank you all for coming." Xingcai's voice swept across the entire room. She had never spoken so loud before. Public speeches were never her thing. "I will keep this brief so you may return to the party quicker. I thank you all for coming here today to support my family and I in this prestigious event. In a few hours time just before the sun sets, my mother and I shall announce who I am to be betrothed to. Until then, you are free to enjoy the party as you shall see fit." Xingcai bowed deeply. "Thank you very much for listening."

The crowd politely clapped at the succinct speech though ultimately they were at a loss for words, unsure whether they should move or speak or just remain standing still. Xingcai caught herself frowning. Perhaps she should have made her speech longer but she thought she might choke up if she spoke any longer. In the silence, Xingcai searched through the throngs of people for that gentle, sweet, familiar face she could recognise anywhere. It must have been a minute but it felt like an eternity but just as she was beginning to lose faith, she found him. Liu Shan stood at the opposite side of the room, dressed in his typical finery although she could not recall him wearing the robe he wore currently. Their eyes met and everything around her was all a blur, Liu Shan being the only thing in her world full of light and colour. Like a vortex she was drawn in, her gaze locked onto her target, walking with resolution towards him as she pushed pass the grey statues she called people out of her way.

Then the music started once more, and with Xingcai's movements the party returned to its usual festivities. People flitted about, going here and there, bumping into her and apologizing, kids trying to chase each other amidst the feet of the adults. Eligible men and their parents, bachelors who had yet to prove their worth to Xingcai and her family, flocked towards her. Amidst the growing chatter and the crowd that gathered right in front of her, Liu Shan had disappeared.

 _At least he is here,_ Xingcai told herself. Deciding she must make good her promise to her family about being a good host, she indulged the men with her momentary attention. It was not long before the conversations began to meld into one another, merging into one amalgamated form.

"Greetings, Lady Zhang. I hope I won't be considered presumptuous in introducing myself—"

"Oh, you are a warrior, Lady Zhang? I can't imagine how that must be like for you. It must be incredibly hard being a woman on the battlefield. Do you intend to continue even if you are married?"

"So what about those rumours of you and Lord Liu Shan? I hear you are quite close to him. Ah, not in that way, of course, but if you are friends with him, perhaps you wouldn't mind organizing a meeting with him for me?"

Xingcai quickly waved down a servant with a cup of wine, took it, and unceremoniously gulped half of it. She wiped her lips, gave a curt goodbye to the small crowd of eager men before her and walked towards the corner of the room. There she watched the crowd dancing and chatting and having fun without her, sipping her wine every now and again. Her eyes darted around, hoping to catch a glimpse of Liu Shan once again. After a minute of silently searching, she found him once again, chatting to a group of older gentlemen at the opposite end of the room. Before she even realized what she was doing, her feet propelled her forward, her strides quick and large as she crossed the space between them.

Liu Shan was still animatedly talking when she arrived. His back was turned and he was far too engrossed in the conversation to notice but the men he was talking to did, their eyes drifting away from Liu Shan to gaze at Xingcai. A few seconds later, when Liu Shan realized the men were not paying attention did he finally turn around. His smile faded and his eyes widened. Their gaze met and the world was quick to melt away.

"Xingcai…" He mumbled. Although he had seen her dress last night, his eyes still roamed up and down its length, silently admiring it. Xingcai couldn't help the blush on her cheeks.

"Liu Shan." She quietly replied.

She was acutely aware of the men slowly walking away, still watching with interest. Her heart thumped in her chest to the beat of the music.

Liu Shan caught himself staring and cleared his throat loudly. "Y-you look lovely in that dress, Xingcai."

Xingcai allowed her eyes to dip down and gaze at Liu Shan's robes. They were immaculate, new, and never worn before. Xingcai had to quietly admit, Liu Shan looked quite good in them. He appeared more dashing, more conventionally handsome. If Xingcai was being honest however, she much preferred the Liu Shan she saw yesterday, long flowing locks and tight simple robes and everything. When he let go, he could be utterly entrancing.

"You look good too." Noting Liu Shan's nervousness, she allowed her hands to brush against his collar, marveling at the stitching. "Lady Jian's work?" She asked innocently.

Liu Shan gulped but did nothing to push away Xingcai's fingers. "Yeah. I, er, thought it was far too nice for everyday wear. Perhaps I thought it might be an interesting idea if we both wore her fine clothes for the same event like today but after last night…" His words were left unsaid.

Xingcai's thumb accidentally slipped off the collar and touched Liu Shan in the crook of his neck and he trembled. Xingcai blushed, a little bit bashful yet proud for eliciting such reactions out of him. "I understand what you mean." She said. "A-actually, that was…sort of what I wanted to talk to you about."

Liu Shan nodded, eyes downcast. "I see. I guess I owe you an apology."

"For what?"

His eyes flitted around the room warily. "For taking advantage of your trust and your kindness. I shouldn't have pushed myself onto you. I was desperate and lonely. It was utterly foolish of me."

Xingcai's hands retreated from Liu Shan's collar, returning to her side. "Liu Shan, you don't have to apologise. I was the one who overreacted. I was the one who got scared."

"Still, you wouldn't be scared if I—"

"I probably would have been scared anyway." She tucked a band of hair behind her ear. "I…I still am, if I am being honest."

"Are you scared of me?"

Xingcai paused to consider it before shaking her head. "No. I'm not scared of you, my lord. I'm scared of being in love."

It was probably a conversation best left for a more private setting but she couldn't bring herself to care enough. They had to talk about this now. If she had the opportunity to talk to him privately, she had a different subject in mind, a better subject than relieving the mistakes of yesterdays past.

A servant passed by with a platter of snacks and Liu Shan gingerly picked one up. He did not eat it immediately. He played with it with his fingers, let it roll and roll and roll in his palm before he finally popped it in his mouth. He chewed slowly. Xingcai watched his lips with interest as he wiped a few crumbs off with the back of his hand.

"So how long have you been scared? Do you know why?"

"I think I was always afraid somehow. I've seen how it changed my mother, made her irrational despite her better judgment. Maybe I was afraid I would end up like her or, worse still, like my father. As for how long, I…I don't know."

 _Probably for as long as I have denied my feelings for you_ , Xingcai morosely thought.

"I wish I could tell you love is not scary but that would be a lie." Liu Shan said. "Love is frightening in that it is unpredictable. You never know whom it is you fall for, or how you would behave. Love is terrifying in that it is irrational and immaterial. It brings out the worst in people just as often as it brings out the best."

"I know." Xingcai said. "But...I'm not scared anymore. O-or rather, perhaps it's more accurate to say I…I won't let that fear overcome me."

"What do you mean?"

Xingcai stared into Liu Shan's eyes, hoping he would get the message. For a few seconds they gazed into each other's eyes unblinkingly, taking in every detail, every flicker of emotion that crept up into the surface. She willed her barriers to come down for this precious moment, hoped Liu Shan could see what lied in her heart so what she had to say next would be easier.

His eyes glanced down to her hands where they hovered beside her hips, tantalizing, mesmerising. Slowly, Xingcai raised her hand to him. Liu Shan took her hand tenderly and leaned down and gave the briefest of kisses to the back of her hand. Once he was upright once more, his hand still held on to hers. His face was solemn throughout but his touch said all. It was gentle but heartfelt. Just as last night's kiss was.

Xingcai bit down lightly on her lip. "Liu Shan?"

"Yes?"

"Can we talk?" _Privately_ was left unsaid.

He moved his mouth to say something but then his eyes widened and his hands move away from her. Foreign hands suddenly place themselves gently on Xingcai's shoulders from behind her and the illusion broke. It was not just the two of them alone together, Xingcai slowly realized. A man's lips smile gently, breathing heavily close to her ear.

"I finally found you, Xingcai." Guan Ping chuckled warmly.

Xingcai spun to meet Guan Ping. "G-Guan Ping? I—"

"D-did I sneak up on you just now? S-sorry. I didn't mean to." Guan Ping dropped his hands down to his side. "I-I just wanted to see you before the whole, well…betrothal thing. Perhaps privately?" He grinned sheepishly.

Xingcai frowned. "I know you wish to talk to me but I have something I need to discuss with Liu Shan first. Will you be able to wait?"

"Oh…" Guan Ping rocked on the balls of his heels. "I guess I can see you later."

Without warning, Liu Shan had stepped in between, acting as a barrier between Guan Ping and Xingcai. His placid smile was back. "Wait, Guan Ping, there is no need for you to leave just yet. I'll let you two talk, don't mind me." He turned to Xingcai. "I'm sure whatever you need to talk to me about isn't important."

"Actually, it is very important! Incredibly important, my lord." Xingcai abhorred lying but it seemed the only way to convince him. Did Liu Shan not understand why she wanted to speak with him alone? "T-this is an urgent matter. It is a message for you alone."

With Guan Ping behind him, the general was unable to see the small frown Liu Shan made. _I'm sorry_ he mouthed.

"No…"

"I shall let you two be together." Liu Shan said.

"My lord…" Xingcai tried to grab Liu Shan's shoulder but he brushed her hand away.

"Enjoy the life you have ahead of you. I wish you all the best in your future together." He said unenthusiastically. He approached Xingcai and with the smallest of movements he lightly squeezed her shoulder before walking away.

Xingcai couldn't help but watch him as he crossed the ballroom effortlessly and began to chat to a small group of women—sisters, she imagined, from the similar makeup and their proximity to each other. He said something and they giggled coquettishly at his remarks. She took a sharp breath in. It was so easy for him to just ignore his problems and pretend nothing was wrong, so easy to melt into that smile. It still warmed her heart to see him and that just made the pain in her chest hurt more. Was this the damage she had done by running away from him? Was this all they will amount to be? Friends? Nothing more?

"Xingcai."

In a daze, Xingcai turned back to Guan Ping. He looked at her not with the happy giddiness of before but with a darker expression. His eyebrows were knitted together and she could swear in his eyes there was the faintest glimmer of pity. She shook her head to clear her thoughts. "What is it?"

"What did you want to talk to Lord Liu Shan about?"

Xingcai stared crestfallen at her feet. "Nothing that important actually. I just said it was important because I thought that might get him to listen."

Guan Ping nodded, frowning ever so slightly. "He usually listens to you."

"I know."

"You never told me what happened between the two of you. No details or anything."

Her eyes flickered between the groups of people beside them. Her voice went quiet. "Guan Ping, this is hardly the proper place or time for this conversation."

"What happened, Xingcai?" Guan Ping said. "Why do you look at him like that, with those eyes full of longing? Why don't you look at me with those eyes?"

"Are you…jealous?"

"I…" Guan Ping grumbled to himself. Whatever retort he had died on his lips. "…maybe." He quietly admitted.

"Don't be." Xingcai placed a hand on Guan Ping's shoulder. "You are strong, and you are brave, and you are nothing like Lord Liu Shan. There is no need to be jealous. Besides," she smiled, "you have me, do you not?"

It should have made a little smile pop up on Guan Ping's face. She expected him to tell her it was just the heat of the moment, she knew Guan Ping was not a jealous man by nature. Instead, however, he merely frowned at Xingcai, unsatisfied with her words. When he said nothing, Xingcai let out a small sigh and watched the revelers before her.

Xingcai did not know how long she had been watching everybody. However later into the afternoon it was, a man she did not recognise approached her and asked for a dance. She looked at Guan Ping. He turned his head away, trying to hide the shameful blush creeping up his face. Xingcai barely had a moment to utter a reply before she was whisked away into a dance, trying to follow the man's lead as he led her through a series of unfamiliar dance steps. Other men took turns afterward and tried to dance with her, one after another after another, and time passed by, accompanied by the endless music. Xingcai had just pardoned the men with a break to have a drink and proceeded to down two brass cups of wine in quick succession when the music stopped once more. The chatter quieted and then Lady Xiahou's voice called out to the crowd.

"Um, excuse me. May I have your attention?"

Xingcai peeked outside through the windows and saw it was already sunset. Her stomach lurched in dread of what she knew would soon be said.

"T-thank you." Lady Xiahou smiled graciously. "I am most humbled for everybody here. Now, my daughter, if you could come to me?"

Xingcai placed the two cups down as all eyes set on her. She gulped nervously as she walked towards her mother. Lady Xiahou beamed as she took Xingcai's hand, giving a small comforting squeeze. Xingcai's heartbeat thudded in her ears.

"It has been a long journey for my daughter growing into a woman but I could not be more proud of her. I realize she will merely be engaged today but I already feel sad, knowing my darling daughter shall be married into another family soon. Zhang Xingcai, you are my precious daughter. No matter what decisions you make, what you may do, I shall always be here for you."

Xingcai smiled painfully at her mother. It was too late to cancel the betrothal now. She thought she had more time, had one more chance to talk to Liu Shan properly instead of running away and she blew it.

Lady Xiahou gave a fleeting, gentle smile at Xingcai before turning back to her audience. "Now it has been a long and difficult decision but I have finally decided on a suitor worthy of my daughter. Will you, dear sir, come forward?"

There was little movement except for the awkward shuffle of people's feet and the whipping motions of heads. More than a few seconds passed and not a voice called out. Xingcai searched through the crowds but she could not find Guan Ping. _Where was he?_

Her answer came shortly as Guan Yinping's sudden cry cuts the silence. "My brother is missing!"

It was then that people finally let out the concerns of their mind, frantic but quiet whispers drifting through the room. Xingcai heard only a few of them, that they last saw him at the buffet table, that he looked upset. He must have slipped out long before the announcement but surely he of all people knew when the announcement would be made. They had rehearsed this. Guan Ping should be here by now. Xingcai's breathing quickened.

When the guests had checked the immediate vicinity surrounding the ballroom and did not find Guan Ping, only then did the guards act, a few of them going out in small search groups to find him. It did not take long before Guan Ping's integrity of character came into question. Guan Ping's crush on Xingcai had seemed obvious to many people and the fact he wasn't here seemed evidence that he was not a man to be trusted. Xingcai couldn't help but reprimand herself for not seeing the signs earlier. Hearing the discussions around her, it seemed so obvious that Guan Ping loved her. She really was clueless when it came to love.

Amidst the growing chatter, Jiang Wei waved at Xingcai, beckoning her to follow him. She nodded, and Jiang Wei led them to a quiet corner of the room. He glanced furtively at the crowd, his voice nary but a whisper. "I-I cannot find Lord Liu Shan either."

"W-what?!"

"Sssh, do not bring anymore unnecessary panic. As soon as I figured out, I sent a few search parties of my own to find him."

"Not again." Xingcai grumbled. "I shall find him then."

She was about to walk towards the entrance when Jiang Wei grabbed her by the arm. "W-wait, Xingcai, you cannot go, this is your party."

Xingcai violently shook his grasp off her arm. "The safety of my lord is far more important than my presence at a party."

Jiang Wei stood in front of her, as if to block her path. "I know, Xingcai, but perhaps this one time you can let the guards find him."

"I took an oath that those under my care shall be protected. My duty above all is to this kingdom and to my lord. My…" She stared at the ground, fists balled up at her sides. "…my duty is to lord Liu Shan. And I shall not fail him again."

Jiang Wei nodded grimly. His gaze turned once more to the crowd. "You do not need to find him. He told me himself he wanted to get some fresh air." He glanced at Xingcai momentarily before turning his attention back to the crowd. "I've never seen him like that before. He looked like he was about ready to explode."

Xingcai nodded stiffly. She had done it. She pushed Liu Shan past the point of no return. They pushed each other away and only cause more pain. No more. "I'm going to go find him."

"Xingcai, I told you, your place as a lady is to stay here. I'm sorry, but I do not recommend you go looking for him yourself."

"But you said he's upset." Xingcai gave a bittersweet smile. "I can make him happy again."

Jiang Wei paused in thought. "…do you really think so?"

"I know I can. However fleeting that happiness may be."

Jiang Wei sighed in defeat. "Then I suppose I cannot stop you." He stepped aside, allowing Xingcai quietly walked out of the ballroom. She had an idea where Liu Shan was. And if there was any moment to properly confront him, now might be the only chance she had left.

* * *

In the royal training grounds stood a lone man. In his hands was a rapier. In front of him was a lone training dummy. In his heart was a bitter rage that could not be quelled. And so he desperately tried to lash out, cutting down the straw dummy with unparalleled precision and raw power. He choked back sobs as he attacked, movements angry but controlled, not stopping even when the dummy was on the last limbs of its short-lived life. He looked into the dummy and a swell of emotion overcame him and he chucked the rapier away from him and proceeded to finish the dummy bare-handed, punching and kicking until the dummy laid crumbled in a broken mess beneath his feet.

Xingcai stared in amazement at this strange man before her. By all accounts it looked and sounded like Liu Shan but those movements, that strength, it was of an entity much different from the man she knew. For the longest time, Xingcai had suspected her lord was far more capable than he gave himself credit for and now she could see it right in front of her. His technique was never better. His movement was fluid and his attacks were strong. But with it came something else, a deeper element of him, long repressed. An endless sadness sprung from the depths of his soul, threatening to destroy, wanting to destroy. The side he did not want her to see. The so-called darkness.

Xingcai watched from behind one of the palace's many stone columns, hoping the column would provide her with enough cover to watch. Guan Ping silently appeared from one of the main entrances, having too seen Liu Shan and his private outburst. Guan Ping slowly approached Liu Shan, his face impassive. "My lord, there you are."

Liu Shan spun around. He tried to fake a smile but not even he could bounce back from the anger and sorrow he must have felt. "G-Guan Ping, what a surprise."

"What are you doing back here? Shouldn't you be back at the party?" Guan Ping gestured at the dummy. "What were you doing?"

"Oh, I just wanted a bit of fresh air." Liu Shan lied.

"Hmm. And the sword?"

Liu Shan's smile tightened. "OK, you caught me. Sometimes I like to train by myself a little bit. When I feel like it, I go practice with a training dummy until I feel a bit sore. I know I shouldn't sneak off but I can't help it, I just felt like it."

"Lord Liu Shan—"

"Of course, you wouldn't tell Xingcai or Jiang Wei about this, right? Xingcai must be expecting you back at the party. You should probably head back, I'll be fine by myself."

"Lord Liu Shan!" Guan Ping growled. "I saw, OK? You are not alright at all and I am not leaving until you tell me why."

Liu Shan's smile fell. For a moment he was tight-lipped, conflicted on whether he should admit his sadness. When he did speak, his voice crackled under the force of his long repressed feelings.

"I thought I would be fine." Liu Shan said. "I never ever expected Xingcai to reciprocate my feelings so I had just…prepared for the worst. For years I had thought up of the best ways to make the inevitable rejection easier, not just for me but for her as well. And yet I had indulged myself in her attention, was foolish enough to think I stood a chance at winning her affections. I had every right to expect this and I thought I would be fine but..." Liu Shan sighed mournfully. "I was so foolish to believe I had a chance."

Xingcai wanted to jump out and confront Liu Shan on his self-deprecation. She wanted to rebuke him and hug him and kiss him until he told her that he was not a fool. She wanted to tell him her feelings, how she felt that same desperation in the face of what seemed like such impossible odds. There was some peace of mind, having finally confirmed that Liu Shan did indeed love her but Xingcai did not make a move to approach him. She will confront both men soon. Right now, this was their conversation. Their catharsis.

Guan Ping slowly approached Liu Shan, standing stiffly. Like Xingcai, emotions were not his strong suit. "I'm still surprised Xingcai chose me to be honest. I might have been her closest friend but the relationship you two had was…I don't think I can describe it. Everybody saw how she looked at you. Everybody thought she would end up with you."

"That can't be true..." Liu Shan mumbled weakly.

"Oh, it's true alright. I'm reminded about it all the time wherever I go. Whether you are around or not, she always talks about you. Whenever she sees you she smiles with those eyes all alight with the stars of the sky. When she is with me she is guarded but with you, she's _free_." Guan Ping crossed his arms. "I never had a chance. Never did."

Liu Shan seemed surprised, as if confronted with a truth he had been ignoring for the longest time. But he quickly attempted to compose himself. It was clear he would never regain the soft smile from before. His sadness overwhelmed those fake smiles of his. "It doesn't matter if I had a chance or not. The fact remains that she chose you. I had my chance, gave it my all too, and she rejected me."

"Did she tell you she didn't love you?"

Liu Shan shook his head. "She did not tell me but she did not need to. I know what the answer is already. I'm not worthy of her."

"Are you sure about that?"

Liu Shan gave a baffled scoff. "Of course I'm sure. Look at me. Look at you. You have won her over fair and square. With no tricks at all, just your kindness and your presence, you have managed to get engaged to her. You've achieved what you thought impossible. You have won. And I'm…" Liu Shan grimaced. "…I'm so weak compared to the both of you. Why else would I be punching training dummies by myself instead of enjoying the party and getting drunk like a normal person?"

Xingcai watched as Liu Shan paced frantically. His knuckles were white as a hand went up to his hair and tugged painfully. She did not know Liu Shan felt this way. In hindsight it seemed so obvious and that only made the pain in her heart worse. She knew she could relieve that pain and tell him the words he so desperately wanted to hear but there would be heartache regardless. Why did she let her indecisiveness spiral into chaos? She was the fool, she wanted to tell Liu Shan. She was the weak one that was frightened of her own emotions.

"Do you really think you are weak, my lord?"

Liu Shan did not answer.

"Then let's prove it now." Guan Ping got into a fighting stance. "One on one duel. First one to land a clean hit wins."

Liu Shan eyes widened, frantically waving for Guan Ping to stand down. "W-what are you talking about? No! I will not fight you, Guan Ping."

"Why not?"

"This is wrong! I…I can't fight you. It's against my principles. It's against the virtues of benevolence, to fight someone all for the sake of a maiden's hand. And I don't want to harm you, Guan Ping. You are my friend."

Hesitantly, Guan Ping returned into a standing position. The two men stared awkwardly at each other.

"You think of me as your friend?" Guan Ping asked.

Liu Shan barely hid his sigh of relief. "A close one." He said. "There are few I trust more with my life. Which is why I think you deserve Xingcai's hand. Too much sadness and tragedy surrounds your life. Xingcai can bring you the happiness you deserve."

Guan Ping shook his head, smiling sadly to himself. "I can't. It's too late anyway. She's already in love with you."

"W-what?"

Guan Ping turned around and locked eyes with Xingcai. She was too slow to hide herself behind the column. Guan Ping knew, she slowly realised. He knew she had been watching. Out in the training grounds, behind the column, Xingcai could hear Guan Ping chuckle lightly. "Come on out, Xingcai."

Hand over her thumping chest, Xingcai tentatively peeked out of her hiding spot and entered the training grounds. Heat radiated off her cheeks. She wanted to apologise for peeping into their private conversation but she could not find the words and so she just stood there fidgeting with her hands. A hand went over Liu Shan's mouth as he stared at her with wide eyes. Between his fingers Xingcai could make out a blush on his cheeks.

Guan Ping approached Xingcai and gave a forced smile. It was more to convince himself than it was to convince Xingcai that he was fine. Xingcai knew this was a decision he made with a heavy heart. "I figured you would have found us eventually." He said. "How long have you been listening?"

"The…the whole time." Xingcai whispered bashfully.

Guan Ping tucked a strand of hair behind her hair and gave a tender kiss to her temple. His fingers slip into her hair with ease. He was memorizing every sensation. This would be the last time he could touch Xingcai like this. "You know, I must be quite stupid, letting you go so you could be with another man. But you'd probably be happier with him."

Xingcai gently put a hand to his cheek. Guan Ping's head leaned into her hand. "I do love you, Guan Ping. Not the way you want me to but it is love regardless." She smiled. "And honestly, I think you would have made a great husband. If I had fallen for you, perhaps this mess may never come to be. Things would have been so much simpler, so much easier. You deserve a simple, pure love."

He chuckled quietly. "I think you were always destined to be with Lord Liu Shan." He kissed Xingcai once more on the lips before he took a step back. "I'm going to head on back and tell everybody what's happened. I'll try and stall but I can't guarantee you will be alone for much longer. Try and get everything out of the way now."

"Guan Ping, I—"

He put a hand up to stop her. "Don't…say you're grateful. I'm doing this because I want you to be happy. No need to make this more painful than it has to be."

Xingcai nodded. She may know a lot about love but she was still a beginner when it came to handling breakups. She could only imagine how Guan Ping must have felt. To him, it must have been his biggest sacrifice. To Xingcai however he never looked so brave, never so handsome. She will be eternally grateful, not just to him but to all those who have silently guided her in her heart's journey.

"I will see you tomorrow for training then." Xingcai smiled.

Guan Ping grinned, his proud smile not meeting his eyes. "Maybe tomorrow I'll finally be able to beat you."

"I look forward to seeing it." Xingcai giggled.

Guan Ping gave one last smile over his shoulder as he walked back to the ballroom. Just like that, it was now two once more. Once Guan Ping had fully disappeared into the palace did she turn back to meet Liu Shan's gaze. Bathed in the golden light of the sunset, the emperor did not move. A flurry of emotions went across his face and it reminded Xingcai of ripples in water. Each emotion created ripples, coalescing into a wave of fear, surprise, and uncertainty. She exhaled slowly despite her racing pulse and began to approach Liu Shan. His hand lowered from his face, went down to grasp at his robes with a white knuckled grip.

"X-X-Xingcai. Y-You can't love me."

"Why?" She asked. She did not stop her slow advance towards him.

"B-Because I have lied to you. I have deceived you!" He floundered, eyes wide as he tried to find the words to say. "I-I-I gave you false impressions. I made you think I was strong and capable and smart but I'm not. I am weak and stupid and I do not deserve your kindness."

"Liu Shan, you are not a fool. You are strong." She spoke reassuringly. Xingcai was closing in.

"I-I'm not! I'm an idiot, a weakling, a hopeless fool, and I am hopelessly in love with you!" His body quivered from his impromptu confession. The grip on his robes loosened. "You might think this another one of my lies but it is the truth. It has been the truth for a long time, Xingcai."

Xingcai opened her mouth to say something but there were no words to describe how she was feeling. Despite her nervousness, there was also gleeful giddiness. How long had she longed to hear him say that to her? She could not fight the urge to break out into a shy smile.

Liu Shan stood stiffly, eyes downcast to the ground. Not even with Xingcai right in front of him did he move, not even when her hands glide up into his hair, her fingers dancing round silken, ebony locks did he move. Xingcai did not want to run away any longer. She couldn't. There was so much chaos and disorder when he wasn't around. She needed to be here, to ease both their minds and quell the darkness in their hearts.

"I knew you were strong, my lord. That was why I served you all this time, so I could bring out that man I thought lied beneath. But that man did not exist. No, there was someone else hidden behind that smile. Someone vulnerable but strong, who thinks with his head and feels with his heart." She placed a hand over his heart. It was warm. He was warm. "I found a different person behind that smile. He was nothing like I expected but…the more I saw glimpses of him, the more I wanted to see. I was captivated. I wanted to see that man so desperately I could not get him out of my head."

Liu Shan's breathing quickened. Xingcai leaned in closer and could feel his hot breath on her face. "H-how could you love me?" He whispered. "I kept that side repressed for a reason. No one would ever love the true me. No one would ever accept it."

"I do." She breathed. "I don't care what dark emotions you keep in there, I want to see them all. I want to see your true colours. I want to see _you_."

"N-no. This…this isn't right."

"Liu Shan. We've been pushing each other away for so long because we were too afraid to confront each other about our feelings. It will only lead to more sorrow if we ignore _this_ , what we share, what we feel. I don't want to hurt you anymore. I do not want to push you away so please, do not push me away. Let us finally be right."

There was but a flicker of hesitation before his hands slowly reached up to cup her face. His eyes dazzled in the sunlight, a flicker of warmth and light awakening behind teal irises. This was where she wanted to be, right here in his loving gaze, away from the world, just the two of them. In his presence, she could say the deepest truths. She could tell him just how much she loved him. And she knew that the same could be said for Liu Shan.

His eyes hovered just over her lips and a small smile began to blossom, awkward but handsome all the same. "I cannot believe how nervous I am right now. I've already kissed you once but this feels different. It feels scarier."

Xingcai smiled through half-lidded eyes. "You want to know a secret?"

Liu Shan leaned in so their foreheads were just touching. "I'm listening."

Her lips move to his hairline as if she was to whisper to his ear. Her hands wrapped around his neck, her eyes fluttered close and soon she had pressed her lips onto his. It was a chaste kiss, not even lasting a second before she retreated slightly, their foreheads still touching. The sensation on her lips fizzled and crackled so pleasantly. She wanted more. Oh, she wanted more of Liu Shan's lips.

Liu Shan's eyes fluttered open, remaining half-lidded. " _Xingcai.._." He mumbled in a hoarse moan.

" _I love you too, Liu Shan_ ," she whispered.

In one fell swoop Liu Shan captured her lips, and with it, her heart all over again. He kissed her with such fervor she swore she could see the stars when she closed her eyes. It was so much, so much emotion, so much power, and she was quick to surrender herself to him for he was merciful and kind. He smiled against her lips as his hands left her face to grab her waist, pulling her towards him slightly. With every little movement, there was electricity. Static shocks shook her hips as his fingers press firmly into the cloth-covered flesh. Electricity sparked as he moaned and gasped into her kiss, vibrations shaking her to the core.

When they finally separate, they stare into each other's eyes, hands still caressing the other. In one simple act, everything became clear. The tightness in her chest had dissipated. In his arms, everything felt _right_. All that could be heard was the sound of their heavy breathing. Somewhere in the kiss their breaths must have synchronized alongside their heartbeats. Liu Shan chuckled to himself suddenly. His laughter was bright and eager. In all her years of knowing Liu Shan, she had never seen him smile so happily. For the first time, he looked genuinely at peace.

"What are you laughing about, Liu Shan?" She said in between giggles of her own. His laughter was contagious.

"Nothing, honestly. It's just…that was… _wow_."

"W-what's 'wow'?"

"You." He smiled as he drew his lips close to her cheek, not kissing, just hovering above the skin. "You're so gorgeous and helpful and perfect, I'm…I don't know what I'm going to do with myself now that I have your heart."

Xingcai blushed. She could think of a few things involving him and his lips, hopefully in better privacy than the training grounds, but that could wait until later. "S-so what's going to happen to us? What will become of us?"

"I don't know. I was hoping you had an idea." His lips pulled away from her face. "But now that you are here, I…I do want to be with you. I do not care how, I just want to be with you. Does that…make sense?" Liu Shan smiled sheepishly.

Xingcai giggled. "It makes sense. I want to be with you too."

It felt like the possibilities were endless. So many futures, all with Liu Shan in them, they were all right there in front of her. Teasing her in the background were many potential futures in which she ran away from the marriage entirely and went off with Liu Shan somewhere far away from the war, running away from all the sadness and chaos and disorder that seemed to plague their lives. It was tempting, and a part of her wish that was a viable choice she could make but she knew she could never truly go through with it. She could not run away, not even from her responsibilities.

"Does your offer still stand?"

Liu Shan's brows rose. "The marriage one?"

"Yes. I'd like to…change my previous answer."

"You just got a confession out of my lips and now you want a proposal? You sure work fast, Xingcai."

"Y-you know what I mean." Xingcai huffed. Liu Shan chuckled once more and her blush deepened. "I know I refused earlier but that was when I thought you did not feel the same way as I did. It's different now. I'm different now."

"Are you sure about this, Xingcai?" Liu Shan squeezed her hips lightly. "I'm not just anyone, I am the emperor. If we were to marry, you would become empress. We will be together but our responsibilities will change. People will expect us to behave in certain ways. Soldiers will follow you around wherever you go. You say you love me but…" He sharply inhaled. "…do you honestly love me enough to stay by my side for life?"

In a heartbeat she would have said yes. She could not see a future where she was not by his side. Whether as friends, lovers, husband and wife, an emperor and his bodyguard, she wanted to be with him. But she could understand Liu Shan's concerns. The prospect of marriage was frightening enough, and becoming empress on top of it would be even more terrifying. All the ceremonies and appearances she must make, pretending to be a suitable lady for her emperor. But she knew more than anything that it was Liu Shan trying to fish out an excuse for her not to love him. An excuse for him to pretend her words and kisses were but a dream he concocted in a state of delusion.

"I do not honestly know if I love you enough to marry you." Xingcai squeezed his shoulders gently. "But that does not mean I do not want to marry you. Out of all the men that vied for my affections, I could not imagine myself being with anyone but you. Maybe now I do not know if I will marry you in the end but I will soon enough. Until then, I want to be by your side. This isn't me stalling for a few more seconds, this is me placing myself in your care. I trust you."

"So you trust me enough to care for you?" He chuckled lightly, barely hiding his relief. "You trust this fool of an emperor with your life?"

"You are no fool, Liu Shan. So long as I am by your side, I will convince you that you are not a fool."

"Then perhaps I better listen to you more often." Liu Shan chuckled as he leaned in to give another slow, tender kiss to her lips. Her fingers trace patterns into the base of his scalp, her throat rumbling his name through the kiss. The pain of not being together, it had melted away. The uncertainty, it was gone. Now that she knew she held his heart in her hands, felt it thump as one of his hands roamed to the small of her back and leaned her backwards just slightly, she would treasure it. Her head tilted to the side and he did likewise and they kiss as though it was their lifeline. No words could explain their feelings like this moment did, rare and fleeting and electrifying all the same. All she needed was that carefree smile on his lips he only showed to her and those bliss filled eyes that looked at her as though she was the only person who mattered.

It was so much harder to separate. She felt she could go on and on and judging by Liu Shan's pout he felt the same way but it was an inevitable conclusion, a soft, gentle finish to their lips' ardent journey. She moved her face away ever so slightly and Liu Shan took the hint and pulled her back upright. In her dazed, freshly kissed state, she was mildly aware of Liu Shan taking her hands in his.

"We should go back to the ballroom." He said. "If we're really doing what I think we're doing, we have some explaining to do."

Xingcai pouted. "Can we just…stay here a bit longer?"

"Oh, I wish, Xingcai. Given the opportunity I would kiss you until morning light." His hands rubbed circles on her palm as he candidly imagined what might happen in such a scenario. "But that will have to be another time. Hopefully in the near future."

"That would be nice." Xingcai sighed dreamily, wondering what Liu Shan might do once there was no threat of being caught. It thrilled her far more than she thought appropriate, even if all that was likely to come out of it was more kissing. "I suppose we have to announce to everybody we're getting married."

"I agree." Liu Shan said. "Should you tell them or should I?"

"I think I should be the one to announce it. If you say it, it might sound as though we've been planning this for a while. I'd rather people think I asked you now at the party."

"You heard Guan Ping though, everybody seems to think we'd end up together anyway."

"Except us, apparently." Xingcai said. Not that she minded. They were right. Seeing now the affection seeping into his voice, how could she have though he was anything but in love with her?

Liu Shan smirked, squeezing her hands. "Shall we get going, my lady?"

Xingcai nodded. "Let's go."

As the sun began to set, Liu Shan and Xingcai had arrived back at the ballroom. All eyes turned to them, roaming down the small polite smiles on their faces to their intertwined hands. The guests understood slowly, a wave of epiphany striking one by one. Then there were cheers, jubilant and warm against the soft calm of the crowd and almost certainly of a female origin and the couple blushed. The guests crowded them, asking any and every question imaginable, already having the preconceived notion that the emperor and his bodyguard had been courting for a while. Liu Shan claimed in all honesty that their courtship had been very brief. In the crowd, Xingcai could just barely make out Guan Yinping gossip to Bao Sanniang.

"So you are to be married to lord Liu Shan?" One person asked.

Xingcai glanced at Liu Shan, eyes scintillating, pure happiness and amazement hidden behind a well-practiced smile. She knew the feeling. She suspected she had that same twinkle in her eyes. "For now, we are to be betrothed. The marriage date has yet to be decided."

"Does this mean Lady Zhang shall be empress upon marriage?" Another said.

"I do not rightfully know yet. Very few details have been put in place. I just know that there is no other woman I can imagine being by my side apart from her."

If Xingcai was being honest, this was all a lot for her to take in. Now she was betrothed, committed to be with a man. Now Liu Shan was holding her hand in public, for the first time at peace. No more worries about what the other was thinking or feeling, all she needed to do was to look into his eyes and everything became clear. A different type of nerves had overtaken her, a good kind of nervousness she told herself. From this moment onward, she must prove herself worthy not just of being Liu Shan's wife but also as a potential empress of Shu.

 _Empress_ …not too long ago her sister held that title and now it was in her grasp. It was strange, looking back. She never really cared all that much for titles and status and now she had it all. She still did not care if she was being honest. Her priorities had always been to find a man she thought she could love. Underneath the robes and finery, there was a man within the emperor that she was attracted, a man who was capable of many things, a man she was willing to support all her life. With time and patience they had evolved into perfect pieces, ready to complete each other, but she knew her journey was not done quite yet. There was etiquettes to be learned, ceremonies that must be proceeded with, tailored appearances made for the public eye. They all awaited her in her future. Now she must help carry the burden Liu Shan carried.

Sensing her tension, Liu Shan's hand squeezed hers lightly. After a moment to process what occurred, Xingcai squeezed back. Her smile grew ever so fractionally, too miniscule a chance for anyone but the man by her side to notice. _I should not worry_ , she thought to herself. _With my lord by my side, I think I can do anything._

As the party went on and the guests continued to interview the couple, their intertwined hands never left. A lone meteor streaked the night sky, a rainbow trail against the stars sprinkled across the black expanse. For the few who caught a glimpse, it was a sign. The meteor couple truly was meant to be.


	19. A moment of peace

_And with this chapter, this story comes to a close. It's been a wonderful, wonderful time writing this. And I wish I had more to say but I think I've covered almost everything in the last chapter. Liu Shan x Xingcai has always been a ship close to my heart for reasons I still can't quite understand myself so to see their story end? It's bittersweet. Bitter in the fact that it ends but sweet that they got the happy ending they deserved...even if it doesn't quite STAY a happy ending (cursed Jin conquering Shu and all). My writing style has definitely evolved as time went on and I apologise to my readers for the lack of consistency on that end. If there was one regret it was that I really want to rewrite the start to make it better but I can't be stuffed to be honest. Some things should not be tampered with. Everybody has their humble beginnings and I suppose this one is mine. And either way, it's a good reminder for future me looking backwards about how far I've come.  
_

_I have in mind a couple of oneshots for the DW series, maybe a smaller 'after the ending' series of stories about Liu Shan and Xingcai's life through betrothal to marriage and beyond. Another story that I have been toying with is a modern AU! Liu Shan x Xingcai story that is DEFINITELY R18+ rated. Very steamy and very tempting. However, if I am being honest, I think my next big piece will be in a completely different fandom. And when I say completely different, I mean I am contemplating a fanfiction for either a kid's TV show or a japanese novella series. The former is what's capturing my interest at the moment._

_Still, I am a devoted DW fan at heart and I really would love to hear from guys about how my story. You can message me, leave a comment, whatever. It's not the most epic of epic endings but I think it suits the story in the ending. A nice, quiet read after the chaos has come and gone._

_I don't own DW, I don't own KoeiTecmo, and I don't own the characters below. All I own is a copy of the game they're in._

Epilogue: A moment of peace

In the middle of the day, Liu Shan and Xingcai sat side by side on a sofa in his living room. His hand had been wrapped around Xingcai's shoulders for the past half hour, his leg propping up a scroll that he scanned curiously, held atop his knee by his other hand. Liu Shan glanced over at Xingcai who busied herself with an excessively long sip of her tea, hoping the steam will hide her blush. Xingcai had been trying to decipher what the scroll was trying to say to little avail. Complicated words often went over her head in conversation, and to see so many of them in writing was probably making her head spin but Liu Shan couldn't deny that the small pout she made when she was mildly frustrated was utterly adorable. Not that he will admit it out loud just yet. Even with a heartfelt declaration of love from both parties, it was still too early in the relationship to admit such things openly. Liu Shan settled instead for a small smile returned to Xingcai, one that she barely caught from the corner of her eye. Xingcai took another long, loud sip.

There was little noise but the chirping of birds outside the window and the rustle of the warm afternoon breeze. Outside his door, Liu Shan was certain his guards were gossiping about what they were doing within. He had asked for absolute privacy and the 'royal couple' as people so often called them was becoming a popular topic of conversation. He was expecting a new batch of rumours tomorrow about his supposedly _indecent_ treatment of Xingcai but he did not care. Let the people think what they want, just as long as it did not interrupt his alone time with Xingcai.

Liu Shan glanced back at Xingcai again, who hurriedly shook her head away from the scroll in his lap. He waggled his eyebrows. "Like what you see?"

He was swiftly met with a gentle push from Xingcai's soft hands, the distance between them not widening a centimeter. "D-don't be so crude." She blushed.

"I'm sorry, I could not help it." Liu Shan laughed, lifting the scroll higher so she could see. "Want me to read it to you?"

Xingcai shook her head. "A summary will be fine. If you've read it all, that is."

"Oh, I've read it all already. Three times in fact. I was just watching you trying to take a peek at the scroll and try to decipher it."

"Seriously?" She sighed but there was no annoyance in her voice. Xingcai leaned towards him to get a closer look at the scroll before sitting upright once more. "I really don't see how anyone could call you a fool. This scroll alone is proof."

"Well no one has ever really seen me reading or studying apart from Zhuge Liang. You've heard the rumours. I get 'tired' when I exert myself."

Xingcai's brows knitted together in confusion. "I thought that was true."

"Oh, it is, don't get me wrong. I really don't have that great stamina." Seeing Xingcai let down her guard more, Liu Shan smirked mischievously. "Of course, for you, I might be able to muster the stamina to go all night."

Xingcai pushed him harder and Liu Shan couldn't help but laugh. Oh, it was so easy to get Xingcai flustered. "Really, Liu Shan?" She rolled her eyes when Liu Shan did not stop laughing. "You know, when I agreed to see your true colours, I never expected it to be like _this_." She gestured at him.

Truth be told, he didn't expect he'd behave entirely like this. It had been a while since he had been himself around somebody who wasn't family. It could also be that Xingcai's presence was bringing out a new side to him. At the moment, it was hard to say which was the true cause. He suspected it was a mixture of both.

"…Is it bad?" Liu Shan asked, a little bit self-conscious of his new behaviour.

Xingcai lied her head down on his shoulder. "Not really. Just different. I'm sure I am acting different as well."

Now that she mentioned it, she was far more affectionate than before, and considering what he had been ignoring, that was not an easy feat to make by any means. Recently, Xingcai spoke without a filter around his presence, saying whatever came into her mind if she felt it might be of the most remote interest to him. Not that she spoke any more than she used to before, she still preferred her actions to speak for herself. Her hands did most of her talking, and those lithe fingers of her said plenty of her affection. Fingers intertwined when they're alone, her hands over his in comfort, a small pat on the shoulder, those were just a few of the ways she expressed herself to him.

Liu Shan gazed down at her lap where her right hand lied, twitching ever so slightly, wanting to move but forced down against its will. It was so strange that this was the hand of a warrior, he thought as he stared at its pale, beautiful complexion. Her hands were always so incredibly soft. With a playful chuckle, Liu Shan gave Xingcai one end of the scroll, making sure his fingers briefly glide over the surface of her palm.

In the corner of his eye, Xingcai smiled indulgently as she firmly grasped the scroll. "You said you would read to me?"

Liu Shan turned his head to peruse the scroll before him. "This is Jiang Wei's handwriting. He never signs his scrolls but you can always tell by the small ink splatter patterns on certain characters." He pointed to the character for 'soldier' as an example. "Unfortunately for me, Jiang Wei has quite a large vocabulary in terms of writing, and prefers using a lot of obtuse language—I assumed he picked this up from Zhuge Liang. This is supposed to be a simple report on the troops and their status."

Xingcai hummed in acknowledgement, hot air breathing down Liu Shan's neck. "So what is their status?"

He ignored the ticklish feeling on his neck. "The simple story is that the soldiers need more time training. Jiang Wei wants them ready for the Northern campaign sooner rather than later but they wish not to be rushed in their preparations. He's rather eager to prove himself to Zhuge Liang and Shu."

"If the soldiers need more training, I can train them myself. I might be able to get my brother and Guan Ping to help as well."

"Zhao Yun has already volunteered to train the soldiers and has been appointed as head instructor. If you wish to help, I will not stop you, but perhaps it might be beneficial to follow his teaching methods."

Xingcai lifted her head off Liu Shan and stared at him. "What's wrong with how I train?"

"N-nothing." Liu Shan said quickly. "It might be harder on you if you are teaching the new troops since they don't have much prior experience. Perhaps you will be better suited to the veteran soldiers."

Xingcai huffed knowingly. "I'm not a drill instructor, I know when people have reached their limit."

Liu Shan raised his brows. "It did not stop you when you were teaching me."

"That's because I know better than anyone what _your_ limits are." She looked up to him as her fingers trace lightly over his upper arm. "Better than you do yourself, I believe."

Liu Shan smiled softly. For someone who claimed knew little about romance, she sure knew how to charm him. "I know. You always had my best interest at heart." Every day now, Xingcai made a point to remind him of his strength, some instances more blatant than others. He supposed she thought it was serious enough of an issue for her to remind him every day that he was capable, that he was smart regardless of what everybody said. It was nice to have one supportive voice to help drown out the chorus of voices that judged him for the slightest offence.

As he thought about her undying support, he realised he had never really complimented Xingcai all that much. Not as sincerely as she did, that is. He had said it all the time, back when he played the part of the fool against Xingcai but now that he was free to say what he truly felt, even with the confession out of the way, nothing came out of his mouth. It was not for lack of trying for there were hundreds and hundreds of virtues he could extol about her. How could you describe perfection? How could you describe such an indescribable beauty?

Liu Shan glanced back at Xingcai. In the interim of his thoughts, she seemed to have been staring intently at him and now that she was caught, her face was flushed scarlet. He chuckled quietly, leaning forward so their foreheads just barely touched. Maybe he had a word to describe such a beauty. His hand moved away from her shoulder to rest on her cheek. "You are cute, Xingcai."

Xingcai smiled bashfully. Her attempts to avoid his gaze had all been for naught. Once the tether connected, neither of them were letting go. "Liu Shan…"

"I truly mean it. You really are cute. There is no other word that better describes you."

"N-no, cute is a woman like Yinping." Her hand brushed a strand of hair behind his ear. "Cute is a petite body and a warm personality and a friendly smile. That's not me."

"I beg to differ." He whispered. "Cute is not a state of physique but a state of mind, a state of being. That is you."

"So I am cute now?" Her hand crept higher and higher up, fingers dancing along his scalp. A mischievous smile slowly appeared. "Well, now that I have been enlightened, perhaps you can tell me what you are going to do with that information."

"Oh, it would be far too long to tell you." He vibrated, impatient from the excitement. "How about I _show you_?"

Xingcai scoffed with humour—it was a cheesy line, he'll give her that—but she gave no indication that she was refusing his advance. He turned to kiss her just as her other arm slung around his head and slowly he sunk into her smile. Liu Shan was faintly aware of a pressure releasing from the top of his head but he was too caught up in the kiss to care. It had been almost a week without her lips and now that he had her once more he couldn't imagine how he had survived so long. All that time spent in each other's presence, without the opportunity to be themselves, to give in to one another, it was a maddening wait. Now, they were truly alone and he could finally enjoy this, enjoy each other. Together.

The kiss broke apart and ebony locks cascade down his head. He raised a hand to tuck the hair behind his ears. Her hands were now playing idly with the black strands framing his face.

Liu Shan raised one eyebrow, smirking. "I know there is this trend that my hair is down in front of you but I did not think you would initiate it again. Do you like hair that much?"

"Only with you. You look good with your hair down. Rather…" She bit her lip, unsure how to end the sentence.

"Sexy?" He waggled his eyebrows.

Xingcai rolled her eyes, unable to suppress her smile. "I was going to say 'handsome' but if that's what you want to think then by all means."

"Are you suggesting I am not sexy at all? I am hurt, my lady." He grinned. "Come on, I will not judge. If you think I am sexy then you can tell me." He knew the chances of Xingcai calling him sexy were practically zero but there was still a chance, however slim it may be. He sidled himself closer to Xingcai so their hips touched.

"Liu Shan..."

" _I'll call you sexy if you call me sexy_." He inhaled the faint scent of her shampoo. He was shameless in her presence.

"Liu Shan." Xingcai repeated firmly.

He leaned forward, so that his lips were just mere centimetres from hers. An incline of her head and her lips would be upon his once more. "Yes?" He smirked.

"Just kiss me already." She said in equal parts impatience and need.

"With pleasure."

For the next half hour, Liu Shan was lost in Xingcai, kissing and caressing and feeling, not just with their lips and their fingers but also with their hearts. As the kiss prolonged itself, Liu Shan became a bit more experimental, moving his hands to her shoulders or to her hair, eagerly seeking out those areas she liked to be touched. He was slow and careful with his movements and Xingcai eventually got an idea of what he was attempting to do and with her own hands he guided her. That soft spot on her shoulders that made her squeal before, the small of her back, a small nip at the base of her neck, all those places had opened up to him. She was his world, and he was going to explore it, bit by bit.

When they broke apart once more, they were breathless. Xingcai sighed happily, not yet out of the daze of the kiss. In that moment, Liu Shan marveled at her. Her cheeks were red and her lipstick was smudged and her hair was a mess but she was still beautiful. It was that smile, sweet and completely at ease that complimented her beautifully. He couldn't help but imitate her smile. There was no more tension, no more anxieties or fears outside of the nervousness of a new relationship. For the first time he considered that perhaps Xingcai too wore her own mask, that all people wore masks of some kind. For him, the difference between the mask and the real person differed between person to person. For a person like Xingcai, the difference was as subtle as the hunch of her shoulders and the tug of her lips. Without the mask, without the worries of life that plagued her, she shone like the brightest star in the sky.

He moved his hands up to smooth out her slightly messy hair. All of a sudden she burst out into a small fit of nervous giggles. "I-I can't believe we're engaged." She looked up to Liu Shan in amazement. "We're…engaged."

Liu Shan smiled quietly. "We are, aren't we." It was a statement, not a question. A fact he wanted to confirm with his own lips.

"It's…I mean, I've never been engaged before." She swept a shaky hand through her hair. "I…I've never even dated. I know you did this because that's the only choice we had to be together but I—"

Liu Shan placed a finger gently on her lips. "We're engaged in name only. If you prefer, just pretend that we are dating. If you really do want to marry me, that's great, but if later on you think I really am not suited for you then I can cancel the engagement easily."

Try as she could, she could not hide her relief from him. It was another freedom he had granted her, another luxury. Unlike the other women he had granted luxuries to however, Xingcai would certainly treasure it. Considering everything she had been through, all the heartache she faced, she deserved some luxury.

"Why was I so scared of confessing to you?"

"Because I am the emperor? Because I have a completely false reputation of treating women horrendously? Because you love me?"

"Are these your reasons for being so scared yourself?" Xingcai smiled knowingly.

He hated and loved how quickly she had him figured out. Before he was an enigma, a scroll filled with obscure terminology and hidden meanings in a language completely foreign to anyone and now that she cracked the code, he was simple words with equally simple meanings. "Maybe." He mumbled. Xingcai was well versed enough to read between his lines.

"You must have loved me for a long time."

"A very long time." Liu Shan said. "And you?"

"If we're talking about when I knew, only a few weeks ago." Her fingers laced themselves once more into his hair. She sat up slightly and moved her hips closer so that now she was sitting in Liu Shan's lap. "If we're talking about how long I actually loved you, probably also a long time."

Liu Shan chuckled. "We're quite hopeless." His hands loop around the small of her back.

"Very hopeless." She giggled.

He looked up to her and couldn't help but be dazzled by her intoxicating smile. The smile she made for him when it was just the two of them. "You know, dating won't be anything like courting. Maintaining relationships is nothing at all like acquiring one. All the knowledge you have acquired will not help you here."

She leaned forward to place a small kiss at his hairline. "I'm sensing there's a 'but' here?"

He stifled down an inappropriate joke. "I've never properly dated someone either. W-what I mean is that I've dated, sure, but I use that term loosely. It was certainly not normal." He inhaled sharply as Xingcai placed another kiss behind his ear. "I'm not all that experienced either."

"So I guess that means we're both inexperienced..."

He could feel the faintest quiver of her body, a new anxiety coursing through her body. It was easy to guess where its origins lied. He briefly turned his gaze away from her enrapturing eyes. "L-look, Xingcai, the jokes I made earlier were just jokes. I'm not planning on doing anything…seedy."

Xingcai huffed in embarrassment, her own blush coming through. It was just as easy to read her as she read him. "I-I…I mean, I do want to be with you but not like that. Not yet." Her blush darkened. "L-Look, maybe we should put some ground rules. Some conditions if we're going to be dating."

"I'm getting flashbacks to a month ago." Funny how such a short amount of time had passed and yet it felt so long ago. He felt so much different from that young man who lived in his own private world, wearing that same weary face.

She (wisely) chose to ignore his comment. "Firstly, I'd rather keep all the romance private. So far we have been doing fine keeping all this behind closed doors but I just wanted to confirm with you."

He rubbed circles with his thumb around the small of her back. "I'm not much of a fan of public displays of affection either. I can do that."

He could feel Xingcai's grip on his hair loosen and briefly, he wondered what would have happened had he said otherwise. "Secondly, I have the right to stop this relationship if I want to." Her eyes widened, too late to catch herself. "N-not that I think that will happen soon."

"Nice save, Xingcai." He chuckled.

"You know what I mean."

"I'm just teasing, I know." Liu Shan tilted his chin up to plant a kiss on her cheek. "This is all a bit new for me if I'm being honest. I haven't been in a relationship in so many years. I might be a bit awkward."

"Awkward is a bit of an understatement." Xingcai pouted to herself. "I understand what you feel. This is all a bit overwhelming for me as well. Being engaged seems like a lot of effort, especially if people expect me to be a potential empress."

"You're nervous? Talk to me tomorrow after the engagement talks. I have to go to your home and to your family and discuss about our future. I'm sure everybody would be on edge, especially once you had a man as honorable as Guan Ping as your fiancé mere days before."

"Please tell me you are not jealous."

Liu Shan blushed. "Not jealous. Just a bit anxious about what awaits me. Neither of your family seemed to have a high opinion of me." He didn't think he made the best impression on Zhang Bao the last few times they talked. It always happened to be when he was in the worst of moods.

"My mother is OK with you." Xingcai said. "And sure, my brother did not have much of an opinion of you before but recently he seems to hold you in some regard."

"Really?"

Xingcai nodded. "You made an impression on him the last time you two talked. I think he might even look up to you."

She moved her hands down and massaged his scalp lightly. His eyes fluttered shut as he automatically felt his shoulders relax. Through glazed eyes, he thought he saw a flicker of a grin.

"I didn't think you'd be nervous too." Xingcai said. "About tomorrow."

"Why wouldn't I be? I'm introducing myself to your family for the first time as your boyfriend, essentially. I'm expecting all sorts of embarrassing questions. Things like how far our relationship was before the proposal, what we did, whether the stars are in alignment, everything they think might be pertinent."

Xingcai couldn't help but chuckle slightly. "You shouldn't be nervous about that, we have nothing to hide. We haven't done anything that bad."

"Xingcai, we've slept side by side in the same room and bathed back to back. You were literally naked next to me no less than three times."

She bit her lip. "…Point taken."

He regretted his choice of examples. It only highlighted the fact that they weren't, for any intents and purposes, a normal couple. Normal couples don't pine for each other for well over a year before giving in after a tremendous amount of peer pressure. Normal couples don't skip dating to go straight to engagement. Normal couples weren't emperors and would-be empresses. Then again it wasn't inherently a bad thing, this abnormality. Xingcai wasn't a normal woman by any means. He himself was not a normal man either. If they were normal they would have given up long ago, without even an opportunity to reach out. He had to admit, a year or so ago he was ready to give up but stubborn persistence prevailed. If only then he knew the kind of smiles Xingcai could make, bashful and shy yet utterly gorgeous. That might have been enough to confess to her.

No, they probably weren't a normal couple, and it might get some time getting used to one another, but he did not mind. They had plenty of time to get to know each other, to understand one another. Not a lot of time, but time regardless. Speaking of which…

"Do you have anything to do later today?"

"No." She tilted her head to the side. "Why do you ask?"

"Well I was just thinking, I don't have anything to do this evening so I thought, maybe you would like to stay over for dinner?"

"That is a long time to wait." Her eyes sparked with interest. Her lips pulled to form an appreciative smile. "What shall we do until then?"

"We talk, get to know each other a bit better." Xingcai leaned in closer and Liu Shan had to turn his head away so it doesn't get smothered in her breasts. "M-Maybe k-kiss a bit more. H-Have some tea."

"It does sound awfully nice..." She turned her head to stare vacantly at something behind him.

He knew that look. She just remembered something. "But…?"

"Well, since we were talking about this, there's…something I need to do." Xingcai pursed her lips. "Something _we_ need to do, in fact."

In a flash, Liu Shan understood what she meant. His smile fell. "Oh. Yeah. I guess that does need to be attended to."

She gave a quick kiss to his cheek. Their foreheads remained touching. "We can make up for lost time some other day. But I think we need to deal with this sooner rather than later."

Liu Shan sighed quietly. "We both know by now the consequences of ignoring something for too long."

"So you understand, am I correct, my lord?"

Liu Shan gave a miniscule nod. "I do. You are right, we can do this some other time."

Xingcai frowned, feeling the slightest bit guilty. "I'm sorry for bringing up all these depressing topics. I must be killing the mood."

"It needed to be said. After everything I think it's good that we are honest with each other. And you are right, we can do this some other time."

Her hands settled themselves in the crook of his neck and stared intensely into his eyes. "I'll make sure to repay you the time we lost together."

Liu Shan scoffed in humour. "You make it sound as though I am going to regret this. It'll be fun." He rubbed her back slowly. "No need to repay me. Being with you now is more than enough of a reward."

She giggled under her breath and in that moment, he leaned forward to capture her lips in a quick yet tender kiss. He found that he couldn't stop the smile spreading on his face. He hoped he never got used to this. Getting used to her kisses suggested that he would eventually tire of them, that it would eventually lose its thrill. He could not have that. He didn't want Xingcai to numb down to become just a pleasant treat. He wanted the full flavoured experience.

They stared into each other's eyes for what seemed like the longest time. He didn't want to leave, she didn't want to leave, but they must part ways from their self-made isolation and return to reality. The promise of another time, another moment just like this lingered in the air and briefly Liu Shan wished he could travel forward in time so he could be in this exact moment again. Because he was sure another moment just like now would exist in the future, however far ahead it might be. He was the emperor after all and she was his fiancé, his to-be-empress; their schedules were different and the majority of their time together would be in the presence of others. Such was the nature of their new relationship. Not that he would have it any other way.

Liu Shan gazed down to where Xingcai sat and just barely got a peek of her inner thighs. He smirked deviously. "You're sitting rather close to me."

Xingcai glanced down to her lap and her eyes widened. Quickly she removed herself from his lap. After a moment to calm herself she shakily rose to her feet. Her cheeks were as crimson as a ruby. "D-don't get any ideas, Liu Shan. I-I meant what I said earlier."

Liu Shan dusted his lap in increasingly elaborate ways. His smile did not fade as he lifted his chin to Xingcai. "Rules one and two were made crystal clear." He slowly stood up. "I think it's fair that I make two rules of my own., don't you think?"

Xingcai raised an eyebrow. "What kind of rules are you thinking of?"

"Oh, they're very simple. My first rule: only you get to touch my hair."

She rolled her eyes in amusement as she handed back his hair ribbon. He took it and in mere moments his hair was in a bun once more. "And the second?"

"My second rule?" He paused to consider before he broke out into what he hoped was a sensual smile. "Only women by the name of Zhang Xingcai can hold my heart."

Xingcai burst out in laughter. A hand went over to cover her mouth but it did nothing to stifle the sounds she made. "That was incredibly trite, my lord."

"Perhaps but it worked. Look, it got a smile off you." He pointed at her cheeks.

Xingcai playfully batted his finger away. "I'm not even going to begin talking about the logic behind that rule. I mean, what about your siblings? What about your children?"

"Ah, what they don't know will not hurt them. It's not like it is a hard and fast rule anyway, we can change it whenever we like." He grinned wickedly as a thought enter his head. "I'm not planning on having any children any time soon. Well, unless you want to change my mind."

"Perhaps." She remarked. A term he would later attribute to mean 'not in a long, long time'.

"You sure? We've still got plenty of time." He smirked. "Five minutes is all we need."

"Five minutes is all _you_ need." She gave him a once over. "And even five minutes might be a bit generous for you."

He laughed loudly as he followed her to the front door. He could not take offense to a joke like that. The chattering guards suddenly went quiet as they approached the door, their ears primed for whatever bit of conversation they may glimpse from the royal couple. Liu Shan shook his head. It was absurd how much more attention people paid him now that he had a fiancé. Before he could open the door, Xingcai placed a hand firmly on his shoulder. His hand left the handle and dropped to his side.

"What is it?" Liu Shan whispered.

Xingcai took his hand into hers and squeezed lightly. "I'm happy to have you, my lord." She replied. A simple remark but the message was powerful. Happy. How long had it been since he was genuinely happy? Probably a week ago when they kissed, Liu Shan reckoned, but before that time he could not recall. He had reckoned he was a happy person, or at least he could pretend to be a happy person but fake contentment held no flame to its real counterpart.

Perhaps this was what peace was, these precious moments of reflection and calm contentment. Peace was a woman with whom he could confide in, whose eyes reflected the stars and whose touch held both grace and power. Peace was a sparsely decorated living room with cold tea and abandoned scrolls lying on the table and floor respectively. Peace was the smile on his lips, genuine and easy, no masks to cover up his insecurities and fears. For the longest time he had been trying to achieve this mythical peace, expected it to be a drastic change to the landscape but now he knew different. Peace didn't have to be very different from the world he knew. Only one difference really mattered, and that difference could be felt in his hand, warm and comforting and supportive.

"I am happy to have you too, Xingcai." Liu Shan said before he opened the door.

Never in his life did he mean it until now.

* * *

For the past week or so Guan Ping had spent his time at home thinking. It wasn't _moping_ , like his sister and brothers claimed. He was just…brooding. Yeah, that was the word. He was brooding silently in his room, away from everybody, and it was perfectly healthy and acceptable for a man his age to brood. All the other adult men did it. He could too.

…OK so it might have been moping. But he had every right to mope, damn it, and by the heavens he was going to.

It shouldn't have been much of a surprise Liu Shan had won Xingcai's affections. He was vastly rich, good looking, and in rank he was below only the gods above in the heavens. It made sense that Xingcai would be swept away by the luxury and refinement. She lost her way and in that spell of wonder and enchantment, Liu Shan had stolen her heart away to tinker and toy with until she was his only. Guan Ping wished that was what had happened. It was so easy to find reasons to hate Liu Shan, so easy to make excuses for why Liu Shan got the girl and not him but Guan Ping knew that reality was far more simple and harsh. Liu Shan and Xingcai were simply meant to be. She probably already liked Liu Shan more but until now was content in remaining the friend. Guan Ping had been like that for so many years until he decided he had had enough waiting, and even then it was too late.

There was a cruel lesson to be taught. Even though on paper Guan Ping was similar to Xingcai, even though they shared so many of the same quirks and the same interests, they were never meant to be more than best friends. And it was a lesson Guan Ping knew he must learn. It's just that he'd rather have a bit more time to comprehend the fact that he was single once again.

"Piiing?" Guan Yinping's muffled shouts were faintly heard through the wooden door.

"Whaaaat?" He grumbled. He really didn't want any visitors.

"Someone's at the door for you!"

"Well tell them I'm not here." He hoped whoever's at the door couldn't hear him shouting to his sister. Just in case, Guan Ping added, "Say that I don't want to talk to anybody."

He didn't need x-ray vision to know his adopted sister's trademark nod of uncertainty. Through his bedroom door he could hear muffled chatter and from what he could make out from the conversation they seemed to be talking about him. Just hearing the voices already made him want to retreat further into his room. He really didn't want any visitors.

Guan Ping can faintly hear Guan Yinping skip to his bedroom door. "I'm sorry brother but this is important. You need to see them."

He groaned aloud. He rarely got direct orders recently and he always loathed when he did because it was usually the most inane, ridiculously difficult tasks. Reluctantly he opened the door, half ready to give the messengers a piece of his mind.

Instead he was met by Liu Shan and Xingcai, and his mouth dropped. The emperor and his new fiance were now before him, dressed in the most casual robes he had ever saw either of them wear. Guan Ping grudgingly had to admit that it suited both of them, Liu Shan especially. All that finery really did not do the man justice. Xingcai didn't need anything to look beautiful though. She was as radiant as the day she left him.

"I'll, um...leave you guys to it." Guan Yinping piped before retreating into her own bedroom.

Liu Shan and Xingcai turned to Guan Ping. The feeling in his gut was not unlike that of the ambush years ago, the enemy Wei forces surrounding him and his father.

"Guan Ping." Liu Shan looked him up and down. "You look…terrible."

Guan Ping scoffed. "That's an understatement if I ever heard of one." His hair was a mess, his robes were shoddily put on and he was fairly certain yesterday's dinner was still somewhere on his chin. The only looks he was going to get was that of disgust, and even that was generous.

"How have you been holding up?" Liu Shan attempted a sympathetic smile.

"I know why you are here." Guan Ping muttered. "There is no need to skirt your words around me. Just tell me. Say the word and I will leave you and Xingcai alone for good."

Liu Shan's eyebrows furrowed. "What are you talking about?"

"That is not why we are here, Guan Ping." Xingcai added.

"Isn't it? I thought you loved me. I thought we were going to be betrothed together. And now that you are with Liu Shan, isn't it…awkward? I can't just go back to how we used to be. I can't just forget what we were."

"I…" Xingcai's head fell. "I know. It is awkward but at the same time I do want to make amends with you, Guan Ping. We both came here because we don't want to lose you as a friend. I came because you had always supported me and made me stronger. You trusted me and I betrayed you." She turned to Liu Shan for guidance.

"A-Actually, we wanted to invite you with us to dinner. Chat a little, have a drink or two, have some fun." Liu Shan smiled sheepishly. "At the very least it'll get you out of the house for a few hours. Unless you don't want to, of course."

"I…I…" Guan Ping had no words. He had expected them to arrive far later than now. He had expected Liu Shan to distance himself from him. He had expected Xingcai to say it would be easier if they forget each other. He didn't think they'd actually want to remain friends with him. That seemed too good to be true.

All of a sudden he felt guilty. He had an angry rant prepared to call them out on their hypocrisy and now that he knew they had good intentions, he felt horrible for even doubting the couple. To think he felt so low about Liu Shan that he expected the emperor to make fun of him when he was down. Of course Liu Shan was above that. Of course. It was so stupid to think otherwise.

A single tear was made out of his eyes but he quickly wiped it away. The god of war didn't cry. Neither should his adopted son. "S-sorry." He weakly apologized. "Something in my eye."

"Does that mean you will join us?" Liu Shan smiled.

Guan Ping nodded. A small smile crept up. "Lead the way."

He followed Liu Shan and Xingcai out of his bedroom, out of the house and pass the rice fields. As they walked, the couple chatted amiably between each other and Guan Ping couldn't help but notice the casual tone they shared. It was identical to how they spoke to each other before the confession and Guan Ping was of a mind that the couple would…change somehow. He felt different, empowered in Xingcai's presence when they were dating and he half expected that it would occur once more. Instead, they were more or less the same as they were before. If he didn't already know they were betrothed he would have never suspected they were now romantically involved. In a way, it was a relief. Guan Ping felt like he might get sick at the sight of excessively romantic gestures.

They passed by another rice field. When the coast was clear, suddenly Liu Shan sighed in relief. Xingcai by his side rolled her shoulders and let out a quiet breath herself. All of a sudden, Liu Shan seemed different. Liu Shan turned back to check on Guan Ping and smiled in a different manner than normal.

"My lord?" Guan Ping asked.

"Sorry, I'm just…phew. I was almost expecting that to be much more difficult than it had to be." Liu Shan let out a relieved smile.

"O-oh. W-well you were right. Earlier that is. Now that I'm here, I realize I did kind of have to leave the house."

Xingcai pursed her lips in thought. "I really am sorry for leading you on, Guan Ping. I meant what I said earlier, I do love you as a friend. I hope you don't think so low of me due to my indecision."

"It's fine." Guan Ping raised his hands. "We don't need to talk about the sad stuff, I get it. We were all a bit ignorant of each other's feelings, let the past be the past."

"Hear hear." Liu Shan concurred.

Guan Ping cast a side eye on Liu Shan. "You're only agreeing because you don't want me to bring up _that_ story."

For a second Liu Shan did not understand what Guan Ping meant. When he did however, his face visibly paled. A hand went up to massage his temple. "Heavens, I actually forgot about that." He glanced at Xingcai. "You, er, don't want to know."

Xingcai was nonplussed. "Was it the time Lord Zhao Yun caught you both naked?"

The two men stared at Xingcai. She huffed slightly.

"He already told me the whole story. He was half worried you two were still drunk that morning."

Liu Shan's eyes widened. "Wait, he KNEW?!" He turned to Guan Ping. "Zhao Yun knew?!"

"Why are you looking at me for? I didn't know either."

"Oh, I know plenty of embarrassing stories about the both of you." Xingcai waggled her finger between both men. "So if either of you doubt the other's friendship, I am obliged to spill those stories if need be."

Liu Shan sighed loudly, a hint of a smile barely suppressed. "You truly are frightening, Xingcai."

The rest of the day they had spent chatting and talking. At Liu Shan's quarters, they had feasted on a decadent meal with the most superb wine ever but despite the extravagance of the meal the tone remained casual throughout. Guan Ping was sure he broke a few rules on etiquette but no one really called him out for it. He half expected to be the third wheel but Liu Shan and Xingcai had went all out to make him feel welcome. Truth be told, it was nice to talk to them normally after everything that had happened. Xingcai was his best friend and Liu Shan was a close runner up for that title.

It wouldn't be accurate to say they had returned to how they were before but it was definitely for the better. His relationship with Liu Shan, for one, was much stronger than it had ever been in the past. The man before him was a much more colourful man than the ever smiling emperor he had served for so many years. And, try as he might, his relationship with Xingcai would not be the same. In fact, it might have become better. She did love him, only as friends, but that was better than he thought possible. She loved him. She truly loved him. And he could live with that.

Every now and then Guan Ping caught Liu Shan and Xingcai sharing small, secret smiles when they thought he did not notice. He saw how their hands lingered slightly whenever they reached out to grab something on the table. He thought he'd be much worse off seeing the woman he loved with another man but she looked so much happier than he had ever seen her in her life. When was the last time he saw her smile like that? How long ago must it be for that smile to look both strange yet fitting on her face? Perhaps that was why he was smiling himself at these small displays of affection. Xingcai and Liu Shan both deserved a person they could trust with their lives. They both deserved a person that loved them and made them happy.

And hey, who was he to interfere with his best friends' happiness? If his two true friends were happy, he was happy too. Today was just one example of what he hoped would be many more cherished, beautiful moments of warmth and peace.


End file.
